Since the group has gotten large and unwieldy, any one person missing spells doom for all! In an effort to get the most viciously evil player’s evil out, the group has elected to run an evil game on the side. The evil player in question has managed to miss this game, though… whoops.

DM: This is the EVIL game!
Paltik: The intentionally evil game.
DM: The one where on purpose, you guys are bad. And currently the one without the guy we’re supposed to be having the game for. Screw you.
Paltik: Dickhead, dickhead…
Hestor: Fish heads? Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads.
Paltik: You’re off tune! Ouch!
Hestor: Sorry. I’m not in chorus. I’m not good at singing.
DM: You used to be good at singing. You used to be in chorus, then you stopped.
Hestor: …everyone’s good at chorus when they’re in middle school.
Paltik: …it’s true.

The DM questions whether or not the assembled characters believe in deities. Trouble abruptly brews in evil paradise.

DM: That is NOT gonna be the voice you’re using.
Paltik: (very deep voice) Why not?
Rove: (Christopher Lee voice) Because it will sound too much like mine.
Paltik: I disagree.
Rove: An excuse to bring Christopher Lee back to the table.
Paltik: Everyone loves Christopher Lee.
Rove and Hskoro: And his lollipops.
Hestor: (paying no attention) Yes… oh yes…
DM: This is creepy, because Hestor’s sitting there screaming ‘yes’ as she gets into the Oreo cookies…
Paltik: So that’s her O-reo face.

No one approves of this. Thrakun openly rejects Diplomacy as a skill on the reasoning of ‘evil’.

Paltik: “here are ways to get what you want other than brute force.”
Thrakun: “Nyah, see, nyah.” I’ll see your stupid voice…
Paltik: My voice isn’t stupid! “It’s deep and resonant!” If it helps, it’s not my physical voice.
DM: I would figure that your physical voice is much different…which is why you’re probably using telepathy, right?

The evil PCs have been having dreams for weeks – each of them seeing the same place, a ruined temple in a blackened wasteland. They start rolling Knowledge checks to identify the place… and Rove and Paltik immediately get into an argument about who is smarter.

Rove: We don’t even know each other yet.
DM: Yes, you don’t even know each other yet.
Rove: “Hilter, destroy it. Bring me its fingers.”
Thrakun: “I wish to suckle them.”
Rove: “I will use them for my dartboard. You hear that, little one? You’re destined to be part of my billiards set.”
Paltik: Darts are not billiards!
Rove: “Tey’re lumped into the same category!”
Paltik: The category of people… stupid things!
Rove: (singsong) Not sounding like a kobooooold!
Paltik: (singsong) We’re not actually roleplaaaaying!
DM: Because you guys aren’t – you aren’t there yet, you’re getting drunk!

For some reason, kobolds are described exactly like hobbits, prompting Paltik to be angry he’s missing second breakfast, then prompting a “Ballad of Bilbo Baggins” singalong.

Paltik: I will head for this temple.
Rove: I will head for this temple.
Paltik: “I will head for this temple.”
Rove: I will head for this temple.
Paltik: Ip will head for this temple.
Rove: I will head to this temple.
Paltik: I will head for this temple!
DM: Hskoro is apparently the pyromaniac of this group, he was like, “I’m gonna head to this temple AND BURN IT DOWN!”
Hskoro: It’s not a temple of Barbatos.

The DM gives some backstory: good has risen in this world, and evil is vastly on the decline. Paltik attempts to paint it as Demolition Man, where he gets fined for swearing. Hestor is forbidden from speaking to anyone outside of the game for PR reasons. Thrakun, being a dwarf, refuses to obtain a pony.

DM: Parts of the ruins are still smoking.
Rove: There should be plenty of fresh corpses lying around.
DM: They’re not fresh. They’re skeletal remains.
Rove: Still good.
DM: For you, yes. This was something that happened 75 years ago.
Hestor: Dinner!

A long pause.

Hestor: I dunno. Keep going.
Hskoro: Who arrived first?
Hestor: Your mother.
Hskoro: I was not expecting to see her here.
DM: Roll for it.

With some quick d6ing, Hestor and Paltik arrive at the same time. The DM calls on them to describe themselves… at which Hestor locks up.

Hestor: I’m a tall elf…
DM: You’re tall and elfy looking?
Hskoro: Elfy-looking.
Hestor: I don’t really…
DM: Did you not…
Paltik: This figure has no shape or form!
Thrakun: It’s an amorphous blob!
DM: It is a tall, elfy-shaped gelatinous blob.
Thrakun: It’s a gelatinous thing…it’s got two ears sticking out.

Hestor finally figures out what she looks like, a little. She demands to know what Paltik is doing here; the kobold responds telepathically that he has been summoned. They establish that they’re both here for the same reason

Hskoro: I see Paltik’s lips moving. He’s not talking telepathically. You gotta figure out how to talk without moving your lips.
Paltik: (holding a book up in front of his face) “If you don’t want to see my lips move, I shall oblige you!”

The two of them enter into the ruined cathedral, then roll a quick Perception check. Smoke visibly wafts over the altar, disrupted by some sort of breeze. Paltik discovers a seam on the floor.

Paltik: “Pry open this seam.”
DM: What are you using to pry open the seam?
Hestor: Wait, I have to open it?
DM: You can try and make him do it.
Rove: The little guy can probably squeeze in there!
Hskoro: It’s a pity the guy with so much strength isn’t there… a pity…
DM: They can argue and fight and…
Rove: And artifice.
Hestor: “I don’t know if I can trust you.”
DM: They can get into an altercation… and you guys can arrive.

Paltik continues to glare at Hestor. Hestor continues to demur. This lasts a little while.

Paltik: Will save for you!
Hestor: …really?
Paltik: Yes, really!
Hestor: Shit!
Rove: Charm person, seriously?
DM: Psionic charm.
Hskoro: Just hand your sheet to Paltik, let him play. He’s acquired you as a minion…

The other PCs quickly check their Will saving throws in preparation for the inevitable final battle. Rove and Hskoro delight in their bonuses.

DM: What is your DC?
Paltik: I refuse to answer that, but I’ll tell you if she makes it or not…
Hestor: Oh god. I rolled a 2. I like you…
DM: That was a four.
Paltik: You’re my friend for five hours. “Friend, would you open that seam?”
DM: His eyes bore into your soul, and suddenly you can feel like you can trust him. You want to acquiesce to his demand.
Hestor: “Sure, why not?”

Hestor rolls like crap, swaps out her d20, and rolls much better on the next attempt. The others, as they show up, get Listen checks. Thrakun and Hskoro hear the creaking and grinding of stone within; Rove does not.

DM: What was your Perception roll, an 8?
Rove: It was a 1.
DM: You were apparently intrigued – you were focused on a skeleton on the ground.
Paltik: Hilter’s over there doing this! (miming a little dance) Yatta tatta tatta…
Hskoro: He’s walking backwards, on his horse, because his horse knows where to go, but he’s like, “Where’re we going?”
Rove: I’m reading the Great Book of Gummi. Ramaze dumed numow! That’s where I get all my spells, from the Book of Gummi…
DM: And Thrakun and Hskoro see each other for the first time.

Rove, realizing that Hskoro’s negative energy can heal his minions, rejoices; Thrakun bemoans his failure to hide before he was spotted. They immediately ally, or at least fail to kill each other.

Hskoro: “My god protects me from the diseases I carry, but he will not protect you. I advise you stay a few feet back.”
Thrakun: “Our kind has little worry for diseases.”

Rove continues to be distracted.

Paltik: Hilter’s got a cane and top hat… Yatta tatta tatta, yatta tatta tatta…
DM: Hilter’s getting down. With his bad self.
Paltik: I’m just going to start texting you evil things I don’t want the others to know.

It finally occurs to the group to mention their names to each other.

Paltik: Thri-kreen?
Thrakun: NO.
Rove: Biceps Ultra-biceps…
Thrakun: Doggy Dipp Dog Dip…
DM: Phat Dope Doggy Dogg…
Rove: Streetwise Ultra-biceps…
Paltik: Ooooooze Ghoere Fitzgeraldtron.
Hestor: Okay. Soooo.. game?
DM: Are you being a good minion?
Hestor: Well… I kinda don’t..
DM: He didn’t give you a choice.
Hestor: Yeah, so, I guess I am…
Paltik: She’s my friend! She’s not my slave.
Hestor: Yeah. Sure.
Thrakun: Yet.
Hskoro: Look, I’m gonna give you some advice. If you want to stay in the game, stay with Paltik, because whatever happens, Paltik’s gonna win.
Paltik: Whatever’s gonna happen… stuff falling on… you guys all team up and knife me in the beginning… This is what you guys need to do, team up and kill all my characters till I get down to my seventh choice that I didn’t really want to play… “Oh, here’s the fighter, he can’t do anything.”

Hskoro decides to sneak in after Thrakun, with a solid 15 on Sneak, while Hestor ponders the stairs she’s uncovered. Thrakun spots her easily.

DM: You can see figures standing behind the altar. Well, you can see ONE figure standing behind the altar… you’re pretty much hidden by the altar, shorty.
Paltik: Yes, for the record, I’m 2’4”…
Hestor: I’m six feet.
DM: So over there you have Mutt and Jeff.
Thrakun: “Did I just see that pile of rags shift?”
DM: So, are you going to go down the stairs? The air from beneath smells fresh and clean…
Hestor: (looking at Paltik)
Paltik: (nodding at her)
Hestor: I guess I am…

Paltik is dubbed a Professor X expy, for better mocking, even as they predict he’ll attempt to charm, them all immediately. However, Rove has a cunning scheme should his treachery ever come to light.

Rove: “Hilter! You hammer, he nail.”
Paltik: (miming swinging something back and forth) “Put out the kobold! Put out the kobold!”
DM: Bam bam, bam bam bam!
Paltik: You can tell I’m Professor X ‘cuz I’m koBALD.

Silence for a bit. The characters attempt to go downstairs, but the players get distracted by mostly meaningless stuff. Hskoro breaks into a Macho Man voice out of nowhere.

Hskoro: “Oooh yeah! Let me tell ya somethin’ ‘bout the dark god!”
DM: I want that to be your voice. So we’ll have two Christopher Lees-
Paltik: I’m not Christopher Lee, I’m Generic Deep-voiced Guy!
Thrakun: Yeah, sure, Chris.
DM: The dwarf, and then… the molester.
Hskoro: “Let me tell you about the dark side!”

Hestor seriously contemplates molesting Paltik, who cheerfully threatens death by mind bullets. Thrakun creeps along after.

Paltik: We cannot hear. Your stealth is too good.
Thrakun: Yaaaay – oops!

Rove finally pulls himself free of Hilter’s magnificent dance to catch up with Hskoro. The DM yells at Hestor till she falls quiet so she can actually give the others some screen time.

Hskoro: “Another traveler comes! Yes! Welcome to the temple! Others have come heaaah! I feaah there might be nasty do-gooders a level below us-sah! Will you aid me in destroying them?”

Rove is unable to answer, because he, like the rest of the group, is pretty much paralyzed with laughter at Hskoro’s performance.

Hskoro: “Ohhh yeah, you seem to be paralyzed by my GLORY! Can I hear it for BARBATOS!!”

Hskoro pretty much spoils Thrakun’s efforts at stealth by announcing at the top of his lungs that the dwarf went ahead. The ones below get Perception checks again, which Hestor immediately blows!

Hestor: Nine.
DM: You totally must have wiped her mind with that psionic thing. You’re lucky she’s not drooling…

Hskoro advances at the top of his lungs, spouting “ooh yeah!”s and banging his mace against his shield. Thrakun sighs.

Rove: “Where are you, little one? Come out. I’ve got a lollipop.”
Hskoro: “Do not tempt me with candy! It is the sacred food of Barbatos!”
Paltik: This is the least-evil guy ever.
Thrakun: I know!
Hskoro: I’m lawful evil! “I’m gonna stab some baby necks when I get out of here!”
Paltik: Or right now, you could throw a warhammer at someone.
Hskoro: I’m sorry, let me get a little evil. Pick up one of my freeze-dried babies off my belt… (miming drinking it)
Paltik: “The best part of waking up…”
All: “Is babies in your cup!”

Paltik comes up with a joke that he immediately voluntarily redacts, and let’s just say he was right to do so. Hskoro advances down the stairs, and Hestor grumbles as Paltik uses her as a meat shield. Everyone confirms that Thrakun’s Sneak check is much too high for anyone to beat.

Paltik: There’s a voice in your mind. “Hold there!”
Hskoro: “No! The voice again, it’s come back! I shall not do what you say this time, sir!”
Paltik: “Whatever voice you were speaking to, it is not the same one as you speak to now. What brings you here to this temple?”
Hskoro: “The voice said to come here. That’s really about it. And there were some do-gooders who needed to be un-gooded!”
Paltik: “There are no practitioners of the Ways of the Light here. We too were called.”
Hskoro: (miming sheathing his sword)
Paltik: …did you just sheathe that in your belly? Because that’s sure what it looked like from here..
Hskoro: “I am Hskoro! Servant of Barbatos! Whaaaat?”
Thrakun: You took the title from Glass. You are now simultaneously my most hated and most favorite character.”

Thrakun drops out of hiding, to the surprise of all. They briefly talk before deciding to advance… no one first.

Paltik: “Lead the way.”
Rove: “After you.”
Paltik: I was talking to her?
Hestor: Why do I have to?
Thrakun and DM: FRIIIIIIIIIIIEND!
Hestor: I may be your friend and all, but you don’t shove friends into danger.
DM: He’s evil, yes he does.
Hskoro: Hskoro, being bored of this conversation, snatches up the torch from her hand and begins to walk forward without permission!
Thrakun: Oh yeaaaah!

Hestor tries to argue that her wolf should be savaging Paltik, without much success. For some reason, a matchup between Darth Vader and Batman is discussed. In the distance, they see something glimmering.

Paltik: Do-gooders!
Hestor: “Let’s kill them and eat their bodies, I mean, ew, that’s gross.”
Hskoro: “I like your thinkin’, little one! We’re goin’ now!”
Paltik: She’s not little.
Hskoro: “All things that are smaller in stature to me are little! All things that are bigger than me die!” (bursts into coughing)
Thrakun: Now it becomes, how long can Hskoro keep this voice up?
Hskoro: Seriously, it’s killing me…

The group steps into a ritual room, complete with altar and dead corpse on the altar! A magically bound, living figure kneels before the altar, appearing to me more than just an average elf – it is, in fact, an eladrin. With a few quick Knowledge(religion) rolls, they determine that this temple is dedicated to all the evil gods, and the corpse is that of a high priest who sacrificed himself. To complete the ritual, they must draw the sword from his body and use it to slay the eladrin.

DM: It is a type of celestial.
Hestor: Celestia?!
DM: CelestiAL. I didn’t say anything about ponies.
Hskoro: “I’m so gonna take this guy and bench press him into infinity!”

Hestor is on board with this idea; she salivates at the idea of killing something that even looks like an elf.

Rove: “Then why not pull out the sword and kill it yourself?”
Hestor: “I’m not an idiot.”
Rove: “You follow that one, don’t you?”
Hestor: “Hey, he’s my friend.”

The game stalls a bit as Paltik texts secret information to the DM. The group moves to surround the eladrin in preparation for releasing it, yelling at Paltik to hurry up.

Paltik: Trust me, the words I’m using are not frequently in the dictionary of my phone.
Thrakun: “Kill Thrakun…”
Paltik: How do you spell that? With one O or two? We kill Thrakon. He was a regular guy who was with us the entire time.
Rove: Do we need minis?
Thrakun: For a single target?
Rove: I’m not talking about the target, I’m talking about the rest of you. The first sign of treachery… “Hilter, sic ‘em!” OBEY! I get to say that now!
Paltik: You roll a natural 1 on your Command Undead. “Yatta tatta tatta, yatta tatta tatta…”
Hskoro: OBEEEEY.
Thrakun: What the hell was that?

Paltik’s scheming apparently fails as he casts Psionic Grease under the eladrin. Hskoro pulls the sword out and the DM calls for initiative!

DM: What’s your wolf’s name?
Hestor: I don’t think it has a name yet.
Rove: Arf.
DM: Okay, yeah, I’ll call it Arf.
Hestor: No – what?!
DM: If you did not name it, a name will be provided to you.

A three-way tie for initiative breaks out, including in Dex scores, leading the DM to just declare a Rock Paper Scissors battle for it. Rove goes first and hurls a Lesser Orb of Sound spell into the creature.

Paltik: You know it’s gonna turn out that the altar is another dude or a god or something. They disguised themselves by casting altar self.

The longest silence ever. Someone throws a die down in rage. The eladrin misses as the players drop some further damage onto it. Hilter steps uop!

Rove: It’d be funny if Hilter is like the Dirk of this campaign.
Paltik: The Benar of this campaign.
Rove: Benar speaks. Hilter’s not much for words…

The DM bemoans the fairly effortlessly victory against a higher-power foe, and they mop it up without much difficulty.

Rove: I’ll just have my minion watch for any signs of treachery…
Paltik: Why am I the first to be blamed for treachery?!
Rove: Because you’re secret-texting the DM!
Paltik: Like you can tell that in-chnaracter!
Rove: Okay, I’ll amend that last statement to include all of the PCs.
Paltik: Acceptable! Just don’t discriminate against me.
Hskoro: You’re the only one doing it!
Rove: You’re the only one planning to kill us all.
Paltik: I never said that! In fact, I said exactly the opposite.

Hestor starts sending secret texts to the DM, mostly along the lines of “Hi”. Hskoro properly kills the eladrin with the sword. Hskoro lampshades that the god’s name is properly spelled ‘Barbatas’, but no cares. A pair of pools erupt in a blast of baleful green fire!

DM: Do you actually believe in god, Hestor?
Hestor: No, I kind of believe I’m here by chance.
DM: Amidst the screaming souls, there’s a “YEEEEESSSSSS!” You, as those mixed voices scream yes, you get a massive headache. And you take 23 points of damage, because you are an unbeliever. And there’s a voice in your head that says, “Little fool, you will serve, or you’ll be ground underneath the wheel!”
Rove: “Paltik, your friend is slain!”
Paltik: Too busy prostrating myself!
DM: It’s not like the rest of you took any damage, but you have 30 temporary hit points now.
Paltik: Prostrating!
DM: And this will hold till the next session. The priest’s remains crumble into dust and get swept up into the fires that are still burning. And there’s a face forming.

The evil god representative praises the PCs, then causes the altar to crack open.

Thrakun: Nougat!
Paltik: Candy!
Rove: Zagnut…
DM: There’s some treasure pouring out, and I’ll tell you what you get later…
Rove: In this game, Thrakun doesn’t have to share.
Paltik: (menacingly) But he’s GOING to.
Thrakun: I don’t know, I have a high Bluff and Sleight of Hand…
Paltik: Roll a Will save!
Rove: “I’ll hold on to Mr. Hilter’s share…”
DM: “You will be our sword against the forces of good! We will teach them to fear us again!:

The players start distributing their evil roles to summon Captain Pollution. They also attempt to sacrifice Hestor for no real reason, over Paltik’s protests that he spent a valuable power point charming her. The game ends on a pretty horrible mishearing of the word “spin” as “spit”…