Is the game ’20 years after’ or ’20 years later’? Everyone immediately takes the position opposite the transcriber, because they hate him despite everything he selflessly does for them without recompense. It is the morning after, and with the information they have gathered, the PCs make ready to head to the long-abandoned Orsovo Manor. Things get weird.

DM: Sable decides that you all will adventure during lunch.
Ellerian: I am disinclined to agree.
DM: I don’t think we actually did ascertain what time you guys were going to go out this day. When would you like to go out?
Bex: With your mom!
All: OHHHHH!

Bright and early, they meet at the barracks.

Ellerian: I greet the others in first Elven and Draconic, so that all can understand.
Bex: I say, “Hi, asshole” in Common.
Nobix: I don’t speak either, so…
Ellerian: I’ve given up on you.

Out of nowhere and blinding in its sudden fervor, Erik and Ellerian erupt into a squabble over unarmed combat rules. On being informed they are heading to the west side of town, the players begin snapping their fingers rhythmically.

Sable: Sable will wait for a more opportune date, because she doesn’t want to impose herself on her companion.
DM: A probably wise decision, since you do have a mission to take care of.
Ellerian: Yes, it could mean life or death for many.
C: Or all?
Ellerian: Or none.
C: But still.
Ellerian: There’s only one way to be sure it’s none.
Morzan: Put on a habit.
Ellerian: Memories of Drusila…

Faldoun emerges from the barracks, summoning his greatsword as he does. Nobix wonders how frickin’ common this stuff is, even as Faldoun passes Morzan a scroll to get them into the nobles’ area. Off they wade through the city’s flavor text, spouting Skyrim memes.

DM: As you near your destination, you noticed the throng of people begins to slightly thicken.
Sable: Where are they going?
DM: I mean like T-H-I-C-C thicken, these are fatass people.
Sable: Are they going towards the nobles’ area or away?
DM: They are kind of meandering towards that direction.
Ellerian: At least it’s a meander and not a stampede away.
DM: No no no, nothing like that
Erik: It’s not like there’s a sale at the local haberdashery, I guess.
C: Haber—hmmmmmm.
Ellerian: I’m just imagining Professor Frink with his sarcasm detector exploding, but it’s a bitterness detector.
Sable: Sable will ask a passerby, “Excuse me sir or ma’am, do you know what’s going on here today?”
DM: ‘How dare you!’
Morzan: ‘Pardon me, sir or madam…’

Sable is dubbed Sir Tanden the Fallen, while Erik gets full tumblr-pronoun on us. A more helpful NPC informs them that the Baroness of Landsritter herself is arriving in the city, and all are here to try to catch a glimpse. Morzan karate-chops Ellerian for some reason, possibly in anticipation of him asking Sable what’s going on in Elven. Sable is excited as hell to meet a figure of yore. Erik makes some history rolls.

Erik: Now I wanna read what this text says about Aiden! Do they gloss over his history to make it a little more heroic!?
DM: Black square, redacted…
Erik: Aiden’s history before joining the party—
DM: ‘You must be 18 years or older to read this section.’
Ellerian: ‘He was a hero. Stop asking questions.’

They reach the gate to the nobles’ area. The crowd continues to thicken, clamoring to catch a sight of the proceedings.

DM: Off in the distance, where it looks to be a makeshift dais, you see two people standing there.
Ellerian: On the dais?
DM: On the dais.
Ellerian: On the dais.

A man who clearly lives comfortably works on quieting the crowd, then begins addressing the crowd (with Aliarra supplying crowd noises). They’re eager to see a hero!

DM: “And a hero she is! However she is a woman of few words. Actions resonate louder and more succinctly for her!
Aliarra: Shows up, kicks a door down, leaves. (booing)

A sudden debate on the timing of age-based strength loss erupts. The Grand Opening of the Temple of Kalroth is a week away, and the herald promises Aliarra will speak at that time.

C: So we all gathered in this teeming throng for essentially a teaser trailer.
Ellerian: “So what’s going on…?”

Sable relates a little of Drusila’s history, to explain to the others that she and Ignir were both attacked and this may be why the Baroness is not appearing now.

Sable: “To be honest I always suspected my mother was involved in some shady activities. Kinda disappearing at night sometimes, thinking that once I was in bed I wasn’t paying attention… wandering off somewhere, bringing strange folk home…”
Erik: Why’d you make her sound like a whore!? (giggling furiously)
Ellerian: I take a step back.
Erik: It’s like a lady of the night!
Ellerian: I am – I am disconcerted by this description!
Erik: She went to a dark place…
DM: Apparently Sable speaks like Faldoun. Plainly.
Ellerian: Missing the love of Ingnir drove her into a serious... How many half-siblings do you have? Drusila, a.k.a. Aiden 2?!
Erik: Aiden once told her a story about his past, and Drusila was like, ‘That’s amazing!’

The DM tries to combine Stinking Cloud and Gust of Wind, and is banished.

Ellerian: In any case, I motion for Morzan and C to lead the way.
DM: In front of you there is a SEA of people.
Ellerian: Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. There’s so many of him.
DM: (leans over and punches Ellerian. Hard.)<
Ellerian: …I thought you were going for that deliberately. I didn’t know – you emphasized it, I was sure it was on purpose.
DM: No, I didn’t!
Ellerian: I probably wouldn’t have oversold it if I hadn’t known that…
DM: I feel bad that I didn’t, now!

C slinks through the crowd; Morzan just goes through by force, as the rest follow in her wake. Sable spots a winking man in a bowler hat for just a second. Nobix attempts to roleplay and slams directly into Sable’s insistence on the third person. Ellerian muses on how humans consider a 20-year event ‘once in a lifetime’.

DM: “But of course it is, young elf!

An absurdly long silence.

Sable: Who said that?
Ellerian: Invisibility. Teleport.
DM: A man in a wizard’s robe.
Ellerian: Ah, a student of the, uh, I don’t say this out loud, a student of the lesser school here.
Erik: Do I recognize him?
DM: You recognize that he is definitely a wizard of the college. You all recognize him in general.
Ellerian: I incline my head slightly in respectful greeting.
DM: He does the same, though his eyes never leave yours.
C: Boring into your skull…
Ellerian: I don’t keep looking into his eyes. I don’t have any fear of turning my back on him. I’m in a party!
DM: ‘Come on, let’s get him, guys! Guys…?’ At last you muscle your way up to the gate. “HALT!”
Morzan: Scroooooll!
DM: He snatches it from your hand. (muttering and reading) His visage softens a bit as he goes down.
Morzan: Are his lips moving?
DM: A little bit.
Erik: Leave the poor guy lone!

Faldoun’s name makes the guard’s jaw drop and he hurriedly gives them badges and allows them in – instructing them to go straight to their destination. Ellerian distributes the badges with Mage Hand to make everyone look cool; they don’t appreciate this. Into the nobles’ district they go. It is obviously snooty.

Ellerian: I haughty the shit out of myself as we stroll down the streets. Now I’ll fit in!
Sable: Sable will try to identify some of the noble houses with her Knowledge(nobility) skill.
DM: Well then, give me a roll!

Sable apparently destroys a lot of things in rolling, and comes up with only 10. She is resoundly mocked as Hogwarts houses are distributed. Guards are numerous and suspicious, so they put a leash on Sable even as the DM tries to lure her into chaos with the appearance of Griffon Harles. Erik grumbles at Ellerian.

Erik: “I feel like it would have been easy for you to understand Common, out of habit, just so you knew what people were saying around you. Like it would almost annoy you that you didn’t know. But you didn’t? I find it weird that you wouldn’t have just learned it in a heartbeat. It’s not very difficult for someone of your intellect.”
C: “It’s beneath him.”
Ellerian: “Many elves were taught Common as they grew up, in fact, I would say most of them were. But I was raised to believe it was a… lesser language.”
Bex: “Asshole!” in common.
Erik: “I figure you’d want to understand it, so you can insult people. Or at least understand them when they insulted you, so they can return the insult in your own language. It seems like more of a weakness than a moment of pride.”
Ellerian: “I would consider acknowledging such insults as beneath me. If others seek to sling slurs my way? What is it to me? It betrays only their own folly.”
C: In Common, I’ll say to him, “It would also be beneath him to exit a building on fire if someone shouted in Common.”

Everyone really enjoys this image, even as they all speak obstinately in common. Ellerian wonders how he’s this stupid. Luckily, dragons announce their pyromaniac intentions in this world. It gets weird.

Erik: The dragon goes through a laundry list of languages, so he makes sure every citizen in the city knows what’s going on. He’s up there, pulls out the big book of languages…
Ellerian: This dragon has a PR problem. Just get a herald, dude! Give a guy a Tenser’s Floating Disc shaped like a surfboard…

They reach their destination finding a dilapidated courtyard showing every sign of being abandoned. The gates are locked, so they send Bex to crack it open. He does just that, and they head in – Bex trying to be stealthy. They plot to lure guards over and knock them out for Ellerian to drain. Bex gets zealous in opening the main door.

DM: You stick your tumblers in… I’m sorry…
Erik: It’s a reverse lock! Genius!
Ellerian: A lockpick is sticking out of the door. ‘Good thing I carry this lock at all times.’

Bex pops the lock, then attempts to wrangle the doors; it is extremely embarrassing, and Morzan steps up to open them instead. Ellerian liberally detects magic as the group heads in.

DM: The large manor house is before you.. but there seem to be OTHER adornments in this garden. Someone has left a bunch of undead standing around.
Morzan: Oh, wonderful.
Ellerian: How did we not see these!?

The PCs deem that these abominations must die, and so map-drawing ensues! And singing along to “In the Dark of the Night”, followed immediately by arguing over Rasputin’s motivation in that movie. The conversation wanders far afield. The DM attempts to make two telepresent players make out; this fails. Fights over miniatures occur for far, far too long. Nobix is especially picky.

Ellerian: Yeah, we don’t have a crapton of dwarves carrying guns around. Believe it or not.
Nobix: My gosh. You should call the manufacturers right now and get them on that.
Erik: What’s the – what’s uh… Drusila?
Sable: Sable. She’s a Banglasharan fighter. She has a shield, breastplate, and a hammer.

The group is baffled at what Sable thinks she’s getting for a miniature. Ellerian finds himself confused.

Ellerian: …Why do I have a Diet Mist Twist?
Bex: Drink it, bitch.

He does. Disney songs fill the air in impatience for battle. Initiative is finally called for, as Erik delights in his new dice (even though they roll poorly). Initiative numbers are generally high.

Sable: 28.
Nobix: Dang, guys, and I thought rolling a 21 was good initiative.
C: This is 3.5, if you’re not rolling 30s by fourth level you haven’t built your character right.

Sable, up first, immediately attempts to climb a wall, like, reflexively without considering any other options. Then she remembers she can pass by PCs.

Sable: Sable is super-excited, so she’s going to breeze past people into the courtyard to see these moving dead for herself that she has only read about in books.
Morzan: Oh god.
DM: You see shambling zombies. Their skin is flaked and falling, rotting on their bodies. Muscle and sinew is exposed, and they have unnatural hunger in their eyes.

Sable bashes a zombie for 12. Ellerian discharges his crossbow for 4, hitting it in the head.

DM: It has no more brains left to worry about it. At least they’re not working as well as they used to.
Ellerian: Oh man, I’m gonna have a hard time telling it and my party aparty.
DM: Damn. And you wonder why they get upset…
Ellerian: That was OUT of character!

Morzan fires up her Judgment of Destruction and chops into a zombie, which demands brains. Bex discovers they’re playing Pathfinder, and also it turns out kobolds are surprisingly zippy. It’s low-level combat, it’s fairly boring to describe, though Sable has to make a Fortitude save as a zombie rakes across her flesh.

Sable: My face!

Ellerian ruins the DM’s combat by remembering that zombies can only take one action, either move or attack, though they do have a charge. Bex attempts to dodge attacks with a Reflex saving throw. This fails.

Bex: Oh god, my Fortitude is -1.
DM: I know, it’s fantastic. You’re the only one who’s been able to get sick from anything we throw at you.
Bex: 16. That’s a fail, right there.
DM: Who knows? You sure don’t…

Anda bites a zombie, with some regrets, and C delivers a brutal coup de gras to Bex, apparently?

DM: ‘Might as well finish what they started.’
Sable: So are these zombies dressed in the livery of the house servants? They just kind of died and kept serving their masters.
DM: No, these clothes, the best you can tell, look like peasantry clothes. But they’re so tattered you may not be sure about that.
Nobix: We should probably give them a hug.
Sable: Hmm, so there is one in front of her and one to her left who just attacked… Nobix?
DM: I didn’t attack with that one, thanks for reminding me. You take 6 points of damage.
Nobix: Hooray, I hate you!
Sable: Making new friiiieeeeends!

Ellerian misses, everyone else flips into combat, and Bex does an epic Brave Sir Robin impression. Nobix fires into a zombie, muttering about gun reloads as the zombies dogpile on Sable, though only one hits. Attacks continue to fly, dropping some damage on Morzan and Bex, but missing C. Bex is in a state of panic at this point, but Anda steps up to cause some pain! Mass confusion erupts because it isn’t clear from the miniatures that Erik is riding Anda, but the PCs finally drop a zombie or two in this conflict. The discussion gets weird.

DM: We’re all fat.
Ellerian: C’s not that fat…
DM: Oh, I’m sorry. Present company excepted.
Ellerian: C spends all his time chasing a rabbit around.
C: I can’t do that any more.
Ellerian: It’s too HARE-raising!

No one acknowledges Ellerian’s joke. This seems like a challenge to him, clearly.

Ellerian: We should polymorph you into some kind of primate, and then you will get copycat powers.

Dead silence.

Ellerian: Monkey C, monkey do.

Dead silence.

C: It feels like Captain Caveman should pay you a visit.
Ellerian: Or El Kabong.

The idea of Ellerian getting clubbed over the head with a guitar finally gets a laugh. Combat continues apace, with the DM’s frustration over Sable’s Armor Class starting to show through. Anda critically fails a claw attack!

DM: Wide-open: you are flatfooted for one round. Ah, it doesn’t matter that it’s flatfooted, it’s dead.
Morzan: 18 to hit, and 11 points of damage.
DM: You swing… at the air, ahead of you.
Ellerian: You vigorously attack… Anda, I guess.
C: All the zombies in front of you are gone.

Morzan solves this by moving, then attacking. Genius! Nobex manages to miss a touch AC attack, embarrassing everyone. Morzan takes a hit!

Morzan: Now you want my Fort save?
DM: No, this one will not require it.
Ellerian: Un-fort-unately.
DM: I’m gonna punch you.
Ellerian: You already did!
DM: Again.
Ellerian: That’s redundant…
Morzan: No.
DM: In a different spot.
Ellerian: You can’t reach a different spot.
DM: If you lean forward, then I can reach
Ellerin: Punch him. Punch him. Just punch him. He’s like, ‘please’!
Bex: ‘This is the only physical affection I get, please touch me!’

It gets much weirder. Sable gets overconfident and starts attacking without Expertise, as Ellerian thoughtfully picks up the telepresence mic off the floor. A zombie drops, and Nobix pistol-whips another one but, depressingly, misses. C lands a hit, finishes the final zombie, and the adventurers are victorious!

Sable: Sable shakes the brains off her hammer and examines her wounds.
DM: They’re woundful.
Nobix: “So, lads, can you explain why we just faced the undead zombies in here?”
Sable: “Who cares, that was awesome?”
Ellerian: (waves a hand over himself) Clean!
Sable: Can Sable try to use her knowledge of the local surroundings to determine where these mortals came from when they were mortal?
DM: Probably not.
Ellerian: Their mothers.

Ellerian believes them to be risen by arcane methods, not divine, and takes the high road despite being heavily necromantic-themed himself. They hit up Morzan for healing, then Bex searches the entrance door for traps, finds one, and promptly triggers it, luckily saving against the ensuing poison gas. He then blows his lockpick roll on the door, so they shrug and send in Morzan with a crowbar.

Erik: He’s sitting on an Open spell, like, nope.
DM: Don’t fucking use Knock on this fucking door.
Ellerian: You can’t spell OPEN without NOPE.

A long silence, broken only by a ‘heh’ from Nobix.

Morzan: Give me the crowbar.
DM: I wanted to laugh…
Ellerian: I’m very impressed, actually.

Morzan opens the doors by force, a little smug in her victory. They enter into a main hall, erupting into a frenzy of destruction apparently? The entrance hall has statue bases with only feet left on them, stairs leading upwards, and door opportunities.

Sable: Any tapestries or crests on the walls?
DM: No.
C: Wrong DM.
Erik: OH! Tapestries! I thought she said ‘topless trees’! What the fuck was she talking about? Did they just put trees in there and cut off all the limbs? It’s just a bit stick in some dirt?
Ellerian: Hey, druids need strippers too.
Erik: Monsters!
Ellerian: I examine the floor to see if zombily sh—ZOMBIES shuffling through here have left tracks.
Nobix: With sunflower shooting at them?
Erik: They’re going over the doing doop-doo-doo-doo – oh god it’s the head zombie, leading them in a dance!
Ellerian: This adventure’s a real thriller.
C: You’re a fucking factory.
Ellerian: Look, that was the shortest trip from Point A to Point B you could ask for without them being coterminous!

This silences the game, possibly because who the fuck uses the word ‘coterminous’. Ellerian starts talking slowly and loudly in Elvish, this being the way to make people understand you. Combat erupts? Nobix ends up with a ‘How To Speak Yoshi’ book, and Morzan apparently goes through a wall like Kool-Aid Man. Bex wastes two natural 20s on searching an untrapped, unlocked, open door. Ellerian looks up ‘Yoshi’ on his phone and comes up with a ridiculously sexy Yoshi.

Erik: You pressed the images button, that was your first mistake.
Ellerian: No, my first mistake was searching.

Accepting that stealth is primarily impossible, they send Anda first, Anda being pretty much unhittable. The DM openly brags about dropping no loot in his adventures, then gets bitter about flying and floating shields and so forth.

DM: ‘Hi, I’m Ehlorra! I was created to break your game!’

Sable is deadest on finding heraldic crests or notes or SOMETHING, and manages to remember she’s in the Orsova manor from all this. To her dismay, she does poorly on her Knowledge rolls, having apparently skipped that class for fencing.

Ellerian: “Well, we dare not stop here. Let us continue.”
DM: You sleep there for the night.
Ellerian: What, am I speaking funny here – oh, WAIT!

Erik starts randomly assigning small quantities of human heritage to Ellerian, and then a weird debate over the usage of lead to block magic erupts.

Ellerian: Don’t you remember when you got through the whole thing a guy was trying to sell you time in a lead-lined room so you couldn’t be scryed, you ended up buying it just to take pity on him.
Erik: Oh yeah, that’s right. I just assumed her was lying.
DM: You decide that this room is stupid.
Ellerian: I piss on everything and leave.

Out the door they head, but the hour is quite late, and thus they end the session there. Drama! Adventure! Dicks apparently…