The game opens with the DM attempting to strip them of all their expendable resources! …the players don’t go for this for some reason. With 1200 darkspawn descending on their position, Inferian proposes the Conga Line of Death: plop the fighter in a doorway, and strike down each individual darkspawn as it steps up.

Lars: I won’t have a problem with that until they blow a whole in the wall. I’m just saying.
DM: “Sioneva! Shoot him!” And then she hits him in the shoulder, even though she’s been hitting everything in the eyes right up until then.

The simple act of blocking off a door turns into constructing a complex deathtrap with automated guns and whatnot.

Inferian: If any of them know anything about such things, I’ll ask them to construct a crude device that’ll allow us to drop some rocks in front of the passage we’re about to leave out of. Just in case we need to retreat and seal it off.
DM: Well…
Inferian: I don’t know if any of them know that…
DM: One of the ones that’s level two…
Inferian: One of them’s got to have some rank in [Knowledge] architecture and engineering.
DM: Sure! Like PCs always have that.

The discussion briefly derails as players discover cookies in the fridge and debate whether or not cookies should be cold, and from there to the idea of eating just one potato chip.

Inferian: I know you said “Lay’s”, but it sounded like you said ‘laced’ potato chips. You can’t eat one. They’re drugged.
Calinai: Laced with cocaine!
Inferian: Rrrrruffles have rrrrroofies.

Benar advances forward to Listen at the next door… because that went so well last time.

Lars: Benar is expendable.
Inferian: He is. Out of character.
Lars: Which is why I’m surprised we don’t use him more often.
Inferian: In-character I’m not sending him to die!

The door is blocked by some bar or other implement, so they send Falgrim forward to bash it open. Deploying his hefty crowbar, he pops it open with a mighty strength check.

DM: I really need some Stark tech to do this map for you guys…

Calinai proposes the concept of “throwfoward” grape soda, with each flavor more artificial than the last. The DM laboriously draws out the map, while someone harasses the transcriber with trance music. As they enter the next room, they find an individual huddled in the corner, muttering to himself.

DM: You cannot make it out, but Benar says that whoever it is, he’s just talking gibberish over and over again.
Inferian: We all keep going in.
DM: In you go – WOOHOO! Roll for initiative!
Artemis: Initiative?
DM: No, no. Put yourselves in there if you like. This room’s not large enough for any sort of decent combat, Which Inferian would’ve concluded probably within two seconds.
Inferian: I dunno, you guys like small rooms more than I do,
DM: I’m trying to branch out! I’m trying to get better as I go. It’s not really working so well.
Inferian: Move the camera.
Lars: What about it?
Inferian: So he can see the map.
Lars: The room is square-shaped.
Inferian: It’s a rectangle! This is why we can’t trust you to describe it!
Lars: All squares are rectangles.
Inferian: BUT NOT ALL RECTANGLES ARE SQUARES!
DM: (howling in laughter)

They valiantly try to get the game back on track. Or, well, most of them do…

DM: As you move closer to the corner, you can make out it’s a…
Calinai: This is a wild Mrs. Doubtfire?
DM: No. It’s a humanoid. The babble gradually shapes itself into… “must get out can’t get out they’ll kill me kill them first…”
Falgrim: Aw, the most charismatic one I really don’t want to send in.
Lars: That’s me!
Inferian: (indignantly, because Charisma is his primary stat) I’M more charismatic. It’s 22! But I suggest we send Falgrim, because he’s best prepared to intercept any blow that may be sent at him.
Falgrim: All right…
Inferian: Another reason I suggest sending in Falgrim is that he’s the best suited to deliver a “get a hold of yourself, man!” (mimes slapping)
DM: Artemis, as you moved into the room, you can hear more acutely the mutterings of the person in the corner. You can swear you’ve heard this voice before.
Sioneva: Oh, it’s one of the people you know!
DM: Yes, one of the people who accompanied you here. This man was a reckless swordswinger when you started out, fancied himself quite the capable barbarian.
Inferian: What an awful class to take. “Reckless swordswinger.”
Artemis: Do I remember his name?
DM: Sure. Make one up.
Artemis: His name is Bob.
Sioneva: Bob the bobarian.
DM: Bob the warmongering, uh… what’s with barbarian names at this table?
Calinai: So we have Bob the barbarian. Can he kill it?
Inferian: Yes he can!

The barbarian freaks out as Artemis approaches him, and makes a screaming run for the door. Everyone wants an AOO, but only Lars can take one… and this whole processes takes a ludicrously long time.

Lars: So what do I roll, to grapple or trip or what?
Inferian: What do you want to do?
Lars: I want to knock him out.
Calinai: Just trip him!
Lars: What I don’t understand is, what am I rolling.
Inferian: What do you want to do to him?!
Lars: I want to knock him out!
Inferian: Then that would be an attack, but you’re gonna fail it!
Calinai: Trip him!
Lars: All right!

Lars starts to roll, only for Falgrim to stop him.

Lars: That’s a d20.
Falgrim: No it isn’t.
Lars: Yeah it is.
Falgrim: Show me anything above ten on that.
Lars: (starts counting the sides)
Falgrim: It’s got 20 sides, but show me a number on there above ten.

A very long pause.

Lars: WHY WOULD YOU DO TWENTY SIDED AND NOT GO UP TO TWENTY?!
Inferian: (bursting into laughter)
Sioneva: Asshole!
Inferian: What?! Why am I an asshole? I just thought it was funny!

Inferian casts a psionic charm on the NPC; the DM spins this as evil. The barbarian settles down slightly in the grapple as the psionics take effect.

Lars: I’m gonna lie to him and say we’re his friends. I’m gonna Bluff and say we’re not here to hurt him.

Silence.

Calinai: So you want to hurt him?
Inferian: This is like in those RPGs, where it’s like, “Truth: I’m not going to hurt you, don’t be afraid.” “Bluff: I’m not going to hurt you, don’t be afraid.”
DM: Ah, Bioware.
Inferian: The results is the same, it’s what you meant that counts.
Lars: I just rolled a 30 to convince him we’re not going to hurt him.
Calinai: Why don’t you just TELL him we’re not going to hurt him?
Falgrim: Use actual Diplomacy.
Lars: Because I might actually hurt him.

Incredulous silence.

Inferian: I cast psionic charm on Lars—
Lars: Fine! Diplomacy is a 37.
DM: It’s fairly moot because in the middle of your well-intentioned bluffing, he resumed speaking catatonically.

The barbarian babbles about a ‘them’ that killed them all, while the DM vows to place the vegetable barbarian in with the thralls.

Artemis: “Bob, what is your name?” …wait…

It takes a moment to recover from this one. A moment and some Slim Shady jokes.

Artemis: “I mean, what’s wrong, Bob? Why are you scared?”
DM: “They’re everywhere! Then they took off. Why are YOU here? You’re supposed to be outside! Gaaaiiiuhhaauuiiihhaaaaa…”
Inferian: “Who’s they?”
DM: “They! Them! They’re everywhere!”
Artemis: “What are they?”
DM: “I don’t know, I don’t know!”
Artemis: “Then why are you scared of them? I thought you were brave.”
Sioneva: Oooh, burn.
Inferian: Daaaaamn.
DM: RAAAAAAAGE! To your horror, Bob begins to turn green, increasing in size until the only thing remaining are his purple undergarments!

The DM angrily demands that Inferian read this guy’s mind. Everyone mocks him for being unable to, despite being a wilder and not a telepath. Inferian offers to take him back to his minions where he’ll be among friends.

DM: “Friends? Friends – friends are all dead! Wait… you’re my friend.”
Inferian: “Yes.”
DM: “Take me out of here. Let’s go. I’ll give you all my treasure.”
Inferian: (affecting the look of avarice the DM wants to see)
DM: Ha ha! Benar says, “Wait! Now this one speaks sense, Lord Dragon!”
Calinai: What you don’t understand is, he’s crazy, so his treasure’s a pile of SHIT over in the corner there—
DM: Stop – stop it, Calinai. Stop it.

Inferian sends him back with his minions, with quiet instructions to knock the guy out if he causes too much trouble. Lars realizes the minions are still back in the other room.

Lars: Lars quietly walks over and locks the door. “That’ll buy us some time!”
Inferian: …the door Falgrim smashed?
Falgrim: (miming bending down to turn a lock on the ground) “There we go.”
Lars: Thanks for smashing the door, Falgrim. I was gonna lock it, let his minions get beat up by the troggs…

They quickly Search the room, finding the barbarian’s basic adventuring equipment, which isn‘t of much interest… and several other people’s worth of equipment as well!

Inferian: He killed them all somehow! One good rage…
DM: He leveled a couple of times.
Inferian: He kept leveling in the middle of combat, which set his hit points to full.
DM: That doesn’t happen! I wish that it did. You were the first one to shoot that down, too… I asked about it, “NO! No health for you!”

For some reason, most of the group huddles around the next door to roll Listen checks, but no one hears anything. The door is locked, though! They quickly grab the keys out of his possessions and head to the next room. While the DM draws it out, Falgrim leans back to eye Inferian appraisingly.

Falgrim: You know… sometimes, Inferian, looking at you, you kinda look like Denethor sometimes.
DM: You know… thank you, ‘cuz that’s been bugging me for a while. ‘Cuz sometimes when I look at him, I’m like, He looks like somebody. I can’t – I don’t know if it’s someone I know, or used to know…
Inferian: Let’s have a song.
DM: “Sing for me. While I sloppily eat this chicken and tomato.”
Inferian: (mimes setting himself on fire, then running while screaming. For a long time.)
DM: So passes Inferian, son of…

The next room contains a pile of bodies stacked up! It’s the rest of Artemis’s party!

Lars: I roll an 8 on my Heal check to see if any of them are alive… and I claim that one of them is! The beheaded one!
Artemis: Do I recognize them?
DM: Yes, these are the remainders of your former comrades.
Artemis: Are they dead?
DM: Down to the last one.
Artemis: “Oh, look at the dumbasses.”
DM: She chortles with glee, to the apparent horror and amusement to the rest of you, apparently.
Sioneva: Artemis, your alignment is going to go down, you know.
Artemis: Oh. “Oh no, my friends!”

For no clear reason, the DM hands a piece of paper with lots of secret information on it to Falgrim, then hurriedly snatches it back. The bodies appear to have succumbed to each other in a fight! Sioneva rolls a Search check.

DM: Well, you can definitely SEE the bodies laying there.
Inferian: Thank god. You’ve earned your share of the treasure.
Sioneva: No shit.

Inferian suggests some sort of charm or illusion. The DM unhelpfully supplies umhelpful names for the NPCs.

DM: Clark the cleric…
Inferian: Mark the monk…

Inferian cheerfully vows to cast Revenance on them to interrogate them, which isn’t a funny joke because he’s the only one who knows what the spell does. Lars, on discovering it’s a minute-long res, immediately lights up at the prospect of killing someone, then rezzing them just to kill them again. Calinai attempts to determine the causes of death.

Calinai: I’m gonna CSI this crime investigation. I just went to Bat-Vision mode.
Inferian: It says they’re all unconscious.
Calinai: Leave Batman alone…

Inferian proposes that if some illusion or charm had clouded their minds, the PCs need some sort of identifying gesture or symbol to keep them from attacking each other. Everyone laughs.

Artemis: Let’s wink.
Lars: If I flutter my eyes at you…
DM: Yeah, you can all do the Harlem Shake if things are okay.
Inferian: “Something simple. Raising our hand in this fashion.”
DM: So you’re making a left turn.
Inferian: (obligingly switches to heiling)
DM: Sig Heil, everything’s great.
Inferian: On second thought, let’s just all kill each other under influence of illusion.
DM: Just come up with a safe word. Like “pineapples”.
Inferian: I’m assuming that whatever magic clouded their mind could cloud their ears as well.
DM: Certainly…
Inferian: But I assume a basic gesture would not –
DM: Perhaps they were enslaved by a thrallherd.
Inferian: Naw.
DM: Doppelganger fight coming up!
Inferian: In all seriousness, I meant that suggestion legitimately…
Artemis: Actually, that does sound good.
DM: Go for it. Something simple. I won’t diss you for it later or use it against you.

The DM mocks the PCs for not looting the bodies; they in turn point out that they had explicitly stated they were doing so some time ago. Lars discovers a platinum ring on a finger!

Lars: Is the ring coming off easily or do I have to cut his finger off?
DM: After a quick tug, you decide that it just won’t come off naturally and decide to hew the entire finger.
Lars: Actually, I started by hewing the hand, and I’m just gonna work the finger off as we walk.
DM: You find, in the pile, some bubble wrap to keep Lars occupied.

They discover a helm of comprehend languages and read magic, then try to figure out who should get it.

Inferian: I’m reluctant to give it to Lars, because I think we’re better off if he doesn’t understand things, so let’s give it to Falgrim.
Lars: What the fuck, dude? Seriously?

They continue to find some more miscellaneous items like pipes of sounding, then Calinai begins giving the bodies a cremation with Fiery Burst spam. The sound of skittering comes from the air vents in this room; Calinai obligingly fires some blasts into those vents, which puts an end to the noises. Much of this is unclear beneath the sound of Artemis and Lars doing geometry… They discover a narrow hall behind the next door. The DM openly encourages Inferian to send the psicrystal to scout.

DM: That way there’s no threat to any of you.
Inferian: That’s true, except for us –
DM: The DM will say nothing.
Inferian: The DM’s bitterness comes through… the DM SAYS nothing, but what the DM does is beyond… All right, fine, psicrystal awaaay!
DM: The psicrystal, as it skitters along on its little feet… (disgustedly) On the ceiling.
Inferian: He’ll say nothing.

Sioneva cheerfully vows that any psicrystals in her campaign will be stolen by magpies. The DM’s map turns horrible as it reaches the difficult back corner of the room. They clean some misaddressed mail out of the way.

Calinai: That’s one of the people who used to live here! I don’t know why we’re still getting their mail! I’m assuming they’re dead, or in the witness protection program. It’s the only way it makes sense! We still get their Cosmotolitan magazine.
Falgrim: Wait a minute, what magazine?
Calinai: Cosmotolitan. (noticing what mini the DM set out) OH MY GOD! We’re fighting a dragon! In a dungeon! WHY?!

In truth, a dragon skeleton lies atop a pile of loot. No one believes for a second the skeleton won’t animate, so Benar sneaks around behind the creature. At the same time, however, two figures creep into the room from the opposite door!

Inferian: It’s a mirror.
DM: Smash the mirror to kill the monsters.
Inferian: (lifting his arm in a salute of poor taste)
DM: Oh. But you don’t even know these people, how are they gonna know your sign?
Inferian: That’s why I’m giving them the fake sign. If they heil too, we know they’re bad people.
DM: Nice.

The two figures are a human and a halfling. After a series of gestures, since everyone is reluctant to shout across the room, the two groups head for a meeting in the center.

Artemis: And we can kill them if they don’t like us.
Inferian: What’s your alignment?
Artemis: Chaotic Good…
Inferian: What’d you want to say about killing?
Artermis: Killing is bad, ew.
Calinai: No, killing is okay as long as it reaches your goals.
DM: The human woman opens the dialogue as you come within close enough distance that you can speak softly. “You must also be in search of the horn.“
Inferian: “We are seekers of the horn. That is why we set out a long time ago.” It’s technically true!

The NPCs introduce themselves, but the halflings’s name sounds very, very, very distantly like “Quark”, so he is so dubbed. Calinai spends a while complaining about the title of Captain as it relates to the officer in charge of a space station.

DM: “There are quite a few of you. I don’t suppose you’d be willing to split the dragon hoard.”
Inferian: “We’re suspicious. The last skeletons we saw in here were not quite as inanimate as they pretended to be.”\
DM: “Skeletons? You’ve seen skeletons?”
Inferian: “Also a darkspawn army descending on the very walls of this place.”
DM: “An army? There’s nothing to conquer here!”
Inferian: Which Dax symbiote is this? I’m confused…

They contemplate the skeleton again, and Calinai readies a Fiery Burst to rouse it. They’re interrupted, however…

DM: “Lord Dragon!” Benar, punctual as always…
Infeiran: You’re supposed to be staying stealthy!
Calinai: “Lord Dragon, I am stealthily going behind the dragon!
DM: I’m sorry, Inferian, he failed his Stand Silently roll. He apologizes, as humbly as only Benar can manage. “Lord Dragon! I’m so sorry to disobey you. But you must come and see!” You can see from here what he’s all giddy about…
Inferian: Please stop plundering the Arkenstone, Benar…
DM: No, he’s actually pointing at the dragon skeleton.

The game abruptly derails to an extremely redacted joke, Benar is, in fact, pointing at something lodged in the skeleton!

DM: You see, lodged in between bones, there is a… (long pause) Black arrow!
Falgrim: Arrow.
Inferian: Black arrow.
Calinai: In his knee? He used to be a dragon once, till he took a black arrow to the knee…
DM: It is a greatsword. Benar cannot take his eyes off of it.
Calinai: “Must pull out sword…”
Inferian: “Benar, hold your position.”
DM: “But Lord Dragon!”
Calinai: “It’s so shiny!”
DM: “This mighty blade—“
Inferian: OBEY! I rename him Abu…
Calinai: “Don’t touch anything, Abu!” Touch EVERYTHING.

Inferian and Calinai fondly remember the fleshgrinding masterslaying sword. The NPCs protest the ludicrous paranoia of the PCs, promptly bitter laughter from the latter. Picking up a single coin from the dragon’s hoard fails to wake it, so Benar attempts to remove the sword. The skeleton instantly rises to action, of course. Initiative! They begin attacking, without a bludgeoning weapon to use on the skeleton among the lot of them. The skeleton splits up its massive full attack on the ones surrounding it.

Calinai: You’re awfully nice. Inferian would just focus the entire attack until someone dies.
DM: It has no chance of hitting Falgrim.
Calinai: Why, what’s Falgrim’s – whoa, Falgrim, that’s some armor class!
DM: Then again, it could grapple…
Inferian: Falgrim reveals he’s been secretly putting levels into Reaping Mauler this entire time.
DM: This could be bad… it’s not going to confirm it, don’t worry.

The DM takes a moment to total numbers…

DM: 45 damage, Falgrim.
Calinai: From the one slash.
DM: From a bite, claw, and a wing. 21 damage to Benar as its tail slaps down upon him, beating him to the ground.
Calinai: I feel like we’re in a raid encounter and I have to yell at some newbie for getting behind him and getting tail-whipped. “Stop getting tail-whipped! Attack him from the side!”

It comes out that the skeleton is immune to fire, which on top of its undead traits gives it immunity to pretty much everything. The group continues to wail on the skeleton for a while, which isn’t very funny. Lars attempts to cast defensively, fails, remembers he has the Combat Casting feat, and succeeds. The halfling, we think, casts a spell on the skeleton, which nobody who has Spellcraft actually elects to identify.

DM: I take it Inferian won’t be running to a corner to cower… let’s see.
Inferian: I run to a corner to cower.
DM: You run to the edge of Benar’s hearing so you can still command him.

Harmony charges in! The dragon takes its AOO, and the DM’s look of glee says it all.

Calinai: You can’t crit a ghost dog.
DM: You can’t? Yes you can, don’t give me that!

Despite the pain, Harmony survives and unloads several attacks onto the skeleton, though DR continues to suck. Lars slices a Cinnabon in half and makes a sandwich with lemon meringue pie as a filling. NO ONE UNDERSTANDS HOW HE SURVIVES, but he does, suggesting they inject a watermelon with vodka as he obstinately continues breathing. Calinai casts magic missile.Inferian: It adopts its ‘weakened’ pose!
Calinai: I was thinking Final Fantasy Mystic Quest again!

The other caster lobs a spell into the fray – and suddenly, several of the PC’s party are rolling will saves! Falgrim fails… then saves when he remembers he gets a +2. Harmony and Bullock are confused!

DM: So basically… Harmony and Bullock… only…
Inferian: He sounds so defeated…

Swiftly recognizing that the other PCs are confused, Inferian raises his hand in the gesture established earlier!

DM: Inferian calls for all his subjects to bow and worship him.
Inferian: (laughing) You said you weren’t going to give me grief about this!
DM: This isn’t grief, it’s murder
Calinai: Wait, did you fall under the control?
Falgrim: No, he did the hand signal.
Inferian: The no-attack hand signal. That he specifically lied to me, damn. This is why I didn’t trust him when he said, “Oh I won’t do anything if you use your psicrystal”…

The dragon takes to the air, while Bullock begins to babble incoherently. Harmony attacks Lars!

DM: What’s your AC?
Lars: 25. Harmony’s not gonna hit… give me an attack roll for Harmony, please.
Treedon: 27.
DM: WOOHOO!

Harmony deals a low 9 damage, while Falgrim laughs that Harmony can’t make the no-attack gesture. The discussion gets… really, really, really off-track.

Inferian: He’s not a Nazi at all! Get him!

The skeletal dragon has taken off, and this absolutely stymies the group for some reason. Falgrim openly debates hurling his melee weapons at it out of desperation.

Inferian: Dude, slap the crap out of the chick who confused you!
DM: Shut up! I was hoping no one would think of it and you would just move on! You a-hole! Keep looking at your book!

Falgrim and Benar charge in to inflict some pain on the two traitors, while the ranged continue to snipe at the dragon. One of the NPCs starts casting.

Inferian: Will saves for all again?
DM: No.
Inferian: Come on, I wanna make a Will save.
DM: She’s not the one who cast it on you.
Inferian: Damn you Jadzia Dax…

Harmony’s action comes up as “attack nearest creature” again, prompting comments of “hugging with her mouth”. Inferian discovers his mini has gone completely missing off the field, to his mild alarm. Someone puts it back down again.

Falgrim: Facing away from the combat. Discharges his crossbow and gets out of there.
Inferian: Move me up just a bit.
Calinai: Here?
Inferian: Up. Forward.
Artemis: To the side.
Inferian: No. Wait. Literally up. I fly.

Inferian fires at the dragon, while Treedon begins summoning a nature’s ally. Inferian bemoans that he taught the DM the joy of confusion to begin with. Poor Treedon, who is also the nearest creature to Bullock, gets tripped and attacked mid-cast, losing the spell.

DM: (gleefully) This is the joy of being a DM that I’ve longed for, for so long!

Calinai lobs a Dispel onto the group, wiping the Confusion off them, barely. The group breathes a sigh of relief.

Calinai: Your puppy is good to go, and so is Bullock, as they realize how much they’ve beaten you up. “Oh no!”
Treedon: Harmony did 0 points of damage to me, so...
Calinai: I’m starting to think unleashing my Cure Serious Wounds on the dragon is a good idea. LASER BEAMS OF HEALING! I told you, Inferian, we need to carry at least 4 Phoenix Downs on us…
Inferian: Just Suplex the ghost train, that’s all.

Calinai curses Inferian for failing to fly at a nice round number height and arbitrarily reassigns him to a higher altitude. The dragon decides to dogfight Inferian, biting him for 18.

Inferian: Oh no, my temporary hit points.

They squabble for a bit about the feats the skeletal dragon might possess. One of the NPCs casts a spell.

Inferian: Quick, roll a Spellcraft to see what she cast.
Falgrim: I don’t have Spellcraft.
Inferian: I’m yelling at Calinai.
Falgrim: I don’t have Spellcraft.
Inferian: I’m yelling at Calinai!
Falgrim: I don’t have Spellcraft.
Inferian: I’M YELLING AT CALINAI! (dissolving into froth)
DM: She was desperately trying to cast Fear on Falgrim.
Falgrim: “I tire of your spells, lass!” 46.
DM: You’ve ended her life.

Benar attacks with his blades, dealing 21 altogether. Stuff happens in the background that is mostly lost over Artemis’s bemoaning geometry and math in general. Sioneva fires at the dragon!

Inferian: Don’t forget you’re firing into melee.
Sioneva: I have Precise Shot, I’m not worried about that.
DM: Inferian, in no danger from sharp arrows—
Inferian: That whiz inches from his face.
DM: But he’s the Lord Dragon, he manages to look awesome.
Inferian: Oh, finally some credit!
DM : Lars?
Lars: (despondently) Anyone need healing…
Inferian: Take a five foot step over and beat the crap out of this halfling!
DM: It’s cleric-on-cleric violence!

Harmony goes to town on the halfling, then Bullock trips him and whacks him,. The skeletal dragon has held on this entire time; the DM seriously debates having it full-attack Inferian even if this causes it to plummet to the ground. Instead, it grapples Inferian!

DM: You want to make the Strength check?
Inferian: Natural 20. So 22.
Calinai: You can still beat it.
DM: Natural 20 isn’t guaranteed?
Calinai: Not in a Strength check. ‘Cuz that would suck, if a giant with a Strength check of 47, because he happens to roll a 19, loses to a gnome with a Strength of +2 because he happened to roll a 20.
DM: In that case, that’s not enough, but you fought it like a boss.

The dragon flies off with Inferian in its clutches, and.. cliffhanger! The game must end here!