The game begins… very quietly, thanks to microphone issues. Last game, the group had split up! Warwick, Leonarus, and Goruza went through a portal, while Tristan hung out outside it. The DM describes a group of people cutting down the tree to destroy the portal behind them, while Tristan observes them from hiding.

DM: “That should keep ‘em busy for a while.” “Did you see them all go in?” “Yeah, I’m pretty sure they all went in.”
Tristan: Why is there always some workabout, who’s like, “Nyah, I didn’t see anything!” These people don’t sound so bad. They’re just doing a job.

The audio abruptly improves, deafening the transcriber. Tristan sneaks along after them, and promptly rolls poorly on Move Silently.

Warwick: “NOW FOLLOW THEM!”
Leonarus: (horn noises)
Warwick: That’s my following horn.

Tristan then rolls poorly on Hide… but it works out to a 20 anyway, because he’s good at that. The telepresence laptop squeaks and honks annoyingly.

Tristan: GET A FUCKING HEADSET!

Someone molests the microphone, because they hate the transcriber. Oblivious to Tristan’s presence, the figures continue on!

DM: Let’s not spend too much time on each person.
Vox: What’s your guy’s name?
Warwick: Warwick.
DM: Warwick, and croup!
Leonarus: (wheezy coughing) 9:30
DM: As you approach what looks like the entrance there is a solid door, solid stone.
Leonarus: Which way does it open?
DM: You don’t see any obvious way to open it.
Vox: No pulling the hinges.
Warwick: Blow on it.

Leonarus shoves the door, bounces off it, then sends Goruza forward to smash. With all of them working and Warwick deploying his crowbar, they smash their way through. The DM demands Balance checks. Warwick, who is rolling terribly, fires his dice and then bounces off of Leonarus.

DM: You find yourselves in a quite dark hallway. The only light lighting this area is from behind you so it’s actually hard to see unless you have some sort of low-light or darkvision. You see a lot of unlit torches down this hallway, it’s a pretty large hallway. Looking further ahead, you can see that the far end almost seems finished.
Tristan: Don’t you have a mask that gives you darkvision?
Warwick: No.
DM: A headlamp match!
Leonarus: “Strike a torch.”
Warwick: (grumbling as he cracks open a sunrod and shakes it)
Leonarus: “There were torches on the wall. That was wasteful.”
Warwick: “I don’t have torches.”
Leonarus: “There’s some on the wall!”
Warwick: “I don’t know where they’ve been.”
Vox: (off in his own little world) RECOOME! GORUZA!
DM: Do you head down?
Leonarus: Clang, clatter, can’t move silently. Clang, clatter, my move silently is 0…

Down they head into more habitable chambers, seeing or hearing little of interest. Seeking minds, Warwick manifests Read Thoughts, then checks the XPH to see just what it can detect. The rest of the group is confused by the term ‘XPH’.

Tristan: Bread. And. Butter.
Leonarus: My thrallherd chastised you with whips. Leonarus will chastise you with SCORPIONS!
Warwick: ‘You know the surface thoughts of any creature in the area that fails a Will save.’
DM: ANY creature. Okay.
Leonarus: “I’m a bacteria.” “I’m a bacteria.”
Warwick: You guys saving?
Leonarus: Isn’t it a cone?
Warwick: Yes.
Leonarus: Are you looking at us?
Warwick: I’ll start with you, make sure it’s working…

Nothing but vermin. They split up to search the rooms, but this entire area appears to have been evacuated in a hurry. Leonarus comes across some scrolls that might have some information on them, nothing immediately useful.

DM: Give me a Search check real quick.
Leonarus: Awww… you’re fired. I got my head stuck in a hunny jar.
DM: Peering into the safe, how you managed to do it, what confluence of events occurred, but the safe just kind of tipped over with your head in it. You take a whopping…
Leonarus: I heal it.
DM: Eh, whatever.
Leonarus: Unless the safe deals 90 points of damage to me.
Warwick: It’d be great if the safe somehow latched while your head was in there.
DM: Your only hope is that no one saw it. Warwick, you turn the corner just to see this event.

Warwick debates if he cares, then decides he does just because Leonarus keeps him in coin. Vox demands they hate each other and not care because they’re evil.

Leonarus: Look, just because I’d sacrifice you to the war machine of Kaarnath in a heartbeat…
Warwick: Oh likewise, man, if I could sell you for a good profit I’d do it in a heartbeat myself.
Vox: I’d sell you for a pack of cigarettes.
DM: Everyone give me Searches, real quick.
Leonarus: (laughing) When I pulled my head out of the safe, apparently a wealth of jewels and magic items came out with it.
Warwick: Natural 20!

Attention turns back to Vox and Gilbert, at long last! They’re still back in Sharn, arguing over whether or not they know each other because Vox was disguised as a bum. Looking for more work, Gilbert signs up to deliver a message that coincidentally takes him to Wroat, where the other PCs are at least nearby. Vox, meanwhile, finds out that a person he was looking for had made his way to Wroat.

Gilbert: How far is this trip anyway?
DM: It’s about a day’s journey if you go by foot. It’s a couple hundred miles—
Tristan: WHAT? He can walk a couple hundred miles in a day?! Gilbert has feet!

Leonarus plays a sound effect of a booing crowd to express his opinion on this ruling, and the DM inflicts 97 points of unhealable vile damage that sends his flesh to another dimension on him in return.

Tristan: Roll his stabilization chance.
DM: You know what? You are attacked by Wolverine and that katana that prevents healing for some magical reason…

Vox runs into Gilbert and talks him into letting Vox join up as a traveling companion, which the guild guy strongly supports (while Tristan demands Gilbert strike him down). They zip out to lease a horse or two, which leads to a long discussion about realistic travel time based on the use of horses.

Leonarus: So what’s the weather?
DM: Fair.
Leonarus: I don’t think you rolled for that at all.
DM: But the weather in the mountain pass in the alternate dimension has just gone stormy. The indoor hurricane is coming. Warwick, you notice your comrade is in the middle of a flood. Personal flood. He’s about to drown. Do you save him?

Warwick makes no answer, and back to arguing over travel times they go. The guild hooks them up with mounts for free. One of the groups finds itself approaching a small area filled with cabins, hastily constructed and poorly defended.

Tristan: They couldn’t keep a cow out of this place.

The group is apparently Tristan! He scouts out the place from a distance, as evening approaches.

DM: The grass around the area is very untamed and tall, and actually quite active with wildlife. The movement from wildlife in general is expected in this area.
Tristan: In the tall grass. Oh god. Raptors!
DM: Okay, sure. I wasn’t planning on having you deal with raptors, but I can roll them in.
Tristan: What level are they? Can I farm them?
DM: I’m not letting you farm experience.

Tristan suddenly gets distracted by a horrible Santa, which has in fact been hanging off a closet door for years, then attempts to sneak in.

DM: Roll your Move Silently and Hide.
Tristan: Natural 20.
DM: You are not Goruza. Unless Goruza has gone for the bearded look, you’re not Goruza. It’s evil Goruza! With the goatee, she’s evil.

Tristan stealths on into the camp, finding a structure that appears to be a hunting lodge or the like as the centerpiece of the little shantytown. Curiously, a tree seems to be growing out of the back of it, as if integrated!

Tristan: Is this a trap tree? Is it a Whomping Willow? Does it look like I can approach the building undetected?
DM: It shouldn’t be too bad, it’s gonna take a little bit of work. Give me a…
Tristan: How close does what I wear resemble what the village denizens wear?
DM: If you could get ahold of one or two more pieces, namely the gloves and the cowl that they wear, you might have a better time blending in. Out of character you’d gain a circumstance bonus to Bluff and…
Leonarus: Disguise.
Tristan: I’m going to try to select a choice target… I don’t think I can do subdual damage appropriately unless sneak attack counts as subdual.
Leonarus: If you have a sap.
Vox: This isn’t Brunt. You might be able to pull it off. Without crushing his head against the wall.

Making a mockery of his stealth check, Tristan waltzes in undetected and starts gathering up a disguise.

Leonarus: Roll an Intelligence check. You think it would be a good idea to wrap yourself up in bandages and pretend to be a mummy.
DM: Anyways…
Tristan: “Cuurrrrrrrssssse!”
Warwick: Soon, the Mystery Machine pulls up.
DM: Give me a Disguise check.
Tristan: If only Vox were here – wait, I haven’t met Vox. Yeah, that’ll do it, that’s a 30.

Tristan scores himself bonuses to Hide and Move Silently just from the outfit, along with a chance to sneak out of trouble if caught.

DM: They’ll probably just glance over at first and be like, “Hey! You’re not supposed to be on patrol. What’s your operating number?”
Tristan: “Uh…”
Leonarus: That’s okay, I’m sure you can get out of it, Devlin.
Tristan: Coooooooold fish. Natural 20 to Move Silently, 27 to Hide…

Leonarus ponders what music to give Tristan as his theme tune, then elects to go with Guile’s Theme, because it goes with everything of course. It naturally turns into a music duel.

Tristan: Hide #2…. Natural 20…
DM: Okay, you’re fine.

Loud songs played directly into the microphone overwhelm the transcription, causing a hole to slowly appear and engulf Tristan while Warwick feels asleep. The viewpoint switches back to Warwick and company!

Leonarus: How’s a man in a mask the FACE of the party?
Warwick: Because I can make any face I want.
DM: Because he’s closest to me. The door in front of you has a lot of etchings and markings on it.
Warwick: “Look! Etches and markings!”

Some Knowledge rolls picks out enough clues about the door to indicate that the etchings correspond to the fake-dragonmark gems. Some blank gems apparently provide enough support so only a couple of real gems are needed, and they can be retrieved afterwards. They pass through with much flavor text, as torches burst into light on the other side.

DM: Along the wall, lots of… ten… no, actually, it’s close to… (trailing off) Hundreds of doorways sounds so cool, but it’s not that many.
Warwick: THOUSANDS of door—
DM: It’s more doorways than you can easily count.
Leonarus: (just picking on the DM now) Scores?
DM: Scores of arches line the wall and upper floors. What you found can only be looked at as a center of portals, of gates leading everywhere.

Warwick casts his mind back to try to recall markings on previous doors, but as they look around they see stone figurines around the arches. Someone attempts to try to take one of the figurines’ gems, but it activates all of them!

DM: “Is my service needed?” A heavy voice appears.
Leonarus: You’re the one with the gems, man.
Warwick: “Where are we going? Where do these portals lead us?”
DM: “They leads to camps necessary. But you, the gem holder, should know this. Why question us?”
Warwick: “I merely want to know. A reminder of sorts.”
DM: “Of course.”

With a little interrogation, Warwick finds a path close to where they came from – but he doesn’t have the code! The players all sigh and look amongst themselves, as Warwick tries to Bluff… but all he finds out is that the place they want to go will probably result in a fight. Meanwhile, the cops show up because someone’s been screaming outside the game apartment for something like an hour straight! Unsurprisingly, the spectacle grinds the game to a halt for a bit.

DM: Let’s move on to the other team for a bit…
Leonarus: Aww, I had an idea.
DM: What did you want to do?
Leonarus: “Approach the portals we wish to go through.”
Warwick: “Very well. Since you do not require the code, I will give it to the one on the other end.”
DM: “I advise you to use the code. Those guardians aren’t as pleasant as we are.”
Warwick: “They’ll know who they serve. They’ll know.”
Leonarus: “Before anything, ask them to present their arms.”
Warwick: I make my way down.
DM: As you guys make your ways to the doors, we’re gonna go back to our fellows outside. You’ve made it to the first encampment with relative ease. It took you a little while, but you reached it in about ten hours. It’s relatively late, but the cabin is nice and the horses are ready for a good rest.

Vox and Gilbert discover the signs of the scuffle which the other PCs had engaged in some time ago, and now on alert, they choose to set up a watch for the night. Vox takes first watch, but nothing interesting happens. Gilbert, however, hears the horses stirring on his watch!

DM: Looking closely, you can see some scruff coyotes moving around outside.
Tristan: Disguise yourself as one of them!
Goruza: Dire coyotes.

Gilbert heads on out to spook the coyotes! This wakes up Vox – and then the DM calls for initiative!

Leonarus: Uh-oh. It’s a dire coyote, or a direyote for short.
Tristan: Dire E. Coyote?
Leonarus: Super-genius.

Gilbert whips out some hardcore fire damage from a maneuver, then Vox charges out hurling boulders wildly!

Vox: Aaah, ha ha ha ha, I hit Gilbert in the back of the head.
DM: Gimme another attack roll. Gilbert, what’s your armor class?
Gilbert: 23.
DM: All right, you don’t hit Gilbert.

Coyotes fail to gnaw Gilbert, and one goes to town on the very ground itself for some reason. Gilbert and Vox inflict pain and misery on the coyotes!

Vox: I’d like to start skinning these wolves.
DM: Do you have Profession(leatherworking)?
Tristan: So he can disguise himself as a coyote!
Vox: No, man, I’m gonna sell the furs, make some money.
Warwick: Here, have a bloody clump of fur! Didn’t you try this with Marros?
Leonarus: No, Iglar tried it with the dragon.

Back to Tristan, who hears a great deal of commotion coming from inside the camp! The cultists and group there are drifting to the center – which the extradimensional group is perfectly well aware is their welcoming party. Without real effort, Tristan sneaks in – and is promptly mistaken for one of them!

DM: “Didn’t you hear the alarm? You should be RUSHING that way! Let’s go!”
Tristan: “Yes sir!”
DM: Your disguise, as far as you can tell, has paid off. Maybe with the commotion going on he’s just not paying attention, but you find yourself now with six other people, surrounding the base of the tree. This trunk’s a lot bigger. There’s three different archways around the roots. Most of the other people have taken up position around this sort of… this-high walls and preparing bows, watching for these things to open up. The top of the center arch, it’s glowing a soft green to a soft blue, and it’s sort of alternating.
Tristan: Is it just guardsmen?
DM: Yeah, they look very similar to some of them other people, but none of them are wearing the shadow lockets. The guy behind you is probably the person in charge. What you don’t see is the three people you saw earlier.

The NPCs cackle that the guardians will weaken the PCs, leaving the cultists to slay them easily with arrows.

Tristan: “Shouldn’t we try to capture them?”
DM: “At this point they’re better off dead. We’ll take their bodies, make it look like they were eating by wolves or something, the investigation will over and we’ll be back on track. Don’t worry about it.” Slaps his hand on the back of the cowl. Give me a Disguise check.
Leonarus: This is sad. Come on.
Tristan: 17.
Leonarus: Your disguise holds. Your cowl doesn’t go flying off or anything goofy like that.

Tristan ponders ways to winnow down the numbers of enemies, with the other players offering completely useless suggestions, like slapping people on the back with a Thunderstone in hand.

Warwick: “Aww man, that chili last night—“ Pbbbbbbbt OBSCURING MIST!

Back inside, Warwick approaches one of the three archways that is under heavy guard.

Warwick: “Stand aside. We wish to go through.”
DM: The moment you speak the words, the gem on your chest glows, and the two wards awaken. “Speak the code and you shall enter.”
Leonarus: “Present your arms for the code.”
Warwick: “As he said, present your arms for the code.”
DM: “Arms aren’t required for the code. You must speak it aloud and the portal will open.”
Leonarus: “Present your arms and we will do so.”
DM: “You have ten seconds to comply. Speak the code and the door will open.”

Warwick’s natural 20 on Intimidate and some verbal lambasting isn’t enough to get the ward figurines to present their arms, except in a most violent manner. Warwick takes 8 points of damage from a blow and initiative is rolled!

Warwick: As I attack, I’ll say, “Swordfish!” That’s always the code.
DM: Too late!

Inconveniently, the figurines gain armor! Warwick bounces one off the wall with a force push, while Goruza grabs one but completely fails to Mighty Throw him.

DM: One of the golems, the gem in its right hand glows. A mace coalesces out of it. How far are you from the group?
Leonarus: I was right up there with him.
DM: All right, if you’re up—
Leonarus: (slapping his shield)
DM: Well, he missed you.
Leonarus: (slapping his shield)
DM: That didn’t help you, he rolled a three!

Leonarus hits for 8, but the damage is partly warded away. The other golem steps up, and since Leonarus is slapping his shield, the DM declares this to be a touch attack against everyone.

DM: What’s your touch AC?
Leonarus: (scoffing)
DM: I’ll just touch your shield! Unless it’s higher than 18, everyone gets hit.

Strength checks shove Leonarus and Goruza back 5 feet, while Warwick tumbles 20 feet back and must roll a Balance check. Everyone takes 16 points of damage from this. But Warwick lands on his feet, whips out a heavy crossbow, and misses by a mile! Goruza also whiffs her maneuver.

DM: All right, round 2…
Gilbert: That was just one round?!
DM: No no, his second attempt at striking him—
Leonarus: (slapping his shield)
DM: You watch as, oddly, he doesn’t move. His arms seems to stretch.
Warwick: Stretch Armstrong!
Tristan: Yoga!
DM: He strikes at you from a slight distance – fucking finally. Does a 25 hit you?
Leonarus: Yes! Barely. …not so barely.
DM: Nine points of bludgeoning damage and four points of vile energy damage.
Leonarus: You’re really selling the vile thing, aren’t you.
DM: Well what the fuck else am I supposed to do against your goddamn regeneration, sir? 90 hit points and fucking death, I can’t even kill you—
Leonarus: 1 a round! 1 a round!
DM: …Oh, it’s not as high as I thought. I can tone that down…

Leonarus hurls a Darkbolt at a golem, dealing 8 cold and 8 unspecified damage, which he has to redefine as ‘typeless’ because the rest of the group are going mad at the term. The other golem pops out an axe to advance on Goruza, but after a quick positioning debate, he strikes at Leonarus instead. Leonarus angrily resists his cold and some of his slashing damage, knocking the total inflicted down to 4.

Warwick: Just crossbow bolts from behind you, just whiffing. “Sorry. Sorry about that. My apologies. Sorry…” You start wearing a shield on your back.
DM: Three 1s in a row and it becomes an ally-slaying arrow.

Goruza uses Mountain Hammer! Leonarus misses! Warwick misses! A golem misses! What a round, folks!

Tristan: You should start shooting at the ground and hope they trip over the bolts.
Warwick: “Is this thing defective?”
Leonarus: “Is Warwick still here?”
Goruza: I’m going to use Flame of the Shadow Sun, which gives me resistance to cold 10.

Silence.

DM: Fucking really!?
Warwick: I almost took a mask that gives me resistances, too.
DM: Then go ahead and use it to retroactively remove the cold damage you took, since you had something for it… what the fuck is going on…

Goruza deploys some fire damage on them, which causes gems to respond to the power!

Goruza: So it absorbed my fire damage?
DM: As far as you can tell, it looks like it did, but the fire damage still stuck. Looks like the rock was hurt, but something in the gem still responded somehow.
Tristan: You’re giving it super meter.
Warwick: It’s going to backlash out at you.
Leonarus: I can smell what the Rock is cooking.
Warwick: Good man.
Tristan: (groaning)

The golem grabs its gem and shatters it! Reflex saves for all! 30 points of damage flies out at them!

DM: 30 points of fire damage – no, I’m sorry, not fire damage… green fire damage… it’s not vile damage, so 30 points of untyped damage.
Leonarus: 30 points of no resistance for you damage, is what I’m hearing.

Leonarus whacks a golem, and then the gems on it shatter as force begins pushing him and Goruza violently away. These gem-destruction attacks threaten Warwick’s own gems through sympathetic resonance, but he was pushed away, so he’s good!

Warwick: Okay, we’re gonna Energy Push.
Leonarus: Natural 1, right to the back of the head.
Warwick: I don’t have to roll for that, thanks…
DM: You are knocked out. Don’t ask me how, don’t ask me why. You are asleep the rest of the battle.

The push does almost-fatal damage to the golem, but Goruza manages to cling on despite the massive push going against her, and takes the damn thing out. Box merchants and their seedy cousins roam the battlefield, peddling their wares, but the destruction of the golem shatters shards everywhere.

Leonarus: I love how all the damage is conveniently bludgeoning damage.
DM: THEY’RE ROCK GUYS! I didn’t even look at your sheets!
Normilan: Cavity Creeps! “We. Make. Holes in teeth.”
DM: All right… let’s see if I rolled – last time – they’re doing fairly well. You guys are being challenged. I think. I hope so.
Leonarus: Let’s find out.
DM: Oh man, he rolled like a champ! 15 points of bludgeoning damage and 8 points of vile damage.
Leonarus: All right. I’m dead.
DM: Oh wow.
Warwick: Like, dead dead?
Leonarus: Yep. Dead dead. You done killed me.
DM: Oh wow. How much hit points do you have left?
Leonarus: I took 23 points of damage, so I am at -17. And THAT’s why all the bitter resentment.

The DM is shocked that he way overtuned this encounter after all – 94 hit points in three rounds, as Leonarus points out. Somewhere, Vox is happy! Cheerfully copping to DM BS, the DM reverts 35 points of damage as he pulls a die from the damage pool. Leonarus shoots straight up with a dramatic sound effect. The discussion gets REALLY sidetracked.

DM: Why are you bringing that Exalted game back up?! I had to spend points so I could learn how to go to court for you!
Tristan: That game was awesome. It was over before its time. That’s why I keep bringing it up!

Warwick discovers the shadow dagger is a lot more effective than his stupid crossbow! The second golem is mopped up between him and Goruza, and the group commiserates grimly over how difficult hitting the ‘properly challenging’ sweet spot is as the game wraps up.

DM: Leonarus, you enter a sleeping chamber, but you are still hungry.