Last time, the PCs had burst in on Turgoth, the Pure, in his crystal from whence he animates armors and stuff to battle them. The game opens straight into battle, with the rolling of initiative.

DM: Is it ‘BAH-tezu’ or ‘BAE-at-e-zu’?
Aliarra: No one cares.

Aliarra is correct. They refresh themselves on the battlefield – statues animate on top of raised areas on each side of the hall, with one large one in front of the crystal holding what is probably Turgoth’s body.

Cissy: Is that Yu-Gi-Oh? Was that show ever worth watching? Because every time I tried to watch it, it was always like, “Blue Eye White Dragon! Oh my God, Blue Eyes White Dragon has been destroyed!”
Aiden: You have to re ally want to see those characters.
Aliarra: You have to unironically enjoy them describing every card every single time.

Aiden opens up the combat with a cast of Mass Aid. The usual jokes about Mass AIDS ensue. Somehow people never get tired of that. The usual jokes about Thunderclap ensue. Like ten years running now, people. Cissy locates her character sheet, so hooray? Pan contemplates a Wall of some sort, leading to some debate over the value of this, especially since it would leave a gap at one or both ends. Why not, they say? Then it turns out Pan had miscalculated his wall size and didn’t leave any gap at all, so. Woo.

Aiden: Oooooh, Wall of Ice! Ooooooooh.

Mrrshala charges the giant armor, dealing a hit and eating an AOO. Cynicism ensues.

Hanzo: The AOO downs you first.
DM: That’s true. Sorry.
Hanzo: (wicked cackling)
DM: As you move in it swings its great sword down on you for 28 points of damage.
Mrrshala: There goes all the temporary hit points…

AOO and threatened space rule discussion ensues, because of course. Two of the enemies on one side move forward, One of them hurls a blast of negative energy! The other misses! Someone takes damage, I’m not sure who! (The whole game report is going to be like this, so don’t expect fun here.)

Aiden: We have Hanzo with us, and he only speaks Swedish. We’re having trouble dealing with his turns.
Hanzo: I can’t do anything.
Aiden: You just charge, (stage-whispering) Don’t worry. You don’t need feet to charge.

Aliarra flies in and takes a swing, beaning it. She picks up her dice, then pauses.

Aliarra: Fire damage separate, or no?
DM: Uh, no, it will not need to be separate.
Aiden: It’s immune to all damage.
Aliarra: Well that kind of sucks for us.
Aiden: We have to love him to death.
Cissy: Get him a girlfriend.
Aiden: IT WOULD HAVE WORKED! Uh, 68 points of damage.
DM: That’s from all of your attacks?
Aliarra: That’s from one. I moved, I don’t get all my attacks… I used Divine Surge.
Aiden: Good God. That wasn’t even a full attack?
Hanzo: 6d7. I want a d7.
DM: My brain’s like, nope. And with that he’s down to exactly 2 hit points, I hate you all.
Aliarra: Don’t be Aiden.
Aiden: What? If you guys killed a guy so fast, I just gave him more hit points on the fly.
DM: I’ve been guilty of that too. ‘I really undergeared these guys for this party…’

The color provided by the holy weapon crystal of Skeldric is debated. Aliarra points out her AC is 33; the DM cheerfully informs him it doesn’t matter. Aiden purchases racism insurance for some reason (that reason in Cissy).

DM: From the crystal, a red beam! Pshew! (miming a hiss as he erases some of the ice wall) Flames lick at the wall, steam rises, and there is now a gap in it. Cissy?
Cissy: I am giving a spell to my familiar.
DM: It better be a touch one.
Cissy: It is!
DM: Okay.
Cissy: It is Poison, which is a touch spell.
Aliarra: EVERYTHING’S IMMUNE TO THAT! They’re ARMOR!
Cissy: Oh, they ARE armor…
Aliarra: Oh my God!

Cissy gathers up and hurls a Sudden Maximized Energy Admixture Scorching Ray. A rules argument erupts; Aliarra is actually wrong about a rule, and Aiden basks in her wrongness as if gaining the utmost strength. The total is 192 fire, 192 acid. They all eagerly wait for the DM to slam his book and take off. A long, long refresh on metamagic rules ensues. On the far side of the one of the statues takes off and flies over the ice wall, followed by a second! Pan takes negitive energy to the tune of 20 damage.

Aiden: Pan, you’ve lost 20 of your temporary hit points. You’re down to 3.
Pan: I’m sad.
DM: Cissy, you only take 16. Aaand let’s initiate grapples on those two people!

Cleverly, the DM attempts to wrestle casters. They discover Cissy’s repelling gauntlets only work once per day, and glare at her for her nonsense.

Aiden: Are you a gnome, don’t you have that thing?
Cissy: No, she’s a halfling.

No one knows what Aiden means. Cissy rolls 20 on her check, which is a great roll and does nothing against a larger opponent who is built for grappling. Ehlorra tries and fails to Time Hope a statue; its Will save is shockingly high. Cissy discovers that acid did no damage to the armor figure, to her dismay. Ehlorra drops a massive ectoplasmic shambler around the crystal and the armor. Aliarra hopes it will mess with Turgoth’s concentration and the melee combat.

DM: These guys are moving over the gap…
Aliarra: How much damage do they take for moving through the gap?
DM: Don’t worry about it.
Aliarra: They’re immune to ice.
Pan: Ummmm…
Aliarra: Never mind!
Aiden: Never mind!
Aliarra: Stop looking it up!
Pan: One takes 10 and the other took 14 cold damage.
Aliarra: We kept telling you a million times!
DM: They’re immune to cold, Pan.
Pan: Did you get that?
Aliarra: They’re immune to coooooooooooooooooooooold!
Pan: Oh, that sucks.

A sudden argument erupts over whether Pan can hit three people with a lightning bolt; it is more acrimonious than anyone understands or expects. He can only hit two! Mrrshala reveals she had completely failed to record any healing on her sheet after the last battle, while Aliarra rolls a natural 1. Pan’s bolt deals 31.

DM: Bad Grip. Your weapon deals nonlethal damage for the next three rounds.
Aliarra: I’m out. I literally can’t do anything. I assume these things are immune to nonlethal damage.
DM: That is kind of cruel. Let me get you another one. ‘You die’, well, that’s even worse. You take a -2 penalty to AC for 1d4 rounds. Awkward Attack.
Aliarra: I’ll take that.
Mrrshala: I got a natural 20 to hit, but it was on a maneuver, so I can’t crit.
Aliarra: Yes you can!

Aliarra tosses White Raven Tactics on Mrrshala, while Hanzo rolls and then openly guffaws in delight. Then rolls some more and is sad.

Hanzo: The dice giveth,,, 52 damage to Freddy Kreuger.
Aliarra: Nice hit!
Hanzo: It could have been a lot nicer…

The group continues to try to work out the immunities – cold and acid, it seems. Cissy discovers the limitations of Energy Substitution and Admixture, and is displeased to say the least, while others debate the large armor’s visibility and Mrrshala gets pounded for 57 damage. Cissy gears up for a lightning bolt and jockeys for position to zing three foes.

DM: If he’s doing that, he needs a Concentration check…
Aliarra: I don’t expect him to have too hard a time. But you know, if it’s a high-level spell, he might have trouble. “Wish.” Fuck.
Aiden: I don’t even know how that would happen. If villains could use the Wish spell, wouldn’t they just use that off the bat?
DM: How far is it all the way to the back…
Aliarra: Entire length of the room, so that’s 110 feet. Actually about a hundred because he’s a little forward.
Hanzo: Hunnerd feet.
Aliarra: Lisa needs braces.
Hanzo: Hunnerd feet.
Aliarra: Lisa needs braces.
DM: Ehlorra will need to give me a Will save. He is manifesting this very highly, so she will need to roll REALLY well.
Aliarra: So she’s not going to… uh, natural 20. So thirty.
DM: I think that’s enough…
Hanzo: I ‘think’…
Aliarra: Her head only half-explodes.
DM: Aaand… okay, 47, half of that, as he Recalls Agony on her.
Aliarra: Excellent. That just wipes out her temporary hit points, perfect. ‘I remember when I didn’t have these temporary hit points!’
DM: ‘Noooooooooooo!’
Aliarra: So he can attack without seeing. Wonderful. He can probably see through the eyes of his dudes.
DM: Oh ho ho, look who’s very thoughtful.

Cissy traces a line of lightning which, it turns out, goes straight through her familiar. Aiden drops Freedom of Movement onto Cissy to put a halt to this grappling nonsense. For about five or seven minutes, the group repeats the Tail Spin theme as read by a speech-to-text program. Aiden comes under assault by negative energy, and the grapplers then act – one latches onto Pan, who barely puts up a fight, while Aiden fends off the other, to the DM’s dismay.

Aiden: Grapple’s one thing I’m good at.
DM: That brings us to… I did move… on that side… damn.
Aliarra: Take it now.
Aiden: I built my dude to be movey and unhittable. I left no room for damage, DM, that’s all I do! I had once chance to do damage! We say that happen! ‘Pewww – it’s gone. It’s gone guys.’
DM: It went to the sluice of gore and nastiness…
Aliarra: Damn! Hanzo, why do you have to be so inconveniently placed?
Hanzo: Just hit me!
Aliarra: An amethyst burst placed there will hit these three guys while missing Hanzo.
DM: Yaaay – wait, noooooo!
Hanzo: Yeah, hit me!
Aiden: It’s not going to hit you.
Aliarra: It’s not going to hit you.
Cissy: He’s saying, try.
Hanzo: Hit them all!
Aiden: It did hit them all. Without having to hit you.
Hanzo: That’s a shame.

The group discovers one miniature is bizarrely balanced, while Cissy tries to fling lightning around at an angle. The group discovers that Aiden has had Greater Magic Weapon prepared for ages, and are dismayed that they had yet to benefit from that; he casts it on Hanzo’s weapon.

Pan: Am I still allowed to cast a spell that doesn’t require a somatic component?
Aiden: If you don’t have to move your hands, then yes.
DM: It requires a Concentration check, I believe.
Pan: I think I’m just trying a Storm Bolt.

Aliarra doesn’t either bother to hide her disappointment at this choice, though why was she expecting more from Pan? They check the requirement and make Pan roll Concentration.

Pan: 35.
Hanzo: You fail!
Aiden: You could’ve casted any spell. Any level.
DM: You can’t cast any sixteenth-level spell.
Aliarra: Yes, he’s casting an epic spell, right there.
Aiden: Yeah, I’m high enough to put Maximize on an 8th-level spell. Ha ha ha ha.
DM: Hee hee hee hee.
Aiden: Spin it.
Pan: 14 damage, and that is a 6th level spell, so it would be a 22 save.
DM: He failed that. 14 damage… Lightning emerges from you, zapping him, but he still holds firm.
Hanzo: Unlimited PAN! …power.
DM: Unlimited pan pizzas, what?
Pan: That should be my last name. Pizza.
Aiden, DM, and Hanzo: P. I. Z-Z. AAAAAAAAAA.
DM: Whipped cream pours like waterfalls!

Hanzo goes to town with his full-attack sudden-strike annihilation sequence! The statue bursts in a hail of shrapnel damage to those nearby. Aliarra blasts the big statue with Elder Mountain Hammer. Mrrshala steps to one side, because Cissy had made it clear a line AOE is going through the square she’s standing in, one way or the other. The statue and Aliarra trade blows, as she has Robilar’s Gambit up and it is wailing on her. It doesn’t go well.

Aliarra: Jesus Christ! 1, 1, and 1.
Hanzo: The great equalizer!
DM: Turgoth… Phew! Will save!
Aliarra: Great. Cissy’s being dominated.
Cissy: 22.
DM: You’re at negative 1 hit points.
Aliarra: Doesn’t your stupid armor thing trigger?
Cissy: Blurnw—I took 92 points of damage, just like that?!
DM: Yes. If you fail, you die. Go down to -1 hit points.
Cissy: WOW. Okay. Yes, my armor triggers. 2d8+5.
DM: In your mind you hear, “Recall wounds of the past, present, and those that have yet to happen! Recall your DEATH!”
Aliarra: ‘This is what you get for being late!’
Hanzo: But I’m also recalling future temporary hit points that haven’t been given to me, to absorb that damage!

The ectoplasmic shambler’s tiny damage finally puts a really small hairline crack in the crystal. The players deem this progress. Cissy exaggeratedly ducks down to try to zing that lightning bolt she’s been trying to cast for like half an hour now. A flying guy blasts Cissy, dropping her to 1 hit point. Hanzo complains about price-to-effectiveness rations in D&D. More statues lumber over to the melee, at which Aliarra finally gets her trip on for the first time in forever. She promptly rolls a natural 1.

Hanzo: In trying to trip one, it steps on your neck.
DM: Okay, roll a Fortitude.
Hanzo: Oh, god, that’s… fair.
Aliarra: It’s only 21.
DM: I’ll let it. Otherwise you would have been exhausted.
Aliarra: Yeah, that would have destroyed me.
Hanzo: That Monty Python foot just keeps stepping on Aliarra this combat.

Down goes the one she hit! Pan gets pummeled, as negative energy pours out of the armor to engulf him (rather feebly). Ehlorra hurls a Time Hop at his assailant, which to the DM’s dismay actually lands. Aiden debates his options, then resorts to a Mass Cure Light Wounds in the backline. Cissy and Aliarra get into a vicious argument over Arc Lightning, while Aliarra hits with Revitalizing Strike to heal herself and Mrrshala, and then uses a maneuver to get Mrrshala out of trouble to attack the crystal.

Aiden: Wha—what?! Wha—
Aliarra: We gotta take this guy out!
Aiden: I’m just – I – can she reach?
Aliarra: The crystal goes down to the ground, doesn’t it?
DM: No, 20 feet up.
Aliarra: 20 feet?! Ranseur it up!
Cissy: I will be so mad if this is not the last fight of the game, and after we beat him, the real boss of the game steps out and is like, “No! What have you done!”
Aliarra: Well, if we DON’T expend these resources, we would be dead, so.
Cissy: I know, but that’s why I’m just laughing.
Aliarra: That’s when we look at the DM and be like, “Where did you learn to balance an adventure?”

Mrrshala discovers the crystal has hardness, but she and Mrrshala both have Elder Mountain Hammer, which ignores hardness, so yay! Cissy complains about the ectoplasmic shambler, with some justification.

DM: Mrrshala, I need you to give me a Strength check.
Mrrshala: Modified 20.
DM: Not quite enough. You take 23 points of damage –
Hanzo: Spinning Piledriver! That’s all she healed you for…
DM: And are knocked back 20 feet, as a beam of cold – pew pew! – slams into you and knocks you back.

Cissy casts Arc Lightning to hit the three enemies still in the back lines. It hits them all, and not even all of them save.

Cissy: Why won’t they die?!
Aliarra: I know! We’re kind of in trouble here.
Cissy: Damn it!

Damage goes out from the enemies to Aiden and Hanzo. Hanzo is sad.

Hanzo: There go my temporary hit points.
DM: Yay! They all die, I’m happy.
Aliarra: …Huh.
DM: I believe the grappler is out of time and space at the moment.
Hanzo: Lost in time and space! Is he drawing cards for each turn he’s there?

The grappler fails his save to come back. Ehlorra blasts an enemy with a crystal shard, then Aliarra rolls terribly on her damage. They beg Pan to do something more effective than a Storm Bolt; he casts a fireball or something, I’m not even sure. Aiden heals himself.

DM: What’d you heal yourself for?
Aiden: 65.
DM: Jesus Christ.
Pan: The fireball did 36, Reflex 19.

Aliarra bashes the armors who had engaged her and Mrrshala, critting one, making a trip, and shutting down AOOs. One of them dies! Cissy mutters in the background about spellcasting for like fifteen minutes straight, while Mrrshala lunges back into the fray and bashes the crystal again.

Aiden: I wish we still had ‘It’s Other Big’ Guy. ‘It’s Other This Big’ Guy.
DM: He’s gotta be around here somewhere.
Aiden: ‘It’s this big!’
Aiden and DM: ‘No. It’s THI big.’
Hanzo: It was the same, practically, except the other one was bigger.

Tasteless wang jokes ensue. Cissy hurls a spell, probably Arc Lightning, and rolls terribly on damage. Hanzo comes under attack to the tune of 14. The DM complains about his rolling as one of the armors rises. The DM rolls for the Time Hopped grappler; Aliarra cracks up at the expression on his face.

DM: He’s got a good Will save but he can’t get above a 19 for some reason.
Aliarra: Look at it this way, you’re building up crits for the Rise of Tiamat campaign.

Foes are few on the ground, but so its power level. Pan lobs a Twinned Magic Missile into an armor, dealing 39 damage to it and slaying it. Aliarra hits the big crystal with Divine Surge for 63.

Hanzo: I can’t get over there.
Aiden: I do like the idea of you using your ba-doof and appearing behind him. (miming Hanzo squashed between the crystal and the wall)
Hanzo: It doesn’t work that way…
Cissy: We’ve seen Naruto, we know it works that way for ninjas.
Hanzo: Ninjas can do anything, except for in D&D, where they’re worthless.
Mrrshala: 64 points of damage.
Hanzo: Drusila, where are yooooou?
Aliarra: Ignir, where are you?!
DM: He’s not with you.
Aliarra: I know, where did he go?! It’s going to bother me for a while.
DM: Eh, the crystal’s got big deep cracks in it.

Hanzo gets ready to assassinate the Time Hopped guy as soon as he reappears, bemoaning the flyer’s continued clinging to life. Cissy vows to take it down.

DM: Mrrshala, what’s your hit points at, out of curiosity?
Mrrshala: Mine? 17.
Aliarra: Aiden’s right here, Revivify incoming.
DM: I need all three of you to make a Reflex saving throw as a shard of crystal embeds itself in the ground next to you.
Aliarra: (rolling) I reroll! (rerolling)
DM: Those who rolled above 22 take 28 points of damage.
Mrrshala: Oh yeah, I’m down.
DM: Oh, sorry, it’s half if you saved.
Hanzo: So she has three hit points.
Mrrshala: I have THREE hit points left! From hell’s heart I stab at you!

Cissy murders the flying dude, as she had vowed. The flower dude also dies, depending on who you listen to. The Time Hopped guy… fails his save again. Ehlorra holds her action. Aiden wonders who to use a Heal on.

Aliarra: We’re both in trouble. Save one of us.
Aiden: What are you at?
Aliarra: 14.
DM: Get one last grope in.
Aiden: I sadly cannot.
Aliarra: Save Mrrshala, she’s my heir!
Mrrshala: No, god damn it, save her! No, Aiden would save me, I’m the pussy…
Aiden: Thanks.

Aiden casts Mass Cure Light Wounds, then recants and casts the Heal on Mrrshala, then bolts out of range with a merry, extremely weird noise. Pan lobs Magic Missiles into the last armor.

Pan: I’m kinda running low on spells.
Hanzo: Burned ‘em all.
DM: Yay! This is not even the final fight.

The Magic Missile does the job, and the group piles in on the crystal. Turgoth falls out of the crystal, looking pale and sickly as he lands on his feet below. Mrrshala attempts to use Charging Minotaur – the group is disgusted, and they downright force her to use Sapphire Nightmare Blade.

Aliarra: 29 better hit his naked ass.
Hanzo: Hey, he’s just trying to hitch a ride.
Aliarra: Uncle hijackers! You’re not even the one I had a beef with!
Hanzo: We’ve brought all the pieces of Dracula to his home.
DM: Now we have to fight Death! For some reason.
Aliarra: Now he kills us.
DM: Mrrshala. Will saving throw. Roll well.
Mrrshala: Natural 20.
DM: You don’t die.

Cissy steps forward and fires a Prismatic Ray! Not a Prismatic Spray, which had briefly terrified them all. They once again teach Cissy how to calculate a to-hit, and she rolls for 80 points of electricity damage – probably the best result!

Aliarra: You just could’ve turned him insane, and we wouldn’t have noticed the difference.
Cissy: I was hoping to turn him to stone.
Aliarra: Yeah, that was going to happen.

The Time-Hopped grappler returns. Hanzo promptly DESTROYS him with his readied action. The DM threatens death on anyone who brings a selfie stick into the house. Hanzo lands ANOTHER brutal blow, annihilating the grappler. Aliarra attacks Turgoth!

DM: You take your guisarme, wreathed in holy flame! You ram it – no, that’s probably not going to work. You drive it into the chest of Turgoth the Pure. It bursts out the other side. Blood and sinew chunks fly against the wall. You see the red glow in his eyes begin to dim.
Aliarra: “You still weren’t a challenge.”
Hanzo: ….B--!
Aliarra: Shut up! HE was -- okay, his mooks were fine. They were annoying—
Hanzo: But they were part of his challenge—
Aliarra: SHUT UP! I DON’T CARE!
Hanzo: The party was not in dire straits, but we were pretty badly injured!
DM: And he slumps and sighs out his last undead breath.
Aiden: What’d he say before he died, though?
DM: He didn’t say anything.
Aiden: Oh. …did you spit on him?
Hanzo and Aliarra: No!
Aliarra: I just told him he still wasn’t a challenge.
Hanzo: She tried to bandy words with him!
Aliarra: We survived, he didn’t! He didn’t even kill anybody.
Aiden: Not technically.
Mrrshala: He got damn close!
Hanzo: He definitely should have killed at least two of us. If it wasn’t for Boots of Skating!

The DM admits he did nerf Recall Death, as the group alternately congratulates themselves and expects Moresh to show up with like 80 dudes.

DM: Um. I didn’t draw it, I’m sorry. There is a door at the top.
Aliarra: Shit! You and your not drawing doors in this campaign! Jesus Christ, that’s like the second time! In ten years!

But the battle is long and the night is late. Our intrepid heroes will explore the door and end the campaign… next session.