This is the 80s Cartoon game – where each session is its own self-contained episode, the characters trade in and out, everything is made up, and the points don’t matter. Thanks to recording difficulties, an episode of this ‘show’ went missing – the PCs were called upon to stop bandits who were preying on an innocent mining town. The last session had ended with them putting the whomp on some villains, but one of them had escaped! The game begins… with commercials.

Karmus: Oh man! Cheez-Its! Let me get some of those! WAIT A MINUTE – DUOS?!
Krenalket: It’s Rollo, it’s Rollo – rollity rollity roll!
Karmus: We’re terrible at writing commercials, aren’t we?

Krenalket attempts to eat a Rollo without taking the wrapper off, and it goes poorly for him. The group convenes around two dead and one stable but negative-HP bandit.

Bellrill: Apparently he gave off a death fart. He’s dead.
Krenalket: I question your defelition of the term ‘stablization’ if a fart is enough to…
DM: I have no defalitions, but I do have a loot deposition. Which one of you has tasked yourself with taking it?

They gathering up their booty – a cloak of Dexterity +1, studded leather armor, a shield…

DM: One hundred gold pieces.
Krenalket: Hunnerd gold.
DM: 400 silver pieces.
Krenalket: 40 gold.
DM: And 816 copper pieces.
Krenalket: 8 gold.
DM: I was kidding about the copper pieces.
Karmus: Well it’s getting written down!

Krenalket detects magic within the hill! Suspecting a cave, they spread out and start looking for answers.
 
Krenalket: “Let us seek out the answers to this mystery! …Sir Killian, that’s who it was.”
DM: (exasperated noise)

No sooner do they go looking than they step on a trap door, and one quick Reflex save later, they send Karmus down. Peregrinus also attempts to head on down!

DM: Karmus, as you and Pere both attempt to be the first one in, you find yourselves stuck! The two of you have wedged yourselves into the hole.
Krenalket: I cast Grease!
Bellrill: Not exactly the best idea, fellas.
DM: This is the part in the cartoon where the goofy sound effects would commence.
Krenalket: “Welp, Strength checks for us, let’s push ‘em down!”
DM: And Krenalket’s just bouncing on top of them…
Krenalket: 18.
DM: Down you all go, caught in an Ewok’s net.

Inside they find all the accoutrements of a hideout – beds, cots, garbage, and miscellaneous. Two beds and three cots seem to indicate more enemies than they had faced! Krenalket voices his concerns.

Krenalket: We’ve figured out who the villain of the next Star Wars movie is going to be. Midichlorito, Master of Midichlorians. He can fly by repelling himself from midichlorians. Not too handy when there aren’t Jedi around…
Karmus: I was thinking he would tear the midicholorians out of people like he did to Wolverine’s adamantium…
Krenalket: “There are five beds here, yet we only encountered four of them.”
Karmus: “Maybe one’s the dragon’s…”

Tracking the magical auras, they find a mace, which is immediately declared to be leader of the Decepticons for some reason. Peregrinus, with the power of High Rolling, spots a small pouch beneath a cot. Inside is a deep blue spinel – Bellrill appraises it at 500 gold! Also a potion and a copper horn. Bellrill keeps rolling Appraise for the horn.

Bellrill: 32.
Karmus: That’s the third 20 he’s fucking rolled on that thing!
Bellrill: It’s a monster!
Krenalket: We’re in trouble in combat. 2… 1… he’ll be drinking his flask instead of throwing them.
DM: I want to fill my cup with your tears.
Krenalket: Hasn’t that been your motto from the beginning?
Bellrill: He told me how he was going to plunge into the dark side of DMing. Just jump right in. He now lives off your misery, Krenalket. Just slurps it up like some tasty beverage.

The horn is cheap, and they also find a mysterious piece of cloth – a tanglepatch! And that’s it.

Krenalket: Seems there’s still two of them out there, then. The rogue who fled, and the blackguard who serves with him.

A very long pause.

Krenalket: As the… you know, VILLAIN, not the class.
DM: I was thinking the class. “Did I give it away, somehow…?”

Lacking other options, they choose to tie up their prisoner and haul him back to town, so that he might be imprisoned and potentially interrogated.

DM: You tie him up and make your way back to Yumaville, your prisoner in tow, your hearts high! Kratin is already composing –
Bellrill: Whose wife is responsible this time?
Krenalket: Sir Killian’s!
Peregrinus: It’s Lucy.
DM: Indeed, as you return to town, the she-gnome squawks as she notices not only the two she was familiar with before, but MORE armed adventurers coming into town with a bound man in town.
Peregrinus: “Fear not, Sister Lucy, for these are my companions.”
DM: Lucy looks strangely and curiously at the cross-eyed gnome who’s with you.
Krenalket: “Hail!”
DM: Before she can even sputter a reply, her legs have already started taking her in search of whoever she spills her gossip to.

As a crowd gathers, Lucy brings back Sheriff Hutch. Karmus is delighted!

Karmus: I speak at him in Dwarf. “Greetin’s, kinsman.”
DM: “Ach! Ah at last, someone I can use me accent with!”
Karmus: “Oh, that’s a deep one too, I like it.”
Krenalket: Guess who’s an inferior dwarf now, Karmus. Better deepen it up, it’s an accent-off!
Karmus and DM: (completely and utterly unintelligible, such that the transcriber openly curses)

Krenalket cracks his usual line about how his accent should have faded, and the DM responds by stripping his accent away and leaving a hopelessly bland tone. The scene abruptly freezes as Odin returns them to Asgard with mighty gonging blows of his staff. Someone fills a bowl up with, I think, Rollos.

Karmus: That’s like the best Wendy’s salad ever!
Bellrill: “Would you like that dipped in caramel or dipped in hot chocolate sauce?”
Karmus: “Yes.”
Krenalket: Just pour a Frosty over it.
Peregrinus: “Would you like whipped cream on them, sir?”
Bellrill: Maybe Hardee’s would do something like that!
Krenalket: (bursts into completely inappropriate laughter) I don’t know why, but Hardee’s is hilarious! (collapsing onto the table and laughing for several minutes) God damn I’m tired…

Heironeous, absurdly boisterous, welcomes them back and praises them for their efforts. After allowing them time to drop unwanted items back in their Asgardian homes, he passes them off to none other…

DM: A gnome deity, in fact. The one those of you familiar specifically know as—
All: GAAAAARL GLITTERGOOOOOOOLD.

Garl helpfully identifies their items while being a jerk about it. Krenalket, being a gnome even if he worships Boccob, sucks up!

Krenalket: “Oh mighty lord of my people, what task have you for us?”
Karmus: An ass-kisser, fantastic!
Krenalket: Oh yeah, let’s see how YOU talk when Moradin shows up.
Karmus: Same way, I’m not gonna lie. I’m gonna kiss that god’s ass.
Bellrill: Damn it, I didn’t put down a deity…
DM: “As you may or may not know, evil is escalating across all planes, and making it very difficult for us to try to maintain order. I have decided to seek help in one of the most dangerous of places. But in order for me to do this, we need to engage in some skullduggery…? Anyone up for that?”
Peregrinus: “Sure!”
Krenalket: “I’m good!”
Karmus: “I’m in!”
Bellrill: “As am I.”
DM: Gambling? I’m in!

Bellrill considers his options for a deity, but upon discovering his options are pretty much Boccob and Garl, pitches an angry fit. Their target is a former associate of Garl’s, a wealthy gnome named Mickel, aka the Chief.

DM: “He currently resides in the royal palace of Monaco, and he’s called a gathering. He keeps himself wealthy and he throws an event every so often, and during this bash he takes the money of a lot of wealthy individuals.”
Karmus: Is this Casino Royale?
DM: Shut up.

The Chief has put up the Key to Sigil as a prize for winning the tournament, and so they have to win! Trickier still…

DM: “See, you’re not going to actually be entered into the tournament. You’re gonna have to pose as some of the folks who are. Which means you’re gonna have to do a bit of sneakery, if you know what I mean!”
Karmus: “Thundergrip. Karmus Thundergrip.”
Krenalket: “Kapastroph. Kenleret—ah, I’m not even trying.”
Karmus: “I’ll take a beer. And I swear to god if you shake or stir that son of a bitch, I’ll kill you.”
Krenalket: “Milkshake. Shaken, not stirred.”

Without delay, Odin pops them down to a township overlooking the magnificent ocean. A human with olive hair and a rakish beard approaches them as they make their way to the palace.

DM: “Well, you’re just in time, come on, let’s make it to the palace. We’ve got to get you into your disguises.”
Karmus: “Can I be Colonel Mustard?”
DM: “Well, I’m afraid it’s not that easy.”
Karmus: (frustrated groan)
Bellrill: “You have to be Lady Scarlet.”
DM: “You’re going to be Mr. Bunt.”
Karmus: “Maybe I could be Professor Plum.”
DM: “There won’t be any murdering here.”
Karmus: “Awwww. All right, get us back!” Oh wait, I keep forgetting I’m Lawful in this campaign.

The figure – Ollidarma – takes them into the palace and to some lush chambers where their disguises await, and bids them prepare.

DM: “You, sir, are going to be – “ And he hands you a small scrip after he finishes reading from it – “Purvelton Packentire!”
Krenalket: “Purvelton Packentire I shall be!”
DM: “Yes, you’re one of the big-shot gnome mercantiles of this neck of the woods. Now which one of you is Bellrill? Ah, the big one! I have here for you, sir—“
Karmus: “Adam LeStrange.” What?
Krenalket: Question. Is the world not enough for me?
DM: “Dirge Rotgut. Hoity toity tribal mystic.”
Bellrill: What am I?
Peregrinus: Tribal mystic!
DM: Think the Incan guy that looks at the sun and then waves his hands around, and then doesn’t actually do anything. Just collects all the money.
Karmus: “Me have-um full house.” …that’s pretty racist.
DM: “The stout and hearty dwarf! I have here for you, sir…”
Krenalket: You’ll be Hearty Dernt.
DM: “You’ll be a mister Hurgan Blackforge. He’s the tops of the black market in these parts.”

Amused by this name, the players speak like the Swedish Chef for a while, and Peregrinus gets his assignment.

DM: “We’re going to need you to be a Father Darius Rothchild. He’s known far and wide as the shyster clergyman of the temple of Pelor. Has a wonderful pair of lungs, which he uses to make all sorts of false promises and such!”
Peregrinus: “A good pair of lungs, you say.”
DM: “Well, he leads the choir, but I don’t suppose any of that will be necessary for you. It’s all up to you I suppose. Just don’t mess it up! Heh heh heh!”
Karmus and Krenalket: “Ha ha ha ha ha ha!”

Silence broken only by the DM’s hysterical gasps.

Krenalket: Laugh with us, Bellrill!
Everyone but Bellrill: “Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!”
Bellrill: Ha. Ha. Ha.

Properly garbed, they get their buy-ins for the game (Karmus takes some reminding that he’s Lawful before he stops running for the hills with it). They head into a crowd of numerous beings from across the planes. The characters begin schmoozing as Krenalket, who is really tired, cracks up over nothing for the third time tonight.

DM: At the moment, everyone’s avenues of interest… everyone’s trying to get a few moments with Abage, the sentient ooooooze.
Peregrinus: From Ghoere?

The discussion diverts to paraelemental planes, of which Ooze is one. This makes sense. Then it goes to the Herculoids. Peregrinus hams it up.

Peregrinus: “Well, my friend, that depends on if Pelor smiles on me or not!”
DM: “Ah yes! Pelor, that stuffy old – I mean…”
Krenalket: Come on, give him the thunder and brimstone!
DM: Yeah. Pelor appears.
Peregrinus: “No, you understand. The might of my god shall SHINE DOWN UPON MEEE!”
DM: “Well hopefully he shines down on some shiny cards.”
Peregrinus: “Or shiny GOOOOLD. The color of his BEAMS, the mighty sun!”
DM: “Ha, you really are as bombastic as everyone’s heard!”

The banter leads around to Bellrill, and the NPC – I think it’s the ooze – addresses the would-be mystic.

DM: “How’s a tribal mystic come up with a hundred thousand gold buy-in?”

Dead silence.

Krenalket: Uh-oh. Uh-oh!
Peregrinus: This is where he cracks his neck and just stares at him.
Krenalket: This isn’t going well at all.
Bellrill: I already said! You want me to say more!
DM: Huh?
Bellrill: I said, “I make my own luck.”
DM: I didn’t hear…
Krenalket: I don’t think you actually said it. I think in your head you thought, “This would be a great retort,” and then a moment later you forgot you hadn’t set it.
Bellrill: I said it, just no one listened.

It gets really, really weird and awkward. Suddenly a bell peals through the chamber!

Krenalket: “Anh!” (really, just a strange sort of grunt)
Karmus: (bursting into laughter) What kind of reaction was that?!

A drow welcomes everyone and bids them advance to the challenge. The four of them and the Chief are shown to the table as they continue to ham it up.

Bellrill: The other people around the characters should be our other game characters. Barack…
DM: Barack didn’t get invited.
Bellrill: What?
Krenalket: “It’s chump change to me. After all, the real key to Sigil is wealth. A few good trade relations and, heh! The City of Doors is wiiiiide open.”

A silence as everyone stares at Krenalket.

Krenalket: “Wiiiiiiiiiiiide open.”

This cracks everyone up. The DM explains that surprise, it’s Texas hold ‘em, and they will be using the Chief’s… special deck. It’s a minor version of the Deck of Many Things, in fact. Veeery minor.

DM: We call this the Deck of Mini Things!

Quite prepared, the DM distributes poker chips to everyone. Poker begins! …it isn’t super-interesting from a transcription point of view, to be honest.

Karmus: …I don’t think we get to keep the gold afterwards.
DM: You can ask Ollidarma about that.
Krenalket: Yes, we second-level characters should have 500,000 gold.
Bellrill: There’s no shops in this plane, so we have to go to other planes, and this gold’s only worth one-tenth the gold…
DM: Oh, there’s shops here, but everything costs fifty times what it should be. That’s why your gold disappears.
Krenalket: I shouldn’t have bought this cigar.
DM: Yes, that pretzel cost you a fine 10,000 gold pieces.
Krenalket: Crashed Airship. You’ve broken the bank. Asgard is bankrupt on your tab!
DM: That’s a $65,000 drink!
Krenalket: We go back up to Asgard, Odin’s like, “I should reward you, but…” Turns out his empty pockets.
DM: The rainbow bridge is now just shades of grey…

No one will claim this is quality poker playing.

Krenalket: “I’m afraid I’m not done fleecing you yet. Where’s my shrimp cocktail?”
DM: Heh heh heh, shrimp cocktail. A gnome would want one small, wouldn’t he?
Karmus: It comes out in this humongous jar... er, glass. Prawns the size of your fist.
DM: King prawn!
Karmus: “I’ll have what he’s having.”
DM: You got your stack of chips?
Krenalket: Yeah, I got ‘em. As denoted by the fact that I have chips in front of me again.
DM: You’re gonna build a bin.
Peregrinus: Go swimming in it.
Krenalket: But I won’t have an accent because I’ve spent too long around normal people.
Peregrinus: God damn it, stop making me snort.

Peregrinus wins with a full house, to his surprise, because he has no idea what the hell he’s doing (and yells as much). The game devolves into taunts and chicken noises. Krenalket bitterly accuses Peregrinus of stealing his luck all their lifetimes. Bellrill leads the group in a rousing song about how they’re the best! Aroooound! Running out of money and realizing they need a victory, Bellrill quickly uses a Sleight of Hand roll to swap a card into Karmus’s hand.

DM: Amidst the confusion, your deception does not seem to have been spotted.
Krenalket: Moments later… (playing the Chariots of Fire music and miming running from pursuit)
Belrill: I’m just making things interesting for you, DM. I could be boring if you wanted me to.
DM: “What was that, Dirge?!”
Bellrill: “Ah, it was an accident. Look, I got it cleaned up already—“
Krenalket: Dude! Crazier! Crazier! You’re a priest! Crazier!
Bellrill: “WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? ARE YOU OUTSIDE YA MIND?” – What am I, from Jersey now? “Whaddya talking about? There ain’t nothin’ goin’ on. Are you accusin’ me of somethin’?”
Krenalket: Rip out his heart! Rip out his heart and sacrifice it!
Bellrill: “I could use me a heart for my next sacrifice!”

Bellrill angrily declares himself to be Shaman of Swampy Jersey. The victory in this round comes with several special cards in play, and the DM has to take a moment to calculate what results come from this. Karmus is out!

Bellrill: “Look at that. I won, maybe? Bad things happen to me all the time. Last week, I had a heart attack.”
Krenalket: “Was it yours?”
Bellrill: “No! I just had one in my hand.”

Bellrill ponders swapping out cards from a separate deck to cheat, despite not having a separate deck and a separate dealer being responsible for the shuffling.?

Karmus: “Why are the backs all different colors?”
Krenalket: The Chief, a poor loser, challenges us to 52-Card Pickup.

Krenalket goes all in and is the next to be removed. The remaining two force the Chief out, ensuring victory for themselves, and the DM rolls for the victory rather than play more out. It goes to Peregrinus, to no one’s surprise.

DM: The Chief joins everyone else in applauding the masterful play of Darius Rothchild.
Karmus: Hey, nuts to that, I’m fucking sulking over the bar still.
DM: And now everyone knows how he keeps the Temple of Pelor afloat. By cheating at cards!
Krenalket: Soy NINJA! (hurling a sauce packet) Of course, it only works if they choose to drink it after I throw it at them. And the only way it works is by raising their blood pressure through the saltiness. Nevertheless, still an effective assassination technique. Double Soy Star!
Bellrill: (weariest of sighs)
Karmus: Crotch sauce.
Krenalket: That got real awkward real fast.
Karmus: One for each nut.
Krenalket: Salt goes in, salt comes out.

The DM makes changes to character sheets, then passes them back. The players promptly… fail to figure out the changes.

DM: You people have no idea what’s on your sheets!

The discussion sidetracks into other settings, like Forgotten Greyloftlance.

DM: What’s the sand one called? Or the desert one called?
Karmus: Al-Qadim.
DM: Darksun, that’s right.
Krenalket: …Really, you went to Al-Qadim before Darksun? Wow. How the hell?
Karmus: I really liked the Al-Qadim game… Look, I don’t know why Al-Qadim came first. Maybe I just hate bald dwarves.

They return the key to Ollidarma, who cheerfully disbelieves they did it but congratulates them nonetheless – and takes the gold back to return it to Garl Glittergold.

DM: You don’t hear the thump of a staff this time, Ollidarma—
Karmus: Slays you.
Krenalket: That’s how we have to get back every time. (mimes dying) “Looks like Team Asgard’s blasting off agaaaaaain!”
DM: Gaaaaaaaarl Glittergooooooooooooold can hardly believe you were victorious.
Karmus: And I step in front of him, hold up the key, and snap it. No, just kidding.
DM: “That key cannot be destroyed, Karmus, son of…”
Karmus: Natural 20!
Bellrill: No, it has to be Dirk, just out of nowhere. “No one can snap it.” All of a sudden Dirk grabs it, snap, walks out of the game.

Garl gazes at the key in rapture… then remembers they’re all there and reluctantly gives them a reward.

DM: “Let me see all your sheets again.” Minus four on all saving throws?! Damn you, Gaaaaaaarl Glittergooooooold.
Karmus: “Name your reward and it shall be yours!” “I would like the Key to Sigil, please.”
Krenalket: “I’d like two Keys of Sigil, please.”
DM: “Well. You’ve all certainly earned a small period of rest.”

Silence.

Karmus: “Aaaaand that’s enough. On to your next job.”
DM: What awaits our heroes at their lodging?
Bellrill: A mini-statue of the gnome we defeated!
Krenalket: Let’s go to our lodging. It would only be LODGE-ical.
DM: And with that, everyone groans and they cut to the end credit montage. With clips from the show you don’t actually remember seeing.
Krenalket: Some guy firing lasers. A dramatic rolls through a door.
DM: Karmus dueling some minotaur that’s never been in the show.
Krenalket: Peregrinus with two ladies on his arms…
DM: David will be the Sven of this series. He’s in the first two episodes, and then he vanished.