When the transcriber asked whose game it is, he did not expect the answer to be JOHN CENA! The group delights in picking up their old characters again, having not touched this group for six months or so.

DM: When we last left off, you all had traveled to what seems to be the next destination for our heroes.
Aliarra: The great wall of darkness.
DM: Yes, the great wall of fog. Ever-shifting, but never leaving its destination.
Cissy: How thick is this fog? Could I blow it away with Gust of Wind?
DM: Are you casting Gust of Wind?
Cissy: I am going to cast Gust of Wind.
DM: Well, when last we left off, it was nighttime and everyone was sleeping.
Cissy: Oh. (beat) Then I will wait until I see this fog in the morning.
DM: Back to the last moment was Aliarra and Ignir taking the watch, and from a great distance it seemed like they heard an unearthly howl.
Aiden: (John Cena walk-on)
Aliarra: “Awake! Fear! Fire! Cenas! Awake!”

Aliarra bemoans not playing a Thrallherd, while Cissy chastises him for not sacrificing mooks and Aiden vows to make a campaign where the characters have fallen under a thrallherd’s sway. Ignir and Aliarra rise, weapons at the ready.

Aliarra: “Let’s listen for its approach. Rather, you listen, I’ll stand here looking valiant.”
DM: What’s your Charisma – oh, that’s a pretty good Charisma.
Aliarra: Aliarra has some pretty good stats. I should call her Roy.
DM: Ignir… stuffs his javelins into his ears. I rolled a 1.
Aliarra: He turns and casts a spear into Aiden’s tent, believing him to have betrayed us! Welp, so much for Operation Rely On Ignir.

And yet nothing happens. The characters arise in the morning, making preparations to enter the fog.

DM: One of your mooks runs up. “Baroness!”
Hanzo: (chortling)
Aliarra: At least he said ‘baroness’ and not ‘Justicar’.
DM: “Baroness Justicar.”
Aliarra; Fuck you!
DM: ‘You are purged from my services!’
Aliarra: ‘I’m replacing you with a thrall.’

Aliarra orders her mooks to camp and await the army, to inform them of the party’s actions. The DM calls for a d20 roll from everybody, although the results are not immediately obvious. The transcriber notes that some damn assholes need to chew with their damn mouths shut, damn it.

DM: Cissy and Ignir, you hear what seems to be a distant rumble.
Cissy: “I don’t think that’s my stomach.”
DM: That’s not as bad as it used to be.
Cissy: “I DON’T THINK THAT’S MY—“ (choking)
DM: A few moments later, you all see this – it seems to be a crack in the earth. And you hear a muffled… (muffled talking)
Aliarra: I complete its jaw.
Hanzo: It’s Denelos. Trapped in the earth.

Aliarra’s psion manifest Clairvoyant Sense to check it out from a distance, and immediately spies a dwarf emerging from the crack to complain that they’re too close to the wall. The group heads over to meet this erstwhile allies!

DM: “Bloody hell, you guys are – Oy! Are you the adventuring party that’s supposed to be up here?”
Aliarra: “That we are, friend dwarf.”
Hanzo: “And you’re occupying a hole in the ground that’s not your grave. Die.”
DM: “Aye, Fal—drch!” Pulls himself free of the ground. “Faldoun said ye might be up here.”
Hanzo: Rrrchmm! That’s hilarious!
Aliarra: ‘Might’? I’m almost offended by his implication.

The dwarf explains they’re laying track to supply the army up here. The group faintly remembers this guy from the dwarven kingdom WAAAAAAY back when, who is conveniently bringing their spare rogue to join the party permanently. Aliarra assigns her mooks to help the dwarves set up an encampment as others emerge…

DM: Although one looks a bit odd to you. Grey skin, wearing goggles with slits in them.
Aliarra; “DUERGAR! ATTACK! DRAMATIC MISUNDERSTANDING TIME! “
DM: “Don’t give Thakrim any mind. Not any duergar follow the dark one.”

Aliarra bitterly predicts that with the final battle nigh, they will lose all the parts to make it meaningful. They turn their attention back to the wall of fog. Ehlorra casts Clairvoyant Sense into the fog, but sees only more fog. Aiden hurls light spells into the fog with similar lack of results. Cissy casts Gust of Wind!

Aiden: All the fog’s disappeared!
Aliarra: It’s just a really big naked guy behind there. “Oh…”
Cissy: Bring it back! Bring it back!

The fog, expectedly, refills, and the group tentatively ventures in. Aliarra spends a very, very long time trying to bait Hanzo into saying something that she can play the Old Spice whistle to.

Cissy: I gotta go to the bathroom, I’m gonna pass my character to Hanzo to play in any manner that he sees fit.
Aliarra: Cissy comes out, 4d6 just dropped right in front of her…
Cissy: No, see, I trust Hanzo to not be like, “I pull out a dagger and slit my own throat.”
Hanzo: Which character did we make into Pedobear…
Cissy: She has a relationship with Pedobear when she was younger…

Mrrshala, who has been obstinately trying to derail the game with screaming goats for a full fifteen minutes now, finally succeeds. The group tethers themselves together to not be separated in the fog, as Aliarra summons her donkey out of donkeyspace to get her rope. They rely on Ignir to tie the ropes, since he actually has some skill in that area.

DM: Unfortunately, since he likes Cissy, he doesn’t wrap it around her neck.
Aliarra: Not even for a shiny hay sandwich?
Hanzo: Hay sandwich!
Aliarra: He IS a minotaur.
DM: He adjusts yours a little tighter!
Aliarra: DR 3/-.
DM: Uncomfortable, though.
Aliarra: As a female in the middle ages, I’m accustomed to wearing a corset at times. This is nothing.
DM: You haven’t worn a corset since you were a child.
Aliarra: It’s the principle of the thing.
Aiden: There’s children with corsets?
Hanzo: Why are children…
DM: How old were you when you ran away?
Aliarra: Too young to wear a corset.
DM: You’re not used to wearing corsets, so shut the hell up.

The DM records their marching order, bitterly vowing to make the psion go missing.

Aliarra: We’re still tied up!
DM: So she can’t break my game any further…
Aliarra: We come out, there’s just a sack of straw there for some reason.

They enter into the fog, questioning if they’ve crossed into another plane of existence as they do. Aliarra openly claims that the fog is to delay them from seeing encounters till the DM has rolled them up, while Aiden makes a radio and Hanzo assumes matador and train-suplexing duties. They test the extraplanar thing, determining they are not on a different place – at least OOCly. With a roll, the DM tells them that the fog was put here on purpose by a god, possibly Azbarin. This trip lasts… a surprisingly long time, OOC, and isn’t actually very hilarious – just sidetracky.

DM: Eventually… the fog seems to let up a little bit. To the point when you actually might be able to srat seeing ground.
Aliarra: Two steps forward, “Ach, what’re ye all doin’ back here?”
Hanzo: It would’ve been handy if he had been able to dig under the entire thing…
DM: And eventually it lightens up enough that you can start what looks to be… a path.
Aliarra: I mislike this convenience.
DM: Not cutting through the fog, but seeming to… accentuate it.
Aliarra: I MISLIKE. THIS CONVENIENCE. Still, in absence of any other guidance, I fear we have no chance but to take it.

They continue on, the fog growing darker if not denser around them. The path abruptly ends! Ignir still tells them they’re heading in the right direction, so on they go.

Aliarra: We come out on the other side, having gone around through the wall. “God damn it!”
Aiden: We end up in a Banglasharan shower. “I know how to go through here. Let me lead the way. Been here before…”

Abruptly, they push out of the fog and into darkness. The skies shift and swirl above them – Aiden immediately casts Light before the flavor text is anywhere near close to done. The darkness squelches the light, a surprising turn of events given the difficulty of squelching his light spells thank to the Radiant Servant prestige class. Aliarra has Ehlorra burn for Psionic True Seeing, and after some rules arguments, it turns out that darkvision was enough anyway. Testing with a torch, they find it at half effectiveness.
Aliarra: “This darkness is oddly oppressive. It snuffs magical light and suppresses even natural light. This is very strange and I do not like it.” (beat) “But, what can you do?”
DM: C’est le vie!
Aliarra: What else are we gonna do? “Welp. It’s hard. Let’s give up.”

Eastwards they continue. In the distance, on a rise, they see a large longhouse, which prompts oddly-appropriate Secret of Mana music as they all elect to go check it out.

Celeste: A 17 for Sense Trap.
Aliarra: Search. That’s what Hanzo keeps going too, trying to use the trapfinding ability despite the fact that trapfinding is just a passive ability that goes with your Search checks.
Celeste: Fuck you.
Aliarra: I get no respect around here.
Aiden: Okay, Dangerfield, calm down.
Celeste: 21 for my Search.

Trapless! They unlock the door and Aliarra attempts to kick them open. A natural 20 blasts the obstructions on the other side out of the way and she dramatically steps into the longhouse.

DM: I am gonna sit here and admit completely and utterly, right now, that this thing is pretty much laid out how Jovaskrr is. The Companions’ longhouse.
Hanzo: Also the house in the 80’s cartoon heroes game.
Aliarra: The sectional sofa!

There’s a skeleton at the table! It turns out not to be a deadly lich. They begin exploring the longhouse, torches lifted to look for clues and Search checks a-flying. Including the wrong type of Search checks.

Aiden: Cortana, explain to Aliarra why she sucks.

Celeste and Cissy have to make Spot checks, which they do relatively poorly on. This leads to ability checks and Will saving throws, which they also do poorly on. Slowing results!

DM: From what seemed to be a small pocket of shadows erupts a very large creature, alive with dark tentacles and a thick maw in the middle of it. They lashed out and wrapped around you, grappling you. Now they are constricting!
Cissy: Strength is not my forte!

Initiative! Miniatures! Aiden is angry!

Aiden: That bastard Michael Bay! He said, “Here’s your dreams!” and just wiped his butt on them!
Cissy: Then went to the bank, signed his checks…

Hanzo and Aiden wander off into Spielberg hate, while Celeste is horrified to discover that Hanzo has been married for years now.

Mrrshala: Hanzo and Cissy are married.
Aliarrsa: Er—er-ah-ah—they’re not married to each other.
Cissy: I dunno, Hanzo’s pretty sexy.
Aliarra: Well, no one’s arguing that.
Hanzo: …what happened?

A Formless Spawn from Arkham Horror appears for no reason. Pan rolls incredibly well on initiative, terrifying everyone since normally his rolls hover around 5. The map reveals the tentacle beasts can grapple from an alarming distance away, and to start the combat, one slaps the shit out of Celeste for 28 and forces another Will save. Celeste abruptly discovers she can use Escape Artist to get out of a grapple and frantically rolls, which is just enough to get her free. Celeste can Tumble can avoid its massive reach, but can only move 10 feet to do so, leaving her stuck no matter what she does. Pan hurls a Lightning Bolt.

Pan: It’s a 23 to save.
Aliarra: …that seems high?
Pan: Did I do that wrong?

Aiden realizes he can use his reach gauntlets to cast Freedom of Movement without incurring an AOO from one of the creatures. But this isn’t his real goal.

Aiden: One day, you’ll be like, “But my spiked armor!” Just Bracers of Immunity to Spiked Armor Worn of Females.
Aliarra: Get Cissy, I don’t think Cissy spent extra for the armor spikes.
Cissy: Cissy doesn’t wear armor.
Aliarra: I thought you wore—
DM: You wear mithril full plate!
Cissy: Oh I DO wear mithril full plate!

Aiden’s other desire, to move 100 feet in a single action, leads people to look up fan hedgehogs. Hanzo hits the creatures, although the group is too distracted by the description of ColdSteele the Hedghog and arguing over whether or not Mrrshala actually has a mini on the board. Mrrshala takes a whack of opportunity, though it doesn’t do much, and it does 26 damage and blows a grapple check in return. The battle rages fairly boringly until the psion used Time Hop to skip one of the creatures into the future.

Hanzo: It’s a Kang the Conqueror spell! Did it work?
Aliarra: You can take it off the map.
Aiden: I’ll just put it outside the room. It’s in another timestream. It’s in another timestream where we suck.
DM: Back around, unfortunately that’s the one that’s out of time… yes.

Cissy is free and the creatures wasted a turn, though. Celeste runs like hell!

Hanzo: Do you not want to attack it?
Celeste: N-no, it’s killing me, I want to get away from it.

Hanzo makes with the flurry of attacks, while Pan struggles to get a Storm Bolt in position for several minutes before finding a line of fire. He promptly rolls 12 on 5d6, which is pretty impressively bad but still kills the creature. Hanzo lands another hit, but promptly drops his dice.

Aliarra: I’m buying you a dice tower for Christmas!
Hanzo: If I roll-
Aliarra: He’s rolling on his damn binder, and it rolls off!
Hanzo: If I do this, someone’s mini is going to topple, I’m going to feel like an idiot.

Mrrshala continues to roll so well they dub her theme song to be the Starman invincibility song; she crits the thing hardcore. The creature deals 25 to her, and forces a Will save which she, of course, passes. Aliarra takes 26 after DR and also passes her Will save. Mrrshala, amazing, gets grappled and takes more damage, while Aiden deploys his Bwomp Heal™ to great effect.

Aliarra: I will dump 5 points into Power Attack. I take that back, I will Divine Surge instead and dump 8 points into Power Attack – natural 1. Fuck my life.
Hanzo: Oooooh.
Pan: Game over, man, game over.

The card breaks her weapon, which is so ridiculous in this situation that they pass on it and render her flatfooted instead. She uses Order Forged from Chaos to give some free movement to those nearby. Aiden has to think about this.

Aiden: I’m just trying to have an idea of how far I can be and still be in in range to do Revivify..

Death by exploding frost worm may have made Aiden a bit jumpy about damage spikes. Cissy misinterprets rules to her own advantage, but at least asks about them before implementing.

Hanzo: Activate Sudden Empower! Sudden Magnify! Sudden Suddening!
Cissy: Seriously, I’m not playing this bullshit right now. Energy Admixture with my Scorching Ray so it will be doing acid fire damage. I will also be using Sudden Maximize, and on top of that I will be popping my Vest of the Master Invoker. It’s a ranged touch attack, I rolled a 19 to hit…
Aliarra: So it’s 4d6 acid, 4d6 fire.
Cissy: Actually it’s doubled…
Aliarra: You have to roll to hit with both of them.
Cissy: Uh, 10.
Aliarra: Don’t forget to add you base attack bonus and Dexterity.
Cissy: Oh, I add my Dexterity as well… 13.
DM: No.

Aiden points out that Cissy gets a third ray, but Cissy furiously attempts to pop her Belt of Battle for another casting. She is reined in long enough to roll for the third ray… which she misses, somehow.

Cissy: So. Fuck this. I’m popping my goddamn Belt of Battle.

Cissy hurls another spell to gratuitously overkill the creature, and we do mean gratuitously. She’s downright delighted by the numbers she’s put out.

Aliarra: You know what’s going to happen at the end. (slow-clapping)
Cissy: We get a frickin’ slow clap! And the real boss is gonna come out and be all…
Aliarra: Did nobody take the thirty foot move?! You suck! Why did I use it – oh wait.
Aiden: I did!
DM: As soon as your spells hit, you hear… (JOHN CENA). Aliarra and Mrrshala, you feel chunks of something hit you in the back of the head.
Hanzo: Did she start the fire?
Aliarra: It still alive?
DM: No. It is completely dead. It is obliterated. Chunks of it went flying across the entire hall.
Aliarra: (sulky) I coulda done that too, if I had hit it.

Ehlorra casts Entangling Ectoplasm on the other creature, and Celeste misses it with her crossbow. Pan moves across the room, refusing to expend any spell slots to attack the thing. Hanzo springs across the room with a Jump check and a Mario sound effect, and promptly runs directly afoul of his inability to finish his complete movement in the round. So he’s in midair. The group tortures the poor, miserable transcriber because they are cruel individuals who wish him to suffer eternally for his CRIME of being a transcriber. Mrrshala is grappled and having trouble with that fact. The creature attacks Aliarra and Mrrshala, who roll pretty damn well.

Aiden: 44?!
DM: She’s in a stance that gives her huge bonuses.
Mrrshala: Plus 10.
Aiden: Oh that’s right. Uh, earth?
Aliarra: Fire!
Hanzo: Stone?
Cissy: HEART!

Aiden is up, but he’s not sure what to do, and the group isn’t particularly helpful when it comes to suggestions.

Hanzo: Just wait for Aliarra’s turn and she’ll destroy it.
Aiden: I could throw Fire Seeds, I don’t even know what that does.
DM: Then why did you taaaaaake iiiiiiit….
Aiden: It’s part of a domain. It’s between that and Wind Walk.
Cissy: I just wanna cast Magic Missile.
Aliarra: ‘Ow! Cissy, we’re not in combat any more!’
Aiden: Um… I’m gonna shoot it with my crossbow?
Aliarra: That’s not a bad idea. We’ve got it pretty locked down. Mrrshala and I have been doing an amazing job of not getting hit by it…
Aiden: 21 hit, right?
Aliarra: I don’t think we established that.
DM: Yeah, Mrrshala hit it.
Aiden: (rolling, then collapsing)
Hanzo: Ah, that’s a 1. Way to go. How much damage?
Aiden: 1! IT’S A CROSSBOW! It gets no bonuses!
DM: You nick it with an arrow.
Aiden: It screams out and dies. Why couldn’t that be the deathblow!?
DM: It looks like you’re adding insult to injury to this thing.
Aiden: Aiden’s like, ‘Oh. I know my worth. I heal people.’

Aliarra whacks it with an Elder Mountain Hammer, sending Zod and his loyal followers into orbit (per Hanzo). The group is now free to question what the hell these things are, but Knowledge(arcana) rolls doesn’t come up with too much except that these creatures can do exactly what they were just observed to do.

Aliarra: But do they have any vulnerabilities?
Hanzo: Apparently being hit by 15 Scorching Rays is a striking weakness.
Aliarra: No, there were only 6, they were also acid rays.

Cissy slavers over the idea of casting Twinned Admixtured spells, until reality intervenes in the form of the level modifiers from metamagic. Still, she does enjoy the idea of one really awesome Shocking Grasp. Inexplicably, Aiden becomes a god thanks to his prestige class, to Aliarra’s immense irritation.

Aliarra: “All right, let’s travel together as a group.”
Aiden: WE NEVER -- (gasping)
Hanzo: We never untied ourselves.
Aiden: WE NEVER UNTIED OURSELVES!
Aliarra: It was assumed.
Hanzo: That’s what Ignir was doing the entire time, running back and forth untying us.
Aiden: That would have made the battles so much more interesting!

The group considers their response if they go downstairs and see nothing but writhing shadows. That response is fire, which really seems pretty reasonable. Aliarra goes around trying doors only to discover they’re all jammed, and even her best rolls can’t open them. She angrily predicts it will be a sole bar from the other side, Skyrim style, growing angrier in the process.

Aliarra: It probably isn’t more than 300 pounds. I can just Time Hop it out of existence for a few rounds… but I won’t break the DM’s sequence.
DM: No, go ahead.
Aliarra: It’s just a gratuitous door with crap piled up on the other side…
DM: It’s… well, are you going to do it?
Aliarra: I’m assuming it isn’t actually worth my time to get through that door. I’m not running a Metroid game here.
Aiden: Mental DM is going, “Whew!” right now. On the other side of that door is End of Campaign.
Aliarra: Oh now, I found a weapon upgrade: the Wave Glaive.
Hanzo: Extraplanar cat thing…

The time is late, however, and so the group must rest for the evening. Next time, shadow and darkness!