The game begins with the transcriber being ruthlessly abused by the rest of the group, because he is unloved and if these games could transcribe themselves they would wish death upon him. It also begins with some video calls troubles.

Hanzo: We’ve got AOL 98 Pan, it’s like two frames per second.
Aiden: Why is it running at like – this is like one frame per minute!
Hanzo: You’ve Got Mail.

Pan hangs up and calls again. Aliarra has to beg someone to actually answer it. Things are better now, though, so they can proceed!

Hanzo: We won.
DM: Yay!
Aliarra: Tiamat!
Hanzo: There was an alien in the dropship, so we crash-land on a planet. Everyone’s dead but Aliarra.
DM: You beat Turgoth the Pure. Uhhhh… you get the heart, reraise Kalroth, the end, bye.

Star Wars end music goes here.

DM: Um, all right. When you last left off you had won the battle against Turgoth the Pure. The field is yours.
Hanzo: We level up to 13
DM: And NOW I go upstairs.
Aliarra: “I’m hesitant to suggest this, but perhaps we should check inside his corpse.”
Cissy: Oh, I was about to set it on fire to make sure he didn’t come back.
Aiden: Time to roll my Medicines! Not Autopsies…
Hanzo: We have all the pieces of Kalroth, now we have to assemble him—
Aliarra: We don’t have the heart.
Hanzo: And fight—where was the heart?
Aliarra: We don’t know. That’s why I’m saying we need to check inside.
Cissy: Heaaaaart.
Aliarra: The real heart was the friends we made along the way.

The adventure promptly gets ridiculous, as Aiden sharpens a crossbow bolt to cut Turgoth open. No one has a knife, really?!

DM: You take someone’s sword and slash across his chest, the wound opening up. Surprisingly dry in there.
Aliarra: Not too surprising if he’s using a borrowed heart.
DM: No, in fact, where his heart should be, you just see a crumpled mass of darkened flesh. Next to that you do see something slender, seems to be covered in quicksilver.
Hanzo: ‘I forgot. Your heart is on the right.’
Aiden: Getting on my medical gloves…
Aliarra: …the gloves!

The quicksilver is in fact quintessence, the preservative! Aiden eats the mysterious substance and becomes Jason Vorhees, apparently. He brushes off the quintessence to see what is beneath!

Aliarra: It’s a music box?
DM: What?! I LIKE MUSIC BOXES!

It’s a slender black crystal. Hanzo declares this to be the heart and is reminded that it is not the heart. Cissy rolls Knowledge(Arcana) and determines this is some sort of phylactery. It must be destroyed!

Hanzo: ‘It cannot be destroyed, Aiden son of Waiden, by any craft we here possess…’

Aliarra and Mrrshala beat the shit out of it with Elder Mountain Hammer, releasing a black smog that they apparently cannot catch. Turgoth the Pure is no more. But where’s Moresh, they wonder?

Aiden: I’m kind disappointed. I was hoping this whole castle would start collapsing.
Hanzo: This session is going to be the escape. We killed the Mother Brain, now we get out… I’m sure Denelos will show up with the heart or something like that.
DM: I did mention something at the end of last campaign… You haven’t been upstairs.
Aliarra: Oh, there’s a door! The door –
DM: Hold on hold on hold on, I can actually say you never saw the upstairs physically. It wasn’t in view.
Aliarra: Yeah I wasn’t flying or nothing.
DM: You were paying attention to the battle.
Aliarra: We go upstairs, how about that?
Aiden: We open the door. ‘Ho ho ho, travelers, I’m taking the rest of the parts of Azeroth…’
Aliarra: Moresh already did that to us earlier this campaign.
Cissy: Denelos says, ‘Thank you…’
Aliarra: I already predicted he was a lich, for the record. ‘Why did the ritual fail? The only reason it would fail is if… the subject was undead!’
Cissy: Cissy goes, ‘Denelos is going to destroy the world? Eh, I liked the guy anyways.’
Aliarra: I figured out the most unsatisfying way to end a campaign you expect a sequel to. ‘Now my shecret is out. But I’ll take thoshe parts sho you can’t have them. Massh Dominate, you don’t remember this.’ And we go live our lives thinking we won.
Cissy: Dimensional Door, he goes to another dimension. ‘Goodbye.’
Aliarra: DIMENSION DOOR DOESN’T DO THAT!
Cissy: It does now.
Hanzo: Tenser’s Floating Disc does that!

They head up the stairs to a double door, which Aliarra kicks open. They try to make her roll a Reflex save, with minimal success.

DM: You kick open the door and are greeted with a large domed room. It is fairly featureless, except for a white and black heart that stands in the center.
Mrrshala: There we go, there it is.
Hanzo: It’s like an Oreo cookie.
Aliarra: Ehlorra is readying an action and I’m moving forward.
DM: As you move forward, from behind the heart stands a creature, entirely comprised of what seems to be metal, that seems to be containing writhing energy within.
Aliarra: Ehlorra manifests Retrieve. You automatically teleport an item you can see to your hand.
DM: It fails.
Aliarra: Aww, bullshit!
Aiden: You really thought that would work?
Aliarra: I got it specifically to do that, to foil their plans?
Aiden: You really think that would work?
Aliarra: …I thought he’d give me a better reason.
Aiden: Did you REALLY think that would work.
DM: There’s a reason. There is a reason. Sorry.
Aiden: I wouldn’t have a reason. Fuck that.
Aliarra: Yeah, you had anti-cutscene-interrupting robots! I threw a fireball, the robots were like, ‘Nope, the final boss is still speaking!’ That’s some crap right there!
DM: You’ve seen a couple of izual in your time, but this one seems a little different.
Aiden: I wish I had taken the time to heal us…

They attempt to walk over and promptly Three-Stooges into an invisible wall. A quick attack proves to everyone’s satisfaction that it’s a Wall of Force.

Aliarra: Disintegrate takes that sucker down.
Cissy: Yeah, but I don’t like you enough.
Aiden: Are there any convenient trees planted next to it? I will use Tree Stride at some point…

Cissy casts Disintegrate. The wall goes down. The izual promptly raises it again. Hanzo teleports through it with his magic boots. It fails. Pan is out of Dimension Doors, so that’s no go. They attempt to set up camp for a rest.

Aiden: Oh! Will that work?! Finally! Stone Shape! Take the stone and form a door within the wall of force!
Aliarra: Form a tunnel underneath it. He’ll just form another wall of force directly where we show up.
Aiden: We’re going to try it! I have a scroll of Stone Shape, we’re finally going to fucking use it! Boom, tunnel, underneath—
DM: Exactly what Aliarra says happens.
Aiden: I’m fucking RPing it, damn it! Now, scroll of Plant Growth, we’ll grow a tree inside. I’m gonna go through these scrolls, DM!
Hanzo: I’m going to sit down and meditate.
Aliarra: Yeah, we wait for the deus ex machina to show up.
Hanzo: Denelos, we summon you!
Aiden: Oh, damn it, it’s a touch spell. I was gonna enlarge him till he squishes himself.
Aliarra: I’m gonna try to call Denelos through the necklace.
Aiden: Go for it, I’m busy wasting scrolls…
Aliarra: “Denelos. We’ve got a bullshit izual… He’s all like Wall of Force, because he’s got no actual skills.”
DM: No one answers.
Aliarra: That’s what I thought. Well, we lose.
DM: There’s one thing you haven’t tried, and it’s very simple.
Hanzo: I blow on the wall of force.
Pan: What’s the situation again…?
Aiden: Put all the parts on yourself.
Aliarra: No!
Aiden: Take it all in.
Aliarra: It’s suicide!
DM: A portal opens up next to you all, and out walks another izual.
Aliarra: Oh, Divination! …it better be Divination. Otherwise we’re rolling initiative.
Aiden: Awkward Sexual Desires izual?
DM: “I see you’ve reached Abjuration’s spot.”
Aliarra: Wall of Force is evocation…
DM: Or IS it Wall of Force?
Aliarra: They’re all governed by the secret 10th izual: bullshit!
DM: If you want to know the answer, all izual can cast all spells, they’re just really good at their own. Fuck you. He cants his head towards you all. “Have you tried talking to him?”
Aiden: “Well, technically, with Wall of Force up he can’t hear us.”
Aliarra: “Yeah. There is that.”
DM: “But you have not attempted it.”
Aiden: Because he can’t hear us. I know how Wall of Force works! I know how walls work.
DM: “You do not wish to TRY to parley?”
Aiden: Knowledge(sign language), here we go.
Hanzo: I will approach the wall, hands at my sides.
DM: He waves you back.
Cissy: ‘I don’t trust the ninja!’
DM: “He was protecting the heart from those of evil.”
Cissy: Cissy walks up.
Hanzo: Yep. Her.
Aliarra: Yeah.
DM: “The first mistake either one of these fools made was to let go of the heart at the first notice. The izual are loyal to Kalroth.”
Aiden: What was the end goal, here? Once we got all the parts?
Aliarra: “I thought they were controlled. Otherwise why would they even end up fighting us in the first place?”
DM: “One needs to possess the heart to control us completely. The moment they put it down is the moment we took our actions.”
Aiden: We got all the parts together—
Aliarra: NOW we restore Kalroth, in the person of Denelos.
Hanzo: What? We turn Denelos into Kalroth?
Aliarra: Well, he gets the power. It’s kind of hard at that point to say where Kalroth ends and Denelos begins, it’s kind of a Raistlin/Fistandantilus sort of thing.
Hanzo: Ohh.
Mrrshala: (a displeased noise, because she hates Dragonlance)
Aliarra: What was that noise?!
Mrrshala: Displeasure.
Aiden: “We want to ensure the power doesn’t fall into the wrong hands. Please let us get the heart.”
DM: “I told you it was not necessary to speak.”
Aliarra: (weird motions)
DM: What are you doing?
Aliarra: Testing if the wall is still there.
DM: It is gone.
Aliarra Okay. How the fuck were we supposed to know?! It’s not like there’s a bigass sign that says, “Wall of Force is: OUT.”
DM: He was going to tell you! You guys keep jumping to conclusions at this point. It’s fantastic.
Aliarra: We’re PCs, we’re used to it.

Aliarra steps up to take the heart, and begins cackling madly till Mrrshala smacks her. The entire group descends into a frenzy of cannibalistic eager.

Aliarra: “All right, heart. Welcome to my smelly backpack!”
DM: You can feel the other parts practically hum in anticipation.
Aliarra: This is tingly…
Aiden: Aliarra, did you remember to turn off your vibrators? They’re going off again.
Aliarra: Damn you Mind of Kalroth! (a pause) I should have talked to him more recently. I hope he doesn’t get bored in there…
DM: Two more portals open up, and two more izual walk in.
Aliarra: “Denelos, do you hear me now?”
DM: (repeating angry staticy words)

A sketch results; Denelos at McDonald’s. Then Denelos at the strip club. Then Denelos’s casting couch. The izual open a portal to the outside and bid the group follow.

Aliarra: “Any of you guys, while we’re on your good side, happen to know where we left a minotaur?”
DM: Divination looks over at you. “He is with the werewolves.”
Aliarra: “Okay, good.”
DM: “He was not able to pass through the fog as you all were.”
Aliarra: Poor guy. Sad life, being an NPC.
Aiden: ‘He’s at the IHOP.’
Aliarra: He always was good at scouting out food.
DM: “Most outcomes see him sharing a glorious death with the Randolfir.”
Aliarra: “Well let’s try to wrap this up before glorious death comes upon him.”

They bid a fond farewell to the final dungeon, questioning if they are okay with Moresh not being found. Hanzo dubs it a gaiden game in the making.

Hanzo: That’s just a saying among my people.
DM: Shut up, gaiden. Get the fuck out of here.
Cissy: We never actually learned your real name, did we.
Aliarra: Yeah we did.
DM: Beirut.
Hanzo: I said just keep going ahead and calling me ‘Hanzo’.
Aliarra: Hanzo is the name his friends know him as. Beirut is his slave name.
DM: Beirut X!
Aiden: Did you say Babe Ruth?
Aliarra: Beirut Kinte.
DM: Who? I thought his name was Toby. Old Toby.
Aiden: We went through the portal, right?
DM: Yes. You’re back on the snowy fields. Lines of undead, although there are a lot more of them now. They seem to have senses that their master, or at least one of them is dead.

For the first time ever, Aliarra urges Cissy to hurl fireballs into the fray. Aiden starts dispensing some healing. Cissy begs to use her Stinking Cloud-Gust of Wind combo; they point out that these are undead and don’t breathe. The DM tries to slow them down to actually narrate the game: the fog begins to lift, and they hear the howling of wolves in the distance!

DM: The Randolfir have returned to the world, for their last, most glorious battle. In the other direction you hear trumpets.
Aliarra: And one very laid-back trumpet.
DM: Not too far off from the truth. The horns of the children of Skeldric are not known for fanfare.

Aiden gears up for some serious undead nuking; Aliarra reminds him they actually have a mission. He walks off.

Aliarra: It’s too soon for you to fade into legend! We have to finish the campaign first!
Aiden: I scanned an Amiibo into the DM’s beard. Now I have Epona in the game.
DM: “One of our kind is missing.”
Aliarra: “One of the ones we destroyed earlier?”
DM: “No, the three of those, their crystals await.” He goes to your backpack, lifts open the flap, pulls out the Mind of Kalroth, hands it to Aiden. “Give him the heart.”
Aiden: Boy, this – this is gonna end well for us.
Aliarra: I ready a trip. I’m just saying, I’ve got the hook of my frickin’ weapon around his ankle.
Aiden: (putting the book on his head like a hat) Is this how I channel it?
DM: Sure! Going down in history looking like an idiot. Fantastic. In your mind, you hear, “Worry not, Aiden. With my help you will not go insane. Now open your mind.” And give me a Wisdom saving throw.
Aiden: Hooray.
Aliarra: ‘With my help you won’t go insane, meh meh MEH meh meh.’
Aiden: 30.
DM: Well done. With the +100 with the Mind of Kalroth, you don’t go insane.
Aliarra: He could’ve rolled a 1.
DM: With the Mind of Kalroth, you reroll once. Two ones!? Welp, you’ve gone insane. Five minds open to yours. “We obey.”
Hanzo: Ooh, now you get to say it.
DM: The fifth one that was missing sounds like a torrent of chaos. The Izual of Invocation is yours to command. You can sense him hovering above the battleground, ready to unleash—
Hanzo: Meteo.
Aliarra: Oh my God I’m so happy Aiden got this power and not Cissy!
Aiden: “Come down.”
Aliarra: Destroy. (a pause) Destroy skeletons! Specify targets!
DM: The fifth izual descends in front of you. This one looks a lot different from the other ones. His metal looks twisted and mangled. The energy below him seems to be churning constantly, almost in rage.
Aiden: “Dispel and obliterate the undead forces. Make them stop.”
Aliarra: ‘Don’t hurt our guys.”
Hanzo: A stop sign appears before the undead!
Aliarra: I’m just saying, we have a genie here, let’s word our wishes carefully.
DM: Its eyes flare up, and it rises to the sky.
Aliarra: ‘Stop ME from killing, will—‘ Not us also! NOT US ALSO! Oh god! What have we done!?

Evocation is unleashed on the forces quite ominously. Aiden becomes convinced that Evocation is trying to betray them, leading to the group to argue whether or not he’s on the ball. Aliarra gets very snarky.

Aliarra: He can cast ALL spells. (stupid voice) ‘I’m gonna cast Control Undead because I’m Invocation! Stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself!’
DM: These things are beings of arcane power, leave me alone!
Aliarra: I’m just saying he’s not going to do that!
DM: No, he’s not!
Aiden: (poking Aliarra in the side)
Aliarra: Just – ow! Ow! Why does that hurt so much?! I don’t understand!
DM: Now you broke Aliarra.
Aiden: I wasn’t trying to.
Aliarra: (helplessly laughing for no reason) Why?!

Lances of fire and horrible arcane devastation wrack the undead. Cissy misses all of it somehow. The Izual takes the book back, and Denelos speaks in muffled tone through the necklace.

DM: “Thank god, I thought I’d never see you again!”
Aliarra: “WHAT?! What the hell do you mean you never thought you’d see us again?!”
DM: “I was worried, okay?!”
Alairra: “What, are you going to drop deal of old age, because that was the only reason you weren’t going to see us again, old man!”
Cissy: As Denelos goes, ‘Is Cissy with you?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Oh.’

Denelos opens a portal to the ritual site, and after ridiculous delays, Aliarra steps through the portal.

DM: You step through the portal. And die. Yay! (stupid music)
Aiden: The real monster is dead.
Aliarra: Was this whole campaign a false-flag operation to kill Aliarra? Because you could have done that back when I was level 3.

They step into the ritual chamber, with the statue of Emgrad Sulimir looking down at them. Denelos beams brightly at them.

Aliarra: “All right. Let’s get you to the altar and cut you open.”
DM: What?
Aliarra: “I don’t know how this works. I’m assuming.”
DM: “I know how it worksh, Aliarra.”
Aliarra: “Well you could have told us.”
Hanzo: You just stand there, and all the parts fly out of your backpack…
Aiden: It’s a pity before he said that, he was already knocked out. We just open him up and start replacing parts.
DM: You open your backpack to throw in the parts, and candy comes out. Uh-oh.
Aiden: The wrong backpack. Just some kids in some opposite dimension is just eating the brains. ‘So good! Yummy candy!’
DM: I’m still blanking on that game, where you throw candy at animals and wear their skins.

A pause.

Aiden: The Dream Master.
Aliarra: Little Nemo.
DN: Thank you, that’s what it was.
Aliarra: That’s not QUITE how it worked.
DM: You look at him wearing that mole outfit and you tell me. “All right Mr. Mole, this is gonna hurt when you wake up.”

They head into the chamber, where three of the pedestals are now adorned with crystals. Denelos bids the other izual present to crystallize themselves, at which the entire group rolls initiative.

Aiden: (looking at a mini) Is this supposed to be a slave? What is this again?
Aliarra: It’s a flesh golem.
Aiden: Why does it have underwear?
Aliarra: For decency.
Aiden: You’re not gonna make junk on a flesh golem.
Aliarra: If they stitched it out of other corpses, yes they are!
Aiden: Why?! That’s a weakness!
Aliarra: That’s what’s down there!

The izual transform into crystals, which don’t have the decency to put themselves on the pedestals. Denelos takes the heart as they put the other parts on the pedestals – which diverts into a long argument over whether they uncover the head or not.

DM: As you gaze upon the head of Kalroth, you suffer what feels to be a little bit of eye strain. That’s about it.
Cissy: It hurts. I close my eyes.
DM: “It sheemsh with all the partsh together, they’re potenshy’s kalmed.”
Aliarra: “Oh, poor mind of Kalroth.”

Evocation shows up, crystallizes himself, and the group predicts Moresh will show up to hijack the ritual. Or that Denelos is Moresh! Denelos chants in the Black Tongue, and light erupts from the heart!

DM: It fills the room, until all you can see is nothing but the brilliant and warm light. And when the light dies down, there curled naked on the floor lies a man.
Hanzo: What is a man?
DM: Long brown hair now adorns the top of his head. His physique almost perfect, statuesque.
Hanzo: Is it still Denelos?
DM: No. This does not look like Denelos.
Aliarra; What’s the statue of the izual crystals> And the parts?
DM: They’re gonee.
Aliarra: Is there still light down here?
DM: Couple candles. The form begins to stand up, and as it does, a robe – poof! – adorns the body, It’s light enough to see…
Aiden: I’ll throw a light spell, which for me is a sunlight spells, so the room is lit. It’s like 120 feet of light, 240 feet of dim.
Aliarra: I step towards the figure.
DM: It turns, and you see one of the most perfect faces you have ever seen. And he plays a small smile upon his face, but in this tiny gesture you feel the warmth of a thousand fires.
Aiden: I kinda feel like right now we should be playing the Jurassic Park music.
DM: His eyes sparkle a crystal blue.
Aliarra: There’s one way to be certain. We just have to hear him speak.

A very long pause. Mockery ensues.

DM: He takes a hand and rests it on your shoulder. Careful of the spikes.
Aliarra: (mimes impaling a hand) ‘Even as a god, this was foolish.’
DM: “Aliarra, my child.”
Aliarra: Oh good, recognition – wait. “Say ‘smoke’, please.”
DM: “Smoke.”
Aliarra: “…the greatest part of him is gone.”
Aiden: “Is it over?”
DM: “Denelos’s sacrifice will not be in vain.”
Aliarra: “I was SO hoping he would get the power himself.”
Hanzo: Damn. He’s gone.
Aliarra: “There must be some part of him that lives on in Kalroth. I’ll believe that.”
DM: “Of course there’s a part, and as I said, he will not die in vain. I have plans for Denelos.”
Aliarra: ‘Behold, Lich King Denelos, your new master.’
DM: “I must ask you one more favor. I know you’ve done so much.”
Aliarra: “We have much more to do before we’re done.”
Aiden: (skeptical noise)
Aliarra: “I have much more to do before we’re done.”

Kalroth requests a very small part of each of them. They begin sawing off their flesh; Kalroth quickly stops them, and instead draws out a small spark of light. They begin leveling their characters down. Kalroth sets the sphere composed of their essence on the ground, breaks it, apologizes, and collects another round to make – DENELOS!

DM: Still the same age. Thank Kalroth, that asshole.
Aiden: We didn’t get a chance to mourn.
DM: Kalroth waves his hand, and he’s adorned with clothes once more.
Aliarra: I wasn’t gonna mourn, I assumed he lived on forever as part of Kalroth.
Aiden: We still didn’t have, like, a moment to pretend like he was dead. You’ve ruined it.
Kalroth: “I figured you’d like him alive more than you would dead.”
Aiden: “Yeah….” One of my last things, to become a full cleric of Denerim, I have to perform a funeral.
Aliarra: (mimes killing Cissy)
Aiden: Well, that checks off the other bubble. Perform an execution on a murderer.
Aliarra: I just did!

Kalroth tells them Denelos will be his avatar; he has returned to the world, and the izual will never again be more than a part of him. The battle up north goes well for their side. Cissy grovels.

Cissy: “If I continue to serve you, can I blow up more stuff?”
DM: “Shhhhhhh.” I need a Will save. Roll a 20.
Cissy: 9, plus uh—
DM: No. You fall asleep.
Aiden: That’s all we had to do? We could’ve bought, like, sixty scrolls of sleep, and at the start of a battle- ‘Wake up!’
DM: Puts a hand on her head and says, “Her heart’s in the right place, but that mind is SO chaotic.”
Aiden: That’s all we had to do? Put her to sleep between battles?
Cissy: Yeah, but knowing you fools you’d forget me somewhere. You guys would be like halfway down the river…
Aiden: We’d carry you around in a little halfing-shaped suitcase.
Cissy: ‘I think we forgot – aww, crap, we left Cissy at the end.’
Aliarra: “I do have one favor, at the end, to ask you.”
DM: “In a moment, child.”
Cissy: “Haaaa, child.”
DM: ‘…Aren’t you sleeping?’
Cissy: ‘I’m DREAMING.’
DM: “There is one more matter I need to take care of.”

Kalroth strides into the main hall where the statue is; Aiden briefly and deliriously begs for the talking statue to be there, before being reminded that wasn’t even this campaign. The other gods of the world are assembled there!

DM: A very tall slender man wearing white and red robes. His hair and brow and wreathed in flame. His eyes blaze bright as the sun.
Aiden: “AH! AH! PRAISE BE!”
DM: He smiles at you. Next to him, towering above him—
Aliarra: You see a blind, crippled retard! God of ninjas.
Aiden: That’s so wrong!
Hanzo: That’s so true.
DM: A towering suit of iron-clad person, all manner of weapons strapped to his back.
Mrrshala: And that’s when Aliarra and Mrr are just presenting arms.
DM: A great beard flows from beneath his helm.

The other gods are also there, lovingly described but less relevant to the group. Except for Drek’thelar, skulking in the back! Kalroth greets his children.

DM: “I would say my son and I have much to discuss.” (sighing) “I tire of discussions. So simply for now…” He takes a long hard look at Drek’thelar. A tear runs out of his eye and down his cheek. Then he waves his hand and Drek’thelar is encased in in an orb of light. And it disappears. “He is hereby banished from the land.”
Aiden: That is the word I was trying to think of. For the past 5 minutes.
Hanzo: Banished. Where did he go?
Aliarra: Where DID he go?
DM: “A place of my choosing. That is all that is needed to know.”
Hanzo: King Kai is so pissed.
Aliarra: “If he comes back in my lifetime…”
DM: “I know who to call.”
Aliarra: “You don’t need to call. I’ll be there.”
DM: “No doubt.”

A long pause.

Aliarra: WOULD ANYBODY ELSE LIKE TO TRASH-TALK DREK’THELAR?! Come on guys.
Aiden: Listen, my god is here…
Hanzo: I’m not in a position to trash-talk anybody…

Aliarra beseeches Kalroth for transportation to wherever Moresh is, still eager to take the battle to him and end his threat. The DM just stares at her.

Aiden: DM’s like, “No.”
DM: Not that simple. “Strange, he does not appear to be among this world.”
Aiden: Oh, we’re gonna see him again, or her again, or whatever it is again. Travel to another plane?
Aliarra: Ehlorra’s got plane shift and remote viewing so… this may be where our adventure goes, guys!
Pan: Uh-oh.

The group, who has been asked to figure out their characters’ actions in the 20 years that will separate this campaign from the next one, debates the possibilities for a bit.

Aliarra: Well, there you go. I asked the favor of the Overgod and got turned down. All this was for nothing.
Aiden: Hey! Welcome to the priesthood. That’s exactly what it’s like.
DM: “My apologies for not granting that wish. Is there anything else I can do?”
Aiden: “I thought you were going to wish yourself home or something. ‘I wish to go home, so I can be a ruler of my land.’”
Aliarra: “No! I’ve got so much more to do. Besides, I already am a ruler of my land.”
Aiden: “I mean actually rule your land.”
Aliarra: “No!”
Aiden: Wait. Was there a whole side plot where you found out you couldn’t have a kid or something, that you were barren?
Hanzo: She kept threatening Mrrshala.
Aliarra: NO! THAT WAS YOUR STUPID JOKE! SMITE THEM, THAT’S MY FAVOR!
DM: ‘All right… Sorry, Denerim.’
Aiden: I thought that was the whole reason you picked her as your heir!
Aliarra: I DON’T HAVE AN HEIR! THAT’S ALL! I CAN’T JUST PRODUCE ONE out of nowhere!
DM: I believe she plans to put Griffin Harles in charge while she’s adventuring.
Aliarra: Eventually I’ll have a political marriage and spit out an heir…

The group argues about how many good childbearing years Aliarra has left in a fantasy world, and if it will intersect with her life expectancy as an adventurer. Hanzo vows not to play again until crusaders are written out in 8th Edition.

DM: “If you do not have any other requests, then I shall give you one.” He reaches out and his hand disappears, and he pulls in the body of Ignir.
Aliarra: “Damn, I was hoping we would save him. But we’ll take this gladly.”
DM: “He fell in battle. Doing what does best.”
Aliarra: (muttering darkly about the Izual of Invocation)
DM: “No no, the Randolfir were cleaning up the undead, and he was fighting by their side. He died a hero.”
Hanzo: Revivify.
Aiden: This was definitely longer than a minute ago.
DM: “We can give him a hero’s death and burial. Or we can bring him back. Which do you think he would prefer?”
Hanzo: That’s tough.
Mrrshala: “If he’s anything like my people, he’d want to stay dead, because he died a hero’s death.”
Aliarra: “But if he’s anything like US, he’d want to come back, because there’s still so much more to do.”
Mrrshala: “Is that what you think I would want?”
Aliarra: “We have SO much more to do!”
Aiden: (speaking into his hand) ‘Oh my priest warrior here, Aiden, gets to go to heaven direct!’ ‘What’s that Denerim?’ Slap. ‘Okay, never mind, adventure ho!’
Aliarra: “I’ll die in satisfaction when there is nothing more to do.”
Aiden: Aiden just walks off in a random direction.
Aliarra: “I leave this decision to wiser minds.”
DM: Aiden is like, ‘fuck you!’
Aliarra: Wisdom of… 20! Compared to my 17 – huh. Well look, he’s got a choice to answer the call or not. Give him the choice. When you cast a raise they don’t have to take it.
Hanzo: Well that would be our answer.
Aliarra: Exactly. Give him the choice. Don’t brute-force it. Give him the choice up himself, send a raise up to his spirit, if it turns it down we’ve received an answer and we’ll give him a full glorious burial. But for all we know he has a secret girlfriend. Maybe he’s desperate to see Drusila again.
Mrrshala: Oh my god.
Hanzo: Speaking of Drusila…
DM: Who was not here to roleplay her character, so she’s SOL.
Mrrshala: She went back to her bakery.
Aliarra: From the very beginning, I always assumed that she was a baker who was just along with us for some reason.
Aiden: Who played Drusila!?

Memories of the campaign flood back, along with questions like ‘why was there a trap in that kitchen?’ Kalroth resurrects Ignir, leading to countless Princess Bride jokes before he returns to full form.

Mrrshala: “Well, you get to be right.”
Aliarra: “You say that like it’s the biggest tragedy in the world!”
DM: “Did we win?”
Aliarra: “Meet Kalroth.”
DM: ‘Then we won.’ (mimes dying again) You were both right!’

Kalroth thanks them again, and then vanishes. They realize they’re stuck in the chamber and maybe should have asked for transport back, but Avatar-Denelos is still there, so they hit him up for a ride. Also the other gods are hanging out, so Aiden hits up Denerim for some holy words.

DM: He shakes his head no, and he holds you by the chin, and draws a circle on your forehead. Nothing but warmth. And you feel him draw peaks. He smiles at you.
Aiden: One sec. (mimes snapping a selfie with his god) There we go. Got it. He disappears and he disappears in the photo too. ‘Damn it!’ Listen, I trust my god that he did not do it, but did he draw a dick on my face?
DM: A dickbutt actually. No, there is the image of a sun.
Aiden: I’m Exalted now, boys!
Aliarra: “I have to admit at this late stage I’m a bit conflicted. I SHOULD go back, meet with Faldoun, and accompany the people on the trip back home. But I really WANT to just go home and get a good night’s sleep in my own bed.”

They reluctantly agree to rejoin the army. A sudden weird debate erupts over the platter the head was on and just how the mechanics of that restraining the head’s power worked. They abruptly realize a horrible thing.

Aliarra: We didn’t get loot from any of this!
DM: Ha ha ha! I didn’t have to roll loot for the last three sessions! HA HA HA HA!

Aliarra declares a holiday as soon as she gets back to her barony, but they agree to go back to Faldoun et al. They wind up at a large pavilion tent, elect to keep the ending going, and are let into it!

DM: Standing there with not such a placid look as he usually has, in fact with a big grin on his face, stands Faldoun, still adorned in his armor still, stained with blood and bits of gore.
Aliarra: “Did you already know we won?”
DM: “I had a feeling!”
Aliarra: “Damn it, we came all the way back up here for nothing!”
DM: “It was actually probably the flying creatures destroying the undead that gave me the impression we were on the edge of victory.”
Aliarra: “Well, we’ve done it.”
DM: “It is a great relief to hear. Our campaign up here will continue, we need to mop up the undead.”

Faldoun tells them all he will come back with them. The DM is offered a piece of cake, but having eaten a donut, declines.

Aiden: There’ll be a piece waiting for you for tomorrow, DM.
Cissy: Unless I come over here and eat it for breakfast.
DM: Ha ha – FUCK YOU! Cissy’s dead! There’s your twenty years!
Hanzo: Your piece will be stuffed in half of a coconut donut.

Mead and meat ensue, leaving them somewhat foggy the next day as they set off back to their proper home. The Faldric Empire welcomes them back with honor, and a special commendation and the offer of land to anyone who wishes it.

Aliarra: “Hey, you guys can be my subjects!”
Hanzo: “Subjects? Are you writing a paper?”
Aliarra: You’re already a landed noble.

Hanzo remembers the shogun lived and owes him big. The king patronizes Drusila’s bakery, but wisely shuns commoner food. A feast is held in their honor, along with a ball. (Faldoun refuses to attend.) Aliarra and Hanzo bicker over what they’re wearing to the ball. Ignir parts ways for them when the festivities end, almost dying in the process somehow. And the campaign comes to an end on that triumphant note, but with Moresh still out there and Aliarra vowing to hunt him to the end of the multiverse. We’ll next see this world in twenty years. In character. Maybe also out.