Aliarra: Whose game is it?
Cissy: Cissy’s game!
Aliarra: It can’t be, because there are people who are voluntarily playing in it.
DM: Oooh.

As you may recall, the last game ended with the promise of imminent attack in the PCs’ sleep! They quickly choose their bedrooms.

Aliarra: Hanzo’s off in the ninja bedroom. All by himself.
Hanzo: As far away from Aliarra as possible.
Aliarra: You cynic! I can’t imagine your expectation that you’ll be attacked here.
Hanzo: No, he just wants to be as far from Aliarra as possible.

The DM angrily tears up his adventure for some reason. They begin setting up their minis in the drawn-out bedrooms!

DM: Are you two actually sharing a bed?
Aliarra: No!
Aiden: She’s like sitting by the door. But the peon controllers are having fun.
DM: Let’s see here. Aiden’s standing upright in her bed.
Cissy: Cissy’s laying half-on, half-off her bed…
DM: Upside-down… you people are WEIRD sleepers. Hanzo is on the dresser… You people are TERRIBLE at sleeping!
Aiden: I didn’t take any ranks in it.

Aliarra amuses herself with the Chariots of Fire theme, but finds herself completely unable to stop her phone from playing it for some time. The DM recaps their situation briefly.

DM: So you all bed down for the evening, Mrrshala taking up room in Aliarra’s master bedroom, in front of the door.
Aliarra: You can sleep somewhere else!
Mrrshala: Shut up.
Aliarra: There are plenty of beds!
Mrrshala Go. To sleep.
DM: She’s going to kill you in your sleep, Aliarra.
Aliarra: No she won’t, because she’s gonna be the heir if she does!

They have disturbing dreams – visions, even, ending with two glowing arcane eyes! The DM calls for Listen checks. But first, Will saves! Only Aliarra and Aiden actually pass, and the pair of them abruptly awaken. The DM queries who has their armor on – Aliarra points she doesn’t have hers, because she got the Called property on it.

Hanzo: You’re Tony Stark now.
Aiden: That’d be awesome if it had a chance for error.
DM: It forms up next to you, then collapses.
Aiden: No, like, the pants is on her head… The helmet is resting on her crotch…

Out of sadism, Aiden attempts to convince Pan that hunters in WoW are being nerfed. Aliarra suggests that they’ll start using war yo-yos.

Mrrshala: I hate you. Why am I dating you again?
Aliarra: Bad judgment on your part, I’ve always said that.
Mrrshala: No shit.

Cissy abruptly wakes up as she is stabbed with a kama and poisoned! Everyone immediately blames Hanzo.

Cissy: A fucking poisonous blade! You were the only one I LIKED in this group!
Hanzo: Wait, I just stabbed you? Oh, because I failed my Will save.
Aliarra: Hanzo’s finally done what all of us have wanted to do.
Hanzo: You got stabbed by ninjas. One of MY poisons would have killed you.
DM: You feel the poison course through your veins. You take four points of Con damage. Pan, you are also abruptly awoke by a blade entering your body! You are also awoke, and I need a Fortitude save.
Pan: I got a, um… 12 on the save.
Hanzo: Sadly not high enough, you take four points of Con damage!
Cissy: That’s it, I’m taking a level in cleric.
DM: Hanzo. You awake with a note on your chest.

The DM passes Hanzo the note, then calls for Mrrshala’s save. She actually passes! Pan continues a long habit of refusing to notice when anyone is saying his character’s name.

DM: Aliarra, you are first. You notice a hooded and masked figure in similar dress to one of your comrades raising a kama to strike you.
Aliarra: I throw the sheets at him. I propose we use the net rules.
DM: Sounds good to me…

The ninja is entangled by the sheet and Aliarra rolls to her feet on the far side of the bed. The group stares at Hanzo, waiting to see whether he chooses his clan or his party! He offers to kill Cissy first. Aiden sees the kama coming, but goes too slow to do anything, and takes 9 damage but no poison! Cissy, who is rewriting her character sheet, questions if she’s just wasted paper. Ninjas continue to stab people furiously, then all disappear. Except for the one in the sheets. With an amazing Listen check, Mrrshala detects an invisible ninja behind Aliarra, but has to burn her actions to stand. Aiden zips around on his boots of skating.

Aiden: Should I go into the master bedroom?
Aliarra: There are ladies there, the answer is yes!
Aiden: Oh that’s right. I’m a pervert! I gots to check on the ladies! “Ladies, are you okay? Are your titties in danger?!”

Aiden casts Bless. Pan leaps to his feet and casts Mirror Image. Hanzo leaps out into the hall, and finds two figures there!

DM: Place them across from you, please. They nod and the speak in your tongue.

The ninjas clearly expect Hanzo to join in their efforts, and so turn to march towards the master bedroom. Hanzo grimly plots to attack them.

Hanzo: …maybe I’ll wait another round.
Aliarra: He keeps saying that the entire combat, hoping he’ll never have to make a decision.
Hanzo: Well… no. If I wait to the next round…

Hanzo ponders his option, fearing to attack without being able to hit both of them, but wondering how he’s going to explain this to anyone.

Aliarra: “I was maintaining my disguise, if you all failed I was still among them to continue infiltrating them.”
Hanzo: Oh you’re actually convincing me not to help you. I like Aliarra’s idea.
Pan: I say we nuke this whole hotel from orbit.
Aliarra: NOOO! It’s… my home now…
DM: Temporarily, until the other one is built.
Aliarra: Just because it’s full of ninjas doesn’t mean it’s bad, it’s a fixer-upper!

Everyone hears a great roar outside, and the house shakes! Cissy casts Ring of Blades, causing a ninja to be shredded. Cissy takes a mighty 25 points of damage! Aliarra spends her action arming and armoring herself, which is incredibly dramatic and awesome but… accomplishes no combat. The sheeted ninja dramatically vanishes, leaving the sheet to drift gently to the ground.

Aliarra: “I’m not impressed!” I just look over at his ninja friend. “Was that supposed to be cool?”
DM: He GLARES at you.
Aliarra: Actually it was kinda cool, but I’m not gonna tell them that.
Cissy: HE BRISTLES!
Hanzo: Maybe I should help these guys kill her…

Cissy anticipates using her Ring of Blades for evil. A ninja attacks Pan, very luckily, but it takes a lot of work to get him to acknowledge the fact.

Aiden: Goddamn these ninjas.
Hanzo: Oh come on! They’re useless, remember? Everybody’s pissing their pants about it. They’re fucking ninjas. They’re crap. Just go and flick their ears, they’ll die.
Aiden: I doubt it! That one just took 44 damage, he’s not gonna flip.
Hanzo: He’s mostly dead, trust me.
Aiden: Noooo, I don’t think so.
Hanzo: Yeah!

Not entirely certain what to do with himself, Aiden casts a fire shield. Pan attempts to cast Tasha’s Hideous Laughter defensively, and in a testament to how bad his rolling is, actually manages to fail the Concentration check. Hanzo hurls a jar

DM: Alchemist’s fire!
Hanzo: No. Not exactly. Yes, I’m destroying Aliarra and her home. I’ll burn her house and leave her for dead. Justice is balance, Aliarra!

It is a jar of Green Sickness, and the two ninjas must make DC 33 Fort saves. Amazingly, they both fail, and take Strength and Con damage.

Aiden: Just claim you were throwing at the cleric and missed.
Hanzo: Do I have another action?
Aiden: You’ve got Bluff, use it! “They came from behind!” and jump through the door.

Hanzo ducks into an empty room. Everyone insults Aliarra for some reason. They hear a strangled screaming from outside!

DM: Cissy!
Aiden: You see your loyal companion Aiden, who has not attempted to fondle you yet. You are grateful. Aiden is not fond of women below four foot six…

Cissy charges up her familiar with a touch spell. Aliarra attempts to strike a ninja, but he chi dodges and escapes, so she flips her animated shield into the air around her and uses White Raven Tactics on Mrrshala. Animated shields are deemed specifically to make a “ooOOoooOOooo” noise. A ninja appears just in time to have his blow deflected by the shield.

Aliarra and Hanzo: OooOOooOOooOOooOOoo.
Aliarra: “Ah! It’s wooing too hard,” curses the ninja.
Cissy: Last week you allowed me to change one of my old feats… when I asked for DM acceptance, you said I could drop the Explosive Spell feat and change it out for something else?
DM: That was last week. I’m not so generous this week.

Silence.

DM: Just kidding.
Hanzo: Hey, I wanna swap some feats out too.
Aiden: Uh, I lost my sheet too. I need to rebuild my character… The DM turns, he goes to the bathroom, he comes back. “We all lost our sheets!” There’s like a small fire in the corner.
Hanzo: We’re all monks now.
Aiden: Every adventure we change our whole team up to meet the adventure. “I don’t know how we keep losing it.”

Aliarra gets whacked again, and then the ninja turns invisible. Things get confused!

Aliarra: What’s up, DM? What’s up, pussycat?
DM, Aiden, and Hanzo: Whoooaaaa-oh-oh!
Aliarra: That was great!
DM: Out of key, but…
Aliarra: WHO CARES?
Hanzo: Chi dodge…
Aliarra: You could say that this power is the key to your success.
Aiden: God damn it, Aliarra.

Aiden zips around, uncertain what to do with himself and reveling in his incredibly high movement rate. He decides to go see how Pan is doing.

DM: Pan! Aiden walks into your room, exclaiming, “Do you need aid?”
Mrrshala: “Heal me! Quickly!”
Aiden: That was me, early days of aid was following this commander around and he’d keep yelling at him. “Heal me! Quickly!” “Commander, a rat bit you, you’re okay.” “I could be diseased!”
Cissy: “Damn it, healbot!” “My name is Aiden!” “Shut up, healbot.”
DM: “Damn it cleric!” It’s WoW, where we call everybody by their classes instead of their names.
Cissy: All right, Pan.
DM: All right, Pan, it’s your turn.
Aiden: Pan. Pan!

They finally yell Pan’s real name and explain to him that they mean him when they say his character’s name. Pan finally pays attention.

Aiden: Aiden’s come into the room. Do you need aid? I’m using my free action to ask if you need healing.
DM: HA! I invoke DM BS! That’s a move action.
Aiden: Damn. The DM’s upgraded speaking to a move action!
DM: (malevolent laughter)
Aiden: I go to the book. Sign language is still a free language, it’s not considered a language.
DM: Do you know sign language?
Aiden: We’ll learn it!

Pan again tries to cast Tasha’s Hideous Laughter, but his ninja target is invisible again. He gives serious consideration to just healing AOEs everywhere.

Aiden: We don’t have what we need. If we had Sparkledust we’d be set.

Silence.

Aiden: I don’t know what it’s called!
Aliarra: Glitterdust.
Aiden: Gitterdust, Sparkledust…

The players begin helpfully rapping about ninjas, and we can’t imagine where they got that inspiration from. Hanzo slams face-first into an invisible ninja, and both of them appear though only Hanzo remains standing.

Hanzo: Am I the only one who just heard a warthog snuffling?
DM and Cissy: I heard it too.
Hanzo: Pan, do you have a pig?
Pan: Do I have a pig?!
Aiden: It’s the microphone, it makes funny sounds.
Hanzo: It’s never SNUFFLED before!
DM: Meanwhile, the other one pops out.
Aliarra: How swift they are to assume you’ve turned on them.
Hanzo: Well, they’re still coughing up a lung.
DM: It doesn’t look to good.
Aliarra: It coulda been an accident. Man, wouldn’t that be embarrassing for them?
Hanzo: Either that or I’m the third Stooge, just barreling into them.
Aliarra: They killed a promising ninja of their clan just because he rolled a natural 1 for hurling disease.
DM: Well, he didn’t say anything, and when they turned around he was gone.
Aliarra: He was embarrassed. Wouldn’t you be?
DM: What a terrible way to put that.
Aiden: He’s trying to Bluff!
DM: You should have.
Aliarra: Natural 20 on the Bluff check. “My bad!”

Hanzo takes 22 and rolls his save. Cissy sends her bat out to attack foes, only to discover she’s vastly overestimated the damage Chill Touch does. Cissy herself runs forward to get ninjas in her ring of blades to the best of her ability. Aliarra whacks a ninja, and the game gets very confused over which ninja used chi dodge. It turns out it wasn’t that one, and Aliarra deals 70 points of damage thanks to the Divine Surge maneuver.

Hanzo: And also he can’t make attacks of opportunity for three rounds.
Aiden: So if he’s brought back to life next round, he won’t still be able to get an attack of opportunity.
Hanzo: Yeah, like, tell us the damage first, THEN the aftereffects.

With a simple glare, Aliarra scares the other ninja, since y’know, his friend had just burst into flames and dissolved. Mrrshala hits him with Insightful Strike. One ninja stabs Aiden, the other attempts to stab Mrrshala, and hits himself instead. Aiden heals Pan.

Hanzo: (sighing) Now I’m a fugitive. It’s a lose-lose situation.
Cissy: How so? If you kill them all…
Hanzo: My entire people is wiped out.
Aliarra: Hanzo has the perspective to know that killing us all is probably bad for, you know, the world.
Cissy: “It’s okay, Hanzo! I’m not accepted anywhere either!”
Aiden: Do you work for the Kung Lao? From Mortal Kombat?
Aliarra: Oh great. Pretty soon we’re gonna have a palette swamp of Hanzo coming after us.

Pan hits two ninjas with a Lightning Bolt and Hanzo goes on a stabbing spree that finishes off the prone ninja, Japanese movie style. Hanzo manages to put -12 Strength on the other one in total, making him hilariously week. Cissy fires a Scorching Ray, and after elaborate math, manages to hit a ninja that had taken Dex damage, then hustles up right behind another one. Aliarra attacks! And misses! And uses White Raven Tactics on Cissy.

Cissy: So that means he takes damage from my spell.
Aiden: Ha! That’s awesome!
Aliarra: Yes. It is.
DM: He’s dead.

In the background, music challenges the players to take on me (take on me), take me on (take on me). A ninja disappears, the reappears smashing through the balcony window in an effort to escape. Another one stabs Aliarra!

DM: Five points of Strength damage!
Aliarra: Eh.
Hanzo: What’s that take you down to, 24?
Aliarra: I’m down to 16 Strength.
DM: Lower than Normilan’s.
Aiden: Your wizard was weird, DM. I think you should be quiet about that musclebound freak. He’s like one of those phone tellers who goes to the gym every day, and he’s like, “Hello, do you want to buy steroids? Trust me... THEY WORK!”

Aiden smashes in a ninja’s head, and the acid burst on his mace melts the guy’s clothes off. Aliarra sees a spear stab the dude on the balcony and yank him off.

Aiden: Watch out, it’s the Green Goblin. That’s what we’ve been hearing, he’s outside throwing pumpkin bombs at your house. Gliding around on his Tenser’s Floating Disc.

Aliarra whacks the remaining ninja, and then Cissy hurls an Orb of Acid at it!

Hanzo: Wow, that’s a lot of 6s.
Cissy: That’s a LOT of 6s.
DM: That’s probably gonna melt him AND the floor.
Aliarra: Nooo!
Cissy: 41.
DM: You lob an orb of acid through the air and it lands on his head. It rolls over him and dissolves him. The floor will need to be replaced. As far as you know, the battlefield is yours!

This means all the secondaries immediately kick in. Pan immediately collapses from an additional 9 points of Con damage, dropping him to a max of nine hit points. Aliarra hustles out to the balcony to see that Ignir has taken three ninjas out on his own.

Aiden: All right, um… so he’s back up. Is the poison damage over? My healing hands! He wakes up… “I have to heal you through your titties!”
Aliarra: “He’s a guy!”
Aiden: “I don’t care any more! I can’t be sexist with this!”
Aliarra: I can’t be sexist with my molesting.
Aiden: “If I keep doing this they’ll think it’s true! Don’t worry, I’ve convinced five other clerics to heal like this…”

Aliarra and Hanzo exchange looks that serve as a question and answer period. The night has run pretty late with all this combat, though, so the game ends here.