Force and Destiny ensues! The DM reminds them of their previous adventures: they had escaped with the knowledge of how to construct lightsaber hilts from the Jedi temple slash ship. Zareq somehow manages to shut down the entire game. The end.

The PCs set course for the temple where they defeated Malefax, and eagerly imagine dueling said villain with proper weapons.

Bremen: The crystals are the next step, right? Because our master had pointed us in the direction of getting the crystals.
DM: No, he had not yet. I said he was probably going to, that’s how you would find out! That’s why you’re heading back there now, to see if your master knows—
Bremen: He’s going to be dead, isn’t he. He’s gonna be dead by Malefax’s hand, that’s why he brought up Malefax! I’m not even grilling you, this is just how the module is written. Well, our master was evil anyway. Gonna be a red Force Ghost.
DM: And then he got replaced with Hayden Christensen in post.

They park their ship in the rear of the temple, where they can conveniently land it. Without crashing, since the DM doesn’t have them make a roll to do so. Cheering a reference to Bing-Bong, they head down the ramp, as the Guardian appears before them.

DM: “You’ve returned. With a new ship.”
Kon: “Yep. Acquired it through extremely legal means.”
Bremen: It still has lightsaber marks on the windshield.
Kon: “We legally secured it from the evil empire.”
Zareq: How many Conflict points is he getting right now?
Kon: I dunno, does the Guardian believe in the Empire?
Bremen: The Guardian’s about to call it a piece of junk.
Zareq: “We took it from a follower of the Dark Side.”
Bremen: It’ll make… light speed… past… light speed…
DM: Actually it’s as fast as a ship can get.
Bremen: It’ll make .5 past light speed…

Inevitably, a huge discussion erupts over the travel speed and mechanics of Star Wars, including hyperspace speed and the unexplored nature of the galactic core. The Guardian bears this argument stoically.

DM: “Your master has arrived. He has been here for some time.”
Kon: “You must be excited. He’s probably a far better conversationalist than we are.”
DM: “I have had a great deal of conversation these past few weeks. Perhaps more than I have had in life.”
Kon: Does he mean debates? Just them arguing the whole time about the nature of the Force.
Bremen: No one wanted to talk to him, since Kieri Mundi was the only one of his species anyone had ever heard of before. “Who’s this conehead?” “Ah, don’t worry about him, he’ll never be on the council.”
DM: “He is within the meditation chamber.”
Zareq: Oh god, he’s being tortured! Oh wait, that’s my game.

They head in with inexplicable Man of Steel references such as fathers appearing on rocks. Everyone hopes it makes sense in the extended cut, except for Kon, who is convinced only head trauma can explain it.

DM: You head into the mediation chamber. Your master is there, his four arms in a convoluted meditative pose.
Zareq: Come on. Let’s all take a knee and be like…
Zareq and Bremen: “What is thy bidding, my Master?”
Bremen: That’s why I was in such a hurry to be the first one to see him, because I wanted to!
DM: “I told you to stop that…”
Kon: ‘Are we – we supposed to do this? Is this something we’re doing now, Master, is this required?”
DM: “Bremen has always had a strange sense of a humor.”
Bremen: ‘It’s because your lightning tickles me so, Master!’
Kon: Have you described him to us?
Bremen: He’s insectile, which is why he sounds evil.
DM: He just has a vibrating voice because he doesn’t have vocal cords.

Kon gives their master a very brief overview of their adventures, while the DM listens and folds his hands before him like a preying mantis. They spend a few moments questioning exactly what Eren Garai’s deal was, before Zareq stabs a mini-donut with a pretzel rod and blows Bremen’s mind.

Bremen: Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
DM: Now put one on the other side.
Zareq: There’s not that many left, I don’t want to…
Bremen: Then you’ll have one axle of a Flintstones car…
DM: “So. An ancient relic was discovered. But was anything of value upon it?”
Kon: Did we find a… something under the…
DM: You found out how to make lightsaber hilts!
Kon: “We learned how to make these.” (miming producing something from his pockets) “Oh, I’m sorry, that’s the remote for the TV.”
DM: “Wait, bring that back, I also need that.”
Zareq: “It’s not universal, master.”
Kon: ‘It will be, with the Force.’
Zareq: It’s like the end of Episode VII. (singing the music while miming holding out a lightsaber hilt)
DM: (staring in surprise)
Bremen: ‘You didn’t bring another hand with you, did you? I built another lightsaber, you should’ve brought back my hand…’
DM: ‘You WILL change to channel 7…’ “Excellent. You now know what I could not teach you.”
Zareq: ‘THEN WHAT GOOD ARE YOU?!’
DM: ‘The – the other things I can teach—‘
Kon: (mimes picking him up and hurling him down a convenient shaft)
Bremen: “Can you give us guidance in constructing these?”
DM: “First I will ask you, is this the path you wish to take?”
Zareq: Well, we’re Force-sensitive…
DM: “This is something I cannot teach you in. The Force as you know it is strong with you, but never these techniques did I learn.”
Zareq: “This is the path to becoming a Jedi. This is definitely the path we wish to take.”
DM: “Remember. Not being a Jedi saved my life. You must enter into this knowing what you will become, and what will become of you.”
Kon: “If a Jedi is the step to the answers I seek, then I step into them with my head tall.”
Bremen: I think he means we’re putting our stuff on Vader’s map.
Kon: Eh, whatcha gonna do?
Zareq: We’re already on one list, might as well be on all of them.
Bremen: Damn.
DM: ‘We’re already on the no-fly list, we might as well deserve to be there. Get the fertilizer.’\

Timeline questions erupt. The DM confirms this is post Battle of Yavin.

DM: “If this is your wish, I know where you might procure the crystals which are required.”
Bremen: Don’t say Coruscant.
DM: ‘Alderaan!’
Kon: ‘Alderaan? We can’t go to Alderaan, we gotta go home. It’s late and we’re in for it as it is.’
DM: “There is a world known as Phemis. It is in the Corellian sector.”
Bremen: “And this is inhabitated?”
DM: “The Jedi Order long visited this world for crystals. While the old Republic lived, the world was protected. The Jedi alone could access it. Now, most likely, the Empire knows. But how much they know and how much they care…”
Bremen: “They have no reason to care, since they don’t have an army of lightsaber-wielders to harvest crystal for.”
DM: “The crystals themselves are illegal in the empire. Their properties are of use to many the Empire does not wish to have them. Therefore their acquisition is banned. Likely a force exists to prevent those who wish to inquire them. I will give you the direction there and place them in your computer. I advise you, take Zarshaan with you. I will keep Nolnaru here. Much darkness about him…”
Bremen: Nolnaru’s already screaming and thrashing. ‘You can’t keep me here!’
DM: “I can because your player isn’t here.”
Bremen: ‘I have people to kill!’
Kon: A pity we still haven’t gone to pick up that one guy from the planet who wanted to really come with us…
DM: “I spoke with him. He was displeased but understood the necessity when the lockdown occurred.”
Kon: We didn’t really have a choice!
DM: “I will pump Nolnaru for information to give to him.”
Bremen: (giggling as he mimes Force Lightning) ‘I’ll zap the bad out of you, boy!’
DM: No, no, he’s just getting information. (stretching a hand out towards Bremen’s head)
Bremen: (shrieking)
DM: (after a moment of considering just how that shriek had sounded) Huh, a TIE fighter just went by…

For no reason, they group discusses the new Ghostbusters movie and its theme. Kon attempts to stab the DM with a knife for unrelated reasons. Now they stop to consider their flight to the planet Phemis.

DM: “Which of you will fly the ship?”
Bremen: “Why are you interested in that all of a sudden? We got here!”
DM: “I didn’t know any of you could fly a ship…”
Zareq: “Well, we can’t fly it well.”
Bremen: The Force! We’ll use the Force!
Zareq: That’s not how the Force works.
DM: Okay, you push the button… (lightsaber noise) The lightsaber autopilot emerges.
Kon: This isn’t Men in Black.
Bremen: (looking over at Zarshaan, who is rewriting her lost character sheet) We’ll have time to work on our piloting while we wait for Zarshaan to finish deciding who she was again.
DM: “Too much time in meditation has she spent. Empty her mind has grown!”
Bremen: Force Respeccing.

Their master programs a route into their computer, and grants them leave to go when they wish. They don’t go.

Zareq: Three years later!
DM: “Oookay then.”
Kon: ‘I thought you guys would leave a lot sooner than this.’
DM: ‘I am a big enough man to admit I did not see this coming.’
Kon: We all just revert to teenagers, playing video games and stuff. (surfer accent) “Like no, Master, I don’t wanna leave. I got tunes to listen to and stuff.”
DM: ‘The lawn really needs to be mowed!’
Zareq: There’s no lawn, it’s all snow.
DM: ‘IT MELTED!’
Zareq: ‘You need to go out, get some fresh air!’
DM: However no matter how much longer you stay, that was all the conversation with the maste ryou’ll be having.
Zareq: He refuses to talk to us any more!
DM: Damn straight, my voice is staying active tonight.
Kon: That’s how we end it early. ‘Master, tell me more…’

Before they leave, though, they give some consideration to disguising their ship as NOT the stolen property of a lightsaber-wielding droid. The nearby village is friendlier now that the Dark Side has been cleaned from the temple, so they arrange to trade for some paint supplies from it. A training montage ensues, with their master struggling to train people who only have two arms. They inexplicably become the A-Team. Off they head!

DM: The ship accelerates at phenomenal speed!
Kon: The heavy pain throws off the space drive!
DM: You’ve miscalculated your mass shadow…

They don’t end up in a sun. In fact they reach Phemis without any problems – it’s a brown planet with minimal water, rocky and craggy from all signs they can see, and they descend towards the canyon they seek. But their sensors warn them: probe droids are running constant scans over the canyon!

Bremen: We’ll have to land some distance away.
DM: You might be able to avoid them if your piloting is good.
Kon: HA!
Zarshaan: Ha ha ha…
Zareq: Ha ha!
Bremen: Which means we’re leaving it to the dice, and I’m not comfortable leaving it to the dice. Unless you want to try it! We’re not going to be able to avoid detection with them…
DM: “Bing bong bing bong bing bong bing bong.”
Kon: “What is it, Bing-Bong?”
DM: “Bing bong bing bong!”
Bremen: Are you just having fun or is he trying to tell us something?
DM: Eh, he’s just saying bing bong. He’s not really a smart droid.
Kon: I thought he was saying, ‘I speak probe droid’.
Bremen: Doesn’t he have a readout where he talks on the ship that translates his bing-bongs into Oribesh or something?
DM: Nope!
Bremen: If an X-Wing had one…
DM: The owner of this ship was a droid himself. He probably didn’t need such things.
Bremen: Uuuuuuuugh. You have an answer.
DM: (cracking right the hell up)
Zarshaan: My favorite part was the loathing in his voice.
DM: I know, that was my favorite part too! The bitter loathing!
Bremen: It wasn’t even that! It was more surprise than anything. Of course he has an answer, but it’s creative! I respect that you have an answer.

The DM points out they’ll need to land over 10 kilometers away – Zareq believes this is 30 miles, because this group is American – and the PCs immediately envision all sorts of survival and athletics checks to reach their destination. They immediately decide that detection is better than all that and go for the evasive piloting check. Zarshaan pops into the copilot seat and downgrades his difficulty once, and then they get stuck on the curious flight rules, which take speed and half of silhouette into account…

DM: Actually I’ll only give you one setback die.
Zareq: As I plow into a cliffside. It’s a failure, but I have a Triumph! A Triumph and two advantage.
Bremen: So we decided NOT to enter the canyon.
Kon: No, I stop you, we have a pep talk. A ROUSING pep talk!
DM: As you grip the helm and prepare to go in, you abruptly phase out for a second. A vision of a probe droid erupting forward, its sensor lights shrieking red and its blaster firing at you appears before you for just an instant. You have the chance to withdraw.
Zareq: Then I’ll guess we’ll withdraw…

They discuss this vision in sexual terms because they’re bad people, and debate their next move. Stll unwilling to land far away, they elect to take another shot at the stealthy descent. This time Zarshaan puts some strain on the ship with her roll, but still downgrades the difficulty once.

Kon: In the system or in the hull?
DM: (whose mouth is full) Hmm-hmm.
Kon: In the hmm-hmm. All right. Minus one hmm-hmm.
Zareq: I think that’s system.
DM: Yeah, ‘hull’ only has one syllable.

Zareq rolls again and achieves… nothing. They swoop into the canyon and nearly run into a droid, which begins shrieking electronically and retreating. Zareq desperately closes the ship to close range (after much consulting of the rules) and Bremen fires their turret at it. The difficulty, however, is 4, because the droid is so much smaller than the ship.

Zareq: Wow.
Bremen: It’s impossible!
Zareq: You can still do it. You’ll just get some mad strain…

No such luck. The laser cannon clips a nearby rock formation, toppling it over and blocking their sight of the probe droid. Aware they are discovered, they hurry to land and get to the cavern before they can be intercepted – though seeing their best landing spot is exposed, they elect to take a little extra time to find a better and more concealed one.

DM: With a quick scan, you find a place where you can park your ship and it’ll be relatively concealed. Downside is, it’s going to take some effort for you guys to get out of there. It’s a bit of a low pocket. You guys are going to have to do some serious climbing.

Somehow Bing-Bong ends up with a red cape and an Imperial title. Zareq plops the ship down in the niche, and they clamber out.

DM: You find yourself facing a large, rubble-strewn –
Zareq: (Barney Rubble laugh)
DM: -- rock spill. Not that Rubble. That leads up to the canyon’s surface. The caves you need to reach are up top.

Climbing up is an Average Athletics check with two setback dice. Zareq succeeds at the climb, with more delight and fanfare from the group than a crit on a dragon. Kon ponders the climb with his one lone Brawn die.

Kon: I don’t think I can make the climb. You guys may need to go on without me.
Zareq: We’ll give him the advantage die.
Kon: I don’t… I don’t… we’ll give it a try.
DM: Zareq calls down instructions from the top, having mounted it. These two watch from the bottom, stupidly.

Zareq fails to roll a success and takes strain as he slides down the rocks. They curse the checks furiously as Zarshaan blows her roll with no less than four failures.

Bremen: Zareq, go find the crystals and come back. We’ll all be here.
Zareq: I come back and you guys are just starting to get to the top.
DM: And they’re all only useful for you. ‘Give me your lightsabers!’ Just strap them together.
Bremen: Zareq just comes back with four of his own lightsabers. ‘Dunno what you guys are gonna do…’

Bremen’s roll is soul-searingly loud and he somehow manages to zero out his entire dice pool. They bemoan their lack of space-rope.

DM: You can aid another and give them two blue dice, you know.
Bremen: Yeah, two dice that are gonna come up blank.
Kon: Yeah, why would that help?
Zareq: Oh my god.
Bremen: I think she did it!

Zarshaan did it! She makes the climb up, and the two of them spit on the people down below.

DM: Zareq quickly grabs your extended wrist and hauls you up.
Kon: Wait! Have him make his Brawn check so he can haul her up!
Zareq: Whoops! Oh shit!
Zarshaan: ‘Aaaaah!’ (smacking the table)
Bremen: And here come the Dark Side points.

Kon and Bremen bemoan their lack of climbing ability; the DM bluntly hits that maybe they should try to put some OTHER skills to use.

Bremen: What am I gonna do, duel the cliff face, DM?
Kon: I could TRY Foresee.
Bremen: I could try to Coerce the cliff to get me up it!
Zarshaan: Negotiate with the trip to let me up?
DM: YOU’RE ALREADY UP THERE!

Zareq deploys his Move power to hold some stones in place, while Kon attempts Foresee but refuses to use a Dark Side pip. The DM demands that Zarshaan use her Togruta racial to add double blue dice to the others,

Kon: I swear to the heavens, if four of these dice come up blank, I’m done. My Star Wars career is OVER. The fucker is done.
Bremen: Two will be blank.
Kon: Two, I don’t care. One blank, sure.
Bremen: One will be advantage.
Kon: If all four of those blue ones come up blank, no. This game is not for me.

This doesn’t happen and Kon manages to reach the top. Bremen cheerfully predicts that the final boss of the module is a wall. Bremen’s dice tower destroys the transcriber’s ears, and Bremen again does not reach the tip.

Zareq: These dice do not like us.
Bremen: They haven’t since the beginning.

Another roll, and Bremen makes it to the top after a shocking roll that features a lot of threat and advantage cancelling. Up top, they see large holes in the walls and a grisly pile of gnawed bones.

Kon: I focus on the two caves.
DM: Three.
Kon: Three caves, and I focus to see which cave will lead us to success! (rolling the Force di) God damn this game! ‘Another black one’! Guess I’ll use my…

Kon flips a point and takes a Conflict, looking into the future. He sees darkness, hears strange clicking and hisses.

DM: Slashes of silk cross your vision.
Bremen: Fucking space-spiders!
DM: The very vision itself seems to shake, shudder, and then you find yourself clutching at your throat. Water subsumes you. It doesn’t seem to indicate which one you should take, but from this you feel that any would suffice. It has warned you of some of the dangers ahead.
Zareq: I suggest not the spider one.
Bremen: But we don’t know which is which.
Kon: “I don’t know which danger leads to which, but no matter which cave we take, we’ll reach our goal.”
Bremen: Did you say the bones are outside one entrance in particular?
DM: No, they’re right next to you guys.
Bremen: What kind of bones are they?
DM: Would you like to make a Knowledge(Xenology) check?

Kon furiously predicts the bones are theirs from the future, but trips up on the species name of Miriallan. Bremen does indeed attempt the roll.

DM: You lean in to examine these bones. The creatures themselves you’d gather to be mostly herbivores. Prey animals. However in interfering with these, an unskilled gesture on your part disturbs them.
Bremen: Wait, did I just pull a Pippin? You bastard. Did I just pull a Pippin?!
DM: The pile kind of shudders and collapsesd. You realize you’ve probably just disturbed the boundary marking of some great beast.
Zareq: ‘FOOL of a Bremen!’

Drums sound and the party reenacts the flight through Mordor, with Bing-Bong starring as Gandalf.

Zareq: ‘BING BING BOOOONG!”
DM: “BING! BING-BONG! BOOOOOOOOOONG!” (miming pounding on the bridge below) Bing bong bing bong bing bong.

They head into the rightmost cave, hearing a low growl of a beast out in the canyon as they hurry. But it’s dark!

Kon: FINALLY! I am the one with darkvision!
Zareq: I download a flashlight app on my datapad and I light us up.
DM: It lasts three seconds and then your power is drained.
Zareq: DAMMIT!
DM: ‘He always has an answer!’

No one brought a light source, so the DM helpfully advises them to flip a Light Side point and narratively create glow rods for themselves. They see a shallow depression ahead of them, and no sooner do they enter it than bad air causes them all to choke (except Kon, who as a Keldor comes with one as a requirement). Resilience rolls leave Zareq cruising on through, but Zarshaan eats three strain and Bremen a full five!

Kon: Let’s try to focus, even amongst the gas behind me. I think of my allies, I want to protect them from danger. I look deeper between the two paths. Which is the safer path? Double light side!
DM: To the right the way is difficult in front. To the left danger comes from behind.
Kon: Do we want the danger in front of us or the danger from behind? There’s danger no matter which way we go.
Zareq: I like to see it coming at us.
Zarshaan: Yeah.
Zareq: Mega-spiders! Mega-space-spiders, sorry…
DM: You step forward. As you step forward and lift your glow light to see what’s ahead, it reflects back on you in countless sparkles.
Zarshaan: Eyes.
DM: No! You shift a bit and when your eyes adjust you find yourself facing what look to be massive webs, strewn across the cavern.
Zareq: Oh, so whatever cavern we went into we had a chance to run into everything we say.
Kon: Lots of spiders.
Bremen: Let’s drown the spiders.

The DM calls on Kon to roll Perception, which he does to the tune of two successes. Kon rolls a die off the table, which leads the group to discuss a Kickstarter gaming table. The webs are covered in dust! This leads to some speculation on their part – are the spiders gone, is it safe?

Bremen: Is there a way through this cavern that doesn’t involve… basically throwing ourselves at this webs?
Zareq: ‘All right, let’s go.’ (miming throwing himself into the webs)
DM: You might be able to pick your way through.
Bremen: If we try cutting our way through…
Zareq: Something bad’s going to happen.
DM: They’re very difficult to destroy, you can tell that. A certain level of force would do it, you’re sure, but it would take a pretty high level of force.
Bremen: I’ll use my cortosis gauntlets to climb into the webs!
DM: Uh, you die.
Zareq: (noting how Bremen had sounded) You went a little Stan Lee there.
DM: Yeah, it was great.
Kon: Excelsior!
Zareq: …it was also a little Gilbert Gottfried, too.
Bremen: (as Gilbert Gottfried) ‘I’m going to climb these webs using a technique with my gauntlets, and I’m going to punch the spider right in the mouth!’
Zareq: YOU FOOL!
DM: Are you guys gonna listen to the talking parrot?
Zareq: Yes.

They start rolling up Coordination checks, and it goes well for most people…. As usual, Bremen has a terrible roll and fails to get through.

Bremen: I’m a few strain away from falling dead!
DM: You don’t die. You just have a heart attack.
Bremen: Yeah, and then the spider comes, ‘Oh look the food didn’t mean to serve itself…’

Bremen uses Force Move to shift the glow rod up higher into the webs, and the DM awards him a boost die for superior area light. He then promptly rolls terribly again.

DM: Well, you’re recovering strain…
Zareq: ‘My nuts don’t feel so bad any more!’ I don’t know why strain is always in the groin.
DM: As you reach the far end of the chamber, while Bremen is still trying to navigate it, you brush a particularly large strand with your foot and it lets out a chiming noise which you realize can carry somewhat far. Bremen, in the distance you hear… (distant noises and talking)
Bremen: (furiously failing another roll)
Kon: You gain more strain!
DM: Adrenaline is coursing through you…
Bremen: No more tower! (failing another roll)
DM: From behind you you hear a fearsome coughing.

They hear more coughing, and the sound of a probe droid as light approaches them from behind. Bremen ponders hiding, but has no more Stealth than he does Coordination. He hurriedly Force Moves his glow rod back to his hand and extinguishes it, then rolls Stealth. More distant talking.

DM: You try to duck into a superior position and realize the webs have cut you off. There’s nowhere, really, you can hide. The coughing from the far side finally begins to subside. Suddenly there’s a harsh electronic screeching coming from the back, followed by a… (raspy hissing and blaster noise)
Kon: I think the Imperials have gotten here.
Bremen: Okay. Roll for the damage they just hit me for.
DM: They’re not firing at you! You can see the flash of blaster bolts coming from slightly around the corner.
Bremen: Oh, THEY found the spider.

Bremen discovers he’s been rolling the wrong dice pool to get through the webs this entire time. With his lower opposing difficulty pool, he still fails. More talking in the distance hints that the troopers believe they had just heard the spider they found, and they don’t seem inclined to follow further.

Zarshaan: Can’t I boost him?
Zareq: Can we try to manipulate the webs?
DM: Yes! By all means! Please! HELP HIM!
Bremen: It’s the fucking dice’s fault, not theirs.

They pile in to help Bremen, and at last the DM rules his 5 advantage allow him through. They now are forced down the rightmost passageway, and move forward into a small cold stream that leads them directly to an underground lake.

DM: The water seems still, cold, and clear.
Zareq: Did you say ‘clear’ with clenched teeth?
DM: Yes, it pisses me off.

A large sound effect digression ensues. Excised!

DM: Bremen!
Zareq: Uh-oh. Look, man, hasn’t he had enough? Stop picking on him!
DM: As you look to the side, you see a passageway that leads off into the distance. With a careful look, you see signs that someone else is in this cavern.
Bremen: What kind of signs?
Zareq: Tight coiled piles of poop.
Bremen: Oh, their spoor.
DM: Next to this passageway is a familiar robe, looks like it was torn going through the passageway and then discarded here. Looks almost identical to what you saw of Malefax’s.
Zareq: I was gonna say, looks like Malefax has been here getting his own crystal.
Bremen: Don’t they use synthetic crystals? They shouldn’t be here… I’m not gonna try to sneak off, I’m not gonna pull a Nolnaru just because he’s not here…

The DM clarifies that the others don’t see what Bremen sees. Kon tries to find the passageway, but instead, he sees a shrine!

Zareq: I see a little bear on a mini-bicycle. Ah, the ballet.
DM: Looking at it, it’s weird. It looks as if someone came here a long time ago and either died and had their things worked into a shrine or simply left it behind. The key piece of all of this, nestled on top of clothes, a helmet, robe… is a lightsaber.
Kon: “The others aren’t moving. Do they see this? They see something different. This can’t be real.” I focus on the Force to give me the correct answer.
Bremen: A booby-tap. Whatever it is knows I hate Malefax and would do anything to fight him again.
Kon: I open my eyes again.
DM: Roll.

An argument over the unforeseen servant erupts as Kon rolls. I don’t know why. His roll succeeds

DM: Why would you go to all the effort of hunting down a crystal and building a hilt and making it work and trying to learn it when exactly what you want is right here?
Kon: “Because part of the act is the journey. Building a saber is a part of getting the saber.” Oh god! We’re in the tree cave! What did you bring with you guys?! What did you bring?!
Bremen: He’s probably looking at our weaknesses. My discipline is at war with my anger.
DM: Zareq. You see crystals! The crystals you seek!
Zareq: “Guys, they’re there!”
DM: Behind a wall of ice.
Zareq: Huh, that’s not good.
Bremen: What’s Iceman doing here?
DM: Just a thin transparent wall of ice blocking you from your goal.
Bremen: Why are you afraid of ice?
Zareq: I’m not afraid of ice!
Bremen: Why does it anger you?

The DM makes it clear that none of them are quite communicating to the others what they see, each of them off in their own little world. Then he gets annoyed.

DM: How is your weakness ‘Weakness’, Zarshaan?
Kon: Her weakness is weakness itself!
Zarshaan: Look up what it says in the book!
DM: Where’s the book?!
Kon: YOU have the book!
DM: So I do.
Bremen: Her weakness is weakness.

It gets racist, and farty for no good reason. Zarshaan, as it turns out, sees her friends struggling with their own dilemmas. Kon walks into the wall.

DM: You run into the wall. Your pride is hurt.
Kon: Ow.
DM: The shrine persists.
Kon: The shrine is in front of me? I can’t walk into the shrine?
DM: As far as you’re aware it’s perfectly solid.
Kon: “I have to see through this shrine…”

The two debate descriptions until the DM clarifies he should go into the water if he wishes to proceed onwards and ignore the shrine. He does just that, as Zareq and Bremen protest.

DM: And then there were three.
Kon: WHAT?! Oh, all right. Here we go!
Zarshaan: I’m gonna go in after him.
DM: You dive into the water as well. When you emerge, however, it’s back in the same room, though you’re convinced you just swam through…
Kon: She wakes up back in the temple.
Bremen: I reach out with the Force and grab the robe and bring it to me so I can inspect it.
Zarshaan: So is he like this -- (miming holding something) -- with nothing?
DM: Yes. His scent clings to it. You can feel the air of the Dark Side.
Zarshaan: Am I wet? I’m going to spray water in his face.
Zareq: Malefax is pure evil! I give the ice a few experimental kicks.
Zarshaan: I kick the wall.
Zareq: (mimes drawing his sword) RAAAAAAGH!
DM: He goes ham on the wall!

Zarshaan tries to dive in the water again, and ends up back in the room. Bremen claims he’ll use the Force to escape the trance, while making ninjutsu hand signs. The DM rants at Bremen for a while.

DM: You’re the only one who recognizes the threat of Malefax. You could take him now with the skill and experience you gained since last you fought if only you had the nerve to go after him. Doesn’t that make you mad? He’s here. He’s going to claim a crystal. He’s going to become equal to you. All the hard work you guys did going to the ship and fighting the Basilisk and getting jumped by that administrator guy who was not Lobot? And he’s just gonna walk in and get a crystal?! DOESN’T THAT PISS YOU OFF?!
Zareq: (flashing an image of Blinken attacking a pole) There I am.
DM: Would you please let me work on his psychological weaknesses in peaces, Zareq?!
Bremen: I fling his robe asunder and slice it!

The players demand, and get, what Nolnaru’s weakness would be if he were here. Zarshaan approaches them to actually talk to them, begging them to turn from their distractions to continue on as a team.

DM: Her weakness was just leaving you guys alone, like, ‘Aah it’s too hard to deal with this.’
Bremen: Fine. Malefax can wait. I’ll have to carry…
Zareq: “Maybe there are more crystals elsewhere.”
Bremen: And I’ll decide to myself, I hope Malefax DID get a crystal, because I want to duel him the way we were meant to, the way the Force intended!
DM: By throwing things at each other!
Zareq: I sigh, walk away from the wall… “YAAAGH!” (charging backwards to attack again) One more strike. Damn it.
DM: You got a little chip out.
Zareq: “It’s a trick! It’s a trick!” I went full ham on that and all I got was one little crack? Fuck that. My laziness is taking over!

They head down into the water, and on the other side, go a short distance to find a wall of shining crystals, so peaceful and serene the outside world has fallen away.

Kon: Ahead of you is Keldor, who has stripped himself of all his clothes but a loincloth over his groin. He seems to have lost the ability to speak. “Precious,” he says, “precious!”
DM: Who the hell is Keldor?
Kon: He’s lost his name, he’s now just his species.
DM: Good answer, good answer…

Kon opens himself to the Force, trying to draw a crystal to him. Instead, he finds himself drawn deeper into the cave.

Zareq: ‘Diving rod, let’s go!” (mimes sprouting a boner) Booooioioioiong!
DM: The crystal cave goes dark! You have FAILED, sir!
Zareq: How much Conflict did I just get?
DM: ALL THE CONFLICT!
Kon: You are a sexual deviant Sith Lord.
DM: Your Force Lightning comes out your ass.
Zareq: I’ll get the brown crystal.

The jokes becomes increasingly tasteless. Zareq attempts to return to the ice, but the group wanders after Kon to watch after him. He finds a large crystal that calls to him, and with the guidance of the Force, eases free a crysta.

Kon: (miserably) What do I need to roll…
DM: Nothing. The Force guides you!
Kon: Yes!
Bremen: It’s a talking lightsaber. “I belong to the Count of Seacrest…”
DM: You all watch this and it’s like a religious devotion, prayer in motion. Something sacred.
Bremen: That rhymes with ‘otion’.
DM: Yes.
Bremen: You had me for a second.
DM: You reserve the crystal and cover yourself in lotion.

Kon ponders what color lightsaber to get, and selects purple with a very light core. Then he puts his lightsaber together! The Force aids him in this. The rest of the group merrily begins constructing their lightsabers, even as the DM belatedly points out that they hadn’t found their crystals yet.

At this point we lost the game audio, but little more remained: the group returned to their ship only to find Stormtroopers there, along with one clearly boss-level trooper with a cybernetic arm and no helmet. The players are furious at this latter detail! With the promise of lightsaber combat afoot, the game closes with the promise of… next time.