While rooting through old files on my computer, I find this creative writing piece I did back in 1996. The humor is, consequently, pretty dated, but I still find it funny. So -- I present it for your amusement.


SCENE I -- The White House.

Clinton: Bob Dole has resigned! Who will be the Senate Majority Leader now?

Aide: Why not Macbeth? He has always been faithful.

Clinton: But he is already the House Majority Leader!

Aide: So what? You've already got five scandals on your administration, what's one more going to hurt?

Clinton: MacBeth has always been a good leader. He managed to stop much of our health care plan!

Aide: That's his job.

Clinton: Oh, what the heck. Send him a note.

SCENE II -- A rural town. Enter the three Weyrd Republycans.

Dole: Where have you been?

Reagan: Cutting welfare!

Dole: And you?

Gingrich: Ignoring the national debt.

Dole: Excellent. Soon MacBeth will come.

Enter MacBeth and Perot.

MacBeth: Verily hate I the towns of this land.

Perot: Why do you always talk like that?

MacBeth: There is no greater sin than speaking aught but Olde Englishe when one of Shakespeare's ilk be thee.

Perot: Whatever. Look, three old guys. Let's be sociable and get their votes!

Dole: All hail, MacBeth! Hail to thee, House Majority Leader!

Reagan: All hail, MacBeth! Hail to thee, Senate Majority Leader!

Gingrich: All hail, MacBeth! that shalt be President hereafter!

Perot: What are they talkin' about? I'm gonna be President! I'm gonna keep running till the American People get so sick of me they vote for me just to get rid of me.

Dole: Perot. Lesser than MacBeth, and yet stupider.

Gingrich: A great fool who doubts our voodoo.

Perot: Voodoo? Get real.

Reagan: Voodoo economics, o large-eared one. (Republycans vanish)

Perot: Those people are loonies! President MacBeth? Never happen. And me with large ears? Preposterous.

MacBeth: House Majority Leader am I already. But how of the Senate? Designs on that post I have none.

(Enter Brown)

Brown: Yo! MacBeth! You've been appointed Senate Majority Leader!

MacBeth: What? Truly? Then, Perot, do you not agree that large-eared are you, when they that spake of my standing have delivered it so readily, and so soon?

Perot: It was a lucky guess. They had no charts. (Exit Perot and Brown)

MacBeth: If this prophecy be true, then chance shall place me in the Oval Office with neither tidings woe or weal able to thwart it!

SCENE III -- MacBeth's penthouse. Enter Lady MacBeth.

Lady M: My husband tells me that three Republycans prophesied of his appointment. Then came it true! And next, he shall be President? Or shall he? It is far to assume he shall be so placed, by the mere stirrings of chance. And though not with out ambition is he, he will not act. Must I, then, perform some deed? If not, all the better, but if that must be, then I shall. Tis good, that the President comes here, and I may act if I see fit. Indeed, act I will, for I shall not rely on fate.

SCENE IV -- The next morning. Alarum. Enter MacBeth and Perot.


MacBeth: Horrors, friend Perot! Our good President has been slain!

Perot: But he's a lousy President.

MacBeth: Twas his own Secret Service officials! They took dirks to him, slaying him in the night!

Perot: I knew NAFTA would have unforeseen consequences. Let us question them!

MacBeth: Alas! Now repent I of the fury that bade me kill them!

Perot: Oh, great. Guess YOU are President now.

MacBeth: I to the body go, that I might pay respects. (Exit MacBeth)

Perot: He has it all now. The Senate, the House, and the Presidency. Perhaps there is foul play afoot? MacBeth, even my ears cannot hear what is in your heart.

SCENE V -- Dinner. Enter Important People.

Guy: We are here!

MacBeth: Then let us be seated.

(Ghost of Clinton enters, sits in MacBeth's seat)
What? Who dares to sit in my seat?

Perot: There ain't no one there.

MacBeth: A ghost! Times were when a man was stabbed, he stayed stabbed! But now the dead hath risen faster than teenage drug abuse! I know how his clock to clean. Away go I, to fetch champions!

(MacBeth summons the Ghostbusters)

Ghostbuster: The Stay-Puff Marshmallow Man is on the loose again!

MacBeth: No, fool, tis Clinton!

(Ghostbusters easily defeat Clinton with plasma guns and Ghost-Traps)

SCENE VI -- The rural town.

Dole: Nice to see you again, MacBeth.

MacBeth: Cease thine talk and weave thine spell.

Reagan: Here come the spirits.

Spirit 1: MacBeth, MacBeth, MacBeth, your time is nigh.
None of a woman born shall strike thee, aye.

Spirit 2: MacBeth, MacBeth, MacBeth, beware Perot.
His body may shrink but his ears will grow.

Spirit 3: MacBeth, MacBeth, MacBeth, your time is great.
Until Lincoln attacks you'll be protected by fate.

MacBeth: Huh?

Dole: That's the most intelligent thing you've said in this whole play.

SCENE VII -- The Lincoln Memorial
Perot: We must march on the White House!

General: They will see us coming.

Perot: I know! We'll put Lincoln's statue on wheels and hide behind it!

SCENE VIII -- The White House

Aide: Sir! The Lincoln Memorial just rolled up to the gates.

MacBeth: Oh, verily? Screwed am I. I shall fight Perot now, and mayhaps lose.

Aide: Lady MacBeth was sleepwalking last night. She sought to wash blood off her hands. We provided her with a washday miracle. She is now sleeping soundly.

MacBeth: Enh.

(Enter Perot)

Perot: MacBeth! You will fight me!

MacBeth: Okay. (MacBeth stabs and kills Perot)

Aide: Look out!

(MacBeth is run over by a tank; Ghost of Clinton pops out of hatch)

MacBeth: But... how did thee.... escape the Ghost Trap?

Clinton: First I fell in a large pit of green goo. Then I ate sixty hamburgers. They thought I was Slimer.

(MacBeth dies)