Surprise! No one came prepared with a game tonight, so a DM wearily drags himself behind the screen…

DM: All right. As you recall last time, you had defeated the gnoll forces that were assailing the innocent town of dwarves and humans, and you were rewarded with a great Ewok festival. Many of you drunk themselves into a stupor. Who here drunk themselves into a stupor?

Some players raise their hands.

DM: Excellent.
Normilan: I think I did…
DM: Are you going to be up and awake in time to prepare your spells, since you drank so much, Tasha?
Tasha: At midnight? I’m still drinking!
Brunt: No spells for you.
Eilnys: No, you put the beer down, you pray to your god, you pick the beer up.
DM: The party continues into the wee hours of the morning, although eventually you notice you guys are the ones continuing it –
Cruroar: What’re you talking about? I want to sleep at my usual time.
Brunt: Which is third watch.
DM: Tasha didn’t. Eilnys didn’t.
Cruroar: Right, but not all of us.
DM: …I’m speaking to those of you who it is.
Cruroar: All right. I went to bed on time. Got lots of sleep. I don’t need no drunken fatigue…

The priest puts them up in the temple. Tasha attempts to argue that because she traded out the Pack domain, she is no longer a priestess of the God of the Pack. The DM wearily explains how this works. The DM calls for Listen checks! Everyone rolls horribly somehow! Eilnys is the only one to awaken as she hears a faint screaming and realizes it isn’t in her dreams.

DM: Abruptly, though, the entire temple shakes. The rest of you all are jerked awake. Now there’s a very obvious sound, a hissing, and the temple itself seems to be shuddering as if under massive blows. They stop a moment later.
Cruroar: Oh, it’s the dragon.
Eilnys: Or one of them.
Cruroar: That’s why were were leaving the village! I’m pretty sure we DID leave the village!
Normilan: No, we didn’t.
Brunt: The battle itself ran extremely late.
Cruroar: No, I remember that, but then we stayed the night, then we left.
Normilan: No, we had planned what we were going to do, but we didn’t leave.
DM: You had planned out what you were going to do, I had asked you because it would effect what would happen.
Cruroar: (after a long silence) Well, that was a waste.

A very long pause.

DM: You all lie in bed, staring at each other. Another fierce blast-hissssss.
Brunt: That’s the part when you tell us you were done describing the events!
Cruroar: I was waiting for you to give us permission to leave, but you were still just standing there looking goofy!
DM: I gave a looooong pause…
Normilan: Yeah, apparently that’s enough.
Tasha: Tasha untangles herself from all of the dudes…
Cruroar: I get up and go outside! I mean, I get up, I put my hands on the ground so I can stand, then I put my left foot, then my right foot front, in a walking motion—
DM: Roll a check for every action you do.

The temple has no window, so they can’t see out. The elderly dwarven priest bursts through the door.

DM: “Ah! It’s the dragons. They’re here!”
Cruroar: “Of course they found out in a night.”
DM: “We’ve got ta get you all ta safety!”
Eilnys: “What?!”

The priest laboriously explains that he believes they can placate the dragons, whose greed will overcome their lust for vengeance. The players regard this skeptically, and Brunt attempts to supply the old dwarf with an inhaler. The old tunnels may not be safe, the priest explains, but they’re safer than dragon. The group heads for the tunnels, Eilnys grumbling all the way, but the green dragons are melting their way through the temple itself.

DM: “This thick stone is living stone of the mountains, but nay, no match for dragons!”
Brunt: (desperately suppressing laughter at the voice the DM is using) “Aye! I won’t trouble for further speech so you can focus on hobbling us to the cave.”
DM: He hobbles down the stairs that lead down to the main level of the temple, and into the back.
Brunt: That’s why he’s going so slow, his knees are broken!
DM: He beckons you past the altar, into the darkly lit depths which he traverses without a moment’s thought, having darkvision and all.
Normilan: Meanwhile… “Aaaah!” (slapping a hand on the table heavily)
Guiles: I’m staying close to someone, because I can’t see jack in dark.
DM: Hearing your footsteps falter, he reaches into his… jacket, jherkin, what have you, and produces a –
Normilan: Dildo.
DM: Talisman. It begins to shine with a bright light, illuminating this dark room. He quickly steps to the back of it, takes his walking stick, and knocks smartly against the wall at three specific points. With a low rumble, the wall begins to shudder, and a passage opens as a huge slab of the stone slides aside. A blast of musty air wafts out, assaulting your noses. The smell of old must and mold is thick here, and dust coats the air. “This is a passage to the old mines. We stopped working them. They played out. But deep we delved, and I am certain ye can find one of our other exits.”
Brunt: …how greedily and how deeply did you delve?
DM: “They worked out all of the iron a long time, until we found the silver on the other side of the hill. For many years these iron mines provided shelter, health and well-being for our people… especially since we no longer had access to the blood of the mountain. But…” In the distance the temple continues to quiver under assaults, but the old dwarf seems inclined to speak on! “Ah, it was many hundreds of years ago, when we first left the mountain, that we did seek out the many mines that honeycomb these hills. And this was one of the first, and soon it grew into the proudest.” The temple shudders again in the background, and faintly you hear screams coming from the altar room.
Brunt: “Father?”
DM: “Aye?”
Brunt: “Might you be needed back above?”
DM: “Aye. I am…”
Brunt: “Tell us about how you are needed back above.”
DM: “Well first I shall cast many spells…”

They finally get into the tunnel, though the dwarf continues to ramble on, and on, and on… They attempt to turn up the music to get him off the stage, but it fails. The DM cynically notes that casting Darkness produces ‘shadowy illumination’ according to the rules, to the player’s amusement and horror. Normilan casts Light on his quarterstaff, prompting them to call him Gandalf. The DM calls for Listen checks, which everybody blows hardcore except Giles. The tunnel winds deeply down before them.

Brunt: It just occurred to me that Old Father Dwarf didn’t really give us an idea of where to head.
Normilan: Well, that’s all right.
Cruroar: Six sessions later, the boat trip sounds like a great idea!
Normilan: The mine adventure becomes the new one.
Cruroar: That’s what the DM is gonna do, he’s gonna make an adventure worse than the boat trip so we never bring it up again.
Brunt: I’m gonna fail a Balance check and break my neck…
Giles: I think there’s a 50% chance the dragons would have been safer…

The DM vows to narrate the entire game in the voice of the old dwarf just to amuse the players, attempts this, and realizes it’s already shredding his voice. The players promptly roll poorly on a Spot check!

DM: Wow, I bought you all these dice, and now they’ve turned on you in my game!
Cruroar: Oh my god! That was the whole thing, Normilan! He went to some fucking Gypsy and cursed our dice!
Normilan: “Here you go… Merry Christmas!” (evil laughter)
Cruroar: You bastard!

A couple of rolls are barely high enough to notice the dust is disturbed on the ground. They spend a moment trying to adjust the camera – it ends up pointing at strange things.

Giles: Pog…
Normilan: They’re back!
DM: (opens his mouth, then shuts it)
Normilan: In Pog form? You almost said it.
DM: What other form would they be back in? Trading cards? …Pog, the trading card game!

The DM calls for minis and a marching order. They travel down a long distance, and at last hear water flowing in the distance.

Brunt: Coming from…?
DM: Ahead.
Normilan: (miming spewing water out of his mouth)
DM: Yes, it’s a statue with a Decanter of Endless Water in its mouth.

Normilan’s voice keeps causing feedback on the telepresence speakers, so the DM offers 10 experience to anyone who kicks him in the junk so he speaks in a higher register. Normilan produces knives, so no one does. Up ahead, the party sees a flowing river that comes out of side passage, down the tunnel 15 feet, and then down another side tunnel.

Brunt: Let’s just cast Mass Fly and ruin his planning for the entire session.
Cruroar: If I had leveled up last session, I’d have spider walk…
DM: Wait, when did we ruin your game with Mass Fly?
Brunt: What? Wha…?
DM: Normally your greatest bitterness is for things that you’ve personally experienced.
Tasha: We had those force golems, on the ceiling.
DM: That’s right! That’s when we ruined your game with Mass Fly.

Grumbling about the dwarf telling them nothing, they begin trying to figure out how to cross this. The group bemoans their lack of Swim or Balance; Cruroar declares himself to have some sort of bone disease. They elect to send Eilnys across with a rope tied around her waist.

Brunt: Off you go, dwarf!
Cruroar: The first time in ages she rolls a 1! “Aaaaaaaaaah!” We’re just like, ‘Damn’…
Brunt: Hopefully our rope won’t get all wet and useless.
Cruroar: There’s just big chomping blades here…

Eilnys promptly moves her mini into the wall, leading everyone to question how she enabled no-clip. Moving more properly, she makes it to the other side with a good roll.

Eilnys: And that’s when the aboleth grabs me, right?
DM: No, no, no. No – don’t move her, she was half-right. As she reaches this point in the water, it surges up ahead of her, and a mighty blow like a crashing wave descends upon her.
Cruroar: Water elementals?! Really!? Oh my god, water elementals again. Is that the undead of this campaign?!

Eilnys takes 11 points of damage, and the DM calls for initiative. Cruroar wails in despair about the promise of entering the water until the players remind him he’s a warlock and has ranged attacks. Brunt rolls a 20 on his initiative, and is extremely bitter about this ‘waste’ of a 20. Somehow it bursts into various renditions of ‘One-Winged Angel’.

Giles: Okay, I’m gonna summon a 14 minutes cutscene.
Cruroar: What are you fighting, the Emerald Weapon?
DM: Well it IS underwater!

Brunt bull-rushes the elemental almost out of the water, Eilnys whacks it, and Normilan fires magic missiles at it. It attempts to bludgeon Brunt, but fails. Tasha cheers uselessly. Giles… reads a My Little Pony book.

Brunt: Look what you’ve done! He’s now reading My Little Pony right in front of us.
Eilnys: Blame the DM.
Brunt: I can’t blame the DM, he didn’t create My Little Pony.
Cruroar: What’re you talking about? That’s what the DM uses his time machine for.
Giles: You have a time machine?!
Cruroar: Had one. HAD one. His time machine got hit by a train.
Brunt: Time machine… The first thing the DM would do with the time machine is fly to wherever the $400 million Powerball winner was, club him over the head before he bought the ticket… that’s what I would do!
Tasha: Why not just go back in time and play the stock market?
DM: I’d just take an almanac back in time!
Tasha: A sports almanac? Thanks, Buff. Wait… Biff? What was the guy’s name?
DM: Buff?
Brunt: Buff?! Did you say Buff?!

The elemental wails on Brunt ineffectually; Giles and Tasha are ineffectual at it in return. Brunt dispatches it with a mighty blow!

Brunt: Did I just steal Eilnys’s kill?
Normilan: About time someone did. I’m kidding, I’m kidding!
Brunt: I don’t even have a head to collect off of this thing. Eilnys’s head is bowed to the ground with minotaur skulls…
DM: Horns off of every direction.

With victory at hand, they seize the dropped rope before it can drift entirely into the river and resume making their ways across. Tasha ties the rope around her waist to be the balance on the far side. Cruroar complains his stats are too horrible to get him across, then rolls well and makes it across without incident. Normilan promptly loses his footing when he steps in, but he holds onto the rope with his mighty mage strength and heaves himself across. Tasha rolls a mighty 8.

DM: Tasha steps in and is immediately caught by the river.
Eilnys: (who is supporting the rope) I rolled a natural 20—
DM: I’m not even making you two roll. Between you being a dwarf and Brunt being a Brunt, you hold onto the rope without any problem. Give me one more check.
Cruroar: You are the best Brunt there is, Brunt. You’re the best at whatever Brunt does.
Tasha: Just Strength to hold on?
DM: You don’t need to hold on, it’s tied around you. This is just to get your feet back.
Tasha: 14.
DM: I want you to give me a Use Rope check.
Tasha: God damn, he is trying to kill me.
DM: No! I’m making you make relevant checks!
Tasha: 4.
DM: WHAT!?
Tasha: Fine, I’ll reroll it.
DM: …I’m giving you one more check. Don’t blow it.
Tasha: 20.
DM: Thank god. All right. As you’re yanked to the end of the rope, down that tunnel, the knot you tied around yourself comes undone with the sudden shock. You realize this just as you plummet over a fall and surge downwards. You seize the rope and cling to it with every bit of your strength. You’re not suspended from this rope, which you’re frantically clinging on to, as all of this flowing water thunders down around you on every side, trying desperately to push you off of the rope and sweep you down. You are in a dark hole, there’s no light down here and there’s barely any air…
Tasha: “Hello…”
DM: You all see this in horror-
Normilan: And burst out laughing!

They haul Tasha up through brute strength – everyone is called on to seize the rope and roll a Strength check. Cruroar moves to the back.

Cruroar: I didn’t help because I don’t have the strength.
DM: You can still help—
Cruroar: No I can’t!
DM: If you fail, you just don’t give your plus 2.
Cruroar: (angrily and bitterly rolls the d20 to prove the point… then facepalms)
Brunt: See! 20s for everyone!
Normilan: Wow.
Cruroar: (pained, incredulous laughter) What the fuck… I can’t roll worth a shit, and then a 20 comes out to save you?! Fuck you! I have never crit with him in combat! Ever! But your dumb ass deserves a 20?! Fuck you!
Tasha: You like me! You really like me!
Cruroar: Fuck you! I’m done! (leaving the table)

Tasha cheerfully offers to kill her character off, but the DM refuses to allow this. Their mighty efforts haul her to the surface and then to the side!

DM: Cruroar! I wish you hadn’t come out in the back, because you’re gonna be so mad about this.
Cruroar: What?
DM: You feel a slight sting on the back of your neck as you’re hauling the rope back there. You take 1 point of damage and I need you to give me a Fortitude saving throw.
Tasha: Fucking dwarves and their poisoned darts!
Cruroar: Well it’s not my Reflex save, I’ll tell you that much. Con I actually have some points in, so let’s see what happens. (rolling) You know what? That should’ve been a 20. It’s an 8. That’s 11.
DM: You take one point of Dexterity damage.
Cruroar: OH I’M GONNA DIE!

Cruroar passes the secondary save easily, failing to take an additional 4 Dex damage. The group wonders curiously what could have caused this. Normilan recasts his light spell and down they continue to travel, until at last they reach a T intersection. To one side, the passage goes on to a chamber; to the other side, they spot a large metal door. Electing to investigate the chamber, they advance forward towards it, and in the shadows they spot furniture.

Cruroar: So it’s a table and chairs.
DM: A table doth approach.
Tasha: That can’t be right.
Cruroar: We need to watch out, it probably has attacks of opportunity, since it’s –
Brunt: A table.
Cruroar: –a big mimic. It’s a MIMIC, dawg, it’s a mimic.
Brunt: Well let’s go fuck it up then. I’ll dungeoncrash it into itself.
Giles: I’ll shoot it with an arrow.

They start to investigate… slowly, as the DM draws a map with an absurd number of tables, so they mostly chatter. Tasha, looking at her sheet, gets inspired.

Tasha: All right, guys. With a 22 Charisma, from now on, I talk at every single castle we go to. Every time we’re summoned before a king, I do the talking.
Cruroar and Normilan: No.
Tasha: But with 22 Charisma I—
Normilan: I don’t give a flying fuck, you’re not talking.

At the far end of the table, there is a remarkably fancy chair. The players openly question if this is the Goonies. With a Spot check, they note something sparkling on the chair. Brunt looks under the table, and sees a dessicated corpse, of a strange creature they don’t have the Knowledge(dungeoneering) to identify. Brunt rolls further Spot checks as he peers beneath it… not well.

Brunt: I stab my eyes out!
DM: You see something moving under there.
Brunt: Fuck. Wait. Define ‘something’.
DM: You’re not sure.
Eilnys: Let’s flip that table!
Brunt: None of us is flipping this table. It’s made of stone!
Cruroar: Don’t worry, I summon a Wes. He drops the dirty elbow on the table, shattering it.
Normilan: It’s a 55-foot long solid stone table!
DM: You hear Brunt’s gasp of alarm.
Normilan: “What do you see?”
DM: Roll a Spot check! Natural 1…
Normilan: Please? (rolling) Awww.
DM: This is how alien abductions get started…

Normilan sees numerous corpses and one ominous shape at the far end. Giles rolls a Listen check and comes up with a 26, to the DM’s surprise.

DM: Something is above you!
Normilan: Oh crap.
Giles: Something is above who?
DM: You!
Tasha: Apu?
Giles: I’m moving quickly.
DM: Without pausing to look at what it might be, Giles moves.
Brunt: Well, if it’s Jason Vorhees up there, he won’t kill him unless he looks.

Tasha lapses into an extended, annoying imitation of Guru from DBZ Abridged. Giles, as he scrambles away, looks up to see a giant spider descending! The DM plunks down minis… one spider and one wolf, because the second spider mini is missing.

Normilan: A wolf spider!
Cruroar: Use the power of the fly!
DM: Roll for initiative!

After a lot of yakking, a spider moves hastily, hurling a web at Brunt. He is entangled! The next hurls one at Tasha, entangling her as well. Eilnys hurls a shortspear at a spider, impaling it! Normilan ponders his options. Such as setting the webs on fire.

Normilan: Will we die of suffocation…
DM: You would guess there’s probably some sort of smoke chimney in this room… or at least there was at one point.
Normilan: Do I risk the fact if it’s blocked up or not?
Cruroar: As we must now look up the suffocation rules of D&D!
Normilan: I’m gonna take it!

Normilan casts, setting the webs on fire! It does a mighty 18 points of damage to the spider. Giles eyes the map as best he can.

Giles: They’re 20 feet up in the air?
Normilan: Yeah, they’re clinging to the wall.
Giles: Well, I can’t swing a sword that high, so…
Normilan: Get a longer swooooooord!

Giles slays the spider with an arrow, causing it to crumple up. Brunt darkly predicts a swarm, then bursts free of his bonds. From the far end of a table, a Huge spider bursts out from beneath, bowling over chairs as it does. Giles rolls his attack of opportunity, but then everyone remembers he has a bow and gets none. The spider bites him for 16 and a Fortitude saving throw.

Giles: 13.
Brunt: Oh…
DM: I’m sorry, that is not enough. You take 8 points of Strength damage.
Cruroar: GOOD GOD!
Tasha: Wow…
Cruroar: Oh my god, keep that thing AWAY from me…

The last Large spider attempts to bite Tasha, but fails entirely thanks to her armor. Eilnys whacks a spider. The Huge spider arches over Normilan’s flaming sphere, taking no damage. The mage casts Fists of Stone.

Brunt: Babau Slime!
Normilan: I am NOT wrestling this thing…

Giles bravely Tumbles behind the rest of the party, and then the game dissolves into an argument about strength penalties to bows. Brunt marches through its threatened area, and it misses it AOO shamefully. He whacks it in return.

DM: Excellent! You add your damage on top of Giles, hacking where his arrow told you it was weak! Your blow sinks deeply into a limb. Ooooooooze oooooooozes out, like an oooooooooooooooze.
Brunt: (paralytic laughter)
Giles: You’re making me think I’m on Nickelodeon…

The PCs gang up on the spider, which responds by biting Tasha for 12, but she passes the Fortitude save. The spider bites Eilnys on an AOO; she respond by rolling 28 to resist the venom, being a dwarf and all. Giles bemoans his uselessness. Something zings Cruroar again from behind! The spider attempts to bite Brunt, and miraculously hits him!

DM: You take a mere 1 point of Strength damage.
Normilan: Is it 1d8?
DM: Yeah. I wonder how you guessed that.

Eilnys kills it, by lopping off its head as is her wont. The DM, however, keeps them in initiative order. Cruroar sees something slip around the corner!

Cruroar: “AAAH! THAT WAY!” Pewpewpewpewpew – cause a cave-in…

No one else sees this, however. Cruroar scrambles around the corner to see a tiny winged figure zipping out of the range of his darkvision. Still, no one can see it as it flitters out of sight!

Cruroar: “IT’S STILL GOING, IT’S STILL GOING!” They’re convinced I’m going crazy…
Normilan: Yeah, pretty much.
Brunt: We should chase it just to make him draw the map.

To identify this, Cruroar rolls Knowledge(the planes)… poorly. The players lie down like abused dogs and accept that this invisible creature has beaten them because it’s fast.

Brunt: I’m gonna look for trouble. Kick open a door. Or something.
DM: Is anybody chew—chewing to pursue it, apparently…

Normilan stays with Cruroar, while the others go back to investigate whatever was sparkling on that chair.

Brunt: And maybe make sure there are no more spiders under the table! Or in the room for that matter! …Brunt remember that he’s supposed to be dead.
DM: Who’s investigating the sparkly thing?
Tasha: I am.
Eilnys: And me.
DM: Okay, as you two head over there, roll for nothing.
Cruroar: I’m still watching that hallway like a hawk.
Normilan: I feel sorry for Cruroar, so I’m just standing here for moral support…

They find gems on the chair, even as Brunt insists they look under the table and Normilan predicts a mimic chair. Cruroar spots a bat flapping down the tunnel!

Cruroar: Damn bats!
Normilan: Blah! Is it just one bat?
DM: Yes.
Cruroar: Is it just a normal bat?
DM: Looks like a normal bat. Normilan doesn’t see it, but then again, Normilan rolled crappy.
Normilan: A 13’s not crap! Thank you, asshole!

Cruroar tries to make some rolls, while Normilan declares this to be Dracula. Cruroar fumes.

Cruroar: Fuck it, I’m shooting it!
DM: Cruroar, in a fit of paranoia, shoots at the bat!
Cruroar: Somehow I feel like this is not gonna do well for our group, but… I’m not dealing well with this bat. You know what, no, no, no. I’m gonna hold off. “Back away, bat!”
DM: The bat continues to fly closer to you…

Brunt does what Cruroar didn’t and lops at it with his weapon, striking it!

DM: It immediately turns and begins flying the other direction!
Brunt: That’s no bat!
Normilan: Yeah, I don’t think that’s a regular back!
Cruroar: ….what?
Brunt: I did enough damage to take a normal person’s head off, and it’s like, ‘eh, I’ll leave.’
Normilan: Magic Missile!

Cruroar is up next, though; his eldritch blast strikes it and knocks it out! It’s a quasit; the DM attempts to claim that was going to become Cruroar’s familiar, to his irritation. He blasts it till it stops fast-healing. And then some. The DM finally calls for the secondary saving throws for the poison damage, which Giles fails; he takes 4 more points of Strength damage.

Cruroar: How much Strength do you have left?
Giles: I am at 4 Strength.
Normilan: Ohhhh.
Cruroar: I’m stronger than someone in the party!
Giles: “I really need someone to heal this poison!”
Normilan: So, uh, encumberance rules, right…?

They search not just the gems, but the bodies as well. Tasha finds several stone axes lying by the bodies, then sweeps the gems into her backpack. Nothing happens.

Normilan: Oh, thank god you’re not an asshole this game.
DM: What were you expecting?
Normilan: I was expecting a goddamn mimic!
Cruroar: Every time we ran into a piece of furniture it would attack us! I’m surprise we hadn’t got so paranoid that we started destroying it…
DM: You fought TWO mimics. EVER.
Normilan: In one campaign, and look what it’s done to us.

They blockade the entrance to the table room with stone chairs, desperate to rest and heal even as they predict that the ceiling is in fact a Colossal spider. Too battered to do more for now, they call it a night.