The Pathfinder Playtest is out and the group has elected to participate! New characters are generated, new rules learned, and a new adventuring party assembled. We start with a character role-call!

Brogar: Oh. Shit. Names.
Drengar: Oh. Fuck. Yeah. Not read, apparently. Uh, Goltyr.
DM: I thought you said ‘gold here’.
Brogar: Nodix. I pronounce it ‘Novix’ but you’ve been hearing me say ‘Nodix’ for like a year.
Drengar: Drengar Forgeborn,
Joann: It’s either…Jan… Joy…
Drengar: It’s a name you came up with, why can’t you pronounce it?
Joann: I pulled it off the halfling name generator. It’s spelled like ‘Joanne’ but it’s not… It’s W-I-R-I.
Lorenil: Lorenil Moonbeam. It’s elven!
Brogar: Pass.
Drengar: Pass… Goldbludgeon.
Brogar: I like Goldbludgeon.
DM: What about Maus? Build a name off of the books back there.
Mylris: And I am Mylris.
Drengar: Are you dwarven too?
Mylris: No, I’m elven.
Brogar: Oh, so are there a bunch of letters in the name that you’re just not pronouncing.
Mylris: It’s the short version.
Brogar: When you just said those two syllables and let it go, I was like, ‘Wait, this is not Mylris! It’s a Skrull impersonating him!’
DM: You find yourselves, after a long trek through the sewers, at the entrance to the Ashen Ossuary. Lair of Darkes, the Taker, and the oppressed mudchewer tribe. You were sent here on a mission by Kullrie Deveren, aristocrat and scholar, living in Madclar. She’s run into a problem: when going to the basement to find the Star, a relic of her family, she finds it has been stolen. In her basement, where the Star of Desinee was kept, was a goblin!

The tired adventurers take a moment to rest and introduce themselves, but having just done that, no roleplaying ensues at all. They attempt to deprive a poor old monk of his walking stick. Then, minis having been gathered, they plop them onto the battle map! (They have nice glossy playtest maps.)

Brogar: We’re here for a Macguffin, right?
Drengar: A Star. A medallion! That was taken!
Brogar: From the Mudchewers?
DM: Damp sewer passages have led to a slimy cistern that stinks of decay. On the norther edge of the circular chamber lies a pile of burnt ones in front of a scorch mark.
Mylris: “That’s not suspicious in the slightest.”
Drengar: “Aye, scorch marks usually mean something bad tends to happen.”
Mylris: “What about this trap door in the center?”
DM: The charred tunnel entrance to the north side of the cistern – to the actual location, some years ago a fire broke out in the vault, burning much of the ash… incinerating it, giving it its current name. The cistern outside the vault has not hold much water in several decades, owing to the broken drain in the center. What remains is a number of slimy, fetid pools and a layer of muck on the floor. Informed from the goblin she captured, the Mudchewer goblins use this area to dispose of bones and food scraps and other waste. It draws the attention of very nasty people. You can see, barely moving in one of the cesspools, and ooze, feasting on some of the bones
Brogar: (as the DM puts down a water elemental mini) That’s quite a healthy-looking ooze!
DM: It doesn’t seem to have noticed you. It appears to be focused on its task: eating.
Brogar: (in a suspicious tone of voice) Can I sneak attack the ooze?
DM: (for some reason taking this question seriously) He has not noticed you. You can try.
Brogar: Okay. I’m going to hide behind that guy right there for full sneak-attack damage -- (unable to keep a straight face any more)
DM: Stop!
Brogar: I’m gonna use my disguise kit to get my flanking bonus!
Mylris: I hide behind my disguise kit!
Brogar: It’s like an Oriental screen he carries around and hides behind it!

Mylris moves forward to provide screening for the party, provoking the ooze incidentally. Initiative! Joann acts first, and the party encourages him to lob a bomb. He whips out bottled lightning and beans the ooze, dealing electricity damage and leaving it flat-footed. Lorenil uses the Telekinetic Projectile – then they have to back up as the new quirks of the action system catches up and they remember Joann has two more actions. Actually only one more because he had to use Interact to draw the bottles, so he pulls out his crossbow. Then Lorenil casts her spell, beaning the ooze with a rock. The ooze is immune to crits, spoiling their joy at somewhat easier criticals in this rule set.

DM: It’s gonna move next to you… So everyone but her…
Drengar: We get slimed!
DM: Builds up a bunch of noxious gases in the body of its slimy, and poofs out a wave of filthy… filth.
Drengar: Filthy filth!

Reflex saves are rolled; Mylris critically fails, most others fail. Acid damage and slimy gook harm and hinder them all, and Mylris gets knocked down and bitchslapped hard, enduring a crit. Luckily, in the playtest, starting HP values are higher. Mylris stands, raises his shield, then bashes the slime for 7.

DM: Another powerful gash as more slime seems to get torn off him, splashing to the ground and joining the fetid pool. His mass seems to have lessened, seems to have shrunk in size. Description-wise, not, you know. Brogar, what will you do?
Brogar: Stand up, clean up.
Mylris: Stand up for your rights.

They point out Brogar doesn’t actually need to clean himself to get in range, so instead he moves forward and pops the thing. Joann misses, then hits! Another Telekinetic Projectile slays the slime, and victory is theirs! Drengar heals Mylris.

Mylris: I’m going to give the drain a sharp strike with my boot, to test if there’s anything beneath that might be relevant.
Drengar: Poop and bone.
Brogar: Deadly puddings.
DM: It shakes. A large amount of goop flies up on your leg.
Mylris: That seems physically unlikely, at best.

The hall out of this room is dark, so darkvision, torches, dancing light spells, and light spells all crash into the fray. They slooooowly head around the corner, but Lorenil has wandered off, so they waste time. They’re looking into a scorched long chamber, with niches in the walls and central pillars. Some goblins lurk at the far end, apparently residents here, working on some sort of project.

Drengar: Ah, the foozball table.
DM: They seem to be building a statue out of garbage, mud, twine, and bits and pieces of wood. It’s not going well.

Mylris moves forward, raising his hand in a gesture of parlay. The goblins immediately roll initiative. Drengar tries to find a good voice for goblins on a voice-changing app; they apparently settle on ‘singing chipmunks’. A goblin promptly feathers Mylris with an arrow. Lorenil fires Magic Missiles into the fray, trying to figure out what she rolls to attack (spoilers: still nothing. Her magic slays a goblin! Another goblin snipes at Mylris, but fails to hit his AC. Joann shoots!

Joann: Ah ha ha ha. Hrrr. 1 damage.
Lorenil: Seriously>

Mylris beans a goblin for 10 damage, apparently causing his warhammer to turn into a longsword for the decapitation. Mylris takes a blow to his shield, which is actually a mechanical thing in this system! It gets dented. Brogar attacks for 2! Drengar misses and is missed in turn.

DM: You’re able, sensing the foe behind you, you’re able to clash against his dogslicer and catch it!
Drengar: Gimme that.
DM: Lorenil, it’s your turn. There are two foes remaining.
Mylris: Cantrip the shit out of them.
Lorenil: I’m going to cantrip the shit out of them with my Telekinetic Projectile.

Boy does she. Joann is up!

Joann: I’m going to throw a… A uh… An archemist fire.
Mylris: Sorry, Drengar and Brogar…
DM: I wouldn’t probably do that…
Brogar: No no no, do it.
Drengar: It’ll be funny.
Brogar: Pathfinder needs this feedback.
Mylris: “Don’t let Joann play.”

They slaughter the goblins, and determine the goblins have been using the bedholes. Perception checks are rolled; Lorenil delivers a nat-20, as is her wont. Their thorough search turn up a ring, a potion, and an owlbear claw.

Lorenil: Oh, why does it have to be owlbears?
Brogar: Is that the dungeon boss? Owlbear skeleton?
Drengar: A healing potion?
DM: Minor healing potion.
Mylris: Unfortunately, I’m a blacksmith, so that won’t work on me.
Brogar: What?
Mylris: I’m not a miner.

A long pause, broken only by exasperated sighs. The DM strips Mylris of his Hero Points. There are several side rooms, so they move to search them, entering first a ransacked burial vault with four dead goblins within.

Mylris: By chance, are these undead?
DM: You can check the bodies with a Medicine check.
Joann: Oooh, Medicine! I got Medic—oh, wow, I rolled a 2, I’m not seeing jack shit.
Drengar: I rolled a 4. 9, is all I got.

Brogar finally hits the check, discovering the goblins have a single hole in them which has drained them of blood.

Drengar: ‘I think this is its duodenum.’
Joann: Vampires!
Brogar: Vampire owlbears!
DM: Single hole, single hole.
Brogar: A single-toothed vampire.
Joann: Kinky vampires.
Mylris: Leeches. DIRE leeches.
Lorenil: Stirges!
Joann: People with weird fetishes!
Drengar: Toothless vampire with a straw!

They check the next room, and find 6 giant centipedes! The DM pauses to find miniatures that will work for these beasts, dropping down such interesting things as a giant disembodied hand.

Mylris: They’re going to centi-impede our progress!
DM: I need to give you a minus for these bad puns.
Drengar: (caresses Mylris)
Mylris: …uncomfortable.
Drengar: (jabbing Mylris in the stomach)
Mylris: Aaah!
Drengar: Let your guard down!
Mylris: It was worth it to get you to stop!

The centipedes don’t attack, though. Mylris makes back-up gestures, and then he and Brogar get into a fierce argument over whether or not Brogar should go in and get a better look.

Mylris: Warhammer is a shove weapon!
Drengar: I have a warhammer too! We can shove each other at the same time!
Mylris: But as part of the shove action you can move after someone you shoved! How would that work if it happened simultaneously? We rip into two….

They investigate the last room, only to find mystery fungus stretching to the ceiling! No one has Nature skills. They get into another argument over whether or not they should back up.

Brogar: ‘Why would we back out? Is there some kind of demon outsider cat in there or something?’
Mylris: ‘Yes, it’s making a circle.’
Brogar: ‘Is it a high-level enemy way deep into the dungeon after we’ve already been whittled down?’
Drengar: ‘Don’t be so meta about it.’
Mylris: That thing was only 3 over your CR, I don’t know what you’re complaining about. And you killed it.
Brogar: We did no such thing!
Mylris: Yes you did! Grandfather did some Grandfather bullshit and wiped it.
Drengar: That’s not beating it. That’s just erasing it. Hitting the reset button on it.
Brogar: Well, we damn sure didn’t get credit for it.
Mylris: Yes you did! Just after the campaign was over.

The DM sets up the next room, including fancy new door minis that even open and close. Mylris picks one up and sticks the mini they’d been using for the ooze through it.

Mylris: Look, this ooze is on a forest moon!

Silence.

Mylris: It’s in-door.

Several extremely pained sighs. The DM threatens to quit. The PCs hear dripping water, and a large visage of a woman’s face cries polluted water into a fetid pool. A Religion check determines the woman to be Lamashtu, an evil goddess.

Mylris: “Who puts this in the sewer? Disgusting.”
Drengar: “Where else would you put filth?”
DM: What are you gonna do about it?
Brogar: Ha ha ha! The DM’s just like, ‘What are you going to do about it?!’

Mylris refuses to desecrate the figure, out of a belief that even dark gods must be respected as gods, and instead goes to look in the pool. They encounter the Pirates of Dark Water, and their opposites, the Ninjas of Light Fire.

Joann: I don’t understand either of those jokes..

Competent rollers manage to spot an unholy idol on the bottom of the pool. They contemplate how to get it out, between telekinetically hurling and a grappling hook. The DM calls for a Thievery check, so they fob it off onto Joann, who promptly rolls terribly.

DM: Your tool reaches out. You are able to wrench it up but it’s about to fall. Do you reach out to try to catch it before it falls back into the liquid?

A long pause.

Brogar: I will.
Mylris: You’re chaotic neutral.
Joann: Yes, I will.
Brogar: Then he’s got it. CURSED!

Joann’s touch causes the idol to break. Quasits emerge from the broken idol, and initiative! They are very zippy; one acts quickly, turning into a wolf and knocking Drengar down (after some debate over exactly what ‘knockdown’ means as an attack trait. Worse yet, Drengar is poisoned!

Mylris: What are you – that’s your class DC. Hit points are one below.
Drengar: Oh, whoops
Mylris: You don’t lose magic power from that bite…

Then the DM determines there’s no poison anyway! The other quasit attacks Joann with an actually poisonous attack, Mylris raises his shield and attacks, missing the first but landing the second even with a penalty. Brogar and Mylris get into a long debate over whethere he Flurries first and Strikes second, or the other way around, Brogar Detects AC at 14. Lorenil blasts the one still-quasit one off the map, then gets a cat to swat dice around. It’s super-cute. Joann tries to throw flasks into melee, but ends up macing it. Some more blows are exchanged, and Mylris wards off damage with his shield, but is knocked down! He promptly stands back up and wallops the thing!

Brogar: Kick… in your demonic SPINE!
DM: Two damage?
Brogar: Yeah.

They fill a crevice with their mighty juiiiiiiiiiiice. Joann plinks a quasit for 2 damage, and eats poison damage from being poisoned.

DM: Your venom enters Stage Two.
Joann: Anyone have an antidote? Jesus.
DM: The creature, sensing its own weakness and its own mortality, transforms back into its original form.

The quasit wants to escape, but Brogar is in the way. So the quasit casts Fear on him!

Brogar: Well, it’s not a critical failure. That would make me dive down the well.
DM: You’re frightened 2.
Brogar: Frightened 2.
DM: I don’t know what that does.
Drengar: It’s… the frightened thing, for 2.
DM: That explains everything. Thank you, Drengar.

It means a penalty equal to the value for checks and saving throws. Which means he’s still blocking the path. Mylris barely misses a crit, but hammers the quasit into the ground nonetheless. With cake to eat, the game is over, except for people karate-chopping each other like Miss Piggy. Look, I don’t know.