The DM opens by explaining that the shadow had returned and dragged away the human figure that they had knocked out of a shadow in the previous battle, and so the PCs find themselves alone in the sewers once again. Gilbert is absent, so they mock him. And Vox.

Leonarus: (really stupid voice) “I’m in der shaaadows.”
Tristan: Gilbert, go investigate those shadows, and let us know what you find. Later.
Warwick: “Horray!”
Vox: My character’s evil! I don’t give a fuck about you! It’s an evil character!
DM: He’s just being a douche, leave him be.

Vox continues to creep around as the other PCs eye the shadows in the distance. Figures lumber around, milling about and whispering amongst themselves in the distance. Leonarus hails the figures, which prove to be near-insane bums who ignore them. He blows a grapple check to seize one. Warwick threatens them with a vigorous thunderstoning, while Tristan and Vox lurk about trying to spot each other.

Leonarus: I seize the guy much more effectively this time.
DM: “Ahr! Topsider! Come down and steal my stuff! Let go of me!” It’s ineffective combat against you. He probably hurt himself more than he hurt you. “Ehr, take my stuff topsider… whatchu want?”
Leonarus: “Answers.”
DM: “Answers? Answers me my have. You give me stuff, I give you money – err, info. Give you talky stuff.”
Leonarus: “What I give you will depend on the worth of what you give me. Speak!”
DM: “No, I speak when stuff is given! I not stupid!”
Leonarus: Shake shake shake shake—
DM: “Aaaah! He shake! He shake! He no pay! He no pay!”
Goruza: “Hold, Leo.”
DM: A seemingly blocked package – passage, all of a sudden… blocked package. Blocked passage seems to flood out with other shameless roustabous with miscellaneous pipes and boards. “Who dares stumble upon ye homeless of the sewers?”
Leonarus: A 24 on my Intimidate check.
DM: All right… let’s see here…
Warwick: How much shit is being added to the ground.
DM: That dude did not make it… that dude did not make it… nope… nope… and then the leader, he gets his own roll… While everyone else seems to shake, the guy before you almost fell over. What would’ve been a strong scent would’ve filled the air, but the already strong scent of the sewer just adds to the fun… The leader of the group seems shaken a bit, but stands pretty firm. “Uh… perhaps, maybe we can talk about it! You just come in here, shake apart my people…”
Warwick: “We could do that.”
Leonarus: “Goruza, come. Let us keep our friend here company.”
Warwick: I mosey on up to the leader-type, drape an arm around him. “Oh, we’re gonna have lots of fun…”
DM: “We are? We’re gonna have fun?”
Warwick: “Yes.”
DM: So what are you doing to this guy?
Leonarus: Suggestion! ‘Wet yourself.’
Warwick: “Oh, let’s see here. How ‘bout we start with a thunderstone in the mouth. We tie a gag around it and have my friend uppercut you in the chin.”
Vox: That’s fantastic I’M GOING TO LOVE YOUR CHARACTER! We are gonna get along fantastically!
Warwick: And that’s a 25 on MY Intimidate.

They interrogate the leader about the shadows. The leader is fairly blasé about them; shadows drag bodies around, and their base seems to be in a large central area where they have people in cages. It’s quite close! Elsewhere, Tristan actually hears Vox sneaking around!

DM: Do you tell them what you heard behind?
Tristan: Who am I among… yeah, I tell Gilbert.
Warwick: “Horray!”
Tristan: Well, Gilbert was no help, who else is there. I’m not talking to Leonarus. He’s busy talking to them! He’s being Intimidating.

Leonarus casts Ebon Eyes on himself, which proves handy as they see darkness ahead and advance towards it. Abruptly, several of them hear Vox slipping around a corner near them. Goruza attempts to Bluff that she saw nothing, and complains that she has no ranks in Bluff even as she rolls well enough to deceive Vox.

Warwick: “Something sounded a bit… odd.”
Vox: From the corner you hear, “..po…ta…to…”
DM: You can try a Bluff check to pretend that you’re one of the bums who just hid around the corner. Roll a Bluff!
Vox: 25! Can I roll Disguise?
DM: Not at the moment.
Leonarus: You whip out your disguise kit and begin hastily applying!
Vox: I’m a bum in the middle of the sewers, dude! I have a regular cloak also. I can just throw it on, smear a little shit on it or something, and pretend!

Unable to pull this off, Vox instead burns some charges off his Vanisher Cloak and tries to slip away. His dice start rolling terribly, so he demands another. Leonarus hands him a Great White Betrayer, which does its job as he promptly makes too much noise.

Vox: I’m gonna turn and have my weapon ready.
DM: Okay… this is gonna be interesting! I don’t have to plan this at all!

Tristan scoots off at top speed for an intersection further back down the tunnel where he hopes to flank Vox, while the rest head for the intersection they heard him at. Vox empties the charges of his items to disappear, then run across some water so his footsteps vanish in it. (This all is harder to describe than it was to play because it involves substantial movement on the battle mat.)

Tristan: I love that he’s wasting all these resources just on avoiding us.
Vox: What the fuck, dude, you’re running down a random hallway? I’m gonna laugh if you get attacked by some shadows and I gotta go up and save you.
Leonarus: You’re evil, you don’t care!
Tristan: You’re not gonna come up and save me! You’re avoiding us, why would you save me?
DM: Looking around, you do see as if somebody was standing in the muck right there. The feet kinda turned, it looks like they slid, almost, and then they’re gone. The water looks undisturbed.
Warwick: “Bloody cat and mouse.”
Vox: It’s time for you guys to GIVE UP on me, go back to where you were! You’re only doing this because you know it’s another character! If it was an NPC, you’d be like, ‘eh!’
Warwick: Or one of the shadow guys.
Tristan: We’re in a hostile environment and someone is shadowing us! I’m gonna find that person and take them out!
Warwick: You’re kinda acting like the enemy right now!
Tristan: We don’t know it’s a PC that’s just being stubborn!
Warwick: I roll to throw a thunderstone in that general direction, at the turn.
Vox: What the fuck?
Warwick: It’s a 15… I think it’s Fort?
DM: Fort to not be deaf.
Vox: Jesus!

Sensing the jig is soon to be up, Vox struggles to find a way to disguise himself between his changeling powers and his traveler’s cloak, which he seems to think is just incredible…

Vox: With that cloak over me, do I have the time to disguise myself as something else…
Leonarus: Creating a disguise requires 1d3x10 minutes of work.
Tristan: I don’t think you have that. Unless Leonarus starts playing Chariots of Fire, and then we move very slow…
DM: Oh that’s right. I’ve decided to do what EA does and let you buy any item you want, at any time, for real money. So if you guys want to buy yourselves, I dunno, an archmage cloak? Fifty bucks, I’ll give you one. I’ll give you an imaginary archmage cloak. That what I imagine EA as a GM would be like. We don’t have enough money! Fifty dollars, you get ten thousand more starting gold.
Leonarus: I could get that Rod of Extend!
DM: Get yourself another fifty dollars and get yourself another Rod of Extend, I’ll let you use them twice!
Tristan: An imaginary item that an imaginary dragon will take from you, and you have to pay real money to get it back. This is genius!
Leonarus: Brunt, you must pay ten dollars to unlock the first level of the Slamhand prestige class.
DM: It’s pay-to-play.
Tristan: I’ll just keep the demo… I’ll keep my vanilla Brunt.
Vox: Using my shapechanging, I’m gonna try to make myself…
DM: You’re gonna look like someone they haven’t met yet.
Leonarus: He looks like Deckard Cain. “Help!”
DM: You gotta prepare a nice good Bluff check for when you say, “I was captured! You scared them away. You saved me!”
Vox: You can’t, like, prep Bluff…
DM: You can prep it in your head…
Leonarus: I take a readied action to Bluff the first person I see!
DM: So you watch as some figure pops out and almost lands in front of you, breathing heavily. Looks like he was a little roughed up. Roll your Bluff.
Vox: (laughing at his terrible roll)
Leonarus: “IWASN’TFOLLOWINGYOU!”
Vox: Are you kidding me? I rolled a 4!
Leonarus: I can’t believe you’re still rolling that!
Goruza: No, that’s a new die, he flung the other one over here.
Leonarus: No, I gave him a White Betrayer, and he’s still rolling it.
Goruza: OH MY GOD!
Vox: I wanted my character to be a lying, sneaky bastard…

The players argue for a while about the plausibility of this scenario compared to the Bluff rolls, furious that Vox is having any success in his endeavor. He is nevertheless able to deceive at least some of them.

DM: I’ll let you guys talk. You have helped him up—
Tristan: I – I did?!
DM: It’s up to you. Did you help him or did you leave him there?
Tristan: NO!
Warwick: You actually push him back down.
Vox: Wait a minute! You believe the fact that I was being—
Tristan: You haven’t said any of that to me!
Vox: I thought I did!
Leonarus: (miming him spitting out an extensive explanation in the half-second it took him to fall)
DM: Your chance is now.
Vox: “Oh my God! Thank you! I don’t know what you did! You must have scared them!”
Tristan: Are you pulling a Hans Gruber on me? “Please God noooo!”

They argue this for a while again, hashing out basic terms – Vox is nonthreatening but Tristan isn’t stupid – before the DM realizes his trap and backs up.

DM: RP! RP! Come on. I’m letting you RP. ‘Cuz you don’t talk a lot, I gotta talk for you, and it looks terrible. RP. Go.
Tristan: “Why are you following us?”
Vox: “Following? I was dragged by those shadows!”
Tristan: “What shadows?”
Vox: “The shadows that’re taking the people! I came down here looking for my friend!”
Tristan: “The only shadows we’ve seen are the ones we just defeated. You weren’t there.”
Vox: “You beat them?!”
Goruza: (heads for the bathroom)
DM: COMBAT HASN’T STARTED, Goruza, Jesus Christ
Goruza: My bladder don’t care.
DM: Apparently your bladder doesn’t play by the rules any more.
Leonarus: Honey bladder don’t care.

Tristan and Vox engaged in a spirited debate regarding the concealment of his weapons, which last until Goruza comes out of the bathroom and Godzillas the play mat in the process of returning to her seat.

DM: So… tell your story to them.
Leonarus: We step forward to surround him.
DM: Well he was STANDING in the doorway, but Godzilla done fu—I don’t know how your character stayed standing, I can’t get him to stand up at all but suddenly he can stand up to Godzilla.
Vox: “Thank you. Thank you so much. They were gonna take me. I came down here looking for my friends, but those things – thank you, thank you so much!”
Leonarus: “How did you get down here?”
Vox: “A little man in the shop… told me. Gave me a map!”

The DM calls for another Bluff check. Goruza destroys him in Sense Motive and Warwick also succeeds, getting an impression that something is wrong. The bum leader merrily wanders through, trying to lead them on down the tunnel. Warwick promptly kicks him out of the conversation.

Leonarus: Every time I look at you, the cloud of knives that surrounds me points directly at you.
Vox: You have a cloud of knives?
Tristan: OooOOooOOOooOOooOOoo.
DM: All you see is the knives circling, and then whenever they get to you…
Leonarus: They point wherever I look.
Vox: So if you look at him, they’re gonna point at Warwick…
Tristan: OoooOoooOoooOOOooOO.
Leonarus: That’s a SHIELD!
Tristan: So what do knives do?
Leonarus: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. It’s the most annoying – EEEEEEEEEE! Nothing but that, the entire time I was with you – oh wow, I just looked down and saw Race Bannon shooting a mummy.

Odd silence.

Tristan: “Well friend, since the shadows overpowered you singly, perhaps we should stick with one another.”
Vox: “You would do that? You would help me find my friend?”
Tristan: “We insist.”
Warwick: “No. I suggest we have this man – one, maybe two of the vagabonds take him to the surface. We don’t need him.”
Vox: “With or without you, I have to continue.”
Leonarus: So long!

Leonarus pauses to attempt to consult with Warwick in a language only they speak, only to discover Leonarus never wrote out in his languages. Settling on Abyssal, Leonarus points out that Vox could absorb some blows for them.

DM: Do you whisper that?
Leonarus: I said it in an undertone.
DM: I meant more the fact that… if you’re with a bunch of Spanish people and all of a sudden the two Spanish people turn and start speaking to each other in Spanish, there’s something going on over there!

Leonarus finally points out that Thieves’ Cant is actually folded into Bluff in third edition, which no one has ever actually done in-game. Leonarus, Goruza, and Warwick settle on Abyssal as the language they speak to hide their intent, though the DM vows that even young children will speak it henceforth.

Leonarus: “Master Bum. Have your people a shattered hunk of glass to give this one as a weapon?”
DM: “Uh… sure, I guess I could find a weapon.”
Tristan: This guy is the bum from the Punisher…
Warwick: I set up a mindlink between the three of us.
Leonarus: …I’ve taught you well.

Preparing to resume their advance, the party settles into formation.

Warwick: I’m going to start tying thunderstones to my sap! Bwam!
Leonarus: But then you’ll forget. Right when you have to do it with the maximum of subtlety. “I’ll take out this guard and none will be the—“ BWECHOOOOW!
Warwick: “Oh yeah…”

A wall of darkness appears in front of them as they advance, although Leonarus sees straight through it thanks to his spell.

Vox: Can we send a pig forward?
Leonarus: All right. Go forward.
DM: Aaaaah! Wow!
Leonarus: “Black magic bars our way… but the will of a Bone Knight is stronger!”
Warwick: Thank God I have this mask on, you can’t see me rolling my eyes. Oh crap I have a mindlink!

The bum refuses to advance, instead facing the wall and chanting that he sees nothing. As they pass him, the DM calls for a Spot check.

Vox: Thank God I’m a changeling, so I can get away, change my form, and come back and introduce myself to you guys.
Leonarus: He’s still wearing the same clothes…
Vox: I’ll buy a new traveler’s cloak.
Leonarus: He’s still holding the cheapass dagger they gave you.
Vox: “Some bum running past me gave me this! Said I should come say hello!”
DM: You see something over there. “Oh no there’s nothing over there! Heh, don’t worry about down the hall there, it’s nothing, heh, just keep going into the darkness, that’s where your friends are.”
Warwick: Knife is at his neck.
Leonarus: “I suggest you rethink your statement to the man who is surrounded by a cloud of knives.”
DM: “…that’s where we keep all the shiny stuff.”
Warwick: “Oh, my favorite kind of stuff.”
DM: “We keep all our shinies over there, ‘cuz the other people aren’t interested in our shinies and no one comes down this path ‘cuz we put everything down in the other path. I guess now you’re gonna go in and take our shinies.”
Tristan: Go into the shiny circle, it is for your shinies!
Leonarus: “Where have you acquired these shinies from?”
DM: “From the guards that come down here. The shadows grip ‘em, they choke ‘em, they die, but they leave the shinies behind. We take all the shinies and put them in the shiny hole.”
Leonarus: “One who takes that which is not theirs has little objection to make if that which is not theirs is taken from them.”
DM: “I have all the objections, but there’s also all the knives, and I don’t think my objections matter.” He seems very sad.
Warwick: “Trust me, blood is quickly diluted amongst all this muck.”

With Sense Motive, Warwick senses something amiss. He quickly manifests Read Thoughts, to sense the bum’s thoughts… and incidentally Vox’s, catching him thinking of his ‘friend’ as his ‘contact’. The bum, meanwhile, is hoping to get one of them caught in a trap and killed!

Warwick: Dagger’s at the back of the neck, pressing pretty hard. “What danger lies ahead in the shiny room?”
DM: “Our… our makeshift traps. You go in and all the boulders fall. We put big rocks… well, not really rocks. Trash, garbage, up ahead. And they fall on your head. If you don’t release the lever on the side of the wall that’s hidden.”

Warwick forces the bum to show him the lever, but Leonarus stops him from disabling it and deliberately steps forward into the trap. The DM takes a moment to figure this out, because what. He immediately fails his Reflex save.

DM: A whole lot of trash and garbage crashes around you.
Vox: You get stuck in the arm by a hypodermic needle. You now have the AIDS.
DM: You take 13 points of damage, give me a Fort save.
Leonarus: 27.
DM: You are easily able to resist any sort of diseases, wretched poos, or whatever they’ve stuffed into this rock pile around you. You are immobilized as you are now piled to the neck in stuff that was drifting off.
Leonarus: A 19 to burst my way free.
DM: You are easily able to free yourself of the wretched cave-in.
Leonarus: I’ll step back over to our bum friend.
DM: “I – I don’t – everyone else, they—the shit—
Leonarus: Pull off my gauntlet, hold out my bruised, bloodied hand, and let him watch as it heals at one hit point a round. Then draw it into a fist.
DM: “Oh, of course…” (sobbing)
Leonarus: “I suggest you not take us lightly any further.”
DM: He’s mumbling and a crying mess.
Leonarus: I’m not even really being all that evil, I’m just being kind of an asshole. But he started it.
Vox: That was pretty intimidating and badass, though.
Leonarus: It would have been embarrassing if I had gotten diseased from it, though…

They loot the shiny room, coming up with a few random items, armor and weapons, and a mysterious crown with missing gems! They kick the bum back to his people, and then Leonarus braves the mysterious wall of darkness. The DM calls for a Fortitude save! Then recants. The DM draws out a massive chamber, with several strange cages of energy floating in midair and keeping people trapped within them – including Vox’s contact! Shadows coalesce around them!

DM: And we are ready! You are surrounded, minions everywhere. You’re level six, so that means hilarity can be afoot.
Leonarus: Oh no, fireball!
DM: Do you -- …well, you know it’s coming. Warwick, you are first, you crushed the initiative order!
Warwick: Okay, just mark some PP off my P, and I will squirt some ectoplasmic grease on the floor!

Goruza punches a shadow, and then the boss whips a fireball into their midst, exactly as predicted. The DM openly declares this to be revenge from a combat from FIVE YEARS AGO as everyone takes damage. Enemies plow into the grease and fall!

Tristan: Uh… 23?
DM: Sadly that misses.
Tristan: That’s about as good as I can roll… actually, I guess I might as well attack with my other weapon… 24.
DM: That hits.
Tristan: You’re welcome!

Vox finds himself holding his crappy dagger and hankering to discard it. In one smooth move action, he tosses it down, draws his own weapons and Tumbles into position!

Vox: Six points of damage. Oh wait, I have to roll my attack.
DM: I was like, he must be awesome, he automatically hit.
Vox: Aaaaaand I rolled a natural one. I stab Leonarus!
DM: You watch as he walks over, dropping the glass knives, skillfully pulling out two short swords, flipping and turning to have one land at your feet… as he kind of messes up.
Leonarus: (miming moving his foot to stand on the sword)
DM: Gilbert! Somebody act for Gilbert. What is Gilbert going to do?
Tristan: Charge off a cliff.
Warwick: “Horray!”
Leonarus: Gilbert will use Hitting Thing With Sword Attack. He rolls a 2. Hey, I’m really good at Gilbert.
Goruza: Hey, he rolled a 19 because I’M rolling for Gilbert, god damn it!
Tristan: I’m rolling for Gilbert!
Warwick: We’re ALL rolling for Gilbert, let’s take the average!

Gilbert whacks a shadow creature for good damage. Leonarus holds up a box of danishes.

Leonarus: These are the finest products of the alliance between Fangorn Forest and Gondor. You can tell by the name. “Entenmann’s.”

Dead silence.

DM: BURN IN HELL, LEONARUS! BURN IN HELL!
Warwick: 14 fire damage to those three there.
DM: Those three there or those three here?
Warwick: The ones that are in front of me.
Leonarus: The ones that don’t involve hitting all his comrades.
Warwick: All right, breath weapon can be used again in GOD DAMN IT.

The boss blasts Warwick in the chest with what is probably a Searing Ray or Orb of Fire. Goruza punches a guy for 15 as he stands, ruining his day and causing the shadow around him to burst. Warwick also takes his attack, almost killing the person beneath the shadow. Leonarus strikes a shadow, and then the shadows begin their attacks!

DM: You get swung at, Warwick, but he misses. Goruza, you get attacked… he does not hit you even close. Vox, also nothing. Sweet lord Jesus, this die is crap. Leonarus… you know you don’t like Leonarus, don’t you dice, that’s why you’re gonna roll a TWENTY – A ONE! He swings wild and collapses. And looks to almost fall off… but seems to land on nothing!
Leonarus: Invisible bridge!
Warwick: Time to start disbelieving.
Leonarus: You disbelieve the bridge and he falls to his death!

The group ponders the invisible bridge, while Gilbert deals some damage. It turns out Warwick was serious!

Warwick: Can we start disbelieving this illusion?
Leonarus: No! The bridge is invisible, not illusory.
Warwick: But the fact that it’s invisible is an illusion, right?
DM: No, it’s just invisible.
Leonarus: If you could just disbelieve invisibility, it would be a useless spell.
DM: I disbelieve the world around me!
Leonarus: That’s how the Nazgul always managed to see right through it! They knew it was an illusion, they just disbelieved.

The boss is not covered in shadows, as Warwick unloads an Energy Push in his direction!

Warwick: He needs to make a Strength check.
Tristan: (watching the roll) Oh god! He failed.
DM: Pass me another dice, please. Somebody. This dice is crap. He rolled a 2.

The boss goes flying backwards 20 feet, and the shadows on all the shadow creatures waver with the blow. He begins to summon more shadow creatures, making it clear that they need to take him out! Tristan vanishes into invisibility, zipping across the bridge to intercept the enemy. Leonarus casts Hold Person at the boss, but he saves. The swarm of shadows attacks and the boss furiously lobs a fireball into the fray!

DM: “WHY WON’T YOU DIE!” Another Reflex save.
Goruza: “Because we’re badder than you.”
Leonarus: I fail! I roll a 4 again!
DM: Wow. Look at that. 1… 1… 2… 2… 6… That’s 2… 13. That is the weakest fireball of all time.
Tristan: That’s Dan’s fireball.
Warwick: I gracefully flip out of the fireball damage, yet again, and I’m like, “What are you trying to do?”
DM: While your comrade burns next to you!
Warwick: I don’t think he’s burning, I think he’s shrugging it off… He is kind of a badass.
Leonarus: I’m slightly below half health at this point.
Warwick: “You couldn’t hit the broad side of a bard! Luckily I brought one with me.”
Leonarus: “If only my knowledge were more advanced. He could serve us better in death than he ever served anyone in life!”
Tristan: All right. (miming an assassination)
Leonarus: Hey, if you assassinate him you get a long conversation with him, so he can explain what he was doing…
Tristan: I missed. Altogether, a 14.
Leonarus: You get a +4 bonus because he doesn’t know it’s coming.
Tristan: I think that is with the +4 bonus.
DM: Either way, you hit him. This guy is not heavily armed. He’s very squishy.
Warwick: Look what your poisons have wrought!
Tristan: This is not poison.
Warwick: Aww man, why not?
Tristan: Because I can’t afford it. Roll me a Fortitude, the difficulty is 21.
DM: He failed.
Tristan: He died!

With the boss’s death, the prisoners all suddenly awake and begin clamoring desperately for release. The PCs ignore them and loot the boss instead, finding a mysterious necklace and his powerful staff. But the campaign has run late for the evening thanks to the combat, and so we leave off as they begin to free the victims!