Happy Tree Friends

If you like that link, you're an awful human being. Really, really, really awful. (And there's a lot of us.)

One more widely appreciable:

Magical Trevor

While rooting through old files on my computer, I find this creative writing piece I did back in 1996. The humor is, consequently, pretty dated, but I still find it funny. So -- I present it for your amusement.

( Curtain rises! )

A kingdom under siege by dark creatures which spawn from underground forests. One man, one of the last remaining soldiers of the old army, leads a ragtag group of youths -- the only people left who can fight for the sake of the world -- in daring raids against the creatures and their havens. One young man with a broken short sword, good of heart and short on common sense, is destined to rise to greatness in the war. Meanwhile, aboveground, a few lone people fight to restore the lost princess of the realm to power, thus restoring the progression of rule which kept the monsters in check for untold ages -- but at the same time, they know the princess cannot rule effectively, and plan to turn her into a symbolic figurehead under a king which can truly lead, before it is too late...


...Damn. Those were weird dreams. But cool.

(As the commercial begins, Vegeta faces the camera with a stern look)

VEGETA: As the Prince of Saiyans, I find myself in troubles and dangers mere mortals cannot possibly imagine. From the freakish...

(Still frame of FRIEZA)

VEGETA: To the unimaginable...

(Still frame of KID BUU)

VEGETA: To horrors so nightmarish I wish I could erase my own mind to forget them...

(Still frame of KRILLEN, with a dog biting his pants like a Coppertone Ad. Back to VEGETA, who continues speaking over all of this)

VEGETA: I've seen and done battle with it all. And when I need a quick pick me up in battle, there's nothing like...

(VEGETA holds up a red-and-white striped can with the words KI printed on it)

VEGETA: Canned Ki. In regular and new Extra-Evil.

(GOKU appears via Instantaneous Transmission)

GOKU: Hi, Vegeta! Want to fight? You know I'm way tougher than you and can whup your butt easily!

VEGETA: Want to bet?

(VEGETA pops open the can of Ki, guzzles it, crushes the can, tosses it over his shoulder, and holds one hand out at GOKU)

VEGETA: BIG BANG ATTACK!

(The screen goes white. When it clears, GOKU has a halo over his head. He looks impressed)

GOKU: Wow, Vegeta! That sure is some awesome power! But you know I'll just learn another cheap trick in the afterlife which will make me stronger than you again!

(VEGETA smirks, then turns back to the camera)

VEGETA: That's why Canned Ki now comes in super-concentrated jumbo size. Remember, with Canned Ki, the sleeper will awaken, and you will be the Prince of All Saiyans once again! KIIIYAH!

(VEGETA goes Super Saiyan, and the screen fades to white, then black)

Background:

Megas XLR is an American anime made for Cartoon Network and currently airing on the weekends. It's a giant robot anime, and if you heard a basic summary of the plot you'd think it was nothing special -- giant robot ends up in hands of person who modifies it so that only he can fly it and now must defend the Earth. Of course, you know it's not that simple, right?

M.E.G.A.S., the giant robot in question, was stolen from alien invaders -- the Glorft -- far in the future, by the last remnants of the Earth's forces. Desperate to win, they send it back in time so it will be present at a crucial battle -- and the time transfer is interrupted, sending it to "The Present Day."

Our hero, Coop, is the one who ends up with it. Coop, unlike most robot pilots, is not pasty-white and thin, teenaged, and angsty. In fact he's... well, overweight, shallow, not too swift, and has wasted his life on things such as wrestling, video games, and car mechanics. And he's the only one who can pilot M.E.G.A.S.... because when the time transfer botched, the robot lost its head, and Coop replaced it with -- a sports car. And completely overhauled the entire system so that the robot only works with video game controllers, buttons, gear-shifts... you get the idea.

It is a funny, funny, DAMN funny show. And the reason I'm writing this is the episode I saw today. It is the absolute *funniest*, and *coolest* thing, I have seen in *forever*.

The basic plot is simple enough -- an indestructible robot lands on Earth, repeatedly foiling Coop's attempts to get a slushie and thereby driving him insane with anger. But it's not the plot that makes the show. It's Michael Dorn. Yes, the actor most famous for Worf is back into voice acting, and as the REGIS Mark 5 he's a comic *genius*. The REGIS Mark 5 has some of the strangest lines imaginable, and they're all delivered in an utterly straight, menacing, ominous tone of voice that makes me want to *cry* it's so funny

"Your primitive and non-fuel-efficient modes of transporation are no match for the REGIS Mark 5."
"I am invincible. No weapon crafted by such a pathetic civilization can harm the REGIS Mark 5, which is invincible."
"Stand aside or be destroyed." (To a fire hydrant.)

Adding to the sheer cool factor of this robot is the background music, which is of the most epic sort, loud and ominous with people singing incoherently in, presumably, Latin, every time it's on screen. But it'd be nothing without Dorn, whose delivery of every line -- I can't imagine how it could possibly be funnier. I can't wait till this series comes out on DVD, so I can show people it.

As told by Coyote:

So one day way long ago I met the first adventurous tree. Now, the first adventurous tree was slow and boring. I don't know why that is. All adventurous trees are slow and boring, it's like a natural physical law. Anyway, this was back in the days where trees could move, they all moved. That's why the first adventurous tree *was* the first adventurous tree, because it said, "Hey, I'm gonna take root." So it did, and it rocked. The sun was shining, the dirt was good, water was coming up through the roots -- being rooted was easy and cool.

So then I came along, and said, "Hey, that tree can't move!" And I gave it the whizzing of its life.

Follow up to the story! I once met the world's oldest tree. The world's oldest tree, being the world's oldest tree, decided, "Hey, I'm going to take root." So it did, and it rocked. The sun was shining, the dirt was good, water was coming up through the roots -- being rooted was easy and cool.

So then I came along, and said, "Hey, that tree can't move!" Walked on up to it, and it dropped the biggest fucking branch ever on my head. I was out for a week.

So the lesson is, when you're young, keep moving around. When you get old enough to drop big fucking branches on people's heads, THEN you can take root.