RISE OF TIAMAT!

Krixxix: It is PLAYER-WIPE.
Eben: What impudence, you human being.

Last time they emerged from the lava tubes (lava tubes!) into the Temple of Tiamat itself. Tiamat emerges and kills them. They play the gestalt game, after Raven punches Tiamat in the face. Good for him.

DM: You have emerged in one of the five towers that you saw from the outside, though on the inside there is very little to distinguish these. They are simply five great open spaces, all connected to one central great open spaces. I’ll show you the floor map! It’s several hundred feet wide. You can check it out. In the center of everything, power is flowing in to a single point that hovers above the center of the great chamber. There are threads coming to it from each of the five wizards that stand in each of the towers. Further threads coming into it from higher up, as if through the walls above, and one mighty thread coming from the top of the central tower. As you’ve emerged, a wizard, who is doing chanting, turns to look at you, his words faltering. You can see other wizards in two of the towers which you have a vantage point on. No doubt there are other wizards still doing their own chants. In the center of it all, as if a guard, stands a familiar figure: Rezmir.
Krixxix: You bastard! I mean, hi Rezmir.
Raven: Hi!
Eben: We all enter the room and offer warm greetings. The dragon cult willingly accepts us and we celebrate the arrival.

Initiative begins as they move to harass the nearby wizard. Eben interrogates Maldrake extensively about why he is an org mage (he is, in fact, an ogre mage, albeit not in this game).

Thalynmar: He’s a grog mage.
Eben: Grog? He he, I conjure grog. It is an all-purpose fluid.
Thalynmar: An alemental.

Arguments about the tower configuration erupt, not for the first time. Eben clarifies that the towers are all connected and the floor is universal between them and the central chamber. Everyone rolls stupidly high on initiative.

Thalynmar: Wait, where the fuck are our armies?
DM: Outside fighting the armies of the cult on the caldera’s cone?
Thalynmar: Oh, okay.
Krixxix: Can we say we took a couple of these guys as cannon fodder?
Thalynmar: I summon Bahamut.
Eben: Knights of the Round.
Maldrake: We don’t have the turns for that.
DM: Okay, as soon as you get the Mask of the Platinum Dragon, a giant pile of treasure, and spend two campaigns’ worth of books setting up the ritual, you can summon Bahamut.
Thalynmar: I did.
DM: When?
Thalynmar: When you weren’t looking.
Eben: What do you think he was doing on the trip to Waterdeep?
DM: Okay, you summon Bahamut. He appears, then immediately travels back in time to rez Krixxix and give you power to bring him back as well as Eben, thus stabilizing the time loop.

Krixxix, first to act, moves to hide behind Thalynmar and then shoot the wizard. A weird argument erupts.

Raven: I’m pretty sure these wizards aren’t dragons. Just saying.
Eben: We haven’t seen under their hood.
Thalynmar: Very poorly disguised dragons. “Ooooh!” ‘I can see your entire body behind you.’
Maldrake: It’s just a dragon, he’s wearing a robe as a chinstrap.
Eben: He’s got a Shyguy mask on. It’s actually Tasslehoff inside a dragon.
DM: Tasslehoff. That’s what this entire campaign has being leading up to.

Krixxix arbitrarily decides he does max damage. The DM stops him. He nonetheless drops the mage in one shot with his assassin nonsense, realizes he never needed to Hide in the first place because he was acting before the mage, and regrets his life choices. A super-long debate erupts over choices of action, as Krixxix attempts to loot the body.

Krixxix: Did he have anything useful, or all they all wearing a bunch of rough-spun tunics?
DM: They’re just wearing wizard robes. Believe it or not, they’re not sitting there with their life savings preparing to cast a spell.
Krixxix: Fuck! I don’t want any more black robes!
DM: These are red, these are Red Wizards.
Thalynmar: So we’re in one of the towers, and we look up and don’t see anything?
DM: You look up?
Thalynmar: Yeah.
DM: Good work! Finally! Flying up above you, some distance, you see a wizard floating in the air and chanting as he works on the ritual. Thank you! You get inspiration.
Thalynmar: Yay! I already had one.

Maldrake rages about the description of towers and yells at the DM for not describing it better for several minutes. Krixxix hadn’t been listening to any of the description when Eben clarified it earlier, and proves it. Thalynmar defends the DM, albeit not physically when Krixxix throws things. Raven shoots the mage with his hand crossbow, then recants and heads into the central chamber to approach another mage.

DM: Rezmir stalks forward a good thirty feet. “You’re not the one I want to kill, but I’ll settle for killing you nonetheless!”
Lualyrr: She’s within 30 feet of us?
DM: No, within 60 feet of Raven, who is 60 feet ahead of you guys.
Lualyrr: That’s perfect.
Eben: Lualyrr seeks parlay with Rezmir!

Lualyrr discovers her Chain Lightning plan won’t work and is sad. Raven can clearly see all the wizards on the bottom floor, and calls back to report them!

Thalynmar: Can he see up into the main spire? See what’s the middle channel coming down?
DM: He can take a look if he wants.

A long pause.

DM: Do you want?
Thalynmar: I want him to.
DM: Yell out some instructions to him.
Thalynmar: Raven, look up.
Lualyrr: I’ll just cast Message and tell him to look up.
DM: You look up and far above you, perhaps a hundred feet or so, you see a figure crackling with energy and wearing what is unmistakably the Mask of the Dragon Queen. The cult leader, Severin, whose actions have masterminded this entire campaign, is inches from achieving his goal.
Thalynmar: Time to Sever-in him from the link.
DM: That’s great. That’s really great. That’s super, Thalynmar. Really fucking super.
Maldrake: Time to Snape his objectives.

Raven takes 37 points of acid damage from Rezmir’s attack. No one particularly cares, including Raven. Lualyrr casts Mordenkain’s Sword to start messing up the wizard above them. Eben invokes Mer’dovich, for NO REASON AT ALL. The wizard attempts to cast a spell.

Lualyrr: Counterspell. I actually have that spell.
DM: Are you countering his spell?
Lualyrr: Sure, why not?
DM: He casts his spell and nothing happens. He is sad.
Lualyrr: See, it can work in our favor too!
Eben: Well before he mentioned the earthquake, I was just going to dispel magic on him so he fell down.

Wizards lob spells, and walls of stone and ash rise to seal off the different spires in which the wizards chant. Eben readies up an Earthquake scroll, even though Raven is in the middle of his proposed AoE.

Eben: Not to say Raven isn’t worth anything, but this is all or nothing.

They tinker the position of the earthquake spell, and Eben whips it out with some drama.

Eben: I invoke the will of the Great Old One. This vile bitch-dragon who dares to presume it has power over any as mighty as HE! It is a he, I believe… “EASUQUAKU!”
DM: You lift the scroll and begin to read it out—
Eben: Uh-oh.
DM: The staff trembles in your hands.
Eben: NOM NOM NOM – don’t eat the spell!
DM: Tentacles snap out from the staff and engulf the scroll, and then the staff seems to dissolve in your hands. In the center, where the great portal is now struggling to stay open—
Eben: Did you just take my staff away?! DAMN IT! Go ahead. I’m sorry.
DM: Abruptly the energy around it is viciously black and corrupt.
Eben: Oh, it’s an evil earthquake!
DM: A NEW portal erupts over it.
Eben: IT’S A TENTACLE QUAKE! HENTAIQUAKE!
DM: And from it stab out a number of tentacles, plunging into the ground. They slither in, like so many worms seeking cover after the storm, and then the portal shuts, leaving only the humming one to the Abyss behind. A moment later the trembling begins. Your staff reforms in your hands.
Thalynmar: (miming kissing it. Then being strangled by it)
DM: It replaces your tongue, I don’t know what you were thinking.
Eben: No more verbal components for me!
DM: Maldrake, while this greater evil is going on next to you, what choice do you make?
Maldrake: Well, uh. The end of the world is happening. I’m gonna have to go deal with the greater evil? Which is a loose term at this point?
DM: To be fair, the Great Old One is just slamming an earthquake into the airs, but the portal to the Abyss, still happening. It was one-and-done for him.
Maldrake: So the portal for the great dragon is still there. That’s the greater threat. The Old One is now flying out of the gate…
DM: As MUCH as I would love to bait and switch you at this late time, I will not do that.
Maldrake: Seeing everything around him, Maldrake did the only thing he could do to save his friends. (miming slamming his visor shut) “I didn’t see it!”

The DM trades Maldrake’s inspiration for the sudden appearance of his paladin steed, as a divine favor. He hauls Thalynmar on and they take off! The DM calls for Perception checks all around; a couple of people actually succeed.

DM: Those of you who succeeded spot that despite the immense shaking shuddering through the temple, the walls are not moving.
Thalynmar: Aaaww.
Eben: It was worth a try.
DM: (with peculiar emphasis) The walls are unnaturally still.

A pause.

Thalynmar, Maldrake, and Lualyrr: Ohhhhhhhhhhh!

Krixxix hides behind Eben and promptly gets molested by his staff. He shoots at Rezmir, but Rezmir keeps deflecting projectiles somehow with her sword. Maldrake ignores Remzir, provoking her to fury.

DM: She moves after you, screaming out profanities in Draconic!
Lualyrr: ‘Ohh, you’re saying some naughty shiiiiiit.’
Maldrake: I repeat in Draconic, “That’s not very ladylike!”
DM: “NEITHER IS THIS!” Another bolt of acid strikes out, striking the cowardly Raven in the back!
Maldrake: “Hit me with it, I could use the bath!”
DM: “I’ll save Harziwhan for YOU!”
Maldrake: “Thank you…?”

Lualyrr’s magic sword beheads the wizard it was attack, and she runs after Raven to try to heal him. The wizards that Maldrake and Thalynmar wheel towards stop their chanting, leading them to realize they’re expected.

Maldrake: ‘Quickly, the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch is on my belt! Throw it towards the center!’
Thalynmar: ‘This is just a potato.’
Maldrake: ‘Do it! They’re scared of potatoes.’
Thalynmar: ‘I think you’ve finally gone off yer rocker, lad.

Maldrake uses his action to penetrate the illusion, and spot the wizard behind it preparing to cast a spell of some sort. A pause descends over the battlefield.

Maldrake: Can we, uh, do some Exalted shit up in this bitch? Not too Exalted, but can I start riding towards and give him the signal to jump off and like, continue the momentum forward to surprise the wizard?
Thalynmar: You gotta toss me!
DM: Absolutely.

They enact this plan – and Thalynmar is called upon to roll a d20. He is launched through the wall and IMMEDIATELY Dominated, landing right next to the wizard with his mind no longer his own. The wizard desperately points for Thalynmar to go kill Maldrake! Luckily, his jump took up his entire movement. Krixxix runs for the wizard opposite where Maldrake and Thalynmar had charged. Raven continues to move, while Rezmir fires at Krixxix and misses.

Raven: Thanks for taking the agro!
Eben: If we have finger-flick damage we can inflict on Thalynmar, he gets a saving throw each time.
Thalynmar: Oooh. I’m not gonna pass…
DM: Come on, punch it out of him! Punch it out of him!

The group spends a while discussing how to crack Thalynmar out of his mind control, leading down a rabbit hole of 5E’s dispel in general. Eben can’t see through the wall, so Maldrake finds himself trying to shout instructions.

DM: Roll me a Charisma check.
Eben: If you’re good-looking enough…
DM: If you’re able to quickly and succinctly state through force of personality…

Maldrake, of course, is good. Shatter blows up some dudes. One of them, as it turns out, is Rath Modar!

Eben: Who’s that?
Thalynmar: I remember the name, I just don’t remember where he was in the game.
DM: You remember him, you had it out with him, and he was like, ‘He who koops and runs away, lives to koop another day.’

The mage passes his Concentration check to keep his spell, leaving Maldrake pondering how to solve this problem. Maldrake questions the appearance of his foe.

DM: He looks like an ordinary Red Wizard.
Maldrake: Okay, I wasn’t sure if it was like, being meta, that when you start killing a certain sect of enemy types, the rest of their buddies start acquiring new abilities… ‘Ha ha, I have Earthen Armor now.’ ‘Go fuck yourself.’
DM: No, that’s Rezmir, not these wizards.
Raven: So what we need to do is we need to bring them all down to 10% hit points…
Thalynmar: This isn’t a raid encounter.
Maldrake: (miming a dramatic sweep of his flail)
DM: You throw your flail to the ground, apparently.
Maldrake: I charge it with holy energy!
DM: Oh, okay.
Maldrake: Wait, am I using my sword or am I using my flail?
Krixxix: I’m charging it with kinetic energy!

The Red Wizard casts Shield, causing Maldrake to miss; everyone is angry about this, even the cat who was just passing by. Maldrake attacks again, rolling a 30.

Maldrake: Why did that hit?
DM: …It’s much higher than 24?

Eben comprehends their purpose: to disrupt the spell badly enough to stop Tiamat from being a full god when she manifests. He celebrates by chanting the classes from the D&D cartoon. Maldrake and the DM have a sudden discussion about his smite ability, which Maldrake apparently never realized was a thing on top of all the spells named ‘smite’. Eben fires away at the wizard, bitterly anticipating an armor class buff of +20 for some reason, but nevertheless kills the wizard!

DM: The chanting from above you stops. You two look up. You recognize this figure, coincidentally enough, Thalynmar; Rath Modar hovers above you. Looking down at you in a fury. “You shall not prevent her rise. I know just how to stop you.”
Eben: Dominates you again!
DM: He does not have Dominate prepared.
Thalynmar: Yay!
DM: He does have Confusion prepared.
Thalynmar: God damn it!
DM: He hurls it into your midst. You and your horse must also make saving throws, Maldrake.
Thalynmar: Yay! (rolling) YAY!
DM: None of you are confused, you bastards! You ruined everything!
Thalynmar: (flicking him off)
DM: Thalynmar, it’s your turn. You waste it flicking him off.
Thalynmar: Free action, thank you.
DM: Okay, I’ll give you that.

Somehow, Thalynmar hurls Maldrake’s codpiece at Rath Modar, followed by a fancy goblet. Krixxix investigates the wall, rolls well, and at last penetrates the illusion and steps through to confront the wizard.

Krixxix: And, is there anything nearby –
DM: No.
Krixxix: …that I can hide behind, no.

Krixxix struggles to become even just obscured, fails, and plinks the wizard weakly, while Thalynmar hurls a Javelin of Lightning.

Krixxix: Now, on my last thing, can I Dash to get towards something to hide behind – is there anything, chairs, pews—
DM: NO!
Eben: Pews!?
Krixxix: This is just a big empty fucking room?!
DM: Yes, that has just been magically ripped from the ground solely for this ritual! It’s not like Tiamat’s ritual services were held here every Tuesday!

Maldrake attempts to cast Burger King on the world, causing all the wizards to become hungry and then die. Krixxix runs back out of the spire and gets shot with a caustic bolt from Rezmir. Raven finds his planned wizard dead.

Maldrake: Why are you confusing him and telling him to go fight Rezmir? I’m getting tired of it.
Eben: He’ll spend the entire battle dashing this way, dashing back—
DM: Look, it’s called the DM kite, this is how I kite my players.

Raven shoots with a hand crossbow, in a very exciting fashion.

Thalynmar: I wonder if just taking Severin out would stop the whole thing. He’s like the focal point.
DM: The ironic thing is that just as you call that out, “Shall we take down the boss?”, from the great central spire descends the figure of Severin, the Mask of the Dragon Queen on his head, his eyes blazing brilliantly from beneath it. “I will not allow you, after all this time, to interfere with the ritual! SHE will come, and I will be made supreme over all the Sword Coast with her might on my side! COME! Challenge me if you dare!”
Thalynmar: “It’s funny, I told Buren the same thing in the bedroom the other night…”
Maldrake: “You’re flying! None of us here can fly, so if you come down, to where we are, at the time where we are, we will then fight you, but you are up there—“
DM: As you give the speech he slowly continues to descend.
Maldrake: I’m getting free actions, it’s not my turn.
DM: By this point in your speech his feet have touched the ground.

Raven fails to trip the wizard after all this, while Lualyrr finally catches up to him to heal him. Meanwhile Eben’s staff is weirdly furious at the Mask of the Dragon Queen! Bemoaning his failure to cast Fly, Eben abruptly finds himself drained of inspiration to possess the spell active!

Eben: Give me unholy tentacle wings! So C’thulhu has a hatred for the Dragon Queen. She’s probably one of the reasons he’s not allowed to exist on this plane. Towards Severin – Forcecage!
DM: Oooh.
Eben: Don’t pick up books if you’re just going to dispel it.
DM: I am not just going to dispel it.
Krixxix: I’m going to REFLECT it!

Maldrake scoops up Thalynmar and off they go to the next grounded wizard, while Eben taunts Rezmir. Severin contemptuously snorts.

DM: The Mask of the Dragon Queen shifts upwards. The heads on it all point downwards, and unleashing withering gulfs and torrents of their elemental energy down over his form.
Eben: The Mask is KILLING Severin?!
DM: He looks at you and disappears in the final flash of fire. He reappears next to you, and is surprised by this, as perhaps you are.
Eben: Wait. The Mask teleported him out of the cage.
Thalynmar: Right. He wanted to come after us. I’m guessing your Old God staff is…
DM: Legendary Action: Fiery Teleport. He has to make a Charisma saving throw, but with that mask on it’s virtually impossible for him to fail.
Eben: I figured there would be a way for him to get out.
DM: It was a very excellent plan though.
Maldrake: Apparently something went wrong.
DM: He had expected to appear next to you two and stop you two from interfering, but apparently the mask has other ideas.
Eben: Oh, the Mask is pissed! The Mask hates the staff as much as the staff hates the Mask!
Krixxix: That’s awesome.

Rezmir taunts Krixxix as he peers around to snipe the wizard, but Krixxix snipes the wizard nonetheless. He fails to one-shot the wizard, then spends a while trying to figure out where to hide from Rezmir. Raven keeps shooting Rath Modar, even as Rezmir misses an acid bolt into the fray.

DM: “It seems the Mask thinks there’s no room for you in this world.” He takes his third legendary action, reaching out to – JESUS CHRIST, Severin. You fail! This dramatic conflict, you gotta pull this shit on me!
Maldrake: He bit his lip! He bit his lip on the mask!
Thalynmar: ‘Ow, my penis.’
Krixxix: He sneezed, the mask flies off.
DM: He reaches out, his hand wreathed in flame, and he attempts to seize you, but you reflexively grab his hand. Abruptly the staff punches out in your hand! You can feel the muscle in his arm tear as he stumbles backwards.
Eben: The staff ripped the tendon out of his arm or something?!
Krixxix: Quickly, pull a dagger, cut off his arm, and then beat him with the bloody arm.
Eben: I have something better in mind.
DM: “NO!” He reaches out—
Eben: Again?
DM: This is his actual turn now. And seizes your face! Fire courses through your being!
Eben: What kind of fire?
DM: Uh… the normal fire.
Eben: I don’t know if that’s flavor text or the nature of this attack.
DM: It’s literal fire. Fire is a thin that is happening here.
Eben: I cast Entropic Ward. Imposes disadvantage.
DM: He muscles through it. You can see it hand start to go sideways, and abruptly his head jerks and starts to come over to you. 17 points of fire damage, and you are on fire!
Eben: Staff probably likes that.
DM: N-no! Lualyrr?
Lualyrr: Rath Modan is above me, right?
DM: Rath Modar.
Eben: Rodan is above you.
Lualyrr: Put my hands up? Shatter!
DM: “Shatter? Really?! The full might of the arcane available to you and THAT’s the spell you choose?!”
Maldrake: “It’s her go-to! Leave her alone!”
Eben: Many people have turned up their nose to Shatter. Most of them are dead now.
DM: Rath Modar contemptuously ignores you and returns to the chant.
Lualyrr: I rolled a natural 20.
DM: FOR WHAT?!
Lualyrr: You said to roll.
DM: FOR DAMAGE!

Krixxix makes a Wisdom saving throw, somehow, and is not Dominated. Severin sets Thalynmar and Maldrake’s mount on fire, which for some reason makes Maldrake crack the hell up. Eben tries to Plane Shift Severin, who burns legendary resistance to make the save. Thalynmar beats the shit out of a wizard, and rolls his first natural 1 in forever.

DM: You’re furiously stabbing at him just as one of the trembles of the earthquake erupts. A piece of masonry tumbles off the fire from high above and beans you on the helmet.

Thalynmar makes his saving throw to not be stunned, and the wizard laughs in his face. Krixxix schemes a lot, then just shoots his wizard.

DM: The entire temple shudders, and up above you hear a cataclysmic crash. The entire battle pauses for just one second, and at that, a few chunks of what are unmistakable ice come tumbling down from the top of the center of the great spire.
Krixxix: Oh what, did the other dragons finally make a fucking entrance to help us finally?
Maldrake: I think the earthquake spell knocked some stuff loose up there.
Thalynmar: This is above ground and it’s in the middle of a dormant volcano. So I don’t know what’s going on here.

Raven heads up to stab Severin, while the rest have a weirdass side conversation about the luxury of indoor plumbing, Great Gatsby-style. Rezmir shoots at Raven, dealing 30 points of damage.

Maldrake: “Oh, look at the one-trick pony!”
Raven: Is this all Rezmir knows how to do?
DM: Well if you guys would ever get into melee with her at ANY POINT IN THE CAMPAIGN, you would find out!
Krixxix: ‘Hey, you fucking coward, why don’t you come down here and fight us hand to hand?! Not me though, him.’

Severin misses Raven, while Lualyrr, offended at being laughed at, casts Bigby’s Hand to batter Rath Modar severely. Many ‘Bigby’s X’ jokes ensue. Severin rants at the group, summoning magical chains of fire to restrain Raven. Krixxix dodges ANOTHER Dominate. Maldrake gets his smite on and bashes a wizard’s head clean off.

Maldrake: “Don’t worry! Someone’s gonna come behind us and take care of you, flying guy!”
Thalynmar: ‘Aww crap.’
DM: You hear a whisper as loud as the ages echo through the temple. “Complete it.”
Krixxix: Oh, they’re finishing it.
Maldrake: No!
DM: Severin jerks backwards, looking up, a fear in his eyes.
Maldrake: I’m assuming it’s Draconic enough to the point to where I know…
Thalynmar: Crunch time, guys.
Maldrake: We’re running short on time. Do we run back to help with Severin at this point or we try to take out another wizard…
DM: Severin pleads to the air. “The wizards, they can handle it! Soon the ritual will be complete!” “No. Now.” The Mask of the Dragon Queen erupts in a blinding light.
Krixxix: Dude. Staff. Do something.

The DM lays it out to them: they killed enough wizards to stop the ritual, gaining them ritual-stopping credit, but now Tiamat is acting directly.

DM: The Mask of the Dragon Queen flashes in a brilliant light. You all can see at the center of it a skeleton, that probably being Severin’s, as the energy courses through. His body disintegrates, and abruptly you hear horrific screams from all sides. Krixxix, the wizard in front of you bursts, and you are covered in splatters of blood.
Krixxix: “Eww! Eww eww eww eww eww!”
DM: What’s left of his vital essence is sucked to the portal. From all directions.
Eben: What’s left of Rezmir?
DM: Nothing happened to Rezmir.
Lualyrr: But Rath Modan goes ‘pop’.

Somehow the entire group rallies around Eben’s staff as the surest victory condition, either by throwing it, breaking it, or just trusting it to deus-ex their asses.

Maldrake: Let the staff do what it wants to do.
Eben: It’s close to me.
DM: You release the raw power of the staff, expending magic out of it blindly. It leaps from your hand, striking out and wrapping itself like a gripping tendril around the mask. The mask bursts into five pieces.
Eben: That’s…uh, okay.
DM: The mask, or rather the five dragon masks that form it, begin to rise into the air, only for your staff to catch and consume two of them.
Eben: So Tiamat will only have three heads.
Maldrake: Oh, we’re going to have to explain ourselves to the dragons about those masks…
DM: You get full credit for destroying the Mask of the Dragon Queen, which is a weakening condition.
Thalynmar: Yay!
DM: The staff snaps back into your hand.
Eben: Oh, I was expecting to lose it.
DM: The remaining three rise up, forming a triangle around the portal. The magic maelstrom filling the central apse of the temple suddenly splits open with a crack of thunder. The gargantuan head of five dragons begin to tear and gnash their way out of the rune-lined pit of fire that flickers between the three masks.
Thalynmar: This is it.
Maldrake: Damn it. I don’t have a hat to be like, ‘Time to turn the hat backs, boys.’
Eben: Well, wizards, those hats are cones, so turn it around, it still looks the same. If it flops to one side, the flops still look the same.
Maldrake: He’s behind me, ‘You ready to go?’ and I’ve like turned my helmet backwards so I’m facin the wrong way. ‘Maldrake. It doesn’t work that way! It doesn’t work that way!’
Krixxix: Wait a minute. I still have my flying carpet!
Thalynmar: No, it got stolen from you when you got killed.
Krixxix: Damn it!

The players swiftly start up a Trail of Tears (??!??!?!!?!) as they lay out miniatures. The DM tells them they received four reductions of Tiamat’s power, substantially reducing her hit points, AC, and damage, removing her immunities, and stopping her regeneration. The discussion goes weird.

Maldrake: We’ll just play this again, DM. Exactly the same way, we’ll just make different choices and get a different ending.
Thalynmar: Yeah. We’ll do that now. Can I take a quick action to put myself out?
DM: You can all stop being on fire.

The white dragon head bursts free from the portal, glaring at the PCs – then blasts down the best AOE it can. Krixxix attempts to blend in.

Krixxix: I have caltrops! I’m going to throw them in front of oh my god, Jigglypuff! Oh, it feels good too, niiiiice.
DM: 50 points of cold damage.
Thalynmar: (stupid voice) Half if you save.
Eben: Which you won’t.
Krixxix: So there’s going to be five dragons that come pouring out of this thing.
DM: There will be one GOD. That comes pouring out of this thing.

Raven moves forward to attack Tiamat, because that’s what he does.

Raven: Um, 15 to hit.
Maldrake: No.
DM: N-no.
Maldrake: You don’t go into a Tiamat fight with a 15.
Thalynmar: When you get to mid-20’s, start asking.
Raven: 29.
DM: 49?!
Raven: 29!
Maldrake: That might hit.
DM: Yep.
Thalynmar: Detect AC!
Maldrake: I’m done, I’m done.
Raven: So did I hit or did I not hit—
DM: (anguished) YOU HIT!

They become slightly less cynical when a modified 20 hits. As much as is possible for this group, anyway. Krixxix gets his dragonslaying arrow.. and the DM moves Rezmir forward.

Maldrake: Oh! Oh! “COME ON! I’M READY! DO IT! THIS IS IT!”
DM: She motions you forward with the greatsword. “Duel me beneath the feet of the Dragon Queen!”
Maldrake: Oh! I got this! You go take care of the dragon – I’m like scrambling off the mount. “Mount, take it him to the dragon!” Oh, I’m ready!

Lualyrr plans to lob chain lightning into the fray, as the DM points out that Tiamat has five heads and five associated colors. She sends in Bigby’s Hand instead, promptly critting. Raven gets bitten on a legendary action. Lualyrr blows crit damage calculation and somehow does over max damage, because she rolled too many dice.

DM: Rezmir readies her sword in an action, so you will duel in an epic clash of arms as you approach her.
Thalynmar: “Don’t worry, I got the big bugger!”
Maldrake: “Yes! I see you have the easy job!”
Eben: NOW I’m contemplating snapping the staff.

Maldrake blasts into Rezmir viciously, double-smiting her as she trades a blow to him. The greatsword Rezmir wields stabs him; the DM rolls terrible, but the curse goes into effect, and Maldrake cannot heal his wounds.

DM: Rezmir drops to her knees, releasing the handle of the sword. “Harizwhan has fed on you. Enjoy her death talons…” Inside your stomach you can feel an unsettling vibration as the sword chuckles.
Thalynmar: It’s an intelligent sword!
Maldrake: In a past life I feel this has happened befoooore…
Eben: Yeah, it just wants to be returned to Seacrest.

Maldrake responds to this news with a kind of weird tactic.

Maldrake: “If we beat Tiamat, can I be your master? Come on. You can feed off other people.”
DM: “Are—are—are you willing to do evil?”
Maldrake: “We’ll talk later.”
Thalynmar: Your paladinhood has been stripped from you.
DM: You picked the WORST TIME to fall!
Maldrake: I’m high off blood! I’m dying here, folks! The problem is, I’m still at full health. The 25 points of damage he did to me is barely an eighth of my pool. “I don’t think you have that much of a bargain here. You’ve missed every vital organ. All of them. You’ve hit the holy vital organ, I guess.”
DM: “Look, I’m pretty sure I nicked your pancreas in here. Pretty sure that’s a pancreas, dude.”
Maldrake: “Ouch. That hurts.” Can I still move as normal?
DM: Yes.
Maldrake: Is it, like, cumbersome—
DM: --TAKE THE SWORD OUT OF YOU.
Maldrake: Oh.
DM: It’s not a fleshgrinding weapon!
Thalynmar: ‘This is cumbersome!’
DM: At the end of it. (miming removing the sword) ‘Ohhhhhh!’
Thalynmar: ‘Lava tubes!’

Damage gets put on Tiamat, but the black dragon head and one massive foreleg emerge. Thalynmar gets a claw hit. Krixxix fires the dragonslaying arrow, rolls a 1, then halfling-luck rolls that into a 20. The group is thrilled!

DM: Look, I really hate to tell you this, but Tiamat is technically a FIEND because she’s a god.
Thalynmar: Oh. Yeah, that – that does – it sucks, but it makes sense.
DM: Tiamat is not considered a dragon for this purpose. She is more powerful than a mortal dragon for all intents and purposes.
Maldrake: Oh, I thought you were saying we can’t crit her.
DM: Oh, you can crit her, you can crit the shit out of her.
Krixxix: Then I’m gonna keep that shit.
DM: Too late, you already fired it!
Krixxix: In my house in Skyrim, it’s going up in that little ledge.
Thalynmar: I’m going to break in your house when you’re retired, I’m going to take it and slam it into your knee.

The group plans to bury Krixxix in shortbows. He deals 108 damage, as Thalynmar barely saves against a breath attack. Then less barely saves as Thalynmar reminds him of the +2 to hit. Raven continues to roll 2 damage for days. Damage continues to fly on all sides; Lualyrr and Maldrake fight over who gets to heal him. The green head emerges!

Krixxix: She retreats into the portal. Recharges.
Thalynmar: It’s not until she’s fully out that you actually do damage to her! Fuck you!
DM: She comes out. Full heal. Ha!
Thalynmar: I would flip this table.
DM: You would kill me.
Thalynmar: I would flip it on top of you.
Lualyrr: I would smother you in your sleep.
Thalynmar: I would do it with my ass.

The group plots to trip Tiamat and shove her back through the portal with eldritch blast. Raven crits with the vorpal axe, though Tiamat can’t lose a head. Tiamat unleashes acid on Raven, but her save DCs are so high he can’t even shield-evade them. Lualyrr delivers some low damage, then Thalynmar gets cold-blasted. Eldritch blasts rain down on Tiamat.

Maldrake: No, that won’t work. I still have Banishment up, if I can somehow get past a god’s save. I would love… It’d just be her saving and the DM somehow rolling a 1 and slapping his head as he walks away from GMing forever. I want to do that, so…
Eben: I think he’s… maybe hoping that we come out on top….

Thalynmar gets bitten! The blue head emerges from the portal, along with Tiamat’s second claw. Thalynmar actually dodges a claw attack and earns the full attention and ire of the Dragon Queen. And a second attack that hits.

Eben: Yeah, you’ll make it. Unless he crit.
Maldrake: No, he’s already rolling dice. He would’ve done the ‘WOOHOO!’ that he does.
Eben: Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt here.
Maldrake: Which he does every time he crits.
Krixxix: Another crit?
DM: Did you apply your auto-disasdvantage?
Krixxix: What?
DM: Your auto-disadvantage.
Maldrake: Shut the hell up!
Thalynmar: Don’t listen to him! Just roll!
DM: For being Krixxix!
Thalynmar: Ah, the Krixxix penalty.

Krixxix does an awe-inspiring 109. Raven whacks away, spending more superiority dice, and gets blasted in return. Lualyrr unloads a Power Word: Heal on Raven to save his butt, and then the DM annihilates Raven with a bite from Tiamat.

DM: I rolled a lot of 10s on that damage…
Raven: I’ll see you guys later, I guess.

Thalynmar realizes he’s failed to account for his 3 DR this entire time. Maldrake pours healing into Raven, and the red dragon head emerges at last in a fanfare of plane-violating energy. One great roar at last pounds the full majesty of the Dragon Queen into the onlookers, and dragon fear is rolled. They speculate rather futilely about just how much Tiamat has left in the tank, as some of them are stricken by fear. Tiamat turns her attention entirely to Thalynmar.

DM: “You’re not so brave now that you face the true might of a god… I can sense the soul that lies within you. I will snuff it out.”
Eben: Don’t listen to that. Let’s show this prehistoric bitch how we do things downtown.
Thalynmar: “Ya can’t bury a dwarf!”
DM: “You are a dragon. And you are mine.”
Thalynmar: “Dragon Queen’s insane, too…”

Thalynmar gets tail-slapped so hard he loses some teeth, while Maldrake realizes he has bonuses against fiends he should be applying. The feared opponents vigorously spit on the Manslayer, then they all sing One-Winged Angel while sobbing. Damage continues to flood out on all sides.

Lualyrr: Well, I’ve still got spell slots left!
Thalynmar: ‘Shatter!’
Lualyrr: Bigby’s Fist again!
DM: God damn it!
Thalynmar: It’s back.
Lualyrr: And it’s got a new trick…
Maldrake: I thought you guys were gonna go with the easy fisting.

Thalynmar threatens to rip the DM’s Jigglypuff apart. Raven falls, then doesn’t fall, then DOES fall! Somehow it turns into a weird Punch-Out! parody; how, precisely, is a mystery.

Eben: Just kill us already!
DM: I’m working on it!
Eben: I meant her, not you.
DM: “I’m working on it.”
Thalynmar: Contingency plan, that’s all I keep saying…
Eben: I’m… you know. When all is lost, that’s what’s going to happen.
Thalynmar: Let’s just… make sure we do what we gotta do.
DM: The staff refuses to be snapped. ‘I’m not your bitch,’ it says.
Eben: Snapping it could probably enable it to show up and eat her itself…

Thalynmar gets withered down by blows – and then Tiamat speaks a word of blasphemous power, some spell that straight out kills Raven and Thalynmar! Maldrake ducks a bite, Krixxix misses, Lualyrr fists Tiamat--

DM: Stop critting Tiamat!
Lualyrr: NO!

The players are starting to despair, since Tiamat has taken an immense wealth of damage and endured it all. The DM tries to sell them on the heroic nature of their desperate stand; they aren’t having it. The blue dragon head tries to take down Eben, and then Maldrake steps up.

Maldrake: My last….
Thalynmar: “God of Vengeance! EAT MY COCK!”
Maldrake: That’s a little better. 35.
DM: Your final blow strikes the Dragon Queen, and at last the energy that you have poured into her is too much to take. The portal behind her, still roaring with force, abruptly seems to exert a hideous pull on her.
Maldrake: While you’re being descriptive. (moving his miniature to Raven, then Thalynmar) Revivify. I didn’t use all my fourth-level spells yet…
DM: The Dragon Queen slams her claws into the ground, trying to resist the pull, and for a moment this works. The strength of a portal is no match for the might of a god.
Maldrake: I’m doing the paladin thing! I’m taking a knee and praying. ‘Strike this bitch down!”
DM: But her body is beginning to discorporate. With a rip and a tear, half of her body shreds off and flies back into the portal. Shrieking and screaming, she claws futilely at the ground, only for the portal’s strength to draw her in. Rips her back to the Abyss, and seas shut. Eben, you die.
Eben: Frulam Mondath is also dead?
DM: Yes, he died in the tumult outside. As your body collapses, and the last of the animating life force trickles out of it, you feel a sudden warmth.
Eben: Cthulhu, summon me home!
DM: Golden light bathes Eben’s body. You remember as breath fills your lungs for the first time in what seems like forever, a certain dragon who had been very evasive about what exactly the spell he cast up you would do. You sit up, finding breath in your body and a beating heart once more. No pull to slay Tiamat. No connection to the Great Old One.
Thalynmar: The staff devours you.
DM: The staff seems no more than a piece of wood, inert in your hands now. Sound appears to return abruptly, though you realize it’s been there this entire time. The shrieking of thousands of dragons, fleeing. The cries of victory, the rallying horns of the Council outside.
Maldrake: FRODOOOO!
DM: Unexpectedly, the front door bursts open.
Thalynmar: Tiamat!? Uh-oh.
DM: “WHERE’S THE DRAGON QUEEN!?” roars Blagothkus as he stalks in. You wondered what the ice tumbling down from the center tower was? He crashed Castle Skyreach into the Temple of Tiamat to engage.
Thalynmar: That’s AWESOME.
Eben: Wow. If only he’d done that two minutes ago.
DM: He was busy fighting dragons up top,
Eben: I’m appreciative of the entrance. It’s literally the ending of every Die Hard Lethal Weapon movie. Here are the cops!
DM: Maldrake, you’re still kneeled over Thalynmar, trying to get his form to accept the arcane energies.
Thalynmar: Oh. I’m not alive.
DM: Thalynmar, you have a choice. You have earned redemption.
Maldrake: There’s women and drinks to be had, buddy! Take it!
Eben: Oh, you?!
Thalynmar: I’m actually a gold dragon.

Silence.

Eben: Wha—huh?!
Thalynmar: Yeah, my character is a gold dragon who did wrong and was cursed by Bahamut into a mortal form.
Eben: Have we known this the whole time?!
Maldrake: No. We did not know.
Thalynmar: Thalynmar does not know.

Discovering he can take dwarf shape at will, Thalynmar accepts his redemption and returns to his dragon form. Maldrake finds himself channeling the awesome power of Bahamut himself to raise Thalynmar, surviving it only by having just SLAIN a god.

Maldrake: Hold on, hold on, I don’t get to become a cool dragon?! (heaving a sigh)
Lualyrr: “Holy shit! If my hair wasn’t white it would be now!”
Eben: Finally I realize what going on. So I’m not a warlock any more…
DM: You can choose to walk that path once again… if you desire.
Eben: I already regretted being a warlock before all of this even happen.
Maldrake: (making weird gestures) Oh man, that’s awesome.
DM: You awaken to being molested, I guess.
Thalynmar: “Off, get off.”
DM: You’ve never heard a dragon with a dwarven accent before, but now you have,.
Thalynmar: “It’s all right, I like it.”
Maldrake: Maybe you can talk the other dragons into not taking all the treasure.
DM: “DRAGON!” roars Blagothkus, raising his club.
Maldrake: “No, it’s okay, it’s okay!”
Eben: Who else is here? Sulesdag? Ontharr Fruume?
Thalynmar: “You’ll have to forgive me, friends, I did not know my true form—“ (noticing the DM making bludgeoning motions) Is he really attacking me?
DM: Ineffectually at best.
Lualyrr: And I’m doing like this around Balgothkus’s ankle. (miming clinging)
DM: “WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I’M SLAYING A DRAGON!”
Lualyrr: “But he’s a good dragon!”
DM: “I’M A GIANT! I DON’T CARE!”
Lualyrr: “You gotta stop, that’s Thalynmar!”
DM: “Wait. Little dwarf guy?”
Thalynmar: “Aye. That is me, Blagothkus.”
DM: “I’ll be damned.”
Maldrake: Hey Bahamut, can we get a fake head of her, so we have some proof…?
Thalynmar: We’re gonna be heroes, don’t worry about it.
DM: Abruptly, you have a sense that somewhere behind you, a little banner popped up that says, “Achievement Unlocked.”

The armies of the Council pour in as they scoop up the three masks, and the PCs are proclaimed heroes of the realm. Everyone likes them now! Except Thay. Since nothing could top killing a god, the campaign ends here… and so we put to bed the Rise of the Dragon Queen, with our heroes victorious.

Thanlymar.