At this steady pace, it will take the group about 76 sessions to get through the dungeon, but never mind! Someone open a plastic bag directly over the microphone, jerks.

DM: It was Falgrim’s turn… to watch you be flown out of sight.

Someone noisily bangs plates on the microphone. Argh. The halfling is injured but not dead; the group, or at least those who remain behind, face a choice of what to do.

DM: We know what Lars’s inclination would be. You’re a Whitecloak.
Lars: I believe nobody knows that.
Calinai: You believe wrong.
Inferian: My guess is that Lars proposes we capture this guy, sell him into slavery, but before we deliver him to the people we sold him to, we cut out most of his parts, sell him to wizards for necromantic purposes, and then when the people show up and say, “Hey, this isn’t what we bought!”, we point to the clauses that says, “as-is”…
DM: You’d have to make quite a trip to make it to a part of the land where they have slavery as a thing.
Inferian: “Well, Falgrim?”
Falgrim: Why are you asking me, you’re in the air.
DM: Yeah, but you’re all mindlinked, remember.

The DM grumbles about mindlink. Someone pours large rocks onto the microphone, apparently. No one slaughters the halfling out of hand, so they skip forward to Inferian’s turn; The cracks in the ceiling begin leaking tendrils of fog. Inferian Dimenions Doors out of the grapple and back to the group.

Inferian: “I’m back.”
Lars: “Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. I got a bad feeling about that fog.”
Inferian: “We must find someplace to barricade ourselves in so you can speak with our friend here.”
DM: Interrogate the halfling. The heroic adventurers.
Lars: Anybody have any bamboo shoots?
Inferian: You’re right, we should just forgive him and let him join us. This isn’t a shonen manga!
Lars: I’d like to ask him a couple questions. Anyone have any jumper cables? A car battery?
Inferian: I’m saying Lars should interrogate him, because he has the skill set to do so. But I’m not saying Lars should violate his alignment to do so. (a pause) I’m not saying Lars should violate his STATED alignment to do so, not his actual one.
DM: He’s supposed to be a religious zealot. He can spin anything to be for the greater good.
Lars: Let’s send your underlings into the fog to see if it’s good or not.

Where are all these packages coming from?! ARGH! ARGH! ARGH! MY EARS! While the DM draws the new room out, bad jokes are made.

Inferian: I had a good one earlier. Sioneva said something, and I said, “Oh, I thought you said Ass Castle.” And she said, “What’s the difference between an Ass Castle and a normal castle?” To which I said, an ass castle has more flying buttresses.

Silence.

DM: It wasn’t funny then either.
Inferian: Come on! That’s pure genius! You philistines!
DM: (howling) I love when people use that word! You never hear it!
Inferian: That’s what gets a laugh? “Philistines”?
DM: YES!
Calinai: You can say that to people and they get confused. “What’d he do to you?” “He called me a Philistine!”
DM: “Is that one of those Asian people that speak Spanish?”
Inferian: “I’m not at war with Israel!”

Inferian spends a moment trying to convince people to heil, for the purpose of then throwing scissors to defeat them. No one will heil.

Inferian: Damn it! The DM did it, why won’t you?
DM: I was miming Mr. Hilter at the time.
Inferian: That’s what made me think of it! WILL NO ONE HEIL AT THIS TABLE?! What have we become?!
Falgrim: Self-conscious.
Inferian: That’d be a first!
Caliani: You did that earlier, and somehow the DM lost at riock-paper-scissors.
Inferian: Yes. That was the joke. Thank you for ruining it.
Calinai: I ruined your joke? Yes! 10 points for me.
Falgrim: Heil five!
Inferian: Self-conscious my ass.
Falgrim: A ruse, good sir, a ruse!

The minis at last go down on the map. The conversation takes a weird turn.

Inferian: Some things will never change. Even if they should. Give the damn Trix Rabbit some Trix. God damn it.
DM: Let the leprechaun keep his marshmallows, damn it.
Lars: Seriously, he should’ve called the cops and had them arrested. That’d be a great commercial.
DM: After all this time if the rabbit finally got some Trix, he’d be disappointed. “I waited how long for this? I like Froot Loops better than these!”
Lars: Kix? It has no taste! Kids love it!
Inferian: You see what happens with your proposal. “911, what’s your emergency?” “They’re after me Lucky Charms!”

No fog in this next room, but it has gaping holes in the ceiling, and statues in the far corner. A pile of table and chairs dominates another corner, which Lars immediately demands they fireball. Calinai comes back from checking on the pie in the oven.

Calinai: It’s still a pie.
Inferian: When it turns into a pile of flames, it’s been in too long. So let’s keep it a pie.
Calinai: So when it hits pie-shaped carbon, I probably should have taken it out?

The DM encourages Inferian to send his psicrystal to explore; Inferian refuses to do so solely on the basis of this suggestion.

DM: I’ve already said, I’m resolved – I’ve moved on from the psicrystal BS.
Inferian: You keep saying that so many times, maybe I’ll believe you some year.
DM: If I happen to be looking up… or searching Google on the Mythweaver site and happen to find a way to destroy psicrystals…
Inferian: Yeah, this is from the guy who’s like, “I’m not gonna give you grief over your don’t-attack gesture – aaah, look, he’s doing the gesture, he commands everyone to bow!”
DM: That wasn’t me.
Inferian: Yes it was!
DM: No it wasn’t!

With a Zone of Truth from Lars, they begin interrogating the halfling and refusing to acknowledge the actual gender of said halfling. The halfling angrily proclaims Inferian to be the false Dragon, and everyone immediately attempts to restrain Benar. The halfling had believed that with aid, the skeletal dragon should have slain them all.

Inferian: “Ah, so you just grossly underestimated us.”
DM: “Well you’re not much to look at, honestly.”
Inferian: I shoot a meaningful look at the magebred ghost tiger…

Falgrim, on finding out the NPCs had abandoned their comrades, sneers at them as cowards. The halfling BRISTLES!

DM: “WE are cowards? You yourselves ran from the fog just now.”
Falgrim: (an incredibly long silence)
DM: The dwarf digests this… Turns…
Falgrim: Kick the door open, “Come on, ye fog!”
Lars: I have an idea. Let’s use the fog to destroy the oncoming army of trollocs.
DM: Yes, just tie a rope around it.
Lars: My thought is that we use this guy as our bait. The trollocs are gonna try to kill him anyway—
Inferian: We’re not using human –
Lars: He’s a Darkfriend, dude, who cares? He is evil, I am good, I will kill him and I will not alignment shift!
Inferian: Stop paying evil unto evil!
DM: By the way, the halfling has a pair of breasts…
Lars: “You gonna draw a map? Or do I have to break your fingers?” Wait a minute… “I’m a cleric, I will break them and then heal them. And break them again and heal them again, until you draw a map…”

The group suddenly and out of nowhere returns to a time-honored favorite – M. Bison and his Bison dollars.

Inferian: Is he drawing a map, or do I have to cast Charm on him?
Sioneva: Her! The halfling’s a girl, goddamnnit!
DM: Now they’re just doing it to annoy me.
Inferian: Yup.
DM: But I think it’s funny. Your characters are too stupid to discern gender just ‘cuz it’s a halfling.
Artemis: Hey, I’m a halfling…
DM: That’s how little regard they hold for your people. You should let the halfling go. Racial unity.
Lars: “Run, my brethren!” You untie them. “Run!:
Inferian: Why are we not stopping this? I don’t understand why we’re not stopping this…

The halfling tries to dodge the question of how long she has been here. Lars continues to suggest they use the halfling as bait to draw the trollocs into the fog, while the rest of the group politely pretends to ignore him. It’s kind of awkward. The halfling does deign to draw them a map, while Inferian keeps a paranoid watch out for fog.

Artemis: Why are we hiding from the fog?
Inferian: Fog bad.
Lars: The fog will suck out your soul.
Inferian: Do you want to say hi to the horrible death fog?

Lars continues to argue in favor of using human sacrifice to get the trollocs into the fog. The DM, meanwhile, thumps on the table to indicate that they’re half-hearing, half-feeling a rumble.

Inferian: “The measure of a man is what he does to a man who’s helpless before him!”
Calinai: Don’t say man! (cracking up) You say man – “What is a man?!”
Sioneva: A miserable pile of secrets!
Calinai: (giggling furiously) I’m sorry…
Inferian: (to Lars) Mankind ill-needs a savior such as you.

The discussion wanders off to whether or not the halfling should be executed as a Darkfriend, They abruptly register the presence of marching feet above… or at least some of them do. This fails to stop the debate.

Lars: The trollocs jump down. “Rar!” The trollocs say, “Man, if you were smart, you would have used the fog against us and lured us into the city in a wild bloodlust of rage.”
Inferian: Yeah, they see one helpless halfling and it completely overrides all their reason. “Halfling, let’s eat!”
Lars: If we mind-control him, we can make him do something or say something to piss off the trollocs.
Inferian: I can’t mind-control him! I can charm him at best!
DM: You mind-control your followers.
Inferian: ….Subtly!
DM: Subtly mind-control him.
Inferian: I can’t, he’s not one of my followers.

Inferian peers up the into the second story, and spies ranks of trollocs walking past the room they’re below. He returns down to quietly report this.

DM: “HERE! HERE! I’M DOWN HERE!” (kind of losing the effect because he starts giggling)
Inferian: Falgrim?
Falgrim: Yes, I cut off her head.
Inferian: …I was hoping for a knockout! Christ.
Calinai: I was about to blow up her head.
Inferian: Am I the only one who doesn’t advocate brutal executions?
Lars: He’s just doing it to argue with us.
DM: He’s just doing it for appearance’s sake.
Inferian: Inferian isn’t actually evil, despite all your efforts to portray him that way…
Falgrim: I’m not a fan of these people, and it’s a Darkfriend.
DM: What do you mean these people?
Falgrim: Halflings!
Calinai: I dreamed of a world where halflings had an empire…

Trollocs start pouring down the stairs! The group resigns themselves to a 300-style death! Initiative is called for, and Sioneva opens up with arrows. Artemis proposes they barricade themselves in with a wall of corpses. Treedon begins a SNA cast.

Lars: I’ve going to cast Earth Reaver. It’s a Reflex save, not for damage, but to stop everybody from becoming prone. Basically I just throw the earth up around me – er, around them…
DM: All of you make Reflex saves!

The DM calls for Spot checks, leading Lars to declare that friends of theirs are tied to the statue – and he promptly rolls a natural 1, leading the DM to encourage him to Earth Reaver the PCs. Inferian rolls much better and notices the statues appear to be alive.

Inferian: All right, guys, I’m gonna start gathering the Spirit Bomb. You guys gotta cover me for ten minutes.
Calinai: The Spirit Bomb? ONLY ten minutes? Only ten minutes, wow, that’s the fastest Spirit Bomb in history.
Falgrim: No, ten sessions.
Inferian: I’m saying ten minutes IN character…
Treedon: Okay guys, I guess I’ll see you in August, when he finally finishes casting the spell…

The Earth Reaver spells shatters the wall, leaving the stairwell open to view and numerous trollocs scattered about. Inferian lobs a 150% damage Energy Missile into five foes, but rolls terribly and only deals 27 fire damage. One of them yells a challenge at Falgrim, shuffling sideways as he does so for some reason; a statue immediately animates and seizes him as soon as he steps near it. Inferian suggests a fighting withdrawal.

Lars: Seriously? We match them in numbers and we are by far stronger than we are.
DM: Inferian raises his voice. “As long as you can give me!” And off goes Falgrim. Then Inferian shuts the door behind the dwarf and boards it up.

Artemis lobs arrows into the trollocs. The trollocs return fire!

DM: …two of the ones on fire drop their bow.
Calinai: (peering over Lars’s shoulder) What’s happening here?
Lars: I’m rolling a new character! (rolling)
Calinai: …That’s a bad stat.
Calinai and Lars: That is a BAD stat!
Calinai: That’s an eight!
Lars: That’s going into my intelligence.

Four arrows skewer Falgrim, with strong implication by the DM that this is downright impossible. He also needs to make a Fortitude saving throw, but he’s a dwarf fighter, so this isn’t exactly the most challenging roll he’s ever made. Calinai lobs a fireball into the midst of the foes. Treedon’s turn comes around, and he produces a brown bear from his cast. It mauls a trolloc and grapples it. Treedon debates his next action.

DM: Cower with the rest of your group.
Artemis: We’re not cowering.
DM: Strategically…
Treedon: I’m gonna cast Summon Nature’s Ally III.
DM: You’re just gonna plug up the stairway with allies.
Inferian: It’s not a bad idea, man… Lars is up? Go, Lars. Hit them with your best shot.
Sioneva: Fire away.
Inferian: Go on and hit them with your best shot.
Artemis: Fire awaaaaay!
Inferian: Go on and hit them with your best shot.
Falgrim: Damn you, Inferian …
Inferian: You’re a real tough Whitecloak with the longest degree of sacrificing mooks like my thirty-three…

The DM begins drawing fog as it seeps in through the ceiling. Inferian lobs another energy missile, this one for half damage. The PCs begin getting out of their corner and away from the fog.

DM: I’m sad. It takes the imminent looming threat of doom to force you to engage your enemies.
Inferian: Yeah, god forbid we fight smart.
DM: Ohhhhh. Any time our characters in a game where you were running did this, you’d let us have it as spineless imbeciles cowering from the enemy. When YOU do it, it’s fighting intelligently.
Inferian: That’s because I’m capable of maintaining two different mindsets depending on whether I’m a player or DM.
Calinai: In other words, he just likes complaining.

The recording breaks for some reason, so some stuff happened that wasn’t recorded! Falgrim whacks a trolloc. The group spends a while willfully tormenting the transcriber, you goddamn assholes. The fog, as it turns out, deals some a point or three of damage from practically every type, including force and VILE of all things. The PCs begin fleeing furiously to the next door, fully intending on blocking it behind them, Treedon shifts to a smilodon, while his bear attacks and hits! ….a very long pause ensues.

Treedon: Are you guys waiting for me for anything?
Falgrim: Damage?
Treedon. D’oh.
Calinai: I thought when we hit, they just died…

A statue kills an eagle, which incidentally is what Treedon summoned with that second cast. Inferian continues to be not enervated, to the DM’s dismay. For no apparent reason, the feedback from the laptop becomes more and more excruciating, leading the transcriber to question why he does this. Falgrim whacks something, then at last charges into the next room!

Falgrim: Put my shoulder into it…
Inferian: It was open.
Falgrim: Oh.
Inferian: Just a room of fog behind it. You step right into it…
DM: A fog dragon waits!
Inferian: It’s that giant snake we’re supposed to fear…
DM: Wait, are you opening the door? I thought that was Inferian making a joke…

The group decides to barricade the door with the tables lying in the corner of the room, grateful in retrospect that they hadn’t listened to Lars’s suggestion to burn it all.

DM: From under one of the tables, an innocent pony wanders forth.
Falgrim: I pick it up, take a bite out of it, and put it on the stack.I
Inferian: What type of pony?
DM: It’s lavender with pink hair. Probably someone’s little pony.

Lars rejoices as he discovers it’s acceptable to sacrifice summoned animals because the magic returns them unharmed. With them covering their retreat, they pile into the next room to safety(?). And on that note…