Last time on the 80’s Heroes Game, the heroes had rescued that priest who keeps having bad stuff happen to him, as well as claimed a staff for Loki (however reluctantly).

Leo: I just made Leo a rogue, by the way. I just said fuck it.
Krenalket: That was what Pol was!
Leo: There was no Pol!
Krenalket: YES THERE WAS!
Leo: I don’t know what crack you’re smoking.

Krenalket abandons the table, but promptly returns before they can clear the D&D detritus away and start playing Arkham Horror. The priests detours to grab several items that had been stolen from him, which represents loot for this encounter.

DM: A pretzel rod, +1.
Krenalket: “It’s a good thing we prevented this evil from taking place.”
DM: (helplessly laughing at Krenalket’s voice, then adopting Sulesdag’s) ‘Now let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves.’
Krenalket: (combining his own voice with Sulsedag’s) “Now everybody calm down…”
DM: Awesomest hybrid ever!
Krenalket: One reaaaally tall gnome.
Karmus: “Boxes here…”
DM: Karmus, you came seeking one thing. Courage. Well, you have everything those courageous heroes do have. But they have one thing you do not. A certificate. What did he give the lion?
Krenalket: Didn’t he get a medal?
Bellrill: Which he immediately melted down for his ‘medicine’. You didn’t see the dark ending? The alternate ending of the show?

Somehow Bellrill becomes the lion, and hearts are liberally stolen left and right for distribution. The priests tells them the artifacts were fashioned from the demons they slew on that dark day at the temple!

Krenalket: We are gonna get Item 2 so hard, guys.
Peregrinus: “Dr. Wiwy is in the wadar woom.”
DM: “I haven’t built Wush yet, so hewe’s Item Thwee. It’s a sprwingboard.” He produces first a pair of gloves. Hopefully one of you has a hand slot that is not occupied… I should just make the priest’s voice Dr. Light’s voice. Oh yeah, that’s what I’m gonna do, ‘cuz that’s what’s gonna be fun!

Bellrill immediately declares himself not it for recording loot, then ends up recording loot for some reason. The DM is confident he’s come up with items that will not be sold for a change.

DM: “These gwoves were fashioned fwom the demon that swung bubbles at you! Gwoves of the Bubble Demon.” Okay. “Once per wound you can cast Bubble Wead. It’s a standard action…”
Bellrill: (whispering to Karmus) Is he being serious?
Karmus: I hope he is.
DM: I’m not making this up, if that’s what you mean.
Bellrill: (infinitely skeptical) You say I can cast Bubble Lead.
DM: If you wanna George Lucas redact the words that came out of his mouth later, feel free. “Once per wound, as a standard action. The target has to make a Jump check or be knocked pwone, and take 1d6 fawwing damage.” He pwoduces another pair of gwoves. “Gwoves of the Air Demon. Twice pew day, you can cast an AOE tornado.” It can be up to a 30 foot square, targets must make a Reflex save, or they’re thrown into the air. “Taking 2d6 fawwing damage. And pwone. A paiw of throwing bwades, the Bwades of the Metal Demon. On a successful thwowing attack, these bwades dig into the tawget’s body. They do 1d6+1 damage pew wound!”
Karmus: I keep thinking he’s saying ‘braids’.
DM: “And a successful Stwength check must be made to wemove the bwades, which will also cause a hemorrhaging of the damage. A neckwace for your thwoat swot. This is the Necwace of the Guts Demon. It bestows a pwus four to gwapple checks, and ovewsized objects can be used as thwown weapons. Impwovised. Like a sofa.”
Karmus: Or Krenalket’s ego.

Bellrill, angrily complaining that his handwriting is too bad to keep writing loot, passes the duty off onto Krenalket, who is the only person present with worse handwriting that Bellrill.

DM: “Wastwy, a pendant! This one I’ve saved for wast. It’s my cwowning achievement. The Chwonochawm of the Fwash Demon.”
Bellrill: Your pants are removed, revealing your genitalia to your enemies.
DM: “Each day the Chwonochawm has five chawges. One chawge will give you an extwa move action. Thwee chawges, an extwa attack action. All five chawges, an entire extwa full-wound action.”

They distribute the loot about, with a few necessary clarifications. Bellrill is super-interested in the blades, being a throwing character, especially since the blades promise damage even when they’re removed.

Krenalket: IF it’s removed!
Karmus: “Oh I’ll remove it.”
Krenalket: But – but – but – you’re gonna – they’re our enemies! Why would you help them?
Karmus: Because it does more bleed damage.
Krenalket: But it would do more damage if it sat there and ground!
Karmus: “It’s more fun that way.”

A pause.

Krenalket: You’re a loose cannon, Karmus!
Karmus: My Wisdom is 13, what’s up with that? (noting Krenalket) What are you doing?
Krenalket: Biting on the pretzel and then pulling?

A very long pause.

Krenalket: SCIENCE DOESN’T NEED A REASON.
Karmus: Go to your room! Are you trying to shave it, is that what you’re doing?
Krenalket: I don’t have an intended outcome…

The group flees the temple at last, though they recognize they succeeded in both their primary and secondary objectives. This poses a slight problem.

Krenalket: “I’m sure we’re gonna regret giving Loki this staff.”
Peregrinus: “What was your first clue?”
Krenalket: “Loki.” He might want it just to seduce a particularly handsome stallion, how do we know?

They debate how to get to Asgard – even the DM doesn’t remember if they’d been manually transported or just passed a Portkey. It’s a portal, so they scramble back through it and return to the safety of Asgard, bemoaning how very active they are while dead.

Krenalket: (bitterly) “I guess we better go find Loki and give him his staff – he’s right behind me, isn’t he.”
DM: “Ah, there you are.”
Krenalket: “I knew it!”
DM: “Back so soon?”
Krenalket: “We’re very competent. Now that Kratin isn’t here.”
DM: “Where is he anyway?”
Krenalket: “We may have left him behind, but I’m sure he’ll be back.”
DM: “That’s a terrible shame.”
Krenalket: “These things happen.”
DM: Ha ha! Look at you! Look at you! If that made the transcription, you’re totally trying to throw his character off a cliff off-camera. Well-played, well-played.

Bellrill and Karmus obstinately pronounce the ‘h’ in ‘Cool Whip’, leading Krenalket to try to put a hit out on them. As usual, people eat with their mouths open. The PCs reluctantly give Loki the staff while trying to look very neutral about it, and Loki in turn gives them a writ.

DM: A writ on the Bank of Loki.
Peregrinus: Uh-oh.
DM: No, it’s not from the Bank of Loki.
Karmus: 20 Funcoins, uh-oh.
DM: 24,000 Funcoins.
Bellrill: Are the bankers those goblins from Harry Potter?
Peregrinus: Yes.
Krenalket: Oh come on, this was worth more than one quarter portion!
DM: It is a writ redeemable – wait, I already said. 24,000.
Krenalket: Then you said Loki Dollars or something.
Bellrill: 24,000 Bison Dollars, which is worth… how much is it worth, Krenalket?
Krenalket: Jack and shit for our purposes.
Bellrill: So listen, Karmus, I want to keep it secret from them, so don’t tell them, but I’m training my pet to hate My Little Pony. I don’t know how I’m gonna do it, but it’s just gonna HATE it.
Karmus: You know, we probably should have this conversation somewhere else.
Bellrill: Oh, Peregrinus, Krenalket, what are you two doing here….
Peregrinus: Don’t include me in that.
David: I like pie.

Bellrill settles down to make these blades more awesome, contemplating buffs and enchantments and weapon crystals. Krenalket points out that 4000 is exactly enough to purchase a +2 stat item, which settles most of them, although Karmus apparently wanders into the knock-off isle because he briefly obtains a Belt of Gant Strength.

Krenalket: And my Spellcraft is sky-high now!
Karmus: Oh crap, I forgot to do skills.

A pause.

Bellrill: Ohhhh my God, you’re absolutely right, I completely forgot that was a think!
Karmus: Oh well!
Krenalket: It’s not like you have a lot of skills there, Karmus.
Karmus: Thankfully, I’m not like a rogue this time.

Bellrill wanders into a strange conversation with someone who talks like Sulesdag, then becomes Bellrill Baggins, only three feet tall (and six feet wide). This goes on for ages.

Krenalket: I cast Dispel Filler.
Bellrill: I love the fact that Krenalket is partially happy that we’re RPing, but at the same time is SO angry. You can see the rage. I can’t really use the Belt of Champions. None of my clerics have never worshipped the god Kord.
DM: Kord, god of strength.
Bellrill: How did you know?
DM: Kord with a K.
Bellrill: No, it’s a Kord… with a G.
Krenalket: God of knots.

A very long pause, broken only by Bellrill’s bitter sigh.

Karmus: Sometimes called Don!
Bellrill: You can’t describe my depression when he turns it on me. I die a little bit. Just a little bit on the inside.
Krenalket: It can’t be that much, after what, seven years?
Karmus: It takes its toll.
Bellrill: It takes its toll.
Krenalket: Oh, we’re about to hit 8, aren’t we?

We are! Hooray for gaming! A walking, talking bowl of soup appears and demands to be eaten.

Bellrill: The soup wasn’t good, if I remember correctly.
Peregrinus: It was good, it was just poisoned!
Krenalket: The taste of almonds was too strong.

Loki reappears to chat with Bellrill and apparently sass Karmus for reading the Great Book of Gummi.

Karmus: “Listen. Don’tcha interrupt mah time with the Great Book of Gummi, all right?”
DM: Remead bamook namow!
Karmus: “What do you want, Loki?”
DM: “Putting some crystals on those blades?”
Bellrill: “They’re kinda pricey. I don’t know if my weapons can handle it. They have some high magical requirements.”
DM: “As it happens, I’m here, once again, on official business. But I could perhaps assist you in speeding up this transaction.”
Bellrill: “What would that cost me?”
DM: “A moment of your time, of course. And serious consideration of my proposal.”
Karmus: “It’s never that simple with you.”
DM: “Come now, master dwarf, you’re a group of fellows who can get things done.”
Karmus: “And yet it’s just you and Garl who are clambering over us.”
DM: “As it happens, events have transpired while you were away. Certain nefarious events.”
Bellrill: “What can we do to aid the situation?”
DM: “Well, you remember some time ago—“ (out of nowhere) “You took pawt in a gweat touwnament at a casino!”

Loki tells them that the Key to Sigil they had won was a FAKE! A huge argument erupts over the use of flying eagles as plot bypasses, then the use of Maia as plot bypasses. Another party had been sent to retrieve the key, but Asgard has lost contact with them. Loki also offers to pay for Bellrill’s equipment upgrades.

Karmus: Now you’re indebted to Loki. That’s worse than being indebted to the Mob!
DM: Whoa!
Bellrill: I’ve been brought back from the dead as an eternal ‘warrior’, though in some cultures the word warrior translates to ‘slave’…

Bellrill, at Karmus’s advice, declines Loki’s aid. He ends up being roasted on a spit in a village of bullywugs, for no apparent reason. This also apparently permakills him.

Karmus: As Krenalket would say, that’s oddly specific. But I guess that’s the point.
Bellrill: I have a regular blade, and on the other blade, fire! (miming throwing, complete with sound effects) Target’s dead. Return! (miming it returning)
Krenalket: Return! (miming it grinding into him) Why? Why?!
Bellrill: My bombs are acid. Or healing. “One of these is healing, one of these is acid! I have to throw them both to make sure!”
Karmus: ‘Just hope I roll lower on one than the other.’

The referential scope of this mission is rapidly becoming clear to the group, as Loki tells them they’re off to find the key in Chief’s mansion. The DM orders Karmus and Bellrill not to cheat, then admit it’s impossible for them not to.

Bellrill: Don’t take that shotgun off that thing! No!
Karmus: ‘You were nearly a Krenalket sandwich!’
DM: “The protections that the Chief has put in place for traversing his mansion are unfortunately unaffected by conventional magical means.”
Krenalket: “That’s hardly fair! What means does he use? Perhaps I shall learn them, master them, and turn them on his face! You know, eventually. I’m sure I don’t have time now.”
Karmus: Krenalket seems more vengeful than he was before.
Krenalket: He’s been upset since he lost that tournament.
DM: “None of the conventional means of bypassing obstacles, like…. Psicrystals and animal companions, none of those gamebreaking things will WORK, I’m afraid!’
Karmus: I can’t use White Raven Tactics, break the game that way?
DM: That’s not magical. That’s just spiteful.
Karmus: “You! Go now!” “Okay.”
Bellrill: Be careful. We could be going up against the Juggernaut.
Karmus: “I’m not mutant, my powers are magical!” … I don’t know why he’s fucking Southern.
Krenalket: “I ga-ron-tee, my powers are magical.”
Karmus: Creole Juggernaut…

It rapidly gets ridiculous. Krenalket makes a pun and gets slapped, while Loki warns them about patrolling hellhounds. A suggestion they get underway leads to Loki transporting them all without warning, dropping them outside the mansion in the tall grass. Krenalket is ripped apart by the other PCs all grabbing him to compensate for his speed of 20 as they run for the mansion.

Bellrill: Top speed! Run! I turn around! Start shooting! Turn around and start shooting, backpedaling my gun! Boom boom boom!
DM: Wasting magnum bullets so soon?
Karmus: “Feets don’t fail me now!”
Bellrill: All right, everyone check your inventories real quick, we need to see what difficulty we’re on. Who has the lockpick?
DM: Well, which one of you is the Master of Unlocking?
Krenalket: That would be the rogue!
Karmus: Aww, I thought it was gonna be me, and my battle axe would just be it…
DM: Oh man, I won’t be able to get any of you to fall for the same stuff.

The howling becomes growling behind them as the hellhounds take up the chase. They reach the double doors and boot them! …nothing happens. Krenalket pulls the pins out while simultaneously blowing on it.

Bellrill: I pick up Krenalket like a battering ram!
Krenalket: “Oh no!”
DM: ‘Knock your head against it, Krenalket!’
Krenalket: “Seriously! Door—“
Bellrill: (miming swinging a body) Bwew!
Krenalket: “Ow.”
DM: Krenalket’s head fails to shatter the doors.

Karmus puts his back into popping the doors open with a crowbar! They all realize no one tried the handle, which they promptly do. The doors open.

Karmus: “I loosened it! Great!”
Bellrill: “Good job. Definitely those doors were not locked until you did the things.”
DM: To be fair, Krenalket’s head took the brunt…

Peregrinus distracts the game with a drawing of a Christmas sweater with humpin’ deer. Peregrinus would later discover that the contest this sweater was drawn for would not allow its entry for rating reasons, which makes this all the more amusing in retrospect.

DM: You’re in a tremendous main foyer.
Krenalket: Cursed, foyered again.
Bellrill: (sobbing)
DM: Yes. Stop it, Bellrill!
Bellrill: Hurts so much…

Bellrill hurls an M&M tube down in disgust and manages to land it on its end, which is kind of impressive. Karmus accurately describes the foyer, as if he knew what the DM envisioned somehow! Krenalket aggressively tries to sequence-break, so Karmus bars the front doors with him.

Bellrill: Should we split up or keep together?
Krenalket: “No splitting up!”
Karmus: (singing) ‘Don’t you know…’
DM: Aww, but you can explore the mansion faster if you split up!
Krenalket: “And then hellhounds will eat me. No thank you.”
DM: But the hellhounds are outside!
Krenalket: For now.
Karmus: “Me, David, and Bellrill go that way. Peregrinus and you go the other way. Krenalket – you’re on your own.”

The DM does everything in his power to feed Krenalket to the hellhounds, while Karmus struggles with the tank controls. They head through a door to the right into a miniature art gallery, with Karmus muttering about the room contents ahead of time the other way.

DM: Will you climb the statue, Karmus?
Karmus: No, no. It’s probably trapped now.
DM: Well there is in the back of the room what looks to be a portable stepladder.

They find another door out, and a doorless opening behind the stepladder. The DM is in a state of giddy glee at the players’ awkward meta-knowledge.

Krenalket: “Well. Perhaps we should take that stepladder. I don’t know WHY…”
DM: No no, it’s large.
Karmus: You have to push it around.
Krenalket: Use the Guts power!
DM: Oooh.
Krenalket: “Just because I have an Intelligence of 20 doesn’t mean I should do everyone’s thinking for them! Even though it does.”
Bellrill: I have an Intelligence of 20.
Karmus: I actually have an Intelligence of 17.
Krenalket: What the fuck, Karmus!?

Krenalket shoves a Lesser Rod of Extend up Karmus’s nose, causing him to sneeze out crayons and become a super-genius. Krenalket curses the Crayolobotomy. Karmus decides to check the basin of the statue, and finds the automap. No, really. Krenalket uses everyone’s favorite skill, Knowledge(architecture and engineering) to try to find inconsistencies or information in the map, but Peregrinus gets him involved in shenanigans which derail the game for a while.

Krenalket: “Karmus, will you do the honors? Will your hit points do the honors?”
Karmus: Locked.
DM: Yes, there’s a carving in the door.
Bellrill: It’s a sword.
DM: See, the two of you together ARE a psicrystal.
Krenalket: “Pol, I mean Leo, would you care to unlock this door?”
Leo: (a rude gesture)
Krenalket: “Why did we bring you along?”
Leo: “I don’t know.” Modified 20.
DM: What you remember about sword-key locked doors?
Bellrill: They eat the key.
DM: (sputtering) Okay, your lockpicks are gone!
Krenalket: Wow, this is a sword-did story.
Bellrill: (a really big sigh)
Karmus: Wow, that was a really big sigh.

A long silence. Leo opens the door.

Krenalket: “Well, I’m not all that impressed by these ‘elegant defenses’.”
DM: “Is that all you can conjure, Saruman?” Yes, keep taunting fate, Krenalket! The big explosion is headed your way!

They head into a hall with strange wallpaper, which Krenalket attempts to decrypt. They hear noises from outside, and the DM hints that in fact Loki was wrong about the hellhounds.

Krenalket: “Loki says a lot of things.”
DM: Has he lied to you yet?
Karmus: Surprisingly, no. I don’t think he has. Has he?
DM: Have you ever heard the tragedy of Darth Plagueis the wise? The wallpaper has not seen fit to cough up its secrets to you, Krenalket.
Karmus: Roll harder.
Peregrinus: Oh, he got a natural 20.
Krenalket: Now the wallpaper will tell me everything it knows.
DM: The wallpaper will tell you—
Leo: ‘Suck a dick’.
Karmus: The wallpaper starts bleeding. You lose a point of Sanity.
Krenalket: Huh.

For some reason the conversation veers off into Harry Potter conspiracy theories. I have no idea how or why. It leads into Sith Lord Jar-Jar territory. For some reason, though, the entire group is in favor of playing a Gungan Jedi. Karmus heads around a corner – in fact, everyone is going super slowly, waiting for hellhounds to burst in and attack. Hellhounds burst in and attack! Everyone is surprised! (No one was surprised.) The group remembers fondly their belief that Inferian had provoked the DM to quit the game mid-session, and on that note, the game comes to an end with combat looming.