It’s the 80’s Cartoon Adventure game thing!

Bellrill: I’m sorry, Krenalket, I wrote Nintendo a letter saying dude, you gotta get in this famous character, the DC Pusher, in there. He’d be perfect for Smash Bros.! His stage would be the Metro Center!
DM: Last time our heroes won the field outside the temple of Heironeous!
Karmus: “I’m takin’ this home with me.”
DM: Yes, you’re taking the entire field. Heironeous standing over the remains of two giant demons, looks over his shoulder and surveys you all. You of course did battle with the five -- (completely unable to keep a straight face) -- the five Master Demons…
Bellrill: Do we also get Rush Type 2?
DM: And for those of you who had been paying attention, the bell stopped ringing about halfway through the struggle.
Krenalket: I hope he just got tired.
DM: You see now, in the direction of the temple, the weary priest who now serves as the one hope of revival…
Karmus: “From this day forward, you shall be known as Bell-Ringer.”
DM: He makes his way towards you and surveys the dead demons and priests. His brothers! But he sees his god standing before him, victorious!
Karmus: Pees his pants.
DM: Yes. Spreads his arms wide. Soils himself. As Heironeous stares at you, he silently intones, “I suppose Glittergold’s confidence in you was not misplaced. For you to have singlehanded defeated ones such as these…”
Karmus: “Just going with you.”
DM: “Good sir, might I persuade you to become a member of my own clergy?”
Peregrinus: “Aren’t I already a member of your clergy, my lord?”
DM: Aren’t you?!
Peregrinus: Yes, he’s a priest of Heironeous.
DM: I didn’t think you were!
Krenalket: “Sir, I already am!” “Oh. That’s awkward…”
DM: I thought you were Pelor or somebody… In that case…
Bellrill: “Continue to do a good job!”
Kratin: “You know, I care so little for you mortals…”
DM: Heironeous is a bad god, you should probably dump him.
Krenalket: Yes, come worship Boccob, who OPENLY doesn’t give a shit.
Marigold: At least you know what you’re getting there.

Heironeous promotes the bell-ringer to the guy in charge of the mop up, while Bellrill cheerfully rolls countless attacks against Krenalket just to prove he can hit the gnome. The priest proposes to fashion useful trinkets out of the demon corpses if they return in the future, after which Heironeous bonks them back to Asgard. It gets weird.

DM: “Gosh, I don’t want you guys to resurrect me any more, since bad people keep coming to earth.”
Krenalket: “Resurrect me, I want more fried mushrooms!”
Karmus: “Dried mushrooms for me, please!”

Other adventuring parties return at the same time, though they look like losers compared to the party zipping around with Heironeous. Garl is renamed ‘Flintheart Glittergold’.

Krenalket: “My lord Garl Glittergold, good news! Heironeous owes you one BIG!”
DM: “Yes, apparently I’m gathering MANY favors from those we’ve come together…”
Karmus: “GIMME THE KEY!”
Bellrill: “Gimme back my son!”
DM: Watch, at the end, Glittergold is gonna be like Kefka, he’s the one who’s behind it all.
Bellrill: He’s moving the three statues that balance the world.
Karmus: Gotta wait for Shadow!
DM: Him and Sir Killian.

The DM explains the premise of the campaign, but no one can hear because Karmus and Bellrill are angrily fighting with, or over, a plastic bag directly above the microphone. It takes SEVERAL MINUTES and everyone is laughing at them by the end. The group bursts into the main hall, doves and explosions erupting behind them as they walk slowly, Armageddon-style.

DM: “Come forward, all of you, and listen well!”
Bellrill: Uwe Boll has returned to the surface and is making movies. He must be stopped.
DM: “You have all been working tirelessly on our behalf.”
Karmus: “Tirelessly? I’m pretty tired. I don’t know about you.”
Krenalket: “I’m good.”
DM: You find yourself in Gehenna.
Krenalket: “I’ll be good…”
DM: “Some of you are aware of the nature by which you came here.”
Krenalket: (dramatic stinger)\
Kratin: Well-timed…
DM: “I have extended my not-inconsiderable influence into…”
Karmus: (noticing Bellrill turning curious colors as he blows on a party streamer) You’re going to hyperventiliate if you keep doing that!

Bellrill continues to blow into the party favor, and for some reason this just makes Karmus and Krenalket laugh their stupid asses off.

Karmus: Why are we so punch-drunk tonight?
Krenalket: I’m tired… I don’t know what your excuse is…
Karmus: I’ve had like half a beer. I’m sorry. Continue. How we came here. Dun dun dun.
DM: “And all of you have been returned to actual life. However, this was not without consequence. For to me, for myself to resurrect so many of you, it came at a cost. Though some of you have been pushed to the limit, and come to the limit of what you believe to be death once again… you are not truly dead, but you are not truly alive. If you are brought to the brink of death, you will not die again as you did in mortal life, unless a certain condition is met. If you are killed in that manner, you truly will be dead beyond all reproach.”

The DM explicitly references the Birthright Invulnerabilty blood power, which of course leads to the reference about the guy who needed to have his heart broken. The DM points out that each potential condition, the players would find ironic on some level from some campaign.

Krenalket: Shit, I better beware owlbear skeletons.
DM: That’s something that DID kill you, so I wouldn’t make it that what killed you again.
Krenalket: Shit, I better beware of overpowered encounters.
Bellrill: I better beware of random women.
DM: If you step foot on a boat, you will die!
Bellrill: …no!
Karmus: (mockingly) No!
Krenalket: Shit, I can’t rhyme this entire campaign.
DM: Kratin, if you have sex with anything ever, you will die!
Peregrinus: What about me?
DM: If you ever confirm a crit or go first in combat, you will die.
Karmus: He’s the first to go.

The discussion gets weird.

Krenalket: Saliva is 99% water. Mucus is slightly less than 99% water.
DM: Yeah, I scrape my tongue now…

Odin finally explains the reason he summoned them all here: festivities! Displays of prowess and contests between worthy adversaries! Old campaigns are remembered fondly. The group briefly returns to their lodging, but Garl shows up!

Karmus: “Oh, it’s you. C’mon in.”
DM: “So kind, so kind. Nice place you have here.”
Karmus: “Aye, it’s a bit homey.”
DM: “It’ll be better once you get the floorplan…”
Krenalket: (up to something completely different in the background) Wait, we need fire.
Karmus: I can create that with my ass.

It turns out Krenalket has bought terrible candles for Peregrinus’s birthday cake, and Bellrill’s angry complaining drowns out some RP. The DM deliberately uses the word ‘niggardly’ to sound awful on the transcription, but we are a mature group of RPers who understand the non-racist derivation of the term and won’t fall into the easy trap.

Bellrill: PEREGRINUS! BLOW OUT THESE CANDLES QUICK! Sing the song people, come on!

…we can’t sing…

DM: It’s like the reverse of Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Karmus: Sickly, Sickly Hippos. (mimes hurling)

Garl produces some object or another, but Peregrinus is yelling so loudly about a murder of crows that no one can tell what it is. Garl also gives them a bar of gold! For some reason, passive-aggression ensues.

Krenalket: “Is it solid? If it’s pure it should have that soft, oily quality to the touch.”
DM: He hucks it at your head.
Karmus: It squelches.
DM: You take 8 points of damage. It is indeed real gold, from Garl Glittergold.

Kratin openly lies to them about the value of the bar to try to buy it off them cheaply, horrifying and impressing Garl.

Kratin: Should I roll a Bluff?
Karmus: …are you actually trying to do this?
DM: It’s Kratin. Roll your Bluff.
Krenalket: Let’s see here. Is it ‘hard to believe or puts us at significant risk’, or ‘way out there, almost too incredible to considerable’?
DM: How much are you saying it’s worth?
Kratin: I think it’s worth ten thousand?
Krenalket: You said a few hundred.

With the +20 to Sense Motive from the totally implausible lie, the other characters boo him down and he plays it off as a joke. Chaos ensues in the background.

Krenalket: OW! OW!
Marigold: Are you okay?! What did you do?!
Karmus: Yeah, what DID you do?
Krenalket: I dropped the book in the most convoluted way possible. I was trying to set it down and I managed to bounce it off Karmus, off my leg, and off my foot.
DM: Without much further ado, Garl takes his leave. Are you setting a watch tonight?
Karmus: Why the hell would I set a watch in Asgard?
Krenalket: Kratin. That’s why. We all have to sit and guard the bar from him taking it.
Karmus: “Wait a minute, this thing’s just iron painted gold! …Wait a minute, where’s Kratin?!”
Kratin: Sleight of Hand…
Krenalket: Of course, now you realize anyone else could take it and you would be blamed automatically.

David, who hasn’t really been paying attention, finds himself eaten by a dragon for no real reason. On the morrow, the festivities begin, and after selling the gold bar and doing some minor shopping, they gather to begin the party! This being Valhalla, much of the festivities focus on combats and contests.

DM: There are doubles, handicapped matches—
Bellrill: What?! What!? It’s like wheelchair jousting? Why haven’t they done this yet! If they fall off, they have to crawl into battle with a sword in their mouth…
Krenalket: “Oh no!” (miming a collision) “…I can stand!”
David: So I’m going to ask what a handicap match is.
Bellrill: I don’t know, I just envision handicapped jousting, and anyone who went to this event, it’s shameful to them. They know their own shame. “Is this really happening? I should leave because this is horrible, but I can’t because this is awesome.”

Krenalket encourages Karmus to fight someone with daggers clenched between their teeth, thinking this would give Karmus the psychological edge! Karmus doesn’t bite, even as Krenalket tries to encourage him to engage in various contests. A knight in gleaming armor steps up next to Heironeous!

Krenalket: I want to give Kratin bad ideas to act on, but in-character I don’t want to get involved… Hey Kratin, want to earn some money?
Kratin: No, it doesn’t matter. Anything I ever try to do, you guys just get upset about anyways.
Krenalket: Naw, I’m telling you what to do, it’s a perfect idea!
Kratin: No, anything I’m ever like, “Aww, this will be fun!”, you guys just get angry.
Krenalket: Usually because it involves robbing me or the group at large!
DM: Across the way, the god some of you recognize as Ollidarma stands at the other side. Another warrior or what looks to be a warrior type strides forth, and the two meet about ten feet away in the center of this ring, which is probably about 200 feet wide and close to have that distance in length.

Krenalket attempts to sell Kratin on worshipping Ollidarma, but Kratin overtly ignores him. The battle is joined, while the crowd taunts Heironeous for having an overrated champion and a broken temple. The players switch to encouraging David to get in a rock-off.

Bellrill: Performance(air guitar), that’s what my character should do someday.

The champion of Heironeous falls to a deft and wily maneuver, while Krenalket encourages Karmus to get in there.

Karmus: “If Moradin wants me to champion him, I’ll be more’n happy to do it.”
Krenalket: “What happened to being a loose cannon?!”
Karmus: “I told ya, I’m tryin’ ta reform!”
Krenalket: (heaving a mighty sigh)
DM: Heironeous comes to stand beside your group in the crowd.
Karmus: He just sidles up. “Oh hi, guys…”
DM: And in front of you once again you heart a taunt from the farting half-orc.
Karmus: Is he taunting with his farts?! Is it like Morse code, with the fart?
DM: You don’t hear a fart, you hear a fart!

No one will stick up for Heironeous, although it turns out Karmus speaks Gnomish and he and Krenalket babble at each other for a while… somehow lapsing into Chinese. Then one of the half-orcs companions hits Karmus with a discarded turkey leg, straight between the eyes! The players now understand how this is supposed to go.

Krenalket: “You’re trying to reform. That’s okay, just… LET HIM GET AWAY WITH IT.”
Karmus: “He’s not breakin’ the law…” Aww, that’s a Will fail. (miming tapping the figure)
DM: This individual, who’s a rather silvery-skinned fellow, looks back over his shoulder –
Karmus: “THIS IS YOURS!” (shoving the turkey leg up his nose)
DM: Are you shoving the turkey leg bone in his face?
Karmus: Wherever it goes, he shall know!
DM: He opens his mouth to start speaking some words which you will never hear. He gags upon it and immediately begins coughing and sputtering!
Krenalket: “I’m sorry, he’s a loose cannon!”
Bellrill: I roll a disguise. I am now his black police chief. “KAAAAR-MUUUUUS!”
DM: On the other side of the half-orc, a female turns at the sound of her companion’s coughing and sputtering, and says, “What’s the meaning of this?”
Karmus: “YERLADHERE SHOULD LEARN WHERE TA THROW HIS TRASH LEST IT COME BACK AT HIM, WHICH IT HAS!”
DM: “I don’t understand a word of that, you uncouth fiend!” And she open-handed slaps you across the beard.
Krenalket: “Nobody insults the dwarf and gets away with it! PEREGRINUS will see to that!”
Peregrinus: What?!
Kratin: Like Chuck Norris, another fist flies out from behind the beard.
Peregrinus: “How did I get mixed into this?”
Krenalket: “Because as a valorous warrior of Heironeous, surely you won’t stand for this insult.”
Peregrinus: “I’m not a warrior, I’m a cleric!”
Krenalket: “Same thing, it’s Heironeous! Now step up and defend your friend! Let the valor in your heart inspire you to stand at your comrade’s side!”
Peregrinus: This is only inspiring me to defenestrate the gnome.
Bellrill: I’m gonna be the rest of the audience. “Oh my god, that dwarf got slapped like a bitch!”
DM: Bellrill throws his voice into the audience!
Bellrill: I was trying to be the audience! Bellrill’s not doing that. Bellrill’s just like, “uh-oh, here comes trouble.”
Karmus: I turn around and slap the guy who’s coughing. “Apparently that one was meant for you!”
DM: At this, the half-orc begins to turn from green to purplish-green, which apparently passes for red amongst humans.
Bellrill: I attempt to do the Heimlich maneuver to save a life.
Krenalket: I don’t think he’s going to die… permanently.
Karmus: Unless that’s his specific death.
DM: He steps forward and pokes a finger aggressively into your chest.
Bellrill: Breaking your touch AC, and dealing 1d2 points of damage to your chest.
Karmus: “That’s an impressive finger.”
DM: “See here, tree stump! We’ll not take that from the likes of you!”
Karmus: “This tree stump’ll send you to one’a the levels of hell if ya don’t be careful.”
DM: “What’s that? I couldn’t hear you over the sound of licking Heironeous’s boots!”
Peregrinus: OH!
Krenalket: It’s brawlin’ time!
Bellrill: Whoa, whoa, leave it in the arena. We’ll fight down there.
Krenalket: “The arena, you say! We’ll show you people the might of arcane magic… and what you all can do.”
DM: (sounding distinctly puzzled as to where exactly he lost control of this) Are you sure that’s what you want to do?
Kratin: You’re face to face with this orc, right? I’m coming up from the side, I rolled an 18, so I’m gonna punch him in the face.
Karmus: I do want to uppercut him when he did that…
DM: Jeez. Is it something you said or are you guys just allowing yourselves to be railroaded?
Karmus: I’m playing my character.
Krenalket: Krenalket’s an instigator.

The punches land on the half-orc in tandem, and he bellows an orcish warcry!

Bellrill: Roll his Intimidate.
Krenalket: “Leave your mother out of this, good sir.”
Peregrinus: (choking)
DM: A greataxe comes loose –
Kratin: I roll a 15 to say the guy next to me did it.
DM: His axe stops in midswing and takes out some poor bastards!
Krenalket: It’s all in good fun, now that we know no one can die.

Heironeous interrupts the combat, while Bellrill demands that he be played by Christopher Lambert. Heironeous warns them that the group may outmatch them, but urges them to go into the ring anyway! While Heironeous is fetching Marigold, the parties scramble straight off to Garl to bet heavily on themselves. (Kratin bets more than he has.) Of course, the other party has a divine sponsor too…

DM: From his attire and general bearing, you believe this is none other than Loki.
Peregrinus: Oh shit.
Bellrill: Oh no…
Krenalket: I thought this was going to be a big event, but I see we’re keeping it ‘low-key’.
Bellrill: (making possibly the worst comment to be taken out of context in the history of the group) Okay, everybody pull out your things. We’re gonna do this to him to death.

Loki naturally requests specific conditions for the match, to the party’s jeering acquiescence. Bellrill explicitly compares the arena to Battlebots. The DM begins drawing out the arena, which leads to Cake being ‘sung’ in the background. They begin tossing off some pre-battle buffs like Bless and Enlarge Person. As is usual, the battle setup takes quite a long time… but at last, David is the first to act! He maintains his song and moves position. Bellrill also moves forward. Peregrinus also moves forward. Krenalket lobs a fog cloud into place to cut off any potential casting! …Peregrinus retroactively casts Spiritual Weapon, which lays into the half-orc, while the group ducks behind the cloud to make sure no one gets blasted.

DM: He stops in front of Bellrill. He bowls over Bellrill! He shoves a turkey leg into his mouth.
Karmus: I just have a bandolier of turkey legs.
Bellrill: That’s your special maneuver.

The enemy team takes their hidden movement behind the cloud, and the players wonder what secret arena tricks will trigger.

DM: It’s the HUNGER GAMES!
Krenalket: I really hope some walls pop up at some point.
DM: What else would there be?
Krenalket: Flames. Pits. Spikes.
Bellrill: Spinning blades.
Krenalket: Arrows. Descending ceilings. Boulders.
Marigold: Is this the Hunger Games, or Indiana Jones?
DM: Lasers.
Krenalket: Grease. Detonating fireballs.
DM: Sharks with lasers.
Krenalket: Vampire monks.

David fires at the half-orc, but the arrow snaps off his shoulder plate. A long diversion occurs as the damage and effect of Spiritual Weapon are discussed, before Krenalket places a Wall of Smoke in the way of the rest of the line of sight. One of the enemies bursts through the fog cloud and immediately eats 6 damage from Marigold’s trident!

Marigold: Not too terrible I guess. Question mark…
DM: He swings his taloned hand at you! Does 7 points of damage to you.

The entire battle becomes a Punch-Out reference. The woman emerges and fires flaming spheres from her shadowy sword at the group. Kratin tumbles forward and gets his stab on, running afoul of the flanking rules for several minutes. David is confused.

David: Who else is on the battlefield that’s bad and trying to kill people like us…?

David lobs Glitterdust onto their hugeass opponent, but a natural 20 renders him unblind, albeit glittery. Bellrill lobs some sort of attack, while Peregrinus steps up to get a whackin’… none of it is really funny, sadly. Some of it is misogynist though!

Krenalket: Will save for those two. Difficulty 17.
DM: What kind of effect is it?
Krenalket: Glitterdust.
DM: Oh. You guys and your – Jesus Christ.
Karmus: Glitter-farting assholes everywhere!
DM: They are covered in dust. No natural 20s this time.
Krenalket: They are blind, they have a 50% miss chance, and you can sneak attack at will!
Kratin: Really?!
Karmus: But none of them are named Will.
Kratin: Fuck.
Krenalket: And I call to the crowd, “Behold, Loki’s Sparkling Team! Aren’t they pretty, folks?”

Karmus charges, while Marigold critically fails!

Bellrill: She vaulted into the smoke.
Krenalket: I accuse Heironeous of giving us a plant.
DM: She’s not on her face. Overthrusting with her trident, you stumbled just enough that your shield comes loose from your hand.
Bellrill: Just go dual-wield! Fuck it! But anyways, what’s he doing… is he sneaking back into the woods?
DM: Yeah. Tactically, what else is he gonna do?
Kratin: Attack.
Bellrill: Shit himself. Give up.
DM: I’m thinking a 50% miss chance is… I’m just thinking, tactically most of the bad guys we fight at this table don’t retreat for any reason.
Kratin: Sure they do. Operation Delta.
Bellrill: That’s fucked up! I had no intention of bringing that up!
DM: And you wonder why I made this so hard for you.
Peregrinus: (not paying attention) Fumble recovered by Steelers.
Bellrill: Fumble recovered by a team not on the field.
Krenalket: Fumble recovered by… refs. They suddenly start playing, it turns out they’ve been waiting all this time to make their move.

The shadow-sword-bearing woman whiffs an attack on Peregrinus, while Bellrill comes up with the concept of massage-ony. Karmus starts rolling up a new character.

Bellrill: God damn it, Karmus, don’t pull a Krenalket.
Karmus: Being killed by a half-orc in the arena is my death.

The half-orc zips straight past Karmus, though, Karmus takes a mighty swing, rolling a 27!

Bellrill: And you miss, Karmus. Hang it up, guys. This shit just got real.
Krenalket: Disarm him of that star he’s holding…

Karmus delivers a mighty blow despite the group, but the half-orc just keeps tearing on past, a clear setup that the PCs can’t really prevent at the moment! The arena suddenly shifts around them dramatically as the ‘special rules’ fire off all at once. Gas pours from holes in the floor, pits open, a geyser of flame erupts, a wall appears!

Bellrill: David. Once again, this is a bad guy. This is you. Bad guy, high AC, big axe. You, not high AC, not big attacks. What are you doing?
David: I’ll steal the controller by switching ports. Um, I think I only have one last-ditch thing to do to make sure I don’t become a splat next turn, blow all my first level spells and Versatile Spellcaster to get a mirror image off.
Karmus: He’s like a mini version of Krenalket.

Bellrill hurls a flask of fire, nailing the half-orc with a crit.

Krenalket: You run forward, run up his body, yank his head back, spike it down, then flip away.

Down goes one of their foes, I think the girl! For some reason, possibly the sheer number of people, the fight is honestly pretty confused… Oh, Peregrinus smacked the woman down, it becomes clear! Krenalket lobs a grease spell, while Kratin shills the Armor Lock spell to punish the half-orc.

DM: All of you except Peregrinus –
Kratin: Aww, I shoulda stayed up there…
Krenalket: Die.
DM: Get Coke on your face. Feel slightly heavier as he raises his free hand up. And then slams it down into the ground. You all feel the vibration as a shockwave ripples out. All of you give me a Fort save. Those of you who fail fall to the ground prone, dropping any weapons that are in your hand.
Krenalket: Oh no, my nothing!
Karmus: My Mars Bar, no!
Krenalket: I get really angry when I haven’t had a Snickers…

Peregrinus is still rolling, through, and he takes down the half-orc, who was this close to failure anyway. The rest of them are recovering from the stun of the gravity-weight-thing.

Karmus: You’ve got ape arms, here.
Bellrill: Thanks, Karmus. I feel better about myself every day thanks to you.
Karmus: I say everyone who has longer arms than me, which is not hard, has ape arms.

The DM is bitter that the players had been shocked at the guy’s 24 AC, while the players are indignant considering literally no one CAN hit 24 AC but Karmus, even if they defeated him through gratuitous touch AC abuse. Their final foe takes a hit from the dwarf, and promptly surrenders. The group carefully checks to make sure everyone is actually accepting the surrender.

Bellrill: We shoulda had a ref on the field.
Peregrinus: I’m willing to spare him, I’m just gonna move up 55 feet. Just in case.
DM: Since Karmus doesn’t appear to be about to take his head off, he slowly turns his back and puts his hands behind him in a further show of submission.
Bellrill: Where is the ref in this arena?!
Krenalket: Bends over and blasts his breath weapon out of his ass at us.
Karmus: Then I say, “I suggest ye watch where ya throw yer trash next time.”
Krenalket: You hear a voice going, “Burn him! Kill him! Shoot that fucker!” The guy’s in a cloak, suddenly the hood falls down, it’s Pelor.
DM: A shocked silence falls over the entire arena, then a thunderous roar of approval, mixed with shock, and no small amount of dismay as to the amount of gold changing hands…
Kratin: Loki descends onto the battlefield.
Karmus: New initiative.
DM: I’ll tell you what Loki is doing – no I won’t, because Bellrill will tell you what he’s doing on the other side of the arena.
Krenalket: He throws down his hat and stomps on it.
Bellrill: Oh, tantrum!
DM: No. What do bad guys do?
Bellrill: Stomp off. Oh, cast a spell to make his minions grow?
DM: How many times have you done this at the table? I’m giving you leave to do so because everyone always tells you knock it off when you do.
Bellrill: What do I do all the time –

The rest of the group starts slow-clapping.

Bellrill: NO! I’m the one who gets angry at that shit! Fuck you, Krenalket, you have no right!

The PCs cash in on their bribes, although Peregrinus diverts some of his funds to the temple rebuilding, and revel in their triumph! And since the session was a giant battle, it is over now!