Last time, no president had been kidnapped by ninjas, because the PCs were bad enough dudes without needing to rescue the president. The group tortures the transcriber through feedback, then proclaim they are completely innocent and never hassle the transcriber for transcriptions or torment him. Goddamn liars! Aiden heals ability damage while Aliarra checks the ninjas for livingness, but detects none.

Aliarra: By the time we got to them after that battle, they almost certainly bled out. I figured I’d better check anyway.
Aiden: How come Ignir doesn’t the fucking Golbez treatment? He’s kicking ass outside, took out four ninjas by himself, you don’t blink an eye at it…
Aliarra: Of course there was a 10% chance they would have stabilized.
Aiden: Kill yourself, Aliarra.

Hanzo unmasks the ninjas while the rest of the players… do extremely little of value, honestly. Aliarra sends Aiden looking up nifty spells.

Aiden: Finally a spell that will help us, guys. This gives us a +10 resistance to Aliarra’s bad puns.
Hanzo: It’s probably a ninth level spell though…

The ninjas have no loot except for kamas +1. This revelation stuns the entire table into silence. Still, that’s 8000 gold from those sales.

Hanzo: “These are initiates of my clan.”
Aiden: “I had no idea.”
Hanzo: “Sent here to kill you, apparently.”
Aliarra: “To kill all of us.”
Hanzo: “Certainly you were the primary target.”
Aliarra: “If that was true, wouldn’t they have all come for me, instead of making their way into individual bedrooms?”
Aiden: “Probably they knew that each of us have the ability to aid you if something went terribly wrong.”
Aliarra: “It would have been easier to kill me in my sleep and not disturb any of you.”
Aiden: “I was definitely affected by a spell, but I was able to resist it. Looks like they were trying to incapacitate us but failed.”
Hanzo: “Some of you woke up while they were in the middle of their business.”
Aliarra: Is Ignir well?
Aiden: He’s at 1 Strength. How he was winning was impossible.
Hanzo: “I have no doubt they were acting on orders. Though what was behind them being sent here…”
Aiden: “This doesn’t bode well. If they’re just a small sect we might only have to deal with a small number of ninjas. If it’s the whole sect, we might have to deal with MORE ninjas!”

Hanzo and Aiden clarify terms, while Aliarra questions why they were ‘initiates’ sent to kill them – the DM clarifies that Hanzo knew them as initiates, meaning they have clearly improved since then. Aiden furiously casts Omen of Peril to see if they can get an hour of sleep, but Hanzo plans to go seek an NPC.

Aliarra: I was going to ask Hanzo what we should do if he doesn’t come back by some time, but he already ninja-ed out.
Hanzo: I’m not going to put myself in danger.
Aliarra: I’m a little more paranoid than you, apparently.
Hanzo: Too bad, you’re talking to a leaf now.
Aliarra: I know. But you betrayed your ninja clan, I’m not too sure about that no-peril thing.
Aiden: Sub-Zero can handle it.
Hanzo: “I’ll be back soon.”
Aliarra: He was never back.
Cissy: And that was the last time we saw Hanzo.
Aliarra: Why does Hanzo keep coming to these games? Shouldn’t you make a new character?
Hanzo: Like you’ll even notice I’m gone. There won’t be anybody to fail to poison things when I’m gone.
Aliarra: Who will be cynical at this table while you’re gone? You’re more cynical about D&D than I am, which is saying something.
Hanzo: ….I dunno. You put a better face on it than me, but I think you’re more cynical. It must come off in my voice way worse than it’s sounding in my head.

The group cheerfully remembers the whole red-dragon incident from a couple weeks ago as proof of Hanzo’s cynicsm. Aiden finally gets his spell off.

DM: Aiden, you lower yourself to your knees. And you pop a squat.
Aliarra: Why are you popping while kneeling? That’s the most awkward thing.
Aiden: To do an Omen of Peril I must teabag at least four individuals.

Hanzo is intercepted by Willikins, the butler, before he can escape. He is baffled that the butler is up at this hour!

Hanzo: He probably doesn’t sleep.
DM: “I am on borrowed time, no time for sleep…”

In his slow way, Willikins reports that a person is at the door for him! Hanzo insists that the visitor must be peaceful, for a ninja attack would be much more subtle and violent.

Hanzo: “Ninjas do not knock, my lady. This is probably unrelated.”
Cissy: It’s the SAMURAI clan!
Aliarra: “I’d say to call out if you needed our aid but I’m not certain you know how.”
Hanzo: “If it appears to be trouble, I will simply ghost-step back here.”
Aliarra: Ellipsis loudly. “LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THOSE DOTS! He’s in trouble.” We’re standing there waiting, suddenly outside the balcony: “DOOM. DOOM. DOOM.”
Cissy: Cissy’s coming with you, but she’s not requesting permission.
Aliarra: I trip her
Hanzo: And then White Raven Tactics on yourself, and trip her again.
Cissy: Cissy smashes an acid flask right in her face.
Aliarra: You didn’t antecede your pronoun properly, so according to what you just said, she smashes an acid flask in her OWN face. I’ve defeated you with GRAMMAR, Cissy.

Aiden spams out some healing, and then Hanzo heads to the front door.

DM: At first glance, there with his back to you is what looks to be a street rat, wearing a bowler hat. He turns. “Ah, roight Guvner, how yew doin’ this evenin’?”
Aliarra: (singing) Street rat. Vandal!
Hanzo: “I’ve been better.”
DM: “Roight, me’n the boys have been around, we found four more of these buggers hiding out in the surrounding area.” He sweeps his hand and you see a pile of four ninjas.
Hanzo: The Jets just beat up the Sharks!
Aliarra: Are you getting help from the Cockney branch of your ninja guild, is that my understanding?

Hanzo diplomatically learns they’re getting no loot from these bastards either. He arranges to send a message to Mr. Bouvier.

Aiden: The light poops, and the wind is silent.

Silence.

Aiden: That’s a code…
DM: That’s actually kind of profound.

Aliarra, leaving nothing to chance, reports back to Denelos through the necklace. Waking him up in the process.

Aliarra: “Hanzo remains faithful, as expected.”
Denelos: “I don’t doubt the boy.”
Aliarra: He says, hurriedly cancelling the contingent spell. There’s a giant hand of smoke reaching out behind Hanzo, it quickly retreats.
Aiden: It’d be hilarious if we had deaths. “Yeah, we lost Aiden.”

The group speculates as to what response will come when word of this failure gets back to the ninja clan. Around this time, they hear troops marching up towards the manor!

Hanzo: Oh God, it’s Anakin and the 501st. “Go to Aliarra’s home estate. Do what must be done.”
Aliarra: “The attempt on my life has left me… actually pretty okay.”

Aliarra discovers that the Emperor’s voice absolutely shreds her throats in a couple of sentences. It’s Griffon Harles!

Aliarra: “Ho, General! You’re up late. Or early.”
DM: “Well we got notice of a disturbance here.”
Alirra: “Well there sure was one. Mind the pile of corpses out front.”
DM: He boots them. Pushes them aside with his boot.
Aiden: “Another random ninja attack, these things have been happening all week.”

Griffon sends his men about to take care of security. Aliarra makes it clear they trust Hanzo, though he offers to submit himself for questioning. After some discussion, they get Aiden to prepare Speak with Dead, to interrogate the ninjas the next morning. Aliarra tries to figure out her Leadership score.

Aliarra: Do I have great renown?
DM: Not yet.
Aliarra: Am I known for fairness and generosity?
DM: Not really.
Aliarra: Do I have any special power?
DM: Define special.
Hanzo: ENCHANTMENT!
Cissy: But you are known for taking special ed.

Cissy ponders taking the Leadership feat, and everybody imagines how comical this is, with minions dying to all sorts of horrible AOEs. They ponder their next step, with Aliarra hollering at the uncaring sky to give her her cohort so they can get more information about Moresh. After a bit of planning, they return to sleep, waking refreshed

Aliarra: While I’m waiting for them to rise, I’ll go do as I said.
DM: Break your fast!
Aliarra: I’m sure Willoughby has food for me.
DM: It’s gonna be cold. …it’s Willikins, but I like Willoughby better.

Aliarra interrogates her servant, with Hanzo interrupting the roleplay at every opportunity. The DM helps.

DM: (incredibly slow Willikins voice) “You know… what they saaaay… allllll toasters…. Toast… toast….”

Aliarra searches her uncle’s study, trying to find any history of her uncle’s wrongdoings. Even taking a 20 comes up with nothing… except the fireplace tools are nice!

Aliarra: THAT’S SUSPICIOUS! I’ll check the fireplace!

She finds a box! Pulling it down, she blows the ash off of it.

DM: I need a Fortitude rolling save…
Aliarra: Oh, natural 1! They find me face down in the ashes!
Aiden: MUMMY ROT!
DM: It ricochets off the wall right into your eyes!
Aliarra: It wasn’t really a natural 1.
DM: Gems! Lots of them.
Aliarra: This must be the filthy lucre.
Aiden: (collapsing) God damn it, Aliarra.

Hanzo wanders into town as he planned to finally talk to the mysterious Mr. Bouvier, though on the way he stops to talk to an old, nameless codger on a barrel, who mentions that the ninja all came out of the water!

Aliarra: Sounds like ninja magic to me.
Hanzo: Yes, the ninja magic art, handed down secretly through generations, which we call system.

Hanzo marvels at the coincidence of finding someone with useful information! The spellcasters awake and prepare their spells!

Aliarra: “Wait for Hanzo to come back, he’d best know what questions to ask.”
Aiden: “Why are you in my room?!” …I haven’t left. My room.
Aliarra: When you do, I say that.
Aiden: There’s an announcement…

Hanzo starts back, pondering what other connections he can call on…

Aliarra: Lincoln, Washington, Ford, and Bush burst out of a treehouse hiding spot. A ninja has been kidnapped by presidents.
Aiden: Oh! I summon Future Lincoln!
Aliarra: He’s a corpse.
Aiden: Damn it. Oh! I summon Lincoln of Future Past!
Aliarra: That’s better. Future Lincoln is somewhat less useful.
DM: As you continue on your way back, past a couple alleyways, you here a ‘psst!’ and see a familiar boulder. “Ahh, good mornin’, guvner, how are ya?”
Hanzo: “Still up, I see.”
DM: “Oh yes, we like to get an early start.”
Hanzo: “Crime never sleeps.”
DM: “…yes, one could say that.”
Hanzo: “If one was rude.”

The bowler-hatted man mentions he’d sent a few people around to keep an eye on things, disappointing Hanzo since it means the butler isn’t really amazing for sure. The mysterious M.B. has taken a shining to Hanzo. Hanzo starts to get slightly frustrated.

Hanzo: “So from now on I’ll know just to ask for you. Who would I be asking for, by the way? Should I just ask for Bowler?!”
DM: “That works, sir, that works. In fact…” He pulls out a card, it has an address on it. “You can ask for me here.”
Aliarra: 123 Mindyourownbusiness Lane.

Mr. Bowler also mentions that the ninjas in fact came in on ships, which have now left. Tipping his sharpened-coin-riddled hat, he bids Hanzo good afternoon.

Hanzo: Why are ninjas taking ships with minotaurs? In the Travel section. A local warmage tries her hand at Opera. Art section.
Cissy: I do have points in the Singing profession!
DM: We’ll assume you did well. All the glass in the opera house has shattered.
Cissy: I take that as a compliment.
DM: And you make your way back to the mansion.

Aliarra plays the Transformers scene-transition music with perfect timing, and as the group laughs itself to tears, she gets high-fives.

Aiden: What is it, a symbol of a ninja turns into a cleric?
DM: It goes from Hanzo’s face to Aliarra.

Aiden gleefully looks forward to casting Speak With Dead for the first time, until Aliarra points out he cast it once before, way back in retrieving the item from the depths of the cave.

Cissy: Oh crap, I already cast it.
Aliarra: YOU’RE A WARMAGE!
DM: If you put on enough of Kalroth’s gear you could cast it… actually, wait, the gloves are not there.
Aliarra: I’m even more of a genius than I knew! We’re just gonna wake up one day to find Cissy decked out in all the Kalroth stuff, on a killing spree. “I’ve gained all the power now, bitches!”

The PCs spend quite some time debating what to ask with their four questions. After all this time, when Aiden finally casts the spell, the corpse makes its saving throw, making the whole damn thing a waste of time. They turn their attention to what their next step would be – Aliarra expects that the izhual will be coming after then next.

Aliarra: All anything has ever said about them is that they’ve never been defeated, ever.
Aiden: They’ve never had to deal with the undersexed Aiden.
DM: “I AM SO FUCKING HORNY RIGHT NOW!”
Aiden: That’s how they’re gonna get me. One day the DM’s just gonna be like, “Just send the girl out.” “Uh-oh. Well, I gotta RP into this bad situation.”
Aliarra: “WHERE IS AIDEN! WE NEED HIM SO BADLY RIGHT NOW!”
DM: This one has more curves than a railroad track. She slinks her way towards you and drapes her arm around you.
Aiden: Welp, Will save.
Aliarra: No, Aiden, look at the DM! He’s got a big-ass beard, that’ll turn you off.
Aiden: Baseball! Baseball!
Aliarra: I think unless we can figure out some plan of attack, our best bet is to defend the pieces until Moresh comes after himself. And this time prepare some trick to keep him stapled down. I’ll look to you casters to do that.
Cissy: What?
Aliarra: Not you.
Cissy: …I’m gonna let you die.
Aliarra: I’m just saying, you do not have any spells to keep spirits in the bodies they’re inhabiting. You have spells to release spirits from the bodies they’re inhabiting.
Pan: I blow stuff up. I never really considered spells that don’t blow stuff up.
Aliarra: …God damn it, Pan.

Aliarra has Willikins send to town for some sort of bard. Aiden discovers a spell called Ghost Trap and giggles furiously over this for some time. They spread out to search the house in the hopes of finding more information.

Aliarra: If you help me, we might find more shiny gems! (miming shaking the box of gems)
DM: (shattering noises)
Aliarra: THEY’RE GEMS! WHY DID THEY SHATTER?!
DM: They were just glass.
Aliarra: Wow, my uncle was an idiot.

They spread out, laboriously taking 20s as they go. Aiden goes to the den, and finds a sconce that is loose! He pulls on it and the wall slides to the side, revealing a small room with a writing desk and a journal.

DM: Every page, just about, is written with, “I am so sorry,” over and over and over again.
Aliarra: My uncle is useless even in his blubbering uselessness! God damn it!
Aiden: Is the book sturdy enough to pick up?
Aliarra: It’s also oddly moist.
Hanzo: So you find your uncle’s Simpson blackboard.

Reluctantly, Aliarra asks Willikins how her uncle communicated with his conspirators. Willikins, amazingly, gets SLOWER, but reports that there is a dropbox nearby.

Cissy: Why don’t we send your butler out to do another drop, see if we can catch them?
Aliarra: I’m fairly certain they are now aware that my uncle is no longer in position to be of aid to them!
Hanzo: “Is it nearby?”
DM: “It is probably… a ten minute walk for me.”
Hanzo: So it’s right outside. It’s your backyard.

They head out, finding a curious trunk in the middle of high grass some small distance away. Hanzo investigates!

DM: You stick your hand in there… I assume.
Aliarra: Aaaand it’s off.
DM: You feel around, you don’t feel anything.
Aiden: I give you the journal by the way, Aliarra.
Aliarra: “Oh, god – ohhh, fuck you, uncle.”
Hanzo: There’s a note inside the stump. “I’m so sorry…” It’s carved on the stump.
DM: You see tearstains on it.
Aliarra: “Uncle, isn’t there anything—“ He doesn’t have a shirt on, it’s carved all over his body. He’s getting prison tattoos even as we speak. He’s sitting there blubbering even as another prisoner inks him.

Cissy goes on a long hypothesis about how ninjas can grab the messages out of stumps while invisible that doesn’t exactly match up with how their ghost step powers work. Hanzo goes out to explore a little, and finds a small clearing, with a ditch showing signs of a recent fire within it. The group angrily accuses the upstairs neighbors of playing Nintendo Track and Field upstairs, which will only be more darkly amusing a few weeks in a future when an alleged downstairs neighbor accuses all of THEM of stomping around.

DM: Fucking uncle!
Hanzo: Just wait for the nighttime. They’ll surely try to kill again.
Aiden: Ah, the Dutch chocolate. Made with the tiniest amount of Dutch blood.

In the background, Mrrshala eats the wrong ice cream, dooming Cissy to spousal abuse. Having exhausted their leads, they wait until the soldier returns with the dapper bard! Somehow the bard is Denelos.

Aliarra: “My friends, I propose we enjoy a quiet evening of song and entertainment. It’s been a long time since we had one of those.”
Pan: “Okay!”
DM: Oh come on, that’s not what I wanted.
Aliarra: Are you rolling randomly for a name?
DM: No no, how well he played. I wanted a natural 1. I rolled a natural 20.
Hanzo: “Perhaps the dapper gentleman will prove to be a good suitor.”
Aliarra: “What?”
Hanzo: “You’re going to be expected to produce an heir eventually.”
Aliarra: “Only by Mrrshala.”
Hanzo: “…what?”
Aliarra: “…what?”
Aiden: “An heir to your family, you’re gonna be expected to produce one.”
Aliarra: “Only Mrrshala cares about that right now. She doesn’t wanna be heir.”
DM: “Baroness.” The guard kneels.
Hanzo: You’re the Baroness?
Aliarra: Yes, where have you been?!
Hanzo: COBRA!

Introductions go all around, though the bard has heard tales of most of them. They start questioning what the songs about them sound like.

Aiden: “What do the songs about Aiden sound like?”
DM: “Something about restraint.”
Aiden: “How did that get out?!”
DM: “About how you have vanquished it! This is how the song goes…”
Aiden: No, you can’t say that! Because I’m gonna make you write it!
Aliarra: He’s singing about how you vanquished restraint, I’m not sure that’s a good song.
Aiden: I’m not saying it’s a good song, I just wanna hear the song, the song of our tales.
Cissy: Yep. Yep, Aiden and his problem with tail.
Aiden: It’s not a problem, the church solved it. It was 20 years ago!
Hanzo: “Aiden… of the nine fingers!”
Aliarra: I’d like to point out that the church thought they solved a lot of problems they actually didn’t. How’s your hand, Hanzo?
Hanzo: Oh yeah… I’ve still got the Dark Mark.
Aliarra: Let’s not forget to mention that when we go back, by the way. We’ll just have a night of entertainment and at an opportune moment I’ll ask him about the music box, see if he recognizes the tune.
DM: “I’m still standing right here…”
Aliarra: I WAS NARRATING! Stop listening to the exposition!
DM: “Stop being me, DM!”
Aliarra: Look, I didn’t get this Amulet of Textboxes for nothing.
Hanzo: I forgot about my Dark Mark…
Aliarra: I didn’t!

Someone knocks at the door! Willikins goes to get it, which takes a while. He finally comes back.

DM: “Madam, there’s a gentleman at the door for you.”
Aliarra: “Does he have a name?”
DM: “Archmage Denelos.”
Hanzo: “He must be a music fan,.”

Silence. Aliarra furiously taps the amulet of communicating with Denelos.

DM: “I’m right outside.”
Aliarra: “I was checking to make sure it was you! The last thing I needed was to be taken in by an imposter!”
DM: He’s already walking through the door…
Aliarra: No, I’m serious, come on. “I’m Denelos, come with me.” He casts a spell and suddenly we’re in a fucking prison!
DM: I’m not blaming you!

Denelos greets them all but promptly sits down to listen to the bard. Aliarra ponders telling him about the no-smoking policy. He explains he is here for the coronation.

Hanzo: You hear that? He’s here to disrupt your coronation.
Aliarra: This is bad comedy.
Hanzo: I couldn’t let that pass…

Denelos accepts Aliarra’s offer of lodging. Cissy demands he sit on his own smoke chair, and the DM retcons the situation to make this so!

DM: I am taking the natural 20 on the bard’s roll.
Aliarra: What song does he play? (playing Whalers On the Moon)
DM: The most beautiful rendition of it, too!

The minstrel sings a beautiful song! Cissy jumps into sing, with a surprisingly high Singing check. The group does not have a check nearly as high. The transcriber weeps openly. The performance is nonetheless magnificent, and after his first set, so to speak, Aliarra plays the music box for him. He identifies it as a song from the southern kingdom, which has very poor relations with their homeland, then plays the song for them in its proper form, followed by several more.

Hanzo: Denelos. Is he Greek?
DM: “Gimme a gyro!”
Aliarra: When he’s done I’ll see to it that he’s WELL paid for his time, he’s earned it.
Hanzo: You give him so much money he thinks he’ll be dead before he reaches town.
DM: He holds a hand out. “Today was on me.”
Hanzo: Oh! Political suck-up! He’s gonna be a court bard!
DM: “To play personally for the future baroness and the heroes we get to hear about was an honor.”
Aliarra: “With the performance you put on tonight, I’d be surprised if you didn’t have future opportunities.”
Cissy: “Is that a job offer?”
Hanzo: He wants his retainer!
Aliarra: He’s welcome to stay for food, and stay the night if he wishes.
Mrrshala: Woooooh!
Aliarra: Not like that, stop trying to get an heir!

Hanzo becomes convinced the bard will be killed on the way home by ninjas, or possibly criminals with bowler hats.

Hanzo and Aliarra: Who throws a shoe?

Hanzo also insists that Aliarra is Denethor, while Aliarra questions (and worries) that Mrrshala is letting the bard get away.

Aliarra: Mrrshala, the entire dinner, is just trying to slip us more dinner.
Hanzo: Mrrshala’s playing her little accordion. “Thiiiiiis is the night!”
DM: You weren’t having the spaghetti this evening!
Aiden: I was thinking the same thing!
Aliarra: It’s finally happening, after six year we’re becoming a gestalt personality. A couple years from now our roleplaying will just be us showing up and staring at each other as we transmit. The transcriptions will suck though…

The group roleplays for a bit. Well, some of them do.

Aiden: Go, Jesus! By your powers combined, I am the son of God! Captain Jesus, he’s a hero!
Aliarra: Gonna take original sin to zero!

Cissy reveals she’s only been roleplaying in an effort to lure the bard into their party. For some reason, Aiden gives Aliarra such a dirty look that he bursts into laughter for about a minute straight. Hanzo ducks out to talk to Denelos in private about the possibility of him returning north, though Denelos declares this way too dangerous. He then requests the loan of a ring of invisibility.

Aiden: It’s now time for a keen meta-joke. He says, “I’ll give you an invisible blanket – HA HA! Never mind, who would do something silly like that?”
DM: “What would you do, go visit a dragon?”

Denelos at least promises to consider it, though gaining access to such an item would be difficult even for him. Denelos also warns ominously that even normally error-free magic now carries a risk of error. They return inside. Lacking other options, the group elects to return to the Mage’s Guild and prepare for the inevitable assault attempting to reclaim their items. Hanzo gets disappointed that Aliarra won’t take Willikins along.

Hanzo: “Perhaps the BARD would like to travel along and ENTERTAIN you?”
Aliarra: Who are you, Mrrshala?!

The evening winds down with anticipation of noon on the morrow, and Aliarra mentions Hanzo’s little hand problem to Denelos.

Hanzo: “I got this thing in my hand.”
DM: He grabs your hand.
Aiden: And proceeds to chop it off.
Hanzo: Welp, no more two-weapon fighting. Can I redo those feats?
DM: He chomps a bit at the end of his pipe. (muttering)
Hanzo: “Riddles in the dark…”
DM: “Well, the good news is, it isn’t as potent as it used to be. It’s very faint.”
Hanzo: “Ain’t what it used to be?”
DM: “That old grey mare.”
Hanzo: “Ain’t what it used to be?”

Denelos suspects the sigil of being, at its strongest, mind control. Aliarra accuses him of being their servant the entire time and rolls for initiative. The group retires for the night, with Hanzo planning to get further treatment for the mark when they return back ‘home’.

DM: You all tuck into your beds, for another restful night. With dreams of ninjas. Now, for everybody, I want a roll of nothing. The night passes by uneventfully.
Aiden: Aliarra, you wake up, one of your kidneys is missing.
DM: In a bathtub of ice.
Aliarra: Regenerate, please.
DM: As you rise and leave your bedroom, Denelos leaves his room, actually wearing traditional mage robes.
Aliarra: Are those actually made of smoke?
DM: No no, these are actually of status, and his office…
Aliarra: I’m just saying, if I were him, I’d just… (mimes puffing on a pipe, then being swathed in robes.)
DM: “No no, I have to keep it…. real,” he says with disdain.
Aliarra: I don’t like what that implies about what we normally see him in.

Aliarra refuses to wear anything other than her armor for this coronation. Hanzo forgets how to pronounce ‘Aliarra’ for a while, repeatedly calling her ‘Arialla”. Despite this, Aliarra insists on having her comrade at her side during the coronation.

DM: As noon approaches, you step out the front door to go to your coronation. Out there, Griffon Harles is there, with another gentleman with a large hat.
Aliarra: Oh god. Oh god! It’s a representative from the barony’s haberdasher’s guild!
Hanzo: Onyxia! You were the baroness!
Aliarra: I intend to be doing this in full battle regalia, so… OoooOooOOooOoooOOoo…
Hanzo: See?! Ooo again!
Hanzo and Aliarra: OoooOoooOooOOOooOooo.

Aliarra abruptly discovers that her ‘barony’ is actually equivalent to a duchy in this kingdom, and she’s in direct vassalage to the King himself.

DM: I just like the word ‘Baron’. The Faldric lands were kind of a mishmash that came together…
Aliarra: I’ve been underrating my social standing this entire time. I’m glad I know that now.

The DM mispronounces ‘carriage’ unfortunately, and the players delight in speculating how the cottage will travel down the road. Aliarra tries to get Pan’s attention to make a magic carriage that doesn’t suck. She climbs onto the carriage and they set off, a bell ringing in the distance!

Aiden: TENS of people came out to see this!
DM: No, the criers have done the job well, lots of people line the streets, cheering.
Aiden: They’re just yelling, “WANKER!”

Mr. Bowler doffs his hat at Hanzo, leading the latter to question why the former keeps calling him ‘governer’. The carriage rolls to the center of town!

Aliarra: I’ll clamber down from the carriage.
DM: You are helped.
Aliarra: It’s probably for the best, I don’t have Climb.
DM: Waah! (miming Aliarra hitting the ground hard) The crowd goes silent, and then starts booing, hurling cabbage and tomatoes!
Aliarra: Why did they have cabbage and tomatoes!?
DM: They always have cabbage and tomatoes.
Aliarra: Just in case!

Aliarra climbs up to where the mayor awaits. The crowd is silenced by crossbows, and the mayor gives a very long-winded speech.

Aliarra: Oh, the greatest thing I can do right now. “And to celebrate my assumption of the barony… I! CLAIM! THE POWER! OF KALROTH!” Hold up the head, blind the entire barony. That would be the greatest, if I just chose now to go evil…
DM: “And finally, the last portion, to seal the deal so to say, we welcome… Our lord, our king—“
Cissy: “Prince Ali! Fabulous he, Ali Ababwa…”
Aliarra: Oh thank God I’m gonna get coronated by someone qualified to do the job.
DM: “Lord Falric!” The royal carriage rolls up.
Aliarra: Aaaaaaah time to take a knee!
DM: A large very ornate chariot – WHY CAN I NOT SAY CARRIAGE?!

Aiden demands that the DM roll for the king’s attempts to dub Aliarra, insisting that he’s using a Keen Vorpal Sword.

Aliarra: The king’s just a nervous man… “It can’t happen five times in a row, there’s no way it can happen – OH GOD!”
DM: The soldiers in front of you part and make a line towards the podium. The carriage stops right in front, and a very well-dressed man with sequins and the things jumps out, pulls out a red carpet, and pulls open the door. A very broad, handsome man steps out.
Aiden: It’s the bard.
Aliarra: And Mrrshala immediately goes, cha-CHING! Now that’s heir-making potential, she thinks!
DM: Wedding ring on hand.
Mrrshala: Fuck.
Aliarra: He could be a widower.
DM: King Faldric himself, in full ornate armor.

Everyone takes a knee, except for Cissy who just curtseys. The King steps up.

DM: “Your father was a good man, and it is good to see that something of him survived.” (a pause) “That’s it, I’m out!” Heh… “I can see no better person to put the barony’s hands into.”
Aliarra: “As king, I have the right to make out with all female barons…”
DM: “You show many characteristics that your father showed. And I still to this day cannot thank you enough for what you have done to this kingdom. To you, Aliarra Landsritter, I present, the Barony of Landsritter.”
Hanzo: (snickering)
DM: He hands you a rod.
Aliarra: I accept it.
DM: He pulls out a mantle, drapes you with it.
Aliarra: And in return I present you with THIS HEAD!

The king heads out, and a festival erupts! The mayor comes within an inch of being a seedy box merchant! Hanzo, bored, spreads the information that Aliarra requires a mate!

Aliarra: What the hell is wrong with you?!
Hanzo: He needs something to do!
Aliarra: Can’t you go ninja someone!?
Hanzo: Yes, ninja matchmaking, that’s what I’m doing!

Hanzo seeks out the old drunk and tries to spread the rumor there. It’s… pretty horrible! Aliarra wearily prepares for a ball, where all her suitors are fellow party members and fellow party members in terrible disguises.

DM: What do you do? Mingle with people?
Aliarra: If I’m going to be taking off tomorrow, I’m going to do some being seen.
Aiden: Huh?
Aliarra: I’m going to do some being seen.
Aiden and Mrrshala: Being seen?
Aliarra: Yes.
Aiden: What does that mean?
Aliarra: I’ll be seen by the people.
Mrrshala: Where?

Aliarra is baffled by these questions. Aiden sits bolt-upright as if stung.

Aiden: OH! Oh – OH! RP! I thought she was talking about being off tomorrow?!

Aliarra pretty much dies, because when she collapses to the table to laugh helplessly, her arm lands on several d4s. As the group mingles in the party, Aiden takes serious offense at the implication that Aliarra needs to watch him, but she claims to just be ready to intervene in case busty underaged Banglasharans hit on him too much. A person steps up for a moment of Aliarra’s time. Aliarra’s cohort FINALLY shows up and signs on to the party! Aiden grumbles that the party is a sausage factory.

Hanzo: How is it a sausage party? More than half the party is female!
Aiden: What are you talking about? One, two, three, four… There’s gotta be one male for every five women. It’s a borderline sausage party after that. …are you ASKING us to allow your new henchman to join your party?
Aliarra: It’s called roleplaying, you flaming dickhead.

Hanzo attempts to get Aliarra to produce an heir, all while being incredibly suspicious of her cohort. At last, they split off from the festivities, Aliarra wondering why she had so many suitors the entire time. Griffon Harles sends some volunteers with the group, six strapping lads.

Aliarra: Hanzo, are any of them ninjas? Five lads, and one guy with a black mask, and over that he has a paper bag.
Aiden: One of them has a T-shirt, “I’m with Ninja.”

Two very well-armored warriors from the Church of Skeldric sign up. Aiden is incredibly cranky that all the followers are male. With the leadership feat properly granted, and the group planning to leave on the morrow, they break the game and start distributing the loot!