Whose game is it?

Krixix: The story of Krixix!
DM: God, every time! 50 experience to whoever slaps him.
Krixix: But there is no experience in this g—oww!

Last time, the group had joined a caravan! The DM reminds them that they would be quickly entering the Fields of the Dead, a hostile terrain which could be the worst part of the trip. And then everyone has to roll Charisma checks!

Maldrake: I remain impeccably handsome. I Legolas this shit. Mud just cascades off me.
DM: That IS pretty awesome.
Lualyrr: It’s the bard and the paladin doing it together, and they’re shining gleaming man-gods. Well, HE’S a man-god…
DM: So your journey begins. As I’ve said, there are about 12 wagons going here, and numerous people. Not just the merchants but travelers, other guards, teamsters, a variety of people.
Maldrake: The only good teamster is a dead teamster.
Thalynmar: Damn!
DM: Fellow dwarves number among them. A halfling or two is surely out there. Elves… Primarily human of course. One woman who’s completely green.
Lualyrr: Half-orc!
DM: No.
Thalynmar: Just green. 
DM: Blatantly green.
Lualyrr: Wild mage!
Maldrake: Emo kid!
DM: Lai, the familiar merchant who’s very fond of talking about his money, quickly grows on your nerves! Particularly Thalynmar and Eben, as you are unable to escape his constant mutterings about how rich he’s going to be. He seems willing to explain to everyone who comes near. How much he’s going to make, how he’s going to spend it, how everyone is going to envy him for it…
Thalynmar: I’ma take a negative on my Perception check.

Lualyrr composes an amusing anecdote about him to circulate around the caravan, but her own employer keeps trying to start arguments with her!

DM: He makes a habit of stomping up to you, expressing a controversial or incendiary opinion, and then staring at you as if waiting for your response.
Thalynmar: Automatic response should be now, “I concur.”
Lualyrr: Yeah.
DM: Every time you agree with him he gets furious and stomps off, only to try again later in the day.
Lualyrr: And I’m just like, “Yeah, I can see your point of view!”

They enter into the Fields of the Dead, and the caravan falls into a grim, somber attitude (except for Maldrake’s sousaphone). Krixix spies a gentleman stomping around the camp who is well over seven feet tall.

Krixix: “Hi!” Wait, do I just watch him, or…
DM: You’ve noticed him, and as you get closer you realize yeah, he’s huge. Clearly the tallest man you’ve ever seen. You’re not the only one who’s noticed this; glances follow him wherever he goes.
Krixix: “My, you’re a tall one!”
Maldrake: You have not nearly played World of Warcraft enough to say that.
Krixix: I’ve played plenty.
DM: You speak this. He looks down at you, lifted an eyebrow slightly, and then nods.”
Krixix: “Soooooo, I’m Krixix.”
DM: “Sulesdeg.”
Krixix: “It’s a pleasure to meet you. Are you on guard duty as well?”
DM: “Yes.”
Krixix: “Excellent, who are you guarding.”
DM: “I guard the one you call Neirheit. He transports silk.”
Krixix: “Where do you come from? They sure grow ‘em big there!”
DM: “Shar.”
Thalynmar: I thought he was gonna say, ‘Shut up’.
DM: “I am large for there too.”
Maldrake: He should be like, ‘I am small for there. I am the smallest of my kin.’
Lualyrr: Be like, ‘you ARE large, everywhere, aren’t you?’
Krixix: My character’s not gay. “Would you be up for a game of dice?”
DM: “Perhaps later.”
Krixix: “Well I’ll hold you to that, possible future friend!”
Thalynmar: (shuddering in horror)

Krixix’s suggestion of dice attracts a gnome, who challenges him to dice when they get out of the fields. Ratacear and Krixix immediately get along way too well.

Maldrake: Wow, they’re just douching out.
Thalynmar: It’s a classic douche-off!
Krixix: “So which caravan are you rolling with?”
DM: “I’m just a traveler.”
Krixix: “Ah! Whatcha headin’ north for, friend?”
DM: “I have my purposes.”
Krixix: “Ah, don’t we all!”
Thalynmar: ‘So what’s yours?’
DM: “Tell me,” he says, putting a knife to the gnome’s throat.
Krixix: I DO have Intimidation…

Krixix fails to shake any information out of the gnome, but the gnome at least has a word of advice for him.

DM: “Avoid the man named Algor. He’s quite unpleasant. And isn’t willing to gamble.”
Krixix: “What’s he look like, so I know to stay away?”
DM: “If sleaze had a picture, it would look like him.”
Krixix: “Ah, like my Uncle Johnson.”

Krixix continues to try to shake information out of the gnome, bitterly noting the DM gives only one-word answers when he’s trying to interact. The DM snorts and tells him he’s lucky to have gotten that much. The caravan travels on, and the wind and the rain pick up as they plod on through the Paths of the Dead. The players anticipate the worst – stuck caravans, teamster strikes… But they do hear a cry to halt from the front of the caravan!

DM: One of the guards, a dwarf, has come down from the front with a scowl upon her face. “Ach, there’s some fight ahead. Best not to get involved out here in the Fields of the Dead, ‘tis not safe.”
Eben: A female dwarf?
DM: Aye.
Eben: With a scallop on her face?

Everyone gets a good laugh at this except the fuming DM.

Krixix: “Who’s fighting?”
DM: “Ach, looks like some hobgoblins have pinned down a wagon.”
Krixix: “One of the wagons in our caravan?”
DM: “No, no, other travelers, certainly. Some freight wagon, cannae tell much from here.”
Krixix: “Normally I don’t care, but I guess we should try to help them.”
DM: “Nay. Not advised. The hobgoblins out here are rough sorts. Vicious. If we lost someone it would be to our detriment, but there’s always more of those stinkin’ hobgobbos. You see that sort of thing all the time when ya come down here. Happens. I’ve traveled these roads many a mile, many a time. Ye cannae interfere, as much as ya might want to. Your heart bleeds, but they knew the risks when they came out here.”
Krixix: “I was gonna say, I kinda believe in karma. I figure if we help them, next time we need help, they’ll come to our aid.”
DM: “If ye want to risk yer life on a fool venture, ‘tis yer own prerogative.”
Thalynmar: “Seems a shame to not help someone in need.”
DM: “I won’t stop ya but I won’t exactly weep at yer funerals neither.”

The dwarf tells them the caravan is up on a rise, and the hobgoblins are waiting till dark to use their darkvision to attack without losses. Krixix zooms off in Stealth to go see what’s afoot. He spots numerous hobgoblins, 12 to be precise, who are watching a disabled freight wagon in the middle of the road. The characters ponder getting a surprise attack on this group, thanks to their positioning on a ridge. The DM starts setting up the map as the players pull minis.

DM: First of all, everyone give me a move silently roll.
Thalynmar: Disadvantage. (rolling) HA HA! Look at that!
Maldrake: (also with disadvantage, also rolling) Wow. How does that happen? Double nat 20.
Thalynmar: Aw man, he’s showing me up! I got double 19s!
Lualyrr: Nat 20!
Vivianne: 19.
Eben: One of us is going to fuck it up!
Krixix: Ugh, Stealth? 15?
Maldrake: That guy, the person who rolled well, actually has the skill.
Eben: 11.
Raven: 15 on the fighter.
DM: …All right, then I want you to give me initiative.
Lualyrr: I got a natural 1 on my initiative.
DM: WHAT?!
Raven: Natural 1 on my initiative!

The DM assembles their initiative roll, and then Vivianne is the first to act. She casts Bless on the melee fighters, and then Krixix fires his bow into a hobgoblin to claim his assassin-sneak attack-autocrit.

Maldrake: If you stand near me, I can protect you from at least one attack.
Eben: Well, I no longer fear death…
DM: Whatcha castin’?
Eben: SHATTER!
Lualyrr: Well, there goes my shtick…

Eben proceeds to roll near max damage, inspiring the DM to openly curse.

DM: All right, take off every hobgoblin he hit. That was enough to one-shot all of them even on a save. This is a surprise round, they don’t get to act, so it goes around to Lualyrr.
Thalynmar: The la-lee-loo-lay-lyrr?
Lualyrr: I’m gonna move up and do the exact same thing he did.
DM: Ha ha, I suggest hitting a more relevant group. I can’t believe none of you failed a Stealth check!
Thalynmar: That was weird…

Thalynmar misses with a spear, and the spear bounces off a hobgoblin’s armor.

DM: Rolling… rolling… rolls under the wagon, you hear a scream of pain as someone is stabbed with it. Your alignment drops. To evil. For no reason.
Thalynmar: That’s – that’s quite a shift…

Raven moves up to stand with Maldrake, but a really long diversion on the rules for ranged weapons suddenly reveals that Thalynmar had killed his foe a long time ago.

Krixix: Do they still have cover?
Maldrake: A little cover from these two. And us.
DM: From where you are… Yeah, you’re firing through your entire team.

Krixix rolls terribly and misses one of the leaders and then Maldrake fires his own weapon, or breathes – he never says.

DM: This would be so different if you guys hadn’t succeeded on stealth. That’s a hit. Weakened by shatter.
Eben: Consider this karma to make up for the late start. Something went their way!
Krixix: Guess what the DM’s putting back in the game. Those four assassins!
Eben: That’s what’s under the wagon!

The Hoard of the Dragon Queen module, as an artifact of its simultaneous development with the 5E rules proper, includes an absurd encounter in this chapter – four assassins, who are CR 8. The DM had told the players about this and let them know he removed that encounter. Eben misses!

DM: “Kill them! Kill them for the glory of Muragabalt!”
Eben: “Who?”
DM: “I AM MURAGABALT THE HEALTHY!”
Eben: I’m not writing down your name, you’re gonna die.

The hobgoblins move forward to attack Maldrake, and he takes 5 damage, then 12 points! Maldrake complains a lot.

Maldrake: The armor I got was completely pointless.
DM: And the third one strikes at you! His blow glances off your armor, fucker!
Maldrake: No no, say he hits, like he did, rolled another 19—
DM: He rolled a 5!
Krixix: We wiped out the entire party and this is the first damage we’ve taken.

A captain fires into Eben, dealing – no damage, because Raven belatedly uses his shield ability yet again. A second one misses.

Eben: Let’s just miss until we wipe.
DM: You’ve killed enough of the Hive, now the Knight is out, so wipe to get more Hive kills…

Thalynmar misses, and Lualyrr attempts to shoot Thalynmar for some reason. Then aims at the healthy guy instead, dealing 9 damage. Raven promptly blows his attack roll.

Thalynmar: Bleed to death immediately. Oh man.
Maldrake: Armor Smash, your attack deals damage to your armor.

Vivianne takes out another one with a spell, then Krixix puts a bolt into a chief.

DM: “Rrrgh, my shoulder! The universal symbol that I’ve been hit but not in a fatal way!”
Maldrake: One game I’ll have a guy who has a thousand hit points constantly get hit in the shoulder…

Eben annihilates Muragabalt the Healthy, to the obvious jokes, and then the final hobgoblin tries to run. Maldrake gets his AOO!

Eben: Noble paladin, strike him down as he runs!
DM: He IS the law!
Eben: I forgot he was the cold-blooded one.
Maldrake: I’m the vengeance one!
DM: Vengeance above all is one of his tenets! Fuck some shit up is his motto!

Naturally, this kills the hobgoblin – ‘weakened by Shatter’ is the group’s battle cry at this point.

DM: The hobgoblin captain stares at you. He sees you’ve just cut down one of his men. He knows you won’t allow him to retreat, you will stab him in the back. And yet, he knows he cannot flee, but he cannot win. “Send forth your finest warrior! I will duel them!”
Eben: We’ve fallen for this one before!
DM: “Allow me to live if I succeed! If you fail then YOU’LL retreat!”
Krixix: Thalynmar!
Thalynmar: Well I would, but my rolling is SHIT tonight! I’m willing to try…

The players envision a Shadow of Mordor scenario in which he defeats Thalynmar and gains a promotion in the army. The captain is up first, and attacks Thalynmar but misses! A lot! They both miss a lot, till Thalynmar finally manages to land a blow.

DM: He takes a knee – but it’s a deception!
Krixix: I fire my bow! I was watching for this!
DM: He’s – not like – he’s like – what are you – If you’re going to interfere, you can go ahead.
Krixix: Thalynmar will never forgive me.
Maldrake: I like the way Thalynmar fell for the deception. ‘He’s wounded, I’m going to put my guard COMPLETELY down! Push my chest forward!’
DM: Would you like it better if I called it a feint?
Maldrake: Yes!

The captain tries to shove Thalynmar, and then everyone remembers they haven’t been rolling for Bless this whole damn time. The shove fails, and so does his second attack, Thalynmar… botches.

Maldrake: Better To Give. Your attack damages you instead, use your target’s Strength modifier.
DM: His modifier is a +2.
Thalynmar: 8 damage then.
DM: You thrust it forward, but he catches it on his gauntlet and shoves it back. The blade takes you in the face!
Vivianne: That’s gonna leave a mark.
DM: Blindly swinging, he hails blows down on you, but you duck one and take the other on your armor. Blood streams down from the vertical wound, soaking your beard and getting in your mouth.
Thalynmar: How much did he do?
DM: Nothing, you dodged one and took the other on your armor.
Thalynmar: The blood thing confused me.
DM: That was from your own hit.
Thalynmar: I’m doing more damage to me than he is!

Thalynmar doesn’t botch, and he hammers his axe home. The captain gasps a few last words about his legacy as he dies, leaving Thalynmar to be amused at how he hurt himself more than his foe did. The PCs loot the bodies, finding some magic items on the captains – including a large jug, which Eben immediately plays like an instrument. Vivianne finally goes off to check on the disabled wagon!

DM: Having watched this furious battle, the people from beneath the wagon are finally starting to crawl out – three battered guards, who then turn and help out a grizzled old man.
Maldrake: Do we need to put them on the field?
DM: No, they’re not attacking. Believe it or not.
Eben: ASSASSINS! ASSASSINS!
DM: “Thank you… kind heroes.”
Lualyrr: “Are you all right?”
DM: “I fear I’ve taken a wound… one of their bows caught me.”
Maldrake: Three healers attack him!
DM: He’s torn to shreds, Jesus!

The man offers to reward them, turning Krixix’s eyes into dollar signs, and they pull a chest out of the wagon for the group. They gain a lot of money and a potion!

Maldrake: Don’t make it into gold, it’s gonna stay in copper form in our pockets, it’s not like there’s a moneychanger nearby.
DM: As you speak these words, a booth crawls up, like Baba Yaga’s hut. “MONEY CHANGED!”
Thalynmar: And then next to it. “Boxes here! Getcha boxes!”

The NPC also offers them each a goblet with the von Kisrian crest, vowing his house’s debt to them.

Maldrake: So this is our spider power?
DM: Yes. Just produce the goblet and the noble will show up and help you.
Maldrake: I like the idea of us fighting the brutalest enemy, and us going, “Man, if only we had helped somebody who would aid us!” and he’s waiting, “Man, I hope those heroes, I could aid them soon.” He has a whole army.

After a weird diversion with the entire final battle, the group returns to the acclaim of the caravan and weird horses with box bodies. Krixix tries to get the wagon master who has potions to identify what he got.

DM: Let’s see here… ‘if they talk to this guy he knifes them.’ Huh? How did I miss – well, sorry guys, he was 4 8th level assassins.
Thalynmar: That’s how powerful they got, they could squeeze into one spot.
Maldrake: They’re four halflings standing on top of each other, all assassins.
Thalynmar: “Man, that guy has a VERY long torso.”
DM: It’s a dwarf, two halfings, and a gamey arm because they couldn’t find another one to be his second arm…

Thalynmar’s employer yells angrily at him for trying to kill himself, and then the DM determines what everyone had suspected – there IS no potion guy. Still, items are easy to identify in 5E; they sip the potion and find it to be Stone Giant Strength, and the other one is an Elixir of Health. Krixix asks Thalynmar to identify the metal jug.

Thalynmar: “Let me see.”
DM: Give me an Intelligence roll.
Thalynmar: (blows on it)
DM: With a -5 penalty.
Thalynmar: Intelligence isn’t going to work well for – that’s a pretty good roll. Why do I roll well on the shit I shouldn’t roll well on?! With a -1 it’s 16.
DM: Mithril.

Immense silence.

Thalynmar: “Yeah. That’s the good stuff there.”
DM: You see him get a very distinct Monterey Jack look in his eyes. (coughing)
Thalynmar: Wuh-oh, wrong pipe.
DM: Yeah. Damn lungs, you’re not involved in this!

After a long rest, they identify the remaining items. A periapt of health and a jug of literacy! …wait, what? A Decanter of Endless Water! Strangely, it has four command words.

Krixix: The fourth word is Jesus, and it turns the water to wine!
Maldrake: “Drown the Planet.” It doesn’t stop.
DM: During the course of the night, the rain broke up and the clouds drifted away and you found that this glowed in the moonlight. Dim light. Odd little quirk. Do you care to test it?
Thalynmar: …Sure.
DM: What command word do you speak?
Thalynmar: Let us go for the compass one first, the safe one.
Krixix: Geyser! Go for the geyser!
Thalynmar: Shut up, conscience!
DM: You speak the command word, and a thunderous boom emerges from the jug, sounds like a steam explosion, as you immediately know which direction north is. A puff of steam trickles from the jug in that direction. Immediately guards are pouring out of the wagons, merchants coming up, slamming their doors shut, the gargoyle on the back of the wagon lunges up into a menacing posture… You’re surrounded! After a moment, the tumult fades, as everyone sees you just staring at that thing. “What was that?”
Thalynmar: “I DON’T KNOW!”

Vivianne tries to leverage their accomplishment with the cultists to open them up, and Krixix passes her a dragon-scabbard to aid her path! A teamster offers to pay them extra to refill the caravan’s water supply routinely, which they find reasonable.

Maldrake: “Fountain.” BABOOM! “Water is pouring out!”
DM: She cracks open a keg that sits on back of one of the wagons.
Thalynmar: “Um… fountain?”
DM: KABOOM! Another steam explosion rocks outward, shaking the wagon!
Krixix: “Thalynmar, can I recommend we not do this during the nighttime?”
Maldrake: What retarded modifier was that? “The full moon makes it make loud sounds!”
DM: Oh no, it’s not just the full moon.

Since the game started late, they take this chance to make a stopping point.

Maldrake: We didn’t get a level?!
DM: No! That was not the entire chapter! You’ve got a lot more!
Krixix: I was hoping the whole caravan ride was going to be the chapter.
DM: Yes, the whole caravan ride is going to be the chapter.
Krixix: Oh, apparently there’s a lot more to the caravan.
DM: You’ve got two and a half months to get up to Waterdeep! You’re not getting off with one hobgoblin battle five days out!
Maldrake: I’m expecting some inner battles, I’m expecting one merchant to go up against another merchant, and we have to go up against each other!

Is Maldrake right? Find out… next time!