The group merrily deploys the 80’s heroes game, in all its glory. It immediately gets weird.

Krenalket: (Ahnuld accent) I am Pudding, son of Flan.
Karmus: My phone doesn’t think ‘ya’ exists. It autocorrects it to ‘yahoo’.
Krenalket: Yeah, Karmus kept telling me ‘we can do stuff when yahoo get done’. I’m like, ‘huh’.
Karmus: God damn it!
Pol: Hey DM, if I’m a ranger, can I have a bear?

The game holds as Bellrill ponders his options for throwing weapons… and more so, because Pol has lost his character sheet for something like the third time and is making a new one.

Bellrill: What I eventually I’ll be able to do is hold two of the bombs and throw them like this. But I only have 10 bombs.
DM: And you’re a half-orc. Start calling you Green Goblin.
Bellill: But I’ll run out of bombs, so I’ll have to use javelins or light hammers.
Krenalket: Can’t you craft your own bombs?
Bellrill: When I use the bomb ability, I craft them. I make them when I use them. If I don’t use them, they become inert.
Krenalket: Let me rephrase – use a downtime action to craft some alchemist’s fire, half cost.
Bellrill: But it still takes, like, 2 days.
Krenalket: How long’s it been, DM?
DM: Since…. y’all got back, maybe half a day?
Bellrill: We don’t have a lot of downtime, we just jump between adventures.
Karmus: Be like, ‘fuck you gods! We’re chilling out for a bit!”
DM: You just capered about in the arena for their amusement, they’ll probably give you a couple of days off.

Garl Glittergold is renamed ‘Garlic’. Karmus’s motto becomes ‘duh’. Roleplaying, folks! Hardcore, intense, and character-driven!

DM: Before you even get settled into your quarters, through the great double doors of your foyer… strolls none other thank Loki himself. Who you might remember was sponsoring your opponents in the arena.
Krenalket: “Uh-oh,”
Bellrill: ‘You have foiled me for the last time!’
Karmus: ‘I’m here to collect, or I’ll break your kneecaps!’
DM: Yes, he’s here to be captured, then he’s actually going to pwn all of you from inside his cell. Yeah, I had him do the slow-clap, and Bellrill didn’t realize he was doing the slow clap. He looks a lot of you over, including whichever person Pol is playing.
Krenalket: He’s right in the middle of the character select.
DM: So your face is getting larger, and you’re shrinking… Halfling, half-orc, elf, dwarf…. Human. Dragonborn.
Krenalket: Gnome!
Peregrinus: One gnome is enough.

Bellrill discovers that crafting time is much higher than anticipated, while Kratin bemoans the uselessness of the bardic song that fascinates. This leads to the DM bitterly condemning the 3.5 rules, while Kratin and David compare bardic progressions and party roles.

David: If I got climb I could play Perform, probably make some money off of that.
Krenalket: Well, Loki’s here, save it for later.
Karmus: “Oh hey, Loki!” Dingadingadingadinga… Put the hat on the floor.
Kratin: I’m doing my Diplomacy check just to greet him with a flourish.
Bellrill: It’s LOKI. The God of Tricks.
DM: Who you’ve just publicly shamed.
Kratin: I just rolled a 24.
Krenalket:A 13 on my untrained Hide check to dive behind the sectional sofa.
DM: Wait, what?
Bellrill: We have a sexual sofa?
Krenalket: …if you want to.
Karmus: Sectional. Sectional.
DM: You successfully dive behind it, and immediately regret doing so.
Krenalket: Not compared to facing Loki, I don’t.
DM: It’s probably better than spending a night in Sargassas’s tentacle dungeon.

Kratin and Loki banter in increasingly sensual tones of voice. Bellrill quickly reaches his limit.

Bellrill: SCROLL OF SILENCE!
Krenalket: It doesn’t work if you just throw it on the floor!
Bellrill: That’s how it works for alchemists. I have ‘custom casting method’.
Karmus: “We mopped the floor with yer lads there.”
DM: “Yess, about that!”

Someone makes a weird popping noise. The DM is confused and giggly.

DM: Which one of you made that noise.
Bellrill: The sexual sofa.
Karmus: Let me see, where is the – that’s the library, that’s nowhere near where we are! He heard him upstairs and was like, “oh shit”!
Krenalket: Why would we have a sectional sofa in the foyer?!

The PCs grimly admit that they embarrassed Loki and will be enduring withering mischief. Kratin attempts to roll Escape Artist, despite people pointing out that this isn’t the purpose of the skill.

Kratin: I rolled a 1. I tied myself up!
Krenalket: “I shouldn’t have thrown the noose over the rafter for stability!”
Karmus: ‘That’s a very elaborate way to kill yourself.’
DM: “Is Krenalket all right…? I know that’s kind of strange coming from me.”
Bellrill: “Ah, he does that.”
Krenalket: “Discretion is the better part of valor, Your Mercifulness!”
DM: “Make sense, little one.”
Krenalket: “Don’t kill us, please.”
Bellrill: Aren’t we already dead?!
Kratin: He’s kind of a god, he could kill us again.
Bellrill: But where would we GO?~
Krenalket: I don’t want to find out!

Loki attempts to imply he may know how to kill them, though Karmus isn’t buying it. Krenalket rolls a Bluff to make his emergence from beneath the table he actually hid under look proud.

Karmus: As pee trickles down your leg…
Kratin: You stand tall, as a wet spot forms in your crotch!
DM: “Ah, there he is. A big hand for Krenalket, everyone.”

The group applauds, and then on to business! Loki is pacified with an offer of Energon goodies and the Universal Greeting,. The group realizes that their adventuring party is also a sausage party.

Krenalket: “All right, gentlemen! On three, we sproing! One… two…”
All: (boner onomotpeia)
Krenalket: Everybody had their own sound effect, that’s great.
DM: Loki accommodates with a humungous, illusory…
Karmus: Phallus.

Loki reveals that a priest-turned-vicar from an old adventure has been abducted by acolytes of the temple of Fear? Tyr? I can’t tell. The leader of these acolytes has a marvelous staff. (Immature snickering ensues,) Bring him the staff, he rewards them. They try to figure out the catch, because duh, it’s Loki…

Karmus: ”Have you ever had a reasonable transaction in yer life?”
Bellrill: “Probably one time he bought some bread from a baker. That was probably a reasonable transaction.”
Kratin: “But he probably killed the baker after he bought it!”
Bellrill: “I think that would be a separate transaction.”

The players huddle to privately discuss their options, sending Loki away on a tour of their house for at least the pretense of him not listening in. They are perfectly aware this is futile.

Karmus: “But it’s Loki, there’s somethin’ behind it!”
Krenalket: “Oh, of course there is!”
Kratin: “I’d like to know more about this staff.”
Krenalket: “I wouldn’t be surprised if this were a mission intended to humiliate us, possibly far beyond our reach.”
Karmus: “Well fine, we’ll just do it great!”

The DM continues to claim they can turn Loki down. The players continue to ignore him, turning the conversation back to their priest friend.

Bellrill: How did he become vicar in a DAY?
Krenalket: He was the only one LEFT!
Kratin: We live in the Hyperbolic Time Chamber.
Bellrill: But it takes the time to go down there and talk about it—
Krenalket: Heironeous was RIGHT THERE at the time. I’m pretty sure he gave him his implicit blessing.
DM: Maybe gave him a big headdress with Intelligence +4 on it, and all of a sudden he was able to do his job better.

The group wearily accepts that if Loki is going to play them in some way, they have no way to stop him, so they had best put on their best game faces and try to come out of this looking competent and straightforward. The DM makes it clear that the staff is a secondary objective, and rescuing the vicar is the primary one. The conversation gets really weird.

Krenalket: Nothing says ‘quality’ like discount whores.

Discovering the old bingo board, the group realizes that they actually don’t do a lot of those things any more. (Hitler jokes, of course, are eternal.

Krenalket: We just crossed our seventh anniversary.
Bellrill: Seven years of D&D. Seven years of reaffirming our ability to be nerds.
Krenalket: I think that’s a positive thing.
DM: I think we do it better than most.
David: Seven years ago we didn’t have THESE kind of ponies.
DM: Oh no. You know, we were fine without them, seven years ago…
Bellrill: And we’re not DRINKING?
DM: (ignoring the singing of Brave Sir Robin that erupts) Before he leaves, he offers to see you off when you’re ready to go.

Beneath the sounds of someone chewing obnoxiously loudly, Loki cheerfully crams the PCs down a literal rabbit hole. It gets all Stargatey, then all 2001y.

Kratin: Loki stares at you. “I didn’t mean for them to jump in…”
DM: Out comes Bellrill. Out comes Karmus. And then Kratin and all the rest. They’re all on top of you now, Bellrill.
Bellrill: That’s okay. That’s how my character dies. I took a sneak peek at the All-Father, that’s the only way my character dies. If in that order the party members were to crash on me and flatten me after going through a portal. That’s how I die. You guys killed me. It has to be in that specific order.
DM: You find yourself surrounded by… tundra.
Karmus: Tundra?!
Krenalket: TUNDRACATS!
Krenalket and Bellrill: HOOOOOOOO!
Karmus: …I’m sorry. (a pause) SIGHT BEYOND SIGHT!

It’s cold in this tundra! Only Krenalket acknowledges the fact, as Karmus specifically brushes it off with an excuse of high Con. Loki is not present, but they all know he’s laughing anyway. Advancing forward, they find a cliff ahead of them; Karmus goes to peer over it.

DM: You see beneath you, looking starkly strange in the surrounding landscape, a well-built and –adorned temple. You’re not familiar with the architectural style, but to your dwarf eyes it appears to be of stout and sturdy quality. There are lights coming from the ground, a couple of lights at this distance do appear to be moving, most likely someone carrying a torch or something. If you climb down it would be a walk of roughly a hundred yards.

The players assess their cover options (few) and their options for getting down (rope).

Bellrill: Fucking Chrono Trigger, holding on to a million balloons and one-arming it with a bitch.
Krenalket: Well, with his Strength score, it’s not unrealistic.
DM: You’re a Square good guy, you can carry a ton with just your outstretched arm. The skinnier you are, the strong you are.
Krenalket: He was hyped up on Rainbow Shell power.

No one has ranks in Climb, but the descent promises bouncing rather than a straight plummet. Karmus jams a grappling hook into the stone of the cliff, promising eternal loss of the hook in the process. Down they head, with much more ado than the process is really worth. Someone is clearly patrolling, to judge by the movement of a flickering light on the outside.

Kratin: I’ll sneak in.
Karmus: He’s a 1 bard 3 rogue.
Kratin: I’m going rogue because David is a bard.
Bellrill: He’s going rogue! He’s turning on us!
Krenalket: “Just klonk ‘em over the head with your mighty sap! I assume you have that.:”
Kratin: “No.”
Krenalket: “Then klonk ‘em over the head with your mighty mace.”

Kratin sneaks on up, which of course demands Metal Gear jokes for days. His scrutiny determines that there are two entrances, and a patrol goes from one to the other. The DM calls for more stealth rolls as Kratin advances!

David: Are you gonna have infinite rolls before you get there?
Krenalket: This isn’t Zeno’s Paradox.

Kratin can only tell that the robed figure running patrol is male, but a ridiculous roll also tells him that the hands holding the torch has switched. Most likely it’s multiple people!

Kratin: I gotta invest in a spyglass.
Krenalket: 1000 gold.
DM: That’s why no one has one. By the time you can afford one you have a wizard who can cast a spell that means you no longer need it.
Kratin: …Wizard!
Krenalket: Would you like Wall of Smoke? I’m a conjuror!
Karmus: No, you’re a gnome. Illusionist.
Kratin: How long does it take for when one guard goes into a door, how much time is it until another one comes out?
DM: Not having a waterclock on your wrist—
Kratin: I count.
Krenalket: “One, water water, two, water water…”
DM: Close to a minute.
Karmus: Meanwhile, back at the group… “Ach. It’s water, why isn’t he back yet?”

Kratin returns to inform the others of what he has discovered. Krenalket demands they solve this problem by getting warm. The group ponders plans for a minute, mostly ineffectually.

Kratin: “Might I suggest one of us can sneak in and see what the inside looks like? Maybe we can figure out where Heironeous is hiding.”
Krenalket: “Yes, while the rest of us DIE.”
Karmus: “Let us concern about getting’ inside first, so this guy can stop whining.”
Krenalket: “That’s all well and good for you to talk, with your lower mass-to-surface ratio. Some of us are mostly skin!”

The PCs cheerfully attempt to kill Krenalket with mushrooms and mushroom jerky, while Kratin bemoans his lack of a sap. Krenalket punishes them all with sap puns of poor quality at best. The conversation gets really distracted. Kratin attempts to move up to one of the doors, the better to intercept a guard.

Karmus: You need to get some poisons, too.
Kratin: I know. There’s all sorts of stuff I gotta do. The only thing I got going for me is I have a whip, to trip people.
Karmus: You weren’t here when Drusila was around with the whip.
DM: She had to drop it a lot…

The next guard wanders out in absolutely perfect position, and Kratin lunges in to deal a sneak attack!

DM: Welp. You plunge the short sword into the sweet spot where the kidneys should be, beneath the robes.
Krenalket: They are not there.
Kratin: I don’t like this ‘should be’, he’s undead.
Karmus: Yeah, holding the torch. “Uhhhhhh….’
Krenalket: It turns out it was actually two kids standing on each other’s shoulders.
DM: Huey and Dewey fall to the ground.
Krenalket: “Oh no!” “Unca Scrooge is gonna be—“ “—really mad!”
Karmus: Or plunge it straight into the neck of the child on the bottom. “Oh no, my legs!”
Krenalket: I heard the perfect phrase to describe you, Kratin. Your dump stat is your alignment.
Kratin: Hey, I’m neutral neutral—
Krenalket: No, YOU! YOU!
Kratin: Me as a player? Yeah.

The guard shoves Kratin off and turns to draw his sword. Dropping his torch, he produces…

DM: Oh jeez.
Kratin: …he produces?
Krenalket: Poor-quality Broadway theater.
Karmus: Two greataxes.
DM: Two staves which he latches together, and now brandishes a glaive at you.

The guard misses Kratin, and Kratin promptly crits his ass. But it isn’t enough to slay him, and the enraged guard steps back to get a glaive whack in.

Krenalket: You have failed to sap his will.

Silence.

Karmus: Is his name Will? Because that would make it even worse.
Krenalket: That’s what he calls his wang.

Bellrill sighs. Peregrinus wings a book at Krenalket’s head. The guard pronounces a demonic invocation as he swings the weapon, roughly translated to ‘pain of hate’.

DM: And as it does it begins to glow with…. Arcane…? Magic….? I don’t know.
Bellrill: But you begin to shit yourself. HARD.
DM: There is a magic blast that is in connection with the actual strike. You take a total of 12 points of damage.
Kratin: If I get behind him, do I get a sneak attack?
DM: No, he’ll still know you’re there.
Karmus: It’s all style points at this point.
Kratin: I’d like to cast Perform(oration) and (comedy) and see if I can get him to start laughing!
Karmus: “Did you hear the one about the guard…”
Kratin: “D’ja hear the one about the guard who got stabbed in the kidneys?”
Bellrill: “Twice?”
DM: “How fat WAS he?” “Uh, he was so fat that everyone liked him and no one had any problems with him…”

Kratin desperately hopes someone is hearing this combat, but Karmus, Bellrill, and Krenalket all roll a 7 on their Listen check. Luckily, David and Peregrinus are more competent. Pol also appears out of nowhere to roll a natural 20! The rest of the players roll their initiative and ready themselves to charge into combat. Pol fires into the fray!

DM: I couldn’t have written this any better. As the guard raises his glaive for what you image would be the killing blow, an arrow sails out of the dark! Buries itself in the robes where his neck is. And he simply falls back over.
Kratin: (quavering whimpering)
Karmus: Silence falls upon us. “Quick, let’s get the body!” (miming picking it up) “Which way does he go?!”

Silence.

Kratin: I’m sorry, I just… I’m sorry…
Bellrill: He’s dead.
Karmus: Picking up the body. “Which way does the patrol go?”
Kratin: “Got it.”
Karmus: “Which way does it go?!”
Kratin: “Comes out this door, crosses, goes in the other.”
Karmus: “All right! I’ll get rid of the body, you guys hang on the other side.”
Kratin: “But um… hold on, before you take the body, I want to take the robe off it.”
Karmus: “I’ll take it off when I take it out there but we don’t HAVE TIME!”

The other PCs try to hide with Kratin to sneak attack the next patrol, much more slowly than the timing actually indicates. They’ve left the dead guard’s torch lying on the ground, and hurriedly scoop it up!

DM: The time is upon you. A light from inside begins to shine outward. And then from across the way, from the other door, a head pokes out. A robed head swivels back and forth, looking for something. A body fully emerges, doesn’t seem to see you.

The guards call out across the gap, then abruptly spot Kratin as he lunges out for the kill! Kratin still lands his attack, plunging his sword into the guard’s gizzard!

Kratin: As I stab him. “Did I ever tell you about the joke…?” As I roll a 19 on my Comedy.
Karmus: That’s a waste of a roll.
Kratin: Can this be like video game style, where if we run far enough away, they all just say, “Ah, I guess nothing really happened,” and all go back to normal?

Bellrill hurls a javelin into the fray, while David, offered a choice of how craven he wishes to be, is as far away from possible. Kratin, Krenalket, and Karmus unfortunately form the KK, but in a fusillade of violence they eliminate the guard before he can slay Kratin.

DM: The next guardsman does not seem to produce a weapon. He instead—
Karmus: Pees himself!
DM: He’s magicking.
Kratin: Do we have time to step inside so his fireball flies right past us?
DM: If it was your turn.
Kratin: No, not MY turn, I had to kill him.
DM: That’s how combat works!

The guard unleases an eldritch blast to the tune of 15, but Karmus passes a save and is not blinded. Pol puts a bolt into the cultist’s arm, and then Bellrill lobs an alchemist’s bomb!

DM: As you hurl the bomb, you yell your battlecry, “flame on!” for you have now created a human torch. He stumbles back against the wall and falls to the ground, crispy and dead.

Kratin, happily going rogue as has been noted, dons a robe with the intent to infiltrate. Bellrill gives him a dirty look.

Bellrill: Every time. Disguising as something. You better succeed this time. Prove me wrong! Prove. Me. Wrong.

For no reason at all, Kratin goes in and starts screaming like a mentally-challenged redneck. The DM calls for him to roll a Bluff check.

Kratin: Um.
Karmus: Did you roll a 1?
Kratin: Maybe.
DM: In your haste to appear excited and fearful, you run inside, begin to pose as one of the guards, and signal attention to the attack happening outside, you throw your arms forward! And your arms slip out of the sleeves as it falls to the floor. A mischievous adventurer is revealed to the guardsman!

Kratin is staring at the center of the hallway, with everyone’s attention straight on him. He had a moment to think of a plan.

Kratin: Can I quickly start to orate and start a comedy show to draw their attention?
Krenalket: You just did.
Bellrill: You always fail!
Karmus: You are the perfect replacement for Drusila.

Bellrill and Krenalket promptly head for the OTHER door, while Bellrill attempts to convince David that Kratin has betrayed them! Kratin whips out his whip!

Krenalket: …we made the right decision, Bellrill.

Amazingly, Kratin misses a TOUCH attack, and promptly walks back out. The players get a cheap laugh out of him walking in with the robe, and immediately walking out without it. But Kratin himself has to go, for the hour is late, so the group agrees to break their ‘1 adventure, 1 session’ rule for this campaign and continue it next time!