Horrible, horrible, horrible things are lost to history.

Dusk: Less gay, more slay.
Bilius: Okay, Alec.
Dusk: I can’t be Alec, I’m here.
DM: And you have hair.

Dusk flips off the world. It gets really weird.

Dusk: Coconuts was in blackface standing on Grounder’s shoulders for that one, wasn’t he?
Galdor: Coconuts?
Dusk: Yes, Coconuts, the unloved third member of the SSSSS Squad.
DM: …what the fuck?
Dusk: Anyway, on with the game.
Bilius: I’m glad that’s recorded.
Dusk: Yes, we’ve wandered into a dark place… called Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog. The darkest place, I guess.
Galdor: We would all be fucking celebrities if you would just turn this into a podcast.
Bilius: Or completely ousted from the internet.
Galdor: Yeah, because WE would be the worst thing on the internet.

They take a suicide victim to a forest, because ripped from the headlines, and assemble their minis on the map. They head in the secret door they found, entering a curving tower with numerous doors for them to explore, and immediately open a door leading into a room devoid of enmity.

Dusk: What armor are you wearing, Bilius?
Galdor: The armor a level 1 character would have.
Bilius: Chain shirt.
Dusk: I believe you just volunteered.
Galdor: Ohhhhhh!
Bilius: I don’t – I can’t –

The room they enter has a bone scroll tube, jars filled with sundry body parts, and automaton parts?

Bilius: “This room is ominous.”
Galdor: Well yeah, there’s golem bits laying around.
Bulgun: Ewwwwww.

With the DM’s subtle prodding, they descend on the scroll tube to find it has a green-inked magic sigil on it. It says ‘6’, in Izlanti, so they collect it.

Vomil: Why are you guys in this dungeon?
Dusk: Many quests.

They find the restroom. And bottles. And aurora borealis. Bilius gives a listen at the next door.

Bilius: A 26! With my bigass ear.
Dusk: That’s a nose, you fool!
Bilius: ‘It does the same thing!’
Dusk: Gnomes are weird, man…
DM: You hear clanking and banging. Not very loud, but it’s like… mechanics.

They pile miniatures onto the field once again, and Ausk vigorously jumps the gun.

Ausk: I’ll use a 25 Strength to bust open the door.
DM: So you’re kicking poor Bilius to the side.
Bilius: I was gonna try to just open it…
Ausk: I’m just breaking it.
Ethus: Destroying the door.
Bilius: Let me roll my Acrobatics to get out of the way…

Initiative! As is almost inevitable these days, the group randomly discusses Mortal Kombat: Annihilation. Ethus is first.

Vomil: Wait a minute, all that time and you JUST finished rolling initiative?

Awkward silence. It wasn’t that long by the standards of this game. The group faces down an automaton and a goblin. The goblin casts… something, who knows what? The group demands Spellcraft rolls to identify the spell Resistance. The automaton pummels Ethus for 10 points of damage, as the players attack.

DM: It’s one of those, everybody’s getting, ‘Yes, you hit, but some of that damage is warded away.’
Galdor: It’s an automaton…
DM: Those frickin’ automatons, yes. Galdor is correct.

Dusk hurls a javelin into the goblin, which makes it scream in agony. Bilius fires into melee, with much mocking of how his experimental gun rotates a new barrel into play (e.g. lots of sparks). The goblin screams and flails even more. Bulgun, feeling optimistic, moves up to trip the automaton, and after some confusion on Pathfinder rules, succeeds! The DM absolutely refuses to set up the DM screen for some reason. Galdor shoots at the caster.

DM: Unless you really screwed up, he’s dead.
Galdor: Well, I could screw up damage. 7.
DM: Yeah, he’s dead.

The automaton on the ground begins sparking and crackling – the entire party attempts to run the hell away, but it just gets to its feet.

Dusk: If he rolls anywhere, like, 15 or above I’m cursing him with a reroll.
Galdor: Is that your thing?
DM: He rolled a 16.
Galdor: Curse him.
DM: Thank you, he rolled an 18.
Dusk: Damn!

Bulgun takes 10 points of damage from the slam. Bulgun objects to this, believing his AC is too high… it is not. Bilius puts an awe-inspiring single point of damage into the creature. Bulgun goes for the trip.

Bulgun: Ah, 1.
Galdor: Critical fail!
Dusk: Bohemian rhapsody? Oh, Bohemian earspoon…
DM: Somehow he’s dead now.
Dusk: He slammed his head into the construct’s fist in a ringing blow.
DM: Yeah, you can’t hear anything. You’ve been deafened.
Dusk: I regret not putting ranks in Heal now.
Vomil: Ooh, good thing I have. Too bad I’m not there…
DM: Everyone but Dusk needs to give me a saving throw.

Most save. Bulgun fails badly. Dusk curses Bulgun with a reroll; he saves on the new roll!

Dusk: “I saw a dark future for you, my comrade. But it shall not come to pass.”
Bilius: ‘This day.’ (evil laughter)
Galdor: Time Stone!
DM: Just had to be creepy, didn’t you.
Bulgun: “Thanks for saying that, but I didn’t hear a word you said.”
Galdor: ‘Bulgun, I’ve come to bargain.’

Dusk heals Bulgun’s deafness, while Galdor is shocked at the absolute utility of Dusk’s reroll power. Ethus waxes detailed on how many wounds he has. Everyone goes mad with weird gasping and babbling, till Dusk heals Ethus with flavor and roleplay. Bulgun demands and gets healing as well.

Bulgun: “You talk funny, but you’re awesome.”
Dusk: “I know.”

They’re back on Mortal Kombat: Annihilation. Dusk torments everyone with the Waalelluah Chorus. It turns out the DM has wandered off, which explains a lot. When she finally gets back, she informs Vomil that he hears commotion from where he’s tied up.

Vomil: I’m meditating, it’s instinctive as a cleric.
Galdor: You hear nothing. Hearing nothing in the darkness ahead of us, we pass his cell and never see him.
DM: No, no no. You’re not in a cell.
Dusk: You’re in the latrine.
Vomil: I thought I was captured.
Dusk: You’re in a sack. Like an elven princess.
Vomil: Like half of Tasha.
Ethus: You’re two people deep into the peasant ball.
Dusk: That’s the best place to be. Not so deep that you can’t breathe, but when he lets go, your fall will be cushioned by your fellow peasants.

They begin piling Ausk down with automaton parts and dwemer cogs. The next room has 8 goblins in it; the DM attempts to rule they just steamroll the goblins, but the players actually force her to run a combat, so she refuses to put down more than two minis at a time. Vomil is also in there! He promptly attempts to use Create Water offensively. Initiative ensues!

Vomil: I can do nothing.
Ethus: Unless you have your divine focus in your mouth.
Dusk: His divine focus is his tongue.
Bilius: Thank god I worship UVULON! God of mouths!

Ethus wades in with a crit and somehow kills a guy fifteen feet away from him! They unleash violence on the goblins (Dusk misses).

Ethus: What weapons are you using?
Dusk: Flail. I repurposed my slave chains into a flail.
Ethus: All right, what I need you to do is make fun of your own flail every session, to make up for all the shit you gave me.
Dusk: I’ve already apologized for that! I don’t know why I hated your flail.
Ethus: I don’t know either!
Dusk: I don’t understand…
Vomil: I slowly crawl over to the nearest enemy and bite him on the ankle.
DM: You are tied up!
Vomil: I crawled, I rolled, and I bit him on the ankle!
Dusk: You hurt your teeth!
Vomil: He was wearing plate mail!
Dusk: ‘Let me get the taste out of your mouth, friend.’ Create Water!
Vomil: You see how much fun Create Water can be?!
Dusk: When used on you!
Vomil: Create Water has so many potential uses.
Dusk: And yet none of the uses you ever come up with…

The combat is subdued enough that Bilius and Dusk have a long discussion about why he’s breaking, i.e. reloading, his rifle. Ethus demands he have seven guns on his person.

Vomil: You see a duergar dwarf, hogtied on the ground, hands and feet. Still wearing his scale mail armor, but no weapons visible on his body. He is bruised and battered but you see a look of… in his eyes, defiance but at the same time respect, and… I don’t want to say pleading.
DM: You can talk, you’re not gagged.
Galdor: He’s defiantly pleading! Respectfully.
Vomil: But I’m not saying anything. I’m keeping my mouth shut.

Bilius replaces Vomil in his marriage. Dusk demands a knife.

Dusk: I cut your bonds!
Galdor: Oh.
Dusk: You’re so disappointed…
Galdor: That’s not what I gave you that for, give me that back,

Dusk wings Vomil around like Bam-Bam. Dusk introduces himself and is promptly accused of forgetting everyone’s names, before they get distracted by hassling Bulgun for his lack of accent.

Galdor: “We are accepting this dark dwarf into our party, just like that?”
Bilius: “Why not?”
Dusk: “I have foreseen it.”
Bilius: “Our crew is already motley, what’s another one?”

Vomil introduces himself. Dusk envisions every PC dying and being replaced with a slave-owner sometime. Vomil describes how he was knocked out during a guard mission and dragged here, but he knows the way to an armory!

Vomil: Let me draw a map of where the armory is! It’s much easier than leading you there.
Dusk: Place it on this map. We shall lay it out on this table. All right, guys, now everyone choose a miniature to represent you! We shall plan out our power…
Ethus: (as the DM puts minis down) I like this oracle-vision you have going on, you can see the enemies through the wall.

Ausk bursts through a wall apparently. The DM refuses to put down more than two minis again.

Vomil: Worry not, this character has no Charisma, so he won’t be hitting on the princesses…
Dusk: Because that always stops you…

They hear barking from behind a door! Vomil and Bilius get signed up for a threesome as part of that whole husband-replacement thing. Inexplicably, they all start rolling new characters. The DM may have wandered off.

Vomil: Ha! 3 Strength!
Dusk: Ah ha ha ha ha! Ah ha! You are Raistlin!

Volmil rolls a cleric from that somehow. Dusk discovers markers that do not fit together and declares it a war crime; he is immediately mocked, but then the rest of the group begins realizing it is pretty weird. Okay, no, the DM has definitely wandered off, because the group is watching Steamed Hams videos. Much time passes, and they finally crash in a door – apparently – to find enemies? Everyone is extremely confused at this point.

DM: You’re busting open the door with the dogs?
Galdor: That would be awesome. Break the door down with dogs.
Ausk: If someone can open the door without me doing that, then sure.
Ethus: We don’t really have a locksmith.
DM: You don’t have a rogue.
Bilius: Is it locked?
Ausk: Is it unlocked? I’ll try it.
DM: I think it’s….
Bulgun: Yeah, there’s no sense in busting down the door because we might want to close it again.
Ethus: If only Aliarra knew that.

They open the door. Initiative! Dusk, up first, spears a dog with a javelin for 1 point of damage. Everyone is unimpressed. The dog misses Ausk. Dusk turns into a horrible awnshegh known as the Walrus, with a third tusk no less. Vomil has a greatsword now, and takes a swing at a dude, even as a dog bites at him.

Vomil: Can we put more minis on here, so I’m not confused?
Ethus: No, there’s that many, three and two.
Vomil: She said there’s like six of them. I killed a goblin, she was like, ‘one’s dead!’
DM: I’m not going to put any more on.
Bulgun: I’m going to run right into that room!

First-level attacks fly! No swordsage maneuvers occur! Bilius kills a dog. Someone turns into a Skexis for some reason. Ethus crits on a fresh dog, Galdor just shrugs and does nothing.

DM: Ausk, you want to wade in and do some damage?
Ausk: Natural 20.
Dusk: …you KILL Ethus!
DM: Yeah, you kill Ethus, because Ethus is the one in front of you!
Ausk: Oh shit.
Galdor: No no, let him roll! Confirm your crit!
Dusk: I did not foresee this.
Galdor: Ha HA! That’s the best part!

The DM angrily demands to know if Ausk confirms a crit; the group points out only the DM knows the AC of their foes. Dusk continues to miss with his flail in unfortunate consistence. A weird color argument divides the group into humans and mutants. Bulgun beans a dog. Expending grit to hit touch AC, Bilius blasts the dog away and immediately regains said grit.

Dusk: “Let us search the place and see if we can find out what they were doing here.”
Bilius: “Obviously, being goblins.”
DM: Yes. Bilius is correct.

They loot the place and discover a horsechopper, which diverts them into finding the description and stats of a horsechopper. Automaton pieces are everywhere in here still. Somehow Bilius constructs a mobile stepladder and I’m not sure why. Bulgun goes on about wanting to use the horsechopper for several minutes, ignoring everyone who keeps trying to tell him it’s small size. With just fractions of the tower left to explore, the tired DM calls it a night here!