Zurgas: We open with Turbis pooping. He did not go upstairs for this, and everyone was sad.
DM: You see a bear, does it shit in the woods, suddenly the basement is the woods. You’re in the woods now, Zeith.
Zeith: Put some paper towels down!
DM: What if it’s a big wet juicy one?
Zeith: I hope it’s not wet.

Yes, this is definitely podcast-worthy. The group, triumphant over the three gnolls and a flind, finds treasure! The DM tells them what their gems are, because the group asks. Some magic items fall into their possession as well: a stone of good luck, a wand of magic missile, and a circlet of blasting.

Houz: What’s a Circlet of Blasting?
Devotion: It’s for construction.

The items are distributed. In 5E a wand of magic missile can be used by anyone, so the group actually has to consider who gets it.

Zurgas: Seems like it should go to the bard. So he can be useful.
Devotion, Zeith, DM: Damn.
DM: That’s cold, dude.
Turbis: Bards are good in 5th Edition, leave them alone.

Zeith continues to angrily shame Zug-zug for his voice, as the others defend him. They review their quest long, and a passing reference to Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson leads Houz to shout one of his favorite phrases.

Houz: By god, that goblin had a family! He had a family!
Zurgas: By god, Chris Benoit had a family – oh wait
Houz: Ooooh.
DM: HAD a family. Too soon!
Zurgas: How long ago was that?! Too soon my ass!
Zug-zug: I’m gonna make sure to not roll a 1 again, so Chris Benoit references don’t come out again.

Off they go, further on to the place of strange goings-on. The DM calls for Perception checks, and rolling them at least some of them spot a stone door in a hill, ajar. Devotion confusedly demands to know where he’s heard Zurgas’s exact character concept before; Zurgas reminds him he’d played this character the LAST time they tried to play the Elemental Evil campaign. A rock whizzes past Zurgas’s had.

Houz: “Who threw that rock?”
Zurgas: “I’ve got a better weapon. Whoever threw that rock better come out, lest they face it.”
Houz: That’s when a boulder flies out.

Faerun goes to check the door for tracks, having completely failed to process any of this. Zurgas spots a half-ogre!

Faerun: Should I roll something?
Turbis: A half-ogre appeared, Faerun…
DM: Yeah, you can roll a tumble check to avoid that second rock…
Zurgas: This is where Faerun walks off camera, you hear a BA-DUNG, and he walks back accordioning.
Devotion: This is where we realize the half-ogres are his friends!
Faerun: Wait, we saw a door with an inscription on it, and then there was a bunch of screwing around, and some of that actually happened in the game?
Zurgas: There was NO screwing around, actually! For a change!

Initiative results, and the DM wades into the fray in the form of her monsters to roll incredibly against, well, everyone.

DM: Oh my god, I need to stop rolling so well – STOP! I kill my own son!
Zeith: I have seven hit points.
Devotion: Left or total.
Zeith: Total. I rolled very low.

The entire group pauses to explain that you don’t roll for hit points at first level. Zeith takes a few explanations to get that, then is baffled as to when they changed that rule (3rd edition).

Devotion: It’s to prevent level 1 wipes… like this. Like this is about to be.
Zurgas: Yes, so you can stand up to a housecat.
Devotion: A housecat?!
Zurgas: Housecat vs. commoner was one of the big battles of 3rd edition.
DM: Because the housecat could win.
Zurgas: Easily.

Somewhere in there, Zurgas crits the half-ogre, then Devotion launches Sacred Flame thataway, followed by Houz’s crossbow bolt. Houz gets shot by the goblin, taking 2 points of damage, and then Zurgas slays the half-ogre with a horn hit. The goblin gibbers. Somehow a side joke leads into a fierce and angry desire to play Shadowrun.

Devotion: We never get to run! Or do runs. We run into Turbis’s informant Shitstain…
Turbis: How do you remember that?!
Devotion: Because I love Shadowrun, and you guys axe the campaign every time!

The stone door is open enough for a small character to shimmy through. Everyone immediately looks at Zug-zug.

Zug-zug: “Shit.”
Turbis: “Why don’t you put some muscle into it, minotaur?”
Zurgas: ‘Because it said a small character should shimmy through.’
DM: And if he pops a vein, he’s dead.

Zug-zug sneaks in… poorly. Inside, he finds a passage running into the hill. Rusted wheels are wedged into the door as an alarm! This leads to a run of confusion as to how to deal with this wedged-trap, since Zug-zu is small and pathetic and Zurgas is outside. A grappling hook finally solves the problem, and they head down into the hill to find a stone-block table in a large room, with a rusted-shut iron door leading further.

Houz: I make my way to the door, try to listen and see if I hear anything on the other side.
DM: As soon as you touch the door, a ghostly male figure kind of (making drifting noises and motions) out of it.
Houz: I back up?
DM: “What are you doing here?”
Zurgas: I’ll interpose myself between the sorcerer and the figure.
DM: Well, he doesn’t seem inclined to attack right off.
Zurgas: Nevertheless.
Houz: “We’re investigating the strange goings-on here.”
DM: “I know nothing of that.”
Houz: “What’s going on on the other side of this door?”
DM: “My master lies in repose. Such as it is.”
Houz: (gasping) That’s the word! That’s the word I THOUGHT you were talking about! Repast! Repose! That’s the word! I knew there was a word for resting! Done! I heard my word!

Houz walks off, while Zurgas laughs himself to tears. The ghost demands they leave! Some negotiation occurs, but not effectively – the ghost listens to no reason or argument to allow them to further investigate. The DM adds that it’s a minor noble not even named in the module, which somewhat diminishes their conviction that this is something important. Zurgas goes on a rules-lawerly argument that the ghost ignores, then interrupts with their last warning. The DM is clearly reluctant to attack them, even as the PCs babble at the spectre; they finally take off.

Zurgas: Let us camp outside and see if we can observe whatever disturbance the townspeople have reported.
Houz: ‘There’s just this ghost pissing us off, telling us to leave!’
Zurgas: It may be that…

Houz begins cutting a cake. Zurgas hurriedly warns him to cut the cake into eighths, not sixths. Houz declares he has this, then stares at the cake, wondering how he’d managed to cut it into sixths. They get mauled by weird Street Fighter dinosaurs. The group begins discussion the interesting conundrum that campy Batman crossovers pose. Adhering to their plan to rest and keep watch, they sleep the night away – till Turbis sees strange movement in the morning mists!

Turbis: “Awaken! Awaken! Beasts of the sky!”
Zurgas: ‘What’s that, boy? Timmy fell down the well?’ I surge out of my tent!
DM: The tent comes with you. Hanging from your horns.
Zurgas: Damn! Why didn’t I get a good minotaur tent?
Devotion: You’ve wasted your action surge on your tent.
Zurgas: I didn’t even have one!
DM: Zurgas is wearing a brand-new headdress made from his tent.
Zurgas: The gods themselves mock me, but I’ll not be deterred…

Zeith begins donning armor, taking five minutes to do so. The mechanics of armor-donning are brought up, along with the fact that there’s no penalty to sleeping in armor in 5E.

Zurgas: No time for armor!
DM: A very naked minotaur wearing a tent.
Zurgas: I wear clothing!
DM: Since when?!
Zurgas: I have a nightshirt! What would you EXPECT me to have?!
Zeith: But no pants.
DM: But no pants.
Zurgas: It goes down to my knees! You know if I was wearing a kilt, you’d be all, ‘oh a kilt is manly!’ But no, I’m wearing a nightshirt.
Houz: A night………. Shirt?
Zurgas: YES! God damn it, Houz, is this another thing you haven’t heard of?!
Houz: No! I’m just saying – really? I know what it is, I’m just saying, really? You broke out a nightshirt? Last night, before we went to camp, after you finished your watch, took your armor off, you were like, ‘You know what? I’m gonna get my nightshirt on!’ You thought about this moment and put your nightshirt on.
Zurgas: Damn straight.
Houz: God damn it.
Zurgas: What was I supposed to do, walk around in the altogether?!
Turbis: Question is, does he have a stocking cap…
Houz: You have a tent! Why are you wearing other clothing?!
Zurgas: I’ve got a tent ON MY HEAD!
DM: Now it is!

No one can find a picture of a minotaur in a nightshirt on the internet, which is kind of weird. The nightshirt continues to be a source of weird anger to the group, and how many nipples a minotaur has is a source of much debate. After some time, they identify the sky creatures as aaracokra, and call out greetings!

Faerun: “How’s about coming down for some breakfast?”
Devotion: We’re not eating eggs, are we…?
Zurgas: If we’re not in combat I’m going to be taking my tent off my head.

The DM questions if anyone speaks Auran – and it turns out Houz does, or rather, he speaks Primordial which covers all elemental tongues. A painful amount of squawking torments the transcriber, but they’ve come in peace, and are searching for Elemental Evil cultists! They swap information. A painful amount of squawking torments the transcriber.

Zurgas: “Well, we can take word of this strange tomb back to the town. They might wish to know about it to avoid this place. However, I do not think these flying… bird-men…”
DM and Devotion: Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirman!
Zurgas: “Or bird-boy… are quite what they had in mind.”
Houz: “I doubt it as well. Perhaps it’d be best for them to find a powerful cleric to usurp this area, cleanse it of its ghosts.”

A very long pause.

Houz: Probably better than us.
Faerun: “Or perhaps just close the door to the grave and put a sign up.”
Devotion: (laughing) This quest was solved by shutting a door!

The group designs the new template “X-with-Y-in-its-mouth”, then imagine just how horrible a dog with bees in its mouth would be. Real Bioshock stuff.

Zurgas: Dragons with beholders in their mouths, when they use their breath weapon they shoot beholders at you?
Houz: Whole beholders?! Jesus! How many per breath?
Zurgas: 1d10+3. Ah, 8 beholders fly out at you.

They check their quest log, but Houz really does put up a warning sign. They add onto it in every language they have.

Houz: I like the idea of the archdemon coming in, like, ‘Oh, good thing they put a sign there. Whew!’ Just moves on past the door.

The mimes promptly head into the door. On they head to Lance Rock! Zurgas attempts to get the rangers to find the way, what with their nature savvy and all.

Zurgas: “Once long ago, the minotaur people struggled to navigate at night. However, we were taught by a great dragon. He always told us, ‘to the shtars!’”
Devotion: Was he the last one?
Zurgas: ‘Not according to the sequels, but they were direct to video.’

The group envisions the extremely unlikely sea battle that Zurgas’s proficiencies open up for them. Turbis passes over the extremely awesome picture he drew of Zurgas in a nightshirt.

Zurgas: You’ve succeeded where the internet has failed, and that’s not something everyone can say.
Devotion: Do they refer to that fashion trend as a moo-moo?
Zurgas: Give the man inspiration, DM.

Faerun abruptly realizes where he’s heard his character’s name before: Forgotten Realms Faerun, or as Zurgas puts it, the armpit of D&D. Zurgas spends an extreme amount of time bitching about the Sword Coast. They end up back in Red Larch, which was on the way, and spend a night resting and warning the town of the tomb.

Houz: Four young kids and a dog come out. ‘We’ll investigate this ghost!’
DM: Rhoooosot!
Zurgas: ‘Let’s find out who this ghost really is! ….Szass Tam?! That seems unlikely!’

They aggressively carouse. And win a lot, except for Zug-zug, who wakes up unconscious and mugged in an alley. The constable gets mad at them siphoning off the wealth of the town and tries to get them back on the road.

Zug-zug: “Did anyone turn me into a frog? Why is my head hurting?!”
Devotion: Why does your mind immediately go to, ‘I have a headache so I must have been a frog’? What kind of life do you live?!
Zug-zug: “Not a good one, let’s put it that way.”

Zug-zug had been turned into a frog in the past. Faerun has wandered off to tell stories to his children, so he is mocked. They argue if Lance Rock is a gay bar or a porn star, and attempt to go there again, despite the DM constantly sending them to the bandit camp that is on the way. The game dissolves into bitter recriminations over missing players, who keep screwing up games in progress.

Zurgas: Of all the aspects of my character that I thought you guys would hate, his bedclothes were NOT one of them, I have to say.
Devotion: I don’t think he HATES your nightshirt, but you have to admit the kind of ridiculous imagery that a minotaur in a nightshirt conjures.
Zurgas: What SHOULD he wear!? Gimp clothes!?

Zurgas begins asking: “Has Science Gone Too Far?” He is dubbed to be evidence of science going too far. At last they resume the game, finding a bandit camp. Bandits huddle around a fire, while a bear is in a cage nearby. Turbis sneaks over to free the bear.

DM: The bear is grateful, and lumbers into the camp. “Roooooaaar!” “Oh shit it’s loose! Didn’t you latch the cage right?!”
Zurgas: “Let us STRIKE!”

Into the fray! Initiative! A flurry of uninteresting bandit slaughter occurs. It swiftly gets weird.

DM: The one that Zurgas hit is brutally murdered by Faerun and his crossbow bolt.
Devotion: Horn bolt combo.
DM: Or hog – I mean dog.
Faerun: Horny dog.
DM: Uh-oh.
Zurgas: ‘Get this thing off my leg. …now get this thing off my bagpipes.’]

Devotion fires off so much Sacred Flame that a cleric rave erupts. Zurgas fails an attack, but shoves a bandit into the fire.

Zurgas: “In the minotaur empire, we BURN trash.”
DM: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
Faerun: Faerun rolls a 12, also missing!
DM: No no, he’s dead!
Devotion: Create water! Create water!

The bandits are down, and so the PCs move to investigate the cave the bandits had been camping outside. It has loot in it! They find a sword which demands they return it to Seacrest. Zurgas blathers on about his empire, as is his wont. Once again, they set off for Lance Rock.

Devotion: How many more sessions do we have before you have to be put down like the mad dog you are?
Zurgas: What?! I’ve been nothing but a beneficial presence to this land!
Devotion: But how many sessions more when you are no longer a beneficial presence, when you runs out of necks to step on.
Houz: I swear to god, when the minotaurs finally arrive he’s going to be in jail with the rest of us. ‘You’ve become too much like the natives. To jail with you.’
Zurgas: ‘It’s a fair cop.’
Houz: That’s when the colonel of this world comes in and talks to him.
Turbis: Colonel of the world.
Devotion: Colonel of the world!
Zurgas: I want that position!

They make a drinking game based on Zurgas. It kills them. They reach a ravine, and find tracks of boots. They determinedly enter into it and descend, at which point the DM calls for initiative as STIRGES attack! Faerun rolls a 1.

Faerun: He climbs into the crevasse and slides all the way down…
DM: There’s a small swarm of things flying about in this cave! They look kind of like bats.
Zurgas: Stirges!
DM: Thank you for reading my stuff.
Zurgas: I didn’t read your stuff!
DM: Thank you for reading that!
Zurgas: I didn’t read that either! What other flying swarming things that were in here the previous time we ran this campaign would be here?
DM: Bats!
Zurgas: We wouldn’t roll initiative against bats…

Zug-zug slays a stirge, Zurgas goes to town, and then the minotaur gets crit by a stirge!

DM: Four points of damage!
Turbis: All your blood has been drained!

Devotion laughs wonderfully at how Zurgas’s player is a victim of sucking instead of a cause. Zeith blasts a stirge, Houz slays another, Faerun shoots one off Devotion’s head, and then Zurgas takes more damage. Another stirge dies.

DM: You have murdered the tiny –
Zurgas: Help…
DM: Once it’s dead, it falls off.
Zurgas: And the wound goes away?
DM: Well, no.
Zurgas: Well, there you go.
Houz: Staunch that wound. It can’t be staunched! Hobble him!

Everyone envisions sucking Zurgas’s blood, as he woozily declares victory. He gets healing, as he much needs at this point.

Zurgas: “Whoa, that was… you have my thanks, kind friend.”
Zeith: He’s not in slow-mo any more.
Devotion: What have I done?
Faerun: What else is in this crevasse?
DM: A whole lot of nothing.
Devotion: So fill it! With your mighty –

They attempt to level up. They don’t. Extremely weird arguments erupt, the nature of which are pretty impossible to parse thanks to everyone yelling all at once, but Zurgas gets abused. The group is entirely baffled as to where all these tracks came from and went to.

DM: It’s not MY fault the adventure doesn’t give you the answer you want! I’m sorry!

It isn’t Lance Rock, apparently – it was yet another thing on the way to Lance Rock, to the baffled confusion of the group. Somewhat cynically, they declare themselves on the way to Lance Rock, yet again, and are immediately stopped by the DM declaring they must camp. With Lance Rock on the agenda for next time, the game ends here!