The group has gotten so sad and out-of-sorts with its latest adjustments that it takes a whole evening just to level their characters up. With an entire week burned, they reassemble in the hopes of getting some serious D&D in. (Spoilers: they pretty much fail.) In the background, Sioneva overuses a screaming goat. Inferian demands to know who the highest-level of his minion hordes are – he has a 3rd level and 4th level mook due to his high Thrallherd skill. It turns out the fouth-level one is a dwarven paladin.

Inferian: What’s my paladin’s mount, since he’s fourth level? Does he have a war boar? A pony?
Calinai: It could be a war pony.
DM: Methinks you should tread cautiously about the pony.
Sioneva: He’s got a screaming goat.
Falgrim: It’s just a normal horse, it just has a ladder on it.
DM: And a strapping male man-at-arms sort seems to be among the rabble. He sure looks like he could swing a sword!
Inferian: If ya know what I mean!
DM: Yeah. I’m trying to tell Calinai it’s the person…
Calinai: No, he uses a chain.
DM: I don’t remember! I don’t! He sure looks like he could swing a chain in place of a sword… Sure looks like he could make great trip attempts. Just go bond him against his will, he’s doing the same thing with all his followers.
Calinai: I was hoping for a more epic storyline, but okay.
Inferian: “I am the Lord Dragon! Enjoy the stay!”
DM: Ah, you’ve accepted your role at last.
Inferian: Everyone else seems intent on putting it on me, what am I supposed to do?
Falgrim: You’re the one who STARTED it!
Inferian: (indignantly protesting through a mouth of food) Mo uh mint! Memar starmed mt.
Falgrim: Then you’re the one who started playing along with it!
Inferian: What was I supposed to do, tell him ‘no’?!
DM: Incidentally, Lars, the dwarven paladin is a Whitecloak.
Lars: Hold on, does he recognize Lars?
DM: If he does, he’s too awestruck by his new lord and emperor to make comment on it.
Lars: “Dwarf! Whatever your name is. Whitecloak dward.”
DM: It’s Inferian’s turn to come up with the name… go to the name generator.
Lars: I just rolled a natural 20, so 29 on my Gather Information. “Dwarf! You’re a former Whitecloak?”
Falgrim: “No I’m not, lad, you know who I am…”
DM: “The Dragon is the embodiment of the light itself! Oh ho! Expository!”
Lars: “Which unit do you hail from? Where are they now?” Are they anywhere close enough that they’ll screw with us on our storyline?
DM: “Oh, probably not lad. I’ve journeyed far and wide, through many dangers, and uh…… now I’m here.” (awkward silence) “Dragon! Dragon!”
Inferian: All right, let’s pick a Scottish name for this dwarf.
Sioneva: Haggis?
Lars: Duncan McCloud. You’ve got the only one!
Inferian: Ainsley Lennox…

As the crow flies --

Inferian: Heavy Doggy Dogg Phat X Dope Doggy Dogg—okay, I’m done.
Calinai: Oh man, the day we add alcohol to the session, it’s gonna be the game everybody drinks.
Lars: Oh, we take a shot every time we go off-topic.
Falgrim: Everybody gets a bottle.
Lars; We wouldn’t make it into opening up our character sheets.

As the crow flies, they’re not far, but a mountain range is in the way, so they elect to go back to the capital of Andor by teleport to get there by a more accommodating route.

Inferian: Andor was Noldor before it got changed, right?
Falgrim: Yes.
Inferian: Oh god, someone put the male chastity belt on Lars.
DM: I can’t believe you even remember what it was called before!
Lars: Is it possible to have your servants build palanquins and just carry us?
DM: It IS possible. If they start following to their deaths in the mountains more will just show up anyway.
Inferian: “We’ve been trapped in this cave for days!”
DM: You’ve got your own Clocketeers, they’re just going to pull the boat over the mountain!
Inferian: I’m gonna take the Hannibal-crossing-the-Alps plan here. “One third survived! Forward!”
Lars: I can use my Master Manipulator feat to take control of them, but then I have to talk. Constantly. For days.

As they hit Andor, Inferian dispatches a minion to the queen as a courtesy. Lars attempts to head along for the purpose of hitting on the Queen.

Inferian My halfling rogue is on sap detail. “I’m gonna go see the Qu—“ <>i>(miming a blow to Lars’s skull)
Lars: A 15 on my Intimidate to have the dude SAY he knocked me out…
DM: Lars has wandered off, apparently got lost. Or is he? Making his way to her royal chambers…
Falgrim: (almost desperately) Don’t you know, you never split the party…
Inferian: So he’s the Aiden of this campaign, except instead of going to the Pussy Tail, he’s going to the queen’s chambers…
Lars: Dude, I will have a kingdom…
Inferian: I’ve already set out to take one kingdom down, I really don’t mind adding another to the list…

The queen sends back a messenger requesting their presence, while Lars furiously attempts to inveigle his way into an audience. He also attempts to smooth any ruffled feathers that might ensue because a small army just popped up in the city, but the group points out that Inferian has been here before.

Inferian: They’re pretty resigned to it.
Calinai: (singing) Hail the Dragon…
Inferian: Benar, can we keep the chanting a little bit down in the city?
Falgrim: “YES LORD DRAGON!”

The queen enters the audience chambers as they all arrive. Lars cheerfully takes credit for pretty much everything, ever, but the queen simply arches an eyebrow.

DM: The queen makes comment about how your retinue has grown considerably since last you met.
Inferian: I leveled up.
Falgrim: Meta. Meta. Meta.

The queen politely denies them lodging since she has other guests, but they don’t intend to dawdle so they don’t mind. Lars hurriedly dives in.

Lars: Is it Diplomacy for me to say, “That’s okay, I can just stay in your chamber”?
Calinai: What? Diplomacy?!
Falgrim: That’s more like Perform!
Lars: Before I roll, I just need to ask what skill is required!
Calinai: There’s no skill for that, you just get killed…
DM: I will let you roll Diplomacy, but if you roll a 1…
Lars: I am executed and roll a new character…

Lars rolls a 30 all told, which luckily means the queen takes it as a friendly joke. They briefly recount their adventures to the queen, who after all, is their ally…

Inferian: “We met another Foresaken. He had taken over the museum we had traveled to, installed a dungeon complex beneath it for reasons I can only speculate on. Unfortunately we were not able to slay him before he fled, coward that he was.”
DM: (openly laughing)
Inferian: ONE GOLEM I don’t stand and tank with my face, and I’m a coward!
DM: Oink oink.
Inferian: That was only common sense.
DM: Common sense tells you to be a coward! And you obey common sense!
Falgrim: It was ME who came up with the idea for the pig, all right?
Inferian: …we were all thinking it.

They continue on with their explanation, recounting the damage to the seal they located and all that could potentially mean.

Lars: That was a 23 on my Diplomacy check…
DM: Are you still trying to get into—
Falgrim: I rolled a 5 but still a 25 on my attack, now what’s your AC?
DM: Eventually you will roll high enough that I will allow it.
Inferian: Don’t tell him that, it’ll only encourage him.
DM: And then her subjects will probably throw rocks at you.
Lars: Oh, I thought she would wake up dead next to me.

Somehow this sidetracks into highly specific complaints about highly specific incidents in highly specific previous campaigns.

Inferian: No! There’s never been a dead body in your bed! They’ve always been in separate beds which you happened to venture to in the course of the night!
Lars: That’s why if I wake up and she’s dead next to me I have to roll my Bluff. “IDIDN’TDOIT!” (rolling)
Falgrim: 1. DAMN IT!
Inferian: The murdered shattered her hips to make you seem responsible.
DM: Either that or you’ll get a LOT more than you bargained for when you crawl into that bed.
Lars: She’s a succubus!
Inferian: Spiked gauntlets, left and right.
DM: You’ll have a lot of subdual damage to work off.
Inferian: Let’s just say you’ll be the woman.
DM: How many hit points do you have?
Lars: Not enough, apparently.
Inferian: Let’s just say you’ll need to roll Constitution checks to keep from being fecally incontinent, because your sphincter isn’t strong enough any more.
Falgrim: Oh, you’re gonna get pegged.
Inferian: Yes. That was what I was implying.
Lars: I don’t know this, man, I’m gonna keep trying. Oh my god, I think it might be worth it!

They explain their next mission, to travel to the cursed City of Shadows, and the queen practically bemoans their deaths. She offers them whatever aid she can; Inferian requests halfling aid to get to the Waste with speed, once they return.

Inferian: “And let them know there’s a loooot of people to come this time.”
DM: They’ll add the coach class to it. Solely because of you.
Lars: I’m not paying for your minions to come through the teleporter…
DM: I don’t think he charged you guys.
Inferian: No, it was a test run, and we were the brave souls… Remember, I rolled that Bluff check to never show fear. Every time. No matter how much you guys were trying to get it out of me.
Falgrim: I was trying to get it out of you ‘cuz I was like, “I’m fucking scared as shit, what’s wrong with this guy?!”

Lars lays on the flattery again, still intent on charming the queen… who is becoming increasingly unwelcoming. Lars grumbles.

Lars: I got an 18 on my Charisma, I gotta be pretty good at this.
Inferian: Okay, if you wane be like that, mine’s 22. Bring it on. Ugly.
DM: The queen wishes you to have a friendly duel in her—
Inferian: (miming blowing Lars away)

Lars starts a general Gather Information check to shake the rumor tree and sees what falls out. No Forsaken rumors, but hints of unrest in the halfling nation! The city of Tier has closed its homeland! He plans to tell these rumors to Calinai and Calinai only, but a guardsman stops the others on the way to their rooms.

DM: “Begging your pardon, sirs and ladies, but there’s one stop we must make before I show you upstairs.”
Falgrim: “I hope it’s where the bathrooms are…”
DM: He walks you through the standard guest rooms and housing and takes you into the royal suites – (noticing Lars’s hopeful look) -- not the Queen’s! You’re not their, by the way—
Inferian: You’re getting drunk!

The figure that awaits them in this royal guest chamber: Swerengin! The conversation takes a sick and twisted turn in which Lars makes an incredibly ludicrous claim.

Lars: I love my wife, thank you.
Calinai: That doesn’t mean you can’t cheat on her, that doesn’t mean you don’t love her. Cheating doesn’t mean you don’t love someone, from what I’ve read in Jewish literature, which I just made up in my own head…
DM: King Swerengin rises, bids you greeting.
Falgrim: “Well it’s fucking great to see you guys here…”
DM: “Well, of all the good fortune. Aren’t you all coming along well?” He gives you a big ol’ slap on the shoulder that probably stops a hair short of dislocating it. “Like a rock!”
Falgrim: (sighing) “Aye. They breed us tough up north. We have to be.”
DM: “Tougher now. Look at that thing!” He indicates the sword on your back.
Falgrim: “Aye, a gift. It’s been put to good use.”
DM: “So I hear ol’ raspy-voice over there, people are calling him the Dragon of all things.”
Falgrim: “Uh….. his band of followers seem to think he’s the Dragon Reborn.”
Inferian: “That is the claim they make.”
DM: “Ah! Raspy! You recognize me! I was beginning to think you didn’t recognize who I was!”
Inferian: (who has been helping Calinai with rules for magic item enhancements up till now) “I was distracted with matters from beyond the ether.”
DM: “Speaking of matters, who are these? You got some new faces here!”
Inferian: “Introduce yourself, druid, whose name I forget.”
Treedon: “My name is Treedon.”
DM: “Treedon! Treehug! What’s the difference? Travel with this lot and you’re in for lots of fun. And maybe death, too!”
Inferian: “We intend to avoid that for as long as possible.”
DM: “That’s what they all say! Still, better dead than being a king!” You’re starting to deduce that the dragon may be in some capacity… what’s the word…
Sioneva: Drunk.
DM: Inebriated!

Inferian attempts to disbelieve the illusion or mental projection, just out of curiosity. He fails, primarily because Swerengin gives him a friendly shake and a drink. Swerengin explains that all of the creatures they killed can be brought back almost effortlessly, after which the DM claims that at the end of the final dungeon they’ll have to fight them all again in order. Swerengin grumbles that the Whitecloaks and the Terenians are giving him grief, and casually vows to wipe both out. The beer threatens livers left and right. Lars finally shows back up and proceeds to tell Calinai and only Calinai about the information he gathered, just as he planned so long ago!

DM: This is normally the part after you’re ready to settle in for the evening where I’d tell you all to make Listen checks or something like that, but I’m not going to do that.
Inferian: We all fail anyway.
DM: What?!
Falgrim: Aww, I’m assassinated.

Morning dawns with relatively few assassinations; the group is provisioned, prepared, and ready to march. Calinai openly encourages the DM to put in chokepoints and killing fields in every encounter upcoming to wipe out Inferian’s mook forces. The DM begins merrily rolling on the weather table!

DM: Oh ho ho, you just missed… your first day’s march greets you with thunderstorms. I just missed hurricane. I rolled 99. The rain mercilessly beats down upon you. Your pack animals hold their heads to the ground in misery,
Falgrim: (miming the head of an animal grinding against the ground)
DM: Even Inferian’s enticed followers seem rather down in the dumps with dismay. Benar beseeches you, no matter what it is that’s gotten your mood so low, to please dispel the storm clouds.
Inferian: “I appreciate your high opinion of me, but I don’t control the weather. Yet.”
All: (bursting into laughter)
Lars: He’s a fraud!
Calinai: “Doesn’t sound much like a dragon to me…”
DM: Well if they weren’t thralls, they would think… but being thralls, whatever they think is whatever he’s told them last.
Calinai: “Our lord won’t just turn this off, this is a test of our loyalty! Hail Dragon!”
DM: Your druid uncomfortably feels that this is some sort of omen, that your journey would start with such a foul, dangerous storm.
Lars: Don’t be a pansy, druid.

The DM questions their plans – the road, or cross-country? He also clarifies that the dwarven paladin rides a ram. The transcriber makes a note to injure Lars, whose text notification is even more incredibly annoying and painful on the audio than it was in person. The storm abates, but they seek out the best place to camp for the night they can find and cheerfully leave the watching to the mooks.

Falgrim: This is the entire reason Inferian went for this class.
Inferian: It’s one benefit, yes,
Calinai: By the way, any game I create will have that class banned.
Inferian: Don’t blame ya. Don’t blame ya.
Falgrim: I’m surprised you didn’t go with Leadership.
Calinai: It just adds to the insanity the poor DM has to deal with.
DM: Yes, there’s an army of you, I’m switching the rules to Birthright. All of your combat from now on will be done on the combat map.
Inferian: Get the cards!
Calinai: That was so confusing when we first did that. “What’s happening? Did I win?!”
DM: Inferian, you are woken in the middle of the night by one of your thralls.
Inferian: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiise.
Falgrim: Thank you.
DM: (singing some song)
Inferian: “Is this what he woke me for?”

The thrall hears disturbing noises in the night, like the flapping of many wings. Inferian takes a Listen at 31, and does indeed hear what sounds like a crapton of birds. Inferian has the others awakened; they don’t mind because they recognize this is probably something terrible as well. Calinai casts a Dancing Lights upwards to reveal what they can. It’s a giant flock of birds!

Falgrim: Are they carrion birds?
DM: That question is answered for you when Calinai’s light spell springs up and you hear a lot of aggravated squawking—
Inferian: (chicken noises)
DM: (turkey noises)
Inferian: “Treedon, advise us!”
Falgrim: “…kill ‘em?”

Treedon casts Speak With Animals, and is treated to the ravens complaining about the light. Despite the other PCs insisting that the birds were spying on them, Treedon approaches them with the firm belief that they were flying in alarm or fear. Turns out the other PCs were right… One attempts to peck Calinai’s eyes out and gets Fiery Bursted for its trouble, which signals the breaking up of the flock.

Inferian: I order my men to keep watch. Feel free to loose an arrow or two at any other birds they might spy. Though, don’t waste—
DM: Come the morning, your men are all out of arrows.
Falgrim: “Within reason! WITHIN REASON!”
Lars: Go pick them up!
Calinai: There’s dead birds, dead squirrels everywhere…
DM: There’s a dead rhinoceros on the borders of your camp…
Falgrim: Lunch!
Inferian: I’m glad they killed that… it would have been a rude awakening.
DM: The Great Elk of the Forest…
Falgrim: “Wow, did the grass grow higher – those are arrows.”
DM: Treedon awakens and begins moaning, weeping for all of the creatures of the world your men have slain!
Inferian: Eh, circle of life.

Inferian doubles the watch while shouting about glory to the Hypnotoad, and they sleep the rest of the night without incident. The DM rolls weather, cynically noting that he’s rolling weather, and they travel on to take their next night’s rest in more pouring rain.

DM: I rolled 99… for the day before I rolled 99… I’m gonna get that fucking hurricane! I’ll get it! Just watch! You settle down and assign your watches even as you contemplate a cold wet night of misery.
Inferian: Still better than sleeping with the Queen.
Lars: I beg to differ!
Inferian: That’s because you don’t know what to expect!
Lars: Exactly!
Sioneva: Ignorance is bliss.

They barely get any sleep before they’re awakened again, this time in response to howiling. Darkhounds! An entire flank! They swiftly form up the ranks in a square defensive formation and begin casting buffs. While Treedon searches for a good wild shape form, Lars blesses everyone.

Falgrim: Now their arrows will be less inferior. Slightly.
Inferian: May I recommend the smilodon?
Calinai: The smilodon!
DM: That’s a saber-toothed tiger.
Calinai: The smilodon! (hysterical laughter) What the fuck is a smilodon….
Falgrim: That’s the name of the saber-toothed tiger.
Calinai: Smilodon… I’m sorry, what is with scientists. “Otherwise known as the sper, whale…”
Inferian: Falgrim, can you pull up the Frostburn book on your computer? It has the smilodon in it.
Calinai: (laughing) Stop saying it! It sounds like something I would come up with! Smilodon! Spikyadon!
DM: I can get past mastodon, but not smilodon.

Calinai casts Mass Aid on the assembled for 16 temporary hit points. For some reason, everyone starts yelling WoW boss quotes at each other. Both Calinai and Lars took the Ocular Spell feat this level, so both of them are reading up on its rules. Initiative time is rolled! The swiftest of them ready actions to attack a beast, none of which have appeared on the map.At last, a beast DOES pop out!

Infeiran:Wild surge for 2.
Sioneva: Wild surge for poo!
DM: Ennervate! Ennervate!
Infeiian: No!
Lars: I was just gonna le the mooks die…

Sioneva also fires, and the DM criticizes them for firing through the mooks. Inferian rolls his attack.

Inferian: Does a modified 17 hit, now that I’ve account for bless?
DM: Didn’t I already tell you you hit somethimg?
Inferian: Stop trying to dodge the question by implying I killed a mook!

Falgrim confirms them to be particularly strong against nothing, so Inferian picks cold for his damage type. They start unloading, only to discover it wards off damage from almost all sources – cold and physical, to start. It leaps into the minion wall!

Falgrim: Om nom nom! Om nom nom nom!
DM: Yes, it on noms your first raw kill.
Inferian: He has temporary hit points.
DM: Then he is temporarily not as dead as he should be.
Inferian: They all have 16 temporary hit points, which considering their level is pretty good.
DM: Yes. And considering these are scaled to engage against you, 16 hit points doesn’t do a lot of good against these mere shadowspawn. The two nearest to him begin to thrust into it with their—
Calinai: Their mighty thrusting!
DM: They’re doing Zumba all around the corpse.
Inferian: They have a small but significant chance to hit.
Falgrim: Insignificant.
Inferian: No! Significant!

Lars, the DM, and Inferian briefly squabble over how DR and resistance is, and should be, described in various campaigns. Sioneva declares her intent to just rotate arrow types.

DM: You’re gonna use the Borg strategy.
Sioneva: Yes! Damn right!

The players argue tactics; the darkhounds have adopted a hit-and-run style that keeps any focus from going onto one of them. Calinai tries a Fiery Burst to test for fire resistance, and finds some of that as well. Lars hurls his javelin into the creature, somehow laboring under the apprehension that it’s a force weapon, while Falgrim unloads punishing physical and negligible frost damage.

DM: The creature finally looks up from shredding Inferian’s thralls enough to take notice, although it might now be too late.
Falgrim: “BACK TO THE ABYSS!”
DM: Although you notice there is no blood pouring from beneath its wounds.
Falgrim: (turning slowly to face Inferian with dawning horror) You had undead followers…
Inferian: No! The beast’s! Not my followers’!

Everyone gets a good chuckle out of this.

Inferian: Next, the three beasts. I say three but it’s really five. And I say five but it’s really seven.
Calinai: And you say seven, but it’s really a million.

The second beast charges into the fray! Calinai’s warder tries to trip it, but fails and gets countertripped, to Calinai’s fury. More beasts charge into the fray!

Treedon: They’re eating our shield!
DM: Your meat shield.
Falgrim: The other meat on legs!
Treedon: “Quick, put more energy into the shields!” “But they’re living people!” “Just do it!”

The group abruptly realizes Treedon is large-sized, as is his animal companion, and they awkwardly shoehorn the two of them into the field at their proper size. He summons a bear into the fray to clog it up further.

Lars: So what is this?
DM: That’s a battlecat.
Lars: That’s Treedon. That’s Treedon’s battlecat. That’s Treedon’s battlebear.
DM: Treedon’s battlebeat. Next, summon a Beetleborg!

The DM cheerfully encourages Treedon to have his bear attack Benar with all his might; he inexplicably declines. The bear deals a surprisingly powerful hit, but the darkhound barely notices it. Everyone flips out on Lars after his phone honks at them for the eightieth time. Harmony the ghost tiger deals some damage, and then Inferian revs up his engines.

Inferian: Wild surge for 2…
DM: Ennervate!
Inferian: Nope!
DM: I’m gonna start rolling that damn chance…
Inferian: It’s only a 10% chance!
DM: 10%! That sounds wonderful!
Sioneva: I crit…

Sioneva crits repeatedly, in fact, as is her wont, pretty much blowing away her enemy, Inferian unloads a pair of blasts into the beasts by quickening one.

Inferian: Did the lightning do anything to it? Was it warded away?
DM: It was.
Inferian: Sonic it is!
Calinai: Nothing…
Inferian: Nothing resist sonic!
DM: The darkspawn is my own creation. I can attach any bullshit tag to it I want!
Inferian: Let’s find out if you did!
Lars: He did now…

Inferian demands a Psicraft roll to determine its resistances after all this testing, and comes up with 10 all around except to sonic.

DM: If I’d really gone off the deep end, I’d have given it 15 or 20 or something like outside cats would have…

The DM bemoans the amount of damage the PCs are capable of pouring out in a round. Lars hurls a javelin into melee.

Lars: Did we detect his AC?
Falgrim: It’s either 20 or 21.
Inferian: We know a 21 hits.
Lars: But does a 20?
Falgrim: We don’t know, no one’s rolled a 20.
Lars: Hey, I just rolled a 20 to hit him.
DM: That will not do, I’m afraid.
Lars: Stupid throwing ranged weapons into combat… oh wait, I did hit! I forgot to calculate Bless!
DM: Everyone forgets Bless. I should just say, consider it a permanent addition to your attack bonus. You’re always gonna cast it, and nobody’s going to remember it, so it should just be part of your bread-and-butter. “Anybody need healing?” No, because your mooks have absorbed all the damage…

Calinai hurls a Sound Lance into the fray, dropping a beast and setting up a fierce ringing in Falgrim’s ears. The DM briefly reminisces about the good old days where Wes would raid his kingdom’s funds to enchant his items. Calinai proclaims her Warder’s name to be Bullock, and he is promptly compared to the Batman character of that name.

Inferian: Bye-bye, Harmony.
DM: What’s Harmony’s AC? One point more than I am able to hit…
Calinai: I love how we took that guy so far, it was hilarious. He wouldn’t let us in.
Inferian: You guys love that guy.
Calinai: He was a douche, it was great.

Calinai starts singing about smilodons, but ruins it by insisting a smilodon is a dinosaur. The darkhound double-attacks Harmony, then springs away. Benar kills one of them!

DM: Benar ALWAYS steals kills. You guys should be used to this by now.
Inferian: Benar lets out a mighty cheer. “The power of the Lord Dragon has let me strike true!” and so forth.

The group turns on Benar. Calinai, who is too close to the edge, is pounced by a darkhound!

Calinai: Let me just roll up my Pathfinder paladin, here…
Inferian: Why don’t you just play your Warder? You got him rolled up and everything.
Falgrim: The Warder will go berserk.
Calinai: Oh, he gets killed. If the Warder’s mage dies he gets killed.
Falgrim: He goes into berserk mode.
Lars: He goes insane, dude.
Calinai: He goes for the walk through the barrier.
Inferian: What is he, a Pern dragon, is that how this works?
DM: Falgrim, good news or bad news?
Falgrim: Uhhhh…. Ummmmm… we’ll go with the bad news.
DM: He crit you.
Falgrim: My AC’s 31…
Inferian: At least when I do good news or bad news, the bad news is ‘he hit you’, the good news is ‘he didn’t crit you’.
Lars: When Inferian does it, it’s “good news or bad news? Okay, the bad news is, I didn’t roll maximum damage. The good news is, it is a crit though!”

The good news is that it missed two other attacks. The DM bemoans his failure to crit Benar, then accuses everyone else of wanting Benar dead.

DM: That’s why you keep putting him in harm’s way!
Inferian: (voice going up an octave) He’s supposed to fight! What is he supposed to do, just stand back and watch?!
DM: Yes! Oh wait, that’s the Dragon’s job!

Lars cheerfully lusts after grossly evil spells, and the group wearily realizes they really need to run an evil campaign just to get this out of Lars’s system. The in-and-out skirmish techniques continue to frustrate the PCs, but Falgrim and Benar take down the darkhound (mostly Falgrim). Calinai uses Baleful Tranportation to teleport the last darkhound into the middle of the group so it can no longer flee! Sioneva misses for the first time in history. The darkhound goes ballistic on its rolls, laying out all sorts of punishing damage on the group (which Inferian’s Share Pain/Vigor cheese basically ignores). The players, in turn, pour the damage onto it, while another darkhound cheerfully savages Benar.

DM: Did he even lose his temporary hit points yet?
Inferian: Yes. He’s down to ten.
Calinai: Benar’s on death’s door, sir.
DM: No he’s not.
Calinai: Death’s door. Death’s. Door. Below 10 is in death’s living room. And at -10, you’re chilling out with death, and he’s just like, “I’m taking you to hell.”
DM: “Is the Lord Dragon in hell?”
Calinai: “No! You missed your chance because you didn’t believe in the One God! Christianity is reaaaaaal!”

Inferian starts rolling the multiple dice he needs for every single attack – enervate chance, to-hit, anarchic surge results…

Inferian: No enervate!
DM: It’s the only satisfaction I get over here, if he gets enervated…

The darkhound survives multiple repeated attacks! Benar’s action is up though…

Inferian: Benar can’t get to anywhere near that thing?
DM: Benar can take a withdraw action.
Inferian: He doesn’t need to withdraw either.
DM: Benar can lay down and play dead.
Inferian: Move him around to the other side. Oh no, wait, Benar’s going to duck into the trees and hide.
DM: Like I said.
Inferian: …I rolled a natural 1 on his Hide check.
DM: He climbs a tree that’s caught on fire from one of Calinai’s flaming spells.
Lars: “Lord Dragon! I’m going to set the three on fire so you know which one I’m in!”
Falgrim: “This was a great idea OH GOD!”

Sioneva takes fifteen damage, despite Lars attempting to insist she takes 52. Treedon attacks! Harmony attacks! IT’S STILL ALIVE!

DM: Well, I’m sure Sioneva, Inferian, Calinai, Lars, Falgrim, the Warder, and Benar won’t miss! Go ahead!
Falgrim: I walk up to it. I smack it.
DM: Yeah, you all just do the Fun Bunch on it.
Inferian: There’s a giant dust cloud, fists coming through.
Calinai: DM, from now on, Inferian’s minions that come in are families. We’re not taking husbands and families away. Little kids go up and go, “Mommy, where’s Daddy?” “He just left work one day, we don’t know…” Whole towns being destroyed, economies crumbling.
Lars: “Mommy, is Lord Dragon gonna protect us?” And Lord Dragon: “All of you, form a meat shield around me!”

As the group continues to make Inferian more and more evil, the game ends on that niote.