The game starts! It’s weird.

Cruroar: Turn off dem toasters!

They immediately lapse into Relax-O-Vision, after which the DM finally realizes that the game has started and begins, you know, running it.

DM: Last we left off you were in the frozen north, defending the Padfoot clan’s settlement.
Aliarra: Were there many casualities from civilians?
DM: There were many cat-sualties… no, that doesn’t work. How do you do it, Aliarra? I need to start cataloguing them… Because of the internal attack by the duergar there are quite a few casualties. Thankfully there are quite a few survivors as well.
Aiden: The Great Darkness Aiden has arrived to finish them off.
Cissy: “Is there any need for survivors? No?” (miming detonations)
DM: After defeating minotaurs at the side gate that would have made things a lot more interesting for them, you came in and helped quell the last of them. It is at that moment when the front gates open.
Aliarra: Faldoun shows up. For the second time.
DM: That’s right. He’s doing a double entry, he didn’t think enough people saw him the first time. “Hello, I’m here…”
Aliarra: “Someone that laid-back could never be in charge of all these forces!”
DM: You’ll never know how he does it. The man just commands respect.

Even the mighty Faldoun has lost some hit points, but he’s smiling and flush with the thrill of battle. Cissy immediately finds in him a kindred spirit.

DM: Cissy saps your will to live.
Aliarra: As usual.
Cissy: Cissy goes to enjoy the love of battle with him. She has bloodlust.
Aliarra: She attempts to make out with him in front of everyone.
Cissy: No, she does not.
Aliarra: But wait, she’s so short and he’s so tall she has to get up to his height. (playing the Mario jump)
Cissy: Tenser’s Floating Disc!
DM: You and that fucking disc!

Faldoun greets them and they briefly describe their conflict, questioning how the duegar always show up at the worst possible time. Cissy foolishly provokes people and gets clobbered

DM: Cissy flies off.
Aliarra: “IN SKELDRIC’S NAME!”
Cissy: It’s Japanese anime style. A little twinkle.

Aiden questions if he’s attracted to these northern Banglasharan, leading to a discussion about the mild differences between them and the southern ones.

Aiden: They don’t know me up here. I’m not going to ruin my reputation already.
Aliarra: “THE DEVOURER! THE DEVOURER HAS COME!”
Aiden: “How could they know?!” Everything’s burned except for the one picture of me in the corner.
DM: Down south there are Banglasharan from both continents, both have migrated over, and both write home…
Aliarra: “Dear cousin. Darkness stalks our lands. I cannot speak too much of it, but I implore you, beware the man. In the name of Denerim, beware!”

Aliarra portrays Aiden as Butthead, which offends him; he demands to be portrayed as a more intelligent character, like Dale from King of the Hill. He then horribly misunderstands something.

Aiden: “We will stay the night. I love you.” I’m like… I wanna go heal people now.

Mrrshala writes a subtitle card for Faldoun that says ‘I love you’. They spread out to help the Banglasharans.

DM: The work is tiresome, but rewarding, as you are helping these good people.
Aliarra: Why don’t you poison the infectious bacteria that are trying to enter their wounds>
Aiden: You’re not Kefka. …No, he poisoned the water.
DM: There is a well.
Aiden: Damn it.
Hanzo: (miming pouring out a vial) For my homeys.
Aliarra: Meowy-meow want a drink of water?
Cissy: Cissy has picked up a dagger and is just walking around the minotaurs, killing the survivors…

They spend the day in this business, after which an initiate comes up to Aliarra. She comically mishears and attempts to roll for initiative.

Cissy: You punch the initiate in the face without thinking.
Aiden: “What did you say about my ass?!”
DM: “That’s a mighty fine-lookin’ ass, ma’am.” “Faldoun would like to see you in his tent.”
Aliarra: What time is it?
DM: It’s early evening.
Aliarra: “Early for a meeting.”
Aiden: He loves you.
Cissy: Cissy can sing.
DM: Do you gather your companions?
Aliarra: They know to appear when the time is right.
Aiden: Do we?
Aliarra: He didn’t say get them. He told all of you!
Cissy: No, he came to you and said he wants to see ‘you and your companions’.
Aliarra: I gather my companions if he said my companions.
DM: He said you and your companions. You missed the companions part, that’s all.
Aliarra: I was too busy focusing on how he loved me.
Aiden: I’m standing in a corner attempting not to be devious. Nope, I stay strong. Stay strong.

Aliarra rounds everyone up, since no one was skulking about trying to be hidden – despite the DM’s best efforts. Aliarra predicts Faldoun will produce the heart, having sold out. They head out to see Faldoun, who greets them and begins to discuss their plans.

DM: “Minotaur forces are further north.”
Cissy: “Then let’s go get ‘em.”
DM: “We will be getting them. We will be marching further north.”
Cissy: “Yes!”
DM: “You all…”
Cissy: “No!”
DM: “The problem is, as soon as you get past the great lake, we get into heavy minotaur territory. It will be dangerous. We need to clear them out as much as we can. In the meantime, I think you all should make your way around to the west, then head north.”
Aliarra: “Less opposition there?”
DM: “Less opposition, you can check up on one of the other clans, and I’m sure Denelos would like to know the college up here is fine.”

Attention briefly turns to the one new character who will be here for, like, this session only!

DM: What’s your character’s name?
Celeste: Celeste.
DM: Like Mama Celeste’s Pizza?
Aiden: Aww, yeah!
Celeste: Celestia. Molestia. (gets smacked by Aliarra) I’m not denying that I deserved that.
Cissy: Dude, there is a lot of females in our group… Now we’re three and three.
DM: Even Steven.

Faldoun introduces Celeste as a scout familiar with the north, who he rescued from jail to put to use for them.

Aliarra: Quick, rename her!
Aiden: …Did you play the Earthbound Party-Get music?
Aliarra: Yes.

Faldoun glares at her for her roguish ways, but introduces Celeste to the group, especially Pan, who likes ponies. Celesta and Cissy immediately annoy everyone.

Aiden: I’ve cast a Silence spell that only goes up three feet.
Celeste: God damn it.
Aliarra: YOU’RE MY HERO!

Since Aliarra’s mule vanished into mountspace ages ago, she requests another one. Aiden accidentally clocks Cissy in the face with I don’t even know what. They leave the tent to go find lodging for the night.

DM: The Banglasharans have set up a pavilion for you all to rest.
Aiden: I’m assuming this is a cat people, the showers are probably the best buildings in the place.
Aliarra: They’re just giant tongues.

Horse-hobbling jokes ensue as they walk past the stables. The stables themselves are chaotic and a flurry of activity.

DM: A wee little lad speeds up and runs full-force into Hanzo. And he barrels over. A little stable boy.
Aliarra: Hanzo, check your goods!
DM: And he’s like, “Oh, pardon me, my lord!” And runs off.
Hanzo: That better have been a good Sleight of Hand check.

With a Spot check, Hanzo manages to spot the kid slipping a note into his pocket. Aliarra offers to take him out… by which she means trip, allegedly.

Cissy: Hanzo’s like, “Stop that boy!” Cissy’s like, “Fireball!”
Aliarra: …while he’s two feet away.
Cissy: “Oops. Sorry…”
DM: The smoldering corpse of the stableboy lies there in the street.

After a brief diversion in which video capture is discussed, Cissy (of all people!) drags everyone’s attention back to the game at hand. Hanzo, of course, says nothing about the note.

Aliarra: What else is new. Hanzo, not betraying us, but constantly giving us reason to wonder if he has.

The DM passes Hanzo an actual note, then the characters head out to bed down for the night. They are awakened in the morning (to the tunes of Guilty Love from Apollo Justice, for some reason).

DM: A small keg of mead, dried beef and cheese and bread have been left for your breaking of fast.
Aliarra: (miming guzzling from a keg) What are you guys having?
Hanzo: I’m having mask for breakfast.
Aliarra: He says that as a joke, but in reality, long ago he killed the Mask and has been eating his body slowly every day.

Wolfing down the food, they head out of the pavilion to find Faldoun quaffing mead out of his horn. Aliarra prevents Celeste from backstabbing him. Faldoun tells them they will be encountering the Snowclaw clan, but Mrrshala misses this entirely because she isn’t paying attention.

Aliarra: “We’ll see you with the heart or in the next life. …or possibly sooner, if we happen to meet up before then.”
Faldoun: “We’ll see what fate spins. Godspeed.”
Aliarra: “Skeldricspeed.”
Faldoun: “OURgodspeed.”
Aliarra: Aiden is OFFENDED! We’ve seen what HIS god’s speed is!

They file some new minions into Aliarra’s minion pool, while people shout “Hail Dragon!” again.

Aiden: Like I say, I feel sorry for the wives—
Aliarra: Shut up about the wives!

Off they set! (With much irrelevant discussion of old campaigns along the way. And playing exactly according to FFIV.)

Aliarra: Just defend and soon you’ll be a better class, Hanzo. Wait, we already fought our fucking reflections in a fucking mirror chamber in this game!

On they travel for several hours. Ignir warns them that they might face worms, while in the background, Golbez’s music plays.

Aiden: Die in a fire, Aliarra. Die in a fire. Die in a fire.
Aliarra: I wasn’t even saying anything! I just like the music, I wasn’t trying to make any references to past douchebags!
Aiden: DIE IN A GODDAMN FIRE, ALIARRA.

The group accuses Aliarra of breaking her chair.

Aliarra: It was broken before I got here!
Cissy: Mmmhmm.
DM: Mmmhm.
Aliarra: Hanzo even commented that it was broken!
Aiden: Hanzo, did you say anything?
Hanzo: Dot dot dot.
Aiden: Exactly, he didn’t say a damn thing.
Aliarra: Son of a bitch!

Ignir runs off to scout further ahead, then returns after an hour. The directions get very confused, focused on the involvement of a lake that didn’t actually involve itself in the directions the group was following. Onwards, as evening creeps up!

Cissy: Cissy is making sure the minions know that the Baron, every night we pray for her to forever remain Baron, and it will come to her.

The game pauses for cake, which apparently no one knew they had. The night passes uneventfully, as is generally a rule when mooks are on watch.

Aiden: I don’t think you’re using these minions well. What’s the name of the leader from 300? Not the good one, but the bad one.
Hanzo: Xerxes?
Aiden: You should be Xerxesing it up. You should be sitting on a giant pyramid…
Aliarra: Sedan chair it is.
DM: A second day of marching. (terrible singing)
Mrrshala: What the hell was that?

They march! They camp! The next day dawns! TEEEEDIUUUUUUUUM!

Aiden: We each begin to feel—
Aliarra: THE NEED TO KILL!
Aiden: No, the scurvy set in as the lack of vitamin C begins to wear on the party.
DM: Your teeth fall out!

At last, a Listen check at night! Most of the group rolls well…

DM: Aliarra and Hanzo snooze quite soundly this evening.
Mrrshala: Me too, I take it, since Hanzo rolled an 18 and I rolled a 16.
DM: You rolled an 18?! I heard 8. …Aliarra snoozes heavily then! Everyone else is awoken.

Aiden starts drawing out the encampment with glee, while the usual scramble for miniatures ensues in the background. A long argument about Aliarra’s minions ensues, along with a debate over tactics for the final boss in Secret of Mana.

DM: For those of you who did awaken, you hear what sounds like a great bellow.
Aiden (making a horn noise)
DM: This is made by a living creature.
Aiden: (making a noise like dying bagpipes)
Aliarra: Mooooooooooo.
DM: Not too dissimilar from that… maybe not with the mooing.
Aiden: More “Oooohing”.
DM: A great howl. Initiative.

Mrrshala is in the can, as is inevitable when battle erupts, so everyone has to wait for her because they assume she will go first. Aiden takes note of a video Aliarra is playing, a video of a group covering ‘Meridian Dance’ from the Secret of Mana soundtrack.

Aiden: See, that’s fake. There’s an audience there.
Aliarra: (exploding) What do you mean ‘it’s fake, there’s an audience there’?!
DM: I love the reason.
Aiden: That’s all I had to do to break Aliarra, make a simple statement?!
Aliarra: (collapsed and gasping between sobbing laughter) That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard!
Aiden: She’s broken. See how I’ve won.
Aliarra: (incoherent babbling)

Mrrshala comes back and rolls for initiative. She goes first, shaking Aliarra awake and then scrambling out of the tent.

DM: You see Ignir, awake and alert.
Aiden: Surprised by you arriving, he swings his axe at you.
DM: He doesn’t carry an axe.
Aiden: He swings his weapon at you, dealing 3,118 points of damage.
DM: He notices you arrive and he says, “Trouble. Trouble afoot.”
Mrrshala: “What’s going on? I heard that…”
DM: “That… that was me. I believe a worm approaches.”

People pile out of their tents as the initiative cycles, moving out of the camp and into position. A Huge-sized worm emerges from the ground!

DM: Oh good, it actually hits the entire camp. Everybody, I need a Will save!
Aiden: Everybody’s plus 2 who’s within 10 feet of me.
Aliarra: Ah, this die is fired. Actually, I rerolled my Will save, 24. Much better than natural 1.
Aiden: Is that his breath weapon?
Aliarra: The Will breath weapon.
Aiden: Could be!
Aliarra: It breathes ennui.
DM: It bursts from the frozen earth and begins to trill a sonic emission from its head. You all feel your heads swim, but are unaffected otherwise.
Aliarra: (in a French accent) “I no longer have interest in the combat…”
DM: Cissy!
Aliarra: You shake off the ennui.
Cissy: I’m putting on my armor.
Aiden: Oh my god. Sweet lord Jesus.
Aliarra: You’re putting on your plate mail. That’s going to take a couple of minutes.
Cissy: What?! Never mind. So I lose my armor bonus for this combat…
Aliarra: Do not get up in melee. Maybe you should surrender to the ennui…

Cissy hurls a ranged touch attack while claiming she will miss; the group promises to kick her out if she misses a ranged touch attack on a Huge creature. Amusinngly, she crits it instead. Then she accidentally kills her familiar by casting a touch spell on it instead of for it…

Aliarra: What kind of a saving throw does a castle have to make to resist siege damage? A FORT save!
Hanzo: Kick her from where you are.
DM: If I was Dhalsim it would be done in a heartbeat.

Cissy engages in the futile hope that the worm has only 6 or fewer HD (as a single opponent against several 10th level characters). The others laugh at her. Mrrshala steps up to bat!

Mrrshala: It needs to make a Fort save at 16.
Aliarra: Otherwise it’s overcome with ennui.
DM: It makes it. It makes it like a champ.
Aiden: Because it fights the best. ‘Cuz it’s only a worm.
Aliarra: ‘Cuz a worm’s gotta learn to… soak it?
Aiden: Gotta believe when a worm gets tough…

Aliarra calls her armor, moves up, then uses White Raven Tactics on Mrrshala. She whacks it with Ruby Nightmare Blade. Hanzo steps up to look for a weakness in its armor, provoking the DM to make an incredibly racist joke.

Aliarra: You know what we haven’t talked about in a while? Hitler dead baby.

Hanzo piles in with some serious Sudden Strike damage, and then it’s Celeste’s turn. She rolls!

Celeste: 17 hit?
DM: No, actually, it does not.
Aiden: You have an attack bonus! You have to add the attack bonus!
Celeste: Ohhhh, shit, that’s right.

Her roll wanders at least up to 29, and she deals an amazing 6 points of damage.

Aiden: Did it kill it?
DM: No. It’s still got a decent amount.
Aiden: She cannot have Dragonslayer. If that thing fell down I would bring it back just so she didn’t get the kill strike on it. “Noo, dragon, come back! Kill it, Hanzo!”

Everyone appears to have given up explaining to Aiden that this is a worm, not a wyrm, because so far nothing has worked. For some reason the discussion turns to the very long-ago mind-controlling of Wes. I have no idea how.

Aliarra: So what’s going on, DM? Are we overcome with ennui?
DM: I – what?
Hanzo: Stop it.
DM: It reels back and spews forth a cone of ice. Aliarra, Mrrshala, Ignir I’m rolling for, and Aiden, reflex save.

It deals 62 damage, 31 on a save. Saves are pretty common, though.

Aliarra: So I take five points of damage.
Hanzo: (practically choking on his own tongue)
Aliara: (cracking up)
Hanzo: From 62 down to 5. How did you manage 57 point of resistance? I’m not saying you didn’t…
Aliarra: I saved, so it was half. We have Mass Aid, so it’s 10 less. And I have my delayed damage pool of 15, so net hit to my hit points was 6.

The worm retreats into the ground. The DM starts muttering that something is really going to suck and will probably kill all the mooks… who have not cleared the camp as Aliarra ordered.

Aliarra: (in a French accent) “We have no interest in following your orders any more, Aliarra.”
DM: Obviously they’re still affected by whatever it is it emitted.
Aliarra: (in a French accent) “Our days are nothing… but emptiness. I pray for the moment when the slightest ray of emotional sunshine shall beam forth into my black world once again.”
DM: Celeste, what are you doing?

Silence.

DM: Celeste stares off into space.
Mrrshala: Celeste…
Celeste: What? Ohh. God.
Aliarra: (in a French accent) “She is too full of ennui to take her actions.”
Celeste: I’m not used to being ever useful.

Celeste attempts to Listen to the ground and promptly rolls a 3. She is dubbed Pan. The worm bursts up! Aliarra somehow rolls a die off the table and into a bag repeatedly.

Aiden: This worm should be swallowing us whole, Final Fantasy VI style, and we should be going to another dungeon, finding another party member by the name of Gogo, who can mimic all our shit at any time. No? Okay…
DM: Armed with guisarme and ranseur, you both make a cross attack. It lets out a great hall of anger and pain!
Aliarra: I save. I am not afflicted by ennui.
DM: Shut uuuuup.
Aiden: The only person who saves is Jesus.
Aliarra: He succumbed to ennui on the cross, you know. (in a French accent) “Father… why have you forsaken me?”
DM: The moment your weapons pierce it and it dies, it begins to turn to ice. You hear its flesh crackling. And then it shatters outwards. Saving throws, please, Reflex.
Aliarra: Natural 20.
Mrrshala: Natural 20. Seriously, it’s right here.
Aiden: We know you rolled a natural 20, why do you have to prove it to us? You always roll natural 20s. I’m not worried… if it did 65 points of damage, the mooks would be dead. Celeste would be dead.
Celeste: No I wouldn’t. I’m up plus 10. I’d be barely alive.
DM: Well, it’s rolling terribly, so people might actually survive this.

Aliarra makes a terrible joke. Aiden tells her to burn in hell and die, in that order.

DM: If you did not save, 73 points of damage.
Cissy: 73?!
Hanzo: That would have killed me.
Celeste: Damn.
Aiden: I’m dead.
DM: By how much?
Aiden: 10.
DM: I’ll give you guys once chance to heal him up…

The DM commutes Aiden’s death, out of regret for accidentally slaying him with a random encounter. They quickly roll Heal checks on Aiden and Ignir.

Aiden: As they search Aiden’s body, they see a note: “Only female healers can touch this body.”
Aliarra: Welp, time to dig the grave.
DM: Just pour a potion down his fucking throat.
Aliarra: (through clenched teeth) I dig the grave.

Next time, actual plot!