Krenalket: Come on, it’s time for the opening credits!

Krenalket acts out or describes the horrible deaths of all of the PCs, while the DM sings Cha-La Head-Cha-La for a theme. The DM confused ‘fried’ for ‘dried’, them recaps them.

Krenalket: Last time, we saved the temple!
DM: The temple of wimpy Heironeous.
Karmus: Thanks to that one dude ringing the bell.
Krenalket: Hey, if we’re lucky, we led him to become a great leader of men and crap.
DM: Well, he’s probably the best they got left now.
Krenalket: There is that.
DM: He’s valiant, and lucky, and alive. The rest can come later.
Krenalket: Yeah, the people who are not valiant, not lucky, and DEAD, are the PCs.
DM: The Pirates of Light Fire…I believe you all had just emerged from the temple and had a little victory chat with Heironeous.
Krenalket: Who showed up. Finally.
Karmus: In his bathrobe.
DM: And Golbez looks upon you all and says—
Bellrill: Seriously!
Normilan: Golbez looks upon you all, and… (slow clapping)
DM: And out of nowhere you hear a sixteen-bit laugh.
Krenalket: And then a hurricane.
DM: “Come on, we’re ready to go!” “Gotta wait for Krenalket.” “This island is falling out of the sky!” “Gotta wait for Krenalket.”
Krenalket: Five seconds to go. “It’s not my fault, my movement speed is 20!”
DM: And fastforward to the destruction of the world. Leo wakes up on a beach.

Heironeous gets to work resanctifying the ground, causing all the ‘zombies’ who are still alive to regain consciousness. Karmus’s work in preventing many of them from living is noted.

DM: So much for open-faced caskets!
Krenalket: I don’t think it’s open faced caskets. I dunno, maybe for cannibals…
DM: They begin to regain consciousness, looking about dazed and confused.
Karmus: The ones that were maimed begin screaming in agony!
DM: Fortunately, you guys do a thorough job when you kill things. No one was not injured enough to wake up with mortal wounds. Except if they stabilize. HE LIVED! “Aaaaaargh”!

Leo abruptly is hauled into the adventure by Garl Glittergold, with absolutely no ceremony whatsoever, appearing at the temple.

DM: You recognize those you’ve adventured with before. Diminutive Krenalket, broad Bellrill--Bellrill: Slam McBigfist.
DM: Strong Peregrinus, and stout Karmus.
Karmus: I get the most basic descriptor…

The DM sets the scene for Leo for a moment, with the scene peaceful and ordered while the PCs do their thing and Heironeous casts spells…

DM: But even as the scene returns to peace and order, dark clouds appear in the sky, that soon cover the sun.
Krenalket: Is it supposed to be doing that?
DM: A distant but too-loudly-seeming rumble of thunder accompanies it, and a face appears in the sky. “YOU WEAK PATHETIC FOOLS, I’VE COME FOR YOUR SOULS.”
Cruroar: No! We’re in a shitty movie!
DM: The SECOND one was shitty. Then again this is the beginning of the second one.
Karmus: I boldly look at the sky and say, I don’t think so.
DM: Which one of you is Johnny Cage?
Bellrill: Take me out of this motherfucker, let’s go!

The discussion proceeds as to how bad Mortal Kombat: Annihilation was, to the point that even Christopher Lambert refused to act in it. And he was in Beowulf!

Karmus: Rule of thumb: Christopher Lambert is the poor man’s Christopher Lambert.
DM: Then Heironeous squares his shoulders, looks to the skies, and bellows, “No! It can’t be!”
Krenalket: “It’s Sir Killian!”
DM: (a completely indescribable look) No, he’s under the bus.
Bellrill: It’s Loki!
DM: I should make him the last boss of this game. “You created me!”
Krenalket: It’s half Planescape: Torment?
DM: Just outside the temple grounds, a large circle begins to appear on the landscape, or it appears to be disc-shaped from where you are, but it seems to be coming together, and red emanates from the edges of this, as glyphs begin to appear, and an inrushing-of-air-type of sound can be heard.

It’s some kind of gate! Heironeous vows to take it head on, because it’s too late to stop it from opening. Red light pours from the gate.

Krenalket: “No, Heironeous! It’s suicide, I assume!” …I don’t know for sure it is, but it probably is.
DM: “I assume!” Of all the ways to end the sentence. “You, meta-creature…:”

A pair of demons emerge from the gate, looking like Red Armor from Ghosts and Goblins. The group assumes that Heironeous will begin gathering the Spirit Bomb and they will have to stall for time.

DM: He gruffly speaks out of the corner of his mouth without taking his eyes off the demons, and warns you not to engage these foul demons directly. “Swords are no more use here!”
Bellrill: “Fly, you fools!”
DM: Even as Krenalket’s awesome voice shouts for you to assume battle position, some of the monks begin flanking Heironeous.
Krenalket: “No, you fools! It’s suicide, I assume!”
Bellrill: That’s it, we’re playing Power Grid. You’ve ruined it for everyone, Krenalket.
DM: Behind you, from the tower of the temple, you hear a bell begin to peal. “It worked before!”

A long discussion about the flight capabilities of Autobots ensues, for… some reason. Heironeous advances on the large demons, and the monks on the smaller hordes advancing with them!

DM: You now have a Braveheart charge! Does anyone want to say ‘hold’?
Krenalket: I told them it was suicide, I assumed!
DM: Some of the monks have broken ranks and are charging at the demons. You all are holding formation, I presume?
Krenalket: Heironeous said don’t do it, and I’m fine with not dying… again,.
Bellrill: Heironeous said don’t engage the big demons. I’m a ranged person, so I don’t move forward anyways.
DM: I just want to know if you guys are staying where you’re at.
Bellrill: I’m just waiting for them to get in range, so I can throw my bombs, my axes, my windabells—
Karmus: “Ach, ya fools!” I’m charging with them.
DM: Don’t you know… Before Karmus takes off, that’s when we can do the whole initiative!

Initiative is rolled, Peregrinus is ludicrously high as always, and then five demons split from the throng to engage the PCs.

Krenalket: How far away are they?
DM: Uh… how far can you cast spells? Yeah, I’m sloppin’ it up tonight, whatcha gonna do?
Krenalket: 520 feet for long range.
DM: They are 521 feet away!

Peregrinus, up first, has no idea what to do. He’d already cast Bless, so… now what?

DM: Anybody need healing? Is there anyone I can sneak up on?
Krenalket: I can’t see the battlefield!

Leo, who had lost his character sheet, abruptly realized he’d rebuilt his character as a rogue when he had originally been a swordsage. For some reason, to fix or explain this, either or, Odin turns Krenalket into a toad. The group scrambles forward to keep up with the charging melee – to the theme from Chariots of Fire.

DM: You’ve made that the Guile Stage of this campaign, because it goes with everything.

Accompanied a song about how brave Sir Robin is, Peregrinus casts Align Weapon. Krenalket attempts to determine how far away their opponents are now.

DM: Think of it as like… you know how on Cybertron, you had the Decepticons that had toys, and then you had the generic ones that barely had any features? That’s those demons [fighting the monks], and then there are the actual named demons coming straight for you guys.
Bellrill: Ohhh.
Krenalket: But he still refuses to answer my question!

The named demons, looking diverse and unique, approach, while in the background the theme to Wacky Races plays.

DM: One of them has aquatic-looking spiny fins on its forelimbs. Another of them is rather blue-hued. Two of the demons have subdued earth tones; one of them has metallic looking blades growing out of its forelimbs, the other has a rather stony-cast look to it. Parts of it appear to be solid rock. And there’s another that moves very swiftly, it flies very low to the ground.

Krenalket hurls Glitterdust into the midst of three of the foes, blinding two of them.

Karmus: They’re vampires!
DM: They’re sparkly vampire demons now headed for you full speed.
Bellrill: One of the demons started hitting on a plain girl, she was clearly a five.
Krenalket: Oh, I was really wearing my glitter-goggles last night.
Bellrill: Right, DM? The girl from Twilight, clearly a five but there’s all those guys fighting over her.
DM: If she’d ever been able to close her mouth she might have moved up to six…

Leo shoots at the demons, and misses; he is accused of rolling a rock, which he promptly attempts to do literally. Krenalket bemoans his inability to cast Web in an open environment. Bellrill hurls an alchemist bomb into the demons, while Peregrinus strikes the finned one with a longsword for 8 points of damage.

DM: The aquatic demon, after gurgling in pain, now gurgles in rage!

Krenalket asks them to remind him to do something; everyone immediately reminds him that second, leading him to let out a Vader “NOOOOOOOO!”

Normilan: Thank god that was at the end of the movie, because that was when I completely deflated.
Bellrill: You were so pumped from the really awesome duel, and then the robot told you that goofy shit about how she died because she didn’t want to live any more…
Krenalket: “I’m a robot. I don’t know medicine.”
Bellrill: It’d be more believable if there had been a history of events in our world where that’d been a common thing. You know, it happened on House. House is like, “Well, maybe she doesn’t want to live any more. Maybe we have to cure her personality.” If it happened on House I would have believed it.
Krenalket: Questions they should have asked: “Are you actually a medical droid?” “Oh no, I’m a poetry droid. Isn’t this romantic?”
Bellrill: It’s one of those dumbass droids from the other side. “I’m really just a combat droid,” and his head’s spun backwards. He starts walking into a wall. “Oh, this is why she’s dying.”
DM: Bellrill and Pere, I want both of you to give me Jump checks.
Bellrill: You’ve got the Touch! (rolling) No, I don’t really have the Touch.
Peregrinus: 21.
Krenalket: (playing the General Lee horn for Peregrinus)
DM: The aquatic demon waves its hand and strange-looking bubbles appear and roll along the ground.
Bellrill: He used Bubble Attack?
Krenalket: Bubble Lead.
DM: 25 XP to Krenalket for his meta-weird shit.
Krenalket: Hey, I have Knowledge(arcana).
DM: You don’t have Knowledge(Robot Masters)!

The Bubble Lead bowls over Bellrill, then Karmus bull-rushes the stone demon while the others look up which Robot Master is which number. He slams in successfully! In the background, Heironeous punches a demon – while the other sweeps the leg! Krenalket lobs a Grease in front of Karmus.

DM: Pere, what’s your armor class?
Leo: I keep thinking you’re saying Terry.
Peregrinus: Terry’s in another castle.
Leo: He is.
Krenalket: Why did Leo’s character show up late in my game? He TERRYied too long.

Silence. A long silence.

Krenalket: WAKA WAKA WAKA!!
Karmus: I can already see that. “Silence.”
DM: I’ll give you credit for that one for using the obscure word in play there.
Krenalket: I think that one will be a long silence.

The blinded metal man, I mean demon, hurls a blade at Peregrinus but misses horribly. It strikes another demon, but the blade continues to grind its way into the demon’s back! Leo… screws up.

DM: What did you hit it with?
Leo: Crossbow. Man… wait, no. Why’d I put the attack bonus there? No. Yeah – no.
Bellrill: What are you calculating?
Leo: What die I’m supposed to use. A d8?
Bellrill: So you’ve attacked and you’ve hit. With your crossbow.
Leo: Yes.
Bellrill: So it’s 1d8. I don’t know why you have an attack bonus of 1d6…

One of the demons thrusts its hands out, sending a pealing note ringing across the battlefield. The stone demon surges into action!

DM: I roll well, like, never. So I’ve taken to designing everything so overpowered that I don’t have to roll well. It attempts to forcibly lay hands upon you, Karmus. Make your opposed Strength check as it attempts to show you – okay. You win. Damn you.
Peregrinus: 7 points of damage.
DM: Blow, blow the man down.

Heironeous recovers from the leg-sweep and elbows the demon who did it. A song questions what love is, with predictable results.

Leo: God damn it. They all did it at the same time. They all looked at each other for half a second and they all started it at the same time.
Krenalket: Okay, ten hours of that might be a bit too much…\

Bellrill blasts a demon with a bomb for 14 fire damage. The DM calls for Jump checks. Krenalket promptly rolls a natural 20 and the DM rescinds the roll bitterly, except then he critically wallops Leo and feels a little better. Karmus attacks again, dealing a mighty blow! Krenalket casts Cloud of Bewilderment on the Bubble Lead guy, nauseating him.

Bellrill: Who shot Mr. Burns? Was it Abu?
Krenalket: Abu?
Bellrill: GOD—stop it, paper!
Karmus: Why is your arm so sticky tonight?
Bellrill: Get off me!
DM: The winged demon who had been clutching at his face attempting to remove this foul vampire dust from its eyes now looks up and snarls a challenge.
Krenalket: “Play the best song in the world—“ if only one of our bards was here.
DM: I would give 500 XP for a bard actually doing that while we were in combat. All of you except Peregrinus, give me a Reflex save.
Leo: Why is he getting out of it?
DM: Because she’s going to make her save.
Peregrinus: Reflex is my low save.
DM: Okay, you roll too.
Krenalket: I rolled 2. You cursed me. You jinxed me. You said “you roll too” and look what happens.
Peregrinus: 17.
DM: You all feel a gust as every one of you except Pere is unable to avoid a series of miniature tornadoes that lift you all up and slam you back down.
Krenalket: Wait, we feel a gust?
DM: You feel July, as – what pun were you going to make?
Krenalket: I’m aghast.

An extraordinarily long pause.

DM: They usually get better instead of worse.
Leo: I got an 8 with the crossbow. I miss.
DM: Battered and beaten, you manage to fire a bolt off, but understandably it goes wide.
Leo: And it hits—
DM: Yes, it hits Karmus. In the beard.
Leo: No, no. It hits a monk.
DM: …Wow.
Karmus: Who are you, the DM?
DM: It hits a monk! Abruptly the bell stops pealing. That was a really bad shot. But a really awesome shot! The blue-hued demon holds another hand asunder, and a sharp pealing sound echoes once again across the battlefield.
Krenalket: The fries are done!
DM: It’s not a ding! Well, it’s kind of a ding. At the sound, Karmus, the stone demon shoots forwards as if mystically hastened.

The grapple is more successful this time, and Guts Demon hurls Karmus at Peregrinus. The metal demon tosses a blade into Bellrill and Krenalket, after which Bellrill splatters the aquatic one with a bomb. It was awesome, but the transcriber apparently refuses to acknowledge it? An incredibly bad joke is made.

Karmus: Not happy with him tossing me, like some dwarf.
DM: HE JUST TOSSED A DWARF! Oh my god! That’s gotta be the title of the transcription, nobody tosses a dwarf! Oh my god!

Krenalket attempts to remove the metal blade from himself, but promptly rolls a 1 on his Strength check. He gets his HP shredded for the effort.

Karmus: You better do some healing on Crenellation there.
Krenalket: You heal Crenellation, Krenalket dies…

Krenalket lobs another Cloud of Bewilderment onto the metal spike demon, and the DM’s sad noise says everything about the save.

Peregrinus: Am I close enough to Cop-a-Squat to give him a heal?
DM: Well there’s nothing threatening you from closing the space, I’ll put it that way. The only thing threatening you is Karmus.
Krenalket: But I warn you, he’s a loose cannon!
Karmus: “I’ll bring justice. MY justice.”
Krenalket: Karmus gives me a hearty slap on the back DRIVING THE SPIKE FURTHER IN!
Karmus: Through the other side! With a heart.
Krenalket: “That’s not even mine. That’s weird.”
Karmus: “Uh-oh!”
Krenalket: You shouldn’t have thrust your chest violently at my backside…

Peregrinus is hurled about by a whirlwind, while Leo rolls horribly on a sneak attack. Heironeous is in the middle of a fierce battle still!

Krenalket: Sorry, Leo, I’m sacrificing you. I cast Benign Transposition on Heironeous and Leo.
DM: Oh jeez!
Leo: Really?!
Krenalket: He can solve our fight while Leo chump-blocks the bad guys.

Bellrill yanks his blade free, taking some minor damage in the process, while Karmus deals a mighty blow to the stone demon and drops it. Krenalket puts up a Wall of Smoke to delay the air guy for one round. Peregrinus yanks the blade out of Krenalket. Leo rolls another 1. The DM calls for Will saves!

Peregrinus: Natural 20!
DM: You realize I’m not including you when I address the group for things like saves, right?

Karmus gets hit by the Slow effect, though everyone else saves. Krenalket’s wound finally closes.

DM: About four gallons of your gnomish blood is on the ground.
Bellrill: That’d be ALL his blood.
Krenalket: “I rename myself to Roronoa Zoro.” I have a Con of 18, I can handle it!
Karmus: FOUR GALLONS of your gnomish blood lying on the ground.
Krenalket: According to this Con score I have 14 to go. One gallon per Con point.

Bellrill wallops the air guy with a bomb, while Krenalket summons a massive wall of light and electricity, forty feet long, to block their sight! …it’s an illusion, a mere Silent Image which he hurriedly tells everyone to disbelieve. As a gnome, his saving throw against illusion shoot up and the demons can’t pass it. They hurl attacks through the wall, since they know it’s an illusion. Bellrill makes a hit – barely – and asks Leo to blow on his dice for luck.

Bellrill: Never do that again. Never do that again. You are a useless piece of—
Karmus: Snake eyes.
Leo: I blew on it and it gave me snake eyes.
DM: Roll one of them again.
Bellrill: Blow on it, Karmus.
Karmus: HOOOOooooooo.

Karmus advances forward to the Chariots of Fire tune! Still slowed, he has no attack. Some more attacks occur, which end with Bellrill dropping the metal demon. In the background, Leo refuses to touch Squirrely which is in Karmus’s pocket, and the transcriber resolutely refuses to transcribe this nonsense, confident that the reader is missing nothing by the refusal. Karmus kills the final demon!

DM: A second elbow lands in the gut of the demon that’s got him in a stranglehold. He reaches back and hurls that demon into the other!
Krenalket: Those demons must be stopped, no matter the cost. (firing up Stan Bush)
Bellrill: As Heironeous jumps up into the air, transforms into a truck.
DM: As it happens, both demons end up careening into the side of Heironeous’s temple, and crumbling into heaps.
Bellrill: Didn’t Optimus do that to two of the Decepticons?
DM: And one of them looks up and goes, “No more, Heironeous! Grant us mercy, we beg of you!”
Krenalket: “No you don’t, demons!” (miming hurling himself into the fray)

The DM comes so close to snorting soda out his nose that Krenalket starts cheering. The rest of the demons flee, while the players continue to make the entire thing one giant Transformers movie joke. Much of the mopping-up is lost beneath a musical dissertation on the combination of nuggets and biscuits, but Heironeous heals them all! Victory is theirs! Experience is theirs! …the end of the game is theirs, because that took a while!