After the last session, in which Skalturin laughed at the blatant Fallout 3 reference for like twenty minutes straight, the DM has abandoned his old plot and elected to reboot the campaign.

DM: For different reasons, you find yourself on a boat to a new land discovered recently. This land of turmoil seems to be cloaked in a veil—
Faeryl: Pandaria!
DM: But no one seems to be in a hurry to go see it, sending out the cheapest or whatever was available at the time. Wars, and other real adventurers, fighting wars, mercenary work… You all find yourselves on this boat because, well, they didn’t want you for anything else. Or maybe you are the best in your fields. If that’s what you want to believe. Or maybe not. But you find yourselves going to this land to scout it out, see what’s in there. It’s the first time this land’s been discovered in the supposedly 100% explored sea…

Captain Gentleheart, who doesn’t like his name, and his hearty crew are the only company the PCs have on this boat; there are no other people or cargo aboard. The DM calls for Listen checks. They hear the shout of ‘Land ho!’

Skalturin: (to Gorbul, at the DM’s insistence they roleplay) “Something about you, friend, seems to speak of lightning and fire.”
Gorbul: (plugging one nostril and aiming the other at Skalturin)
Skalturin: Is that the fire nostril or the lightning nostril?
DM: Awkward casting method!
Skalturin: Why is one a cone and one a line? Only one has a bean lodged in the sinuses. That was how I awakened to my powers… “What title do you use?”
Gorbul: “I have no title.”
Skalturin: “Then Friend Gorbul you shall be.” Until I discover you’re a dragonfire adept, and then it will be Dragonfire Adept Gorbul.
Gorbul: Oh god, it’s too long. Stop it.
Skalturin: DFA Gorbul.
Gorbul: No. No acronyms.
Skalturin: Adept Gorbul.
Gorbul: (a long pause) That sounds all right.
DM: The shout of ‘land ho!’ interrupts your conversation.
Skalturin: It’s the land ho! “Hey sailors…”
DM: Anyone who’s on the deck can see the awkward look of the captain, as he was not expecting to be so close to this new land. The last trip out by the scouts said the land was two weeks out in this direction. But you’ve only been out for one. Seems odd. Perhaps a clue into this mystery.
Skalturin: I roll a Spot check. I’m looking for a head, tail or flippers on this island.
DM: You don’t quite see an island. You see a mist.
Skalturin: Well when I DO, I’ve got a 25 to see if it’s in fact a turtle. A large turtle with an island on it.
Gorbul: Inhabitated by pandas.
Skalturin: Hey, there are other islands that have turtles on them…
Gorbul: True. But you know what you were thinking of.
Skalturin: No. Actually I was thinking of the dragon-turtle from The Last Airbender.
Gorbul: Oh. Actually, that was the other one I was thinking of.
Reeve: Would I be able to do a Knowledge(nature) to see if this thing is, in fact, a turtle?
DM: You can’t quite see it yet!
Skalturin: And I’m just being a jerk and pre-empting his revelation. I have Knowledge(genre).

A mist washes over the boat, and when it fades they see an island, sans turtle features, with bright and cheerful terrain...and a mysterious blackness behind the mountains. The ship pulls up to the docks, and three men come out from the village to stare them down. Skalturin demands Gorbul be their face with his high Charisma, but he refuses because he’s eating. Faeryl steps up and rolls some Diplomacy.

DM: You have a 26, I’m not going to count you wrong if you say something weird to them… your 26 protects you against stuff.
Skalturin: “I am the eggman! I am the walrus!”
All: Googoogajoob!
Faeryl: No, something like, “Peace of Ehlonna be upon you.”

The dock-men greet them, and inquire as to their business and how they arrived. The PCs respond with total silence.

DM: The captain, seeing how the party has nothing to say…
Skalturin: What part of ‘I’m the reticent type’ is unclear here?! I’m not always gonna be the one who opens his big fat mouth to talk to the NPCs! Someone else pitch in once in a while, god damn it!

Gorbul finally shows up to do some talking, and with some cryptic comments about the priests, the men introduce themselves as Xyrus and Xyren, the twin leaders of the village. They warn them of danger, monsters and dark denizens of the other side. Skalturin leaps to the docks, and the DM forces him to roll a Jump check.

DM: You land successfully on the dock. Just roll the Jump check to see whether you land on your face, or you—
Skalturin: 24, okay?!
DM: Okay, you do a blackflip and a stylized land.

The culture here is baffling to them; it all has a very unusual look, more Eastern in influence. They quickly roll initiative, having noticed that Faeryl is in the bathroom. The leader tells them the land is not well explored, and the strange nature of the land makes it very difficult.

DM: “You will see for yourself when you leave this walls. If you look to the left, west of the village the shore seems to go off in the distance. Lots of land to set foot on. To the east is the same. But when you leave this village, you will see a landlocked village, with no water anywhere. This continent is strange, and as long as we’ve been on here, we do not quite understand it. That’s why we have not left this village, in the hopes that someday we might understand it, but we fear if everyone were to leave, we might lose our only way out.
Reeve: “So no one who’s left the village has ever returned?”
DM: “No. Most people who have left the village seeking treasure or adventure has never returned. They leave the village gates, they simply vanish when they’re out of sight. We call to them, they never respond. Even when we try to have somebody walk back when they disappeared, we didn’t see them again.:
Skalturin: “I assume you have tried rope or other such ties.”
DM: “Yes. It was quite curious. When we get to the village door, you can see the rope.”

Silence, as the PCs digest this.

DM: “Ha ha. Your silence amuses me.”
Reeve: …I’m sorry, did my mic cut off?
DM: No, Skalturin just gave me a weird look and stayed quiet, so—
Skalturin: What was I supposed to say? He said, “You’ll see the rope,” it’s like, okay, well. He answered my question. (exaggerated voice) “The rope! You mean it’s still there?” “Well yeah, fucking what I just said it was still there. Why ya actin’ with such incredulity?!” “Well it ain’t like a rope would normally still be there if ya tied it to a guy and he walked outside.” “Well it’s still there! And you’re gonna see it for yaself, son!”
Gorbul: “I gua-ron-tee!”
DM: …why’d you slip into a Louisiana accent?
Skalturin: I DON’T KNOW!
DM: The accent just keeps shifting!
Gorbul: You went from gangster-black… to Louisiana. That’s fantastic.
Skalturin: I was just letting it roam free…

The group heads off to the temple to meet the priestess, who greets them with cryptic words about the ‘time of waking’ and inquires what they wish to gain here. She warns them that when they leave the gates they will not see her again for a long time – but vows they will, indeed, see her. The group becomes convinced that outside the walls lies he Birthright campaign setting, which leads to a discussion on the ill-fated Birthright computer game.

DM: “Explore the village as you see fit. Gather the supplies you need, and I will meet you at the gate.”
Gorbul: Three weeks later… “Oh when are they fucking COMING?!? Oh my God…”
Skalturin: “Sorry, we found a whorehouse…”

The group takes a quick break in order to blame Skalturin for everything, ever. To make up for the loot they didn’t get prior to the reboot, the DM awards them for some money, while implying that the captain had intercepted much of the money they didn’t know they were going to receive. Off they go to shop!

DM: That’s plenty of distraction. Give them gold, tell them to buy stuff…

People play music in the background, annoying the transcriber. They characterize his annoyance as douchebaggery. The group also encourages Skalturin to once again don the mantle of the DC Pusher, to push Congressmen in front of trains. Skalturin, for his part, points out he has no reason to go into DC any more.

Skalturin: I could just as easily become the Bristow Pusher.
Gorbul: That’s the laziness talking.
Skalturin: Well it’s not like hard work is rewarded. I’m going to become the Basement Pusher, that’s how lazy I am.
Gorbul: “Stupid cat!” (mimes pushing)
Skalturin: …Come to think of it, I DID do that last night…

A while passes before the group realizes that they’re actually ready to proceed with the game. The DM calls for Knowledge(nature) checks all around, and those who rolled well realize that despite time passing, the sun hasn’t moved in the sky. Reeve discovers that compass needles slowly spin while in town.

Skalturin: “It seems that this continent is strange and more that this town is strange.”
DM: “I see you’ve come to the same conclusion we have.”
Gorbul: It is time to purge the town!
DM: As you approach the gate, you do see an unusual sight.
Gorbul: “A gate! Oh my god…”
Skalturin: It’s the rope.
DM: Yes. It’s suspended in midair, taunt.
Reeve: Does it look like it’s tied to an invisible ghost?
DM: No. It’s taunt. Limp at a certain point, but taunt going off into the mist.
Skalturin: …taut?
DM: Oh, I thought there was an N there. Taut? That’s it? Doesn’t even sound right…

Out they head! Skalturin, out of curiosity, follows the rope out to where it fades into nonexistence. At about fifty feet, a forest abruptly fades in around them, while behind them the city and even the ocean have completely vanished, leaving them inland and stranded just as the town leaders had said. Someone has emblazoned an arrow on a nearby tree. The forest itself seems ancient and almost primeval. After careful Survival checks and brief discussion, they continue deeper in, following the arrow-marked trail.

DM: Continuing east, at one point it diverges a bit… it’s almost night now, give or take. The sun fading into the east… Yes. It’s normal, it’s not reverse.
Mikas: So the sun normally sets in the east?
DM: …Yes. In this world. Whatever it normally does. I forget now.
Mikas: In real life, it sets in the west. Rises in the east.
DM: Then yes, it is reversed. But you’re used to the other one.
Mikas: Whichever one you’re used to, do the opposite!
DM: Well, give me a Knowledge(nature), let’s see if you recognize that.
Skalturin: What, that the sun is setting? (rolling) Natural 1! “Why is it getting darker out here?!”

Looking around, the group realizes that everything seems a bit larger here – even squirrels are the size of small dogs! They set up camp and assign watches as night falls abruptly and very darkly indeed: no moon, no stars. Skalturin, on first watch and with darkvision, spies new mysterious shadows coming out in the darkness.Mikas, up next, sees much the same – the shadows leap between the trees and rustle on the ground.

Mikas: Last time, even though it’s been wiped from the history records, last time Mikas snuck out there to check something out, some facefucker landed on her face and planted its eggs in her! But that’s unfortunate, because Mikas doesn’t know that. Yeah, I’m gonna try to do a little move silently.
Skalturin: (epic facepalm)
Mikas: Can I take a stick and light it? I’m gonna take a lit torch out with me… Move Silently doesn’t really make a difference at this point.
DM: Move Silently with a bright torch! I can’t hear you, but I can definitely SEE you…
Mikas: I’m very very slowly and cautiously going to start moving to the edge of the light the fire creates, but I’m definitely not going to leave that area.
DM: The light begins to extend into the forest. You hear a loud, “Rawk!” The torch that you held out in front of you seems to be hit by a very big drop of white stuff, putting it out instantly. The sound of the squawking bird above you… even without a Nature check, you’re easily able to tell that you’ve been pooped on.

Everyone gets a cheap laugh out of this. Something large leaps at Mikas, though! She swipes at it with a punch dagger, misses, and the creature flies for her face, dealing 6 points of damage to her.

Mikas: I’m gonna get facefucked again! At this point I’m yelling out…

Initiative is rolled! Mikas sees the creature clearly in the firelight now: it’s a huge squirrel.

Gorbul: I pull out a big peanut out of my bag.
Skalturin: Horribly, this becomes a TPK. The DM has overpowered the squirrels severely.
DM: It was an 8d6, now it’s a 50 Hit Dice creature…

Acting first, Mikas stumbles backwards and skirmishes the squirrel with her longbow. Gorbul, stumbling awake, launches a lightning bolt into the squirrel. The DM calls for Spot checks as the bolt briefly illuminates the forest. (Skalturin rolls a natural 1 and is briefly blinded). Those who roll well see several more squirrels and an owl in the woods. The squirrel pounces Mikas, deals 6 points of damage, and attempts to grapple her.


DM: Don’t worry about it. It apparently slipped on all paws and crashed back down to his feet. But the strike was true!

Reeve buffs himself and his animal companion, but the latter misses. The owl is up next!

Skalturin: HOO! His deep, reverberating HOO does three points of sonic damage to all of us.
DM: All right, well, Skalturin said it. He didn’t actually do that, but Skalturin has added to it so you also take three points of sonic damage. I’m just gonna make whatever Skalturin says true. That hurts you all. Skalturin’s like, “We got gold!” Yes. You got gold… ogres. Who are living and easily able to kill you. Anyways, the owl leaps – er, not leaps, swoops down…
Skalturin: “Hoo!” (miming the owl splatting on the ground)

As the owl attacks, someone sneaks up on Skalturin, but he hears them and lets out a bellow. He takes a whopping 15 as a large wolf gnaws on his neck, then another three as he stands and deals 10 to it in return. Mikas ducks out of combat to skirmish, provoking an AOO..

DM: Sadly, he did not make it, as he swipes at you.
Skalturin: The squirrel leaps down your throat!
Mikas: The squirrel impregnates you! “Aww, again?” 17 points of damage!

Gorbul blasts again, vowing not to stop no matter how many times his lightning triples the number of animals. The squirrel he faces grunts violently as it heals up. Reeve’s companion does 10 points to the healing squirrel, which splatters it as if reversing its heal. Reeve also drops some healing on Skalturin. The owl attacks Apple, but Reeve’s dog deflects the blow and Faeryl shoots it. Skalturin gets bitten by the wolf, undoing the healing, then hits the wolf in return with four of his 6 attacks. Mikas and Gorbul interrupt a healing squirrel. Mikas rolls a Spot check, and sees the remains of the crushed squirrel headed for the crushed wolf! Reeve casts Barkskin, and Apple attacks the owl for 4. Faeryl heals Mikas.

DM: Skalturin, you watch as the wolf’s bloody body begins to shift and move, slithering across the ground towards the squirrel. You can mesh the body more.
Skalturin: I grapple it – aww, that was pathetic. I probably hit the touch attack, though, since it’s just a puddle of mush on the ground…
DM: It’s easy enough to grab.
Skalturin: All right, my Strength – oh wow. You’re fired. My grapple check is 13.
DM: Its sliminess is a bit too much to simply grab. It slithers out –
Skalturin: No wait, 15 – no, 17, because I have Girallon Arms. I forgot about that.
DM: It’s a tie then. You’re able to almost cut it in half as you grip it. Part of it kind of flies out. You keep grabbing stuff off as it’s moving ahead… As you watch the two bloody messes come together, the blood and sinew merge together to form a weird blob.
Skalturin: How close is it to the fire?
DM: About five feet away.
Skalturin: Bull rush it!
DM: A gelatinous, bloody ooze is formed.
Mikas: And you land in the fire.
DM: It lashes out with a tentacle of blood and bone, doing a whopping 4 points of damage, but give me a Fortitude save.
Skalturin: 23.
DM: That’s more than good enough to shake off the weird feeling of ra—of even more frenzy, as if something was going to enter your bood.
Skalturin: I hit it on my touch attack, unquestionably, now for the opposed Strength check – WHAT? What’s wrong with me tonight?! I always choke on the rolling. I rolled a 9.
DM: Don’t worry, it didn’t roll too well either. It rolled a 2.
Skalturin: I shove it into the fire.
DM: The roar goes out! The fire seems to burn it.
Skalturin: Empowering it!
Mikas: Now it’s just a burning oozy mass.
DM: It loses its consistency and splashes to the ground.

With most of the light gone as the fire is extinguished, the battle rages onwards. Gorbul blasts the owl out of the air, but it immediately begins to heal. Reeve casts Light on one of his rations – why one of his rations? Your guess is as good as mine.

Faeryl: On his ration? I guess that’s what you’d call a light snack.
Mikas: That was good. THAT was funny. Take notes.
Skalturin: If I had said it, you’d have all been groaning! You only laughed because it was her!
Gorbul: Yes! You see what you’ve done with yourself. You have tainted yourself! It’s not anyone’s fault but your own!

Creatures and PCs continue to trade blows, but with overwhelming force the PCs overcome the healing on the creatures. Gorbul finishes off the oozing piles attempting to merge with a blast of fire. The lingering animals scramble back into the woods without going monstrous.

Gorbul: Gorbul sleep now!
Skalturin: Thank you for being so understanding of… I have two extra glowing arms, a glowing tail…
Gorbul: I breathe fire and lightning!
Mikas: I… see that.
Skalturin: We’re all understanding each other. I could breathe fire if I wanted…
Gorbul: Uh-huh. Sure. Uh-huh. Yeah. Whatever you say. Good night.
Reeve: Would a Knowledge(nature) check tell me ANYTHING about what the HELL went on with his combat?
DM: If you had a nature book on you right now, you’d throw it on the fire. It’d be useless to you now. None of your books have ever said anything about animals who can suddenly regenerate themselves.
Skalturin: ”What provoked this attack?
Mikas: Stupid-ass elf wandering onto their territory with a torch in the middle of the night…
Skalturin: Is that your in-character answer?
Mikas: No.
DM: An ominous voice calls out, “The light did.”
Gorbul: “Thank you, God.”
Skalturin: (slow-clapping)
Gorbul: “Ah, Golbez. We meet again.”
DM: No… I can’t do slow-clapping any more… I can’t do that…
Skalturin: He was sitting there really wishing. In his notes, it says, “This is where he WOULD slow-clap, IF I COULD DO THAT ANY MORE.” Underline underline underline…
Mikas: Thank you for ruining our roleplaying for us, Skalturin.
Skalturin: (sputtering) Like you guys really take my campaign seriously. “Let’s fight them so they have to kill us instead of taking us to jail.”
DM: In the tree, balanced on a branch, a dark figure. “The light always sets them off. When the night comes, the evil rises and takes the creatures nearby, and attacks those who set the night upon the forest. They always do. You have to get used to the night… used to standing in the darkness. They usually wait… the festering, the madness. I seeyou got struck by the large bloody thing. Did you not feel it in you? The frenzy, the madness? Perhaps it was quenched by the rage in you… perhaps not. I’ve been in these woods for a few months now, trying to find the village again. With little success. I assume you came from it?”
Skalturin: “It seems your success would just be in surviving out here.”
DM: “Yes, keeping to the trees. Keeping the light off…”
Skalturin: “Squirrels and owls hate trees!”
DM: “No, their footing isn’t great, they try not to attack me up here…”
Gorbul: Terrible squirrels.
Mikas: You are not Rescue Ranger material.
DM: “But keeping the light off tends to keep them subdued.”
Skalturin: “Who might you be?”
DM: “They call me Crumin. At least, that’s what the other the other people call me.”
Mikas: “Okay, Cruroar.”
Skalturin: And she was giving me shit! And I’ve been sitting here—
Gorbul: And you were THINKING it, weren’t you?
Faeryl: I sure was.
Skalturin: We ALL were.
Gorbul: Yep, me too.
Skalturin: And I’ve been sitting here very deliberately not making a joke about how to keep yourself from the animals, you have to put down a circle at night, but no! She’s got to open her big mouth…
DM: “I suggest you put the lights out. Learn to adjust to the night, or the nights will be long and tiresome.”
Mikas: “Crumin… you’ve been up there the whole time and never once thought it was a good idea to maybe help us?”
DM: “I just kinda moved over here when I heard the commotion. I didn’t get her in time, I guess would be the more appropriate term. You all seemed to have an easy enough time for it. You easily figured out what happened around you. Some of the less obvious things you probably needed help on. It’s not like I’m just wandering out this forest looking for people, I’m wandering around this forest looking for a village that doesn’t appear to exist any more…”

Crumin explains that he’s searched all through the forest for the village and has seen nothing. Instead, he sees darkness, consuming every night.

DM: “You get used to the nothingness, the darkness…”
Skalturin: “You’re wrong. Because I know now, without a doubt… that Kingdom Hearts IS LIGHT!”

A very long silence.

DM: Use a Strength check to open the goddamn door, Skalturin! Close it up! Close it up! Mickey’s on the side, you motherfucker…
Gorbul: And the plot’s ruined for Skalturin.
Skalturin: No, I’m good! I’ve been playing Kingdom Hearts lately, I’m good.
DM: “You haven’t seen the dark things yet. The real darkness.”
Gorbul: “The Heartless.”

Crumin speaks in dire terms of the return of the orc-men and the trolls and other such creatures. Mikas offers him a place in the party; Gorbul spins a tale of them slaying him by accident and arrested for murder.

Gorbul: “Take them to the dungeon! Shackle them! And blindfold them.”
Skalturin: “Noooo! Nooooo! Noooooo!”
DM: There goes THAT portion of the plot.
Skalturin: The first session of any campaign: erasing anything the PCs guess.

They put out their fire, only to discover they can somehow see even better in the darkness than in the light. Skalturin references the light-creating properties of the darkness spell. Daylight returns abruptly, cutting off roleplaying and healing opportunities as quickly as they’d come.

Mikas: Do I have to finish my watch?!
Skalturin: The snores are your only answer…

Crumin heals Mikas, and the night passes uneventfully. Mikas insists on chatting up Crumin since she’s being forced to take the rest of her watch. His race is determined to be “Snidely Whiplash”, though he hints at having celestial blood that has been watered down over generations. Day returns more officially this time. Crumin walks with them and gives them a little exposition as they walk, explaining that the great wall of blackness came from the east, and that whispers in the night robs people of their sleep.

DM: “Perhaps maybe you’ll hear it soon. You slept so soundly… I haven’t slept in a week. The voice is loudest here.”
Skalturin: Cured with a sap!
Gorbul: We’ll make you sleep!
Mikas: Knock him out! Little leather tool…
DM: (to the computer Come on, Redskins, get in the fucking game!
Skalturin: My god, he DOES see and hear things beyond mortal ken!

On they travel, leaving the forest for the plains. In the distance, they see a farmstead, which is being built upwards since all their livestock is doubled in size. A cow is trapped in a door because of its size increase.

Skalturin: “Come, let us aid Cow Bossy here.”
DM: Walking closer, you see a few people attempting to push the cow out.
Skalturin: “Reeve.”
Reeve: “Yes?”
Skalturin: “Can you use your skill with animals to calm this creature?”
Reeve: “I can most certainly do so.” So it looks like I’ll be using wild empathy.
DM: That’ll work.

Reeve abruptly discovers he’s two levels behind for some reason, but manages to calm the cow down, despite rage and blackness deep within it. With the cow much calmer, they pry it out of the door. The farmer thanks them, noting that it’s been a few years since outsiders had emerged from the forest. Examining the cow, Skalturin notes that it’s not just larger, but tougher, and would be a lot more aggressive if it weren’t domesticated.

Skalturin: “What of its milk?”
Mikas: You suck on its teat, to try the milk…
DM: I assume he asked the farmer!
Skalturin: Yes.

The farmer describes it as thicker and not making them stronger, but possibly might be making them angrier. The roleplay abruptly tapers off as no one else speaks.

Skalturin: Well I suppose I had MY little detour, tending to this cow, which none of you gave a shit about. So onwards we go. Cow caught in a door, y’all are like, “Screw that cow. It’s funny.”
DM: None of you noticed Crumin didn’t say anything, he’d just vanished. He left maybe a few minutes after you approached the cloud.
Skalturin: He disappeared in a cloud of Golbez. His somatic component for disappearing: (slow-clapping) Every time he claps, a cloud of smoke rises higher until at last he disappears. The DM’s over there like, “Grr, how dare they keep mentioning things from previous campaigns. Boat adventure, Skalturin, boat adventure!”
Gorbul: Vampire monk!
DM: That’s why I’m not saying anything, because karma has come back to bite me…
Skalturin: The next vampire I throw at you is going to be a vampire effing totemist. All his attacks are natural.

Traveling on, they reach a fortified town. It too shows evidence of the changes the land is undergoing. A guard hails them, inquiring of their business.

Skalturin: Someone else gets to speak this time.
Gorbul: Come on, cow boy!
Skalturin: Come on, cleric with Diplomacy! …she’s not even paying attention.
DM: It’s Pokemon time, what’re you talking about? Just talk, Skalturin, god damn it.
Skalturin: I’ve got no Diplomacy! My Charisma is 10! Why am I the party face?!
Gorbul: Because you’re so good at it!
DM: Look what I go through! I love to talk, but people complain. “Why ya telling everyone, DM? Why ya always talking, DM?” And in your game, no one wants to talk.
Skalturin: After a long moment of silence, I curse my companions bitterly—
Gorbul: Oh yeah, I could talk, but I’m not going to. I want to see you struggle.
Skalturin: “Hail!”
DM: “What brings you here?”
Gorbul: “He said, ‘What brings us here’?”
Skalturin: I RAGE! SIX ATTACKS COMING YOUR WAY, GORBUL!

They explain they come from the edge, and the guard lets them enter. The town is Feledor, and they are asked to register their weapons before entering.

Gorbul: I take my spear and snap it over my knee, toss it aside. “I need not this!”
Skalturin: God, that was a bit dramatic…
DM: “You didn’t need to do that, sir… I just needed to know you had weapons, what weapons you had…”
Skalturin: That was very DM-like. “Register my weapon? There! I’ll never have to—“ Maybe that was Brunt-like. I’m not certain.

Gorbul laughs himself silly, as Mikas sneaks her punch-dagger through unregistered. The guard points them to the Gilded Mare if they want lodging, though Mikas inquires about other options.

DM: “You can check the blacksmith—“
Skalturin: (mishearing) The Chesty Blacksmith?
DM: “You can check the blacksmith if you need repairs for your weapons.”
Skalturin: Oh. I was just imagining an inn called the Chesty Blacksmith. It’s just a combination of Hooters and an armory. All the bar maidens have corsets that inflate their assets and the tables are all shaped like anvils.
Mikas: I like how you put so much thought into this…
DM: “The town’s recently gone through a lot of expansion. The rumors of this edge village have brought adventurers from near and far, expanding our business.”
Mikas: “Did you start these rumors just so you could expand your business?”

The guard mentions a Lady Ehlorra, another outsider, who came to the town and still dwells there.

DM: “She lives just outside the temple, about a few feet over in one of the residential areas.” (a long pause) “And by feet, I mean blocks.”
Skalturin: I wasn’t gonna say anything… for once.
Gorbul: I was thinking it too.
Skalturin: And that’s why we didn’t say anything. Because we knew the DM would just sit there, stewing in his own self-consciousness, until he felt obligated to correct himself. Unlike me, I only correct myself if I notice you guys have noticed. “Crap, I didn’t get away with that, I better correct myself.”

Mikas requests to go visit the Lady Ehlorra for the purpose of checking her out, but they head off to the Gilded Mare to get lodging first. They inquire about Ehlorra of the innkeep, getting some history: apparently, her boat crashed in Edgeville. Another outsider had another crash at the same town. He also gives them some basic political information.

Skalturin: “Is your ruler a good man?”
DM: “Oh yeah… we send our taxes, he sends his guards.”
Mikas: “Yes. He is a great king. We…. Love… him…

No, he does seriously seem to be decent, even as Mikas rolls a Sense Motive. Cheap shots are made at Congress. Mikas asks questions while refusing to use her actual Mikas voice; in the background, Skalturin repeats her every line in the Sweet Southern Belle voice he has been forbidden from using.

DM: He’s going to kill you.
Skalturin: I deserve it.
\
The innkeep explains that light only enrages creatures it touches, but even people who seem unaffected physically are growing angrier and darker. The stars in the sky also started going out a month or two ago, and then even the moon! Mikas and Skalturin start squabbling over whether they should seek out written versus spoken tales and histories.

Mikas: Please teach your character to read.
Skalturin: No. That would cost me two skill points and I have better use for them than that.
Faeryl: I’ll read to him.
DM: “And then the monster said… ‘roar’.”
Gorbul: (cheering and clapping like a child)
Skalturin: “What good did reading ever do any of you?”
Gorbul: “I have gained much knowledge through reading.”
Skalturin: “I have gained much knowledge from things other than reading.”
Gorbul: “I have more knowledge than you.”
Skalturin: “Oh yeah, how much Knowledge(nature) do you have?”
Gorbul: “None. How much Knowledge(nobility) do you have?”
Skalturin: “17 ranks.”
Gorbul: “No you don’t. It’s impossible to have that many ranks.”
Skalturin: “Well I cheated.”
Gorbul: “DM! DM!!!!!”

With a classic Gen 1 Transformers scene swap, the characters head to the temple. Faeryl steadfastly refuses to roll Knowledge(religion) to identify anything useful about said temple, but the images on its outside seem out of place somehow.

DM: “Ah, yes, welcome to the Temple of Gruumsh,
Gorbul: Temple of Gruumsh,
Skalturin: Yeah, I heard it too. Just in-character I don’t know… Does this priest have two eyes, or one?
DM: He has two eyes.
Gorbul: “You’re a TERRIBLE priest of Gruumsh.”
Skalturin: “No kidding, you’re fired.”
DM: “Why would I be a terrible—“
Gorbul: We didn’t say that in character, we don’t know who the hell Gruumsh is.
DM: “He is valor. He is good. He is the law of the land.”
Gorbul: Oh, this is Reverse World. Tell us about Heironious.
DM: “Ah! The god of chaos, the god of darkness, the god of evil! His voice speaks in the darkness.”
Skalturin: Pelor, the Burning Hate…
Mikas: Tell me about Gaaaaaaaarl Glittergold. (cracking up) I just love saying his name.
DM: Villain of the poor! Stealer of copper!

The characters break into another squabble over oral tradition versus written. Skalturin is accused of demanding fellatio. The priest shows Mikas maps at her requests, indicating that the road shifts slightly every so often! Getting into history, the priest tells them of a time when the people could gaze into what seemed like a mirror, but over time that other land separated away from theirs. They don’t remember what the word ‘ocean’ properly means. The land itself loops like a JRPG world map!

Skalturin: So basically, this world is shaped like a donut, and the darkness is in the hole.
DM: Pretty much.
Skalturin: I can’t believe you agreed to that with a straight face.

Mikas especially continues to ask technical questions about how this works, as well as the presence of the darkness, but the answers are mostly ominous warnings. Regretfully, the players acknowledge that half their number are completely exhausted from overwork or general misery and have flagged out, and thus the game is called there.

DM: Garl Bittercopper…