With the microphone mastered and almost all players in attendance (IGLAAAAR!), the game slowly begins. The characters have gained a level! The DM tells them to reroll any roll for hit points that is less than half the maximum.

DM: I don’t want you guys coming up low on hit points.
Dian: Because you like to PUNISH US!
DM: Yeah, I’d rather my monsters take them away from you than you never have them in the first place.
Sargassas: I’m a paladin, so I – wait, am I a paladin? I’m a cleric…

That cleared up, Dian mocks Iglar’s peanut-passing ability for a little while. Ashta bemoans his class level being only four, meaning no access to third-level spells yet. Ashta and the DM get into a longest-D&D-hiatus challenge, which the DM wins handily. These leads into a reminiscence of the very first D&D game the DM and Ralth ever played.

DM: You fought kobolds in the dungeon I whipped up on graph paper. And Alec’s paladin did the first called shot ever by thrusting a scimitar up a kobold’s butt.
Ralth: Ah, we were such classy characters back then.

Old good memories are brought up: Ralth’s drunken psionicist, knocking ogres off mountains with ladders, and an illusion of Satan.

Ralth: “So, you have betrayed me…”
Ralth and DM: “…In a way, this pleases me.”

Back to leveling up and the nitty-gritty. Sargassas turns to the DM abruptly.

Sargassas: Out-of-character question. Did you actually roll for her Hold Animal?
DM: Yes.
Sargassas: So there was a chance she could’ve fucked it up.

Ralth asks what he’d need to create the magical-mechanical devices that halflings are known for, catching the DM completely off-guard.

Ralth: When we get back to Guildhome I’m buying a small boat and I’m making a small airship from it.
DM: Those are also magical, that’s the thing--
Ralth: That’s okay. Wizards in Guildhome.
DM: There are, but very very few of them are familiar with the actual rituals—
Sargassas: We’re gonna have to steal one! Can we steal the engine off of a built one?
DM: You can TRY…

The DM quickly explains that the magics in questions are taught only by particular gods to the halflings. While this is going on, Sargassas pronounces Lesser Restoration as Lesser Restrobution, then complains that they could’ve stolen an airship had they taken the other mission. Then complains that Iglar wasn’t there to hear that complaint. Ashta and Dian commiserate over wizards.

Ashta: I’m having a total brain fart.
Dian: I’ve been ridiculously frustrated trying to make a wizard before. Just gimme a sword.
Ashta: I like them too much.

They quickly clear up the whole known-spells crap, as Sargassas feels smug.

Sargassas: That’s the thing about being a priest. You have to choose which spells you have but you have access to all your spells because your god is your spellbook.
DM: Your god could technically, if he wanted to, decide to give you different spells than what you prayed for.
Sargassas: (bursting into laughter) Every now and then I just, I just, “I got my spells ready!” The DM just hands me a sheet, “Here’s your spells for the day.” “Why the fuck does he want me to have food?!” Just water, food, over and over again.

This leads into reminiscence of paladin laser eyes. Ashta needs to be told these things, after all. The DM elects to begin the game with Iglar still missing. Immediately, Sargassas begins trying to heal the Con damage Dian is still suffering from his weasel run-in.

Sargassas: I’m gonna rememberize it twice, that should be enough.
DM: Rememberize, I like that.
Sargassas: I PRAY for it twice.
DM: Your god grants you nothing. He wants Dian to SUFFER.
Sargassas: My god doesn’t like you.
DM: I want to let you know right now that I managed to talk myself out of including the acidborn dire shark in the next dungeon, so you guys don’t say I never did anything nice for you.
Ashta: That’s… that’s real big of you.
Ralth: Fuck you, man. (flips the DM off)
Dian: Acidborn…?
DM: It’s a shark that lives in acid.
Sargassas: But why would we go in the acid?
Dian: Yeah, let’s totally go for a swim. IN THE ACID!
Sargassas: That means he replaced it with a streetborn street shark?
DM: I replaced it with the big bad beetle borg.
Ashta: YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

The game starting has somehow turned into a discussion of the origin of Samurai Pizza Cats. Sargassas complains that anime based on card games have no rules. The DM and Sargassas get into an argument over the faithfulness of the Pokemon anime to the rules. Yeah, game time, people. I skim over this because I love you. The DM and Sargassas continue to rant about Pokemon for several minutes.

DM: (looking at Sargassas, after one particularly inspired set of bitching about how Ash constantly trades away his best Pokemon) You ever think some of our anger might just be a little bit misplaced?

Sargassas complains about Blizzard. Ashta sings “Always” from Erasure.

Sargassas: I’m hoping one day we end up back in the lizardman tribes. I can’t wait.
DM: “Hey guys, I brought the snacks!”
Sargassas: First thing they say is, they say in Lizardfolk, “Ah, Sargassas has broughts big feasts!”
DM: No, the first thing is, “Goddammit, Sargassas, that was the longest snack run in history!”
Sargassas: “What are they saying?” “No, don’t worry about it! Nothing!”
Dian: Are we stopping for the night? YES! Who’s gonna take the first watch? Ehhhhhh, let’s just all wake up dead.
DM: All right! You guys survived the brutal night of the thousand dire beasts!
Sargassas: Yeah, EVERY fucking dire beast—
Dian: He said there was a reason! Let him go on, he said there was a reason, I wanna hear the reason.

Sargassas cures Dian’s Con loss. The transcriber makes a note to have the music-playing devices placed further away from the microphone. The DM looks at the players for a moment.

DM: You all sit around and look at each other awkwardly, apparently.
Sargassas: Well, I’m gonna go get us some food before we go.
Dian: Oh, that’s right, the crow means we’re gonna staaaaaarve!
DM: “Awk awk awk!”
Dian: Just wait till I can fly!

Sargassas rustles up some grub. Somehow the conversation turns to why the computer in Independence Day could interface with the alien computer. Trying to turn back to the game, the DM demands Sargassas makes a Listen check, but yet again they’re interrupted – by Iglar, who arrives with a giant bag of peanuts.

Ashta: Is that a… dire bag of peanuts?

Sargassas finally makes his Listen check, and hears humanoids approaching them. Iglar fails his hit point rolls repeatedly.

Iglar: Shouldn’t we roll 1d4+4?
DM: It’s more fun to roll an 8 and get eight hit points than it is to roll a 4 and get 8 hit points.
Iglar: Yes.
Dian: I’m gonna attempt to creep into the bush to intercept whatever it is.
DM: All right, make a Hide check.
Dian: Hide? Ummm… (rolls a die) Six. But that’s the highest I can get on this die, though.

Sargassas insists they’re being attacked by the very rare ‘dire person’. Dian, however, peers out of the bush to see the friendly rangers from several sessions back pointing arrows at him. They hurriedly greet Dian, setting aside their bows. Iglar produces an electronic d6, to the ludicrous, game-stopping fascination of the other players. After the novelty wears off, the rangers come back to offer them an escort to town.

Dian: You didn’t attack us this time, I take that as an offer of good will.

The rangers explain that dire creatures have been oddly active of late; the great predators of the forest are stirring and they don’t know why. The players offer causes.

Sargassas: … an army of… groggs? T-kroggs? (a long pause) Kobolds!

The rangers dismiss the PCs’ ideas, indicating that it seems more like some other predators have died and left a power vacuum. The PCs agree to help watch the herds in the town for the day that they’ll be there.

Dian: Tower defense! Plants vs. zombies!
Sargassas: Soon I’ll have enough plants in the house that I can start summoning them.
DM: Poof! “Welcome, master! We are here to serve!”
Dian: As long as you FEED ME! first.

The village welcomes them back and actually gives them places to stay, instead of the crapass outdoor shed from last time. Sargassas attempts to memorize new spells.

DM: You pray only in the mornings, that’s the only time you can pray for spells.
Sargassas: So I can’t get new spells.
DM: Right, not today.
Dian: Well, your god keeps lousy bankers’ hours.
Sargassas: I go to pray. “Boop! Your lord will be back between the hours of six and eight am.”
Dian: Must be nice, being a god. You work seven days a week, but you only work two hours. It’s a fourteen hour week.
DM: Then again, you have to work all the holidays.

Dian tosses the DM a soda. Khoriane promptly drinks some of it.

DM: What are you DOING?
Khoriane: I’m gonna have a sip.
DM: Why the--?!
Khoriane: I’m just gonna…
Sargassas: It’s been contaminated! He can’t drink it now.
Khoriane: I can’t have a whole frickin’ can, you know that.

The DM sulks melodramatically. The other players can’t stop giggling. Time fast-forwards to the night watch.

DM: Night falls.
Players: (screaming and bad falling jokes)
DM: Pitch black, except for the moon that’s beaming down, just now in its waning phase, but still full.
Ralth: “Ow! Ow! The moon rays!”
DM: Ralth is impaled by a moon ray!
Sargassas: Pass me the peanut M&Ms. XXL bag, good god!
DM: Sargassas, give me a Listen check… and some M&Ms.
Sargassas: Let’s see, there are ten Ms, and of course it’s a times two roll, so… let me just roll a real dice.
DM: That would probably be better.
Dian: He rolls deliciously.
Sargassas: 25.
DM: Ralth, give me a Listen check.
Dian: None of us are gonna hear anything.
Ashta: All we hear are horses.
DM: Peanut butter?! What a waste of good M&Ms.
Ashta: Hey!
Sargassas: How dare you! Get the fuck out!
Ralth: Those are the best kind! All right, just for that, I rolled a 45, fuck you.
DM: All right. Ashta, give me a Listen check.
Ralth: Uhh, 23.
DM: You rolled a 45 and it’s only a modified 23? You got penalties like… You were listening to, like, really loud music.
Dian: It’s a conscience penalty.

The characters stay up the night, but hear nothing. Sargassas rants at Iglar for attempting to close an M&M bag. Iglar does a yawn-and-stretch routine.

DM: You know for a minute there I thought you were trying to put the moves on Ashta, there, with that…
Iglar: It wasn’t me, it was Iglar!
Sargassas: “Yeah, I have a baby now, that makes me sexier.” That’s what Iglar has the baby for, now he can roll around in the coaster and catch the ladies. The baby is like the girlfriend land mine. “Oh my god it’s a BABY!” It’s a coaster trap! A little roller coaster…
Iglar: …what’s a coaster?
DM: Pretty sure he’s thinking a stroller.
Ashta: I was confused too.
DM: Make sure you put your baby on the coaster so it doesn’t leave a big ugly ring on the table!
Ralth: Let’s go to the grocery store! (making the universally-recognized noise of a roller coaster being towed up the first hill)
DM and Ralth: WHEEEEEEE!
Ashta: The baby doesn’t meet the 42” height requirement!
Iglar: Okay… what happens the next day?
Sargassas: I’m gonna make like a Rent-a-Baby, where you can rent a baby for a day…
DM: Sargassas sets up a rent-a-baby booth. You’re all very suspicious of his motives.
Sargassas: That would end in a day, because I would have eaten all the profit away!
Iglar: Does someone bring me breakfast?
Ashta: (hopelessly laughing)
Sargassas: Sargassas Rent-a-Baby, it’s open for all of a day! I close it down. “What happened Sargassas?” “I ate all the babies…”
Dian: It was a good run…
Ashta: You ate your merchandise?!
Sargassas: It was so tasty!
Dian: It was a good run!
Sargassas: Twenty-four hours!
Dian: What happened to the till?
Ralth: Raaaaaalth?
DM: “It’s time to unpack the latest shipment. One for the customers… one for me. One for the customers… one for me.”
Sargassas: Fuck it, take the box.
DM: He’s got like a –a –a funnel with a hose…
Sargassas: People outside are probably wondering, where do you get a box of babies from? Bender’s Baby Factory.
Ralth: Ah, synthetic babies.
DM: Wanna buy a used baby? Meanwhile down in hell, there’s a little digital display on the wall. “Rockville D&D Troupe, Level of Hell.” DING!

Kitty leaps onto the table, then steals Khoriane’s seat. None of that discussion might have happened had she not wandered off, so blame her. Dian proposes just cutting their losses and leaving without even going back to the city. Their end proposal turns into dragons dropping a mountain on the undead city.

Sargassas: Three?! I think 4d6 is a little low for a mountain falling on a city!
DM: I’m the DM and my ruling stands!

Ashta plays with the cat in a manner that encourages the cat to scratch him, and is scratched by the kitty. Sargassas calls the group to order.

Sargassas: All right, listen guys. It has come to my attention that I have the highest Wisdom here, so I should have all the ideas.
Iglar: What are your ideas, oh wise Sargassas?
Sargassas: Never listening to you!
Dian: He might be Sargassas, but he’s the king of sarcasms!
Ashta: Waaah waaah waaaaaaaaah.

The players again ask what happened last night. The DM says for like the third time nothing happened, then gives up and rules that all the horses have been replaced by two guys in horse costumes. The party heads back towards the city of the undead. A Survival check sends them in the right direction; then soon after they hear rustling in the bushes.

Dian: If it’s the rangers again, they’re just getting attacked.

Iglar pitches a rock. Nothing happens. Dian proposes burning the forest down. Ralth fails to hear anything. The DM skims over the day.

DM: You make your way through the forest for the remainder of the day. You’re not far from the mountain as the sun begins to set.
Sargassas: He’s got us way too paranoid now. He doesn’t even have to throw monsters at us.
DM: Night is falling over this dire-animal-infested forest.
Iglar: “Better set up watch, guys.”
DM: “Awk! Awk! Awk!”
Iglar: What was that? Is it that crow?!
Dian: No, it’s that dire toad we didn’t step on last night.
Iglar: What’s making that sound?
DM: Iglar, there’s a crow, flying overhead.
Iglar: “It’s that crow! I say we get it down here and see what it’s made of!”
Ashta: “Meat and feathers.”
DM: Then a moment later, from another direction, “Awk awk!”
Iglar: Are they circling overhead?
DM: No, they’re just flying past. As far as you know.
Iglar: In the same direction?
DM: No, one went one way and one went the other.
Ralth: (muttering) He’s just making us paranoid.
Ashta: They’re probably waiting for the dire weasels to kill us and feed off our corpse.
Dian: They’re the dragons fucking, fucking snitches.
Iglar: “That priestess of death, I bet it’s her servants watching us! Crows! Carrion eaters!”
Ralth: Oh my god. You all are paranoid. Let’s just keep going.
DM: You want to travel the rest of the distance… in the dark?

A long silence after that ominous question, but they elect to continue on, assuming an attack is inevitable. Iglar blows a Move Silently check, but points out that with low-light vision he can at least see fine.

Sargassas: The moon’s not out.
Iglar: Why not?
Sargassas: It’s a new moon.
DM: No, no, no -- What? It doesn’t wax and wane that fast, it was full two nights ago!
Sargassas: I don’t remember what the status of the moon was.
DM: I just described it like 45 minutes ago at best!
Sargassas: That was a long time.
DM: No, it’s in… (facepalming) It’s in the third quarter waning.
Ralth: Ahh, facepalm.
DM: I’m doin’ my Picard Maneuver.
Dian: Shut up, Wesley!

Picard impressions ensue for several movements before Iglar demands they turn back to the game. Kobolds are explicitly compared to Jawas. Something explodes out of the bushes and runs off. Sargassas attempts to cast Hold Animal on the out-of-light-radius, long-gone animal. This doesn’t work. The party comes to a break in the trees.

DM: This clearing is in fact a pond. You can hear the croaking of hundreds of frogs.
Dian: DIRE TOOOOOOOADS.
Ralth: WALK AWAAAAY!
DM: As you walk a little bit closer, frogs on the banks dive in to avoid you.
Iglar: That’s a good sign, it means they haven’t been disturbed earlier. This place might be safe. Shall we camp near this pond, put some protection at our backs?
Dian: Are you out of your mind? Why don’t you just dive into the pond while you’re at it!

The party argues whether they should go forward or stay here. The question arises if dragons have good night visions. Ashta and Khoriane toss out Knowledge(arcane) checks, and roll well enough to know that dragons have darkvision, scent, and blindsight. Kitty leaps onto a shelf and slips, making everyone laugh. In the middle of the DM’s description, kitty jumps to a shelf with like four inches of clearance between it and the ceiling, to the vast amazement and bewilderment of all. Ashta takes a picture, in which the cat has devil eyes. Khoriane fails a Listen check… and gets asked her flat-footed armor class.

DM: All right. You’re caught totally off-guard as, from the direction of the pond, something slaps into the center of your back, and you’re being reeled in towards the pond!
Dian: It’s a toad!

Initiative occurs. Sargassas complains that the toad got a free attack in the surprise round. Very poor rolling ensues. Khoriane blasts the gaping maw with an eldritch blast.

Ralth: That frog went, “that’s a bigass fly.”
DM: Ralth has it in one. “Mmm, me-sized food.”

Dian and Ralth go next. Dian is caught entirely off-guard.

Ralth: Can I – can I flank the tongue?

The DM points out that the toad is 10 feet out in the water, and rules they can’t flank the toad. And also that punching the tongue is probably ineffective.

Ralth: 26 to throw a thunderstone into its maw.
Sargassas: That’s our response to everything with an open mouth.
Ralth: It was too inviting, I had to.

Khoriane passes her thunderstone Fort save. The DM attempts to narrate without bursting into laughter.

DM: You hurl the thunderstone. You see the toad’s eyes pop out as it explodes in its mouth! A wave, a ripple followed by ominously clear water, swooshes out through the lake! All around you hear toads diving into the water in terror as their natural habitat is disturbed!
Dian: Did he explode the toad?!
DM: Birds – no he didn’t.
Iglar: Dynamite fishing, they should all float up, belly-up. Sound waves propagate through the water!
DM: And think, now they can’t hear to mate! You’re single-handedly responsible for decimating the toad –
Ralth: Don’t have Knowledge(nature), don’t care!

Dian can’t charge the toad because the water slows his pace. He jump-kicks it instead, making its eyes bulge out yet again. Iglar wades into the water and hews into the toad, slaying it. Not after Sargassas contemplates putting it into his basement, though. Sargassas and Ashta high-five over getting experience while doing no work, then declare it safe to make camp.

Iglar: I’ll take first watch, I need to clean the goo off my axe.
Sargassas: I was gonna take first, but apparently he’s taking it…
Dian: Roll for initiative.
Ralth: I’ll sleep in!
DM: Ralth is taking the wolf watch.
Sargassas: I wanna be ready to pray in the morning.
Dian: Yeah, you take the weasel watch.

The DM makes them roll through the night. Nothing seems to happen. The group steps out of the forest, spying the priestess’s group on the trail that leads into the mountains.

Dian: They have the high ground. I don’t suggest an assault.
DM: Iglar charges.
Iglar: How far are they?
DM: Up the trail.
Iglar: Why-uh-how-ah- what the hell?! How many yards!
Sargassas: “How far are they?” “Up the trail!” That’s not a measurement of distance!
Iglar: I didn’t even notice there was something wrong with his answer for a few seconds! I was just silently denied, not knowing why I felt this shame and dissatisfaction and rejection!
Ashta: That’s the way I feel when I wake up every morning.
DM: Awwwwwwww.
Dian: Up we go.
Iglar: Up we go! When do we know who they are, when do we notice?
DM: Uhh… your first guess was correct.
Dian: Who else could they be? The elf with a lot of…
DM: Issues.
Dian: Wares being displayed, or whatever. The halfling.
Iglar: Since Iglar has a loud voice…
Dian: Blow the horn! Let’s get the dragon right on top of us and make her cast a spell…
Sargassas: That’d be hilarious if that horn had a curse whenever you used it, it summoned dire animals. You used it like three times and these dire animals are just waiting for us to be in position! The whole time, we figured out – “Why are we always running into dire animals!” Buh-baaaah! We’re like level 30 before we figure it out. “You’re summoning them with that god-“ Wait a minute, the leveling tool! All right, the next adventure… buh-buuh! Buh-buuuh!
Dian: Yeah, we don’t have to wait for the respawn.

The group joins the priestess’s group. The priestess advises them to send a scout ahead to see the latest developments. Ralth, Dian, and Khoriane go off to do so.

DM: You all creep on ahead up the trail cautiously, till you’re able to peer round one of the corners of the chasms that partly separate this trail from the surrounding mountains and look upon the front gate of the city. It is smashed. The gate has been torn down. There’s obvious signs of fighting. Bones and kobold bodies litter the area in front.
Sargassas: Oh wow.
Dian: Full-scale…
DM: Blasts of scorched area, ground and stone, surround the front gate.
Dian: The Battle of Five Armies was here, and we missed it?
DM: Peering more cautiously ahead, where the portcullis that shielded the city from the outside world once stood, there is now a platoon of kobolds.
Iglar: Platoon?! Platoon in military terms, there’s 25 of them?
Sargassas: A platoon is 2000.
DM: I was thinking 25…
Sargassas: A bunch of kobolds.
Dian: A legion is 2000.
Iglar: A battalion.

There’s lots of kobolds. Sargassas declares the mission complete, then specifies it’s out of character. Iglar apologizes to the priestess, sort of, for believing she was responsible for the dire animals. She tells the group that the undead have been slaughtered to a man, and the dragon now rules.

Dian: So much for that rematch.
Iglar: (sighing) So much for that rematch.
DM: Iglar imagines the skeletons of the city. “Iglar, where were you?” “We’re going to fight the dragon!” Fwooooooom! “How could you abandon us?!”

Sargassas helps pick on Iglar, then they debate their options. Most are against hasslin’ the kobolds, but Iglar desires to cut through the tribe violently, but is dissuaded after substantial discussion. The priestess of undeath seems oddly unconcerned by this turn of events.

Iglar: “How is one to even experience life if you suppress everything you feel?”
Sargassas: (to the priestess, companionably) “You sees what I have to deal with? Wes go on an adventure and he sees a lava monsters in the pool of lava surrounded by the lave critter…”
Dian: Don’t you hate her?
Sargassas: “I don’t care!”

Sargassas rants while Iglar continues to chide the baffled priestess. Sargassas ponders how he’s able to do so many things against his nature and instincts, like not kill undead, or eat people.

Sargassas: I can imagine my training not to eat people is me just sitting in a chair and them parading a person in front of me and smacking me every time I open my mouth.
DM: The problem is they kept eating the people before they got to you, that’s why it took so long.
Sargassas: “I thought you’s supposed to bring people?”
DM: “…We’s working on it!”
Dian: Khori, go kite some kobolds, we’ll lead ‘em into the forest, where all the dire creatures are…
DM: You see three kobolds here and three kobolds here and three kobolds here. Khori comes over and then zooms off, these three guys follow, these guys… (Shrugs)
Sargassas: Twenty-seven sessions later, we’ve killed them all – nope, they’re respawning back in the entrance! Dammit.
DM: Oh, we pulled the dragon.
Ralth: Oh—calling it, calling it. Next week.

Iglar asks the priestess about the kobolds and gets more answers. Sargassas watches in a mixture of bemusement and annoyance.

Sargassas: “Can I makes recordings of your voice? Maybe he listen to you better.” I have the priestess on record and whenever he starts talking…
DM: “No Iglar. Don’t do that.” You’ll have Ralth sneak into his room at night and put a headset on him… “Iglar, you will be a calm and measured person. You will consider the consequences of your actions.”
Dian: Yeah, we can invent what’s-it-called, Rosetta Stone at the same time.

Regretfully, Iglar submits to the will of the party. The party celebrates, then plans their next adventure: stealing an airship! The DM stares at them in prolonged silence for a moment.

DM: Next adventure: (holding out his hand as airship prop, tilting it 45 degrees, and demonstrating it plunging towards the ground) “WHYYYYY?! WHYYYYYYY?! WHYYYYYYYY?!”
Sargassas: “MYSSSS BAAAAD!”

The DM explicitly notes that dinosaurs, and dire turtles, exist in this campaign. For no real reason the group starts shouting “STEELGUARD!” The DM attempts to demonstrate the context of this meme but fails, as the USB mic has taken over the laptop, Borg-like. The group decides Khoriane isn’t coming back and elects to continue to the adventure.

Sargassas: (looking at the DM) “I thinks we should teleport back.”
DM: …why are you telling ME this?
Sargassas: (turning to face the group) “I thinks we should teleport back.”

Iglar continues to insist they capture a kobold. Sargassas beckons him in for a huddle to discuss the capture, then uses the teleport ring as soon as he’s close enough.

Ralth: Iglar needs to roll a Sense Motive check!
DM: That one was obvious a mile away. Even the kobolds are like, “Hmm, he’s gonna trick that guy!”
Sargassas: And he still believed it. He goes to roll a Sense Motive and it’s a 1.
DM: He believes you’re going to sell him to the kobolds in exchange for the finest cuts of meat.

The group reappears in the middle of the teleport circle, but continues to argue in the middle of said circle. Ralth points out that they could argue while they travel.

Sargassas: And the teleport guy’s just watching us.
DM: That’s why I’m over here clearing my throat! None of you noticed that it was supposed to be the angry wizard.
Sargassas: “Shut up, yous! We’s having conversation here! We have no times for yours talks!”
DM: “Please step out of the circle, sirs and ma’am!”
Sargassas: “We will do so! I have aten humans bigger than you! Don’ts makes mes angry! Now I’s can’ts talks right! TURNLSJ!”
Dian: He’s turning that shade of red.
DM: Eight guards come in and subdue the raving lizardman. You’re rudely ejected onto the street.

Khoriane starts drawing this scene. The group decides to go turn in. Someone makes the Universal Horn Noise.

Sargassas: He blows the horn again. “There’s a dire wolf attack at the entrance! It’s like they’re trying to get somewhere!”
DM: You hear the teleporter hum behind you. In the middle of the mages. “WHY!? WHY?!”

The DM mocks them with a crow on top of a building. The group makes it to the guildhall. As they debate where to go, an usher attempts to guide them to their patron.

Sargassas: “All rights, we’ll go there. You don’t have to be so pushys about it. Don’t pretend like – stop talking – they know mores!” (sputtering)
Ashta: He said, like, five words!
DM: Are you channeling Ashta’s Charisma? What’s your Charisma?!
Sargassas: 18?
DM: Yeah, you suck! You suck at having 18 Charisma!
Sargassas: I’m just really good looking. “I am the most handsomes of lizardman!”
Ashta: He’s very handsome for a giant lizard.
Sargassas: My color combination can vary to people’s likings.

Ashta gets the “let’s meet Vexian” routine. Immediately he attempts to bolt. Vexian summons a cloud to mist over Sargassas, who is baffled by this. Everyone else remembers Sargassas had spent much of their last encounter with the dragon complaining about the desert heat and dryness, and remind Sargassas of this fact. They tell Vexian of the adventure. Vexian finally points out to them that the dire animals are in greater force because they killed the green dragon. The group speculates miserably on the fate of the guild party that had done the halfling-mission, imagining them having captured a flotilla of airships and limitless wealth to go with it. With the reward delivered to their house, the group splits up to take care of business:

Ralth stops by the taxidermist to pick up the dragon head. The DM determines a magnificent job was done. Ralth tips well, and the group now has a line on future trophies! Ralth hefts it over his head and carries it off.

DM: “Aaaah! Dragon! Dragon!”
Ralth: (adjusts how he’s carrying it)
DM: “Aaaah! Halfling! Halfling!”

Dian and Khoriane hang out the guildhall to Gather Information on the religious conflict hinted at some sessions previous. They determine that tension over the presence of the temple of Tiamat continues to increase. Paladins continue to guard it to uphold law and order, painting them in a bad light.

Iglar stops by the Historian’s Guild to determine the status of his wine and booze investigations. He gets many details, and even recipes. He ponders their sell value, but elects to keep them for their ‘historical value’ to him.

Dian: You don’t care about historical value! “Sword that slew kings, changed the fate of the nation!” Aah, trash drop.
Ralth: “Old-ass booze.” WOOHOO!

Iglar asks a history question, and is directed to a different sage. Said sage tells him the story of how the Kingdom of Coden opposed the rise of the guilds in general (due to the shift of power from aristocracy to said guilds), but was destroyed by the magical might of the Adventurers’ Guild.

Sargassas and Ashta end up back at the house, to which the blueprints have been lost. Sargassas nearly eats a die out of inattention.

Dian: Don’t let him take you downstairs.

Sargassas discovers a loot table from the previous campaign. The DM attempts to reclaim it, but Sargassas will have none of that.

Dian: Look at all the silver pieces. Silver pieces. Silver pieces.
Ralth: There was some disgust in your voice! “Silver pieces. SILVER pieces.”

Sargassas completely forgets the maid’s name. Ashta meets Cheltonbourne, and after everything else he’s seen, only shrugs.

Ashta: “We’re working for a dragon now. Why not? Why the fuck not?

The group reconvenes at the house. The DM awards loot to them all. Wands, scrolls, potions, a blight stone, a healing belt, and a chain shirt +1 that leaves the group staring awkwardly at each other, wondering who would wear the damn thing. Dinner is ready. A furious but brief brawl ensues as they all try to get to the table first. Cheltonbourne has prepared a magnificent feast, which the DM lists off.

DM: …all of which Cheltonbourne rolled a natural 20 on. He has not rolled below a 19 on your food check since you hired him.
Ralth: Sometime he’s going to roll lower on that and we’ll be like, “what the fuck.”
Dian: He is never being a PC ever. It’s going to be like food fit for a king and we’ll be like, “This is crap, get this lobster off of my plate…”

Shares are distributed and purchases ensue. The DM halts them from getting too crazy really quick by telling them a messenger arrives early the next day with a gift.

Ralth: All right, free messenger!

Sargassas threatens to eat the messenger. The messengers say they are from a ‘certain member’ of the council. The group guess it’s the celestial.

DM: They hand you a finally carved wooden box.
Sargassas: “Ahhh, cigarssss.”
DM: It is a chess set. The chess pieces are of magnificent quality. I even wrote all this shit down so you can give me some credit for preparation. The pawns: one set is carved of purest onyx, the other, bloodstone. The rooks: the set on one side, jade, the other side, jet. The bishops: one, brilliant red garnet. The other, green spinel. The knights: jasper, and misty quartz. Each of the kings: ruby. Each of the queens: sapphire.
Iglar: That’s confusing.
DM: The way to tell them apart is from the magnificent pearls set in their helms.
Iglar: That sounds incredibly expensive.
Ralth: I take it out of his hands, and go, “LET’S HOCK IT!”
Ashta: Ashta’s right behind him!

Sargassas opines they shouldn’t sell it in case the giver shows up at their house. The group agrees. Sargassas then spends his time testing his dice for betrayers. Ralth appraises the chess set, rolls a 1, then retroactively takes a 10 by virtue of not knowing he could. He guesses its worth to be 3000 gold pieces. The group is suitably impressed. Sargassas proposes keeping the chain shirt in case they lose equipment in the future.

Sargassas: “Rust monsters come to mind.”
Ashta: In Ashta’s last game he had like three pages of equipment, and they were were walking up to this Cave of Trials, and—
Iglar: Cake of trials?
Ashta: CAVE of trials. Heh, cake of trials, it’s delicious.
Dian: It’s a lie.
Ashta: And the guy guarding the gate told Ashta that he had to leave all of his equipment. And he didn’t want to, he’s like, it’s a lie! Then one of his other party members is like, “no no no, I think you should do it.” They convinced him to do it. Took all of his equipment off. He was down to like a robe and a hat. Then all of his equipment went up to the ceiling and vanished, and he never got it back.
Sargassas: When we fought a rust monster he was nice enough to put us next to an equipment shed, so we had two mooks just run and grab weapons and then sit behind us while we just grabbed it and proceeded to beat these rust monsters to death. We’re like, “Oh, we don’t wanna lose out swords, put the swords away!”
DM: You guys avoided that room with like 15 rust monsters.
Iglar: Yeah, we didn’t go in there.
DM: Hey Iglar, you remember that game where I was playing the rogue with like all sorts of equipment, you know, it was the one with the giant hat. The first campaign was where we had to go into this cave with earth elementals and stuff, and every single member of the party got knocked unconscious but me? I completed the cave solo.
Iglar: …I don’t remember that!
Sargassas: You got a wide-brim hat, it kept the monsters away.
DM: I remember I defeated the earth elemental because there were, like, four earth jars up on a pedestal and I kept tipping them over and that weakened it.
Iglar: Was this… my game?
DM: Yes. It was the one where my rogue and Ralth’s dwarf got really really drunk and then woke up in bed just looking at each other awkwardly.
Iglar: …I think I’m starting to remember. Who was playing what else?
Sargassas: Oh wow. “Two guys in bed, oh I remember now.”
DM: I think Alec was playing a paladin... oh yeah, we buttered the stairs.
Iglar: Oh yeah. Now I remember.
Ashta: …buttered the stairs?
DM: There was this pathway of nothing but caltrops, and I looked over my inventory. I has just written down a bunch of shit in my inventory for no good reason, thinking it would come in handy. It’s like, “Oh. Six by six metal square.” So I tied it to one foot and just hopped over the caltrops. I loved the hell out that character. There was a later adventure, this is my favorite story, there were raiders, I forget the sort, who were trying to take over this fort we were in. So the gate was open, someone had opened the gate for them. My thief is down on the ground, he looks carefully, and he sees the lever for the portcullis up on the gatepost next to one of the guards who was fighting the creatures coming in. So he quickly draws an arrow, fires it at the portcullis lever, rolls a natural one. So the guard next to it is like, “Aaagh!” He’s like, “Uh, no one saw that!” Natural 20, down comes the portcullis, he was a hero because no one saw that.

Ralth looks up what their blight stone does and discovers it damages plants and plant-based creatures.

Ralth: It’s like the last resort for him. (looking at Sargassas)
Iglar: Yeah, we’re gonna need to keep that.

Purchases ensue. The DM charges them a fee for house upkeep. Iglar purchases the sword of historical value from Orialla as a gift to his mentor. The DM asks who’s going to tell Ashta about the oily Pringles Men, to general groans. Iglar is amazed by the fact that Ralth’s stack of papers includes drawings and old information from campaigns literally fifteen years ago.

Ralth: Oh yeah, man, like the drawings? I’ll keep those indefinitely.
DM: Dude, we didn’t spend all that time playing. We spent all that time creating memories.

Ashta admires the picture of the aforementioned rogue and dwarf in the drinking contest, then the awkward morning after. Sargassas very belatedly complains about the blight stone, then tries to hit up Orialla for new weapons which he really can’t afford and miscellaneous items she doesn’t have. Iglar suspiciously questions his expected wealth at his level. Iglar hits up Ralth for a loan.

Dian: You’re asking the thief for a loan.
Iglar: It’s okay to ask the thief for a loan, it’s not okay to give him one.
DM: Iglar, you’ve never heard of this thing called ‘usury’, have you.
Iglar: Yeah, I suppose. What’s he gonna do, break my kneecaps?
Ralth: No, no, the backs of your knees.

Sargassas hypes the healing belt to them all. Iglar tries to dice with Ralth for the loan, to Ralth’s confusion. Sargassas tries to hook up his basement swamp with better ecological stability, but balks on introducing animals. The DM suggests a giant frog, then shrugs and pushes on the adventure. The patron offers them two potential missions: investigating a missing druid, or investigating raids on a local town. They elect to seek the missing druid.

Sargassas: You really got so creative with some of those rewards. I’m really impressed with that chess set. I, like, envisioned it, it was really pretty.
DM: And now you know why I give you items that aren’t just straight-up cash.
Sargassas: NO, because I don’t like the TAPESTRIES. We’re always coming back with like 90 rugs. “YAAAAY.”
DM: Sorry, that’s how the wealth sometimes comes!
Sargassas: Whenever we get someplaced we’re always in some kind of rug factory.
DM: You were robbing the castle of Ghoere!
Sargassas: Apparently they like their rugs at Ghoere!

The players are sent off to meet with the druidess. Sargassas decides he will flirt with the ladies by calling them delicious. The druidess tells the group that they have surely heard one of their druids is missing.

Iglar: “Yes, and I suppose you’re upset about the fact that you can’t go on the quest by yourselves, huh?”
DM: “…what?”
Iglar: “No?”
Khoriane: Oh Iglar.

The druidess tells them the druid has holed up in a dungeon after going mad in the midst of a ritual. Sarassas and Ralth attempt to go back and get the other job instead. They have tracked him to an ancient dwarven keep, associated with some of the wealthy and powerful nobility.

Sargassas: I remember this dungeon! I know exactly what we’re gonna face in it. We’re gonna face a crazy dwarf who’s gonna send two armored skeletons after us and through a fireball.
DM: Don’t forget the half-golem.

The DM explains the difference between the two dungeons. Iglar wonders why the druid went there. The druidess would appreciate them bringing him back unharmed… but gives them permission to rough him up if he resists.

Sargassas: “I’ll just heal him right before we get back, they’ll never know.”
Dian: Stunning fist! Stunning fist! Healing belt! Healing belt! Steelguard!

The druidess gives them a sprig of holly which she promises will see them through harm. The party travels into the mountains, not getting lost, nor encountering random encounters! They arrive at last at massive double doors, 10x20 – but one is off its top hinge and leaning heavily into the other. The doors depict a massive volcano, spewing forth all manner of things. Knowledge(religion) checks reveal this to be the dwarven creation myth. Iglar attempts to feed Doritos to a kitty, then turns to the DM accusingly.

Iglar: There’s no way in?
Sargassas: That we can see so far.
Dian: “Maybe you should use your patented form of knocking.”
Iglar: “Yyyesss, maybe I should.” All right, what’s this door made of?
DM: Iron!
Iglar: All right, Iglar’s going to attempt to force the door open.
DM: You’ll need to give me a Strength check.
Iglar: (enlarging himself and rolling) Seven.
DM: Inadequate.
Iglar: Thirteen?
DM: Iglar grips the door and starts to heave, but time or superior dwarven workmanship working against you, has sabotaged your efforts.
Sargassas: If you rolled a 1 on that, would you throw out your back?
DM: It might make it worse.
Iglar: “Oh, yes, we’re gonna have to find a different way of doing this…”
Ralth: Ralth rolls a natural 20. “HAA HAA HAAA!”

Iglar proposes to oil the hinges, but discovers the hinges are recessed. Ralth chugs a potion of reduce, throws out a 30 on Escape Artist, and worms through the narrow passage. Popping a sunrod, he sees an immense chasm that cuts through an entrance hall. He also smells dust and cobwebs.

DM: Give me a Spot check.
Sargassas, Dian, and Iglar: Oh nooooo.
Ralth: 22.
DM: Looking ahead in the light of the sunrod, which is enough to reach into the chasm if you hold it aloft despite your reduced size: masses of webs. Indeed, right in front of you there appears to be a bridge of webs across the chasm. The chasm itself seems to be all of 20 feet in width. It is very quiet here. Very quiet.

Ralth scouts the door, trying to unstuck it. There’s no rust or glue gumming it up though.

DM: This is dwarven craftsmanship, after all.
Sargassas: I feel like there’s a dwarf around just reminding us how awesome dwarven craftsmanship is.

In the time-honored wizard tradition of being better than the rest of the party at everything, Ashta casts Knock, which has just enough area to affect these doors. They pop open obligingly. Peering into the chasm, they see masses of webs with rushing water at the bottom.

Iglar: I can see the water, I can’t see anything… I wonder what made these webs?

A long pause.

Ralth: Are you seriously asking that question?

The group laughs its collective ass off at Iglar.

Iglar: Let me rephrase that. How BIG was the spider that made these webs?

Sargassas decribes Iglar as the Goku of the party. Iglar demands an answer nonetheless, and rolls to determine the spider is probably the size of a person, not counting legs. Iglar prods the spider web with his foot, but rolls well enough not to be stuck to it.

Sargassas: A strange fish-man pops out from a rock. “IT’S A TRAP!” Then he disappears again.

Iglar decides he doesn’t like the bridge and proposes a rope instead. The party spies a ledge on the other side, with an image of a god lifting his hand while the cooling ground sprouts a variety of creatures. Ralth proposes burning the webs. Sargassas walks across the web bridge, without getting stuck, and he and Dian stretch a rope between them. Iglar uses a psionic power to walk across the rope effortlessly.

DM: With shocking daintiness, Iglar tiptoes across the web with more skill than a ballerina!
Ralth: All right, I can’t be shown up by Iglar. Hold this tight, I rolled a 28 on my balance check.
DM: You’re trying to walk across the rope?
Ralth: With these two holding it tight, they should be fine.
Sargassas: Apparently I’m being the anchor. I continue to try to tie it to something, all of a sudden I feel people walking on it, what the hell?
Ralth: I weigh sixty pounds soaking wet. You can do it. Oh I’m sorry, 31 pounds.
Iglar: He’s kinda like a cat. A fat cat.
Sargassas: A RIDICULOUSLY fat cat!

They don’t drop Ralth. The DM just shakes his head as a spider hurls a web at Ralth, entangling him but not causing him to plummet. Initiative time. Also, table-clearing-to-draw-the-map time. They reluctantly do this as the DM demands they stop claiming the first encounter of the dungeon will be a TPK. Khoriane goes first, and readies an action to attack. Ralth goes next, making an Escape Artist check to squirm free from the web, and Balance to stay on the rope.

Ashta: He emerges as a beautiful butterfly!
Ralth: “WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED!?”

A massive (Large-sized) spider bursts out of the chasm and noms on Sargassas, whose own AC baffles him. The spider deals 11 damage, but Sargassas passes his Fort save vs. poison. Dian must go, but is holding onto the rope. The cat charges through the battlefield, strewing minatures everywhere. Iglar grabs the cat off the table, to the cat’s total confusion and alarm. Dian ponders his options.

Ralth: I have no problems with doing this, I just have to ask, why does this shit always happen to me?
DM: Because you’re the most juicy target.
Sargassas: A-all the dire creatures are just like, “too big, too big, too big… too delicious.”

Dian contemplates releasing the rope and letting Ralth plummet into the webs or water below. Iglar suggests that Dian glide out and catch Ralth, to the disbelief of those who know how the power functions. Dian elects to tie the rope off.

DM: Gimme a Use Rope check.
Dian: 17.
DM: All right. You fake it. You think you’ve tied it well. Ralth, give me a Balance check as he jostles the rope.
Ralth: “What are you DOING over there?! Oh my god…”
Dian: Fake it?
DM: …do you have Use Rope?
Dian: Yes.
DM: Oh, I didn’t know. Then you do a good job.
Ralth: 23.
DM: You are just barely clinging on. You just keep making that 20 difficulty no matter what the penalty! Aaand Dian has acted for the round, that mean it’s… Ashta!
Ashta: Can I see the spider on the other side there?
DM: Oh yeah. Easily. Biggest, ugliest spider you’ve ever seen until a couple of CRs later in this campaign.
Ashta: Oh great. Is Ralth gonna be able to make it across the rope next round?
DM: From what he’s done you’re convinced he can’t fall!

Ashta burns a charge off a magic missile wand. It’s only three damage.

DM: The spider lets out a hideous shriek right in your face, venom flecks slapping on to your armored skin. Sargassas, what do you do?!
Sargassas: I boot it off. Using my magic item… I bought Spider Boot-Kicking, used only when big spiders are on cliffs to be easily booted off.
DM: You’re in my campaign, that’s the best money you could ever spend.

Brief reminsices of a really, really big spider that the PCs refused to even fight after it retreated. Sargassas smacks the spider, forcing Ralth to make another Balance check, which he passes. The mace deals 11 points of damage. A spider swarm bursts out of the chasm and begins nomming on Ashta. Iglar attempts to draw the swarm on the map, till the others point out to him than the damn thing MOVES. Ashta takes 5 points of damage and blows the Fort save, taking 2 points of strength damage. Iglar perches lightly on the rope, expends his psionic focus, and hits for 25 or so. The spider dies. Another spider emerges from the chasm to munch on Iglar for 9, but he saves.

Iglar: Ow, my ass!

Khoriane blasts the spider for 12. Ralth gets off the web, next to the swarm.

Iglar: Throw your flask of oil at them!
Sargassas: With Ashta in it!
Iglar: It just does 1d6 damage.
Ralth: You and your collateral damage!
Ashta: Sure, go ahead.
Sargassas: Throw a thunderstone at them. At least it won’t damage him, just make him a little deaf for a while. This whole party is nothing but “throw a thunderstone at it, see what happens.” There’s a rustle in the bushes, throw a thunderstone at it!
DM: There’s a toad, throw a thunderstone at it! There’s a dragon…
DM and Sargassas: Throw a thunderstone at it!
DM: There’s thieves, set up a trap with a thunderstone in it!
Dian: That was an awesome trap.
Sargassas: That was a fucking badass trap! The Party o’ Thunderstone. That’d be a great shirt for D&D. “Throw a thunderstone at it.”

Ralth elects to draw his crossbow. Dian jump-kicks the spider, but misses. Ashta is not nauseated by the swarm.

Ashta: Are they jumping spiders?
DM: …not… as such… no.

Ashta uses air genasi powers to levitate out of the swarm. The PCs come up with complicated self-immolation plans with potions.

Ralth: I self-immolate myself.
DM: That’s redundant, who ELSE could you self-immolate?
Ralth: …it IS redundant.

Sargassas ties off the rope. The DM inadvertently encourages Sargassas to dump Iglar into the depths of the chasm. Sargassas hits the spider for 6. Ashta ponders many an option. The DM attempts to explain swarm mechanics, in a discussion that takes up a ludicrous amount of times.

Sargassas: Are these considered animals?
DM: Nope, they’re vermin.
Sargassas: Shit! Welp, my spells are useless. Till I get to domain level five and have Ice Storm. Cone of Cold. Acid Fog. Horrid Wilting…? ELEMENTAL SWARM?!
Ashta: I’m not even gonna waste an Electrical Loop on these things, so…
DM: (giggling madly) The swarm of spiders has defeated you!
Sargassas: No, we can just battle. Our melee attacks do half damage… half of fucking thirty!
DM: (blank stare)
Sargassas: What?
DM: What? Thirty? What?

Again, the concept of swarm traits confuses Sargassas to the point of FURY! It turns out spider swarms are immune to weapon damage!

Sargassas: NOBODY HAS AN AOE SPELL AT THIS LEVEL!
DM: You guys were defeated for lack of a flask of acid, or a flask of alchemist’s fire…
Sargassas: NO ONE HAS IT THOUGH!
Ralth: I have alchemist’s fire but there’s SOMEBODY IN IT!
Iglar: Would you kindly move out of the spiders?!
Ashta: I’m LEVITATING!

The swarm moves to chew on Ralth and Khoriane. 3 and 4 points of damage, but both pass the DC 11 Fort check. Iglar crits the other giant spider; the DM declares it dead without even rolling. Khoriane, not nauseated, flies away from the swarm. Ralth, also not nauseated, steps out of the swarm and hurls the flask into the swarm, slaying it. Ashta passes the secondary save of the poison. And then, because this incredibly long game has gone on to, like, midnight, the game comes to an end… after noticing the Monster Manual is open to the tarrasque.

DM: That’s ‘cause swarm is on the same page. One little copy-and-paste error in my dungeon notes, and, “Uh-oh, what are you guys fighting? I don’t know why I threw you at this, but it must be right, because here it is!”
Sargassas: …Wait, that fucking – the ultimate creature?