Hskoro: Would anyone like to have a deep-fried pop-tart?

He was dead serious, by the way. The group sadly agrees that after eating fried candy, they’re going to die. The evil characters had just slain the eladrin in the temple, except for Polgarius.

DM: He’s getting drunk.
Paltik: He’s only getting drunk if it serves his own ends.
DM: Yeah, he wandered into the tavern, killed everyone there, and now he’s taking his rest.
Polgarius: He’s not Chaotic Evil. Just Neutral Evil.
Paltik: We know how you play evil, dude. We know how you play good, so we just extrapolate!
Hskoro: I’m assuming Polgarius just disguised himself as a small child and killed everyone in the room, then disguised himself as an old lady…
Polgarius: Then turned himself into a city guard so he could get away with it.
Hskoro: “Oh, there’s a city guard in here with these dead bodies, he must not have done it…”

The characters start singing about how evil is back, much like one Slim Shady. The DM discusses how Polgarius, who does not believe in gods, is only on-board in the hopes of killing them.

DM: You’re going to come and be, “Yeah, I’m on board with this…. Well, I’m going to fuck up your plans.”
Hskoro: We have a secret good guy. Played by Polgarius. The one guy who wanted to be evil all the time, plays the secret good guy.
DM: He’s not a secret good guy... You’re not a secret good guy.
Hskoro: Did Polgarius take me seriously, like I was making him be a secret good guy? I didn’t know I had that kind of power.
Paltik: He sadly changed his alignment and everything.
Polgarius: Lawful Good…

Paltik begins the first in a series of giving Polgarius a 20-sided d10, which the DM immediately sees through. The DM eats a fried pop-tart, against all sanity and logic, which leads to the concept of the bucket list that kills you.

Paltik: Can you run the game and stop talking about fried food? I’m seriously going to pass out over here.
Hskoro: You can’t pass out before I’ve brought it to you…
DM: Okay, you are in the chapel. Well, most of you are in the chapel.
Thrakun: (quietly singing about going to the chapel of love to get married)
Paltik: …I’m glad I’m not the only one thinking it.
Thrakun: Thank you.

Polgarius has had visions much as the other characters had, and intends to follow them simply in the hopes of killing whatever sent them and gaining power from doing so. In the background, Paltik begins cursing.

Paltik: God damn you. I hate you so much. You asshole. Damn bitch motherfuckassfuckshit—
Thrakun: What the hell’s wrong with you?!
Hskoro: I cut [a fried pop-tart] up and I gave it to him.
Thrakun: (hysterical laughter)

The group takes a few minutes to recover from their incredibly poor judgment. Polgarius heads to the temple, discovering the hole behind the altar. The rest of the group spends time comparing Polgarius to the evil troll from Ernest Scared Stupid, possibly costing him some minor credibility. Everyone rolls up some Listen to oppose Polgarius’s Move Silently despite how terrible it is.

Paltik: 22.
Thrakun: 24. Take that, mind-boy! …out of character!
Paltik: Roll for initiative!
Thrakun: What’s my Will save…
Paltik: I SUGGEST you hear poorly.

Their Listen checks are good enough not only to pick up his steps, but noises coming from a bas relief on the wall! Paltik requests that Hilter strike the relief, which leads into a brief squabble between Paltik and Rove about the expendability of the undead minion.

Rove: He will strike the bass relief.
Thrakun: It’s a big picture of a fish.
Paltik: Why did the gods have a picture of a fish in –
Thrakun: It’s a BASS relief, come on.
Paltik: Ohhhh.Ohhhhhhhhhhh.
Rove: See? See?
Paltik: So THAT’s what it’s like.
Thrakun: (hysterical laughter) He finally got a taste of his own medicine!

The players solemnly vow to eat salad next week, The relief shatters as Hilter strikes it. The PCs get into a Charisma-fight for no good reason.

Hskoro: Much like the actual Macho Man, my Charisma is… “”20! Oh yeaaaah! I get the ladies for Barbatos!

Paltik sends his psicrystal down the tunnel behind the bas relief, to the bitter laughter of some. The DM cancels Paltik’s efforts to sneeze by saying “Gesundheit while he’s still winding up the sneeze, leading the latter to swear vengeance.

DM: I didn’t think it was actually going to stop…
Paltik: YOU KNOW IT DOES! I’ve explicitly asked you not to do that many times for that exact reason and you know it! Don’t feed me that flaming sack of wing-wong, DM!
Hskoro: …did you just censor yourself?
Rove: Why would he censor that, it’s awesome.
Hskoro: Wing-wong?
Rove: Wing-wong!
DM: (hysterical) Flaming sack of wing-wong…
Hskoro: Hold on, I missed the opening to that conversation…
DM: Oh my god, I’m gonna be in pain tonight.
Hskoro: You just ate a deep-fried pop-tart…

Polgarius at last enters into the chamber in which the other PCs are stationed. They call for him to describe himself!

Polgarius: I am 18 years old… I am six foot, 176 pounds, I have straight long black hair and black eyes.
Paltik: What’re you wearing?
Polgarius: Full plate armor.
Hskoro: 7’1”, also entirely in full plate, all black.
Rove: And behind him, an elf, with white hair. 8’2”. Also in full plate.
Polgarius: I’m not saying anything. I’m just gonna stand there and stare at ya. I’m not making any motions, I’m not going for my weapons…
Hskoro: “Hmm. Nothing to say? You must be skurred, like that Hogan I fought the other day! Damn hero thought he could kill me, but I took his long hair and cut it right off!”
Rove: A level 3 Hogan…
Hskoro: “I got no words for you.”
Plogarius: “Then stop talking.”
Hskoro: “See, now ya talked! I made ya talk like I made all the others!”

A very long silence.

Hskoro: I have won. I move on.
Thrakun: From the shadows, I facepalm.
Paltik: (plaintively) Has my psicrystal come up with anything from down the tunnel yet?
DM: No. It’s got tiny little legs, it can only move so fast.
Paltik: Its movement rate is 30!
Thrakun: It’s got FAST little legs.
DM: No! It still hasn’t!
Polgarius: “I’ve come to slay the god that summoned me.”
Rove: What if Barbatos summoned him? He’s gonna kill your god, Hskoro. (clearing his throat, then adopting the ‘Bane’ voice he’s chosen for the character) “He’s going to kill your god, Hskoro. I hope it’s not a puny god.”
Hskoro: “Only Barbatos would allow me to fry candy bars and enjoy them, and not die.”
Rove: “Yes. What is a candy bar?”
Paltik: A miserable pile of sugar.

The group takes a moment to recover.

Polgarius: Are you still blocking my way?
Paltik: Well he did just declare his intentions to slay the gods that summoned him, so, whatcha doin’, Hskoro?

A pause.

Paltik: Don’t gimme that blank look, you asshole!

With no connection to him, the other PCs allow Polgarius to go down the tunnel first. Through a very complicated path, the group accidentally invents a deadly new awnshegh: The Whore. Polgarius steps into an electricity trap for minor damage, after which he steps into a very large room – an auditorium, it seems, for evangelizing! For some reason, the description of this room takes FOREVER to get accurately, but it turns out there’s an archway they came in, an archway on the other side, and up above the far archway, something not unlike a viewing booth in the side of the wall near the ceiling.

DM: It’s not going to be an easy climb if you’re going to try to climb up there.
Paltik: I heard a challenge, Thrakun.
DM: That or you could have your psicrystal go up there..
Paltik: I send it away, it’ll lose Detect Hostile Intent. Besides, I heard a challenge, Thrakun…

MORE arguing over the layout of the room ensues. Thrakun rolls his Climb, then belatedly remembers he has a grappling hook, as does Polgarius.

Paltik: Just as the troll leans out – “Ooooh!”
Polgarius: I pull on it, the troll’s like, “aaagh!” (miming a fall)
Paltik: Regenerates, gets up, kills us.
Polgarius: “No good no good no good!”
Thrakun: “Oh crap oh crap oh crap!”
Plogarius: Trolls… hate… MIRRORS! …Oh shit!

Polgarius creates an image of himself walking up the aisle of the auditorium, then abruptly encounters the spell failure percentages for armor. Passing this, he does indeed send his image up, and it is unharassed.

Polgarius: Do I sense them coming at all?
Paltik: We’re not being quiet.
Polgarius: Tell you what, I’m gonna stop and just wait for you guys. I’m just gonna look over my shoulder, I’m gonna look at Macho Man Randy Savage over there, just gonna nod, and walk off. ‘Cuz you’re the only I respect. ‘Cuz you’re the only one who stood up to me.
Hskoro: “OH YEAAAAAH!”

Polgarius advances to the next room, smelling fresh air in there. In the meantime, Thrakun climbs up to that little alcove; no sooner does he reach its height than a scaly hand grabs him! The group hastily rolls initiative, while Paltik and Polgarius squabble over the nature of his telepathy. Thrakun discovers he’s facing down a brass dragon.

DM: “What are you doing here? You’re not supposed to be here!”
Hskoro: “None’a yo business! Oh yeah!”
Thrakun: It’s talking to me! I don’t say anything.
DM: All of a sudden, my fly is open.

Thrakun still can’t escape the dragon, and an awkward silence passes as the PCs realize their only way to get up to the dragon is Thrakun’s rope. Rove reluctantly sends Hilter up the rope. Paltik considers his dragon charming options…

DM: “Why are you HERE?!”
Paltik: “We are exploring this place.”
DM: “Only fools and madmen explore this place.”
Rove: “And dragons.”
Paltik: “Perhaps we are both.”
Hskoro: “Oooh yeah!”
Thrakun: Oh god.
Paltik: “Surely you, a resident of this place, cannot deny that you know of its power and history.”
DM: “Of course, that’s why I’m here.”
Paltik: “And our friend here seeks to slay the evil gods themselves that inhabited it!”
Polgarius: I’m not with you. I’m still 40 feet away.
Paltik: I’m sure the dragon’s aware of your existence.

Paltik’s Diplomacy check zings in at a fat 32. The dragon attempts to roll a Sense Motive check on Paltik, but he’s been telling the truth the entire time, so it releases Thrakun. It pokes its head out, and Paltik hurls a Psionic Charm at it, but the creature passes.

Rove: “Shield me with your bodies!”
Thrakun: He can probably Bluff his way out of it. “My apologies…”
Rove: “I am the last one.”
DM: She tilts her head up and blasts flame across the ceiling, scorching it. “Who did that?!”
Rove: Is that three rounds she has to wait to do that again, or two?
DM: 1d4+1.
Paltik: I’m a little surprised she passed, admittedly… although not, considering who our DM is. Who’s incapable of rolling below 17 on a d20.
Thrakun: Damn you high rolleeeeeeer!
Paltik: You might as well just roll 1d4+16, it’d work out the same…
Polgarius: Hskoro, you okay, man? Your face looks like you’re in pain.
Paltik: He looks like he’s lapsing into a coma.
Hskoro: I’m fine! I’m listening, I’m not tired or anything, I’m justy like… why did I do that.
Paltik: “In case you hadn’t noticed, I rely on mental communication for much of my ability to speak to others. I apologize if you took that as some sort of offensive maneuver.”
Thrakun: Bluff Bluff Bluff Bluff!
Rove: “I always attempt to communicate by charming people.”
Paltik: That was a 23 on Bluff.
Hskoro: That’d be great if he rolled a 1. “Yes, I use mind control to say hello all the time.”
Rove: Well he did last time.
DM: “I would be wary of how you explore here. The priests left many traps before they vacated the premises.”
Paltik: “We have already seen. We have already encountered a pit and electricity, although if you could see fit in the kindness of your heart to bestow the knowledge of any others you have upon us, we would be appreciative.
DM: She’s just like, ‘blink’.

The dragon refuses to tell them; Paltik tries to prick her conscience, and Polgarius proposes he Intimidate, only to be reminded how he isn’t there.

Polgarius: I don’t hide the fact that I want to kill the gods.
Paltik: I was trying to use that for a little creative truth-telling to win her over.
Rove: We better hope that she doesn’t have Detect Evil as a spell.
Paltik: If she did, we’d probably all be burning.
Rove: If she sees an elf walking around with an undead minion, she should automatically assume evil…

Somebody says the word ‘combat’, which banishes the DM to the bathroom. The players question if they can actually avoid fighting the dragon.

Hskoro: I’m not sure how Hskoro has remained quiet up to this point. “Good dragon?! HAS to die!”
Thrakun: We thank the pop-tart.
Paltik: Hskoro was drugged with out-of-character sleeping potion.
Hskoro: I just don’t have the strength right now…

The players quietly resolve that Paltik will keep the dragon talking while everyone else just casually strolls past. Somehow it lapses into a long discussion about colonoscopies.

Polgarius: You remember that comic, “The Far Side”?
Paltik: (sarcastically) Do we remember the comic, “The Far Side”.
Polgarius: I’m just saying, man, some people don’t.
Rove: It’s still going, right? It wasn’t in the comic section any more, it was in whatever section talked about politics.
Paltik: … I think you’re thinking of Doonesbury, dude.
Rove: That is Doonesbury, thank you.
Paltik: There’s a big difference between The Far Side and Doonesbury…
Rove: I would always mix the two of them up for some reason.
Paltik: HOW THE -- (collapses into babbling, frothing insanity)
Polgarius: Sweeeeet.

The DM returns, and they enlighten her as to their plan. Most of them head for the exit.

Polgarius: She’s not attacking anybody, so I’m not going after her. I’m just watching.
Rove: Your character IS Squall Leonhart. “I don’t care.”
Paltik: “Whatever.”
Thrakun: Then, disc 4, “I care.” Fucking Squall Leonhart…

They briefly argue over the usefulness of gunblades before getting back on track…

Paltik: “Be that as it may –“
Polgarius: I say we kill it anyways.
Paltik: Please don’t say you said that out loud.

The players briefly discuss what the dragon is doing here in the first place; the DM reminds them that she said she’s watching over it. Obviously, this is because it’s an evil temple…

Paltik: “Which is sound logic. The evil gods might attempt to return at any time. And we’re just as concerned with that as you are.”
Rove: (open noise of disbelief)
Thrakun: Man, you are a natural at bending the truth.
Rove: Yeah, really. Fucking Paltik Sedai over here.
Hskoro: The dragon throws a hammer at you.
Polgarius: “What do you know of the gods that live here? Or that were here?”
DM: “None of them were here physically, to my knowledge. This temple was deserted before I came here.”
Polgarius: “So why are you here? What are you guarding?”
DM: “There were rituals performed here, of sacrifice and other unspeakable acts. I would not see this rituals reenacted or performed again.”
Polgarius: “Do these rituals bring power? Strength? What is it that these rituals do?”
DM: “I don’t know, I’m not a priest.”
Polgarius: “Then you are useless.”
Rove: Here we go! How far away have I gotten?!
Thrakun: Meanwhile, the man robed in skeletal armor and the duergar, who are not known to be very nice people, walk on!
Paltik: And the guy proudly displaying the holy symbol of Barbatos! Luckily this dragon was VERY distracted by my Diplomacy roll.
DM: There’s also not a guarantee that she knows what the holy symbol of Barbatos is.
Hskoro: There’s no mention of – I had to make one up. You guys don’t even wanna know what that is.
Thrakun: I’m guessing it’s a wrestling ring.
Rove: Beef jerky.
Hskoro: I want to say it’s me flexing, but up here, two babies’ heads, I’m crushing…
Thrakun: I just imagined some dude dropping the elbow on somebody.
Hskoro: On a whole town.
Rove: That’s your evil holy constellation in the sky. “Elbow of the Heavens.”
DM: You heard this, are you going to try to Diplomacy your way out of him being a jerk, or are you waiting to see if she roasts him?
Paltik: I comment that he’s very singleminded. What the dragon chooses to do to him after that is… karma, if anything?

The dragon settles for a caustic comment about Polgarius being their ‘friend’. Paltik continues to weasel his way out of attack, leading the other players to question if they’re just going to have to kill it no matter what.

Paltik: We’re probably going to have to deal with the dragon eventually. But it’d be nice if we could put on a couple of levels, come back, and be all, “Ha ha, we’re much above your expected CR!” “Well, lady, by your leave, though I know you are against it, we feel it necessary to explore and discover what we can about the potential return of the evil gods.”
DM: As you will.
Paltik: (noticing the looks others are giving him) What?!
Rove: No, it’s just… he’s not saying anything that isn’t true, but completely misleading as to his intentions. It’s actually pretty artful.

On they head! They follow the tunnel to its end, only to discover that it ends on a cliff face – clearly the dragon’s access point, but not a good exit. Thrakun discovers a secret door, and starts checking for traps.

Paltik: You know, we should really just have – instead of trying to disable these, we should just have Hilter open them. I mean, think about it. He’s immune to cold, he’s immune to electricity, he can’t take ability damage from poison, if it’s an arrow trap or a needle he’s got DR 5 against it…
Thrakun: I’m sure he’s fine with the dwarf doing it.

Exploring further, they find a dragon-dug passage – and within it, evidence that the dragon has an occasional humanoid visitor! A chest with robes, a bed, and so forth.

DM: They’re well-tailored, human sized, of fine make… male’s clothes. Probably fit you, probably fit him… I don’t think they’d fit Hskoro.
Thrakun: “Oooh yeah, Hskoro wants to look beautiful!”
Hskoro: “No time for sissy clothes! I have babies to kill!”
Paltik: …we’re not subtle.
Hskoro: “Hskoro’s not liking all this talk! Hskoro needs action!”
Thrakun: “Someone should cop a squat in the bed.”
Paltik: “For the moment, the dragon is not hostile. Let us not provoke it until a time of our choosing.”
Thrakun: (squatting and laughing)
Paltik: I said ‘let us not’…
Rove: You said a time of his choosing, he chooses now!

With no further insight into the will of the gods, the players attempt to provoke Paltik into a total mental break by yelling “Doonesebury!” at him. It works better than you’d think. The game ends with the DM being completely baffled that they hadn’t fought the dragon… and awarding them all XP, despite Paltik’s demands for solo XP.

Rove: If he was gonna get solo XP I would’ve just walked right in there and started a fight with that dragon.
DM: I’m not gonna be that douchey.
Paltik: Who cares if I did all the work, you all benefit! We’re evil so we’re Communists!
DM: It’s like evil pacifists.
Thrakun: Better yet, werewolves that looked like wookies.
Paltik: Stop it.