Friends-only is such an inadequate way to post. There are friends out there who will never know what I post, and the occasional random person who I don't want to see what I do. I wish I could exert absolute control over Livejournal.

Still, it beats letting every random person see my worst moments. I'm sorry that those of you who do see what I post have to put up with it.

I want to share a couple of stories with you. (I know what you'll say -- they're not representative, I shouldn't get discouraged, I should try again -- really, I'm not presenting these as arguments. Just stories.)

I am one of the most ADHD people in the world. My mind is a psychotic mess of inattentiveness. I cannot focus on, say, a term paper, unless I have someone talking to me, the TV open, and a book in front of me. When I was younger, I would read five or six books at a time, keeping all my places marked as I cycled through them on whim.

When I was very young, my parents tried to medicate me. Between their bungling and my doctor's, as I understand it, I became a total zombie. Oh, I still had life signs, but my consciousness was virtually numbed. I went from overaction to no action; from inattentiveness to no attentiveness.

I don't actually remember those times. As I said, it was a very long time ago. Since then, I have grown to cope with my disorder, and in fact I think I derive some benefit from it.

I'm not afraid to go on Ritalin, or whatever new drug they might be prescribing today for ADHD. I simply don't want to. I enjoy being this way. It gives a certain vibrancy to life that I find intriguing. Sure, it's frustrating... but I imagine a "normal" life is as well.

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One of my first memories is that of myself at what must have been a doctor's office. They had sneakily adminstered me an intelligence test. I remember, very clearly, the doctor telling my mother that I was smarter than virtually anyone else in the city.

My mother always liked to boast that she was smarter than me. I never believed it for a minute. I think I'm justified in my own superiority.

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As a child, I was a complete and utter terror.

I am a very wrathful person. I am quick to anger, and when pressed, the sheer force of my rage is not something to take lightly. It expires quickly, but when I am possessed, I might as well be mindless.

This is why I nearly got expelled.

I skipped kindergarten. I was ahead of everybody else, to the point where the teacher came to expect that I would know the answer and asked if anyone other than I could respond. So it wasn't more than a week into the school year that I was brought up to the first grade. That's when it started.

I hit people. I pushed other kids around. I even argued with the vice-principal (although in my defense, I was right -- it *was* raining at the time). Reprimands became detentions, which in turn became a suspension. I was told that the next time I caused trouble, I would be expelled.

The very next day, I hit a kid in the face. I don't even remember why.

Through some miracle, he didn't tell. And soon afterwards my parents divorced, and my mother took off for Maryland, myself and my sister in tow.

After that... I don't know what changed. Certainly nothing conscious on my part. But after I entered the new school system, I didn't get in trouble again. I wasn't really that violent any more.

I have no explanations for it. I'm glad I changed. I don't really like hurting people.

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In addition to any responses you might have, I'm curious about one thing -- however you're viewing this, how does my writing appear in your journal? Sometimes I have trouble parsing information in other journals, so I try to write mine in a style that avoids what I dislike.