Mecha Hack! The rules-light game of mecha combat! We join our three heroes arguing over weapons.

Crimson Alpha: My robot has a beard!
DM: You find yourselves in one of the docks of one of the moons of Jupiter. A call’s been put out by the Jupiter Consortium. They need a mission, they need it fast.
Prophet Zero: I give them a mission. Done.
DM: They need a mission done. You guys are the ones available? You’re up for it. You’re gonna meet up with your contact, he’s over by one of the pods that’s going to take you to the mission location. “Well well well well well, you all have decided to show up.”
Crimson Alpha: “’Scuse me, sir.”
DM: “Whut?”

A long pause.

DM: “Y’all here for the mission, right?”
Crimson Alpha: “What’s the mission? This a stand-up fight?”
DM: “Sad to say, some REBELS manage to take out a transport.”
Prophet Zero: (noting the way the DM pronounced ‘rebels’) Barney AND Betty.

Rebels took a base, a volcano is erupting and suddenly stopped ahead of schedule, and now the rebels have a strategic advantage!

Prophet Zero: “Damn vulcanologists. They don’t know SHIT!”

The area is pure desert and volcanic ash – nothing unimportant to wreck. Destroy or recover the goods, either or. Simple enough, right?

DM: “You have any questions?”
Crimson Alpha: (raising his hand)
DM: “YES?!”
Crimson Alpha: “How do I get out of this chickenshit outfit?”
DM: “You just don’t get paid! There’s the door!”
Prophet Zero: “That-that-that-THAT’S THE AIRLOCK!”
DM: “Exactly! I don’t care if you die! Nobody calls me Jimmy No-Moon for nothing!”
Vulcan Eon: “…I have questions, but I’ll regret them.”
Prophet Zero: “Even my maverick sensibilities tell me not to go there.”
Crimson Alpha: “Your—“
Prophet Zero: “I’M A LOOSE Crimson AlphaNNON!”

Prophet Zero cackles over the slaughter, while Vulcan Eon simply salutes. They head to the freighter ship, which is blatant crap in barely flyable condition, because they’re poorly rated.

Prophet Zero: “Damn Consortium, thinking we’re worthless. They don’t know SHIT!”

The pilot mutters about the feudal lord as they head for their destination… slowly.

DM: Somewhat FTL, this ship doesn’t seem to be going too fast. At least from what you’ve seen before.
Prophet Zero: Damn ship engines! They don’t know shit!

Their ship becomes a farting blimp as they descend to Olde Earth, all polluted and crappy. The drop goes smoothly, despite bad feelings, and they deploy…

DM: The ship slowly makes it way back up. You’re surprised it made it down in the first place.
Prophet Zero: I make a note never to ride with Kerbal Industries again.
Crimson Alpha: Damn it…
DM: You slowly make your way to the edge.
Prophet Zero: “Shit! We forgot the mechs on the ship!”
DM: IN your mechs.
Vulcan Eon: Trying to drag my bigass minigun. Like Homer trying to drag the Stone of Triumph.

They advance forward, finding stolen jump pods protecting scavengers, with a large mech guarding everyone. Prophet Zero tries to scan the big mech, leading to a question of how much he can find out; he promptly blows a Systems check.

Prophet Zero: “This one’s not in my databanks, guys.”
Vulcan Eon: “That’s a bit worrying.”
Prophet Zero: “…maybe YOUR databanks have some information.”
Vulcan Eon: “I have databanks? Hold on a sec.”
Prophet Zero: “VulllllllCrimson AlphaAAAAAN!”

Vulcan Eon rolls better and analyzes it as a superior threat; Prophet Zero immediately demands they alpha-strike it. Systems tests reveal a group of scientists studying the eruption some distance away. The group immediately deploys in location, with Prophet Zero helpfully adding many, many sound effects. TE gets into this a little too.

DM: Make sure the notes on it say, “Players initiated shitty sound effects.”
Prophet Zero: Who else would? Honestly!
Vulcan Eon: His was overdramatic.
Prophet Zero: Leave me alone, mine were awesome!

They set up, and the DM calls for a Presence roll. Only Crimson Alpha passes, and the other two are somewhat intimidated by a high-tech mech almost literally appearing behind them – symbolizing the Mars Federation!

Crimson Alpha: Are they like green dome-shaped robots?
DM: It’s like a Macross robot, but they carry more bigger rifle styles.
Prophet Zero: Aah, it’s the Nadesico, shit!
DM: He motions over to the scientists, waves a finger at you, then vanishes again.

Message received as far as the PCs are concerned. They launch their opening salvo at the fancy mech, and Prophet Zero spends some armor to get an extra damage die. They blow the guy off the map, then, initiative! The PCs all win and fire into the drop pods.

Vulcan Eon: We’re like a wall of guns at this point, we can’t move…

Blasts fire! Vulcan Eon takes all the damage, being a Titan in Barricade mode, and dodges three hits. A missile manages to sneak through his defense, doing a whopping 1 damage thanks to Barricade mode’s halving. Then the DM calls for Systems checks!

DM: It seems like some other group – another group was waiting! Waiting for you to arrive so they could take out both the pods and you at the same time. Around you a bunch of junkers show up! These are clearly customized mining bots they managed to rig together. No faction labels. Clearly this must be some nonaffiliated colony citizens attempting to gather materials to start their own faction or do battle with another one to retake their land from the evil corporations.
Crimson Alpha: “It’s okay, Mr. Maverick! There are more!”

Prophet Zero fires madly, blowing away some mechs as his reactor die degrades. The DM waxes eloquent.

DM: It shreds it apart! The weakened junky parts don’t stand a chance against the heavy fire, but they’re still pushing. Their dreams of freedom, striving them forwards!
Crimson Alpha: Are we oppressing these people!?
DM: THE POOR, poor nonaffiliated colonists only dream of a home of their own!
Crimson Alpha: Are we space-fascists?
Prophet Zero: “I can’t keep notches on my barrel because I wouldn’t have a gun left!”

Crimson Alpha launches into melee, cutting down drop pods frantically. He dodges a blast in turn, then takes a shot to his armor. The colonists lunge into melee with the ones in the back; Vulcan Eon has no melee weapon, which is a bit awkward, but furiously tanks all the hits, while Prophet Zero manages to fail to kill one with his energy katar. Crimson Alpha burns his reactor down to a d4 and misses on his charge attack. His enemies attempt to get to range!

Prophet Zero: Hey, you get an attack of opportunity on him!
Crimson Alpha: That’s not—
Prophet Zero: It’s a thing!
DM: It’s a thing.
Crimson Alpha: Huh.
DM: I guess.

Crimson Alpha deflects missiles into the upper atmosphere somehow and then dives in with a critical hit! His beam sword cooks the guy straight in his mech.


Crimson Alpha: That’s why I’m called CRIMSON Alpha!

Vulcan Eon takes some more chip damage, and remembers he has an energy shield ability this entire time! But he can only use it on his turn, so whoops. Prophet Zero tears into two enemies, dropping them both with some excellent rolls.

Prophet Zero: “I can’t put notches on this, it’s an energy blade! I keep trying, but nothing works!”
Crimson Alpha: “Don’t give up!”
DM: The two near targets, still unfrightened by their many friends dead – they still have dreams, hopes!
Prophet Zero: We’ll solve that.
Vulcan Eon: Five damage to another one.

Crimson Alpha refuses to tell anyone he’s a rookie, so he doesn’t die! They destroy the final mech brutally, leaving themselves on a smoking landscape while the unarmed humans flee to inside this installation. They get loot! Vulcan Eon gets a light melee weapon with the chainblade property, Crimson Alpha gets a scouting drone--

Crimson Alpha: You mean a psicrystal?

--and Prophet Zero gets a grenade. They take a short rest to patch up and cool down their machines, then head for the door. The DM calls for a Systems check.

Prophet Zero: Nope. I haven’t made a Systems check yet.
Vulcan Eon: You need me to take a look at that thing when we get back?
Prophet Zero: It MAY be because I set everything to play ‘Rock You Like a Hurricane’ in the middle of battle
Crimson Alpha: (sighing)
Prophet Zero: I’M A LOOSE Crimson AlphaNNON!

Crimson Alpha detects something moving to the door, and they halt. What emerges is a giant four-armed construction bot! Initiative occurs and a Mega Man health bar fills to the side. Vulcan Eon, up first, unloads a salvo into the heavily-armored mech!

DM: You would have done damage, but the DM has lost his pencil and cannot remove the number.
Vulcan Eon: This is an impossible fight now, guys!

Crimson Alpha attacks, then the bot launches a massive punch at him that the PCs dramatize to their absolute limit. The punch sends Crimson Alpha FLYING to far range, then the bot shoots at the pair of emplaced mechs. Spending armor for damage, Prophet Zero deals 14 points of damage to the guy, promptly pushing him past the Boss Threshold. They continue to unleash hell into the boss, but then the boss punches Vulcan Eon clean away from Prophet Zero.

DM: He picks you up and throws you aside, moving you – oh, he didn’t move you far. You’re one distance away.
Prophet Zero: (watching Vulcan Eon erase the tracking circle for the hundredth time) We REALLY should just use minatures at this point.

The bot punches Prophet Zero, who eats 6 points of damage! Prophet Zero ponders if he should transform, or roll with disadvantage.

Vulcan Eon: Wait, you can’t use melee in your mode?
Prophet Zero: Actually, I can melee while I’m in Sage Mode.
DM: Easy there, Naruto.

Prophet Zero misses horribly, and rolls for another attack, burning armor for more damage. Vulcan Eon unleashes a horrible barrage of bullets onto the bot, decapitating and its pilot!

DM: Just as the bot gets destroyed… HONK! HONK! HONK!
Prophet Zero: There’s a goose!
DM: The sound of an alarm, barely off in the distance. Seems like someone set off the self-destruct mechanism.
Prophet Zero: “Why is there a self-destruct mechanism?!”
Vulcan Eon: “It’s the future.”

A long silence.

Prophet Zero: “No… it’s the present.”
Vulcan Eon: “I’m sorry, I always slip.”
Prophet Zero: “You’ve been going to Information Age Festivals too much.”

They roll loot again! The DM also awards them a level, and so they roll their level ups! A SUCCESSFUL MISSION!

Crimson Alpha: Did you buzz the tower? In siege mode? Fire a shot across the bow!