I'm seriously considering quitting WoW.

I love the game, I enjoy playing it, I have a lot of fun tanking or DPSing or whatever... it's just been destroyed by my own personal charisma of five and all the social failings that come with it.

There's only one thing I really want out of WoW in the end, what would keep me coming back to the game constantly, and that's just the opportunity to every once in a while (one or two times a week), gather up some of my friends and go beat the crap out of an instance.

I don't like PVP combat. I just plain don't. It's all right in battlegrounds (for those of you unfamiliar, BGs are basically PVP combat with a set goal -- capture the flag, get X number of points through various means, etc.), since they're more than just "beat the other guy till he dies" and don't rely on specific character specs, tactics, etc. But BGs don't offer chances for advancement; that comes through arenas, which are every bit "beat the other team till they die", and that simply doesn't appeal to me.

What I like is PVE -- going into dungeons and raids with four or nine other people to challenge diffcult and powerful boss mobs. Now, in the upcoming expansion, raids (the endgame content for the highest-level players, strongly tied into the story and lore of the Warcraft universe) will only require ten people. And yet, despite having gathered a group of people who I specifically like and trust, I can't even get FIVE together, and it's been made clear to me in absolute, certain terms that left no room for doubt that I will *never* have ten people to go into an raid. *Never.*

My only other option is to find a guild on Nazgrel that would take me in -- and that basically amounts to flinging myself amongst a group of strangers, who in all likelihood will not respect my desires to NOT raid every night, nor the hard work I'm willing to put in, nor me. Not that anyone ever respects me, ever, but eh. It's not a palatable option. I've said from the beginning I would rather raid with friends than strangers; I would rather have fun than feel like I'm working a job that pays in epics instead of money.

Why should I drop $50 on the expansion when I'll just end up frustrated and unhappy again in ten levels?

What really bothers me about this, though, is knowing that it's my own fault. If I could just be friendlier, or a better guild master, or less selfish, or... or SOMEthing, I wouldn't have these problems. I've tried my damndest, and *failed*, to do something that comes *easily* to other people. I am just that inadequate compared to other people.

I hate my player for using Charisma as a dump stat. Let me be a lesson to all of you roleplayers out there.

It's just bitterly, bitterly frustrating to have lost something fun because I failed at something so simple.

I bust ass for my guild. I make a concerted effort to advise people, share information, assist in questing and instances, and generally be a helpful resource to the people in my guild. I maintain the website, I write charters and policies, I set our progression goals and coordinate them. I'm, if not the heart of the guild, at least the brain.

And yet I get accused of never helping anyone, of doing nothing but looking down on people and telling them they're no good while being holier-than-thou. Never mind that I have absolute proof that I DID help him, way back in the day, but... does anyone have a word to say in my favor?

Why do I do this anyway?

Sometime the night before last, I must have whacked the tooth with the pesky, annoying crown while I was sleeping. Ever since then it's been sore as hell , to the point where pressure is painful -- and since the gum appears to be a little swollen, it's lifted enough that it's clashing against my upper teeth no matter how I try to chew, which of course just makes the pain and swelling worse. My only consolation is that the tooth has had the works done to it, so even though it'll probably take a few days to heal, there's not terribly much that can be wrong with it at this point. Which is just as well, since I can't do anything about it anyway.

Evidently I am completely unemployable, and despite several successful interviews cannot and will not get a job. This is depressing. And very worrying.

I haven't been posting much because I don't have much to say. Life is going poorly, but uneventfully.

Yesterday I worked four hours of hell alone.

Today I worked 8 hours of hell, thanks to a computer downtime which tripled my work and crippled my ability to accomplish anything.

Friday I will work *12 hours alone*.

Saturday and Sunday I work 12 hours shifts with Incompetent Girl, who makes more work for me by existing than the ER does in any given day.

I am so very, very depressed right now.

Adding to the giant list of Nothing Ever Goes Right...

My poor betta died.

I sent off two stories yesterday. One went to Black Gate, the other to the Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction.

To be honest, I have no real hope that either of them will be accepted. In the end the only thing I can do is send them out again to new places, and see if any of them will ultimately accept it...

But really, I'm becoming completely demoralized in my quest to get published. Not to write -- my writing has been going reasonably well. But in terms of getting published, that's a horse of a different color, and relies less on quality and more on appeal.

Maybe I'll never get published. THAT's a horrible thought, since it means I've effectively wasted my life.

Eh. Don't mind me; I'm just depressed about this all. It doesn't mean I'll stop trying.

Nothing ever goes quite right.

Things You Don't Want To Hear:

"Can you come in at 5:45 AM on Thursday?"
"They just interviewed someone else."
"Your balance is in the negative."

So far, 2005 has brought me:

Several arguments and fights with loved ones.
The news that my mother is suffering from a rare disease which could cause her to go blind, and will require steroid treatments for the next two years -- with more testing to be done to see how much worse it is.
Continuing lack of income from my job at Kaufmann's, due to a continuing lack of hours.
One expression of interest in a job which looks headed towards the same lack-of-contact death as most of my other attempts at employment have resulted in.
Failure of the only possible Christmas miracle I could have hoped for.

In short, three days in and the year hasn't delivered one damn good thing yet. Not a good omen.

I can't even cancel Christmas this year. Dammit.

Whoa. Woke up this morning in, as cathouse_blues would say, Not a Happy Place. Half of it is probably because sleep and I were long-distance lovers last night, seeing each other but sporadically, The other half is likely the conversation material before I retired.


Wednesday, however, is my day off. Quick, everyone, what should I do with it?

*NOW* I remember why I don't bloody socialize. Because every damn time I try, it blows up in my face and leaves me hurting more.

I want to make a long, rational, cathartic post, but... I don't particularly have the strength at the moment right now. I'm tired, my mood has tanked, and I just want something to happen that I don't even know what it is.

I went to bed at 1:30, woke up at 9:30. Eight hours of sleep, right? But my body was still saying, "Tired, sleep more, fool!" so I rolled over and went back to sleep, figuring that'd go for one more hour or so.

Well, here I am. I should have dragged my butt out of bed when I first woke up, because that was three hours I'd like to have back. It's not like I have to go anywhere or do anything today -- no work, no social plans (as usual!), just a few hours of killing time before I have to go to bed to get up for work tomorrow.

My parents insist on coming up to help me buy a new car, but don't know when they're gonna get up here. Go figure. I HOPE it's soon, because I really can't take much of this.

I'm going to have a Turkey Day dinner at some point in November. I've already got an RSVP from cyfis - anyone else want to come? I'll actually be using a precooked ham to avoid last year's turkey fiasco...

Ever think you can't get through a day without having everything reminding you of what a failure you are and continue to be? Ugh.

So here I am, greeting a part of "day" that should never be greeted. I had nothing but bad dreams last night -- not nightmares, but those dreams in which one struggles towards a goal and everything simply fails in the worst possible way. Getting stuck in a hospital because of a reaction to a flu shot, and having everyone believe it's a result of me combining cocaine and marijuana. Another where I simply try to go to work on the bus, but end up driving a jeep into the ocean, then fail miserably at my part in preventing a worldwide supernatural catastrophe..

Gee, I wonder why I'm having these sorts of dreams?

I'm about as down as a dragon can get right now. Especially since I have to go in on Saturday, which means instead of getting overtime hours for training like I would any other week, I simply get to keep some sick hours I'm never gonna use.

I'll survive, somehow. Just don't expect sweetness and light from me.

I don't WANT to go to bed at 11. I don't WANT to get up at five. I don't WANT to spend two hours on a bus.

God.

In a little more detail, here's what happened.

I was coming home from work at about 11 o'clock. It was dark, rainy and a hill -- so, naturally, my brakes utterly failed to work. Coming down the hill towards a light, I pressed them and got -- nothing.

I tried to steer between two cars and failed. I hit a car in the right rear corner with the center of my front bumper.

My boss was in the area; she was nice enough to give me a ride home. I ache, I have been aching, but I saw a doctor today and he says I'm just fine. My car is a total loss, unfortunately, which means a two-hour one-way trip by bus to get to work -- up at five, home at seven, for a nice fourteen hour day, and in bed by 11. I expect to go back to work Friday or Monday.

I'm doing okay physically, but I'm fighting a lot of depression, both because of this and other circumstances which are all piling on. I seem to be having a very hard time coping.

But I'm okay, I guess.

Was having a weird dream today -- it was actually physically uncomfortable. I knew it was a dream, though, so as soon as I started feeling bad I said, "To hell with this!" and woke myself up... directly facing my alarm clock, five minutes before my alarm was set to go off.

What a crappy way to wake up, I tell you.

My cat Zelda died recently. My mother called me today to tell me the news. She wasn't a young cat any more... Evidently it was just her time to go. She led a long and happy life, and she was loved.

Goodbye, little kitty. I'll miss you.

Well, if not the absolute worst, at least in the top three.

Being sick, I can handle. (Even if it is something pestilent and bizarre that won't go away).

Moving I can handle, even if it is a whole house, with incompetent movers, and all sorts of unexpected problems cropping up...)

Having my car break down -- the car I've had for five weeks, without warning, out of the blue, while at work -- on top of everything else... Well, that's too much to handle.

Wraith's at the dealership (I assume, they never called me) to deal with what I think is an electrical problem. Ideally it will be uncomplicated to fix, however I still won't be able to pick it up until I can prevail on the good graces of tigerphoenix to drive me down there. Assuming it gets fixed any time soon. Assuming they even got it. The way this day is going, I honestly believe both the dealership and the towing company will deny ever having seen it.

Oh yeah, and add in the fact that I haven't been able to get in touch with the one person who could help me feel a little better, give me just a little perspective, make anything worthwhile... God. I'm tired, lonely, absolutely miserable, and for once I'm perfectly justified in being that way. That in itself is a perverse feeling.