Last time in the Elemental Evil module, the DM got so fed up with the lead-in adventures that he just raised the PCs to three so they could begin the story proper. Leveling up vigorously, they are now well-known heroes around town! He also passes out some awesome treasure – Boots of Speed, a Belt of Dwarvenkind, and a potion or two.

Zurgas: Johnson, what kind of monk are you making?
Johnson: …what?
Zurgas: What kind of monk are you making?!
Johnson: Oh, I’m making the monk that punches people.

The boots go to the monk, the Ring of Free Action to Trench, and Turbis and Zurgas vie for control over the belt. Zurgas begins reading its powers.

DM: I love the next part…
Zurgas: You have a 50% chance each day of growing a full beard…
Trench: (incredulous) Get the fuck out of here!
DM: Your race has to be able to grow a beard.
Zurgas: ‘If you’re capable of growing one.’
DM: You can’t just throw it on an elf and have the time of your life. Every night, put it on a different character,

Selis wild shapes into an ankylosaur, because they have a toy ankylosaur mixed in with the miniatures. The DM and Zurgas sing the Stonecutters song for no reason at all, while Selis attempts to sign Turbis up for either the Beer Club or the Beard Club, whichever. The transcription explodes, as it does multiple times during this evening.

Zurgas: Missing delegation from Redlarch.
DM: No, the delegation’s from Mirabar, you just heard the rumors in Redlarch.
Trench: The Weaboo Delegation is missing.
DM: It was a large, well-armored party and the fact that it has come to grief is newsworthy.

The DM gives them a list of potential leads they’ve heard of on the missing delegation.

Zurgas: “I’m curious about this book.”
Trench: That’s right! Your voice is like—
Zurgas: A slightly faster Sulesdag.
Trench: Sulesdag light. I love it.
Zurgas: I’ve got that mooing quality to it. “I am a minotaur. There are many in this party, but I was born to it.”
Turbis: That’s right, we’re honorable minotaurs.
Zurgas: Honorary minotaurs, not honorable. It goes without saying, if you’re a minotaur you’re of course honorable. Right?
Selis: Sure.
Trench: Less Zurgas, more Sulesdag.

The curiosity shoppe they head to, in search of a mysterious book, is cluttered with doors, barrels, tools, and rotting old furniture around what looks like a private home. The place is named ‘Valivo’s Sundries’.

DM: Edreth Valivo, human commoner, male, is a retired caravan merchant who sells new and used goods. Furniture, lamps, carpets, mirrors, weapons, shields, helms—
Zurgas: Lamp oil… rope…
DM: Almost anything might be available to buy here, buried under a heap of other stuff. Valivo carries a good running inventory in his head, and is the only vendor in town selling blank books and parchment. “I’ve heard of your many—“ Edreth walks up to you. You haven’t seen this man before. He’s a scuttling little man—
Trench: Scuttle, scuttle.
Selis: Scuzzy. What?
DM: One thing you noticed as you came in, though, besides the many wares – you see many children walking in and out.
Trench: Finest children in the land. And wares.
DM: He pays them a penance, but you’ve heard around town, if anyone knows about the delegation, he would.

A sign has been left behind, along with a mysterious warning – a skull Johnsonrced through by a black arrow. Turbis foolishly asks Zurgas about what symbol a minotaur would leave behind, prompting to go on a long rambling explanation that spoils a couple of Perception checks, but people spot a book! It’s written in Dwarvish, which the Belt of Dwarvenkind conveniently allows Zurgas to read. Everyone talks like Sulesdag.

Zurgas: You’re the only non-honorary minotaur around here!
Hospitum: Really?
Zurgas: I’ve got my eye on you.
Hospitum: Time to transform into a minotaur. ‘Oh, you’re respectable now.’
Trench: That’s right, you’re a changeling.
Zurgas: “I’m not sure what to think of this.”

Valivo tells them a black parchment went with the arrow, warning ‘you’ll be next’. Turbis complains about the transcription, the jerk. The book fairly arbitrarily directs them to another town in another chapter.

Hospitum: It’s hentai. Dwarven hentai. “I didn’t know beards could be used like this.”

They elect to investigate the far-closer skull, and arrive there with no real consequence. Zurgas, slowly, bids them fan out and watch for trouble. Just as described, a skull is pinned through an eye socket to a tree.

Turbis: Arrow!
Turbis, Zurgas, and Trench: Black arrow!
DM: The arrow’s point is of a black, painted metal—
Zurgas: Metal… black metal!

Hospitum, still intent on getting respect by being in minotaur shape, steps up to remove the arrow. The ground around him begins to shake!

Trench: Here comes the eye tyrant!
Turbis: Let me get my laser sound effects out…
DM: You are now surrounded as fists burst from the earth.
Trench: Fists? It’s the high-five demons!

Surrounded indeed! They go to the minis to set up a confrontation, and many small zombies and one large zombie erupt from the ground in a circle around the PCs. Initiative erupts! Trench, first to act, turns undead!

Trench: I command them in the name of my god to ‘shut their mouth and go away’!
Hospitum: Oh God, my Wisdom is shit!
DM: Not YOU!
DM and Turbis: You’re not undead!
Hospitum: Oh, I also wasn’t really listening…

The turn washes over the undead, and five of them fail. Hospitum repeatedly attempts to cast Fireball, then finally pronounces the ‘t’ to reveal she is casting Firebolt. Johnson moves forward to punch (with a sword, because that’s advantageous at this level). A couple of the undead run, then one zombie whiffs a slam attack.

DM: The many blows against him have left him disoriented, more so than a normal zombie, and he flails about! But you’re too quick, dodging his uncoordinated… fail?
Zurgas: Uncoordinated fail.
DM: Yes.

Zurgas casts Divine Favor, the transcription fails, and picks back up just after the minotaur takes 13 damage. Trench pops Spiritual Hammer, using it to pummel the ogre zombie – said zombie is also standing in a Moonbeam curious of Selis. The ogre zombie has a lot of health, so the PCs focus on it.

Turbis: Man, someone use Flaming Sphere so I can actually use these minis I bought.
Hospitum: Aww, that sucked. 2 damage.
DM: As the Firebolt strikes him, seems weak, he appears to be toppling over!

The players rejoice at the weakness of the ogre zombie, till it turns out the DM thought she was attacking someone else. Johnson attacks a weak zombie!

DM: Right as his head’s about to fall off, he grabs it, placing it back on his torso, clicking it back into place.
Johnson: All right, I’m going to use Flurry of Blows, because I’m sick of this…

Johnson knocks the zombie down with his first extra attack, then crushes its head with his second. Zurgas swings with his glaive, which briefly becomes a sword till the DM corrects himself.

DM: Does an 18 hit you?
Turbis: Of course it does!
DM: Just checking. The slam attack slips past your guard, wrenching into your side for 2 damage. Looks like he was trying to rip your gut out, but he couldn’t get a good rip.
Zurgas: ‘Tickle tickle!’
Turbis: (goofass laughing)

The Moonbeam blasts both zombies, who fail their save, while in the background a dinosaur carrying a baby strikes an enemy, causing the baby to fly off and start crying like Yoshi’s Island. The group cannot be trusted with miniatures. The ogre wails on Zurgas, then Selis moves the Moonbeam.

Turbis: 14 damage on that one.
DM: Oh, the slash digs deeps, this is going to be the hardest save he ever made!
Zurgas; Difficulty 2!
DM: No, it’s like difficulty 19. It’s the damage he’s taken when he dies, plus 5.
Zurgas: What kind of weapon strike did you do? Slash… AaaaAAAAaah!
DM: What? Are you serious? The deep wound – you cut off his head and almost put the dagger away just to hear the head flop down, but once again, it just seems to tilt over and go, ‘ugh’!
Turbis: I’m just – I’m a bit worried, where did this dagger come from?
Zurgas: (miming a Globetrotter routine with a decapitated head)

The zombie glares at Turbis, who promptly attacks it again and causes it to fail its save. Trench misses his Spiritual Weapon!

Trench: It misses.
Zurgas: You are the most cursed man in 5E.
DM: You know it’s 8, so…
Trench: Oh! Well that hits then.
DM: The AC of this guys is terrible!
Trench: I’m used to – on first level characters, we’d be fighting spiders. If you’re not rolling 15 to attack at first level in 3.5 you’re not hitting anything!
DM: These guys are all about their hit points and able to get out of danger,

Trench kills the zombie with the radiant damage of Sacred Flame, to his immense surprise. Hospitum fires a Firebolt, then Johnson punches!



DM: A good hit! Your fist slams into its chest, breaking a few ribs.
Trench: Does it try to catch its chest and put it back on?
Johnson: 18 to hit for five damage.
DM: The hard kick! You can feel as if the torso seems to be removing itself from the legs. Oh, his torso slips off! But his arms reach for the legs, keeping them in place!
Trench: They’re all undead coyotes with ACME credit cards.

Zurgas stomps over and impales the zombie on his horn to claim the kill as an expression of contempt for all and sundry.

Zurgas: “Hmph. That large one would have been more effective if it were a minotaur zombie. But then again a minotaur wouldn’t have fallen to be raised as a zombie.”
Turnbis: I hope we fight minotaur zombies…

Hospitum, who had gotten marked at some point, blows an Arcana roll to figure out what happened to her. The DM… gets distracted.

DM: What is a ‘tenday’?
Selis: Ten… days?
DM: Why make it that word? Why say ‘four tendays’?
Zurgas: It’s a timekeeping thing.T
Turbis: Trying to be original.

They wrap up their investigations around the tree with no gain, then take a short rest (while questioning how they keep stumbling into deathtrap dead ends). With no other recourse, they return to town to track down a priest – and the DM calls for Perception checks!

Selis: 25.
DM: You hear cats sleeping. Who got less than 25 but more than 15?

They hear rumors – a wagonmaker has had strange new customers!

Trench: Wagonmaker.
Selis: The wainwright?!
Hospitum: Weinerwright, what?
Trench: He’s been wrighting his wains!

Selis threatens to punch Zurgas in the wang, for no apparent reason. The DM grumbles about having to wander through the whole damn book for answers of any sort, They head to the Swinging Sword, the tavern where the priest ought to be – it is an inn with a huge number of chimneys and much flavor text.

DM: Each room boasts a hearth, warm duprees, and tapestries. And running water. These tapestries will not be stolen by any adventurers. It’s noted on the side of the wall.
Trench: That’s okay! We don’t want your damn tapestries.
DM: The inn has become a popular stopover for wayfarer in the valley. The topmost floor is given over to dormitories where travelers can sleep cheap in rooms shared with up to six guests.
Selis and Turbis: Ugh.
DM: But the lower floor is divided into pleasant suites, guest rooms, each with its own… garderobe?
Selis: It’s a water closet.
DM: There’s also a dining room on the ground floor. The Sword has one reoccurring problem – kitchen fires! The kitchen annex in the back of the inn, now out of commission, was built with poorly drawn chimneys. Right now, cooking is rudimentary and done out in the yard.
Turbis: Wait a minute. Didn’t it say it had a ton of chimneys on the roof? That’s kind of weird, a chimney problem.
Zurgas: I’m not sure we should stay here. (crashing through the door) “Greetings, humans!”
Selis and Turbis: (screaming)
DM: The sight of the familiar minotaur…
Zurgas: You forgot, we’re known!
Turbis: I can’t get over it!
Zurgas: Good. Remember that reaction, because when the minotaur empire gets here…
DM: You can see the proprietor of the Swinging Sword behind the bar, one Kaleesa Urkell. She’s a fortyish monarch – matriarch of her family and a pleasant sturdy woman.
Trench: Sturdy? That means a big rack.
DM: She’s increasingly worries about the gathering darkness in Redlarch and brings up her concerns with any lifelike adventurers. You’ve worked with her before. Kaleesa’s staff is uniformly attentive and good at their work. However, two have secret masters.
Zurgas: I don’t think you should be reading us this part…
DM: I know. I read it and I was like, “Damn it, close your mouth.”
Trench: Are the two with secret masters also sturdy?
Turbis: I’m interested in these sturdy women!
Trench: Sturdy means big racks!

The DM rages out at the mention of ‘tenday’, and then he and Zurgas argue over the use of the term ‘score’.

Zurgas: There’s no number that will satisfy you!
DM: Why? Why go out of your way to make a word for a sufficient amount of time when you have two weeks! Twenty days! Why make that work? What’s fifteen days?!
Trench: Do they have weeks in this?
DM: It’s a fortnight! That’s two weeks! Fourteen days!
Zurgas: Well this is a fortnight and a half, almost. Why didn’t they put that in there?
DM: Because they’re smart and they didn’t do that, thank god!
Zurgas: According to you they’re so smart, they wouldn’t have used tendays, so what’s your argument here?
DM: TWENTY DAYS! The number and the time! That’s all you need! Why do two numbers? Why two numbers?!
Trench: Kind of almost but not quite three weeks?
DM: Why not four fivedays?
Zurgas: I could get behind that.
DM: Or ten twodays?
Zurgas: Two and a half eightdays!
Turbis: Ten wholedays.
DM: How about one Plutoday? Twenty three-hundred-sixty-fifths of a Jupiter day!
Trench: This module is doing what Zurgas has been trying to do for years, and completely breaking you.
Zurgas: Let’s see what the DM’s critical DMing fumble is, and the card I pulled is completely accurate. Bleeding Eyes.

The DM takes a moment to read ahead, checking either for plot information or ‘tenday’ mentions. Meanwhile, he complains that after the module pointed them to this priest, the innkeeper is the one who gives them the quest. Apparently there are shenanigans afoot at Lance Rock.

Zurgas: “Look. I don’t mean to offend, but just to be clear. This is not going to be some dead-end where we get sent just to try to kill us… again.”
DM: “No! I’m offering you money!”
Zurgas: “If we we were killed there, you wouldn’t need to pay us. I’m – I’m just saying—“
DM: Roll Investigate or whichever one’s against Bluffing.
Zurgas: That would be Insight, which I have proficiency in, so 21.
DM: You can clearly tell she believes something evil is going on there and she plans to give you the gold when you return.
Zurgas: Okay, can anyone blame me for checking?

Zurgas and the innkeeper spar over rumors of nasty fires from the kitchen, which Selis promises to solve with Create Water. Hospitum has a dream about a skull, apparently, which no one takes seriously in the slightest. A spar over her actual species occurs and whether Zurgas knows she isn’t a minotaur despite being in the shape of one.

Zurgas: I assume she’s a wannabe. And I can respect that, I can’t blame her. Who wouldn’t want to be a minotaur? I mean, all you guys were eager to sign up…
Hospitum: Oh my God.

The DM rages angrily at the module and its nonlinear format, then pitches the suggested ideas to buff up an encounter he likes. Off they head to Lance Rock, failing to get there solely to drive Zurgas mad. Something seems to be following them on their trip.

DM: You approach Lance Rock. It’s a narrow, 25-foot manner of bare grey rock that juts eastward at a 60 degree angle.
Zurgas: “What a strange formation.”
DM: You pull out your protractor to verify this.
Zurgas: “In minotaur school we learned how to use these.”
Trench: (apropos of nothing) Blibdilpoop!
DM: A trail leads to the brush and a neatly painted sign that reads in Common, “Come no closer lest you catch the disfiguring plague that affects me, the Lord of Lance Rock.”
Zurgas: “Hmm. If you all wish me to go forward on my own, I will understand.”
Hospitum: “Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.”
Zurgas: Wow. Y’all just did it, too. That is SOMETHING.
Turbis: I don’t know why I’m dwarven, all of a sudden…
Zurgas: MY BELT!

The narration sweeps them on down into a cave despite Zurgas’s efforts to offer to go down and exploit his disease immunity alone. Heading down, they find a body sprawled on the floor in the distance. Hospitum pokes it with a Mage Hand, causing it to slowly riiiiiise, but apparently this fact gets completely forgotten as they get the description of the cave. An argument erupts over the quality of light, as Hospitum dismisses the need for lighting despite no one else having darkvision. Zurgas, spotting a ledge, goes over to poke at some stuff on that ledge and promptly gets rocks pushed on him for his trouble. Initiative! More zombies! A Chuck Tingle title generator! Trench, first to act, unleashes Sacred Flame on a zombie, followed by Zurgas whacking it.

DM: You hear shifting from behind you.
Trench: Oh no.
Zurgas: I put the cleric and the monk in the back for a reason.
Trench: I wondered.
Zurgas: I’m no fool!

Three zombies lurch up, and one takes a swing at Trench for 4. The other misses Johnson.

DM: Why doesn’t Dr. Pepper make a drink called Dr. Pepper and Mr. Hyde?
Trench: Because they don’t want some shithead to go do something crazy and blame it on Dr. Pepper.
Johnson: Dr. Pepper, makes the world much better!
Trench: See?! Oh… the jingle.

Selis apparently lacks any good cantrips for damage, so she whips out her sling and beans one for 3 points of damage.

DM: You throw one of the rocks they dropped on your comrade back at them. The rock slams into its eye socket.
Zurgas: Good work, Selis, you used your sling to socket to them.
Hospitum: Uuuuugh.

Everyone begins unloading on the zombies. Turbis nearly drops one, but it makes its stay-up save, though Johnson stomps his down. The DM gets sick of confirming hits and proposes to just pass out monster ACs on an index card.

DM: I put it the wrong way. ’28?!’ ‘Oh, whoops.’ (pretending to erase and write) ‘208, there you go.’
Zurgas: ’96!’ ‘Oh, sorry.’ (turning a card upside down) ’96?!’
Turbis: ‘Holy symbol’?

The game briefly goes off in a weird direction as Shredder berates Kraang for getting hit by random adventurers. Along with other weirdness.

Trench: I am called Thunderfoot.
Turbis: He’s got the rickets.
Zurgas: “All right, zombie in front of me, let me introduce you to a friend I call glaive.”
DM: Why couldn’t it be a natural 1…

Zombies begin speaking without proper use of pronouns for no reason whatsoever, and the zombie pummeling continue. Turbis fails to kill with his first hit.

Turbis: I bark out a curse. In Minotaur.
Zurgas: You don’t speak that.
Turbis: I do now.
Zurgas: Even I don’t speak that!

Turbis hacks the zombie into pieces with his second blow, and then since Hospitum has wandered off, Zurgas rolls for her. And crits!

Zurgas: (horrible falsetto) ’17 points of fire damage to the one that’s stabbing Selis, because Zurgas can go fuck himself because I’m Hospitum.’
Turbis and DM: (helpless laughter)
Zurgas: Flawless, isn’t it.
DM: It’s almost like she’s right here. Hospitum’s Firebolt slams into the head of the zombie in the back, causing it to burst into dust. The rest of the body collapses under its own weight. Good job, Hospitum.
Selis: ‘Fuck you, DM.’
Zurgas: Do a pidgey trill for me, please.
Selis: (does just that)
DM: Trench, I don’t know what the fuck’s going on any more…

A zombie amazingly dodges a Sacred Flame, then Zurgas rolls a natural 1 which nearly brings the DM to orgasm. He flings his weapon fifteen feet past the zombie, and the DM makes everyone roll to leave no doubt that they all saw it.

Turbis: “I think you make have missed there.”
Zurgas: “I’m showing my contempt for it.” Ugh, that’s a terrible Deception roll. 8. Oppose with your Insight if you dare.

The battle continues. Selis continues to sling, and deals damage. Zurgas, unhelpfully, generates Chuck Tingle titles.

Zurgas: Lieutenant Owl Needs Massive Dongs. The Bootblack Boxer Desires Nasty Footjobs. Pumped By My Police Officer Pterodactyl.
Turbis: 15 damage.
DM: Wow, he needs to roll a 16 or higher.
Zurgas: Dr. Mummy Needs Sucking. Reamed By Unicorn Triceratops – How can a unicorn triceratops be a thing?!
DM: The zombie collapses to the ground and the field is yours.
Turbis: “The path to your axe is open to you, sir.”
Zurgas: “It’s a glaive, dummy.”
Turbis: “Whatever.”
Zurgas: “Not every weapon is an axe. In the minotaur empire we have more sophistication than that.”

They have two choices of passage – the north or the left, which is also the south. The left path is a thin, jagged passage, so they elect to send Turbis down to scout it – or rather, by the time Zurgas finishes asking him, he’s already gone. Hospitum wanders back.

Zurgas: Good news! You crit a Firebolt hit. Killed a zombie. And you told the DM to fuck himself. And you screwed me over. It was like you were here.
Hospitum: Yeah! You deserve it. Him not so much.
DM: The passage is about ten feet high, in most places with rough, irregular walls. Protruding spurs on the wall are coated in dried blood. As you come through, the passage widens. The star-shaped cavern ahead has many clefts in the walls. Only two across the cavern seem wide enough to traverse. You can just barely make out three zombies as they lurch about the area. One is costumed like a bear, another dressed as a lady in a frilly dress.
Trench: What?
Zurgas: We’re never gonna believe you. You know that, right?
DM: The third is costumed as a jester, with jingling bells on his collar and sleeves.
Turbis: Too many smartasses in the party. I’m just gonna tell them there’s three zombies down there. That’s it! Let them see for themselves.

Zurgas elects to pull a zombie and see if he can lure them down the trail one by one. He pops an arrow into the side of the lady zombie.

DM: The arrow slams into her side. She looks at you, kind of looks at the other two, and then the show begins.
Turbis: Aww crap.
DM: The jester seems to make a hoop appear, and the bear jumps through the hoop.
Zurgas: Aww, damn, we’re missing this.
Hospitum: What the fuck?
Zurgas: We’re NEVER gonna believe you!

The show continues on for a few minutes, but with a roll of some sort, Turbis realizes that the show is all a distraction to cover the distance to him stealthily. This means battle is inevitable, with the façade stripped away – but NEXT TIME.