Thanks to equipment problems, a session of this game was lost to the ether! In summary, the adventurers sought a teleport from Denelos back to the Mages’ Guild, where they intended to bunker down and await their enemies’ next move to acquire the parts of Kalroth. However, something went wrong with the teleport, and the group found themselves in a mysterious cavern area. On advancing, they eventually found a mysterious altar to Kalroth! While Aiden worked to open it by inserting magic items and spells associated with different sphere of magic, the rest of the group fought a pitched battle against a creature with much too high a movement rate and height advantage, as well as paralytic darts. They finally defeated it, just as Aiden completed the puzzle and caused a staircase to rise to the wall!

DM: YOU SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH WHEN BILLY MAYS IS TALKING!
Aiden: He was a hero. The myth, the man, the legend… Billy Mays.
DM: As you may remember, last time you were assaulted by a nasty creature that tried to nickel-and-dime you to death. Unfortunately, it made the mistake of going into melee with you all. I had to cut it out, that’s why I stopped. It was getting annoying, even I was all, “Man, this creature’s really fucking annoying. Let me just end this.”
Hanzo: It was pretty cool that it was handling all of us.
Aliarra: To be fair, it had the major advantage of our TERRIBLE rolling that night.
DM: Yeah, you guys were rolling pretty terribly.

They clamber up the stairs, finding a wall covered in vines at its high end, which they immediately brush aside.

Hanzo: Kick it in.
DM: And you brush them aside—
Hanzo: Fortitude save!
Aliarra: Roll a new character!
DM: As they wrap around your neck.
Hanzo: Choose Your Own Adventure style.
DM: And you brush them aside and reveal what seems to be a large—
Aliarra: Mellon.
DM: ….door.

A pause.

Aliarra: Which opens.
DM: A pair of large goddamn doors, shut up! With a big old bass relief in it. No, not a fish. (apparently unaware that ‘bas-relief’ has a silent ‘s’) “Give me that Filet-O-Fish, gimme that fish!” Now it’s all stuck in your head.

They study the relief, finding one figure in the center with the sun for the head and the moon for a smile, flanked by four figures and with smaller ones in the front representing most races.

Aliarra: 22 on Knowledge(religion).
Aiden: Can’t you let me do Knowledge(religion), since I have the higher rank?
Aliarra: How many ranks do you have?
Aiden: 9.
Aliarra: I have 12 ranks in Knowledge(religion).
Aiden: Why.
Aliarra: Because I’m a crusader! Religion’s kind of a thing of mine!
Aiden: I’ll just stop rolling those, then.
Aliarra: I didn’t say to stop rolling them! You can also roll!
Aiden: 21.
DM: ONE of you, I’m not gonna say which one, thinks this could be a depiction of Kalroth. The other one nods in appreciation of the knowledge. And that one says, “I think the four on either side are the gods, his offspring.”
Aiden: Is Kalroth the Chronos of this setting?
DM: Yeah, kind of.

Curious, they study the depictions of the other gods, thinking perhaps the information contained in the relief might be relevant. Drekthelar, Denerim, Skeldric, Thallan (goddess of love and beauty), and…

DM: On the end, in simple clothing and robes, is Nelea, goddess of nature and the harvest.
Aiden: That church didn’t let me in, for obvious reasons.
Aliarra: Nature and the harvest?
Aiden: No, the love one.
Aliarra: I was gonna say, what you do was PERFECTLY in line with nature and the harvest, man.
Aiden: I wasn’t near any forests at the time.

Hanzo blows on the door. This doesn’t really work. The PCs take a while to open the door, thanks to terrible rolling, but finally they batter it open and see a hallway extending on beyond them. Aiden begins screwing around with his magic light globe like a Globetrotter.

DM: The Generals appear. Initiative!
Aliarra: This isn’t a very epic fight.
DM: You mop the floor with them handily. They didn’t stand a chance.

They stride forward. ED-209 shows up, as it has consistently for multiple sessions now.

DM: Eventually the light shows up ahead what looks to be a statue.
Aliarra: I give it baby.
DM: …no, it’s not going to take the baby.
Aliarra: I take baby.
DM: It doesn’t have a baby.
Mrrshala: Ruth baby.
DM: Cannot use statues in my game any more…
Hanzo: All you’re cut off from using is statues. I can’t use TACTICS! They’re all just gonna stand there and wait for you to walk up and hit them or cast spells on them.
Aliarra: You can use tactics, they just can’t yell them out with Greek letters.
Hanzo: Zeta formation will be TPK.

The statue holds a sun and a crescent moon in its hands, looming forty feet tall over them. The PCs ominously fear that they’ll be called on to fix its jaw and thus be annoyed by him. But instead, the sun and the moon have etchings on them! Hanzo clambers up the statue. The moon has writings in Draconic, pertaining to magic (although nothing coherent). They send Aiden up to read the sun, which is written in Celestial and pertains to divine magic. They take a moment to consider this, then head on! Sets of stairs lead upwards, so they head up and put Hanzo on door-unlocking detail.

Hanzo: 19.
DM: Sadly that is not enough.
Aliarra: Whip out my crowbar, 21 to pop it open!
DM: That is enough. Pa-TANG!
Mrrshala: Arkapatang!
Aiden: We encounter a Nurglar Shurglar.
DM: Fortitude save.
Aliarra: 16.
DM: Your Con is reduced by 2 as you feel the venom from the darts course through your veins.
Hanzo: “Sorry.”
Aliarra: “No traps, huh.”
Hanzo: I rolled shitty.
Aliarra: We don’t know that in-character!
Hanzo: Well if I take the needle out of your arm and stick it in my own arm would that make you feel better?

Aliarra shakes off the secondary and gets a restoration from Aiden, then they look to see what they’ve uncovered. It’s stairs down, with musty air wafting up! Someone whips out a danish!

Aiden: Wait, cheese danish?!
Cissy: It’s been long enough. You just can’t have milk and meat together.
Aiden: Oh okay, so we couldn’t have placed the cheese danish on top of our chili…
DM: Aliarra stands at the top and shivers.
Aliarra: Why am I shivering?
DM: I don’t know, you’re not going down so you must be scared—
Aliarra: I CHARGE ON DOWN LIKE AN IDIOT! Call me scared, will you?!
Aiden: That disembodied voice really made fun of you.
DM: With no light source, you stumble down.

The rest of the PCs do come as well, and they reach the bottom of the stairs.

DM: And as you hit the base – bass bass bass bass—
Aiden: You can feel the heart of the mountain!
All: Duraz Ardhul, Duraz Ardhul…

They’ve wandered into a Nord tomb from Skyrim! Sarcophagi and those slots in the walls where bodies lie that no one can remember the proper name of. They check the writings on the tombs, and mostly start failing rolls.

Cissy: Is that Knowledge(history)?
DM: Yep. Roll really freaking high. And I’ll kill you.
Cissy: Oh… that’s a bad thing, because I just rolled a 35.
DM: For fuck’s sake, that was the DC I put it at in my head! Cissy, you notice the name “Erissa Nerill” on a plaque. You remember reading about her in your studies of history.

The name is so ancient, though, Cissy remembers little except that she did heavy diplomacy work and some other famous things.

DM: You’ve got several sets of coffins and sarcophagi, and then it splits off to the left and right and straight ahead. Straight ahead, you can just make out a doorway.
Hanzo: Well the left and right sides will just be chasms. Bottomless chasms.
Aliarra: That take two hours to get to and two hours back.
Cissy: What kind of asshole would do that?

Having learned his lesson, the DM sets the DCs for all the new foes much higher, and no one is able to recognize them.

DM: You’re like, “that name’s sort of familiar” but you can’t quite remember why.
Hanzo: “Ser…pentor…”
Cissy: “Cobra… Commander…”
Aliarra: Damn, I was thinking that! And I hate to think something that Cissy was thinking.
DM and Aiden: “Destro…”
Aliarra: He’s an awesome new foe.
Hanzo: Zartan.
Aliarra: Zardoz?!

They investigate the side passages but find nothing of interest, and so head up to the door with another bass relief. It has three figures on it, their hands clasped.

Aiden: What are we rolling?
Aliarra: Knowledge(religion).
Aiden: 29.
Aliarra: 30. What?
Hanzo: Ha ha, she was waiting. She was waiting! “Aliarra knows, but Aiden—“
Aiden: Nods sagely!

The group trades jibes over wasted points and how Aliarra shouldn’t have any knowledge of religion and should just be stupid!

Aliarra: I am a fanatical follower of my god who has no knowledge of my religion whatsoever. Therefore, I will be founding the Westboro Baptist Church. God hates fags!
Mrrshala: Oh my god.
Hanzo: Aliarra Phelps!
Aliarra: What? It’s in the Bible with all that other stuff I choose to ignore, but I don’t know that because I have no ranks in Knowledge(religion). …I shouldn’t have gone down this path…

Hanzo rolls so well on his Search and Strength checks that he blows open the door on top of some Sharkticons.

Aliarra: “Me Hanzo say – dot dot dot.”
Hanzo: (almost chokes on his soda)
DM: Halfway into the room is a raised dais, with what looks like to be another plaque. About twice that distance in the back are three sarcophagi standing up.
Aliarra: According to this plaque, fire is not our friend when it’s surrounded by water.
Hanzo: But according to this plaque, when all else fails use fire.
DM: According to this plaque, please don’t brush me away.
Aiden: Have we entered a boss chamber?
Hanzo: (much belatedly) Aww! That was brilliant and it just went completely over my head.
DM: You read or say out loud, “Here lies the last three members of the Order of Kalroth. May their sacrifice not be in vain.”
Hanzo: Uh-oh. What are they called again? That word that you keep saying that was really obscure?
Aliarra: Izual? No, I don’t think it’s the same.
DM: After that, it says, “Leon Emerson, cleric of the Inner Eye. Marissa Aceal, Sorceress, last of the Archons, and Pierson Tuson, Warmage of the First Rank.”
Aiden: Aww, this is one of those moments in RPG when there’s enough coffins for the number of party members, and they all happen to be descendants of those people.

The sarcophagi slam open and the undead step out confrontationally! Initiative occurs! Aliarra proposes they come up with battle music… by looking at a nonfunctional jukebox.

Aliarra: Oooh. “This Magic Moment.” …no? “Let the Little Girl Dance.”
Hanzo: That’ll work.
Cissy: Cissy!
Mrrshala: Damn it, Aliarra.
Aliarra: Not that either? All right. “My Boyfriend’s Back.:”
Cissy: Here we are.
Hanzo and Aiden: (bursting into song) Try to be best 'cause you're only a man and a man's gotta' learn to take it! try to believe when the going gets rough that you gotta hang tough to make it! History repeats itself, try and you'll succeed! Never doubt that you're the one and you can have your dream! You're the best around! Nothing is gonna ever keep you down!

The DM busies himself drawing the map and setting out miniatures, all the while demanding the Legacy of Clean to wipe the mat down. Aliarra opens up with a Battle Leader’s Charge to hit the one in the middle for 31. Mrrshala charges forward in turn, while Aiden casts Mass Aid, giving them all 17 temporary HP and a bonus against fear.

Pan: I’m not afraid any more!
Mrrshala and Aliarra: You WILL be.
DM: Aww man.
Mrrshala: God damn it.

The warmage (?) casts defensively like a CHAMP, lobbing a fireball into the fray for 43 damage, though several people save.

Aliarra: I guess most likely the difficulty was 18.
DM: Shut up, Aliarra.

The cleric emits a wave of negative energy, healing the undead! Cissy has no idea what to cast, and spends a while debating this… grimly noting that of all the spells she could have chosen, she added Tenser’s Floating Disc to her arsenal.

Aliarra: The sorcerer casts Tenser’s Floating Disc? And rides it to freedom!
Aiden: Naw, he casts Tenser’s Floating Disc and turns that into Destructo Disc, and takes off heads!
Aliarra: When did that ever work?
Aiden: Frieza’s version…. Killed himself…
Aliarra: Yeah, you’re making a great argument.
DM: The sorcerer casts defensively, and a large hand goes up between the two of you!
Aliarra: Bigby’s Something Hand!
Aiden: Bigby’s Masturbation Hand. That’s why it’s so big!

Cissy discovers that mithril heavy armor still slows your movement rate, and is shocked and horrified – especially since, as a halfling, she only gets 15 feet of movement while wearing it. Meanwhile, Aiden flips through the Spell Compendium!

DM: Melty in my mind equal deliciousness.
Aiden: WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS SPELL?! AIR BREATHING!?
Aliarra: Some creatures don’t breathe air naturally, you know.
Aiden: I know, but still! I’m doing that now!

Cissy finally lobs an Orb of Fire at the enemy warmage, screaming that he’s hit. Mortal Kombat erupts! Hanzo moves forward to shoot the sorcerer.

Hanzo: Damn! Just a little higher and I could have potentially crit – well you can’t crit undead, never mind. But like—
DM and Aliarra: Bud Light?
Aiden: Coors!
Hanzo: I take it a 30 will hit. Before I start rolling 6s could you have her make a Fortitude save? 23.
DM: She does not make it.
Hanzo: (making a throat-cutting motion)
DM: She’s dead?
Hanzo: It’s a greater slaying bolt. I’ve had that bad boy for some time.

Everyone applauds Hanzo. Pan wants to fire lightning into the undead, but has a terrible line of sight and they’re undead anyway, so he sadly drops back down to Magic Missile.

Aliarra: How are you a blasty-mage if all you have is Lightning Bolt and Magic Missile?!
Aiden: He probably has cold spells.
DM: They call him “Iceman”.
Aliarra: They call him “One-Trick”.
Aiden: They call him “Sub-Zero”, what are you talking about?

Pan manages to roll four 1s on 5 missiles, and the group begins openly questioning if he’s cursed. Aliarra is up next, and despite Cissy trying to claim the warmage, she wipes him off the map with Divine Surge for 62.

Cissy: You killed him? You son of a bitch! I had all sorts of stuff planned! I wanted to go toe-to-toe with that dude!
DM: The body bursts into white flames.
Aliarra: Don’t say I never did anything for you, White Raven Tactics. Take out that cleric.
DM: And the body sifts into ash.
Aliarra: Rez THAT.
Aiden: “Easily!” Two new coffins appear, and two of each come out.
Aliarra: Who the hell is this guy, Orochimaru?!
Aiden: Thank you! I should have gotten the reference for the coffins already. “The first, second, and third Hokages, we’re dead!”
Cissy: I am Sudden Maximizing and Sudden Empowering this Orb of Fire…

This annihilates the cleric, of course, and the group takes a moment to console the DM that they wiped out three casters in the space of slightly over one round. For some reason, it lapses into complaints about other games!

Aliarra: Every combat we fight in your campaign, I’m just imagining it taking place next to a bottomless pit. You see the guy with the two handed sword +5, the plate armor +7, floating armor—
Cissy: This guy is amazing! He slipped on the puke that somebody threw up while vomiting.
Aliarra: He drops dead, and falls into the pit, which is bottomless. You literally see him shoot out the other side of the planet and into space. By the end of the campaign, there will be thousands of bodies in space on the other side of the planet, neatly positioned in the Lagrange point.

They loot their foes! Then spend some time debating whether looting the rest of the tomb would be a good or moral idea, or at least not a sacrilegious one. All they get is Skyrim loot like bowls, bone dust, and carrots, so it proves to be a moot point.

Hanzo: Uh-oh, here’s a Dwemer artifact, that’s 60 pounds of encumbrance right there.
Aiden: And 17 ancient swords worth 12 gold each.
Aliarra: But god are they heavy.
Hanzo: And a Dwemer cog, that’s only thirty pounds.

Foolishly, they loan the Mind of Kalroth to Cissy so she can make some inquiries of it.

Cissy: “Umm, KALROTH?!”
DM: “Oh dear god. Why did you give me to her.” No. “Greetings, Cissy.”
Cissy: “OH MY GOD YOU’RE AWESOME! CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH?”
DM: (miming writing) It’s actually writing out your name. You drop dead.
Aliarra: It’s NOT a Death Note! We’ve COVERED this!
Cissy: “Soooooo, we’ve come to this tomb, this crypt, in your honor. Is there anything down here that we were supposed to find or get or do other than being attacked by undead?”
DM: “Not to my knowledge.”
Aiden: “I have tombs?!” The book was written in his early days…

Back up they head, going the way they hadn’t gone before. They see another statue!

Aiden: And yet 6 coffins.
DM: Ooh, that’s a good idea.
Aiden: Teleron the Unyielding, with a million hit points.
Hanzo: And their bodyguard, a dozen strong minotaurs.

The statue is a bearded, grizzled old man with a face of eternal wisdom and robes. Hanzo declares it to be H the Alone. A plaque declares it to be Emgrad Sulemenier, the guy they got the journal from!

Aliarra: Obviously the north one is going to be a continuation, so perhaps we should explore the side tunnels and make sure nothing nasty lurking in them is going to sneak up on us from behind while we’re going in.

Dead silence.

Aiden: What.
Aliarra: That’s sound strategy!
DM: I just like the word. The continuation of the story.
Hanzo: We want all stars of chapter mastery before we go to the end…
Aliarra: Shut up and go to the east.
Aiden: Does this room have 8 doors?
Aliarra: We have to fight all the guardians of the different parts again. Oh, legs-guy, he’s on the ceiling again.

They head down the side hallways and start battering down fragile doors, finding barracks and crumbling foot lockers – and a library! Thousands of stacked books preserved under canvas! Cissy nerds out and goes crazy trying to take all these books, but there are simply too many for them to take.

Aliarra: Is there any organization to it?
DM: Not that you can see.
Hanzo: The Dragon Decimal System…
Aiden: I’m casting Summon Monster IV, librarian from middle school.

They head back to the north door, finding themselves in a large, circular room. Seven daises stand on the floor, and on the floor a large arcane rune is scrawled.

DM: From behind you, you hear, in a multitude of voices, multitude and languages, both male and female, speaking in unison –
Aliarra: Duraz Ardhul, Duraz Ardhul!
DM: Every language you understand, you hear it. “Ah. You made it.” You turn around to see a figure floating in midair. This being seems to be made out of pure energy, although it seems to be contained with metal plates randomly placed around its body, into a humanoid figure. The plates themselves shift, into geometric patterns, back to globulous blobs, but clearly, two eyes can be made out. And that is where we shall leave off.