The DM says he’s ready, so the recording begins! The DM then claims he isn’t ready. This little bit was included so certain players could complain about the bias of the transcription, which they so delight in doing, Last time, the PCs had recovered the head of Kalroth from the sect!

Mrrshala: Hey, we could fry up some cheese.
Hanzo: NO!

They refresh themselves quickly: the choice had been to seek out the body of Kalroth or try to steal back the heart, and they had chosen the former. They take lodging in the mage’s guild.

DM: Roll for initiative!
Hanzo: The tower’s turned on us again.
DM: Morning dawns. (playing generic morning music) Yeah, I’m in charge now.!
Aiden: We have a small music box that informs us when morning is…

An acolyte intercepts them as they leave their bedrooms, informing them that Denelos would like to see them at their earliest convenience. Aliarra cheerfully describes her armor washing and blow-drying her so she doesn’t have to take it off. As they head down through the tower, they observe the library to try to figure out how many damn bookshelves showed up that ne time, then look suitably awkward as they pass the out-of-order alchemy lab. Denelos bids them enter his study, greeting them.

DM: He puffs on his pipe.
Aliarra: Spells emerge, slaying us.
DM: “Oh, sorry, sorry… let me get someone to resurrect you.”
Aliarra: We’re all down a level. Damn it.
DM: “It seems some missives come over in the evening. Aliarra, you and Mrrshala have been summoned to your temple. Or your barracks, I guess is what it is.”
Aliarra: “Little from Column A, little from Column B.”
DM: “Faldoun wishes to see you.”
Denelos: “Aiden, the high priestess wants to speak to you as well…”
Aiden: “Ah…”
DM: “And Cissy, I think we need a word as well.”
Aliarra: “You’re fired.”
Cissy: “When I sent you away, I didn’t anticipate you coming back.”
Aliarra: “Why aren’t you dead?”
Aiden: I was in my room all night last night, right? The priestess wants to talk to me. The last time was because of my activities. So… I was in my room the whole night… right?”
Aliarra: Are you attempting to verify with us? Or attempting to BRIBE us? I can’t tell.
Aiden: I’m trying to remember. I don’t remember doing anything, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen…
DM: “No missive for you, Hanzo, but I do ask you a favor.”
Aliarra: “Stop sucking! Reroll!”
Hanzo: (holding up a piece of paper with an ellipsis on it, to signify his response)

Denelos quietly asks Hanzo to acquire some ungol dust. Comedy ensues as Hanzo repeatedly hears this as ‘ungol lust’. Hanzo verifies that he can pick this up from the market, and doesn’t have to go back to Hidden Ninja Village.

Aliarra: And meet the incredibly sketchy poison merchant. “Poisons hear, getcha poisons! Some of the saving throws a little too high, some a little too low…”
Hanzo: “And you’ll need a box to put them in!”
Cissy: “You want a box, go talk to my cousin!
Aliarra: I’m off to see Faldoun. Come with me, Mrrshala.
Mrrshala: I’m coming.
Aiden: I’m off to see the priestess.
Cissy: I’m off to see the wizard!
Hanzo: What about Drusila?
Cissy: Who do you think made our breakfast?
Aliarra: We took Drusila to a nice farm with lots of air and space to run around. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it…

They split the party. Aliarra and Mrrshala are up first, entering. The assembled worshippers of Skeldric are assembled in the courtyard, and as the two salute, lift their weapons and cheer the two.

DM: “Welcome back, sister.”
Aliarra: Oh, this is really serious. That was actually kind of formal for him.
DM: “We take a moment and say thank you, for all that you have done to help us survive. We know that we are trying to do the best we can in tough times, and sometimes we don’t remember to say ‘thank you’. The deeds you have done for the order of Skeldric have been great and many. Bards sing of your tales in the taverns. The proof sits ther ein your pack.”
Aliarra: “I’ll feel more grateful about accepting your thanks when I’m sure it’s not all for naught. We still have a ways to go.”
DM: “This is true. But at least we can have this moment to say thanks. Who knows what the great road brings us, what glory will bring us to our lord.”
Aliarra: He’s totally telegraphing that he’s going to kill me off! Listen to this! I could not have a bigger bullseye on me right now! ..lacking words, I kneel in homage and give thanks on bended knee.
DM: “Then that brings me to two things.”
Aliarra: “One: get out.”
DM: “One, to Mrrshala, who has been your compatriot throughout these months.”
Aliarra: “You’ll be all right when she’s gone, Mrrshala…”
DM: “To you, I bestow the best I can to one not in our order, and call you Shield-sister. I give to you this gift.” A package is brought to you.
Aliarra: Package opened automatically!
Aiden: Takes your hand and picks you up. “Now to sacrifice you to give Skeldric more power!”
Aliarra: “Skeldric has requested you serve him – PERSONALLY!”
DM: “And to you, Aliarra… I bestow a higher rank, of Justicar.”
Aliarra: Out of character, what does that mean?
DM: Just a higher rank.
Aliarra: No real meaning, just roleplaying purposes.
Hanzo: The Fifth Army is the next step.
DM: “We are not one for great ceremony, but there is one we typically follow when giving such ranks.” He closes his gauntleted fist, and his sword drops from the heavens. Clang!
Aliarra: I really need that crystal…
DM: Wreathed in while flame. He slits his wrists just enough so that blood is coming out, and he holds it out to you to do the same.
Aliarra: I do the same. Into the delayed damage pool it goes. “Give it a round, sir – there we go!”
DM: You grasp forearms and shake on it.

The two of them get magical armor as their rewards package, plus the crystals that do the gratuitously-flashy weapon summon. Aliarra visibly fangirls. Faldoun finally drops the formality to everyone’s relief, and they celebrate with booze and merriment. Aliarra also gets the Called property applied to her armor and picks up an animated shield. Combat transformation jokes are made. Aiden heads to his priestess!

DM: The head priestess, whose name I forgot, I wrote that down and I can’t find the fucking information… greets you!
Aiden: “Hey, what’s up.” I’m just playing, I’m not that level… “My lady.”
DM: “It was a matter of time that we needed to thank you. Many of us, in the city, especially in the recent turmoil, realize this. And you have come such a long way from when you came to us…”
Aiden: “Has it been six years? On my path to recovery?”
DM: She wanted, again, to give her thanks to you, and pray for you that you continue on to do great things. They hand you a package.

Armor for Aiden! Back at the academy, Denelos talks with Cissy (and Pan, whose player is absent this day).

DM: “I’m proud of both of you. You’ve come a long way. Especially you, Cissy. You haven’t blown up something in the college in a while. Probably because you’re out of it all the time.”
Cissy: “I’ve had to learn to control myself…”
DM: “I figured being around others would do that. And Pan. You’ve done so little so far.”
Cissy: “Have you nothing to say for yourself?”
DM: “You’ve only been on, like, one adventure with these guys. And only for half of it. But don’t worry, we’ll get you on board.” Anyway, that’s not at all canon at all, so just cut that out…

The transcriber sarcastically agrees. The group attempts to convince the transcriber to post all the redacted stuff, to his absolute horror. Armor for Cissy! Cissy spends several minutes squabbling with Aiden and Aliarra about the properties and usefulness of mithril full plate to a warmage.

Aiden: What you don’t realize is the armor has been enchanted to deepen your voice. You put it on?> (deeply) “Yaaaaay.”
DM: “Oh thank god. It works.”
Aliarra: Also it’s cursed.
Hanzo: A cursed armor of Harlem Shake.
DM: Hanzo, you head into the darker allies of the city. One where not many would dare to tread.
Hanzo: They merely adopt the darkness…
DM: And join the League of Shadows… You take a left there, a right there… There shouldn’t be a right there, but you know there is, and you go through. Tucked away in a little square almost, several stalls are standing there. You see your mark… the POISON vendor. “Aaaaah. So good to see you again.”
Hanzo: “As always.”
DM: “What can we get to you today?”
Hanzo: “A bag of ungol dust. Two if you can spare them.”
DM: “Ungol dust? Let me take a look at my wares…”
Hanzo: “Take your time.”
DM: Gimme a Listen check.
Hanzo: 22.
DM: As you’re waiting, looking amongst the vials of other stuff, in the distance you can hear, “Boxes, boxes here! Boxes here—“
Hanzo: (miming a shuriken toss)
DM: “ – oh bugger!” Several minutes pass and you realize your stall companion has not come back.
Aliarra: (looking up from a book as this catches her attention) Dude, did you stone-cold kill someone while you’re out!
Hanzo: No! He killed himself! That means it’s fucking Christmas for me! I’m gonna open the book to all the expensive ones…

He peers in, and sees that the merchant appears to be hiding. Catching on, Hanzo looks around, and sees a man in magnificent armor and a leather cowl twirling a dagger. Hanzo realizes he remembers the face… but then the memory disappears as he looks away. But the man is smiling!

Hanzo: “What brings you here?”
DM: “You do, guv. You do.”
Hanzo: “And how can I assist you?”
DM: “No no, guv, it’s how you can assist me? Or.. how you have been assisting us. Maximilian Bouvier. Head of the Thieves’ Guild, at your service.”
Hanzo: Eff…. “Hanzo, at yours.”
DM: “Oh, I know you. We know quite a bit about you. We don’t just steal trinkets. We gather information and sell that sometimes. It is our business to know.”
Hanzo: “And how have I assisted you in this endeavor?”
DM: “We got a pretty good joint here. This city’s prosperous for us. And your endeavors with your comrades helps keeps this city like that. Now I’ve been… convinced to come talk to you at last. They said I’d be the one most suitable. And they wanna give you thanks.”
Hanzo: “If I have rendered service, knowingly or unknowingly, you are welcome to it. My first duty is still to my clan.”
DM: “Of course, of course. However…a possession of one of your peoples came into my possession years ago.”
Hanzo: One of my pupils…?
DM: Peoples. I tried to put an accent on it… “It sat on a shelf gathering dust. I think you might get more use of it!”

A box appears for Hanzo! He swears, because box. Inside are a pair of kamas! Hanzo disparagingly hurls his own away. The guildmaster encourages him to keep up the good work, and gives him the ungol dust for free, to the shopkeeper’s dismay.

DM: “And if you ever run into that Drusila character, tell her… we’ll kill her, since she’s not a registered member of the guild.”
Aliarra: She’s a baker, why would she be?
Hanzo: That’s a front, come on!
Aliarra: I don’t think that’s Drusila’s idea…

The two part ways, and the players take care of spending their money. The game grinds to a halt, because cake.

Aliarra: “Despite the honors bestowed upon me this day, it actually leaves me feeling kind of sad.”
Mrrshala: “Why is that?”
Aliarra: “Because I don’t feel we’ve earned them yet. We could still make a mistake, and everything could come crumbling down. Not that we’re going to stop fighting as hard as we can, but there’s still a lot of fight left before we can say anything’s safe.”
Aiden: “These treasures will aid us in doing it. Getting them after everything is said and done would be kind of pointless.”

Time passes. And continues to pass! Eventually everyone reconvenes with Denelos.

Aiden: “That went better than I expected.”
Aliarra: “…have you been defrocked?”
Aiden: “No, they congratulated me, shook my hand… gave me prizes. Then I realized they were celebrating me for aiding the world, saving it, and not my ability to not get in trouble. Part of me is slightly disheartened.”
Aliarra: “I think you had the best of all possible results there.”
Aiden: “Yeah.”
DM: “All right, lads and lasses, it looks like you’re heading down to the Landsritter province.”
Aliarra: “You’re joking.”
DM: “No. I’ve already sent word to your uncle.”
Aliarra: “…figures.”
DM: “Aliarra, your family has a long, rich history. And it goes beyond the history books.”
Aliarra: “I wish now I’d had the opportunity to learn MORE of it.”
DM: “This even greater one goes back to Bilius Landsritter, who helped form the Faldric Empire. And it goes even further back than that. The last Archmage of that time period left a journal, that talks about putting up some sort of display case for a relic that was given to the Landsritters, years and years ago.”
Aliarra: “An armor stand, perhaps?”
DM: “Exactly. It had some peculiar spells on it, can’t say I know what they are, exactly. Be interesting to see what happens.”

A long pause.

Aliarra: “Very well then. So it is.”
DM: “Unfortunately, since the magical attack, magic’s been acting rather… funny…”
Aliarra: I step away from Cissy.
DM: “No, her spells are a little more localized. Anything over long distances is more unpredictable.”
Aliarra: “Ah, so we need a boat adventure, is what I’m hearing…”

Denelos explains that he can teleport them to his summer cottage, because he has a focus to act as an anchor for the spell. It will be two days away, but that’s better than nothing.

DM: “Feel free to use it to your liking.”
Mrrshala: Poop in his bed…
Aiden: “I haven’t used in years, but I’m sure it’ll be just fine.”
Aliarra: Bandits everywhere.

Agreeing to depart on the morrow, the party heads back up to the tower to get one last good night’s sleep.

Aliarra: My days of sleeping in my armor are OVER!
Cissy: You’re a woman?!

After a long pause, the DM cheerfully plays his generic morning music to signal the next day has come. A long search for sound effects for morning leads to the General Lee’s horn being installed on the bridge of the Enterprise as the red alert noise.

Aliarra: “Well those Federation boys done got themselves in a heap’a trouble.”
Hanzo: I was thinking the same thing…
Aiden: “Will they be able to squeeze between those two planets and get past the black hole in time? We’ll have to see.”
Aliarra: You see the Enterprise soaring over a black hole. The Borg Cube misses the jump…
Hanzo: (collapses into laughter) Of course in half the episodes, you see when the Enterprise lands on the other side, one of the nacelles comes loose. They’ve destroyed yet another Enterprise to film that jump…

Denelos takes them to the teleportation chamber, past the meditation chamber, and bids them form into a circle.

DM: “Make sure you’re in the circle. It’s for your safety.”
Aliarra: RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!
Aiden: “Ah ha! Finally!” (mimes peeling a mask off) “Denelos without his skin on?!” “Oops, went too far with the mask…”
DM: “Let’s see here… what did I use as the focus for that house… Ah yes, the sugar pot.”
Aiden: We’re gonna end up somewhere else. His old memory will fail him…
Aliarra: I hope he’s using Teleport Without Error, and not just Teleport…
Hanzo: How did you – get out of my head! I’m reading about that right now.
Aliarra: He’s using an even lower-level spell, Teleport With Substantial Error.

Denelos teleports them all into an entirely too small kitchen, which doesn’t kill them only because Aliarra isn’t wearing her armor. They head out of the house, unwilling to get comfortable, and mock the house for appearing dilapidated on the outside. Their day of travel is uneventful, and they set up watches! The night passes uneventfully, and they travel onwards… till at last they crest a hill, and the smell of the ocean hits them!

Aliarra: “Last time I was here, it was to catch a ship that took me to the frozen north. Memories. Onwards we go then.”
Mrrshala: “But that’s where we met.”
Hanzo: “You don’t wish to stop?”
Aliarra: “We’re going to the manor house, because we’re looking for the armor, remember?”
Hanzo: “No.”

A pause.

Hanzo: “Doonesbury…”
Aliarra: Go back to your ‘dot dot dot’, it’s easier!
DM: But as you walk down you look to where the manor house was and you don’t see it. Apparently the fire consumed it all.
Aliarra: “It doesn’t surprise me. Does depress me, but doesn’t surprise me.”

They send Hanzo off to Gather Information about where the contents of the manor house had been relocated to. He heads off, leading the rest to stand there awkwardly.

Aiden: (clapping his hands together) “Time to do what I do best and break that awkward silence. So, this is your hometown, right?”
Aliarra: “Yes. Let’s go find an inn and wait for Hanzo. And drink while we do. Sounds like a good plan, doesn’t it? Also loan me the Hat of Disguise.”
Hanzo: I don’t have it.
Aliarra: Who has the Hat of Disguise?
DM: Uh, Drusila did.
Aliarra: God damn it!
Aiden: “Why would you want to wear the Hat of Disguise in your hometown? You wanna announce yourself! Go down to the bars, be like, ‘she’s back’!”
Hanzo: Kick the doors down.
Aiden: “Or are we trying to keep your identity a secret or something? I don’t get it. As many bad things as I’ve done, heh, let me tell you what! I would go back there and announce myself proudly.”
Aliarra: “How do you think that would go for you?”
Aiden: “Uh, some jail time. A little bit. I have to serve like five days. But after that… I probably wouldn’t be allowed in any of the bars.”
Aliarra: “You’ve never told us the sordid details of your past.”
Aiden: “Uh. …let me just -- long story short, uh, there were a lot of screams, me leaving a lot of towns, and eventually ending up in a priest, uh, hood where I had to redeem myself. But that’s okay. It was good… good for me. And I think when I go back there they might – not thank me, what’s the word… forgive me? Maybe? Perchance? Plus I need to go see some of the kids.”

Mrrshala elects to go wandering instead of going to the tavern, while Aiden proposes to ask people about Aliarra without actually admitting she’s here. Aiden, who’s oddly fired up, takes this with glee.

Aiden: I point to a random person on the street. “Tell me, good sir! Where’s your finest drinking establishment, so that I might find the tasty beverage, and a keen rumor to my ear?!”
Aliarra: You point to a guy wearing a signboard for ‘the Sow’s Ear’ tavern. “Where’s your tasty—“ “Why… the Sow’s Ear, sir…”
Aiden: “You wear its sign, it must be delicious. LEAD THE WAY!”

They enter a nearby bar, and apparently step into a Western, to judge by the music being played.

Aiden: Ah! I pony up to the bar. “Good sir, what’s your finest beverage?”
Aliarra: …did he say ‘pony’ up to the bar?
Aiden: Damn right I did.

Aiden orders beer in the dirtiest glass for some reason and the group settles in to drink. They pump the rumor mill to find that Aliarra is believed dead, and even has a grave up on the hill! This they want to see.

Mrrshala: I’ll probably meet them there, because if that’s the rumor I heard.
Aliarra: “Aaaaah! Aliarra! You’re a gh-gh-gh-GHOST!”
DM: Hanzo, your information gathering has taken you down to the docks. Quite a trip, but your quick feet have taken you there… quickly. Wow, man. Swiftly.
Aliarra: Dude, oil your flavor-text generator, it’s a bit rusty!
DM: Your quick feet take you there swiftly. There we go.
Aliarra: What do the docks look like? Give us an epic description.
DM: They’re very docky. You see a wizened old man sitting on a crate, puffing on a corncob pipe.
Aliarra: Notice how everyone in the DM’s world is a pipe-smoker.
DM: Look, it’s common here, what can I tell you?
Aiden: It’s the DM’s dream world.
DM: Everyone smokes a pipe. Even children. And dogs. Possibly the cats, haven’t decided yet. Think back to Lord of the Rings, everybody fucking smoked in that book. A moment to waste? Pull the pipe out!
Aliarra: Complain about it if you don’t have it. Gandalf: “Agh, I need a hit…”

After a laborious and winding interrogation, they determine that the Landsritter estate was taken over by Aliarra’s uncle, in a manor house outside of town. Mrrshalla, for her part, pokes around the graveyard, meets up with Aliarra and Aiden, and discovers Aliarra’s gravestone.

Aiden: “Now listen, this is NOT the first time I’ve walked with somebody to their supposed gravestone. As much as you might want to dig up the gravestone to see what’s inside, you don’t want to do that. Unless somehow it’s pertinent to finding this armor.”
Aliarra: “No. At least I hope not, that would be very awkward if that’s where they buried the armor…”

Hanzo reappears abruptly! Aiden wonders what he knows…

Aiden: “Did you happen to find anything about an Uncle Lansbury?”
DM: Lansbury! (laughing)
Hanzo: …Really?

Aliarra smashes down her tombstone with Divine Surge.

DM: You destroy your own gravestone.
Aiden: “That’s a way to deal with your own death, but I think we should have some sessions…”
DM: Symbolizing that you are indeed not dead.
Aliarra: Yes, thank you. Shut up, Aiden.

They debate their potential choices for getting the armor – do they take a straightforward path, or do they get Hanzo to do some sneaking around? The hostility of said uncle is in question, as well as his allegiance in general.

Aliarra: I’m for the straight route of, ‘hey, we’re looking for this armor, here’s why,’ see where it gets up.
Aiden: That’s fine by me.
Aliarra: “We’ve gathered other objects that have similar powers. Behold, this book. These eyes. THIS HEAD! Ha ha, get it!”
Aiden: We walk up to him, he’s already wearing the armor. “I sense the other pieces. Guards, kill them.”
Aliarra: We can handle ourselves in a combat…

They take lodging at the inn for the night, and their rest and the breakfast the next morning is undisturbed. On the way out, they refine their plan, intending not to identify Aliarra immediately. Aiden gets cynical about what they’ll find.

Aiden: “Just the usual. Large spiders, guards patrolling, minotaurs on the towers…

After an hour or so, they reach the manor house! They knock at the door. Aiden is disappointed about the knockers in question.

DM: An old man with a wrinkled pruny face opens the door. “Yeeees? Can I help yooooooou…..”
Aiden: “Hello. Are you the lord of this manor?”
Hanzo: (snorting in disbelief)
Aliarra: (facepalming hard)
DM: “Noooooo, sir, I am merely the servant…”
Aiden: “May we speak to your lord?”
DM: “May I ask whooooooooooooo is coming to visit?”
Aiden: “I am the cleric, Aiden. I wish to speak to him about important business.”
DM: “And what busineeeeeeeees is this?”
Aliarra: “The legacy of the family.”
DM: “Indeed…. Indeed. I will deliver… this news to him…”
Aiden: I cast Haste on him. This is taking way too long!
Hanzo: Don’t you dare, this is awesome.
Aliarra: It’s a good thing this isn’t the second edition version that ages you a year when it’s cast.
Aiden: He just has a heart attack and dies.
DM: He closes the door and shuffles off.
Hanzo: Aww, I was just about to ask him about his old grey mare.
DM: Several minutes pass.
Cissy: And he just made it to the stairwell.
DM: “I need to take a break…” About ten minutes pass and he comes back. “A… pologies for the wait, lords and ladies…”

They enter into the house, although the servant’s extended vowels continue to grow more extended with each sentence. After a wait in the waiting room, the servant takes them in, introducing Aiden as ‘Aiden Wife’ in the process.

DM: “Yes, yes, Aiden, how can I help you today?” A big enormous man stands before you at his fireplace. Jowls hanging down.
Aiden: “We seek an armor that was in the holdings of…”
Hanzo: “YOU!”
DM: “Aliarra!? IS THAT YOU?!”
Aliarra: Told you we should’ve given me the Hat of Disguise…
Aiden: Well we didn’t have it, it’s not like I was like, ‘here it is, right here, it’s the Hat of Disguise!’
Cissy: “Cissy had it the entire time! Sorry!”
Aliarra: What happened to those forty disguise kits we got off those quill demons… “I’m surprised you recognize me, Uncle. It’s been so long. And a great deal of time…”
DM: “It has been a long time, but girl, your face is the same! The eyes... the smile… well, you’re not smiling now…”
Aliarra: “I picked up a couple of scars, here and there.”
DM: “We all thought you DEAD, girl!”
Aliarra: “I know, I saw my tombstone.”
DM: “We’ll have to have that taken down!”
Aliarra: “Already taken care of.”
Aiden: “Don’t worry, it’s been taken care of.”
Mrrshala: “It’s already done.”
Aiden: You just hear the town going into a panic off in the distance. “Aaaah, there’s a ghost afoot!”
Aliarra: “Tombstone smashing ghost!”
DM: “Oh, this is… oh… this is… this is too much for me…”
Aliarra: He says, then drops over dead.
Cissy: The city watch shows up, looking for who vandalized the graveyard.
Aiden: Don’t worry, I’m a cleric. “He’s just fine.” Stand him up..
Aliarra: We’re not Weekend at Bernie’s-ing this.
Aiden: Yes we ARE!
DM: “Well come girl, it’s almost my lunchtime, let us feast together!”
Aliarra: Oh thank god, I’d have to have put him out if it wasn’t.
Hanzo: Lunch’ll probably last a few hours if it’s the serving man…
DM: “Your… soup, sir… it was tomato soup… unfortunately, now it’s gazpacho.”

They take lunch with the uncle, and quickly inform him of their need for the armor. Said armor is apparently in the underground armory, which was untouched by the fire ages ago. The uncle summons the carriage to take them back to town! ..many jokes are made about the elderly servant pulling it.

DM: No, fortunately there ARE horses.
Aliarra: Aged and wrinkled.
Mrrshala: Saggy old nags…
DM: No, they’re quite well-fed and well-taken-care-of.
Aliarra: “Naggy! But she was old when I was a child!”
DM: “No, it’s Naggy Junior.”

Aiden continues to dig into Aliarra’s past, growing angry as he does.

Aiden: Your past seems far more merry than you made it out to be when we first got here. You have a loving family, horses, a loving uncle… I thought your uncle would just be like, “a warrior of Skeldric? Oh my god, what would your father say?” Instead he’s just like, ‘that’s so great’. I’m waiting for the moment when this turns all bad, but it’s just not happening.
Aliarra: When he locks us in the armory, and it turns out he was really pretending to be the museum curator, I mean my uncle, the entire time. The DM just literally, LITERALLY stole that DM’s map of the museum. No wonder that DM can’t find his notes…

They travel! Aiden attempts a Heal check to solve some problems with the ancient servant, maybe get him in functional shape again. He fails. They arrive at the burned down manor house, with almost no traces of it left.

DM: In the middle of the plot of land, you all notice a small, what looks to be temporary stone building. It’s not built to last.
Aliarra: You’re gonna need to give me a moment, I’m going to be over here staring contemplatively at the patch of ground where my bedroom used to be.
DM: (chuckling)
Aliarra: Oh, he laughed at it. I was actually honest-to-God serious.
DM: I just liked how you said it, is all. “Where my BEDROOM used to be.”
Aliarra: I drop my drawers, take a whiz, move on, apparently.
DM: You just sounded spiteful for a moment.
Aliarra: It IS kind of spiteful! It burned down!
Aiden: “So you weren’t here when the fire happened?”
Aliarra: “It’s a long story. Long story short, I ended up on a ship to the north.” Does my uncle have any children by the way?
DM: Not while you were around, no.
Aliarra: Well, I would have asked him about that.
DM: No, he’s still childless.
Aliarra: Excellent. (a pause) I mean, y’know, poor guy—
Aiden: That sounded too creepy! I’m so hoping that was out of character, because in character it sounds like your character’s going, “Excellent.”
Aliarra: In-character it means I can leave him with the family estate and leave him to tend to it, so when he passes on, I can inherit it, which leaves me plenty of time to do my business instead of feeling obligated, like I have to step in and take it over any time soon…
Aiden: I just rolled a 20 on my Heal check. He is ‘bout to die.
DM: “Oh my god!”
Aliarra: Admittedly, I have no ranks in Sense Motive, he could be pulling the wool over my eyes this entire time…

The armory is opened, and they descend! They quickly start assessing the weapons for magic, since hey, technically all Aliarra’s. At the far end, a display case holds a breastplate – the object they’re after! Aiden takes some time to study the magical ward on the case, then lobs a Dispel on it.

Aliarra: You dispel the armor. Our quest is in vain.
Aiden: That’s all we had to do to end the quest?! Bring out the other items, let’s put this shit to bed! The evil’s like, “I don’t see the other items. What happened?” “They dispelled them.” “THEY CAN DO THAT?!”

Unsurprisingly, this fails. With no recourse, they attempt to touch the display case; no one is even capable of doing it but Aliarra, but this has no effect. (Cissy gets knocked on her ass, and everyone finds this hilarious.) Aiden continues to demand that Aliarra ought to know how to access the case, though Aliarra steadfastly maintains her father probably would have told her when she was older.

Aliarra: I kick it open! It knows it’s me!
DM: That’s not the Landsritter Special.
Aliarra: Really? That’s sad.
Cissy: “Avenge me!”
Aliarra: “It recognizes me… Skeldric help me, there’s probably some sort of password.”
Cissy: “Open sez me!”
Mrrshala: “Skeldric is awesome!”
Aiden: Do you remember your father telling you some…
Aliarra: Did he ever sing a secret nursery rhyme?
Aiden: God damn it, that’s exactly what I was trying to get at. Teleported high five. Clap.
Aliarra: “Red yellow blue, and red green too…”

They laboriously take a 20 on searching the base of the stand, and find a depression on the back of it at last. Aliarra pokes a finger into it, but nothing happens.

DM: It’s just a small little depression, not too much bigger than a thumb.
Aliarra: It can only be inherited by males, and this is why.
Aiden: …that’s horrible.

At last, on the advice of the Mind of Kalroth, Aliarra cuts herself on her armor spikes and sticks her injured thumb in the hole. The bars retract, leaving the armor free for the taking.

DM: You grab the Body of Kalroth.
Aliarra: …I don’t like the way you said that, all seductive.
DM: Oh yes. The Body of Kalroth. Behind you a great bellowed sob.
Hanzo: It’s not your uncle.
Aiden: Awww, DUDE! It was a trap. How did we not see—
DM: “I’m so sorry…” And in great Second Birthright Campaign DM fashion: (slow-clapping)
Hanzo: Woohoo!
DM: Above you, on top of the more railing area—
Aiden: You’re not supposed to be in the campaign, Golbez, get the fuck out of here!
Aliarra: It was him all along! (singing( “Oh my gosh, I was wrong! It was Anuire, all along! Yes you’ve finally made a monkey…”
DM: You see a very gaunt figure, skin stretched across his face. His eyes are pupilless. His arms have no skin from the forearm down, they are blackened bones.
Cissy: Oh thank god, someone I can blast away…
Aliarra: “So are you the heart delivery service?”
DM: “Yes. You remember me. Good.”
Hanzo: If he just has black skeletal hands, where did the clapping noise come from?
DM: …it was more of a clack.
Hanzo: Okay. Just thought I’d be a dork about it.
DM: “When this obese mass could not open it with HIS blood, we figured a direct descendant, an heir. Quite the complicated spell on that thing. But you’ve cracked it for us.”
Aliarra: (miming putting it back)
DM: “I will have your blood one way or the other.”
Cissy: Can we roll for initiative?
Hanzo: Not till the dialogue is over… the screen hasn’t gone all digital yet.
Aliarra: This isn’t the Second Birthright campaign, there aren’t anti-cutscene-interruption robots in this game.

Armor moves into position to attack them, while skeletons appear on the railings above.

DM: “Kill them… OBEY!”
Hanzo: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSS! He is, like, a person? I mean, he’s not undead, or a construct, or…
DM: He doesn’t look very well if he’s alive, I’ll tell you that.
Hanzo: Fuck!
Aliarra: He’s upset because he can’t sudden strike anyone…

Initiative is rolled! To no one’s surprise, Mrrshala goes first, whacking an armor with Ruby Nightmare Blade and hilariously lowballing her damage roll. Aliarra moves forward, avoiding an AOO with her Armbands of Elusive Action, then slamming a potion of Enlarge Person. White Raven Tactics makes Mrrshala go again, and between her next hit and laboriously correcting her damage from the first one, she shatters the armor. The main villain fires an eldritch blast that chains into a few of the PCs for 22. Aiden casts Mass Aid. Skeletons fire into the PCs for mild damage! Cissy hurls a fireball into the fray, then thanks to her Belt of Battle, a second fireball! Hanzo burns all the charges on his Dimension Stride Boots to teleport behind Mr. Obey, but to his dismay, this is a standard action which leaves him no attack. The remaining armors charge through Aliarra’s threatened area; she trips them and wallops them severely, except for one that scoots around the outside of her threatened zone, just barely.

Aliarra: The only downside is that now I can’t go up the stairs.
Aiden: Just Super Shredder it! Bring the roof down!
Cissy: She’s extra tall and has extra reach, can’t she just poke him from down below?
Aiden: Fucking Super Shredder it! Bring down the columns!

Hanzo takes umbrage with the lack of neutrality in the transcription, because he’s an asshole. The group bitterly predicts Mr. Obey will Dimension Door away, but in fact he turns invisible! In desperation, Aiden hurls an area dispel into the area they believe him to be, stripping off Aliarra’s Mass Aid, but catches the warlock as well! Cissy hurls some more damage into the fray, while Hanzo ghost-steps over to him and stabs him from invisibility.

Hanzo: 25 points of straight-up damage…
Aiden: What about the poison? WHAT ABOUT THE POISON?!
Hanzo: Well, if he makes his Fort save…
DM: What’s the difficulty?
Hanzo: 20.
DM: What’s the effect of this poison?
Hanzo: 1d6 Con.
Aliarra: See what good your poisons have wrought?

The DM complains that with the difficulty of this fight decreased, the PCs are wading through it effortlessly. Cissy fires her Repelling Gauntlets at an armor trying to advance on her, while Aliarra drinks a Potion of Levitation to try to get to the upper level. Mrrsahala continues to pummel armor, while Mr. Obey fires at Hanzo and does harm to him to the tune of 41 and not catching on fire. Aiden skates over to fire a Searing Light at the warlock, hoping to kill him before he can kill Hanzo. Cissy fires a lightning bolt through a pair of foes, while Hanzo kama-fies the warlock!

DM: He twists around, claws at your jherkin or whatever… “You were supposed to die. Why didn’t you… obey…”
Aliarra: Wasted my Levitate.

They mop up the last skeleton, and then quickly declare the game to be over since it’s way late! The DM vows a real fight next time…8