Last time they had finished a battle! So they explain what battle it was to all the people who don’t remember. Ellerian is dismissive of Greyhawk.

Ellerian: I had a character go to the Free City of Greyhawk once. As soon as he got in a chimera got loose and started rampaging through the streets.
C: I didn’t know Greyhawk was a city.
Ellerian: They beat it up and they he got free vouchers from a clown.

Ellerian drinks life force, while the other characters attend to Jack and Ragnor. Tonight, Ragnor is played by a player not ordinarily part of this game! Sable, meanwhile, has charged off after the two fleeing archers.

Sable: I have one question, DM.
DM: I have one answer.
Sable: Well, I will ask it anyway. Sable has low-light vision but if it gets too dim she will have to break out a sunrod.

That isn’t a question. Erik asks the others to tend to the wounded, as he leaps on his eidolon to try to catch up with Sable.

DM: Jack looks up at you. “I think your friends have the right idea! We’ve got to pursue them.”
Ellerian: “They’ll catch up or not.” Oh wait, he’s probably speaking Common, isn’t he. I I refuse to acknowledge his babbling.
Erik: The one guy has 6 hit points left. Probably need to heal him.

Ragnor complains that Ellerian always hates on his characters no matter what he does.

DM: “Wait a minute! What happened to Simon?”
Ellerian: What DID happen to Simon?
DM: What DID happen?
Sable: Simon had a few hit points so he tagged along. And he was in the back of the party.
DM: No, he told you to leave him behind.
Sable: But then you said he was mobile because he had a few hit points.
DM: I didn’t say he was moving.
Erik: Of course, I had to leave, the only talkative person besides the one that doesn’t speak Common.
DM: “The Banglasharan you saw when you came in – did you see one?”

Long silence.

Erik: One of you guys answer!

A very long silence. Every single PC present refuses to answer, though only Ellerian’s reasons are clear.

DM: Jack runs off in the direction you guys came from.
Ellerian: “What was that about?”
C: (to Ragnor) That guy was awesome before, you gotta live up to that. Well, he was awesome because his rolling was awesome.

Ellerian keeps trying to find out why the guy ran off; Bex tells him to learn some Common. Sable, meanwhile, is catching up; the DM notes that everyone else is standing around. Ellerian elects to follow Sable and Erik.

DM: You trot.
Ellerian: I double-move!
Sable: Sable took after the ones who ran away since she was fighting them, and since they ran, she pursued them.
Ellerian: Out of character, I know. In-character -- (shrug!)
Sable: You would have seen her taking after them!
Ellerian: But I was asking why the other guy took off! And I guess he’s heading to catch them. So clearly, I better follow.
DM: But he didn’t go in the same direction.
Erik: He went in the other direction, he’s heading towards his ally, the guy we passed.
Ellerian: Well, no offense to those guys, but I’m going after OUR comrades.

Ellerian and the DM begin a long and extensive debate as to just how his movement speed should be categorized, while Nobix tries to remember why they’re in the sewers. Then Ellerian insists he’s keeping an eye for suspicious or unusual stuff as he moves, leading to FURTHER debate as to his speed.

DM: Apparently everyone else is standing around.

Nobix goes, but everyone else is on their phones. The DM gets on his phone.

DM: No one cares.
Ellerian: What do you MEAN ‘no one cares’?! The DM’s like, ‘the only person who cares is the one person I don’t care if he cares.’
DM: You are assumed, sir.
Ellerian: (mishearing) I’m stupid!?
DM: Sure, why not.

By DM fiat the characters stroll on down. More debate ensues on Ellerian’s speed.

Ragnar: (gasping for breath) “Don’t worry… I’ll catch up with you… Keep moving…”
Ellerian: Did Ragnar sound like that before?
DM: Sure!
Ragnar: (really stupid voice) “Don’t worry about me, guys! Keep following!”
DM: You’re fired. Give me your character sheet.
Ellerian: I was getting into it!
DM: Sable, you’re probably within a hundred feet or so when you notice they take up a rope ladder and begin climbing up.
Sable: What else is there, is there a light from there? How do I see this a hundred feet ahead?
DM: …..Eh. You gonna ask details?
Erik: They had torches.
Sable: I’m just curious—
DM: I’m trying to move things along here.

Sable, reasoning that they will pull up the ladder, moves to grab it and hope they don’t cut it. She debates for a moment whether she should climb it, but reasons that would get her attacked (though the DM contemplates making her roll Wisdom).

DM: You take ahold of the ladder.
Sable: Actually, she’s going to give it a good jerk, to see if she can jerk anybody down.
Ellerian: At this point, I arrive, since Sable wanted a big jerk!

C offers a rare show of approval for the joke. Sable rolls a Strength check, but fails to roll a nat-20 to get both of them Stooge-stuck in the opening. Sable and the men wrestle with the ladder for a bit. Anda begins approaching, so Sable allows herself to be pulled up!

Ellerian: We’re gonna come back to a Sable doppelganger.
Nobix: Don’t worry, you’ve got a foolproof method to find out if it’s Sable or not.
Ellerian: It’s true, I do! The real Sable sure as hell can’t withstand a Color Spray.
DM: What’s your AC these days?
Sable: Is it flat-footed on a ladder?
DM: ….That’s a good question.

Rules checks begin. Sable scrambles up the ladder, so the DM calls for initiative. Deftly she tumbles through the threatened area, just as Anda reaches the base of the rope ladder.

Sable: Sable offers them a chance to surrender. “Drop your weapons and no harm witll come to you!”
DM: Considering that you just slaughtered all of their friends, even if you were going to make a Diplomacy roll that would fail miserably.

Erik leaps off Anda to get up the ladder, stops below the entrance, and fires a warning shot.

Erik: “Freeze! Don’t make us kill you!”
C: ‘Freeeeeze…. Turn Gotham to iiiiice…’
Erik: I don’t really have Intimidate, but I’m gonna roll Intimidate and shoot a warning shot. You want to make me roll for the warning shot, since I’m trying to miss?
DM: Um.

Erik rolls a mere 15, and gets no responses from the NPCs (of course). The DM calls for Sable’s CMD; Sable has no idea what that is, despite it being on her sheet and calculated by Roll20. Then Nobix pipes up for much the same. Sable gets an AOO and lands it, detecting AC at 17.

Sable: Aww. Because it was right on their AC it must have been just a graze, because it was 5 damage only,
DM: It was a decent cut, but a graze is definitely a better description of it as they both attempt to Tumble past you and continue on down the hall.
Sable: Oh, they tumbled past me and kept going? Man, I wish I had Grease right now.

The PCs move to give chase; Erik, fortunately, is Small and does not drag his face along the top of the tunnel while riding Anda.

Nobix: I believe I’m trying to scramble up the ladder?
Ellerian: How’d you get there?!
DM: He’s on his way. Unless Ellerian’s actually moving at a decent clip.
Ellerian: I said I’m only slowing down if I see something that requires further observation!
Erik: Everything required further observation. Every move action you make required a Perception..
Ellerian: A firefly!
DM: You were distracted by this human stuff.
Ellerian: ‘Eww. Eww. Eww.’
Erik: You moved 30 feet and had to clean yourself, every time.
C: All the wall pixels look like loose stones, you had to check every one.
DM: Meanwhile Nobix busts past ya, guy in a wheelchair busts past ya, guy on crutches…
Ellerian: They’ll be sorry when I find the RED key!

Sable recognizes her charging was foolish. Somehow, Ellerian ends up last at the ladder as the group recompiles, and they put C to use tracking the blood.

Sable: Can Anda climb?
Ellerian: Yes. Don’t ask questions.
DM: It’s like when the donkey follows you everywhere, don’t ever ask that question and how. Just assume it did.
Aliarra: Hey! You ruled I lost my donkey!
DM: Did I one time?
C: Yep.
Ellerian: Yes!
DM: I’m sorry. Anda’s gone.
Ellerian: To be fair, we hadn’t noticed it for about 20 sessions and there had been several teleports…
C: Anda will hang out with Dogmeat in the forever limbo of glitched-out questlines.

Bex attempts to jump straight up 20 feet rather than climb the ladder. They determine the DC to be 80. Bex doesn’t do that.

Ellerian: Look, if you want to Michael Jordan it straight vertical…
Erik: Even the basketball rim’s not that high up.
DM: It is to me, I’m so short.
Sable: 2 Michael Jordans, and one of them will make it.
Ellerian: By devouring the other in midair, to gain his power.
DM: How does that work?!
Ellerian: Look, I don’t understand basketball rules. There’s something like dribble and travel and I don’t know this shit.
Erik: …what the fuck are you talking about? What the fuck are you talking about?!
DM: All I know is, it’s the squeakiest game around.

The group collapses into formation, with Bex fretting about hit points the entire time. No one will heal Ragnor, so the DM permits him to have a potion on his person, which he promptly drinks.

Ragnor: “I’m still alive! I feel much better!”
Ellerian: His voice changed again…
DM: Ragnor has been known among the guards to be a man of many voices.
Erik: I sense a retcon.

C sings about filthy sewers to the tune of the Star-Spangled Banner, which gets everyone doing it. They collapse into a single body for RPG convenience, and burst into the mountain theme from FFIV, which has been this group’s universal travel tune for the entire history of the group.

DM: You pass quite a few intersections but fortunately C is able to follow the pathway.
Ellerian: You’ve just got a straw that stretches to your mouth going… (slurping) ‘oh, not this way’…
C: You’re the slurpy one.
Morzan: Slurpee!
C: 32 ounces.
Ellerian: I’m a Big Gulp, you bastard.

They turn a corner and see an opening at the far end, along with light! With some discussion, they send Bex ahead to scout; his head rolls back down the hallway moments later. C is shocked.

C: Mullets later?!
Erik: Mullets?
C: No, no, I’m just hearing what I want to hear…

Sneaking forward, Bex hears a language he does not understand. As always, he lists all the languages he understands; this does not change the fact. Refusing to expose himself quite sensibly, Bex reports back to the group.

DM: You meander back to your comrades, not able to get a good look into the room, sadly, but enough to know there are people in there.
Ellerian: Bex is coming back very casually, it must be okay.
DM: Meander probably wasn’t the best word…

Bex gives them what he knows: people speaking a language he doesn’t know. He insists on explaining it in Common, even as the DM points out he’s being a jerk like Ellerian. They plan to send Sable in to wedge the door, except there is no door. Ellerian offers preemptive Enlarges, which Sable and Morzan take him up on.

DM: Mmm, clog the doorway with your people!
C: Then they’ll run out of arrows.

Ellerian attempts to advance the plot, only for C to insist he can’t understand them. Sable moves to break down the door, which as we have established does not exist. An argument erupts over Bowser vs. the Boswer Kids which, inevitable as the dawn, ends with Ellerian dead. The DM refuses to give bonus experience to Ellerian for paper towel fetching, unsurprisingly. A cat shows up to berate the players for all standing up, which said cat dislikes. They drop miniatures onto the map in preparation. Nobix complains about being unable to see the game mat, to which they reply that the mat isn’t ready yet!

Erik: I’m assuming the first Steamed Hams you ever make will just be Morzan not liking Steamed Hams.
Ellerian: “Steamed Hams but my wife kills me in the middle of making it.” ‘Isometric exercise! Care to—‘ black screen.
DM: It’s a masterpiece already.

They at last get a hint at the map! A large raised area is in the center of this very large room, with a fire beneath a grate heating a very large cauldron above it. Mooks and wererats face them on the ground, archers have a vantage on them from ledges along the back walls, and in the middle of it is an ettin! Initiative erupts! They step into the doorway, the two ready sides facing off at last!

DM: The ettin casts a baleful eye among you all, and one of the heads speaks up. “The skinflint sent you, eh? Gonna get rid of the rejects, I bet. Things not going in his favor. That’s fine. I’ll show him what for.” Ellerian, you and Ragnor will start out the conflict?

The nearest enemies are conveniently aligned in just such a way that they cannot be efficiently Color Sprayed, to Ellerian’s annoyance. They send Ragnor after a wererat because his weapon is silver. He beans the wererat and promptly gives it 10 more hit points somehow.

DM: Oh well!
Ragnor: That’s just how it happened, sorry folks!

Erik and Anda charge into the fray, and Erik lobs a Grease spell, dropping one guy to the floor while Anda attacks. Bex is up, but Nobix hears his name and charges on ahead verbally despite every effort to restrain him; they finally have to shout him down, the poor bastard.

Ellerian: Jump in and shank that wererat and you can get sneak attack dice on him ‘cuz he’s prone.
Sable: ‘Shank’, what a great word.
Erik: You have a silver dagger?
Bex: I have a silver double-blade sword.
Ellerian: That’s an exotic weapon…
Bex: I spent money on it.
C: But can you use it?
DM: You might have to take the exotic weapon feat…

The group complains about exotic weapons not being worth the feat, and they determine Bex is vigorously nonproficient. C is baffled that everyone has silver weapons, having somehow missed every shopping opportunity in the game. Deploying his retconned katana, Bex hits the wererat. Sable and Morzan are up, so Sable moves up to whack the prone wererat.

Ellerian: You know, if you ever put barding on Anda, Anda will get arrested as soon as you go out in public.
Erik: Oh god…
Ellerian: She’d be appearing in her Anda-wear.
Erik: (deep breaths)

Morzan heads in to the other side and swings over Ragnar to attack the one he’s dueling with, striking it capably! Now Nobix is at last up, moving in to plug a guy.

Ellerian: He’s baffled! A strange cylinder has just caused him great harm for reasons unknown!
C: NOT for reasons unknown. I told you. He went in on company orders to shoot that thing.
Erik: Which destroyed my crew, AND your expensive church.
C: Church? This is a church?
Ellerian: (interlacing his fingers) THIS IS A STEEPLE!
Nobix: I’m gonna go ahead and load a paper cartridge…

The enemies avoid the Grease, sadly, and begin pummeling Nobix. One succeeds; the other promptly gets his sword stuck in the wall!

C: Oh no. I mean, yay!
DM: DC 20 Strength check to pull it out?! Good god, he got it in there good! The other one… he doesn’t know what Anda is! Move him towards Anda.

Anda gets an AOO, but the enemy actually HITS, to the DM’s shock and delight.

Erik: Unfortunately, DM, I have some bad news for you. Since you never hit him, you would have never known. He has DR 20.
DM: You are banned from my game.
Erik: Yes!
Ellerian: Now the archers riddle us with arrows.
DM: Yay! That’s my favorite part.
Ellerian: We get Dirked!
Sable: Wait, what archers?

The DM attempts to roll dice, but promptly is unable to find them; he is chided for his completely dark and dull dice. Sable gets shot, and then the ettin kicks over the cauldron! A massive cone of boiling ichor pours out over the battlefield, and saving throws ensue for all. Everyone else passes…

Sable: Well, she rolls a 9, so I assume she gets creamed like a baby seal.
Ellerian: All the stuff came out and hit Sable.
DM: Well, you are dead center, so it kind of makes sense.

The ettin’s antics have also killed some of its allies, but also put down a horrific blocker that interferes with everyone’s movements massively. C lands a hit!

Ellerian: You failed to SEIZE up!
Erik: Oh maaaaan.
DM: I need to stab someone. Probably Ellerian.
C: I roll 0 damage.
Erik: That’s impossible.
C: It’s not impossible, I used to bulls-eye whomp rats in a – 5 damage.

Ellerian fires a Color Spray into a pair of mooks, rendering one useless. Ellerian attempts to Mind Trick the DM into making the other fail, but the DM somehow manages to agree with the mind trick and then assign a +3 that cancels out the effort, without even being aware he is doing so. The DM tells everyone explicitly to get the hell out of the hot liquid, and Ragnor does so. For the first but not the last time, a long debate over sheathing weapons ensues, with Ragnor absolutely convinced that Ellerian is just being an asshole to him.

Ellerian: I’m just saying the rules!
Erik: YEAH! But it’s NOT A BIG DEAL!
Ellerian: I’m just saying he has to drop his sword, that’s all I ever said—
Erik: It’s not hum! It’s an NPC! Why the fuck do you care?! Jesus!

Ragnor impales an enemy and slays it, with C calling for all enemies to be dissolved in the hot goo so Ellerian can’t gain power from them. Erik discovers he can’t do a free monster summon when his Eidolon is out, and he didn’t prepare it either. He and Anda zoom into the back to harass the archers. Ellerian jokes that the DM’s center of gravity is so low it’s on the floor beneath him, but no one understands. Bex finally manages to sneak-attack a dude. Morzan is stuck, unable to enter the room without stepping in the goo, while Sable bolts into the hallway out of fear for her life to drink a potion. Morzan fires her crossbow at the ettin. Nobix pictures Sable as Nyancat, then shares that image to everyone to their confusion and alarm. Shade gets cast on literally everyone. Nobix shoots a dude.

Nobix: Okay, that’s a natural 1.
Ellerian: Oh shit, doesn’t his gun explode?
DM: Yeah, you have a chance for it to backfire, right?
Nobix: What happens it, I get simply a misfire, it’s a condition I have to fix.

That’s Nobix’s turn! Ellerian gets shot a couple of times, breaking his arcane shield – which backlashes on his attacker, as is its power. The ettin picks up the cauldron and begins stalking towards Anda and Erik.

Ellerian: He’s gonna put that cauldron over you guys!
Erik: I guess!
Ellerian: I love this guy!

C contemplates his actions for a bit, then double-moves up. Ellerian, stuck behind people, fires his crossbow. Ragnor rags on Ellerian for needing to sheathe his weapon, and even the DM has to defend Ellerian at this point; then he moves. Sable advises Erik that Grease can be cast on items, and verifying this, he lobs a Grease spell onto the cauldron in the ettin’s hands. The ettin drops the cauldron.

DM: “Hmmmmmm.”
Erik: Anda, get us away from the monster!
DM: Speaking of which, it’s Anda and Bex’s turn.
C: “Now we just have to squish you like basketball instead.”
Ellerian: I’m hoping he’s so stupid he just thinks he fumbled it and tries to pick it up some more…
DM: He’s not THAT stupid.

Anda scrambles up the ladder to the archer ledge, while Bex murders the blind dude. Sable and Morzan are up; the group expects Sable to keep running away, but instead Sable steps to the edge of the hot goo and launches a sling bullet at the ettin. And misses. Nobix quick-clears his gun by spending a grit.

Erik: Here come the arrows!

Here come the arrows, even as the DM bemoans his poor rolling and hits Ellerian for 5. The ettin… is that stupid.

DM: It rolled…. 15. Whoop!
Ellerian: ‘Is your fault.’ ‘No it’s your fault!’
DM: “Why can’t you pick this up, this is your hand that’s slipping…” C!
Erik: Start knocking the legs out of these platform. Shredder these assholes!
C: You can do that?!
Erik: I was joking.

Ragnor fires his crossbow at a dude while C climbs up to the ledge, and Morzan and Sable continue to refuse to venture into the goo despite being the heavy-hitters of the group. Sable defends to the death her retreat. Anda begins shredding an archer, while Bex hits the one mook who has endured an uncountable number of attacks with a tail razor…?

Sable: Is that black stuff still hot?
DM: Yes.
C: ‘She’s not going to do anything.’
Sable: Stop that.
Ellerian: Is he wrong?

Sable’s giant sling misses the one invincible guy. Nobix, up, vows to slay the invincible guy, while the archers fire into the fray. Nobix’s 5 damage doesn’t drop the guy

C: He’s tanking it!
Ellerian: I don’t think this guy has rolled an attack at any point.
DM: He has, he just keeps missing.
C: He doesn’t need to hit, he’s tanking 4 party members!
DM: He’s switching his attacks for survivability.
C: This is the greatest mook who’s ever been at this table!
Ellerian: Can we recruit him? Why don’t I have Charm Person prepared?!
DM: The archer at the end? He slumps, fatigued. Overextended his shoulder or something, I don’t know. That one fires and misses Erik, and says, “Screw this noise” and jumps down. How much HP you got, Ellerian?
Ellerian: Um.
DM: Out of curiosity, I don’t think he’s going to get past your barrier too much…
Ellerian: 21 total plus an additional 10 temporary.
DM: So you’re fine, probably. I don’t think he can even max it out.
Erik: Listen, I thought that once on one of MY characters…
Ellerian: Isn’t it x3 on a longbow?
DM: Is it? I don’t think it is…
Ellerian: I’m pretty sure it us.
Erik: 66 hit points…
DM: 15 points of damage.
Ellerian: So he takes 10.
DM: “Argh! What the hell keeps happening!?”
Ellerian: He’s taken 20 damage and survived, so good for him.
DM: Finally the ettin is like, “I don’t think we can pick this thing up.” “I think you’re right.”
Ellerian: (nothing the ‘ettin’ miniature is in fact a hill giant with a hand on his head) That’s not an ettin at all! ‘I’m an ettin!’ (putting a hand on his head and ‘talking’ with it) ‘Yeah, I’m an ettin.’
Erik: That’s his second head! It’s just a hand! He THINKS he has a second head.
C: (taking note of the face) He looks like stupid Thanos.
Erik: Thanos the after-years, he let himself go. He’s got the fucking chin lines!
Ellerian: (dumb voice) ‘Fear it, run from it, it come anyway.’
DM: From a frayed and fetid band around his waist, he pulls a flail and swings it at you.
Erik: Oh. Are you gonna make fun of HIS flail, huh, Ellerian?
Ellerian: Does it have two balls, and he pulled it out of his pants and is swinging it around, is that what I’m hearing?
DM: 8 points of damage.

Ellerian angrily chastises evolution for male anatomy(??). Sable demands the camera be moved; Ellerian does an awesome zoom on it from directly above, complete with Actraiser music.

C: So if I try moving, he’s just going to AOO me, right?
Erik: At least once.
Ellerian: Probably only one. If he has Combat Reflexes I’ll eat my dice. (a pause, then looking to the DM) Don’t add it to him.

The group squabbles angrily over Enlarges and everyone’s refusal to brave the hot goo. C throws himself onto his sword, or really just gracefully leaps down to stab the ettin in the knees. Ragnor puts his crossbow away, readying to charge next turn, and Erik fires into the fray. Ellerian may have finally killed the one invincimook.

Erik: I’m gonna shoot at the giant, see if he can hit him this time. Come on, metal shiny one. (rolling the dice into the miniatures)
Ellerian: You took out Morzan. But you got a – oh! You drew the power of 20 from Morzan. That’s great.
DM: Roll across her again, see if you can confirm it.

Erik lands his crit, and Bex rolls a natural 20 in turn. At LAST, the goo has cooled enough to do no damage, so Sable and Morzan can finally move up. Sable gets into position to charge next turn, and Nobix moves into position. The ettin takes aim at C!

DM: How many hit points do you have left?
Ellerian: You’re gonna get Skyrim giant whacked.
DM: So what’s it at?
C: I’ll let you know after you crit me.
DM: I’m serious, what have you got?
C: I’m serious.
DM: I’m serious.
C: Do the damage that you’re going to do. Don’t tell him.

C survives, and returns fire – cutting open the ettin and spilling his intestines! C is baffled that the ettin dropped.

Erik: Write it down! You are now an Entslayer!
DM: Ettin.
Erik: Ettinslayer!

Ragnor at last runs in with his charge and decapitates the archer! The next several actions are nothing more than people moving to engage the remaining archers, and then wounding the archers.

C: Are they going to provoke Sable’s mighty AOOs?
Ellerian: ‘Not so funny when it’s on the other foot, is it guys?’
C: They don’t speak Elvish.
Ellerian: They do speak Asshole.
C: I don’t see Asshole written on your sheet.
Ellerian: It’s right there.
Erik: Are you pointing to your own name?
Ellerian: Yes.
DM: They both take a look at each other, nod, and pull two bolts out of their belts. They take the casings off and put them in their mouths!

The archers drop dead! And the battle is over, to the shock of all. The group merrily demands that every single person be stone-cold dead so Ellerian can gain no power. C tries to kill all of them before Ellerian can get them. And that’s a very late-game wrap!