Monday morning means a game report!



I'm still working on my note-taking for the games. Most of the actual plot and action, I'm pulling out of my head as I remember it -- what I take notes on are the quotes. Which I realize I need to attribute better in those notes, so if I misquote someone I apologize. Still working on this whole 'report' thing!

That being said, onwards.

The characters:

Barack: Paladin and ruler of a domain. Eccentric but lovable(?). For about a year the multiple assassination attempts on him have been a running gag. "Die, tyrant!" is practically the campaign arc phrase.
Hendlar: Dwarven overthane of a domain. A warrior possessing a lightning-spitting axe. Not particularly wise. Cohorts include party-favorite Dirk, who at 3rd level managed to smash through a locked metal door without breaking a sweat, and priest Turgos, who is incredibly stupid.
Mal: Rogue and general shifty character. Has a ring of invisibility, of course; has previously lightened Barack's treasury, been kidnapped by the Thieves' Guild, started a war with the Haberdasher's Guild, and generally caused good-natured mischief.
Eirien: Elven sorceress and ruler. The quiet one of the group who you nonetheless don't want to anger.
Grandfather: Zany, elderly priest of Erik the nature god, who wanders the world under vows of Poverty and suchforth, gaining insane benefits in return. Constantly attempting to "maintain a relationship with a nymph" to gain a feat.

In our last adventure, Grandfather had been snuffed by Finger of Death during a battle with an evil arcane caster who'd summoned invincible but easily-outranged skeletons. This may have something to do with the DM dropping several obscure clues and prophecies to defeat the skeletons which Grandfather promptly made irrelevant with Locate Object. However, the DM had assured him that a resurrection would be forthcoming this session.

Barack: "Well, we've been through a lot and always survived up till now... I guess if one of us had to die, I'm glad it was the new guy."
Hendlar: (Referring to Barack's deity) Haelyn is going to come down and strip your paladinhood away.
DM: No, he'll use a paladin peeler. (miming potato peeler gestures)

Barack gave a long speech about finding a cleric, which was interrupted by the arrival of Matthias, his chamberlain, and also a halfling, a fact also exploited for humor to running gag status.

DM: Matthias bursts through the trap door. (As Matthias) "Sorry I'm late, sir, I ran as fast as my stubby little legs could carry me!"
Barack: "Matthias, I want you to switch classes to cleric... you have 24 hours."
DM: "Uh... I'll lay Grandfather in repose in the cathedral--"
Barack: "'Repose'?! Matthias, what have I told you about using big words for simple actions? Look, don't pose him, just lay him the way he is right now!"

The DM immediately splays his arms and tips his head back, adopting an expression of suffering and misery, to properly convey exactly what 'the way he is right now' is. The PCs nod in agreement.

Hendlar: "Grandfather would've wanted it this way."
Mal: "Except pull his lips up so he's smiling!"

The PCs discuss amongst themselves where they might find a cleric to raise Grandfather. Hendlar discovers he hasn't levelled up Turgos in forever, and sets about doing that -- only to actually look at the cohort's stats for the first time in forever.

Hendlar: *Wow*. Turgos is *stupid*! (Leafing through to the spells to check if a resurrection is possible) Ooh, reincarnation. Wanna come back as a badger?
DM: Hmm, let's see... lizardman... kobold... you come back as a halfling.
Grandfather: "YOU REINCARNATED ME, YOU BASTARDS!"

The PCs ultimately disperse to bed down for the night. Mal is approached by Mahlissa, a bard who Barack had saved from his own jail as a political prisoner, and who Mal infamously despises. This is due in no small part to Mahlissa's Performance specialty, which is Sarcasm. (In previous adventures she has in fact given bardsong bonuses to small groups of dwarves by ranting sarcastically about the 'virtues' of their opponents.) She has come to ask a favor of him -- she plans to return to the land she is wanted in, to spy for the PCs.

DM: Roll a Listen check.
Mal: Oh, after the events of today, I'm still awake... I decided it was best to put off sleep as long as possible.
DM: Well.. okay, roll.
Mal: 33.
DM: You hear a knocking at your door.
Mal: You made me roll to hear that?!
DM: In fairness the difficulty went down a *lot* when you said you were awake.
Barack: You still could have failed it though.
Hendlar: Yeah, if you'd rolled a one...
DM: You're listening at the window... to a concert out in the city... which is directly beneath your window for no good reason!

Mal: (after determining it IS Mahlissa) Does.... does she realize, I know out-of-character you know this, but in character, does she realize how much I hate her?
DM: "I've come to you because you're the only one I can count on to not try to stop me."
Mal: So, yeah.

Somewhere in all of this, the idea of grabbing a dwarf's beard to weaken him comes up:

DM: It's like grabbing a Saiyan's tail!

The next morning, Barack wakes up to discover an extremely old man in weather-stained robes snoring quietly in a chair in his bedroom. He discovers to his alarm that the old man is in fact a priest of Erik as well:

DM: "I've come to solve your corpse problem!"
Hendlar: (glares at Barack accusingly) What have you been doing?!
DM: "I'm going to borrow your chapel... now, onwards! And while we're walking... sing a song to Erik!"

The PCs look awkwardly amongst themselves, except for Eirien who cheerfully bursts into song.
Mal: "I like your bombasity, old man."

Using potent magics, the cleric transforms the cathedral into a forest glade, then raises Grandfather from the dead. He then bids the PCs drink from the pool he has summoned. Most of them agree without hesitation:

Grandfather: "Dying makes you really thirsty!"

Barack, however, requires a Knowledge(religion) check and some overt reassurance before he'll drink. Despite his concerns, the water proves nonpoisonous and quite invigorating. The old cleric then casts a spell that lifts the pool's water into a scrying circle.

Barack: "Old man, I don't know what was in that water you had us drink, but I am *seeing* some *shit!*"

Exposition occurs, as the old cleric explains that of the three forces the PCs face, if any two of them meet and battle, disaster will occur. The PCs are thoroughly dismayed by this, and the players take refuge in Krispy Kremes. Grandfather, who games by webcam, can only watch as they wave donuts in front of his display.

Grandfather: (finally snapping) I'll wait for you all to get heart attacks!

The PCs get a surprise, however: Barack's brother Will, a potent mage, appears before them, offering to turn his realm over to Barack in exchange for retaining control of the magic within them. He also promises to give them a surprise.

Mal: "All right, I have to ask. Barack... (referencing the other brother) Marack... and Will. What.. how did that come about?"
DM: "Our father named the first two children. Mom put her foot down when I was born."
Mal: "...Smart woman."
DM: "Now... I'll start working, so I can... (deepens voice) give you that surprise."
Hendlar: "Why did he say that all sexily?"
DM: "I'm sorry, I'm... not very good at ominous, I'm a good guy so I don't get to practice it much..."

While Will works, the PCs debate what they should be doing to solve their problems, something the DM refuses to lead them to. Given Grandfather's frequent castings of talk-to-God spells, the party suggests Barack do some communication with his patron to get some hints.

Barack: "Being a paladin isn't the same as being a cleric. A cleric you talk to your god... a paladin is basically God laying down a bunch of rules and you have to follow them..." (long rambling segue about communicating with deities) ...I use my banana phone to call God.

Will, it turns out, installed teleport circles so that the regents could easily travel between their lands. Eirien takes the first trip to the dwarven lands.

DM: You appear in the dwarven lands, in front of a startled group of dwarves. "Err... m'lady, welcome! We wair... kainda expectin' our Overthane, but.. er, welcome!" An oom-pah band bursts into what they probably consider to be an appropriate theme.
Eirien: I slap the crystal to go back!
DM: You return to Barack's realm.
Eirien: (looking at Hendlar) "You have GOT to improve your taste in music!!"
Hendlar: "Aww, thair's nothin' wrong with our bands, with all th' oompas and... loompas... ....yeah, all the lit'le orange fellah's runnin' about..."

Hendlar returns to his realm only to discover an ambassador from the orog people waiting. The orogs and the dwarves have long been at war, and only recently ended a conflict that taxed both sides severely, yet this orog actually seems intent on proposing peace. Hendlar debates with the orog for a while before noticing that the orog is wearing a dwarven-made belt. A long silence falls.

Barack: Is he still debating, or...?
DM: He's deciding if he stumbled on plot or just flavor text.
Hendlar: *Oh I know it's plot*!!

At dinner, what the DM claims to be a long-running plot point is abruptly resolved when literally the entire dwarven kingdom is poisoned by the Stainedbeard Clan, the clan in charge of foodstuffs and preparation. Hendlar and his cohorts make the saving throws, but thousands upon thousands of dwarves are crippled or slain by the poison's effects. Hendlar promptly sends word and requests for aid to his fellow monarchs, to their alarm.

Barack: "Okay... I want a quarantine around the portal area--"
Hendlar: Meanwhile -- "Everyone who's affected, get in the portal! (making throwing motions) I have a Wisdom of 8, I don't know what I'm doing! Get in there!"

The DM gives an entirely grim assessment of the results of the poisoning, to Hendlar's bitter dismay. Barack rises and picks up a chair.

Barack: We can tell the police he ran into the chair...

But all is not lost: Eirien and Barack make highly successful Diplomacy checks, swaying the people of their lands to immense levels of aid. It hurt not at all that the dwarven armies had recently defended Barack's capital from the undead...

DM: The outpouring of aid and help from the human and elven lands is elf-shaking! Er, earthshaking! ..Elfshaking, what the hell?

On that positive note and after an interrogation by Hendlar, we ended the session.