This morning I left the house particularly early in order to reach the court on time even if traffic or Metro delays slowed me down. Metro compensated for this by not only grossly mismanaging a broken-down train, but kicking me off my own train and running nothing but overcrowded trains after it, making me late anyway. Luckily I got there in time to not be considered non-attending, and thus have a warrant issued for my arrest.

The trial date is July 7th.

Intellectually I know there are substantial holes in the argument, that procedure was flawed, and that there is very substantially a "reasonable doubt" that I did not commit the crime I was accused of.

In my gut, I know that three people convinced themselves I committed the crime, and will testify that way no matter if it destroys my life, because they have to be right. In my gut, I know that nothing ever goes right.

My lawyer says I will probably be okay, and that even if I'm convicted, I likely won't receive jail time, but... nothing ever goes right.

If I'm convicted, that's bad enough. I'll have a crime permanently on my record, there for anyone who does a check to see. I can never hope to move to a better job, or advance in any way, or... anything, really. The rest of my life, I will have to worry about explaining that though I didn't commit a crime, I was convicted for one. It will make my life worse, for as long as I live.

If the worst comes to pass, and I'm jailed... it's game over. Literal game over, start again. I will have lost my job, and never again will I be able to get another one. I will have failed tigerphoenix, robbing her of her massage training and certification, robbing her of her future, letting her down utterly. My life will be not only ruined, but irredeemable, beyond recovery, and no longer livable.

I'm terrified. I am terrified and I will be spending the next month a slave to this terror as I desperately try to prepare for the worst. I have no hope and no cause for hope. I just don't know what to do. I just don't know how to go on.