I think the most frustrating thing in my life that I have to deal with is simply this:

Every time I have an opinion on anything, of any sort, or any time I have a thought or idea that goes against what someone else thinks, my thought opinion is instantly and automatically wrong.

This is true of pretty much everyone I ever have, or try to have, a serious conversation with. Even my best friends and closest companions do this to me, and on days like this, I wonder why people even bother associating with me if they think I'm the stupidest person on the face of the planet.

Is it something inherent in me again? Am I really just utterly stupid? Do I really have no right to my thoughts and beliefs? Or maybe it's just that I don't actually have any friends, and I'm just deluding myself into thinking I do.

Should I really just go through life keeping everything I think and feel to myself? Or should I just accept that no one really cares what I have to say, and go through life vocal and alone?

What the fuck. Seriously, what the fuck?! How many god damn people can come to one goddamn ER in one goddamn day?! Motherfuckers! Fuck shit fuck!

Fuck!

...And to think, in high school, I never swore. Ever.

Bad mood? Yes. Bad mood.

And a lot of reasons for it too.

I don't have friends. Really, I don't have friends at all. I have two good friends, or friends I consider to be so, in a city of a million or so. Most other people I have met dislike me from the outset, or come to dislike me over time. I have a few more online, who generally tolerate me. The funny thing is that people don't understand that I consider this to be a serious defect or flaw in me, one I have no idea how to correct. Essentially,I'm so dysfunctional a human being I'm incapable of having normal social ties. This is a very, very serious flaw, people.

I'm tired of friends who are perfectly good to me in almost all situations, yet in a specific set of circumstances throw me to the wolves to appease a whiny, spoiled crybaby. People wonder why I feel like I don't deserve fair treatment; it's because frequently, I don't get it, to the acknolwedgment of all. I wish my existence counted for anything, when arguments are made about people being driven away or people not doing this or that, but it always means, "people who are not me." If I disappeared tomorrow, what would it matter? And yet then no one quite understands why I'm in a bad mood, when my so called friends won't talk to me and make it so I can't participate in activities they supposedly enjoy sharing with me. I'm hurt that they choose someone spiteful, cruel, and childish over me.

I'm tired of no one ever having a good word to say about me. Everyone I know is lightning-quick to point out my flaws, my mistakes, my problems. People will cheerfully recount a list of my mistakes, my flaws, to me. And then they have the nerve to get mad when I interpret "You are nothing but flaws" as "you are worthless."

Listen very carefully to this message.

If you tell me, over and over again, that I have no good points, that I am nothing but a flawed person, that IS the same as telling me I am worthless. Because a person utterly lacking in quality or value HAS NO WORTH.

Does that make sense, people? Because if it doesn't, you sincerely need to have your head checked for a deficiency in logic. If the sky is blue, don't get mad at someone for believing it's blue. And if you TELL someone the particles in the sky scatter blue light in greater amounts than other colors, don't get mad at them for believing the sky is blue.

In short, god DAMN I'm in a bad mood.

The New Year can fucking go to hell.

This morning, I got up for my damned-early work (7?!), got ready, got in my car, and.... it was making unhappy noises. VERY unhappy noises. And as I rolled down the street and onto the Parkway I realized... my tire had finally given up the ghost.

I drove to work on the rim. I know, not good. I hoped it could be salvaged. It turned out it couldn't be. So there I was, stuck in Monroeville with less than no money to my name (my bank account has nothing left in it, less than nothing, and I have got to get PAID tomorrow or I'm doomed), a disabled vehicle, and I couldn't even put the spare on because the lug nuts were too tight.

Luckily, my mother let me use her credit card to get a new tire put on, so now my vehicle is working, and I'm more in debt to my family than ever. With no real responses to my applications yet, except for one hopeful that I can't schedule because Kaufmann's "schedules made by Thursday" policy is fucking bullshit, I'm not exactly rolling in it. Nor will I be.

Seems that for the third year straight, I won't be having a Christmas. I can't afford presents for anyone, and I don't expect to get any, so why even bother? At least I may not work this year. That's what I did the last two years. Christmas will just be another day off.

Yes, I'm cynical, bitter, cranky, and generally fed up with life. Deal!

So anybody know of any job openings in Pittsburgh?

Anything at all?

I'm desperate...

Hmm. At this point it's pretty clear that I'm the absolute worst salesman in the world. And since at this rate there's no way in hell I can pay my bills this month, I guess I've pretty much fucked myself over permanently, huh?

If I ever get my hands on the bastard who's convinced two people in the span of ten minutes to call, thinking he's here, I will stab him.

People. I'VE HAD THIS NUMBER FOR TWO AND A HALF YEARS!

Dammit.

I'm waiting on calls.

One for a job interview, one for scheduling my attendance at a seminarish sort of thing this weekend. And neither of them are coming. This is a uniquely depressing experience.

Screw this. I'm going to give blood.

A storm system just whipped over, lasting JUST long enough to soak my subwoofer into nonfunctionality. A ten minute storm, comprised entirely of minutes I was out of the house and unable to shut the window.

So there's three hundred bucks down the tubes, plus I can't play a damn thing any more without sound.

This is what I get for trying, for not throwing myself off a cliff or something. I keep forgetting that the price of living is punishment.

I got a letter from work yesterday stating that I'd been fired, etc. etc. Unsurprisingly, they totally failed to get things straight, having failed to remove the dismissed charge and, I'm sure, utterly failed to address any of the issues I actually raised (see this post for details). So much of my time yesterday was spent firing off a letter to them demanding they record my objections and correctly update my file. Frankly, I don't know why I did this. It's not going to get me un-fired and I don't WANT to go back even if it would.

I think, partly, I'm just the sort of guy who insists on having the record straight. It sits terribly ill with me to have been dismissed for false reasons and ludicrous claims, and I want my side of the story to be heard. Then again, perhaps my letter can succeed in getting my old bosses in some well-deserved trouble for all the crap they pulled that they ought to be fired for, but aren't. On other hand, when (and I still expect this) the fight begins over my unemployment compensation, I don't want them saying that I never defended myself. I told them the same stuff I'll tell the UC people when the fight over this begins, and keep a copy of the letter (well, saved on my computer, God bless the electronic age) to prove that they knew and ignored my statements.

Grrr. I wish all these problems would just go away, but... there are too many jerks in the world for that.

So here it is, Monday again, and I'm my usual zombie self. I might as well have just skipped the weekend for all the good it did me. Weekend, you fail! You suck!

Urrrrrrrrrrgh.

Oh, that's it. That's fucking it

Today at work the Bitch showed up unannounced. The Bitch is a woman from another region who basically comes into the house I run, complains about every single damn thing, and demands I change it all. Today, however, her purpose served an alternate purpose.

Now, I'm mature enough to realize that the house I run is not perfect. Check my record, and anyone can see how much effort I put into making sure it DOES get improved -- despite the grumblings and groanings of the people who are in charge of the finances. And I know cleaning has been an issue, and I've been working on that.

I can accept, and have accepted, someone telling me, "There's a problem with your site, it needs to be addressed, let's do this." I WILL NOT ACCEPT PERSONAL ATTACKS.

And that's what today was. I was told in no uncertain terms -- by a woman who has only ever been in my house three times -- that I was incompetent, a liar, ineffective -- that basically I just sit around and watch TV all day. And anyone, anyone who knows me and how much work I do for that damn agency knows that's a lie.

I'm so angry over this. I am absolutely *livid*, and this is hours later. At the time I was so angry that -- once she was gone -- I screamed, quite literally at the top of my lungs. Repeatedly.

I'm out of that job, as soon as I find the first viable alternative. That sort of arrogant, sniveling disrespect is something I will *not* take. I will not take that shit at all.

The live-action Mage game I play in just isn't fun any more. Ever since the new cadre of storytellers got in place, it's been nothing but a giant character-fuck. The PCs face huge and unopposable opposition, every single thing they do is wrong and comes back to haunt them, and there's no opportunity for anything but running and hiding. The actions of the NPC organizations are entirely arbitrary, there's no rhyme or reason to what happens...

I wouldn't mind all of this so much if so much energy wasn't being devoted to a colossal ass-raping of my character. They've hated him ever since they took power -- in all seriousness, he was a specific complaint of many of them during the elections period. I don't even know why I continue to play.

Every time, *every time* I have two days off from work, some disaster or crisis occurs. With stunning and clockwork regularity.

I need a vacation.

Argh! I HATE those trading card memes! They're so damn poorly coded! They crash Netscape every single time it tries to load one!

I'm going crazy. I have nothing to do, no one to talk to. It feels like everyone has walked away from me, left me behind...

Outside of work and LARP settings, I haven't seen or spoken to another person in weeks. I honestly don't know what to do. I'm going freaking crazy here from sheer isolation!

Where is everyone, and why wasn't I invited to where you are?

Nothing is going right. Work is disintegrating around me, as I'm still working in the mid-50 hours a week. State inspections are coming, and I'm working hard to get things up to par for that -- but our new employee blew off med training and it's questionable if he'll even show up tonight for his shift. Of course, if he doesn't, we're fucked, but after him blowing off the training, we're probably fucked for a whole month anyway. Likely I'll have to start going in at 7 AM instead of eight, so I can administer meds and do the med count.

Beyond that, I have to deal with any number of extra things and random stupidity associated with work. I need to put my foot down on this; I'm getting yanked and pulled every which way because other people can't keep their shit together, and it needs to stop.

I have a vacation coming up starting next Friday, but that barely gives me any comfort because we don't have the slightest plan or system for handling the transport, crash space, pick-ups, drop-offs... genesisangel, come on, I could really use the psychological reassurance of knowing we've got this thing put together!

On the homefront, my personal life doesn't exist, between work, cyfis being tied up with her grandmother, and not having anyone else in the city to hang out with. I could really use a break, but I don't know how to take it.

There are any number of additional problems I don't want to go into here. The point, I guess, is that life stinks right now, and I really think I'm beyond my ability to adequately cope.

Well, if not the absolute worst, at least in the top three.

Being sick, I can handle. (Even if it is something pestilent and bizarre that won't go away).

Moving I can handle, even if it is a whole house, with incompetent movers, and all sorts of unexpected problems cropping up...)

Having my car break down -- the car I've had for five weeks, without warning, out of the blue, while at work -- on top of everything else... Well, that's too much to handle.

Wraith's at the dealership (I assume, they never called me) to deal with what I think is an electrical problem. Ideally it will be uncomplicated to fix, however I still won't be able to pick it up until I can prevail on the good graces of tigerphoenix to drive me down there. Assuming it gets fixed any time soon. Assuming they even got it. The way this day is going, I honestly believe both the dealership and the towing company will deny ever having seen it.

Oh yeah, and add in the fact that I haven't been able to get in touch with the one person who could help me feel a little better, give me just a little perspective, make anything worthwhile... God. I'm tired, lonely, absolutely miserable, and for once I'm perfectly justified in being that way. That in itself is a perverse feeling.

Argh! Today is going to suck, suck, suck!

I'm working around 60 hours this week. Where do I get the strength for this? Oh yeah... because if I *do* collapse like I've been feeling the desperate need to do for the past month or two, it'll just make everything infinitely worse. Yes, things could be worse, I acknowledge that!

Rrrarw. I need a vacation... if only I was allowed to have one.