Force and Destiny! The DM brings everyone up to speed on the last events, which were the ceiling collapsing after they defeated the evil MALEFAX. The end credits music promptly plays, and the game ends.

So anyway!

DM: When you make your way around to the main chamber, however, in the distance you only hear the taking off of engines, and the sight of Malefax is nowhere to be found.

The end credits music promptly plays, and the game ends.

Bremen: Okay, I’ll stop.
Zareq: “Well that’s quite vexing.”
DM: “His mercenaries” -- (coughing) Damn you, pretzel!
Kon: Keiri Mundi, you return to us!
DM: “His hired mercernaries…” (coughing)
Bremen: A Force Ghost with congestion!
DM: (after a minute of struggling) “His hired mercenaries hauled him off. His unconscious body is no doubt on the way out of the system by now. The n—“ (coughing, then looking extremely frustrated)
Zareq: I’m sorry, I shouldn’t laugh.
Kon: Welcome to my world after those bloody gumdrops.
Bremen: Is there such a thing as a Force virus?
Kon: There has to be, that’s why we haven’t seen Qui-Gon since Yoda talked to him.
Bremen: It has nothing to do with affording Liam Neeosn.
DM: Ahem. AHEM!
Zareq: “His mercenaries…”
Bremen: (Sulesdag voice) “Now hold on here…”

The Gatekeeper guides them in a ritual to purge the Dark Side influence from the temple, despite the players’ insistence on doing anything but. They roll up their Destiny pool, and it comes up quite positive indeed. At Kon’s insistence, rancors appear, but they also hear the rumbling of stone.

DM: The archive on the side you didn’t go to, on the opposite side of the one that fortunately collapsed, a hidden chamber has opened, and the holocron that is the Gatekeeper sits within it.
Zareq: Is this OUR holocron?
DM: This is the Gatekeeper’s holocron. You have a mentor.
Bremen: He can be our Mind of Kalroth.
DM: The holocron is located within a fitted sconce in the pedestal within this hidden chamber, and the gatekeeper explains it’s connected to an ancient machine that allows him to manifest anywhere in the valley. There are also several empty pedestals in the room.
Bremen: Are we to sit on them?
DM: …no! Why would you do that?!
Bremen: It’s part of the ritual.
DM: The ritual’s done!
Bremen: Oh.

The Gatekeeper grants them use of the temple, and Hethan Romun is beside herself trying to study it. The PCs notice her commlink going off before she does, and after a quick reminder that she isn’t their master, she checks her holographic projector.

DM: She opens up the device and the holographic figure of the shrouded, short cloaked figure you recognize as the master you all follow appears in flickering glory.
Bremen: ‘What is thy bidding, our master?’
DM: “Tell me, how has your mission gone?”
Bremen: Is that what he sounds like?!
DM: “Yes.” He’s in fact an insectoid creature.
Bremen: Oh is he a Vurpine?!
DM: No, but similar.
Bremen: Which one? It’ll say which one.
DM: I – I just made it up, shut up.
Bremen: Oh. Okay! Heh, shut up…
Kon: “We rescued your friend, secured the temple, but sadly Malefax got away. But we sorely… injured him.”
DM: “The Dark Side clings to life with the tenacity of a cockroach. You should not be surprised. When he returns, you will vanquish him again. The Dark Side lingers on in perpetuity, but always if the Light stands against it will it fall. Are you now at liberty, then?”
Bremen: He’s going to Force Lightning one of us. (to Nolnaru) I hope it’s you! You’ll be the one he picks. You’re bad enough, you get to live.
DM: He’s not evil! Probably.
Bremen: Probably!
Nolnaru: “You know what? Light and Dark, I don’t believe, I only believe in what everyone does for themselves. God only helps those who helps themselves.”
DM: “Yes, you were always a difficult pupil… Though I hate to draw you away from your hurried work there, I am certain the temple there has MUCH to offer you in learning and knowledge. But a greater problem has arisen. Another colleague of mind is in need of aid. I of course cannot go to him directly. I ask you to do that. Asher Sungazer is his name. He is an old comrade of mind – a scholar, an archaeologist. He sent me this message which I now relay to you.” He makes a motion as if placing something in a machine.
Kon: An oddly dressed man appears!
DM: No, a portly, bookish man.
Bremen: With Palpatine as our questgiver, it’s gonna be really hard for me to stay in character.
DM: HE’S JUST INSECTOID!
Bremen: Insectoid Palpatine!
DM: He’s not Palpatine!
Bremen: Insectoid Palpatine! He sounds exactly like Palpatine! He sounds sinister!

The holomessage shows off a curious stone talisman, which Ashur Sungazer quietly informs them is in a university archive. It reminds him of lightsaber crystals and is thousands of years old, and if they can get access to the Archive he can show it to them.

DM: The holomessage flicks off and again reforms into that of your master.
Zareq: ‘I cannot be assed to go, so you will go in my place.’
DM: Your master is a hunted man!
Kon: ‘Do not send your students! For the love of all—‘ Beep! ‘Well you don’t need to hear any more of that. I’m definitely sending you guys!’

They eventually hitch a ride on a passing freighter, which fortunately gives them time to heal. They’re glad to get off the planet because Hethan Romun won’t leave them alone as she makes them liaise with the Gatekeeper. Zareq declares it a party in here. The end credits music plays, and the game ends.

Bremen is a liar. The discussion veers broadly into lore and canon debates for no good reason.

Kon: He got the double-double diet Dew. Quadruple the calories of regular Dew. But only half the calories of double-double Dew.

They offload loot onto the friendly freighter captain after a Negotiation roll. Kon rolls a bit more threat than he would have liked.

DM: On the downside, though, the captain is particularly surly after a couple of your choice insults, while effective, manage to seem beyond the pale from what he expected from a negotiated haggle.
Bremen: Are you insulting our ride?
Kon: Apparently that was what the bad is.
DM: The rest of the trip is spent in awkward silence as he sits in the pilot seat, muttering about how his mother was a saint.

The Bothan copilot apologizes for the captain, but dies to give them this information. Kon consoles the group with the knowledge that Bothans aren’t worth Conflict.

DM: Give me the book back so I can run the adventure.
Kon: INTERCEPTED! Not in my house!
DM: IT’S ALSO MY HOUSE!
Zareq: Oh yeah, that doesn’t work any more, does it.

They show up on the smoggy planet, finding it unpleasant and with a Stormtrooper presence. They throw a couple Knowledge(Outer Rim) checks, but come up only with the knowledge that this was Grand Moff Tarkin’s homeworld.

Kon: That was really good information! The reverse of it should have been useless information. “They say on this planet if you were to walk on the wrong side of the street going the other way you would get dirty looks.”

The group worries about their reception on this planet, the more so since a pair of them are wielding ancient swords, which is a bit odd. Their first act is figuring out what hand gesture they’re using to signify speaking into a commlink.

DM: Does anybody have a commlink, did anybody purchase one?
Kon: WE STOLE IT FROM THE GUY! I happen to have one! I didn’t put ‘handheld’ next to it, maybe I have a head one.
DM: Ashur responds to your call with unfeigned delight. “You’ve made it! Excellent!”
Zareq: Unfetid delight.
DM: “I’ll come off-campus if you want but you’re going to need to see these for yourself.”
Kon: “We just need to come up with a plan to get on campus.”
DM: “Yes, you’ll need to get identichips proving you’re accredited scholars.”
Kon: “How difficult will it be to get forged ones?”
DM: “Well, having… never had cause to get… forged ones… I don’t know…”
Kon: “Let’s meet up and figure out if there’s a legal way for us to do it…”
DM: “ARE you accredited scholars?”
Kon: “No.” Pulling out my fourth-dimensional character sheet, I am not.

Forgery it is! The group debates forging ones themselves versus finding someone who can do that. No one has a lot of Computer skill, which prompts Bremen to extremes.

Bremen: I’m going to roll an Ewok.
Kon: “We’ll contact you once we get our identichips together.” We can try your method, see if you can make them –
Zareq: I didn’t come up with it, I just said I have Computer!
Kon: We have to try, and we can at least figure out if there’s another method.
Zareq: Let’s figure out how much a tool kit is. Can’t be that bad.
DM: 350.
Zareq: Pbbbbt.
DM: I’ll also let you program one if you get a datapad, that’s a mere 75.
Zareq: Ooh. I’ll take that.
DM: You’ll need an additional 50 for a chip burner.
Zareq: So 125.
Kon: He’s gonna keep talking. ‘Now you’re gonna need another 100 for a chip acqualizer, and then another 125—‘ ‘IT’S THE SAME PRICE!’
Zareq: To the cumquat store!

Making this purchase, Zareq makes ready to roll his check. Bremen remains supportive in his usual fashion.

Bremen: If I end up getting an amputation via lightsaber… as a person that swings around a lightsaber I’m pretty sure I’m going to get something cut off at some point…
Zareq: Am I spending points?
Bremen: Yes! Make one GREEN! Er, yellow, I mean.
DM: The Force is with you!
Zareq: One threat, two successes.
DM: It takes you longer than you expect.
Zareq: I grumble.
DM: The hours tick by. You reach about midafternoon before you finally finish the task.
Bremen: ‘Any time, Zareq! You’ve missed lunch, Zareq. We’re back around to breakfast.’
Kon: “Is it still not too late to meet up with you?”
DM: “I was wondering if you were coming. Having some trouble?”
Kon: “It took a little while to make it.”
DM: “No, no, by all means.”
Kon: We grab some food. And we head to the university.
Zareq: I grab a space gyro.
DM: It floats away. To space.
Zareq: ‘Can I get my money back?’ ‘No. No refunds.’
Kon: We got some third-rate gren milk.
Zareq: Let me get one portion.
Bremen: ONE PORTION.

They head for the newArchive, a hideous new building, but they spot two security guards hauling off a struggling scholar as the latter protests that he had nothing to do with sending a guard’s brother to prison. The PCs follow, probably for meta reasons, follow along. No one else is willing to get involved, so it’s up to them if they interfere….. a very, very long silence ensues, punctuated only by hilarious gestures.

Kon: I haven’t fucking finished what I was doing! I was waiting – I can eat with my mouth full next time, talk with my mouth full, do you want me to?
DM: That’s how I roll, apparently. My mouth is always full of two pretzel crumbs right in the back of my palate. Why do I keep eating these?!
Zareq: Put a couple of peanut butter cups in your mouth.
Kon: “Perhaps you should stop what you’re doing.”
DM: One of the guards glances over his shoulder and motions you away. “Official security business,” he says, as he delivers a kick to the scholar’s ribs.

They debate their response – Zareq questions if anyone can whip out a Mind Trick, but no one possesses suitable levels of Influence to pull that off. The DM points out that just asking them to stop won’t work, so Kon goes for a Deception roll to convince them a superior is coming. The DM, waxing eloquent about hatred, flips a Destiny point to upgrade the check.

DM: Hatred courses through them and the Dark Side rewards this!
Bremen: (noting the tones the DM’s voice has taken on) It sounds like our master is the one who’s rewarding this!
DM: Leave your master out of this. He’s a good guy.
Bremen: Tell that to all those he has slain!
Kon: “Looks like…” Uh, who would be somebody who would…
Bremen: ‘Darth Vader is disapproving, behind you!’
DM: They guards quickly scramble away as they realize they’re about to get caught! You suspect this is probably only going to last a moment, but it’s long enough for you to help the scholar.
Bremen: Security personnel are easily startled, but they’ll soon be back.
Kon: Notice how they flee in single file!

The scholar effuses thanks and gratitude, proclaiming there are still good citizens in the world. Nolnaru, who has been oddly quiet, reminds everyone why they’re glad when he’s oddly quiet.

Nolnaru: “I don’t want your gratitude! I want your money!”

A long silence.

DM: HORRIFIED that none of you has repudiated this man –
Zareq: Was he actually saying this?
Nolnaru: NO!
Kon: “We’re heading to the Archive ourselves, a guide would be most useful.” It’s clear he works there?
Nolnaru: I have 2 Intelligence and 2 Presence, I am not speaking in this campaign.
Bremen: This is the adventure brance where we could get the fake IDs…
DM: He’s another scholar.
Kon: “Perhaps you can aid us. We’re heading towards Story Building.”
DM: The Archive! I keep telling you that!
Kon: I thought the whole building was the Archive!
DM: You’re in Thelar University, you’re heading to the Thelar University Archive. “I would be most happy to come and provide a reference for you! I know how difficult these procedures can be for visiting scholars…”

They head to the Archive with flavor text abounding, making for the Archive. A checkpoint with sensors, scanners, and rather lazy guards .

Kon: “Tell me, scholar, what’s the rules for small arms in this place?”
DM: “You just need standard permits for everything…”
Nolnaru: “What if I got LONG arms?”
DM: (far more in-character laughter than this joke could ever merit) “Oh my goodness, where did you find this fellow? It’s so rare I see an academician with a sense of humor any more! Everyone’s so staid and stodgy!”
Kon: I pull him aside, I pull him aside. “Listen, listen, TRY not to encourage his activity…”
DM: “But he’s funny!”
Kon: “Nonetheless!”
DM: “I don’t understand why you would try to discourage him!” he says, loud enough for you to hear.
Nolnaru: “THANK you!”
Kon: “We’re not trying to discourage him! We’re just trying to not encourage him! Shut up! Shutting it up, you!”
DM: The security guards watch this comedy routine with expressions of interest. This is probably the most entertained they’ve been in weeks.
Nolnaru: I believe our wounds and strain have healed.
Kon: You just got one when I smacked you. That joke caused all of us strain.
DM: You’re certain the scanners are going to pick up at least some of your most obvious weapons. You’ll have to try to take some effort to conceal them if you’re going to try to smuggle them in, or it’s possible you might be able to bluff your way in. Whatever the case, one of the security guards is boredly waving you through the scanner.

They go through the security process, which sidetracks into the potential legality of their weapons, and whether they have permits. Kon, first up, goes through this process smoothly…

DM: “Does your study requite restricted research materials?”
Kon: (after a pause) Is it… restrict—
Zareq: Just say no!

The DM calls for a Cool check, which Kon promptly blows despite his serious advantage. The DM explains that his hesitation on the restricted item answer may have raised the guards’ suspicions.

Zareq: The person that we’re coming here to see is a known professor of this college, right?
DM: Yes, although you’re not sure you want to finger him.
Bremen: Well, I definitely do not want to finger him.
Kon: I am going to use three of my advantage to crit him in the face with logic.

Nolnaru, up next, doesn’t declare his cortosis gauntlets as weapons and the DM calls on him to make a Stealth check to smuggle them without note. Nolnaru burns a Destiny Point and scores a success but a threat, getting through, and then Zareq finds himself wondering how to get his sword through. Scoring no successes on a Cool roll, he is asked to leave his sword behind.

DM: “We’re a peaceful Archive and there’s no cause for large melee weapons here.”
Kon: It’s okay with the small ones.
Nolnaru: Blasters are fine because they’ll just burn the books.
Zareq: “Certainly, I’ll need your badge numbers, your names, your schedules, a list of documentation on where you’re keeping it as well as a receipt…”
DM: Oh snap, you’re trying to Coerce him? You’ll incur a little Conflict…
Zareq: I’m not trying to intimidate him, I’m just telling him what I need to leave it here.
DM: You can Misdirect him to make him think you left your sword here, I’ll allow that.
Zareq: I might be getting Conflict regardless, that’s fine.
DM: It’s less Conflict that way even if you have to spend a Destiny Point.

Zareq calls on the Dark Side, which the DM sells hard as him refusing to give in to some trumped-up officer. Meanwhile, Kon somehow cuts a pie with one big slice and goes mad from doing so. Bremen, up next, tries to keep his calm and get his sword in as well, and the DM upgrades his difficulty. He rolls amazingly well and passes it off as an object of research.

DM: A moment later, a thin, wiry man with a shaved head and a cybernetic brain implant approaches.
Zareq: Lobot! What’s up?
Bremen: Lobot!
DM: Wearing a dull-grey, semi-official suit. He smiles pleasantly as he reaches out to shake your hands. “Welcome to Felar and our fine university here. I am Proctor Erin Garai, before we let you delve into our research materials we must do a brief orientation. I know it sounds tedious but we do have a certain protocol here.”
Kon: “Of course! Lead on!”
Bremen: Oh, a tutorial!
Nolnaru: Can I skip the tutorial?
Zareq: His face clouds over. “No.”
DM: ‘Skip… the tutorial?’ (miming lighting two lightsabers) Also his cybernetic brain implant. (miming lightsabers erupting from it)

They are taken to a presentation center and given the indoctrination, while the players furiously roll to resist boredom, but at the end he turns to ask them what brings them here and what they want to know. Kon, who quickly confirms that Force study would be a bad thing, spins himself as a scholar of ancient civilizations. The DM offers him a choice of persuasive rolls vs. educated rolls, and after settling on the former, Kon rolls – absolutely nothing. Every symbol on the dice negates another one.

Nolnaru: He didn’t hear what you said. Please repeat the question.
Bremen: Allow us to introduce you to our studies via our tutorial!
Kon: Where is this going, nowhere? I just said a bunch of stuff and he said, ‘hmm, interesting.’
DM: Yep.

Zareq, up next, sells himself as a Core World scholar but the DM points out that his Knowledge(Core Worlds) is more practical than scholarly. So Zareq breaks out an Education roll, and succeeds with a threat.

Nolnaru: ‘I’ll believe you this time. PADAWAN.’
Kon: ‘But you got a little shit on your nose.’
Zareq: That doesn’t make any sense…
Nolnaru: ‘If you see my cousin in Bespin…’
Kon: ‘She’ll give you a good time.’

Bremen, ignoring helpful advice to present himself as a scholar of Your Mom, turns to a Charm roll, while Nolanru plots his ‘athletic scholarship’ angle. Bremen rolls poorly, and then Nolnaru is up.

Kon: What’s your Charm?
Nolnaru: 0.
Kon: What’s your Presence?
Nolnaru: 2. Dude, I am going to fail this.
Zareq: OF COURSE YOU ARE!

Nolnaru fails and earns himself a long unamused stare.Garai then explains their protocols and how to go about getting access to things, while the rest of the group futilely struggles to keep Nolnaru from mentioning the Jedi.

Bremen: IXnay on the EDIjay.
Zareq: His ankle’s been kicked like 20 times.
DM: “If there is anything, please contact me. I want your stay to be both pleasant and illuminating. Good luck on your research!”
Nolnaru: “Thanks! Where are the girls?”
Zareq: ‘Security to escort someone out.’

Three security guards join them as they leave, briefly explaining that they’re the PCs’ escorts. They head into the silent, dim Archive proper. An epic war erupts over a Klondike Bar, despite the DM furiously trying to keep the game on track with the appearance of Ashur Sungazer.

Kon: I don’t know if that’s our man. He’s a little tall. The hologram was a lot shorter.
DM: I guess you can’t spell ‘Kronk’ without ‘Kon’.

Deathly silence.

Zareq: I need a cricket noise on my phone.

He promptly gets one. Kon puts up a sign informing everyone they are the Jedi they’re looking for. Ashur at last approaches them, and the DM calls for a Charm check to judge their first impression.

Bremen: This guy’s here to help us, we’re trying to trick him into helping us out…
DM: No, no, he’s just never seen you before. You’re showing up, two of you are carrying swords for some reason, Nolnaru’s being himself, and you have three security guards in tow.

Kon manages the Charm check and Ashur greets him, apparently pooping himself in the process. They head deeper into the Archive on the apparently Jawa-powered elevators, as the DM tries to keep the game on track.

DM: “So there’s two problems with the artifact. Aside from not knowing enough about what it is, I;m not certain where it comes from, either. The University receives dozens of cultural artifacts from across the galaxy every day. They store and catalogue it but a lot of the paperwork is incomplete or missing.”
Bremen: Ark of the Covenant’s here somewhere.
DM: “It came with some other things that may or may not be from the same dig site. It’s as frustrating as it is exciting.”

They reach the appropriate floor, and Ashur checks out their research materials from a droid.

DM: The droid behind the window perks up at his approach. “Master Sungazer! Are you here for the usual?” “That’s right.”
Nolnaru: ‘Handjob, please.’
Zareq: ‘It’s the Handjob Archive. We’ll go to the regular one in a minute. I need this. I was so tense from waiting for your arrival.’

They head back into the workroom and the DM begins describing the artifacts laid out before them. The first is an ancient helmet, cut in half, which calls for a Knowledge(Outer Rim) check. Bremen doesn’t recognize the helmet but he does realize it was cut by a lightsaber. Kon realizes it came from the ancient Mandalorian Wars, and Zareq abruptly remembers that during that war the Mandalorians had penetrated fairly deep into Republic territory. The next item is an old transponder, which a Mechanics roll identifies as belonging to the a ship called the Astral Jester. Zareq delightedly gets to make a Knowledge(Core Worlds) check and remembers hearing folktales about a captain who allegedly knew several secret hyperspace lanes to the Deep Core. A Stormtrooper report details the capture of the artifacts in a businesslike tone.

DM: “Nothing else to report.”
Kon: ‘On a side note, my bunkmate needs to stop farting while we are sleeping. That is really pissing me off.’
Bremen: ‘Also, I am trying very hard not to slip back into my proper report.’
DM: You don’t know what this next item is, but if you had to guess, you’d say it was a droid control core, but it’s ancient and of a model that doesn’t easily come to mind.

It’s another Core Worlds check, but Zareq does poorly on the roll and achieves nothing. Kon rolls better but with a truckload of threat, and recognizes the core of a Basilisk war droid. These were Mandalorian war droids in the past, semi-sentient and rideable. Ashur at last produces a teardrop-shaped stone chip that radiates power with the Force.

Bremen: Yoda’s charm bracelet.
DM: ‘Gave to my high school crush I did.’
Bremen; ‘875 years ago.’
DM: ‘Friendzoned I was.’

The rolling begins! They determine that a Jedi Master known as Val Isa wore the charm.

Kon: I phrase it in a way that doesn’t say he’s a Jedi—
DM: WHAT way is that?
Kon: “A warrior wore this… a warrior of a different time.”

Zareq knows of Val Isa – she had a traveling sky temple under her protection. The group speculates that she was around at the same time as the Mandalorian War.

Bremen: Master Romun had us drop everything and come here to help this guy.
DM: Hethan Romun is not your master.
Bremen: Romun’s colleague, our master. Paplatine sent us here – sorry, lizard Palpatine—
DM: His name is Xachl!
Kon: You are digging under his skin, it’s hilarious.
Zareq: Satchel.
DM: Xachl, with an X!
Zareq: Zatchel.
DM: No! X-A-C-H-L.
Zareq: It sounds the same.
Kon: Xachl?
DM: Yes.
Kon: So it’s a Z sound.
DM: Yes, but it’s an X.
Bremen: Master… Manpurse. Master… (reluctantly saying it) Xachl…

The players wander off on the topic of names that begin with X. The presence of the guards stops them from actually mentioning anything about the Jedi or the Force, and for a moment they aren’t sure how to proceed.

Kon: I am now going to use my Deception to give out a lot of fake knowledge to bore the guards to sleep. What kind of roll am I going to need for that?

The amused DM instructs Kon to roll a Force die as part of this, and comes up with a success glut. The guards tune out, and Kon senses there is something he should be doing from his Foresight! Spending the Destiny Point, he turns to the Dark Side to see himself donning the necklace!

DM: You’re all horrified as his head pops like a watermelon.
Kon: Woo! Yeah! Diablo 3, let’s go!

Kon, in reality, has a vision the moment he dons it! He finds himself in a stone chamber, looking down at a safe he is moving a stone block over. Students warn him as Master Isa that Mandalorians are breaching the hull, and vision-Kon sends them away to fight the Mandalorians alone.

DM: The vision fades, but a few final words echo in your head. “Do not follow my example. Jedi cannot retreat from the world. They must struggle, succeed, and fail with the rest of the galaxy.”

Ending music plays and the DM quits the game because it is apparently over. Kon tells the others of his vision, and Ashur encourages them to start asking questions so they can find the answer! They dig deeper into the Mandalorian War, Anakin’s point of view, and what world would be involved.

Bremen: The Idej, yes, the Idej monks… the Deji…

They begin researching the other artifacts, quickly determining that the Archives believe Basilisk war droids are mythical and that talking in code is really difficult.

DM: ‘I am here to translate for the security guards. I speak over 600 dialects of Jive.’
Nolnaru: ‘Funky.’
Kon: I feel like I watched a video called ‘C-3P0 Learns Spanish’.
Zareq: It’s just like they plug a cable into him. ‘Ah. I now know Spanish.’ Credits.
DM: So you’ve researched a couple of thinks. What next.
Nolnaru: Where are the girls?
Bremen: We’ve kept him here all this time and he’s been quiet.
Zareq: I think he deserves to have a girl, let’s go find some.
Bremen: ‘Where’s your boob section?’
DM: (making vague milking motions)
Nolnaru: I’m not trying to milk the boobs.
DM: It’s the handjob robot, he’s come to deliver what you need.
Nolnaru: Ahh, why’s it gotta be a he?!

Reviewing the information, they focus on a system called Kohler, a legendary system of lost ships in the Deep Core. It shows in multiple references, and so they deduce that this is their destination!

DM: “Wonderful! When do we leave?”
Zareq: “Uh. Now.” Distract!
Kon: One of the guards realizes the handjob bot hasn’t serviced him yet and gets annoyed. “Where’s mah bot? Where’s my bot NOW?”

Ashur is in a hurry to come along, and this gives the group pause – Ashur probably has the knowledge they need, but it’s dangerous. Though Bremen and Nolnaru are in favor of bringing him, Kon rolls Charm to try to persuade him to not die.

DM: While he’s perfectly willing to stay on the ship, he’ll do whatever you tell him to with all that advantage, but he’s coming whether you like it or not.
Nolnaru: The bot did its job. He’s coming whether you like it or not.
Zareq: Ha ha ha, that’s terrible.
Kon: “Are you finished yet?” The bot stares into your soul.
DM: “Let me check all of these back in.” He begins putting all the artifacts back into the create.
Bremen: “Well, I guess the guards will be all too happy to see us leave.”
Nolnaru: ‘Goodbye, my love!’ I fell in love with Handjob Bot.
Zareq: Can we take Handjob Bot?
DM: 15 Conflict.
Zareq: I’ll take it.
DM: Yes. You will also take it, in addition to the 15 Conflict.
Bremen: ‘Welcome aboard, HJ-69.’
DM: ‘Can we pick up my brother, BJ-69?’
Nolnaru: ‘Yes!’
Bremen: ‘It wouldn’t be a party without both of you.’
DM: The droids go off into the corner. You do not hear or see them for several hours.
Bremen: I’m fine with that.

Time to blow the planet – but they don’t have a ride. Still, they inform the guards that they’re leaving, and said two guards look at each other in a way that the PCs immediately register as suspicious.

Kon: DM, have you followed your rules?
DM: Yes.
Kon: Who’s that old guy there with glasses? Is he suspicious?
Zareq: It’s Harrison Ford spying on you.
DM: Stop looking at things.
Kon: I’m sorry, that picture looks ridiculous! You got old people spying around your place, you gotta point ‘em out?
DM: The guards step away as you head for the exit, stepping outside the Archive through the security point you came through, but suddenly the campus lights take on an ugly off-yellow tint, signaling the university is on alert. You notice the crowds of scholars tense up as they look about to find the source of trouble. On various computer monitors, both public and personal, you see your images, assumed names, and identichip numbers displayed along with the text ‘Wanted for Questioning’.
Kon: I quickly do what Nolnaru always does: attempt a disguise in the middle of nowhere.
DM: “Hey!” And you see security guards pushing their way through the crowd towards you.
Nolnaru: ‘I’m telling you the handjob bot wanted it!’

Initiative occurs. The guards roll terribly, and Nolnaru swiftly advocates murdering them all. The rest of the group is not really on board with this. Zareq really, really wants to use Misdirect, but the crowded conditions make it difficult to maneuver and Misdirect only works on one person. Kon uses Foresight and envisions himself skulking about the spaceport looking for passages, but in the short time they’re all just running for the hills. The other players advise Nolnaru on how to do Nolnaru things.

Nolnaru: Shoot someone in the crowd so they trip over them!

A guard manages to squeeze off a shot at Nolnaru. While the DM looks up the damage, Nolnaru advises that he has a soak of 5.

Kon: But he has a blaster rifle that shoots vibroknives, so 2 piercing!
Zareq: DAMN IT!
Bremen: It’s a poisoned blaster bolt!
DM: You take 6 strain damage reduced by your soak.
Nolnaru: ‘Handjob bot, nooooooo!’
Kon: He jumps in front of you. ‘You were my best… customer. I… love… you…”

The guards continue to fire on the PCs, who continue to scramble away at top speed. Reaching extreme range, they successfully flee into the city and evade their pursuit.

DM: Sneaking through the alleys of the city is not a difficult task, but by the time you reach the spaceport you can seee that not only are your names up on displays, but also a general lockdown order has been put down over transport.
Bremen: We need a hacker. Or a slicer.
Zareq: There just happen to be four guys walking by that look kinda like our size and shapes and stuff like that.
DM: It turns out they’re all Jedi. They come out dusting their hands off, leaving your battered bodies in there.
Zareq: Or for some reason we roll really well. “Huh, I don’t think I want to be a Jedi any more.”
Bremen: Hey, found our lightsabers.
DM: (injured voice) ‘From my point of view THOSE guys were evil.’ There’s still traffic coming and going.
Bremen: We’re gonna have to get a ride with somebody—
Zareq: Some sketchy motherfucker, on a planet like this. Do we see our friend?
DM: Nope!

Only light freighters are being stopped, and even then not all of them. The spaceport is using tractor beams to hold people down while security does a ship-to-ship seach. Nolnaru, with some forethought, queries the DM about what he can get with Knowledge(Underworld). His goal is to find someone to smuggle them out!

Nolnaru: So I got… I only have one point in Underworld – I have NO points in Underworld! God damn it, I’m an idiot.
DM: Ha ha ha, you had nothing,
Kon: I was all excited, I thought you were ready.
Nolnaru: I was going nowhere. But it’s an idea, so whoever’s got a good Intellect… Nothing bad happens if I fail.
DM: Unless you roll terribly.
Bremen: This Stormtrooper looks like he’s got an underworld connection!

Zareq rolls, while Nolnaru unilaterally declares a Destiny Point expenditure. He succeeds, but with a LOT of threat.

DM: A name comes to your mind.
Nolnaru: A Hutt.
Bremen: No. Not on this planet.
Kon: Racist McRacist.
Nolnaru: Racist McJedihater.
DM: Jandu Doormu. He’s in fact an administrator at this very spaceport.
Nolnaru: Wow, he’s a well-ranked thief.
DM: Gotta be somewhere to coordinate smuggling and crime.
Bremen: How do you know this person?

A long silence, before everyone silently agrees to ignore this question.

Nolnaru: How do we approach him?
Zareq: Where’s the admin building?
Nolnaru: It’s his day off?!
DM: You DID get a disadvantage!

The heroes put their hoods up, forgetting that they have padded armor and not awesome cloaks, and they creep to the admin building. Stormtroopers stand out there! They contemplate bribing someone to throw rocks, hurling credits on the ground to start a riot. The DM confirms that the Stormtroopers know they are criminals but it isn’t their job to find the PCs. Giving up on this sneaking, they put in a commlink call to Jando Doormu’s office, commlinks now working exactly like telephones.

Nolnaru: I want to throw rocks at his windows.
DM: “Good evening. This is Jando Doormu’s office. May I direct your call?”
Zareq: “May I speak with Jando Doormu, please?”
DM: “May I ask who is calling?”
Zareq: “A colleague.”
Nolnaru: “What is the name of this colleague?”
Zareq: “Ummm…. Boormu Jandi?”
DM: “I’m sorry. No reference to that name exists in my database.”

Zareq uses Ashur Sungazer’s name, just as a phone plays the dungeon clear refrain from Final Fantasy XIV. The group erupts into a weirdly raucous celebration of their success.

DM: Make a Deception roll against this poor droid.
Zareq: Because of my comment?
DM: You’re trying to fool him into thinking that you are an authorized colleague to speak to their boss—
Zareq: Why am I talking to this guy?
Kon: I’ll do the talking.
DM: Zareq quickly hangs up, tossing the commlink over to Kon…
Zareq: I am Mandalor. Lord of the Mandalorians.

Kon’s dice leave him Jar-Jaring it up, and the droid hangs up on him. Bremen is up next, but the droid now refuses to accept comm transmissions. Given that the crowd is pretty upset, Bremen decides to use Move to bounce something off a Stormtrooper’s head to make it seem like someone threw it. The DM calls for a Discipline check to see if he can do this at a reasonable speed; he fails and misses wide, but with enough advantage that it looks like a hurled item.

Kon: Should one of us try to yell out as they notice the rock, yell out, “Hey, why’d that guy throw a rock?” But that would also bring attention to ourselves, so I don’t think that will work.
Nolnaru: Does anyone have any explosive devices on them?
Zareq: WHAT?!
Nolnaru: I’m gonna go blow up a crate!
Zareq: WHY?!
Nolnaru: So all the guards will—
Zareq: Why are you so horrible as a person?!
Kon: If only Handjob Bot had survived!

From the corner of their eye, they notice a Pathfinder scout ship come down without trouble. They also notice people stepping out of it – which prompts the players to begin chanting the Imperial March before the DM ever describes said people.

DM: One Stormtrooper with a blaster rifle held at military attention, and a curiously thin figure dressed entirely in a black cloak.
Zareq: Walks heavily. Thud thud thud thud, like Kylo Ren.
Bremen: A hood?
DM: Yes. You cannot see the figure of this person but you recognize it is unnaturally thin. Like this might be a skeleton underneath it.
Zareq: Eh.

The group immediately proposes stealing his ship. A joke which rapidly becomes more serious as they consider that they COULD escape on it without being stopped.

Nolnaru: Nobody’s gonna question it taking off except for the fact that Darth Vader’s going to be in the building—
DM: It’s clearly not Darth Vader!
Nolnaru: Whatever.
Zareq: All right, the Mouth of Sauron just walked past.

The DM explicitly tells them that if they steal the ship, they will not find it pulled back down to the ground through the individual’s sheer power in the Force. He also points out this character is not canon to stop the rampant speculation. The Imperial March in the background ends and the soundtrack moves on.

DM: …this took a weird turn. Why are we in Relax-O-Vision?
Kon: I don’t know who he is.
Bremen: He’s bad news, whoever he is.
Zareq: He’s Mandalor, lord of the Mandalorians.
Kon: I’m going to focus my Force powers and use my Foresee.
Zareq: We’re stuck, we need a cheat guide. That’s what your Foresight is.
Kon: Moreso if it’s a good idea for one of us to follow him in…
Zareq: I sit down and go into Battle Meditation.
DM: …it doesn’t work!
Kon: I don’t think I can do that general.
DM: You can try to get a hazy glimpse of the future.
Bremen: You see our burnt, riddled corpses…

Kon envisions a future of following him. It is only pain. They decide not to do that.

DM: The figure walks up to the administrative building. The hood of the cloak turns, and from beneath it, you can see two red lights, not quite at the proper distance to be proper eyes, as they sweep over the crowd.
Nolnaru: It’s a droid! Handjob Droid, is that you?
Kon: He’s been turned to the Dark Side!

Kon rolls well on Foresee to envision escaping on the ship, and sees Zareq clutching the ship helm as the planet fades beneath them. The players cynically expect Star Destroyers in orbit, and debate how high-ranking this guy is. The DM calls for Knowledge(Education), prompting profanity and leading him to amend it to Core Worlds as well. Zareq’s dice have him Jar Jar it up, but he’s able to identify an improved hyperdrive on it. Kon pulls off the rolls to identify the Pathfinder scout ship, which has a capacity of 4.

Kon: “Based on my vision and my apparent knowledge of the ship I’ve never seen before—“
DM: You’re educated, you dumbass!
Kon: Yeah. Yeah. “This knowledge of this vessel, I think our best chance actually is to sneak onto this ship. And from what I’ve seen, you’re our best way of flying our way out.”
Nolnaru: “Me?!”
DM: I think Bremen had the Agility…
Zareq: No no, tell it to him.
Bremen: ‘Where’s the weapon systems, I want to fly over the crowd and stop blasting them.’
DM: ‘All right, my only hope to fly this thing is to use the cortosis gauntlets to short out all the systems I DON’T want running at any given time. All right, I DON’T want to go right, so I’m shorting out the right engine…’
Kon: “I foresaw you flying us out.”
Bremen: Did you foresee me failing a dice roll that will crash this ship?!
Kon: How shall we sneak through the crowd?
DM: It’s not too difficult at this point, if you’re not calling blatant attention to yourself—
Kon: (bursting into a full on power metal ballad) BLATANT ATTENTION TO MYSELF ba ba ba ba na!

The ship has no guard, and the group envisions a scenario in which they escape with the ship only to finally notice Vader sitting in a seat the entire time. The group begins rerolling Wookies and Ewoks as Zareq tries to sneak in, scoring five successes and two disadvantages. 2 strain ensues for him as he approaches a boxy droid at the top of the gangplank.

Bremen: Gonk.
DM: No.
Bremen: Gonk.
Nolnaru: It’s BJ-3000.
Kon: (observing the DM’s motions) It’s a smaller version of Rumble.
Bremen: What happened to Zarshaan?

Zareq ponders his options – the droid could be useful to them. The DM advises him to roll Mechanics to shut it down, then Computers to reprogram it.

Kon: I got it, guys. Reprogram it to protect John Connor in the past.
Bremen: You could reprogram it to power up the ship and fly it out of here. That would REALLY get the Imperial agent interested in something behind us.

Zareq disables the droid, but has so much threat it takes several minutes. Someone raises the thought of Ashur Sungazer, but they immediately dismiss him and promise their master can just get in touch with him later.

DM: “I’m afraid he was killed for your crimes. You must suffer—“
Kon: You’re making him sound like a villain more and more! Please stop! I think we’re dealing with a villain here.

Zareq is unable to reprogram the droid, so they just leave it in the hall as Bremen comes up to check on him. They give the signal and everyone charges up into the ship and straight into Donkey Kong Rapes the Mississippi. A furious argument erupts over ray shields and Darth Maul.

Kon: Skip the whole fact that they have nine barriers to a pit! Why is there nine barriers to this pit?
Bremen: The book explained it.
Kon: Really? What was the purpose of that room?!
Bremen: It wouldn’t calm you down if I could accurately remember it enough to explain it.

The group piles onto the ship and into the pilot’s seats – Zareq in the lead. The Imperial droid walks back into the hangar just as they pull up the gangplank. Initiative results (along with cantina music, for no reason). The group sees how many dice the droid has for his roll and are discouraged.

DM: The cloaked figure bursts into a sprint, then does an amazing leap off of the ground, landing on the outside of the cockpit. Two metal hands are splayed on either side and the hood has rolled back to reveal a metallic face. It is indeed a droid.
Zareq: Can I Force-push his hand off as a move?
DM: You do have to move him as a whole. “You’re on my… ship.”
Zareq: “Ours now, buddy.”
Bremen: You’re on your ship!
Kon: Fly! Fly! Fly! Pull all the blasters! Initiate a sub-warp!

The DM calls for a pants-pooping check, or more appropriately a Fear check – a Discipline roll, since they had no time to prepare, difficulty 3. The players sass the droid, while Nolnaru succumbs to fear which leads to anger and 3 Conflict, and Zareq takes 3 Conflict as well.

Kon: You gonna fly us out of here?
Bremen: Hopefully the droid doesn’t get the idea to just punch through the viewport so we can’t leave the atmosphere.
Nolnaru: I have a feeling the viewport’s probably stronger than that.
Zareq: Let’s not – let’s hope we don’t test that.

They punch it, slamming the throttle open and straining the ship, while Nolnaru desperately looks for any excuse to rake people on the crowd with turret fire. Piloting ensues!

Nolnaru: That’s horrible.
Bremen: It’s ALWAYS horrible. But yes.
Nolnaru: You have a failure and a disadvantage.
DM: You pilot your way out of the landing bay at top speed—
Bremen: Going towards the ground!
DM: But the rear stabilizer clips a local protrusion and a chunk of it goes spinning off into the distance, dealing some moderate damage to the ship.
Bremen: Not my ship!
Kon: What can Zareq do as copilot?
Bremen: You can grab my neck and be like, “STOP KILLING US!”

Nolnaru strains his groin as he looks for pursuers, while Kon starts doing damage control and desperately restores 3 strain to the ship.

Zareq: Bremen and I are looking at each other like, “We’re probably not going to make it out of this one.”
Bremen: I wanted to die in combat, not like… this.
Kon: I feel like one day we’ll be sitting here, you guys’ll be piloting again, I’ll have failed a roll and be caught in a lot of wires. “The hyperdrive’s not working!” I’ll roll like 6 successes and somehow fix the hyperdrive falling out of the tangle of wires.
Bremen: That’ll be why we go into hypserspace, you’ll complete the circuit.
DM: The droid sinks his metal fingers slightly into the cockpit window. Two other arms flip out from beneath his cloak.
Nolnaru: Aww, fuck, dude, it’s what’s his name.
Bremen: It is. It’s Grievous. Well, he said it’s a droid, not a cyborg.
Zareq: Grievos-esque.
DM: And you hear a harsh double-crack, as two crimson beams come out from each side.
Nolnaru: It’s Grievous.
Bremen: He’s got lightsaber.
DM:Yes.
Bremen: Two lightsabers.
DM: He slams them both into the glass. They pass through, and one stops an inch from your face as the hilt impacts it.
Bremen: Point that thing somewhere else!
DM: He seems content to simply cling on and let the lightsabers melt their way in.
Nolnaru: Can I get out of the turret and get to the cockpit quickly!
DM: When it’s your turn…
Nolnaru: I’m gonna disable those lightsabers.
Bremen: You don’t know they’re there!
Nolnaru: I know, but I’m gonna get up there. I’m not doing anything down here.
Bremen: How did we go from ‘wanna be Sith junior’ to ‘cyborg Sith lord’! This game realizes we have nothing to throw at it, right?
DM: To be fair, this is me going a little bit off while you say in the administrative building. AND IT WORKED! Now then, what are you going to do?
Bremen: …shake it off!

The DM awards Bremen a crapton of boost dice to his effort to shake the droid off, but despite all this he manages to not succeed. The droid has to disengage the lightsabers to hold on better, rotating his hands out of the way to slam spikes into the windshield.

Bremen: This guy has everything. If we end up his prisoners but not dead, there’ll have to be proper introduction. “I am General…. Sriegous.”
Zareq: I know, I can short the shields and zap the shit out of him – I don’t know!
DM: Dude, try whatever the hell you want.

Zareq goes for it, despite the difficulty of the check, and succeeds! The ship takes strain, irritating Kon, but the shield is visibly attempting to repel the droid now. Nolnaru scrambles up to the cockpit, disappointed that he can see no lightsabers.

Kon: Shoot him with your gun!
Nolnaru: I probably could shoot him with my gun… no, the shield’s up, wouldn’t it just bounce right back?
DM: A, there’s a windshield in the way, and B, yeah, you did up the shields.

The droid tries to adjust his grip, but fails to roll any successes. Bremen tries to shake him off once again! With success this time, they wrench the droid off the window and he tumbles off to the ground below. The group furiously begins repairing the windscreen – mostly Nolnaru, who has a crapton of Athletics,and Enhance

DM: Add your Force die to roll an Enhance power check as part of that.
Zareq: Enhance Power?!
DM: He has the power, Enhance.
Bremen: He has the power.
DM: The power of flight! That do anything for you?
Kon: You guys lost it. He has the power…
Bremen: To move you.
Kon: He has the touch!

Nolnaru slaps sealant over the holes, which causes an outer panel to change colors for no reason. They furiously take refuge on a small moon, then Endor. Despite their efforts to suicide, they are free from the planet and ready to go off in search of the mystery system with the mystery ship – NEXT TIME!