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I've had this one done for a while now, but time just hasn't allowed me to post it.
Aliarra: And the recording began just after the DM admits that he fucked up last time.
DM: Why did you put that in there, Aliarra, why?
Seven months have passed since the last time we played this game, and the DM has completely lost the dungeon map. The players root through the piles in the game room, discover a family crest of ‘sword, money, and boobs’, and try to figure out who it belongs to. The PCs level to six. Drusila takes a feat that lets her use a whip like a grappling hook.
Aiden: Every room we go in, “Is there a grappling areas I can whip upon?”
Aliarra: It could be worse, it could be, every room we go in, “I wanna turn invisible and sneak up on him.”
Aiden: And fail.
A long pause.
Drusila: OH! I remember!
Aliarra insists on talking with her mouth full, then demanding the DM answer whatever she said. Aiden attempts to kick her out of the house. Drusila discovers the loot list from the previous adventure.
Drusila: Tricorner hat… oh, that was the hat of disguise, when Drusila pitched her crappy disguise kit.
Aliarra: You didn’t need to say that was a hat of disguise, we already knew. Tricorner hat, my ass.
The game continues to dawdle its way forward. Aliarra vows to trip everything; Aiden vows that they will only face oozes and ghosts henceforth. Someone tosses a chip back on the microphone. AGH MY EARS.
Drusila: What’s the feat for two-weapon fighting these days?
Aliarra: Two-Weapon Fighting.
While the game dawdles its way forward, the group turns back to mocking Drusila.
Aliarra: Rikky goes invisible to sneak up on the Lord of Ghoere, but unfortunately is tripped over by Iglar, who’s smashing into another guy’s room with a keg.
Drusila: I take it as ‘smashing into the Lord of Ghoere’s room with a keg.”
Aiden: You need to post one of your Livejournal episodes: Player 5’s maaaaany mistakes.
Drusila: Made one mistake really.
Aiden: One!? No, no no. “I’m gonna burst in his door with a keg of beer!”
Drusila: Oh that one, yeah.
Aiden: “That guy told me to sneak in using my lady skills and thus far it has gotten me here. Should I continue, or use the invisibility cloak? Invisibility cloak.”
Aliarra: What’d be great is if I could just, like.. “Really Stupid Moves By the Players” and then I could just compile it into an mp3 and put Yackety Sax beneath it.
Drusila: In my defense, when Lorrithrik sensed there were many people in the room, she thought that somebody was going to come out of the room, so she turned invisible.
Aliarra: In your defense you’d been jonesing to cast invisibility since the adventure started.
Drusila: …shut up. …was that in my defense, really?
Aliarra: No.
The DM begins with a recap: last time, they had tripped the archaeologist out of his eeevil boots. Drusila ties him up but rolls poorly.
Drusila: 13 to tie him up with Use Rope.
Aliarra: Why did you tie him up with a butterfly knot?
Aiden: Right near his hands…
Aliarra: Why did you put a sign on it that said “Pull here to undo?”
The conversation abruptly veers to… dinosaurs?
Drusila: That was just bad timing! Because Aliarra and I had been arguing about druids and crap and like which the most powerful class…which is something I should NEVER have engaged in to begin with... but then she HAD to have a Triceratops Shuffle…
Aliarra: It wasn’t a triceratops! It was a swindlespitter!
Drusila: You were working your way up to a triceratops, I know you…
Aliarra: Yes, at a level appropriate to have a triceratops!
Aiden: Are we having this argument again?
Aliarra: Apparently.
Drusila: Yes!
Aiden attempts to make all male players with female characters wear a sign on their chest that says TITS. Mrrshala writes a sign and passes it over; Aliarra obligingly dons it.
Drusila: Drusila takes a look around, and then seeing there’s no more danger, she takes out her flask of whiskey and sprinkles some on his face.
DM: You now have a bound unconscious archaeologist who smells of whiskey.
Hanzo: What are you doing.
Aiden: Why did you just sprinkle whiskey…
Drusila: Now everyone will think he’s a drunk!
Aiden: Who are we trying to fool? I don’t understand –
Aliarra: I can just see how this is going to go. The town council of elders bursts in. Thank god we got him drunk, he’s telling them stories about how we attacked him, they’re like “yeah, whatever, rummy.”
Aiden rants about healing, Heal checks, and properly treating the guy’s injuries. Drusila rolls her eyes.
Drusila: Well why don’t you work your ‘healing aura’…
Aliarra: You’ve got a lot of nerve mocking the priest’s healing aura when you’ve been on the receiving end of that a number of times.,
Drusila: …That’s true. “I’m sorry, whatever your name is.”
Aliarra sets people to searching the room. Drusila looks at the dice in front of her, then reaches for a nearby one.
Drusila: I need a better d20.
Mrrshala: (noting which one she picked up) White Betrayer.
Drusila ignores this, rolls, then gasps in horror.
Drusila: No!
Aiden: You fall on your face.
Drusila: That was a test, that was only a test!
Aiden plans to play Good Cop Bad Cop on the archaeologist. Drusila and Hanzo find some horribly boring books, but also some scrolls! Drusila also finds a secret door, and elects to search for traps.
Drusila: Okay, Betrayer.
Aliarra: Stop rolling it! You moron!
Drusila: God damn it.
DM: Did you roll a 1?
Drusila: 15, I rolled a 3.
DM: There are no traps.
Aiden: There are no traps on that wall. Spikes shoot up where you’re standing. “God damn it! Drusila!”
Aliarra: That is not a die for you to use. That is a die for you to slip the DM when he’s not paying attention.
Aliarra eats Whoppers found on the floor. Aiden wakes their victim up with smelling salts. The DM inadvertently uses the wrong NPC voice for the archaeologist and hurriedly switches. The NPC relates how he found the boots and decided to put them on, then remembered no more. Drusila whips the boots off the ceiling; they change shape into ordinary leather boots.
Drusila: How high are the heels?
DM: There are no heels.
Drusila: …here, Aliarra.
Aiden: I get the archaeologist to his feet. We’re gonna keep ‘em tied for a little while longer.
Aliarra: I stuff ‘em in my backpack.
Aiden: You shouldn’t stuff a person in your backpack—
Aliarra: Not the archaeologist! I said them! THEM! I stuff THEM in my backpack!
DM: You mean the boots AND the archaeologist?
Aliarra: No! I meant my boobs! (mimes wrestling breasts over her shoulders and into a backpack)
Drusila: I knew those couldn’t be real!
Aliarra: Oh no, they’re real. They’re just very long. I have a feat! They’re reach weapons! (demonstrates how this works)
Drusila: Aaaaah, removes glasses, closes eyes! (doing just that) Can’t get image out!
Aliarra: (swipes the glasses)
Mrrshala: You ass.
Drusila: GIVE THEM BACK.
DM: Wow, he instantly got angry. He went from zero to angry in no time flat.
Aliarra: I hurt myself laughing.
Mrrshala: I’ll just hurt you.
Aliarra: Ow, stop kicking!
Aiden: You shouldn’t have been foolish enough to take off your glasses.
Drusila: Forgive me for letting my guard down foolishly.
Drusila frees the archaeologist. The archaeologist wonders where his team is.
Aliarra: There’s no possible answer we could give you that wouldn’t be awkward.
Drusila: Wait… they were ghosts?
DM: “Well, they weren’t ghosts when we came in…”
The cookie-rejecting undead weren’t the team, though. The group heads into the secret room, which has a bed with a rotten skeleton on it.
Aliarra: I poke the bed with a weapon.
Drusila: Let me Search it professionally.
Aliarra: Whoa, whoa, this is just a standard monster check. You can search it professionally after we establish that nothing will eat your face.
Aiden: Roll for damage, sir? You’ve killed a baby.
Aliarra: WHY was this mattress made of babies!
The bed and the skeleton are not evil, or all mimics, according to Aliarra. They find an old journal.
Aliarra: “Hold it, hold it, hold it, we need to check and make sure it’s not going to be damaged by us reading it.”
Drusila: “Here, we have a professional archaeologist with us!”
Aliarra: ”…that’s true! That’s a very good point actually!”
DM: “Where did this room come from? Oh, I guess it’s always been here actually…”
Aliarra: Yeah, the DM just forgot to draw the door last time.
DM: It-it-it’s-it—duh duh duh duh.
The archaeologist starts checking the journal. After inevitable Indiana Jones references, he determines that the journal is incredibly well-preserved. The group calls for a read-through.
Aliarra: “Dear diary…”
Aiden: “I was murdering babies today. I had a good time.”
Aliarra: “Leila looked at me today. She’s so pretty.” …it goes ON like this!
The book was written by Endrach Sulramook or something like that, whose name I only record to preserve for the future. He belonged to an order than worshipped Kalroth; as head of the order he gathered the parts and secured them.
Drusila: Does it have any clues as to where the parts are?
Aliarra: “As to the location of parts, I dare not speak…” Fffffffffffffffff— Or worse yet, “The location of these parts was SO obvious I need not mention it here…”
They read of the creation of the rune golems, including the ‘failed’ one they found in the dungeon earlier. But the book has clues as to the locations!
DM: “His heart we sent to the frozen north. It seemed a fitting contrast to the warmth and love it had for its creations.”
Aiden: We have the heart—
Aliarra: No we don’t.
Aiden: I thought we did! What do we have, just the gloves? Oh they STOLE the heart from us!
DM: “His arms we took to the fjords of Issula, the bluffs seemed worthy of its sanctuary. His lord’s head had to be moved with care and caution; its visage enthralled many of our order. A subsect of the order had to be created to take charge. Last I heard they set up a small community and keep the artifact in a cave.”
Aliarra: Wait a minute, subsect? All right, it’s knowledge(religion) time!
Aiden: I have that roll too!
Aliarra: Oh yeah? 26!
Aiden: 23.
Hanzo: Subsex? Is that like rubbing up against it but not actually coming?
Aliarra: Ha ha! Subsects!
Aiden: What kind of sex did you have, subsex?
Aliarra: Ow! Ow! Six inch or footlong?
Mrrshala: FLATBREAD!
Drusila: Knowledge(local) 19? “Near my bakery there’s a cave.”
DM: Underneath her bakery there’s a cave!
Drusila: “Some of my customers say they belong to a subsect…”
Aliarra: “But mostly I use it for cheese.”
DM: (outrageous accent) “Thank you Drusila. I’m going back to guard the head now.”
Aliarra: “I always thought they meant the head of cheese, but!” All right, what’s next?
DM: “The body of Kalroth was the most inert of all the artifacts. Thought it’s of superior craftsmanship, it doesn’t have the pull that others do. We decided to hide it in plain sight, and present the artifact as a gift to a royal family to be passed down through the generations. Kalroth’s sight manifested in a peculiar item. We took it to southern Issula where we found a crevasse with a large cave system for its home. The other storm golem went with it.”
Aliarra: “Seems that’s our most likely next target.”
DM: “The knowledge of Kalroth was given to one we trusted wholly. He and his people loved Kaloth as much as we did; it also helps that the majority of his people keep to themselves and rarely venture far from their homelands.”
Drusila: Dwarves.
Aliarra: Sounds like another Knowledge(religion) check! What people venerated Kalroth highly yet are insular? 23!
DM: You recall some of the elves—
Aliarra: ELVES! Elf! Elf!
Aiden: I have a feeling I’m gonna be related to these douchebags.
Aliarra: That’d be great!
DM: The elves are known to rarely leave Verdant Isles. “Lastly, our lord’s legs we kept here at my request. They are a reminder of the many steps, literally and figuratively, taken to ensure the safety of this world. The thought of these walls serving the Dark One’s whim sends chills through me.”
The book dissolves into drabble save for a final entry that speaks of measures the writer does not entirely approve of. The group heads back to town, meeting up with their minotaur companion Ignir.
DM: Apparently he has caught some striped horse and is now cooking it.
Drusila: Striped horse? A zebra?
DM: You don’t know what a zebra is!
The group packs up and heads back to town.
Aliarra: Arriving just as the sun goes down?
Hanzo: What a horrible night to have a curse.
Aliarra: Shit! Bats!
Aiden: All the townspeople go indoors and zombies appear, what the hell?
Aliarra: What the hell is a graveyard duck?!
In fact the sun begins to set halfway through the journey. The group elects to soldier on in the darkness, thanks to everburning torches and healthy paranoia.
Aliarra: Gods appear. “How DARE you walk at night?”
DM: “You’re supposed to be in BED!”
Mrrshala: “But I’m not tiiiiiiired!”
DM: Your journey is uneventful.
Hanzo: Ha ha!
Aliarra: If we’d been in camp we would’ve been attacked by zebras out to avenge their fallen comrade.
Aiden: We find out later: “Oh man, if only someone had been camping nearby, I would’ve given them 20,000 gold!”
Aliarra: And an airship for no apparent reason.
Stumbling into town at 2 in the morning, the group seeks lodging. They bypass the Pussy Tail, contemplate the Cat’s Meow, but end up in the Feline’s Grace.
Aliarra: Somebody who has – hey, I have a 16 Charisma, somebody who has a higher Charisma get us rooms.
Mrrshala: Me? 17?
Aliarra: Yeah, one of you Banglasharan folks negotiate us some – NOT AIDEN. NOT AIDEN! NOT AIDEN!
Aiden: “Who’s going to ask for a room? Wait, where did Aiden go? Ohhhh nooooooo.”
As they enter, all noise stops and they get stares. It is possibly because of Ignir the minotaur. Diplomacy and money persuade the innkeeper to let Ignir stay. Aiden attempts to ask for ‘special entertainment.’
Aiden: 25.
Drusila: You hire a balloon clown.
Aiden: I just want to see what she interprets it as and what I end up with.
DM: “There’s old One-Eyed Angbert here who’ll dance you a jig if you want.”
Aiden: “That sounds kind of interesting, let’s see what kind of jig he’s got. “
DM: (ludicrously grizzled voice) “I’ll do it for a gold piece!”
Aiden: I flip him one. Does he bite into it?
Aliarra: “Arr, a gold piece, he’ll be dancin’ for hours.”
DM: Aaand he has a poor roll. “The ol’ gray mare she ain’t what she used to be, ain’t what she used to be.”
Hanzo: You paid money for this.
Aliarra: A 29 to Intimidate him into dancing better.
DM: (much faster) “Ain’t what she used to be ain’t what she used to be!”
Aiden: That wasn’t the entertainment I was looking for, but it was entertaining.
They finally get rooms. Drusila gets booze, paying a gold for a bottle of whiskey.
Aliarra: That was one-twenty-fifth of a cure light wounds potion, you fool!
Drusila: And so much better.
Aliarra: You won’t say that when you’re down to -3!
Drusila: Drusila has a drink and bunks up from the night… um..
Aliarra: With Ignir, apparently.
Drusila: No, what, huh? No!
Aliarra: We only got three keys, dude.
Drusila: …no, that’s fine.
The group sleeps. Aiden is not in jail when they wake, so Aliarra calls for a doppelganger check. The group starts selling off their trash d rops, a process which takes some time. Drusila sadly gets a call to go home emergently. Aiden attempts to Gather Intelligence for a pimp, but finds the male-only Turkish baths instead. An argument erupts over the proper way to throw symbols for rock-paper-scissors. Gold is finally distributed. Aiden starts playing a phone game directly next to the microphone, but is immediately called out on this by the game reporter. About fifteen minutes of Transformers discussion occurs. Drusila is handwaved into exhausted silence for the remainder of the session. The group reassembles to report their progress to the Magister, to find Carrick has made it there himself. The group reascertains which side he’s on at the moment, recall it’s ‘theirs’, and are pleased.
Aliarra: “Carrick, we have much to tell you… check out this kickin’ book we found!”
Aiden: “My journal!”
Aliarra: “I mean, some guy’s journal!”
DM: Carrick’s one of those rebellious wizards. “Oh boy, a dusty old book.”
Aliarra: “It’s not dusty, it’s remarkably well-preserved.”
Mrrshala: That’s what SHE said.
Aliarra: Dust of Dryness?! The sweet berry wine evaporates!
The group discusses their plans. Carrick tells them he’ll transport them wherever they wish to go. The consensus is to focus on the crevasse. After exchanging pleasantries with the Magister, they return to the mage tower by teleport.
DM: You appear in a small circular room.
Aliarra: Are we in jail?
DM: “We got ‘em working again, guys!”
Hanzo: A table full of guild members wondering what the hell we just appeared for?
DM: “Not again.”
Aiden: (falsetto) “That’s the guy! That’s the father of my baby!”
Aliarra: We teleport straight into a police lineup.
Hanzo: “Step forward. Say the line.” “I hear you’re looking for Candyman, bitch.”
Aliarra: “I’d like to point out I’m a girl!” “Just say the line.”
The group starts stocking up for the adventure. Aiden becomes oddly obsessed with finding some sort of flashbomb which when thrown down creates a blinding burst of light.
Aliarra: I still have my donkey, so we can put water and rations on him, so let’s get plenty of that.
Aiden: She says that and we’re standing there, we’re like, “All right, we need some food? I have a donkey here, we can—“ She turns around, the donkey’s like slaughtered, cut, meat’s ready to eat. “I meant we were gonna use it to carry the food.” “Oh… oh.” You say that, “We’re gonna use it to carry the food,” behind you we’re like, “Oh… oh no. Don’t – don’t turn around, don’t turn around, oh…”
Aliarra: “Ohhh.” It’s like one of those weeping Indians. I see the visage before me, the donkey’s head rolls up to my feet. Pan up my body… (describing the motion of a tear down her cheek)
Aliarra explains how her armor has an armor crystal, but the armor spikes have a weapon crystal. This earns her some dirty looks. Finally supplied, the group returns to Carrick, who had a lead on a crevasse for them. After Aliarra hee-haws one too many times to indicate her donkey’s displeasure with teleporting, Aiden tries to convince the DM to have a convenient teleport error turn the donkey inside out. The group appears in a forest clearing and Carrick tells them unceremoniously to head west. The forest thins out as they travel to a bleak, lifeless wasteland. After a day of travel they spy buzzards circling, and investigate to find a wounded bugbear. Aiden treats his wounds, then Hanzo translates for an interrogation. The bugbear tells a woeful tail of how his town was destroyed.
Aliarra: “What attacked?”
Hanzo: (mutters and grumbles to simulate translating into goblin)
Aliarra: Shurglar my nurglar?
DM: Shurglar my nurglar!
Hanzo: Tarrasque.
Aliarra: “Uh oh!”
Aiden: “Tarrasque, well, look at the time--!”
Aliarra: “I think we’ve got a, uh, uh, a crevasse to find!”
Aiden: “The tarrasque as in a crevasse.” “Well, that part is lost.”
The bugbear explains its people were attacked from below by a burrowing creature. The PCs try to figure it out.
Hanzo: “Are these… a people, or are they just beasts?”
DM: “Beasts.”
Aliarra: “They are but men. ROCK!”
Everyone: (singing the wordless part of that song)
Aiden: I heal him for 11 hit points.
Hanzo: I don’t think he cares.
Aiden: I can’t leave a creature to die.
Aliarra: Perhaps your kindness will… change his alignment or something, I don’t know. LIKELY!
Hanzo: I, on the other hand coup de gras!
A brief philosophical debate erupts. The group debates what is the right course of action: attempt to help the bugbear town, or continue on their path immediately. Aliarra and Aiden, who actually have some hints of morality, vote to investigate the town.
Aliarra: “I’ll take the point. Aiden, you take the rear. Mrrshala take the left side. Ignir take the right. Hanzo, you stay in the center and look out in all directions.”
Aiden: He just starts spinning around.
Aliarra: “Drusila, sleep it off.”
DM: (imitating Drusila’s player) “I can do that.”
Hanzo: How do you trip a worm anyway?
Aliarra: (growling through clenched teeth) I’ll find out.
The group travels till nightfall, then sets up camp.
Aliarra: “Aiden, you take first watch. I’ll take second. Mrr, you take third. Hanzo, you take fourth. Drusila, sleep it off.”
Aiden rolls a Listen check for his watch, then Aliarra. Aliarra explains her donkey is named Hote. Donkey Hote. Mrrshalla yells at her. An umber hulk bursts forth from the ground to attack her and her failed Listen check. She takes 18 damage and initiative is rolled. Hanzo backstabs the thing, but due to a misinterpretation of poisoning rules, accidentally expends doses of incredibly expensive poison to no effect, then 11 points of Con damage. Mrrshala throws down Sapphire Nightmare Blade. Aliarra attempts to trip it while Aiden clocks it with a mace. Despite rolling a 23, the roll ties the umber hulk’s. No one can remember if this is a success or a failure for some time. The umber hulk attempts to countertrip but fails miserably. Aliarra attempts to trip again and rolls 25, but fails yet again.
Aiden: I don’t know why she thinks she’s gonna be able to trip this guy.
DM: If I roll low enough she can.
Aliarra: Look, it’s got a +9, I’ve got a +8, it’s a one point difference between our Strength modifiers.
Aiden: Right, but then he has +4.
Aliarra: No, he has +9 total. That’s including that +4!
DM: The beast continues standing.
Aliarra: All righty then, if he’s gonna play it that way, I White Raven Tactics myself to reduce my initiative to 13…
DM: Are you gonna try to trip him again?
Aliarra: Yeah!
Aiden: Why don’t you do damage?! You could have almost killed him by now maybe!
Aliarra: That’s not true.
Aiden: Yeah, you coulda done damage, I don’t know why you’re continuing to waste your attacks on these trips!
Aliarra: Oh yeah, let’s find out! Where’s that red die that’s been good to me so far – d’oh, 18.
Aiden: Yeah, you’re gonna do 20 damage and he’s dead. “Oh, we coulda killed him five turns ago.”
DM: You hit him by one point.
Aliarra rolls the follow-up attack for 11 points. Aiden complains she could’ve done 33 points of damage by now. Aliarra smacks him with her second attack for another 11. Aiden complains even more. The umber hulk attempts to confuse Aliarra, who passes the save easily. The DM curses. Ignir steps forward to join the fray for 22 points of spear damage.
Aiden: I’m keeping track of his damage. If he dies at anything less than 50 hit points I’ll kill you for wasting time.
The party continues to pile on, pummeling the creature viciously till it dies. Declaring victory, the party continues on, passes a night. The group cheerfully mocks many of Aiden’s verbal missteps over the course of gaming. A Whopper-throwing fight erupts. The group finds the bugbear village, but no survivors or further enemies. After some searching and investigating, they decided there is little they can do here, and return to their main quest.
Aliarra: All right guys, let’s put this in the journal as a quest we need to come back to. Thank you, auto-updating journal.
Aiden: Let’s go to “Journal”, then “Primary Quest Chain”…
Hanzo: Do you want to fast-travel?
Aiden: There it is, follow the arrow on the map.
Aliarra: You must gather your party before venturing forth.
Aiden: God d—
Aliarra: You must gather your party before venturing forth. You must gather your party before venturing forth.
The session is derailed by Aliarra shoving a root beer bottle alarmingly deep into her mouth, rendering the rest of the group catatonic from horrified laughter. And there the game ends.
Aliarra: And the recording began just after the DM admits that he fucked up last time.
DM: Why did you put that in there, Aliarra, why?
Seven months have passed since the last time we played this game, and the DM has completely lost the dungeon map. The players root through the piles in the game room, discover a family crest of ‘sword, money, and boobs’, and try to figure out who it belongs to. The PCs level to six. Drusila takes a feat that lets her use a whip like a grappling hook.
Aiden: Every room we go in, “Is there a grappling areas I can whip upon?”
Aliarra: It could be worse, it could be, every room we go in, “I wanna turn invisible and sneak up on him.”
Aiden: And fail.
A long pause.
Drusila: OH! I remember!
Aliarra insists on talking with her mouth full, then demanding the DM answer whatever she said. Aiden attempts to kick her out of the house. Drusila discovers the loot list from the previous adventure.
Drusila: Tricorner hat… oh, that was the hat of disguise, when Drusila pitched her crappy disguise kit.
Aliarra: You didn’t need to say that was a hat of disguise, we already knew. Tricorner hat, my ass.
The game continues to dawdle its way forward. Aliarra vows to trip everything; Aiden vows that they will only face oozes and ghosts henceforth. Someone tosses a chip back on the microphone. AGH MY EARS.
Drusila: What’s the feat for two-weapon fighting these days?
Aliarra: Two-Weapon Fighting.
While the game dawdles its way forward, the group turns back to mocking Drusila.
Aliarra: Rikky goes invisible to sneak up on the Lord of Ghoere, but unfortunately is tripped over by Iglar, who’s smashing into another guy’s room with a keg.
Drusila: I take it as ‘smashing into the Lord of Ghoere’s room with a keg.”
Aiden: You need to post one of your Livejournal episodes: Player 5’s maaaaany mistakes.
Drusila: Made one mistake really.
Aiden: One!? No, no no. “I’m gonna burst in his door with a keg of beer!”
Drusila: Oh that one, yeah.
Aiden: “That guy told me to sneak in using my lady skills and thus far it has gotten me here. Should I continue, or use the invisibility cloak? Invisibility cloak.”
Aliarra: What’d be great is if I could just, like.. “Really Stupid Moves By the Players” and then I could just compile it into an mp3 and put Yackety Sax beneath it.
Drusila: In my defense, when Lorrithrik sensed there were many people in the room, she thought that somebody was going to come out of the room, so she turned invisible.
Aliarra: In your defense you’d been jonesing to cast invisibility since the adventure started.
Drusila: …shut up. …was that in my defense, really?
Aliarra: No.
The DM begins with a recap: last time, they had tripped the archaeologist out of his eeevil boots. Drusila ties him up but rolls poorly.
Drusila: 13 to tie him up with Use Rope.
Aliarra: Why did you tie him up with a butterfly knot?
Aiden: Right near his hands…
Aliarra: Why did you put a sign on it that said “Pull here to undo?”
The conversation abruptly veers to… dinosaurs?
Drusila: That was just bad timing! Because Aliarra and I had been arguing about druids and crap and like which the most powerful class…which is something I should NEVER have engaged in to begin with... but then she HAD to have a Triceratops Shuffle…
Aliarra: It wasn’t a triceratops! It was a swindlespitter!
Drusila: You were working your way up to a triceratops, I know you…
Aliarra: Yes, at a level appropriate to have a triceratops!
Aiden: Are we having this argument again?
Aliarra: Apparently.
Drusila: Yes!
Aiden attempts to make all male players with female characters wear a sign on their chest that says TITS. Mrrshala writes a sign and passes it over; Aliarra obligingly dons it.
Drusila: Drusila takes a look around, and then seeing there’s no more danger, she takes out her flask of whiskey and sprinkles some on his face.
DM: You now have a bound unconscious archaeologist who smells of whiskey.
Hanzo: What are you doing.
Aiden: Why did you just sprinkle whiskey…
Drusila: Now everyone will think he’s a drunk!
Aiden: Who are we trying to fool? I don’t understand –
Aliarra: I can just see how this is going to go. The town council of elders bursts in. Thank god we got him drunk, he’s telling them stories about how we attacked him, they’re like “yeah, whatever, rummy.”
Aiden rants about healing, Heal checks, and properly treating the guy’s injuries. Drusila rolls her eyes.
Drusila: Well why don’t you work your ‘healing aura’…
Aliarra: You’ve got a lot of nerve mocking the priest’s healing aura when you’ve been on the receiving end of that a number of times.,
Drusila: …That’s true. “I’m sorry, whatever your name is.”
Aliarra sets people to searching the room. Drusila looks at the dice in front of her, then reaches for a nearby one.
Drusila: I need a better d20.
Mrrshala: (noting which one she picked up) White Betrayer.
Drusila ignores this, rolls, then gasps in horror.
Drusila: No!
Aiden: You fall on your face.
Drusila: That was a test, that was only a test!
Aiden plans to play Good Cop Bad Cop on the archaeologist. Drusila and Hanzo find some horribly boring books, but also some scrolls! Drusila also finds a secret door, and elects to search for traps.
Drusila: Okay, Betrayer.
Aliarra: Stop rolling it! You moron!
Drusila: God damn it.
DM: Did you roll a 1?
Drusila: 15, I rolled a 3.
DM: There are no traps.
Aiden: There are no traps on that wall. Spikes shoot up where you’re standing. “God damn it! Drusila!”
Aliarra: That is not a die for you to use. That is a die for you to slip the DM when he’s not paying attention.
Aliarra eats Whoppers found on the floor. Aiden wakes their victim up with smelling salts. The DM inadvertently uses the wrong NPC voice for the archaeologist and hurriedly switches. The NPC relates how he found the boots and decided to put them on, then remembered no more. Drusila whips the boots off the ceiling; they change shape into ordinary leather boots.
Drusila: How high are the heels?
DM: There are no heels.
Drusila: …here, Aliarra.
Aiden: I get the archaeologist to his feet. We’re gonna keep ‘em tied for a little while longer.
Aliarra: I stuff ‘em in my backpack.
Aiden: You shouldn’t stuff a person in your backpack—
Aliarra: Not the archaeologist! I said them! THEM! I stuff THEM in my backpack!
DM: You mean the boots AND the archaeologist?
Aliarra: No! I meant my boobs! (mimes wrestling breasts over her shoulders and into a backpack)
Drusila: I knew those couldn’t be real!
Aliarra: Oh no, they’re real. They’re just very long. I have a feat! They’re reach weapons! (demonstrates how this works)
Drusila: Aaaaah, removes glasses, closes eyes! (doing just that) Can’t get image out!
Aliarra: (swipes the glasses)
Mrrshala: You ass.
Drusila: GIVE THEM BACK.
DM: Wow, he instantly got angry. He went from zero to angry in no time flat.
Aliarra: I hurt myself laughing.
Mrrshala: I’ll just hurt you.
Aliarra: Ow, stop kicking!
Aiden: You shouldn’t have been foolish enough to take off your glasses.
Drusila: Forgive me for letting my guard down foolishly.
Drusila frees the archaeologist. The archaeologist wonders where his team is.
Aliarra: There’s no possible answer we could give you that wouldn’t be awkward.
Drusila: Wait… they were ghosts?
DM: “Well, they weren’t ghosts when we came in…”
The cookie-rejecting undead weren’t the team, though. The group heads into the secret room, which has a bed with a rotten skeleton on it.
Aliarra: I poke the bed with a weapon.
Drusila: Let me Search it professionally.
Aliarra: Whoa, whoa, this is just a standard monster check. You can search it professionally after we establish that nothing will eat your face.
Aiden: Roll for damage, sir? You’ve killed a baby.
Aliarra: WHY was this mattress made of babies!
The bed and the skeleton are not evil, or all mimics, according to Aliarra. They find an old journal.
Aliarra: “Hold it, hold it, hold it, we need to check and make sure it’s not going to be damaged by us reading it.”
Drusila: “Here, we have a professional archaeologist with us!”
Aliarra: ”…that’s true! That’s a very good point actually!”
DM: “Where did this room come from? Oh, I guess it’s always been here actually…”
Aliarra: Yeah, the DM just forgot to draw the door last time.
DM: It-it-it’s-it—duh duh duh duh.
The archaeologist starts checking the journal. After inevitable Indiana Jones references, he determines that the journal is incredibly well-preserved. The group calls for a read-through.
Aliarra: “Dear diary…”
Aiden: “I was murdering babies today. I had a good time.”
Aliarra: “Leila looked at me today. She’s so pretty.” …it goes ON like this!
The book was written by Endrach Sulramook or something like that, whose name I only record to preserve for the future. He belonged to an order than worshipped Kalroth; as head of the order he gathered the parts and secured them.
Drusila: Does it have any clues as to where the parts are?
Aliarra: “As to the location of parts, I dare not speak…” Fffffffffffffffff— Or worse yet, “The location of these parts was SO obvious I need not mention it here…”
They read of the creation of the rune golems, including the ‘failed’ one they found in the dungeon earlier. But the book has clues as to the locations!
DM: “His heart we sent to the frozen north. It seemed a fitting contrast to the warmth and love it had for its creations.”
Aiden: We have the heart—
Aliarra: No we don’t.
Aiden: I thought we did! What do we have, just the gloves? Oh they STOLE the heart from us!
DM: “His arms we took to the fjords of Issula, the bluffs seemed worthy of its sanctuary. His lord’s head had to be moved with care and caution; its visage enthralled many of our order. A subsect of the order had to be created to take charge. Last I heard they set up a small community and keep the artifact in a cave.”
Aliarra: Wait a minute, subsect? All right, it’s knowledge(religion) time!
Aiden: I have that roll too!
Aliarra: Oh yeah? 26!
Aiden: 23.
Hanzo: Subsex? Is that like rubbing up against it but not actually coming?
Aliarra: Ha ha! Subsects!
Aiden: What kind of sex did you have, subsex?
Aliarra: Ow! Ow! Six inch or footlong?
Mrrshala: FLATBREAD!
Drusila: Knowledge(local) 19? “Near my bakery there’s a cave.”
DM: Underneath her bakery there’s a cave!
Drusila: “Some of my customers say they belong to a subsect…”
Aliarra: “But mostly I use it for cheese.”
DM: (outrageous accent) “Thank you Drusila. I’m going back to guard the head now.”
Aliarra: “I always thought they meant the head of cheese, but!” All right, what’s next?
DM: “The body of Kalroth was the most inert of all the artifacts. Thought it’s of superior craftsmanship, it doesn’t have the pull that others do. We decided to hide it in plain sight, and present the artifact as a gift to a royal family to be passed down through the generations. Kalroth’s sight manifested in a peculiar item. We took it to southern Issula where we found a crevasse with a large cave system for its home. The other storm golem went with it.”
Aliarra: “Seems that’s our most likely next target.”
DM: “The knowledge of Kalroth was given to one we trusted wholly. He and his people loved Kaloth as much as we did; it also helps that the majority of his people keep to themselves and rarely venture far from their homelands.”
Drusila: Dwarves.
Aliarra: Sounds like another Knowledge(religion) check! What people venerated Kalroth highly yet are insular? 23!
DM: You recall some of the elves—
Aliarra: ELVES! Elf! Elf!
Aiden: I have a feeling I’m gonna be related to these douchebags.
Aliarra: That’d be great!
DM: The elves are known to rarely leave Verdant Isles. “Lastly, our lord’s legs we kept here at my request. They are a reminder of the many steps, literally and figuratively, taken to ensure the safety of this world. The thought of these walls serving the Dark One’s whim sends chills through me.”
The book dissolves into drabble save for a final entry that speaks of measures the writer does not entirely approve of. The group heads back to town, meeting up with their minotaur companion Ignir.
DM: Apparently he has caught some striped horse and is now cooking it.
Drusila: Striped horse? A zebra?
DM: You don’t know what a zebra is!
The group packs up and heads back to town.
Aliarra: Arriving just as the sun goes down?
Hanzo: What a horrible night to have a curse.
Aliarra: Shit! Bats!
Aiden: All the townspeople go indoors and zombies appear, what the hell?
Aliarra: What the hell is a graveyard duck?!
In fact the sun begins to set halfway through the journey. The group elects to soldier on in the darkness, thanks to everburning torches and healthy paranoia.
Aliarra: Gods appear. “How DARE you walk at night?”
DM: “You’re supposed to be in BED!”
Mrrshala: “But I’m not tiiiiiiired!”
DM: Your journey is uneventful.
Hanzo: Ha ha!
Aliarra: If we’d been in camp we would’ve been attacked by zebras out to avenge their fallen comrade.
Aiden: We find out later: “Oh man, if only someone had been camping nearby, I would’ve given them 20,000 gold!”
Aliarra: And an airship for no apparent reason.
Stumbling into town at 2 in the morning, the group seeks lodging. They bypass the Pussy Tail, contemplate the Cat’s Meow, but end up in the Feline’s Grace.
Aliarra: Somebody who has – hey, I have a 16 Charisma, somebody who has a higher Charisma get us rooms.
Mrrshala: Me? 17?
Aliarra: Yeah, one of you Banglasharan folks negotiate us some – NOT AIDEN. NOT AIDEN! NOT AIDEN!
Aiden: “Who’s going to ask for a room? Wait, where did Aiden go? Ohhhh nooooooo.”
As they enter, all noise stops and they get stares. It is possibly because of Ignir the minotaur. Diplomacy and money persuade the innkeeper to let Ignir stay. Aiden attempts to ask for ‘special entertainment.’
Aiden: 25.
Drusila: You hire a balloon clown.
Aiden: I just want to see what she interprets it as and what I end up with.
DM: “There’s old One-Eyed Angbert here who’ll dance you a jig if you want.”
Aiden: “That sounds kind of interesting, let’s see what kind of jig he’s got. “
DM: (ludicrously grizzled voice) “I’ll do it for a gold piece!”
Aiden: I flip him one. Does he bite into it?
Aliarra: “Arr, a gold piece, he’ll be dancin’ for hours.”
DM: Aaand he has a poor roll. “The ol’ gray mare she ain’t what she used to be, ain’t what she used to be.”
Hanzo: You paid money for this.
Aliarra: A 29 to Intimidate him into dancing better.
DM: (much faster) “Ain’t what she used to be ain’t what she used to be!”
Aiden: That wasn’t the entertainment I was looking for, but it was entertaining.
They finally get rooms. Drusila gets booze, paying a gold for a bottle of whiskey.
Aliarra: That was one-twenty-fifth of a cure light wounds potion, you fool!
Drusila: And so much better.
Aliarra: You won’t say that when you’re down to -3!
Drusila: Drusila has a drink and bunks up from the night… um..
Aliarra: With Ignir, apparently.
Drusila: No, what, huh? No!
Aliarra: We only got three keys, dude.
Drusila: …no, that’s fine.
The group sleeps. Aiden is not in jail when they wake, so Aliarra calls for a doppelganger check. The group starts selling off their trash d rops, a process which takes some time. Drusila sadly gets a call to go home emergently. Aiden attempts to Gather Intelligence for a pimp, but finds the male-only Turkish baths instead. An argument erupts over the proper way to throw symbols for rock-paper-scissors. Gold is finally distributed. Aiden starts playing a phone game directly next to the microphone, but is immediately called out on this by the game reporter. About fifteen minutes of Transformers discussion occurs. Drusila is handwaved into exhausted silence for the remainder of the session. The group reassembles to report their progress to the Magister, to find Carrick has made it there himself. The group reascertains which side he’s on at the moment, recall it’s ‘theirs’, and are pleased.
Aliarra: “Carrick, we have much to tell you… check out this kickin’ book we found!”
Aiden: “My journal!”
Aliarra: “I mean, some guy’s journal!”
DM: Carrick’s one of those rebellious wizards. “Oh boy, a dusty old book.”
Aliarra: “It’s not dusty, it’s remarkably well-preserved.”
Mrrshala: That’s what SHE said.
Aliarra: Dust of Dryness?! The sweet berry wine evaporates!
The group discusses their plans. Carrick tells them he’ll transport them wherever they wish to go. The consensus is to focus on the crevasse. After exchanging pleasantries with the Magister, they return to the mage tower by teleport.
DM: You appear in a small circular room.
Aliarra: Are we in jail?
DM: “We got ‘em working again, guys!”
Hanzo: A table full of guild members wondering what the hell we just appeared for?
DM: “Not again.”
Aiden: (falsetto) “That’s the guy! That’s the father of my baby!”
Aliarra: We teleport straight into a police lineup.
Hanzo: “Step forward. Say the line.” “I hear you’re looking for Candyman, bitch.”
Aliarra: “I’d like to point out I’m a girl!” “Just say the line.”
The group starts stocking up for the adventure. Aiden becomes oddly obsessed with finding some sort of flashbomb which when thrown down creates a blinding burst of light.
Aliarra: I still have my donkey, so we can put water and rations on him, so let’s get plenty of that.
Aiden: She says that and we’re standing there, we’re like, “All right, we need some food? I have a donkey here, we can—“ She turns around, the donkey’s like slaughtered, cut, meat’s ready to eat. “I meant we were gonna use it to carry the food.” “Oh… oh.” You say that, “We’re gonna use it to carry the food,” behind you we’re like, “Oh… oh no. Don’t – don’t turn around, don’t turn around, oh…”
Aliarra: “Ohhh.” It’s like one of those weeping Indians. I see the visage before me, the donkey’s head rolls up to my feet. Pan up my body… (describing the motion of a tear down her cheek)
Aliarra explains how her armor has an armor crystal, but the armor spikes have a weapon crystal. This earns her some dirty looks. Finally supplied, the group returns to Carrick, who had a lead on a crevasse for them. After Aliarra hee-haws one too many times to indicate her donkey’s displeasure with teleporting, Aiden tries to convince the DM to have a convenient teleport error turn the donkey inside out. The group appears in a forest clearing and Carrick tells them unceremoniously to head west. The forest thins out as they travel to a bleak, lifeless wasteland. After a day of travel they spy buzzards circling, and investigate to find a wounded bugbear. Aiden treats his wounds, then Hanzo translates for an interrogation. The bugbear tells a woeful tail of how his town was destroyed.
Aliarra: “What attacked?”
Hanzo: (mutters and grumbles to simulate translating into goblin)
Aliarra: Shurglar my nurglar?
DM: Shurglar my nurglar!
Hanzo: Tarrasque.
Aliarra: “Uh oh!”
Aiden: “Tarrasque, well, look at the time--!”
Aliarra: “I think we’ve got a, uh, uh, a crevasse to find!”
Aiden: “The tarrasque as in a crevasse.” “Well, that part is lost.”
The bugbear explains its people were attacked from below by a burrowing creature. The PCs try to figure it out.
Hanzo: “Are these… a people, or are they just beasts?”
DM: “Beasts.”
Aliarra: “They are but men. ROCK!”
Everyone: (singing the wordless part of that song)
Aiden: I heal him for 11 hit points.
Hanzo: I don’t think he cares.
Aiden: I can’t leave a creature to die.
Aliarra: Perhaps your kindness will… change his alignment or something, I don’t know. LIKELY!
Hanzo: I, on the other hand coup de gras!
A brief philosophical debate erupts. The group debates what is the right course of action: attempt to help the bugbear town, or continue on their path immediately. Aliarra and Aiden, who actually have some hints of morality, vote to investigate the town.
Aliarra: “I’ll take the point. Aiden, you take the rear. Mrrshala take the left side. Ignir take the right. Hanzo, you stay in the center and look out in all directions.”
Aiden: He just starts spinning around.
Aliarra: “Drusila, sleep it off.”
DM: (imitating Drusila’s player) “I can do that.”
Hanzo: How do you trip a worm anyway?
Aliarra: (growling through clenched teeth) I’ll find out.
The group travels till nightfall, then sets up camp.
Aliarra: “Aiden, you take first watch. I’ll take second. Mrr, you take third. Hanzo, you take fourth. Drusila, sleep it off.”
Aiden rolls a Listen check for his watch, then Aliarra. Aliarra explains her donkey is named Hote. Donkey Hote. Mrrshalla yells at her. An umber hulk bursts forth from the ground to attack her and her failed Listen check. She takes 18 damage and initiative is rolled. Hanzo backstabs the thing, but due to a misinterpretation of poisoning rules, accidentally expends doses of incredibly expensive poison to no effect, then 11 points of Con damage. Mrrshala throws down Sapphire Nightmare Blade. Aliarra attempts to trip it while Aiden clocks it with a mace. Despite rolling a 23, the roll ties the umber hulk’s. No one can remember if this is a success or a failure for some time. The umber hulk attempts to countertrip but fails miserably. Aliarra attempts to trip again and rolls 25, but fails yet again.
Aiden: I don’t know why she thinks she’s gonna be able to trip this guy.
DM: If I roll low enough she can.
Aliarra: Look, it’s got a +9, I’ve got a +8, it’s a one point difference between our Strength modifiers.
Aiden: Right, but then he has +4.
Aliarra: No, he has +9 total. That’s including that +4!
DM: The beast continues standing.
Aliarra: All righty then, if he’s gonna play it that way, I White Raven Tactics myself to reduce my initiative to 13…
DM: Are you gonna try to trip him again?
Aliarra: Yeah!
Aiden: Why don’t you do damage?! You could have almost killed him by now maybe!
Aliarra: That’s not true.
Aiden: Yeah, you coulda done damage, I don’t know why you’re continuing to waste your attacks on these trips!
Aliarra: Oh yeah, let’s find out! Where’s that red die that’s been good to me so far – d’oh, 18.
Aiden: Yeah, you’re gonna do 20 damage and he’s dead. “Oh, we coulda killed him five turns ago.”
DM: You hit him by one point.
Aliarra rolls the follow-up attack for 11 points. Aiden complains she could’ve done 33 points of damage by now. Aliarra smacks him with her second attack for another 11. Aiden complains even more. The umber hulk attempts to confuse Aliarra, who passes the save easily. The DM curses. Ignir steps forward to join the fray for 22 points of spear damage.
Aiden: I’m keeping track of his damage. If he dies at anything less than 50 hit points I’ll kill you for wasting time.
The party continues to pile on, pummeling the creature viciously till it dies. Declaring victory, the party continues on, passes a night. The group cheerfully mocks many of Aiden’s verbal missteps over the course of gaming. A Whopper-throwing fight erupts. The group finds the bugbear village, but no survivors or further enemies. After some searching and investigating, they decided there is little they can do here, and return to their main quest.
Aliarra: All right guys, let’s put this in the journal as a quest we need to come back to. Thank you, auto-updating journal.
Aiden: Let’s go to “Journal”, then “Primary Quest Chain”…
Hanzo: Do you want to fast-travel?
Aiden: There it is, follow the arrow on the map.
Aliarra: You must gather your party before venturing forth.
Aiden: God d—
Aliarra: You must gather your party before venturing forth. You must gather your party before venturing forth.
The session is derailed by Aliarra shoving a root beer bottle alarmingly deep into her mouth, rendering the rest of the group catatonic from horrified laughter. And there the game ends.
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