Since a player wandered in and no one was prepared, the DM of the Elemental Evil campaign grabs a module to run as a one-off. Thus as an ALTERNATE CONTINUITY the group heads for a castle or something. The new character, Koryn, joins up somehow.

Zurgas: Of course, the Indians refer to her as ‘mayze’.
Devotion: Aaaaah. (sighing) That’s beneath you. Because you had to do a little mental hurdle to get there. Although I went there too…
Zurgas: Yeah, it was corny and not amazing.
Koryn: Oh Jesus.
Faerun: Aaaah I just got that!

Devotion angrily challenges Zurgas to make a pun-based class; Zurgas points out that already exists in The Order of the Stick. The DM gets massively distracted by Darkman.

DM: It seems like forever since you entered this boggy, stinking swamp. Your progress has been slow and your route twisted by many fetid pools, deadfalls, and occasional combat with the denizens of the swamp. The insects whine around your ears. You’re soaked from having to wade through mucky ponds and a constant drizzle. But up ahead the marsh opens up to reveal a low hill in the middle of a shallow lake. The hill is home to a few scraggly, dead-looking trees, but they are dwarfed by a tower of black stone.

There’s the adventure! A platform and winch awaits, with a basket that can lift people to the top. Turbis climbs up to get to the bucket, only for Faerun to climb as well. A Perception check spots a sleeping goblin!

Faerun: Would it be a big problem to shimmy over there?
DM: You are on top of the tower with Turbis, you climbed it.
Faerun: Oh okay, so at the very top, he’s like up there in the battlements,
DM: Yes. You and Turbis made it up, everyone else is taking the ‘rickety winch and basket’ route.
Faerun: Faerun will give Turbis a quick ranger hand sign for ‘goblin’.

Faerun walks over and places the blade of his sword against the goblin’s neck. The goblin has a nightmare at this exact moment and surges upwards!

Faerun: Sorry, guys, I was trying to be cool…

Actually the goblin DOES surge up on waking, and impales himself. Faerun, a murderer, bemoans his life choices.

Devotion: Press X to murder.
Houz: Hold on. When I get there, I press F. I’m showing my respects.

Stirges erupt in a swarm! Initiative occurs, and they determine that Zurgas is on the ground, Koryn is in the basket, and everyone else is up top. Houz fires his light crossbow.

Houz: That’s no good. That’s a 14.
DM: It just hits.
Zurgas: Wait, you got a +8 to that? That’s awesome.
Houz: Oh, I’m at 12, sorry. My addition is bad.
DM: A 12 does not hit.

Turbis winches successfully. Faerun promptly crits and annihilates a stirge, plus two more with an AOE spell attached to his arrow. Houz encourages Koryn to use nonproficient weapons while Zug-zug kills a stirge. Koryn hides, then misses!

DM: Turbis!
Turbis: Is there a minotaur in my bucket?
DM: There’s a minotaur in your bucket,
Zurgas: Roll a BIG Strength check. Just the sides of the bucket go up…
Devotion: The long-awaited successor to Monster In My Pocket, Minotaur In My Bucket,

The DM realizes the striges never attacked, and shrugs. She’s in a hurry tonight. Perception checks are called for!

Koryn: Perceptor! (rolling) Doesn’t see SHIT!
DM: (howling with laughter) CRITICAL FAILURE!
Devotion: Cover your receptors, Perceptor.
Koryn: What a horrible spy! I can’t see nothing, I can’t hide from anything!

Even sadder, the DC was only five. They find a trap door, extensively point it out to Koryn, and then persuade her to check for traps. Koryn claims to have a +12 to the skill.

Koryn: I have 4, +2 I’m proficient, times two.
Zurgas: If it doubles your proficiency bonus for your skill it’s ONLY the proficiency bonus.
Koryn: Doesn’t say proficiency, it says double it… now I’m not sure.
Houz: Oh no! Don’t look it up, Zurgas! You’re gonna get that whole ‘I told you so’ face, I fucking hate that face. God damn it. So annoying.
Zurgas: Expertise: Your proficiency bonus is doubled for any ability check.
Houz: THERE IT IS! THERE IT FUCKING IS! THE FUCKING FACE, EVERY TIME!

Helpless laughter covers Koryn disarming the trap, and down they go into a wrecked bedroom. Another door leads to a slimy ruined privy!

Zurgas: “Don’t use the bathroom. Any of you. Fortunately, in the minotaur empire, we’re taught to hold it as long as necessary.”
Koryn: “’Cuz you’re a bunch of dogs.”
Zurgas: “How does THAT work? We’re obviously bovine in heritage. At least make the OBVIOUS references.”
DM: You stuck your head in?
Zurgas: Yes.
DM: A slime fell on you.
Zurgas: That’s annoying.
Koryn: It’s one of those anime slimes that eats only your clothing.

Initiative! Nightshirt mocking! Faerun, up first, does the only thing he knows and fires an arrow at the slime. And misses. Zurgas heaves such a deep sigh that his initiative is terrible. Physical weapons don’t work on the slime, and the DM openly tells them to use spells – so Turbis fires an arrow at it.

DM: It’s time to be a real big-man cleric and cast some spells.
Zeith: I don’t need to roll for Inflict Wounds. Yeah! Inflict Wounds!
Zurgas: It’s a touch spell as well.
Zeith: Oh shit.

Zeith eats acid damage, as does Zurgas, but the slime dies. Having already dealt with the slime, Zurgas checks the slime room and finds – absolutely nothing. On they go, into the rotted library! Turbis finds a secret panel built into the floor, which they believe is not trapped – it covers loot, including a key.

Zurgas: If only we had a monk in this party.
Devotion: If only monks weren’t useless.
Zurgas: Hey, they can use ki.

A very long pause.

DM: 10000 YEARS DUNGEON!

Down they head into a magically-lit room that seemed to once belong to a young girl, but now stinks from whatever its current inhabitants are. They find a cockatrice chained to a bedpost – the most sinister trap! Not because it can do anything, but because this poses an unpleasant ethical question. Do they free it, leave it chained up, or slay it? This conversation takes several (unentertaining to transcribe) minutes before they decide.

Faerun: All right, Faerun gives it one more piece of meat, and when it bends down, he neatly chops off its head.
DM: Well…
Houz: It’s probably a little harder than that…

The group surrounds it and beats the cockatrice to death. There’s another room on this floor, which holds a table covered in recent filth – and four goblins at it!

Turbis: “Hi!”
Zurgas: “You people are disgusting.”
DM: “BLAEEEEAAAAEEEH!”
Zurgas: “And—and that’s just more proof.”

Initiative! Faerun slays a goblin, making them yell more. Houz rolls a die stupidly, is given a reroll, and rolls even worse than before. He takes 5 shortbow damage in exchange.

Zurgas: Stride up to one and give it a horning, and miss! Because my rolling is terrible tonight!
DM: Stop using that die.
Zurgas: I’ve switched dice three times by now, DM.
DM: (handing him a die) Here, try again. You’ve been blessed.
Zurgas: 6. I still miss. I’m just – not in the zone tonight.
Zeith: Your heart is not in the cards.
DM: GET IN THE CARDS!

The DM arbitrarily rules he hits and slays a goblin! The last goblin swiftly dies as well, so they loot. Onwards they go into the main hall! The front doors are blocked, the tower having sank over time and allowed mud and filth in, with water soaking the ground. A giant spider menaces them! A snake emerges from the water! A fray erupts; Turbis critical fails and lobs a weapon across the room, then crits and slays the snake. They cut down the spider’s webby victims for loot. On they head, finding the trash heap of the tower; it stinks.

DM: There is something slithering around in there.
Zeith: Ooh, I’m gonna do a Perception check – roll well! NO I rolled a natural 1! I didn’t see jack.
Turbis: You see a gold piece in it!

Most everyone else sees a carrion crawler! Koryn is first to act.

Koryn: All right, um. The refuse pile… can I hide from this thing?
DM: Are you gonna jump in the poop?
Koryn: I mean, is there anything I can hide behind?
Devotion: Jump in Zurgas’s mouth and stay there.
Koryn: A 23… Shooting my bow does 8 damage. God, I should have been a halfling.
Zurgas: You should have been a minotaur!
Koryn: Yes, a rogue minotaur.
Zurgas: In the minotaur empire, the rogues are so good you can’t prove they exist. Ever seen one?
Koryn: I could’ve been Lixxix.

Houz fires into the fray, then Krixxix rolls a natural one and breaks his horn, making it useless till he gets a heal. This causes a long discussion about what spell to use to fix it; Zeith keeps trying to cast ‘Healing Wounds’ despite it not existing and not being prepared, but Zeith is also convinced Zurgas is bleeding out. Devotion complains about worthless Medicine. How to pronounce and spell Faerun’s name becomes a furious argument for all. The DM claims the carrior crawler missed, though no one actually heard it attack or move. Zurgas halberds it to death.

DM: Are you going to dig through the refuse pile?
Zeith: I AM!
Zurgas: Roll vs. disease.
Turbis: Do you have shovel?
Zeith: Um – I do not have a shovel, but I have a crowbar.
Turbis: You can’t shovel shit with a crowbar!

Zeith finds 8 gold pieces. The group unanimously agrees he can keep them. Zeith retroactively get naked to do this search, horrifying all. On they head again, finding one more wrecked room with a noble’s seal on the wall! Also 5 goblins and a wolfhound.

Zurgas: “Your friends are dead. Will you join them?”
DM: “BYEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!” I love making that noise.
Devotion: That’s a yes.

Initiative! Devotion blasts a goblin.

Zeith: Do you want a brown drink? Does anyone want a brown drink?
Zurgas: No! Stop saying that.

Koryn hides, misses, and concludes life is saying ‘don’t be a rogue’. Zurgas lumbers forward and manages to hit for once. The DM rules he kills two of them, for no clear reason. Faerun shoots the warg!

Zurgas: If you cast Stoneskin on it, you get a thousand gold.

Silence.

Zurgas: Because you warg hard for the money.

Silence, except for Devotion’s weary sigh. The DM continues to scream at the top of her lungs for every vocalization of the goblins, because she hates the transcriber as does everyone. The battle continues, quick and uninteresting, till another goblin strides into combat and promptly sees his minion getting the shit critted out of it by Zurgas. He whacks Zurgas in turn, Faerun fires into the fray… A goblin gets entangled by vines thanks to Turbis’s manipulations. The final goblin is promoted to Waluigi, and is promptly slayed by Faerun gratuitously overkilling him. Loot! They move into the next room, in which a storeroom has been remade into a throne room for the high goblin Waluigi, and so they loot the place!

Zeith: Is there poop? Do I need to dive through poop?
DM: No, you don’t!
Zeith: Whew!

They find the noble’s sigil chiseled into the wall, which proves to be a secret door. But the hour is late, so the DM concludes here.