Last time the PCs had slain Mr. Obey, thus laying claim to the Body of Kalroth in the basement armory of Aliarra’s family. They celebrate by claiming everything in a pony MMO would be a microtransaction.

DM: The scene is just as you left it, the battle just finished. Hanzo standing over the corpse.
Hanzo: Did I kill him?!
DM: Yes.
Hanzo: Huh.
DM: You pretty much handled him yourself.

Aliarra pauses him right there by demonstrating that Hanzo’s new, temporary look resembles the Angry Video Game Nerd; Mrrshala in particular laughs herself to tears.

Aliarra: Where did my uncle go?
DM: He’s blubbering down on the floor.
Aiden: Oh I remember what happened now?
Mrrshala: Or do you?
DM: Yeah, or do you?
Aliarra: I’m gonna go grab him by the scruff of his neck and haul him to his feet.

Hanzo makes a Spot check, and notices Mr. Obey’s body subtly twitching. Hanzo quickly signals the others as obviously as he is capable of, being a ninja.

Hanzo: Just a very frantic “dot dot dot” with my arms waving.
Cissy: I’m gonna cast Disrupt Undead.
Hanzo: I’n gonna shoot him with my crossbow.
Aliarra: No, decapitate it!
Cissy: I’m gonna send my bat to cast Shocking Grasp.
Hanzo: Is the head still attached to the body? Sever it. Coup de gras style.
DM: Body’s still twitching.
Hanzo: Shoot it! I have a Greater Slaying bolt.
Mrrshala: He’s frantically semaphoring at us.
Aliarra: No, there’s a flag on the play!
Aiden: D&D refs come out. “Nope, flag on the play.”
DM: Its chest cavity begins to swell.
Cissy: Aww crap, Aliens time.
Aiden: More like an Ethiopian child who hasn’t eaten for a long time, and his belly’s full of gas.
Cissy: Even better. I’m gonna poke it with a pin.
Mrrshala: Oh god.

Cissy saves herself and proudly proclaims she’s doing so. The belly explodes, and black ichor flies everywhere. Something on his person quietly shatters. The group attempts to clean the gaming table, only for Aiden to fumble the rubbing alcohol and spill it everywhere. They attempt to contain it with a plastic white container, but some peculiar property of fluid dynamics causes it to slide across the table without being touched. This is much more awesome to see than it is to describe, and the group laughs itself sick while attempting to exorcise the ghosts and demons which are clearly responsible. This does end up making the table a lot cleaner.

DM: You pull out what seems to be a small music box.
Cissy: Wait, we found a music box inside the dead body?
DM: No, in the cloak. You find a pair of earrings as well, and then you pull out an amulet, and you notice that where the jewel was, it’s just completely shattered.

Cissy identifies the gem as similar to a phylactery, and the music box still plays a beautiful song – then pops open a hatch when the tune ends.

Hanzo: And inside?
DM: A slip of yellowing paper.
Hanzo: Readable?
DM: Yes, in Common—
Aliarra: The Secret Confessions of Mr. Obey.
Aiden: “If the good guys are reading this, I’m already dead.”
Hanzo: “This note will self-destruct in two seconds…”
DM: It says, “One day you will see, and then we will finally be together.” And it’s signed by someone named ‘Moresh’.

Aliarra Intimidates the hell out of her uncle for information. He wails and blubbers comically, but not usefully, for a bit.

DM: “They came several years ago! What was I to DO?!”
Aiden: Die with some goddamn dignity! I’m not there, I’m poking the body.
DM: “I never thought they would go so far as to burn down your father’s mansion!”
Aliarra: “You knew them before the mansion burned down.”
DM: “They threatened my life!”
Aliarra: “They threatened your wife?”
DM: “Yes, they threatened my wife! And my life! Aaaaah!”
Aliarra: I thought he was unmarried.
DM: “Mistress! Aaaah!” No, that is true…
Aliarra: “So your cowardice is why I’m an orphan now.”
Mrrshala: I’m just growling, deep in my throat…
Aliarra: “Who are they and what did they want?”
DM: “I never knew their names!”
Aliarra: “You communicated with them somehow!”
DM: “The one you just killed… his name was… M-m-m-moresh! That’s all I know!”
Aliarra: “What’d they want?”
DM: “The armor! They always wanted the armor.”
Cissy: Cissy breaks out the armor.
Aliarra: “Out of curiosity, what was their plan for me once my parents died, assuming they hadn’t lost me on a boat?”
DM: “I don’t know, they didn’t give me details.”
Aliarra: “What DID they give you?”
DM: “My life!”
Aliarra: “What was your role in this?”
DM: “To keep quiet.”
Aliarra: “It’s more than that. They wouldn’t have contacted you if you didn’t have something they wanted.”
DM: “It was never revealed to me!”
Cissy: “How exactly did they contact you?”
DM: “They came in the night!”
Aliarra: “And that was the first meeting? They showed and said, ‘we want the armor, keep quiet about this or it will be your life’?”
DM: “Essentially… There… m-m-may have been some transactions…”
Aliarra: “Such. As?”
Aiden: 30 pieces of silver, Aliarra.
DM: He sags. “I live very comfortably now…”

The group questions who Moresh might be working for and what their next step is. Aiden proposes they wait until someone shows up with a message for them, apparently believing this to be Skyrim. Aliarra begins planning on deposing her uncle as baron properly.

Aliarra: “No, I don’t blame my uncle for what he did. After all, he’s a coward and a weakling, what else would he do when his life was threatened? What I DO blame him for is being a coward and a weakling to begin with!”
Hanzo: At least the soup wasn’t poisoned.
Cissy: I’m gonna cast Permanency on Stinking Cloud and put it on your uncle.
Aiden: I don’t think you can do that…
DM: Hanzo, still rummaging through the clothes, in front of you a transparent head begins to rise.
Aliarra; Someone should tell me about this before I drag my uncle off to see the mayor…
Aiden: “Ah, there’s a head! Coming out!”
DM: It kinda looks like him, only more hideous. It leers at you.
Aliarra: I’m going to casually reverse my guisarme, slam it into the ground to pin my uncle’s sleeve. Tell him not to move. And while it sits there, flames guttering over it right next to him, I’ll go up and see what the head has to say.
DM: It starts off as a head, but the rest of the body begins to materialize, and soon hovering over the former corpse is the apparition of Mr. Obey himself.
Aliarra: “So you don’t learn lessons, do you?”
DM: “Apparently not.” His voice as hollow as the grave.
Hanzo: “Now you are dead twice over.”
DM: He looks around. “This is your final chance. Hand them over.”
Aliarra: “I’d tell you to spare your breath, but you don’t have any anymore. Funny how that works.”
DM: “Not yet, not yet.”
Aliarra: “You keep getting it, we’ll keep taking it away.”
DM: “I see. Very well.” He zips towards the exit.
Aliarra: It’s closed. (miming the spirit bouncing off the door and smacking into the floor)
DM: “I’m a TERRIBLE apparition! I can’t even get through solid objects!”

Cissy quickly deploys Disrupt Undead and Hanzo attempts to strike him, but his hand begins to burn and Hanzo can’t complete the strike.

Aliarra: Is that the hand he got the mark on?
DM: Ooh, well done. As he flees he’s like, “It’s TAINTED!”
Aliarra: Guess the cure didn’t take.
Hanzo: What mark do I have…?
Aliarra: Way back in the first adventure you got a mark on your hand—
Hanzo: Just me?!

The group quickly refreshes themselves on the history of the game. The apparition zips away, causing someone to scream. Aliarra seizes her uncle to drag him out, which apparently she needs to do so bodily.

Aliarra: All right, everybody grab a chin, we’ll all pull at once.
Cissy: Wow… As we’re walking by, I would silently like to cast Contagion, which affects one target with a disease of my choice.
Aliarra: I don’t think you can do that silently, dude.
DM: Verbal components have to be spoken loudly and clearly.
Cissy: “I want to give you THE AIDS!”
Aiden: Thunderclap.

They head out, finding a guard panting and gasping, while another one questions the scene before them. Hanzo declares himself to be Ray Stanz under the mask, causing Aliarra to declare this a twist and then start ranting about Signs, for literally no reason. Aiden joins in.

DM: “I say again, what’s going on?”
Aliarra: “The barony is returning to it rightful line of descent.”
Hanzo: That means you’ll have to stay here, right?
Aliarra: No, I’ll find someone else, I’m Chaotic!
Hanzo: Put Cissy in charge! She’ll stay here and run your household!
Aliarra: I’m CHAOTIC, not STUPID!

Aiden and Hanzo and burst into song!

Aiden and Hanzo: “You’re the best! Around!”
Aiden: We’re just in the background, singing. I want a game where I have alternate casting method, I have to sing an 80s song…
Aliarra: Just be a bard.

The guards sign on to Baron Aliarra’s regime, while in the background Aiden and Hanzo sing about Mentos. One of the guards salutes, at least. The DM begins setting up the battle map, prompting scowls from the players.

Aliarra: If a really thin guy climbs out of a fatsuit right now, I’m gonna be pissed, DM.
DM: The scared one smirks and says, “Oh yes, of course.”
Aliarra: Not the Scarred One.
DM: Thank you. Thank you for reminding me. Asshole.

Aliarra’s necklace abruptly vibrates, since they have to shoehorn Pan back into the game really quick. He rejoins the party just as two duergar burst from the ground!

Aliarra: The geomancers that weren’t in the encounter!
DM: “Sorry we’re late!”
Aliarra: “We’re here to obey!”
DM: So, let us get us—
Aliarra: 19!

That’s right, initiative! The players busy themselves setting up minis and trading Arnold quotes for some reason.

Pan: I can’t see the battlefield.
Cissy: It’s Earth.
Hanzo: Awww, see, that went over my head. That’s worse than any pun…

The DM describes the arrival of the geomancers in greater detail. The players ignore this for their own version, in which they arrive in the Technodrome’s drill tank or Dark Iron mole machines. Mrrshala charges forward at speed and promptly crits the geomancer. Aliarra advances forward, but unable to reach anything, uses White Raven Tactics on Mrrshala. The geomancer stomps a pillar out of the ground beneath her in turn, which hurls her skywards; she ends up prone, having taken 13 points of damage. Pan casts Magic Missile, after reluctantly moving away from the group. He rolls terribly. Hanzo misses.

Hanzo: I’m being useless. Just assume that for the next round. Couple of rounds. However long this lasts.

The DM plops down a TON of minis as cannon fodder pours out of the geomancer’s tunnels. They immediately begin spewing damage at poor prone Mrrshala!

DM: Mrrshala, I need four separate Reflex saving throws.
Hanzo: Four?!
Mrrshala: Oh my god.
Aliarra: If she gets 4 natural 20s, can she stand up?
Aiden: What is she, Jet Li over there?

This is Mrrshala, so no one questions the notion that this could actually HAPPEN. The DM considers this. In fact, Mrrshala rolls one natural 20 and nothing under a modified 20, so her total is 13 damage from quill demon spines. A dwarf charges Aliarra, she rolls her trip but fails to match the dwarf’s roll, and takes a blow.

DM: He ducks, dives, dodges, and… dodges…
Aliarra: So that was his attack? That was it?
DM: 24 points of damage as his fist coalesces into stone as he hits you.
Hanzo: I was hoping for a hundred-hand slap, but that’s cool.

Cissy lobs an Evard’s Black Tentacles into the fray to ensnare a lot of those quill demons. For some reason, she gets a hankering to cast Prismatic spells.

Cissy: I get Prismatic Ray.
Aliarra: Spray?
Aiden: Spray. (miming a breath spray)
Aliarra: Yeah, don’t point that into your mouth and spray, that’s a bad idea.
Aiden: I’m freshening my breath!
Aliarra: Yeah, I magicked my bad breath away to another plane. It also did 40 points of electricity damage, turned it to stone, and killed it instantly.

An NPC guard charges into the fray! The second one wanders off! Literally!

Aiden: They have immediately disobeyed your orders, as the first thing they do. One has gone to attack and the other has ran away.
Hanzo: Maniac. They’re both Maniac.
Aliarra: Yeah, someone might want to call out to that guard and ask him what the hell he’s doing.
Aiden: “Guard! Come back here!”
DM: He turns and gives you a sneer,
Cissy: He has no respect for you, son.
Hanzo: They were given the command to OBEY before we got here.

Aliarra whiffs her attack, rolling a mighty 2, while Mrrshala chases after the fleeing guard. Given the growing confusion and chaos of this battle, the PCs end up debating even the simplest move action a LOT. Hanzo attacks a quill demon.

DM: Pan, you’re up!
Aliarra: We could use something effective, Pan!
Aiden: Use your power, Pan, save the day.
Pan: Destroy everything!
Aliarra: Uh, not us.
Hanzo: Let the hate flow through you!
Aliarra: And not us.
Hanzo: Vile damage.

Pan fires off a Lightning Bolt, which finally distracts Aiden and Hanzo from their hushed Star Wars what-ifs as he deals 30 damage all around. The dwarf saves, two demons disintegrate, and Hanzo confuses a Pokemon battle theme remix as One-Winged Angel, then Dragonforce, before he is corrected. Two quill demons burst free of their tentacle grapples, somehow!

DM: Tumble that dwarf right next to Aliarra.
Aliarra: He didn’t just try to take a five foot step?
DM: He’s still entering your range, isn’t he?
Aiden: When you take a five foot step…
Aliarra: But he would get an attack of opportunity if he took a 5 foot step like that. The question is, does he know I have Thicket of Blades? Is he willing to spend a movement action to tumble 5 feet on that off chance?
DM: He’s doing the move.
Aliarra: So they know I have a stance I only picked up this level…

The geomancer punches out dirt in a cone, and this necessitates looking up the rules for a cone. No one is happy about this.

Hanzo: Stop saying cone! I want ice cream.
Aliarra: No, a koan is what a martial arts teacher tells you.

Dead silence, except for Mrrshala’s disgusted groan. Everyone manages to roll a 24 to save, and all those affected take 10 damage. After discovering the true depths of grapple rules, Cissy curses and vows to never ever use the spell again. She uses Scorching Ray this time instead.

DM: The other guard turns to Mrrshala—
Aiden: And spits in her face.
DM: Holds out a hand, and his forearms flare up in eldritch fire.
Aliarra: Ooh, he’s possessed.
Hanzo: No, it’s what’s his name, he’s – yeah.
Cissy: It’s Morgoth.
DM: The smell of burning flesh assails her nostrils.

He deals 28 to Mrrshala and then retreats; she attempts to trip with her AOO, but fails. Aliarra botches her attack again. Some violence erupts, but it’s increasingly difficult to figure out. Pan swaps to reserve feats and fires a Stormbolt off for a mere 11 damage. Hanzo deploys some poison.

Hanzo: Does a 27 hit this bad boy?
Aliarra: Bad boy bad boy.
Hanzo and Aliarra: Whatcha gonna do?
Aliarra: Whatcha gonna do when he poisons you?
Hanzo: Woohoo! Ninja die, coming through!
DM: He’s dangerous with those dice, we should confiscate them.
Hanzo: NO! It’s a gift. I’m going to keep them!
DM: You insert your kamas directly into his kidneys, and he looks worse for wear. What is the DC of the poison?
Hanzo: This one… is 28.
DM: 28?!
Hanzo: He’s getting some of the special batch.
Aiden: Wow! Hold on a second!
DM: He did not make it.
Hanzo: I’m gonna need another die. I figure what the hell. This is what I do in every video game, I stockpile all this shit. “I’m gonna need it, I’m gonna need it!” Then I get to the end of the game I’ve got an inventory screen full of useful shit that I could have used to get me to the end of the game. Never used. I’m not gonna do that at the table. He take 12 points of Strength damage.
DM: Good god.
Aiden: Good god! That would lower me to three Strength!
Hanzo: I’m fucking five point palm exploding heart technique this guy!

Aliarra eats Smarties to the accompaniment of extremely epic music. The geomancer attempts to punch Hanzo back, but whiffs feebly… not surprisingly. The geomancer is now too weak to actually use his powers, and the group notes this puts him about on the level of an earthbender from The Last Airbender, the movie. Cissy hurls some more rays into the fray. Aiden whacks a demon with a mace!

DM: The possessed guard lifts his hand again, firing off an eldritch blast. It hits Aiden, jumps to Aliarra, and then to Pan. You all take 24 points of damage.
Hanzo: For I beheld SATAN!
DM: Over the din of combat, in the distance you hear a, “BWAH BWAAAAAAAAH!”
Hanzo: The Eagles are coming!
DM: Mrrshala, you recognize that horn.
Hanzo: That is no orc horn…
DM: It sends chills down your spine and it makes your blood boil. You’ve heard this horn in the North many a time.
Hanzo: Is it the horn of the dog people?
Aiden: It’s the horn of lunchtime.
DM: You hear a loud boom, and then a ‘wha-crunch!’ coming from the direction of your friend there. The minotaurs use the horns like that.
Aliarra: But the minotaurs are our friends.
Hanzo: Minotaur pirates.
DM: The northern Centarsis Minotaurs have ravaged her people for decades.
Aliarra: How close are we to the sea, then?!
DM: Right there. The cliff overlooks the sea.
Aliarra: So right in the middle of this we have pirates.
Hanzo: Minotaur pirates.

Aliarra slays a geomancer. The other geomancer punches Mrrshala as she charges away to intercept the possessed guard.

Pan: Did I miss anything fun when I had to step out?
Aiden: I pooped a little.
Mrrshala: I pooped!
Aliarra: Pirates. I’m not joking.
Mrrshala: I’m not joking either.
Hanzo: Minotaur pirates.
Pan: I’m going to use my rocket launcher.

The group continues to scramble around without accomplishing much. It’s a combat, that’s how it goes. They desperately seek for ways to sink the ships, which given the distances involves seems unlikely. The possessed guard… leaps off the cliff.

Aliarra: Attack of opportunity!
Mrrshala: Don’t mind if I do!
Aiden: Don’t trip him, he’ll just fall anyways.

Mrrshala hits him, but he steps off the ledge anyway. Aliarra finally hits the damn geomancer and lops his head off. She runs to the edge to peer over…

DM: A large harpoon is stuck into the wall, and a very a thick chain runs all the way down to a waiting ship. You see several shaggy creatures on it.
Hanzo: Oh no…
Aliarra: Anyone? Come on? Get over here?
Aiden: What am I gonna do?!
Aliarra: Skate!
DM: On the chain, about three quarters of the way down, is the guard.

They run like hell to, and for, and onto the chain. Despite their level, the group is pretty bereft of flying magic.

Cissy: I’ve got Tenser’s Floating Disk.
Aliarra: …you and that fucking disk, man!

The ship turns out to be well within range of Medium spells, but somehow the warmage and the wizard are both completely blast-broke! Pan produces Confusion and Cissy drops a Wall of Fire across its deck. Aiden… even Aiden has no idea what he’s doing.

Aiden: I don’t remember what half these spells do.
Aliarra: You have some weird-ass spells! Briar Web?! Wave of Grief?!

Aiden charges into the fray and then regrets everything, refusing to leap onto the chain as he realized it will be his certain doom. The actual level of damage involved in hitting the water is debated.

Hanzo: If I made a clean dive, could I get to the water without being damaged?
DM: Uh… well… this is fantasy, we don’t have to take water tension into consideration.

Aiden dispels the mists. More boats appear in its wake!

Aiden: There’s like 30 boats.
DM: You see three others.
Aiden: That’s a lot of goddamn boats!
Aliarra: It’s not so many as it could’ve been! We were thinking 30!
Aiden: I see subs!
DM: Aliarra!
Aliarra: Charging down the chain!
DM: Balance check.
Aliarra: (rolling)
Aiden: (bursting into laughter) Why couldn’t it have been a 1?
Aliarra: What the hell, dude?
Aiden: I just wanna see it happen!
Aliarra: 11.
DM: That’s not enough.
Aliarra: As I start to feel my balance give way, I click the button on the Immovable Rod, thereby giving myself something to hold onto to prevent myself from falling.
Mrrshala: You asshole.

The minotaurs sever the chain, but Aliarra jams the immovable rod between the links to hold it upright between the cliff and that point. Mrrshala plunges into the water. Nine different minotaurs fail against the confusion spell… Aliarra releases the rod, holding onto the chain, and is killed by a jagged rock on the cliff – uh, holds on successfully. Minotaurs attack each other, leap into the water or through the wall of flames. The players, though, grimly accept that their foe has made his escape.

Aliarra: Still, it would be a nice blow to his dignity if he has to feebly swim to the next one.
Aiden: That would be hilarious if he’s like, “Ha ha – aaaah! Aaaaah!”
Hanzo: Jesus Christ, you basically cast the spell of Ice Hockey on these minotaurs. Just a cloud of dust on that ship with minotaurs flying out, mooing.

The ship eventually sinks, and Cissy sends off the minotaurs with Gust of Wind as a final fuck-you.

Aliarra: I’m afraid to ask this, but what happened to my uncle?
DM: He’s still there, blubbering.
Aliarra: Oh good. I didn’t think he’d actually run away, but I figured he’d manage to take quills from a porcupine demon and bleed out.
Cissy: Are any of the other boats sinking?
DM: No.
Cissy: God damn it.
Aliarra: Your spells are weak and you fail. You’ve done the one thing –
DM: You’ve did a decent amount of damage to them, you did some casualties on them…
Aliarra: It just wasn’t enough, and that’s all that matters. I’m reporting you back to Denelos. Denelos, Cissy sucks, give us a better one.
DM: “All right, I’ll see what I’ve got in the catalogue.”