I have the impression that these game reports are reasonably popular. If you're reading these and liking them, let me know: it DOES inspire me to work faster and better at them!



Clone-Aibghalien is, if not slain, now a puppy, and completely forgotten for the entire duration of the game. Instead our intrepid PCs, knowing that The End Is Nigh, set out to frantically determine what disasters awaits them and what they must prevent. Saikon begins by casting Legend Lore on his mysterious hammer of plot devicery. The DM reveals that the hammer is one of five great weapons associated with the magic barrier that once protected Cerilia; its appearance signals that the barrier is broken. Aibghalien looks horrified.

Aibghalien : This whole campaign started with Hammertime!
DM: Yes. It did.
Saikon: Okay, I'm going to try one more thing. I'm going to try to cast one of my spells to communicate with my goddess, so I can see how the battle is going.
Devlyn: You scry on your goddess. She's in the shower. She slaps you.
Saikon: I don't have spells that powerful... yeeet...

Saikon is unable to communicate with his goddess due to the war in heaven, but the DM offers good news to wash down that bitter pill: Saikon's father, who set sail from his homeland something like ten sessions and lord knows how many in-game months ago, has at last landed on the shores of Cerilia to offer his aid in the battle.

Devlyn: "Dad, you're here! Why."
DM: But you're old, so--
Saikon: I'm not old! Grandfather was old.
DM: I -- The games have merged.
Rhuann: To form Voltron. The shitty car version.
DM: You had to play a human priest in two campaigns!
Saikon: You had to NEED a priest in two campaigns!

Aibghalien wanders off to investigate the remnants of his doppelganger's efforts at causing chaos and havoc. In doing so, he discovers a hitherto-undisclosed property of the crystals: if sufficiently charged with divine (or dark) energy, they gain a sort of mass and begin drawing in further amounts of that same energy.

DM: Of course, normally if they draw in another crystal, they both just shatter.
Aibghalien: Hmm. What happens if I put two crystals on opposite sides of a wall of force? It can't be broken, after all.
Devlyn: There's an explosion, followed by an implosion. The entire kingdom. There's just a crater left...
Aibghalien: (getting that "repressed mad scientist just living for the day when the Girl Genius RPG comes out" gleam in his eyes) I'm going to borrow Saikon for a little experimentation.
Devlyn: (plays Taps)
DM: Let's skip to the end of this little experiment. You're floating in space.

After a brief interlude in which Saikon repeatedly heals himself to counteract his eyes bugging out of his head Total Recall-style, the actual game resumes as the two experimenters begin charging crystals with divine energy. Aibghalien pauses in consideration.

Aibghalien: You're lawful neutral, right?
Saikon: Well, there are many factors to consider in--
Aibghalien: Can you cast evil spells or not, that's what I'm trying to determine here!
Saikon: ...yes.

In the course of screwing around, the two discover that the hammer can empower crystals to far-higher levels of storage and potency. At Aibghalien's suggestion, Saikon uses this extra energy to cast Bull's Strength on himself. For a brief moment his strength becomes two hundred something, injuring him severely in the process. The players stare. Experimenting further, they discover that they can combine two spells into one, as Saikon traps himself in a void zone.

Saikon: Okay, I'm gonna cast a couple more spells with this. How about... Wind Walk and Flame Strike?
Aibghalien: Something that won't kill us all! I never thought I would be the one saying that.

Combining Wind Walk with Celestial Brilliance creates a small, friendly globe of animate light. It bobs around, then eventually floats off.

Aibghalien: Oh man, what else can we cast?
Saikon: How about Owl's Wisdom?
DM: "Aaah! I'm blind!"
Aibghalien: What?
DM: The orb has floated off into the castle. "Aaargh! It blinded me!"
Aibghalien: "Stop looking at it!"
DM: "But it's a floating light, why shouldn't we look at it -- Aaaaargh!"
Aibghalien: Fine, I go catch it and put it under a sheet.
Saikon: I cast Owl's Wisdom on myself.
DM: Okay. For one brief moment you understand everything. And then, you start to forget everything.
Aibghalien: Hmm. Okay, Saikon, there's one more thing I want to try...
Wes: Why you gotta keep casting it on him, why not yourself?
Rhuann: Yeah, he's had enough.
Aibghalien: At the very least I'll get experience for you.

Inured as they are, the other players seem to think this has crossed the line. Unfazed, Aibghalien casts Chasing Perfection on Saikon -- all but turning him into a god. Once again, he sees everything -- and he holds onto the answers, this time, for the spell is not so quickly banished.

Aibghalien: Write the answers down! Write them down!
DM: You hear him, distantly, faintly... but you don't care. You're beyond such earthly concerns now.
Saikon: I moon him.
Devlyn: The most perfect ass in the world.
Aibghalien: And now you know why elves don't have gods.
Rhuann: Because gods are assholes.

Looking to the heavens, Saikon sees the plot of this session's adventure laid bare: an immense magic zone of evil, funneling power to the Gorgon from the lands below. He does manage to convey this to Aibghalien, as the spell fades.

Saikon: Saikon is going to try one more thing, he just goes up to the window--
Devlyn: And jumps.
Saikon: No, Saikon is going to cast Searing Ray and empower it, to see what happens.
DM: Okay, what are you aiming it at?
Saikon: Oh... some hills nearby.
Aibghalien: Not near my city!
Wes: His city!
Aibghalien: The sky!
Devlyn: The red-light district!
Aibghalien: THE SKY!
Saikon: I dunno, do you really want to be responsible for killing some planet full of aliens?

Saikon, after much persuading, casts the spell into the sky. Its enhanced power blinds all who look at it directly and sets the atmosphere on fire. Literally. Fortunately the combustion peters out rather than propogates, leaving all involved impressed and Aibghalien jealous.

Aibghalien: I can't believe it wasn't me who did that. See, this is why I didin't cast Fireball.
Wes: You'd cast fireball over the horizon, and then it'd shoot PAST you because it went all the way around the world, and hit the hills anyway...
Devlyn: Mushroom cloud and everything.
Rhuann: Only your fireball would have an event horizon.

The regents hurry to summon their allied armies, but the floating ball, covered in a sheet, zips into the meeting room after them.

Wes: What's that?! A ghost?
Aibghalien: It's just a magic ball we created--
Wes: A ghost? Slimer? You've created Slimer? That's wonderful. It slimed me.

Marshalling their armies, the PCs set out, pausing only for Aibghalien to bemoan that he hadn't tested some idea he'd just come up with.

Aibghalien: This is why my doppelganger fooled you all. "Hey guys, I'm gonna screw around with crystals, come join me!" "That's Aibghalien all right!"
DM: Wouldn't it be great if you were, like, a third clone, and you were just the more effective? "Yay, we beat the Gorgon!" "Fireball!"
Aibghalien: No, it'd be: "You all stand here. I need to check on something over there." Delayed blast fireball.

The players assemble, along with their armies, to prepare to breach the massive barrier of eeeevil energy protecting the Gorgon's lands. Aibghalien suddenly stops while Wes is gearing up for his inspiring speech to the men.

Aibghalien: Did anyone bring the tank?
Devlyn: (sighing) LF 1 more...
Wes: "Many of you are going out there today but even more of you aren't coming back!"
DM: (as the soldiers)"We're not coming back?" "I don't wanna come back, my wife's a whore!" "Mine too!"
Aibghalien: And this is how my red-light district wins wars!
DM: Yeah, Devlyn was playing Assasin's Creed 2, and the first thing he upgrades? The brothel.
Aibghalien: I don't know what you said, but I heard "Sesame Street"...

Paralytic laughter, followed by so many off-color jokes I could only catch a few of the choice ones... thankfully.

Aibghalien: So that's what a Snuffleupagus is for.
Wes: "Whaddya think I got in this trash can!"
Devlyn: Used prophylactics!
Wes: "Well Beaker, this concoction will increase the virility of the subject by 100%!" Instead Beaker's head just starts growing...
Saikon: (baffled, by virtue of a lack of shared cultural experience) Okay, all this stuff is lost on the Communist, let's get going before I whip out some tales of Grandfather Lenin.

Aibghalien, breaking open some blister packs of miniatures to supply the army's forces, pauses in awe as he plucks one particular mini from a fairly badass set.

Aibghalien: Look at this mook! He's just a random guy out of a box of mooks and he's more badass than every player character!
Wes: (awed as well) Yes he is.

Saikon nukes a hole in the barrier, and the army advances into the darkness, protected by the warm light of the ghost orb, of all things. The players randomly burst into impromptu music with dice-tossing and cell-phone-snapping, until at last the DM describes a lone figure visible in more concrete darkness -- yet another evil Aibghalien.

DM: (to Saikon) "Briefly, you were one of THEM, THEY saw through your eyes, they saw HIM, and created ME in HIS image!"
Aibghalien: For once this isn't my fault!

Combat erupts. Wes charges from the safety of the ghost light into the palpable blackness surrounding the enemy.

Devlyn: (aside, to Saikon) Why is your character sheet printed on wax paper?
DM: As you burst into the darkness--
Aibghalien: (moves Wes's mini one square into the darkness on the map, then tips it over)
Devlyn: I feel like I should wrap my sandwich with this character sheet.
Wes: (who has been buffed to heal for fire damage) Have the -- the guy in the tank just shoot over here. I don't remember his name. It was a big fun burly name...
Devlyn: Carl.
DM: The evil Aibghalien draws a crystal out of his cloak and begins to spin it on one finger.
Aibghalien: He's a frickin' Harlem Globetrotter, tell your generals to get out of here!
DM: Meanwhile, since Wes has moved forward, the blackness behind him begins to part. You see... demons.
Saikon: I pulls out a gong.
Aibghalien: Who say this coming? Because I sure as fuck didn't!
DM: I have no idea what's going on. I'm very interested in hearing this.

Saikon promptly banishes an immense number of surrounding demons, while Aibghalien and Wes deal death-inflicting damage to the evil Aibghalien and take his staff, one of the five great legendary weapons along with the hammer.

Wes: I don't feel nearly as satisfied as I thought I would be.
DM: The staff is filled with dark energy. Make a Will saving throw.
Aibghalien: At last the real one went evil, we all saw this one coming.

Moving onwards, the party abruptly encounters large, ludicrously powerful demons with crystals embedded in their chests. Saikon moves to dispel them.

Wes: Don't dispel them, we won't get experience for them.
Aibghalien: We've still technically defeated them.
DM: We sure didn't get that for that demon tiger!
Saikon: The what?
DM: The demon tiger, in his campaign!
Aibghalien: The one with DR 30/+3.
DM: We struggled against it till you finally managed to banish it, and we got nothing!
Aibghalien: Fine, you all get 3000 retroactive experience.

The players slaughter the demons easily.

DM: Apparently I've given you too much firepower.

Inside, the players find the portal to hell spewing evil energy out to fuel the Gorgon's ascension. Aibghalien seals it with a Wall of Ice, which a giant hand promptly breaks. Thinking quickly, he casts a Major Image of the portal being sealed again -- and this time when the giant hand reaches up, the other PCs promptly hack it into shreds. They are unable to seal the portal, though, as they rummage through their character sheets to find some sort of tool to use.

Devlyn: (reading parts of his sheet long-untouched) Oh yeah, blood abilities!
Saikon: Okay, I cast an empowered Dispel Evil.
Aibghalien: You dispel your own evil nature. Your alignment changes.
Saikon: To what?
Aibghalien: Lawful good.
Saikon: Aww.

The portal is closed, but the immense levels of magical evil energy begin. Saikon furiously begins channeling the evil energy through the staff into the ground, ending this game on an ominous note that surely won't come back to haunt us all...

Saikon: Fuck the earth it can take it!