We rejoin our heroes in the midst of their fight against the minotaurs! The wall of fire still crackles, and on the other side the minotaurs who didn’t cross it to engage have resumed slamming the ram into the doors. Aiden quickly offers healing, though at present there’s little need. Aliarra spends her time hauling the characters who couldn’t cross the pit across it. Cissy begs to lob fireballs using her bat for line of sight, which leads into a long discussion over the distance of line-of-sight vs. line-of-effect.

Hanzo: I’m just reapplying poisons.
DM: You have, like, a baster. A little brush…
Hanzo: “Yep, that’ll kill you.” Oh wait, it won’t, because everyone has a goat stomach in D&D. Barack will just use this for hot sauce.

Somehow people start mooing, and meanwhile someone, probably Cissy’s familiar, has poked their head over the wall of fire to see what the other side looks like. The DM comes round the table to lay out minis, getting uncomfortably close to the players in the process.

Cissy: Need a hug?
Aliarra: His prostate needs a hug.
Cissy: DM, would you like me to test you for a hernia?
DM: Yes. Yes I would.

The minotaurs are all hanging out on the other side! Cissy digs up information on her familiar!

Aiden: 40 feet, good. Just never have him walk.
DM: What’s the movement on the ground?
Aiden: Five feet.
DM: In six seconds? I’m not sure a bat can walk five feet in six seconds…

As the DM works and Cissy researches, the conversation wanders afield.

Aiden: DM, Aliarra said we can borrow her Wii. (realizing how that sounds) God – damn -- (whimpering)
Aliarra: I’ll hook you up later tonight.
Aiden: (broken whimpering howls)
DM: Wheeeeeeee!
Aliarra: He just wants to play with my Wii.

A wish for a Frostbrand to put out the wall of fire leads to fond reminiscence of destroying Aibghalien all those years ago. Cissy finally plans to launch a fireball with her familiar’s relayed information, so they force her player to look away from the map and then name her coordinates.

Cissy: God, I wish I had photographic memory.
DM: She’s like, ’20 feet’, oh shit.
Aiden: Fireball has tons of range. You’re gonna hit. You could target the fucking door.
DM: You could target inside the base if you wanted.
Aliarra: If you go too far, you’re taking the door out yourself.
Cissy: I’m going with 75 feet.
Aliarra: And close your eyes again, how many feet left or right from where Cissy is, or straight ahead?
Cissy: I’m going five feet to the left.

Cissy’s estimation is downright amazing. The blast detonates for 36, and four minotaurs erupt into flame. Two make their save. Once again, Pan refuses to acknowledge his character’s name, which everyone feels comforted by.

Hanzo: Cast an ice ball and get rid of the wall of fire.
Pan: Does wall of ice get rid of wall of fire?
DM: Let’s create another wall, guys!
Aiden: We can’t walk through the wall of ice!
Hanzo: We can climb.
Cissy: Create the wall of ice in front of the battering ram.

Cissy merrily imagines sending a Cloudkill spell through the minotaurs and then into the fort, causing as much collateral damage as possible. Pan finally just fires a storm bolt blindly through the wall.

Hanzo: Damn it, DM, why doesn’t one of these guys have a frostbrand, they could put the damn thing out and we could get this over with.
Cissy: DM’s like, why’d you all set up the damn fire wall?
Hanzo: I didn’t say nothin’.

The psion-cohort drops a wall of fire right next to the battering ram to keep minotaurs off it, roasting some minotaurs mildly in the process. One minotaur abandons the ram and charges through the wall of fire, running straight into Hanzo, who AOOs him and then dodges the overrun. Aliarra gets an AOO too, then attempts to retroactively declare a trip; the DM, unamused, dismisses her out of hand and so she just deals 24. The minotaur wallops Aiden!

Hanzo: The transcriber iterates for the thousand times how much he hates every single one of you.
Aliarra: The transcriber is punished for no reason!

There was a reason. Mrrshala undersells her damage magnificently yet again, declaring 12 when it should have been 24.

DM: And down he goes with a roar of pain!
Aliarra: With a whore of pain.
DM: As a bastard sword slices open his belly and his entrails fall out. Spill to the ground in a steaming pile. Aiden!
Hanzo: Quick, stabilize the minotaur!
DM: No, he’s very dead.
DM:Coup-de-grass. Coup-de-grassy. Cowp-de-grassy.

Most of the minotaurs charge the gate, hewing at it with their axes, heedless of the PCs behind them. Splinters fly! Cissy’s bat delivers a shocking grasp spell

DM: You hear a, “Moo-m-m-moo-moo!”
Aliarra: Look out, he’s gone dubstepping!
Cissy: Lobbing another fireball, based on what the bat told her! This one’s gonna be 10 feet shorter and 10 feet to the left.

Cissy accidentally detonates her bat in the explosion, but luckily it has improved evasion and takes half damage. Aliarra flies forward to whack a minotaur. The minotaurs are getting REALLY sick of fire damage by this point. Pan readies an action to cast confusion as soon as the wall goes down.

Hanzo: They’ll grab the gate and start trying to bash down the ram!
Aiden: They start trying to repair it. “We’re being invaded!”
Aliarra: Specify ‘hostile’ minotaurs, otherwise you’ll have to cast it on Ignir…

The psion puts up a wall of electricity right next to the gate and fortress wall to keep minotaurs off and sizzle them.

Mrrshala: Is that skeleton a minotaur, then?
Hanzo: Yeah.
Mrrshala: Is Iglar Ignir?
Hanzo: Yes.
DM: Aiden. And these other two minotaurs, saving for damage… one rolls another 20!
Hanzo: You stole Mrrshala’s die!

Aiden envisions a world where he can Tree Stride to a dead tree and pop out of the ram, while the minotaurs drive the gate to the very limits of its hit points.

DM: The other guy back there takes his battle axe, and… (miming throwing, with sound effects)
Aliarra: He threw his axe at the gate.
DM: Yep.
Aliarra: That idiot.
DM: And it bursts. The gate is ajar.
Aliarra: Who polymorphed it?
Pan: What kind of jar?
DM: Jelly jar. Raspberry.

Aliarra smashes a minotaur with a crit, but rolls terribly… though it’s a x3 crit, so even terribly works.

DM: Your guisarme plunges into the side of the head, and comes out the other.
Aliarra: The minotaur is still standing somehow!
DM: You’re the only thing holding it up.
Aliarra: I withdraw my guisarme.
DM: It falls.
Aliarra: Excellent.

Hanzo fires blindly through the fire, missing – and then finally the wall of fire goes down! Pan fires off his spell, then desperately looks for someone, ANYone, to hide behind! Aliarra tries to roleplay from the bathroom, but no one will let her. Someone FINALLY casts a Wall of Force to protect the fort.

Mrrshala: I’m doing an Overwhelming Mountain Strike on him.
Aliarra: So long as it’s not an Underwhelming Mountain Strike.
DM: Why is this maneuver in the book?
Aliarra: (miming a feeble weapon swing) Weh.
Aiden: Causes the enemy to become really overconfident.

Aliarra wallops a minotaur, then tosses a White Raven Tactics on Mrrshala.

Aiden: Was I supposed to do something that turn? When everyone went on the psilon – or am I after the psilon? I thought I was before the psilon.
Hanzo: Psilons? We have no chance!
Aliarra: Creative! Knows every spell and feat.

Aiden heals Hanzo, and then it’s back to the hunt for more foes to slay!

DM: You attacked that one… that one’s dead. I’m sorry, I didn’t say that, did I…
Aiden: We just assumed that this one is the beefiest guy of all! It’s like a samurai movie. Cut him in half? The suction keeps the halves together.

Some attacks go off… it isn’t very interesting, since the players are mostly mopping up at this point.

Cissy: Who lives inside the fort?
Aiden: Some of the cat-people.
Cissy: And they’re not doing a goddamn thing to help fight this battle? They can’t stand on the walls and throw rocks?
Hanzo: We don’t want them stealing our XP.
Aiden: Dude, they saw me coming. They saw the Great Virgin-Stealer coming, and were like, “Save the women! Ruuuun!” “There’s minotaurs at the gate—“ “BUT THE VIRGIN-STEALER’S HERE!”
Hanzo: What’s that movie that just came out, where someone was the father of like 60 kids?
Aliarra: “Hello, mister! I’m Drang Aidenson.” “And I’m Warten Aidenson.” “And I’m Missy Aidenson!”
Aiden: “Your parents are horrible! What NAMES did they give you bastards!? I can call you bastards because I left your punk-asses behind!”

Hanzo tumbles through a minotaur’s space, then makes an Acrobatic Backstab. With poison!

Hanzo: And now the Fort save.
DM: It made it, sorry.
Aliarra: So to resist the battering ram, did the doors have to make a FORT save?
Aiden: Really? Really?
Cissy: Wow.
DM: No. I’ve already said this in the past game, this fort is actually a motte-and-bailey, so that pun does not work. …I love that name, motte-and-bailey.
Cissy: It sounds like a drink.
Hanzo: It’s not as cool as Grubb, with two B’s.

Aiden remains resolutely unable to say the word ‘psion’. A minotaur misses Hanzo.

DM: Mrrshala, is your AC still 20?
Mrrshala: Yes.
DM: I’ve got bad news.
Mrrshala: I’m dead. Gotta find a new heir, Aliarra.
DM: I think you have more hit points than he can actually dish out at the max.
Hanzo: What if he crits?
Aiden: (counting squares) I can save you.

Cissy happily prepares an attack that she couldn’t use with Mrrshala in her square but will gladly fire over her corpse, and is simultaneously praised and shamed. An incredibly inappropriate comment (Hitler-based) is made. The minotaur deals 70 points of damage to Mrrshala with its attacks. Pan attempts to kill Aliarra – the player, not the character.

Aiden: Whenever we decided to end D&D, we’ll have to end with Monopoly.
DM: No. No. I respect most of you too much.
Hanzo: “MOST” of you?
DM: Yeah. You all can try to guess which one.

MORE HORRIBLE JOKES.

Aiden: I’m too busy being stunned by how far we’ve just gone.
Hanzo: Rockville D&D was the first YouTube channel to get 600,000 flags for inappropriate in a single day. Word gets around. Aiden heals, while Mrrshala damages, as is the way of these things.

Aliarra: I actually missed! I rolled a 3… All right, please move me –
DM: Away. She’s running!
Aiden: Over the wall. “Hello, cat-people!”
Aliarra: No, the other way.
Aiden: “Goodbye, catpeople!”

Hanzo kills a minotaur, delighted that finally a character of his managed to slay a minotaur without someone stealing the kill. Cissy spell-crits the final minotaur!

DM: Victorious, you are. A large-scale battle, and the field of battle is yours in the end. You all pat yourself on the back.

Cissy begins struggling across the trench that somehow, during the entire battle, she never crossed. Most everyone sits and watches this, finding it hilarious.

DM: You walk past the bodies of minotaurs smoldering, the ram they were using… As you get closer to the wall you notice the bodies of Banglasharans that have fallen off the wall…
Cissy: Cissy is wandering the battlefield looking for surviving minotaurs. If there’s any that are alive, she’s going to shoot them in the face with an orb of something.
Aliarra: Jesus. Waste them spell. “And now the real battle begins, I hope you guys didn’t use all your strength on the last one!”
DM: I was tempted to do that.
Pan: I have Tasha’s Hideous Laughter still…
DM: You cautiously open the door, it creaks. Groans.
Cissy: A Banglasharan child looks at you quizzically and goes, “Daddy?”
Aiden: No! Nope, I have never been here before. I’m only wanted on the mainland.
DM: As you open the door, your boot scuffs against a stout, grayish-skinned dwarf, and ahead you see more bodies – more dwarves, more Banglasharans.

They question this twist curiously and Aliarra flies to scout it out, hearing the din of fighting! The fighting has wound down by the time they reach them. Aiden hurries into the field to start healing.

Aliarra: I’ll slam down in the middle of the combat and bellow at the dwarves to surrender. With a 34 on my Intimidate.
DM: It was a valiant effort, but no. Blame it on the natural 20 to come and disrupt things.
Hanzo: The dwarves all stop their fighting to drop their pants and moon you.
DM: Every within earshot, even the Banglasharans, drop their weapons.
Aiden: “Not you, the dwarves!”
Aliarra: Huh. Welp, I’ll kill them all then!
DM: But the Banglasharans, quicker to react, lift their arms again and point them at the dwarves.
Aliarra: Note to self: slightly edit this tale when relating it to Faldoun.
Aiden: Yeah, Faldoun, we killed the minotaurs and then he went in and conquered both the dwarves and the Banglasharans.
Aliarra: I conquered this fort single-handed! What’s my experience bonus? I am lord of this, I claim this fort in the name of Landsritter! Hey Mrrshala, I’m giving you a fiefdom!

The discussion wanders veeeery far afield.

Aliarra: What’s the name of this Banglasharan magister? Garfield?
Cissy: “Where’s my lasagna?”
DM and Aliarra: “I hate Mondays.”
Aliarra: DM, we’ve been friends for too long, we have to stop.

Most of the group goes off to see the Magister, except for Aiden, who is healing, and Cissy, who is murdering dwarves. But the day is at an end, so the Magister must await the next session! But they do see Faldoun and the army off in the distance, showing that all have managed to achieve victory.

DM: His greatsword propped up on one shoulder, and in the other, he drags the largest minotaur you’ve ever seen.
Aliarra: He just has to show us up.

What will occur next time? STAY TUNED!