Oh no, 3d6 world! Last time, they’d been in a cave with a hand reaching in from out in the rain!

DM: The earth split and last you saw was your horses being led into a crack in the wall…

A simian-like humanoid with much description lurches in and speaks a word in Giant.

Brunt: What’s he saying?
DM: You speak Giant?
Brunt: Yes.
DM: “People!” And then lurches forward as another figure bangs out of the darkness and slams into his back. “’Ey! The hold-up?!” “People!” “People?!” “People!”
Brunt: Well, we know how to fix this problem now. Hunnerd gold…
DM: Those were ogres.
Brunt: Well, everyone speaks the language of hunnerd gold!

Giants pile up in the entrance, muttering about people. They aren’t subtle at all about their conversation, either because they don’t know someone understands Giant, or they’re stupid.

DM: “Wait, what people they?” “Uh… There green guy. There handsome guy…” “Ooh! Is there robey guy?” “Yeah, robey guy, he over there.” “What about dwarf?” “Dwarf there too.” “Ooh, that almost everybody. What about woman?”
Brunt: Oh, they’re specifically looking for us…
DM: “Woman? Me not see woman! Maybe it not them. Only four of them.”
Normilan: …are we huddling?
Brunt: I was about to speak to them, but if you want to…
Cruroar: (whispering incomprehensibly)
Brunt: I didn’t hear you.
Cruroar: “You understand them?”
DM: I thought you said ‘stab them’. And that would have been perfectly correct too!
Cruroar: “It looks like they’re looking for us.”
Brunt: “They are looking for us, but they don’t actually—“
DM: “YOU!” He grunts in Giant, pointing at the elf.
Brunt: “Him!”
DM: The question you do not understand, but Brunt does. “ARE YOU REALLY A WOMAN?”
Eilnys: (cracking up)
Brunt: “Shake your head ‘no’.”
Lucian: (does)
DM: “Huh. He says no.” “Do we believe him?” “Maybe we better check.” One of the giants steps in—
Brunt: (holding up a hand)
DM: -- but as Brunt holds up a hand, pauses.
Brunt: Put the subtitles at the bottom of what I’m saying, okay?
DM: (Adult Peanuts character noises)
Brunt: “Please pardon our intrusions, noble sirs. We did not mean to trespass on your shelter.”
DM: Roll a Diplomacy check.
Brunt: Aww fuck.
DM: Brunt no speaky words good!
Normilan: He knows pidgin Giant.
Brunt: 5.
DM: “He call us handsome sirs!” “He mocking us!”
Brunt: “No!”
Normilan: That’s what your 5 says!
DM: They’re aware of their own appearance and interpret you as having a laugh at their expense!
Brunt: THEY CAN SEE ME! MY CHARISMA IS 8!

They squabble over whether Brunt gleams or not; his Charisma is 1 higher than the giants’. The giants tell Brunt to move so they can check Lucian’s sex.

Brunt: This is tailor-made for you. Just drop your pants!
Lucian: I don’t know what they want, they’re just walking at me and reaching for me!
Brunt: “They want to know if you’re a woman, disrobe!”
Lucian: Thoomp!
DM: What armor are you wearing?
Lucian: A chain shirt.
DM: Well okay! “Huh… me THINK me see something there.”
Brunt: I knew he was – you motherfucker.
Normilan: In this party I’m the second most beautiful. With a 12! (to Cruroar) That’s why you’re the face!

They remember Giles, who actually has Normilan a little beat. The giant is convinced, and among them they question if they should tell their boss or not. Dawn takes them all, and stone to them. One of them apparently has an ogre-fetish?

DM: “How we decide?” “The same way we always decide?” “How we decide that?” “There only one way. Come on!” The giants begin to whip out an improvised game of rock-paper-scissors.
Cruroar: I wish I spoke Giant.
Normilan: This is one of the few times I’m sad I banned illusion from myself.

Brunt quickly explains, while the giants tie a hell of a lot, and Cruroar takes it on himself to interrupt while Brunt interprets. He gets their attention, and insists they try a new method of decision-making – which he pauses to think of and figure out what Knowledge giants fall under. (It’s Nature.) He quickly comes up with a bizarre variant of RPS which involves five wins over all other giants.

Cruroar: I’m trying to set it up so they’re constantly interrupting each other and each game doesn’t end.
Brunt: I really want to see where you’re going with this.
DM: Roll a quick Bluff check.
Cruroar: Things I’m good at! 36.
DM: You quickly have the giants enmeshed in a furious game where none of them seem to be able to throw at quite the same time. In fact it seems they’re split into two factions – one who believes it’s “1, 2, 3”, and the other who believe it’s, “1, 2, 3, shoot!” They seem unable to agree on this and in fact their argument is rapidly becoming angrier.

They ponder their escape, then remember the rain. Cruroar decides to tell them they need to count to 4, scaring them.

DM: The game they then lapse into is now even MORE argumentative and bordering on the edge of violent, as there now is the cadre of giants who are throwing on 4, the cadre of giants who are throwing on ‘shoot’ after 4, and giants who can’t count to 4. And three of them seem to be constantly switching parties at any given time.

They plan an escape or something, and are midway through loading up the cart when a giant wins SOMEHOW! And immediately says they shouldn’t bother the boss.

Normilan: Oh.
DM: “This not them. Also them would try to kill us, not teach us. We thank you for teaching.”
Cruroar: “It is of course no problem.”
DM: “Me say we play again, that practice—“ “SHUT UP!”

The giants start a fire and settle around it, roasting up some goat and offering a share to the PCs, as well as asking if they’ve seen themselves but with Tasha.

Brunt: What about Quirion?
Normilan: “Quirion, they left you out!”
DM: “I’m fine with that…” They leave Giles out too but no one remembers him.

The giants consider their next move and lapse into more games to decide what it should be. Cruroar proposes uglying himself up.

Brunt: Put a fake beard on me…
Lucian: I now look like a grey elf! I’m a wood elf, but I disguise myself as a grey elf!
DM: Can you live with yourself like that?
Lucian: No…

The game lapses into memories of the RoshamBoot, infuriating Lucian who demands to get away with nonsense like that. By now the PCs feel like they’re not in much danger – from the giants, anyway, who reveal that “Big Red” sent them. The PCs are shocked that the Gatekeeper, apparently, is out for them! Nonetheless, the two groups share goat and spices with each other.

Brunt: This is not how you were thinking this was going to go, I take it.
DM: I 100% thought you guys were gonna diplomatize them instead of fight them.
Brunt: But if I just happened not to be able to speak Giant, how was this going to go?
Cruroar: It’s hard to say.
Normilan: I think we could have taken them.
Eilnys: We would have been stuffed in sacks.

The DM insists the sole goal in Bloodborne is slapping a wolf to death, shocking and baffling the other.

DM: The sight of a goat head being crushed whole between a giant’s molars may haunt you for the rest of your lives…
Brunt: They’ve seen me do things, it can’t be any worse than that.
DM: They’ve seen people disappear behind your shield and when you lean back, it’s salsa.

The giants sleep without posting a watch, because they’re not adventurers. The PCs awkwardly look around, wondering if any of them will save the group by slitting all the giants’ throats in their sleep. They wake up before the giants, however, and ditch them to continue on their journey. The road is muddy and miserable, leading them to wish for spells to make their travel easier.

Lucian: Is there a spell you can superheat the ground with and make it all evaporate?
DM: Yeah, that’s a brilliant idea. Superheat the ground.
Normilan: Yeah! Let’s also get the spell that salts the earth!

The path takes them alongside a river much deeper in the canyon, running heavy with rainwater. It gets weird.

Normilan: ‘Sandward, when did you start following us?’
DM: ‘I’ve been stalking you for ages! Revenge will be mine! But since you called me by my proper name, all is forgiven.’
Normilan: ‘Aww, thanks, Sandwich.’

They invade Russia during the winter, and up ahead spot a wooden bridge leading across the canyon. Immediately deciding there are ogres or worse, they approach with immense suspicion. Normilan and Lucian fail to get along. They reach the edge of the bridge!

Lucian: Because Lucian has no wisdom nor intelligence, he’s just gonna keep on walking.
Normilan: Normilan, sadly, with also low Wisdom is like, ‘That sounds like a good idea.’
Lucian: We’re just running along, he’s like, ‘Oh, a bridge, whatever.’
Normilan: ‘Why would they put a bridge out here that’s not safe?’
Cruroar: “We should plan out stuff before we head across the bridge, maybe get a good look on the other side—“
Normilan: “What?”
Cruroar: “And they’re already crossing the bridge.”

The Bobbsey Twins plummet through the bridge, and the group grumbles about the DM’s use of bridges in his campaigns. Everyone but Cruroar hears a pair of splashes as the two tumble down the cliff into the river.

Cruroar: That’s when the crocs come and rip you apart.
Normilan: “Oh. There was no bridge. I should have seen that.”
DM: You lift your heads out of the river, clinging to rocks to keep from washing away. You see, clearly, that there is a figure standing on the bank beneath where the bridge was, sneering at you, that appears to be a massive dwarf of all things. A full 12 feet high with blazing red hair and coal-black skin—
Normilan: Oh, a fire giant.

The DM, going to draw a map, discovers something that sprays glitter everywhere. He warns the group. Cruroar takes it and promptly sprays glitter everywhere, apparently having heard none of the warning. The long slow path of miniature selection begins. The DM laboriously constructs a cart out of an outhouse and barstools; it is awesome right up until Normilan takes a dump in it, and then they toss it away. The group plans and discusses, openly copping to it being out of character. The players also vow to quit the campaign entirely if Glimmer ever dies.

Brunt: He’s like our little baby Metroid. We don’t want him to die.

Giles is first to act, and moves to take a shot at the giant for three damage. A wall of fire erupts to seal the path off, and it’s definitely real!

Brunt: I don’t think this is something fire giants can do!
Cruroar: It’s not that high-level a spell, and a lot of creatures can do it as a spell-like ability, so I would not be surprised.
DM: You all take a whopping 4 fire damage.
Brunt: Do you associate giants with illusions? I don’t!
Cruroar: This thing might be something else…

Normilan and Lucian are called on to roll Spot checks, and they notice a figure descending through the illusion to hover just beneath it. The DM plops a mini down.

Brunt: A djinn.
Lucian: That’s awesome though.
Brunt: Makes sense, being partnered by a fire giant.
Normilan: Did you make this encounter just because we got this mini?
DM: No! It just worked out conveniently!

Normilan casts a spell for flight, and Lucian Shadow Jaunts away. He attempts to claim that’s a free action and the DM nearly kills him. Eilnys hurriedly calms the horses down before they can bolt with the cart.

DM: It’s the fire giant’s turn. He looks at the wings sprouting from your body, then sneers and steps forward.
Lucian: Doesn’t the water hurt him?
DM: No! The good news is, you get an attack of opportunity.
Cruroar: He’s grappling you! He’s going for a hug!
Brunt: Why is he not swinging the greatsword?
DM: Because Normilan sprouted wings. Roll your opposed Strength check!
Brunt: Really.
Normilan: Natural 20.
DM: Sadly, you still lose, even though he rolled a 4. He has a +25 to his grapple.

The players, who complain the DM doesn’t roll, now complain that they are asked to roll. Cruroar attempts to dispel the wall of fire, but fails. They angrily cast shade on Tasha for dying just before they could actually use her ice axe!

Normilan: ‘Frost Brand?! When’d you get that?!’
DM: Hey, if Brunt can body slam this thing into the cliff you’ll have djinn on the rocks!
Cruroar: Oh my god, I need – if somebody can put in the house a big “Days Since Last Pun”. It would just be eternally 0.
DM: Yeah. You put up a 0, Cruroar. That’s what you’ve done.

Brunt stands in the fire until he dies. Then he elects to jump down and eat the damage, suddenly finding himself plummeting past the djinn. The DM permits him to act on the genie; he goes for the bull rush!

DM: I will let you bull rush him straight down if you desire. You must make opposed Strength checks!

After some rule debates, Brunt rolls a 28 – beating the djinn so brutally he hurls the thing 25 feet straight down and dungeoncrashes it into the riverbed!

Brunt: All right – I’ll go ahead and call us even for the last several combats you’ve deleted me from. Because now I just suicide-mountained this fucker!
Cruroar: You know what sucks?
Brunt: What?
Cruroar: None of us saw it.
Brunt: Oh.
Normilan: I did.
Brunt: He’s not a braggart. I AM! 42 damage. That went way, way better than I thought it would.

Giles goes to shoot the giant – through a wall of fire and into the grapple, as is pointed out, so instead he moves away from it.

DM: That over there is up.
Normilan: That’s up?
DM: That’s further up the hills.
Normilan: Gotcha.
DM: That’s the flat path that the cart was on.
Normilan: You didn’t draw any lines that would indicate it…
DM: I didn’t expect you would go that way! I’m sorry.
Cruroar: There’s a big fire wall, I don’t know what you thought we were going to do.
DM: Dispel it.
Cruroar: I TRIED! I tried.

A scorching ray zings Brunt for 14, then he passes a save against Reduce. Normilan activates Dimension Stride Boots to teleport out of the grapple. Lucian misses the giant after much, much ado about moving. Eilnys leaps down to join the fray! The fire giant swings at Brunt, who shrugs and gives himself up for dead even as the giant strikes him only once. Cruroar smashes the fire wall with a dispel. Brunt sets up to play dominoes with their enemies, using his feats to bowl over the efreet into the river but not dropping the fire giant. Normilan starts adding monsters to his list of polymorphables.

DM: Fire giants have… no less than 15 Hit Dice. It’s gonna be a while.
Cruroar: Ha ha, NO LESS!
Brunt: By that time you’ll be facing elder dragons…
Normilan: I’ll almost have a spell that turns me into one.

The efreet polymorphs into a hydra! Normilan immediately grumbles and polymorphs into a hydra for a kaiju-fight.

DM: Well, fuck you, Normilan, I don’t have another hydra miniature.
Cruroar: Grab the chimera! It has less heads!
DM: Okay, Lucian! You’re seeing some shit down there, man!

Lucian fires into the fray a lot, and then fire giant is up!

DM: The fire giant looks at his various opponents.
Lucian: And because this is how the DM plays, he’s going to turn, jump across the river, and attack me.
DM: I am not Nergigante.

The giant challenges the group: who wants to die? Brunt takes on the challenge, and takes 25 damage from its swing. Cruroar dispels the efreet’s polymorph. It gets weird.

DM: Leave me and my horehound alone.

The group starts to wonder what these guys are getting out of the attack, as Giles wades into the fray with maces and the rest of the group cries at the DM’s puns.

DM: The efreet draws himself up, looks around at you. “He who efreets and runs away, lives to efreet another day.” And vanishes.
Brunt: Fuck off! Fuck off.
Cruroar:(laughing)
Normilan: “Thanks for the form!”
Cruroar: I would have loved it if he did that and did a teleport with failure, and got the uber failure. Didn’t disappear, just in a wall. ‘Aaaaaah!’

Cruroar recognizes Plane Shift with his Spellcraft, while Normilan goes to town on the fire giant. He rolls really well.

DM: That’s very good rolling. It’s statistically abnormal. You weighted die user…
Cruroar: He just called you a cheater. That’s a deuce on his bed.
DM: Hey, with the number of times he’s called me a hack…
Normilan: It’s deserving.
DM: Wait –

Lucian shoots and Eilnys rages, crits, and prompts the giant to desperately try to kill one to earn glory in the afterlife.

DM: What’s your armor class, Giles?
Giles: 22.
DM: That’s what I thought.
Normilan: Did you crit twice?!
DM: I didn’t crit.
Brunt: But he hit all three.

The first hit drops Giles to -9, so the giant cleaves Eilnys for 39, then 41, then a miss – luckily, since any hit at all would have killed her. Cruroar hurriedly saves Giles’ ass with a wand and passes him a snorkel so he can stay down.

Cruroar: Now I’m gonna do Bluff. “Um, didn’t make it guys. You’re gonna pay for this, fire giant!”
DM: You guys don’t know he’s bluffing, you’re convinced Giles is dead.
Cruroar: I’m trying to give them the signal!
Normilan: We don’t HAVE a signal.

It gets weird.

Cruroar: Suicide is a free action!
DM: I’m remembering that rule for you guys. You always have that action.
Cruroar: It’s always available!
DM: You sure you wanna give Normilan that out? He’s been gunning for himself for months now.
Normilan: I’ve got a noose in my backpack!
Brunt: Room for one more?

They encourage Quirion to leap down and heal them, causing him to immediately die and float away, or get swept away by a breeze. Brunt claims the killing blow by impaling him on his sword, leaving the giant to collapse.

Brunt: Oh it’s selfie time! I killed something!

The adventure is, of course, over at this point, as inexplicably they have all died. Normilan kills them all for food apparently. How will they deal with their situation? Find out next time!