Aliarra: (rolling) 2,400. Does that hit?
DM: No.
Aliarra: (rolling) 6,288. Does that hit?

The PCs have arrived in Sintarsis, the northern continent, as the astute reader may recall, where they have met up with Faldoun and the northern expedition. A honking in the background prompts Aiden’s demands for entertainment.

Aiden: What’s the military – the USO show? This is a D&DO show. Just clowns. Clowns and the local mimes.
Aliarra: Yeah, the local Sintarsis mimes. What a thriving industry up here.
Aiden: No one wants to talk, they’re too busy brr-ing.
Aliarra: If they freeze their tongues off they still have a means of communication.
DM: Dinner is served. It’s greasy and meat, that’s all you need to know.
Aiden: I haven’t had one of these dishes since my time in Banglashar. Hopefully when this is all over they’ll remember me for something besides promiscuous activities.
Aliarra: “This is Aiden. The most promiscuous Banglasharan molester in HISTORY! …also a hero.”

Hanzo overhears curious gossip about a literate peasant, and goes to shake down some suspicious stableboys with ties to the mysterious M.B. Hanzo is being oddly quiet during this transcription, so it’s hard to make out. They sleep for a short night before being awakened in the morning by a recruit (beat-boxing the Battletoads pause music, for some reason) for a meeting with Faldoun. Banglasharans join them for the meeting!

Aiden: Hold on a sec, how come my Banglasharan senses haven’t been going off? What the fuck is going on here?
Aliarra: They’ve been dulled by constant proximity.
Aiden: I’m like, “Lllllaaaadies.”
DM: The Banglasharan is all-black and has his arm in a sling.
Aiden: All the husbands!
DM: But he is standing tall and proud.
Hanzo: Uh-oh. Many Banglasharans died to get this information to us…
Aliarra: He’s come to take Mrr back. He is to be… her groom.
Mrrshala: What?!
Aiden: That’d be a hilarious side story. “We’re not here to help. We’re here to arrest that man.”
DM: If you all want to see the map on the table, there it is there…
Aiden: Is there a bunch of small flags on it? Can I click it to get waypoints?
DM: No.
Aiden: Damn it, DM.

Faldoun introduces them to Domrr, a Soottail from the north. Their tribe has been sacked by minotaurs! The characters debate strategy: minotaurs are sweeping from the north, to be met with Banglasharans from the south. However, a group of minotaurs has broken off from the main host, and this is of some concern! The minotaurs are planning to assault a motte-and-bailey keep from both sides, and Faldoun’s army will intercept the main force while the heroes stop the force heading for the read entrance. They inquire about mounts.

Aliarra: “Even a regular horse will do just fine. Anything we can stick Cissy on to take care of her short-leg problem.”
Cissy: Cissy will cast Tenser’s Floating Disc and we will tie it behind someone’s horse, and they will drag it along.
DM: You hear a great big huff in the back. A great big hand picks you up and puts you on his shoulder.
Aliarra: And impales you on a horn! That would be steady.
DM: “I will carry her.”
Aliarra: “I’m so sorry, but thank you.”
Cissy: “THANK YOOOOU!”
Aliarra: He foolishly put that next to his ears.
Cissy: Cissy’s going to be singing for him.
Aliarra: Oh my god, he’s going to turn evil.
Cissy: I rolled a 27 to sing a song that Ignir will find pleasing during our journey.
Aliarra: How can she sing that well and talk that badly?

Silence. Cissy has no answer, which cracks everyone up.

DM: The dice don’t like, man! T

Faldoun dismisses them. Aliarra threatens to go back to sleep.

Aliarra: No, no, I shouldn’t go back to sleep. I go find the hammer.
DM: The hammer?
Aliarra: Yes, to break the ice, so I can have a bath.

Everyone starts using pretzels as cigars, because when you spend all your time pretending, it starts coming easier and easier. Everyone laughs at the word “duty”. A couple of hours pass, and the army marches out! After some time marching, the group clumsily mounts up and moves alongside Faldoun.

Aliarra: I’ll keep a careful eye on Mrrshala.
Mrrshala: Why are you keeping an eye on me? I’m fine! I’ll get on my goddamn horse.
Aliarra: Because if I turn my back on you for a second, you’ll try to convince Faldoun to wed me.
Hanzo: I’m just standing in the saddle.
Aliarra: Balance checks!
Hanzo: I can make those better than Ride checks!

Nothing happens for a while, which as any reader of the game reports knows, means the discussion gets really weird.

Aliarra: That’s why he’s so calm and relaxed all the time! Constant masturbation!

Cissy tries to convince Ignir to run to the entire head of the army just because, but he won’t have any of it.

DM: Around midday, the army takes a moment to slow down.
Aliarra: ‘Cuz one guy up front saw a snake. “Aaaah!” (miming each row of soldiers hitting the backs of the one in front of them) “Wouldn’t it be kind of cold for a snake?” “Yeah, turns out it was actually a stick.

The DM briefly takes a moment to clarify some points about the army. Aiden has a horrible revelation.

Aiden: Oh my god, we’re in Prince Arthas’s forces going to Northrend. Jesus Christ, we’re going to die.
Aliarra: Faldoun will turn on us and sink our ships.
Aiden: “Faldoun, where did you find that sword? It looks fucking evil as hell.” “It’s not that bad at all. Just telling me to kill people.”
Aliarra: “Where’s the dwarf that was with us…?”

The army marches on, to the accompaniment of TERRIBLE marching songs. Aiden discovers that thanks to a bookkeeping error, he is now Baronet of Prole. The DM calls on everyone to check their sleeping gear arrangements. Between they have three tents, enough for six people. Cissy threatens to cast Mass Fire Shield, but Ignir grimly allows her to bunk in his tent. The night passes! Aliarra defaces the map with a ludicrous compass rose. The groups splits from the main force of the army as planned.

DM: And on you march, continuing on the… you wouldn’t call it a road, it’s more of an up-hewn path. But now you’re heading off into the northern wilderness. The trees are starting to get thick, evergreens on either side. The sun becomes less severe. And again, it’s cold and bitter outside. And near the end of the day, Ignir gives up the call. “I see the lake!”

They elect to continue on as long as possible! Aliarra snarks at Cissy.

Cissy: “Aliarra’s just jealous because she can’t get near anyone’s crotch.”
Aiden: Ohhhhh, sn-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-ap.
Aliarra: What?
DM: Cinnamon snaps?
Aiden: Damn straight.
Mrrshala: Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Aiden: Nobody can see why Banglasharans like Cinnamon Toast Crunch!
DM: One peeks out from the forest. “WE JUST DO!”

The DM tells everyone to mark off a ration… then shakes his head at their response.

DM: And Aliarra is the only one doing it. Eesh.
Aliarra: I mark off a sunrod. It’s a light snack.
DM: I like how you were laughing at your own joke.
Aliarra: I was laughing at the expression on your face, honestly.
Aiden: It’s a pity I didn’t have my Create Water spell when I was doing all my Banglasharans Gone Wild videos.

They march on, and around midday hit a spot where the trees seem to be cleared up ahead. Ignir halts – declaring battle to be engaged up ahead! The DM begins drawing the encounter out on the battle mat. The players immediately declare a battering ram to be a giant wang, to his annoyance. Lots, and lots, and lots of minotaurs go down on the map.

DM: You crest the hill, and are brought about this site. The gate definitely indeed stands before you, under siege from a battering ram.
Aliarra: A battering wang.
Pan: If we’re gonna engage these guys, I’d like to cast a spell or two.
DM: As you are ascending the hill, I will allow it.

Cissy is shocked at just how many people are on the field on both sides, but quickly realizes Aliarra’s mooks aren’t there. Aliarra points out how worthless they’d be here.

Cissy: Can’t we just give ‘em bows and tell ‘em to start shooting?
Hanzo: No, they’d be useless.
DM: They have a chance to hit…
Hanzo: They’re not overnight-replaceable like some other mooks.
Aliarra: Yeah, if I waste their lives I get penalized.
Cissy: Got it. Unlike the other one, where it’s like, “Oh man, I just lost 70 mooks.”
Aliarra: I never wasted their lives there either.
Cissy: Yeah, but you should have.

The players stare at a large trench dug between them and the minotaurs, wondering how to cross it. Aliarra has a magic item to fly, which is about it. They lob a few buffs out, enlarges and mass aids, then spot a bridge discarded in the pit. Ignir, first to act, lobs a javelin and misses, while Hanzo leaps over the trench with a good roll. Pan calculates distances!

Pan: How far is the farthest one?
Aliarra: 80 feet from the edge of the trench.
Cissy: 100 feet from where you’d be standing.
Pan: All right! They’re all in range.
Aliarra: You and Cissy have lightning bolts prepared, you can just fire lightning bolts through one of them.
Pan: You betch!
DM: Aliarra, 36 damage as two very large arrows now protrude out of your body. And one protrudes out of Ignir now as well. The giant battering ram is dropped and big ol’ battle axes are drawn.

Hanzo uses a ki dodge to avoid a charging minotaur, then Aliarra’s psion minion drops a giant energy wall across the entire battlefield, between them and the minotaurs to cut off their vision and cause some damage.

DM: And you guys can see through it?
Aliarra: No.
Aiden: It’s a one-way burning wall, that would be awesome!

Mrrshala springs across the trench! Aiden vaults over the trench! Cissy… slams face-first into the rules for metamagic for spontaneous casters, but starts gearing up an acid-electric orb. Floating forward, Aliarra rolls terribly!

Aliarra: It is 20 to hit.
DM: No, I’m sorry—
Aliarra: Twenty… 22 to hit.
Aiden: +1 from Mass Aid.
Aliarra: 23.
DM: That hits.

After much plotting, Pan lobs a lightning bolt through a pair of minotaurs, then Hanzo cuts through a minotaur as if it were butter!

Aiden: Uh-oh. Is their poison on that kama?
Hanzo: (sadly) No…

Cissy bitterly complains about the wall of fire, while Aiden predicts the minotaurs will deploy a Frostbrand weapon. Hanzo is in trouble!

DM: The minotaur pulls his huge greataxe and swings down.
Aliarra: (playing a sound effect) FATALITY.
DM: The first strike does 27 points of damage, and the second one misses.
Aliarra: But still kills you!
DM: The archer at the far end, can you move him around the fire?
Aiden: Are these guys wielding the great bows from Dark Souls?
DM: They look very similar.
Aiden: Fucking shooting out lances at us. Those arrows look ridiculous.
DM: 26 damage as another arrow pierces you, Aliarra.
Aliarra: These bows ARE insane.
DM: They’re huge composite bows.

A minotaur steps through the wall, leading to an immense discussion over whether the minotaur is overrunning, bull rushing, or what the hell he’s doing. This simple action gets very complicated and sucks away about fifteen minutes of game time. Aliarra gets shot for another 20-odd point of damage… and no other signs of movement occur. The minotaurs behind the wall don’t seem in any hurry to race across it. It’s the psion’s turn.

Aliarra: A 22 hits, correct?
DM: Yes sir.
Aliarra: All right. That guy right there, she just hit him with the bridge.

Silence.

Aiden: Okay….
DM: The one right below it?
Aliarra: She hurled it at him.
DM: How much damage does a bridge do, Aliarra? Riddle me this.
Aliarra: How much did it weight, 200 pounds? 8d6.
Cissy: Hey, can you set the bridge up so we can cross it, too?
Aliarra: No.
Aiden: It just destroyed it. Gone.
Aliarra: No it’s not.
Aiden: Oh.
Hanzo: It doesn’t explode.
Aiden: That’s what it did in my mind…
DM: I have to say, this is probably the first time in any of our games someone has been hit with a bridge.
Aiden: I dunno, it’s kind of hard to topple ‘ball of peasants’.
DM: True.
Pan: I think I’m gonna try something cute next time…
DM: (singing the My Little Pony theme song)

Cissy hurls an electric acid fireball, which I’m not sure exactly how that works – it’s probably an acid orb of electricity. She promptly rolls 14 on 5d8, disgusting everyone, and all told delivers 37 damage to one archer, then lobs a fireball into the fray. I’m – I’m not sure exactly what happens after that…

DM: Armored hands grope your boobs, and get stabbed.

Aiden takes 29 points of damage, while Cissy resolves her fireball to the tune of 45. The minotaur survives!

DM: They’re barely holding on.
Cissy: Is this guy still alive?! I nailed him with an electric acidball AND two fireballs!
DM: He wasn’t that hurt, though. He was almost full.
Cissy: But I hit him with electric acid AND two fireballs!

Aliarra slaps a minotaur around, some other actions are taken like healing, and then…

DM: Pan, what do you want to do while Cissy’s thinking?
Pan: I want to kill EVERYTHING.
DM: Well, do it.
Aiden: You want to be casting, I believe the spell is called, “Hurricane”. It’s a 100 foot AOE radius…
Pan: Okay, I’m casting Hurricane. Everyone save or die.
Aiden: …I’m joking, Pan.
Pan: I know, I don’t have that spell…

The discussion grinds to a halt as they struggle with not knowing what’s behind the wall of fire. Cissy demands the psion set up the bridge so everyone could cross it for like the fourth time, and again they explain that the power doesn’t work that way. Hanzo decides to unleash some blindness on his surroundings!

Hanzo: …and I guess that’s going to include Mrrshala.
Mrrshala: Oh Christ – natural 20.
Hanzo: Why even have her roll?
Pan: Can I borrow your dice? Like, forever?
Aiden and Aliarra: It only works for her.
Cissy: You don’t understand. She rolls 1d4. Plus 16. That is her minimum roll.

Someone takes 21 damage, while an arrow misses Aliarra. Cissy angrily attempts to cast Coudklill. The last minotaur on this side of the fire wall drops… and with a dozen or so still on the other side and the hour quite late, they quickly snap a picture of the battlefield to continue – NEXT TIME!