dragonoflife | (no subject)

This morning I left the house particularly early in order to reach the court on time even if traffic or Metro delays slowed me down. Metro compensated for this by not only grossly mismanaging a broken-down train, but kicking me off my own train and running nothing but overcrowded trains after it, making me late anyway. Luckily I got there in time to not be considered non-attending, and thus have a warrant issued for my arrest.

The trial date is July 7th.

Intellectually I know there are substantial holes in the argument, that procedure was flawed, and that there is very substantially a "reasonable doubt" that I did not commit the crime I was accused of.

In my gut, I know that three people convinced themselves I committed the crime, and will testify that way no matter if it destroys my life, because they have to be right. In my gut, I know that nothing ever goes right.

My lawyer says I will probably be okay, and that even if I'm convicted, I likely won't receive jail time, but... nothing ever goes right.

If I'm convicted, that's bad enough. I'll have a crime permanently on my record, there for anyone who does a check to see. I can never hope to move to a better job, or advance in any way, or... anything, really. The rest of my life, I will have to worry about explaining that though I didn't commit a crime, I was convicted for one. It will make my life worse, for as long as I live.

If the worst comes to pass, and I'm jailed... it's game over. Literal game over, start again. I will have lost my job, and never again will I be able to get another one. I will have failed

tigerphoenix, robbing her of her massage training and certification, robbing her of her future, letting her down utterly. My life will be not only ruined, but irredeemable, beyond recovery, and no longer livable.

I'm terrified. I am terrified and I will be spending the next month a slave to this terror as I desperately try to prepare for the worst. I have no hope and no cause for hope. I just don't know what to do. I just don't know how to go on.

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*hugs*

SOMEDAY this will all be an amusing party story. I know it sure doesn't seem like it now, though.

I'm curious as to what you base your conclusion on.

Being old enough, and through enough UTTER TOTAL INESCAPABLE DOOM. (I do not exaggerate in the slightest) to remember that it eventually passes.

I wouldn't worry so much if it were only me being affected. It'd suck but I'd muddle through somehow. What terrifies me is the thought of

tigerphoenix losing everything -- especially just now, as she's doing so well in massage therapy classes and really enjoying them. I don't think I could ever live with letting her down like that, especially since I don't think I could ever give her the opportunity again.

I'm covered. I have people at school in my corner, and the president's willing to do whatever it takes to see that I graduate, even if it means giving me a leave of absence to work a burger joint until I have enough money to come back. He's said "Just let me know what's going on."

When Yvonne heard I was worried about having to drop out, she said, "Oh shit!"

Yeah, except you and I both know that we have no way whatsoever to make up any financial shortfall if I lose my job (or even my income for any length of time). You flipping burgers would (besides compounding my sense of failure) only provide for the bare necessities like your car payment, and god, mine too. We'd never find a way to spring the cash free to get you back into school.

*hugs* I'm thinking of you guys and hoping for the best. I hope your lawyer is ready to do battle against the forces of stupidity and schadenfreude!

I hope so too. Unfortunately, I know which of those sides is the infinitely stronger, which is why I have no hope.

I know that feeling of there being no possibility of justice. Keep fighting!
We're all hoping for the best.

If only the best weren't already impossible! All I can hope for now is that I'm not imprisoned, fired, or bankrupted!

You're suffering from a panic attack; you need to calm down. You're focusing on the worst case scenario and how helpless you are in the face of it. But if you're truly helpless, if there's nothing you can do, then you have to let go and wait until you have power to affect the situation again. Do things, even if they're as small and stupid as getting the laundry done or repairing that tear in your pants that has been bothering you forever. Don't waste this month just succumbing to terror.

Anyways, that aside, is this a misdemeanor or a felony? Misdemeanors mean very little in terms of employment, and after a certain amount of time you can get them expunged. Heck, you can even get felonies expunged if they're not too severe (and this one isn't). People who get into bar fights don't have their lives completely ruined. It'll be okay.

It's a misdemeanor. Yes, I am worried about the worst case scenario -- since this whole mess has been one from start to finish. And it's not one I have the power to affect at *all* -- at this point, whether or not I'm screwed is entirely up to *luck*, and you know how good my luck is.

This IS DC, background checks are done for EVERYTHING, and I don't need more negative marks against me if I ever want to advance. And this misdemeanor would disqualify me from every other full-time job I've ever worked...

(But your advice is wise and helpful, which leads me to ask... have you noticed that the two of us seem to have a weird resonance power that seems to increase our wisdom scores dramatically when helping and advising each other? I mean, I may be just crazy, but it SURE seems that way to me...)

You've a lot of nervous energy right now, and one of the best things I think you can do is follow

siliconrose's advice and maybe start doing things, any things, you can do to distract yourself.

During the day it's not so bad, night time staring at the ceiling or wall and letting your mind play is worst.

During my darkest times before heading to Alberta when my head tried to tell my heart I'd never come back, I spent a LOT of time working out, walking, and exercising. Not to unhealthy proportions, but in a manner that when it was time for bed I was tired enough to soon drift off to sleep instead of pacing the floor.

I wish I had some way to make it better, or do something positive--help in some way. But all I got is advice.