Pan: This game sucks!
Aliarra: I’d like a cosmic brownie, and then, violence.
DM: I’d like to first bring up if the PCs would like to retroactively decide what they did with Ignir.

A long pause.

Hanzo: We… ate… him…?

Ignir is guarding the entrance to the dungeon they’re in. Having vanquished the rune maze…

Aliarra: That was in no way inspired by World of Warcraft…
DM: Where is that in World of Warcraft?
Aiden: Every mogu tomb…
DM: I made it before the expansion came out!

The DM grumbles a bit about the coincidence. Aliarra says “ooze” a few times to make Hanzo snicker, then lampshades how there have been literally no doors since the first dungeon Aliarra kicked doors in. The group distributes minis as they enter into a room.

DM: As you enter the room and you raise your light source up, you notice that each recess has what looks like gargoyles. Thought these one seem to be blindfolded.
Aliarra: Oh, I bet this is a trick where one of these is a head, and we have to find out which one it is, and if we reveal the wrong one it’ll attack us or something.
DM: (slams his binder shut, stands up, and walks off)
Hanzo: Way to go.

The DM returns and the players begin advancing in to check the heads, while Hanzo moves up to the door on the far end, A panel in the door slides down, revealing a message in a grin pattern.

Hanzo: It says, “You bind us to these fragile forms. Your visage so grand it leaves us blind. Most say it is a curse. To continue on you must show us the cure.”
Cissy: I cast my resonating bolt sonic attack at the door…”There’s your cure.”

Peering closer, the group notices the letters are slightly separated, the implication being that they can be depressed. Aliarra beckons the rest of the group to come look at the written sheet the DM has passed out.

Aliarra: Hey, hey, I noticed something here. Check this out guys. It’s not actually – “Most say it a a curse.” That’s deliberately misspelled, there must be a clue there.
DM: Yes, yes, shut up.
Aliarra: What, it’s not?! I thought it was!
DM: No, it’s just me being in a hurry to write it up.
Aliarra: Okay, even so. Every word on that block is separated by two space instead of one, unlike all of the other ones.
Cissy: You bind us to these fragile forms… Okay, who thinks Cissy should cast Resonating Bolt?
Aliarra: No one.
Aiden: No one.

Cissy embarks on a long effort to get her bat to speak to the gargoyles, which is totally unsuccessful.

Aiden: We’re playing Myst?! It took me years to finish that game! I wish you guys the best…

The group turns to the numerous gargoyle heads, finding that some of them appear to have different appearances – one is crying, for example, with a smile.

Cissy: Oh, dude, this better not me like Dr, Who – you’re looking at it, it’s a stone statue, but the second you’re not looking, that shit’s gonna kill you!
Aliarra: Damn it, Cissy!

The blindfolds are just as stone and part of the carvings as the rest, though Cissy continues to argue in favor of the Dr. Who interpretation.

Aliarra: Ooh! Ooh! DM, I depresses the “S” in “CURSE”.
DM: Excellent. You hear a ka-chunk. A second panel opens beneath it. Revealing this message.
Aliarra: “A sight so beautifully allowed us to be finally be free. True sight beyond sight is the cure. Now look about you and tell me how many you see.”
DM: Did I misspell – god damn it! I was writing shit in a hurry…
Aliarra: I commend your effort, if not your results…

They check the statues – six are blindfolded, four are smiling and crying, and one is smirking and half-blindfolded. Aliarra’s first guess is 14, because there are 14 people plus gargoyles in the room.

Cissy: What happens if we just hit a button at random?
Aiden: The room could flood, the room could destroy itself—
Aliarra: They could all fire lasers.
Aiden: They could all shoot fireballs.
Aliarra: Could be like Dr. Who, where they kill us in an instant.
Pan: EXTERMINATE.

A loud CLANG signals that an invisible timer is tracking down. Aliarra, believing the answer to be 14, presses both the 1 and 4 buttons.

DM: I can’t kill you with that roll, sadly… 17 points of damage to you as bolts of electricity course through your body. And another clang. If any of you are paying attention, the gargoyles’ mouths have shifted to open.
Aiden: Okay. Lava’s going to come out.

Cissy tries 4. This proves to be the answer! The door opens!

Cissy: I looked around, I saw how many people that were free, I realized there were only four plus myself.
DM: You got it, for the wrong reasons.
Cissy: I got it for the reasons!
Aliarra: We’ll never know in-character.
Cissy: It was the wrong answer altogether, the DM just wanted us to move ON.
DM: You move on. The pathway here is lined with metal grating.
Aliarra and Hanzo: Uh-oh.
Aliarra: Keep my weapon close at hand…
Hanzo: I’m walking on the ceiling! This is gonna turn into Jabba’s throne room as soon as we get halfway down.

Listen checks are rolled as they advance, and down beneath the grate-floor they hear water. The next room is 10x10, with a chest in the corner – with one very high ceiling. Drusila, who has apparently been here the entire time as an NPC, offers to check the chest.

Aliarra: Okay, we open the chest, throw Drusila in as the sacrifice to continue going.
Aiden: Please! Meta! You son of a bitch!
Hanzo: It’s a good thing you didn’t know that before, you’ve have had her pressing all the buttons on the walls…

Drusila opens the chest, only to find it full of rope and crampons. Finding this strangely convenient, the PCs look at each other.

Aliarra: All right, let’s try the simplest thing I can think of. “Rope! Climb!”
DM: It sits there, like a pile of rope should.
Aliarra: Just checking.

The people who can climb start heading up the walls, with Aiden complaining about Barack’s failed Climb checks vociferously.

DM: As you pull the rope from the chest, underneath is a pile of crampons.
Cissy: A pile of what?
Aliarra: Crampons. You immature asshole. I know what you were thinking.
Cissy: No!
Mrrshala: That was me…

A soda spill delays play, but once it resumes, everyone heads up the rope Hanzo has secured. The tunnel up ahead grows more crude, but they are undaunted.

DM: You round a couple of corners, and you start to feel a cool breeze.
Aliarra: It’s the monster exhaling.
DM: And up ahead you see a light.
Aliarra: It’s the monster’s eyes. I boldly approach the light! Weapon at the ready.
DM: The light you see is sunlight.
Aliarra: Unfortunately, somehow we all got turned into vampires.

The cold slams into them, and all they can see is a mountain range in the distance. Nestled in a valley is a large compound, multi-tiered, and apparently the only place they have to go. Confused, because they were convinced the head of Kalroth was in the dungeon, they consult the mind of Kalroth.

DM: It writes out, “Yes, Aliarra, how can I help you?”
Aliarra: “Any information you might have on this compound we found at the end of the head dungeon would be of use. Also, who unleashed the monster in the Chamber of Se—“ No.
DM: “I hate you. I hate you, Aliarra. Die.” It writes your name in the book, and you die.
Aliarra: You’re not a Death Note!

The mind tells them the cult has the head, so it looks like this is their goal after all. The focus turns to Pan, whose full name is incomprehensible; he is a student of magic at the great college of wizardry, who began his studies as an initiate (the DM pauses to hurl something at Aliarra, who is repeating all the exposition in a Deckard Cain voice) and has gained the admiration of his seniors. The same magic surge that caused our heroes so much difficulty also awakened him; he meets with Denelos moments after the other PCs take the portal away. From the tower, he witnesses the more competent NPCs mustering to reclaim the town – and then the appearance of eight figures in the air.

Pan: I continue to observe.
Aliarra: He casts Dispel Magic, they tumble to the ground and die, campaign over.
Cissy: Ball of peasants!

One of the figures heads to the graveyard; Pan detects necromancy in action. The entire graveyard forms into a monster. Another burst of magic knocks him clean out; he awakes in his own bed, with Denelos puffing on his pipe at the foot of said bed.

DM: “Ah, awake finally. You took quite a nasty hit with that energy.”
Cissy: Thanks, Shaun Connery.
DM: “I am the lasht one.”
Pan: “Can I tell what in the world hit me like that?”
DM: “Ah, pure magical energy, lad. It seems we’re in a bit of a pickle. We’ve been taking care of it so far, but those people, the one we’re laying our heads on, they’ve been foiled. They better get things done quick.”
Aliarra: “Ah, what a good rest we’re having.”
Aiden: “I’m thinking we should take a good three-week vacation.”
Hanzo: “But where IS Doctor Wily.”
Aliarra: See, this is why I said we had no downtime for crafting magical items.
Aiden: Seriously. The world is relying on us. We need to start hitting up people’s houses for gear.

Denelos solemnly reports the figures he saw were the Izual, and elects to send Pan to help the PCs. On the other side, the amulet Denelos uses to communicate bursts into a smoking portal, and the archmage brings him through.

Aliarra: “Denelos, what brings you here?”
DM: “My, what a deep voice you have there, Aliarra.”
Aliarra: “We’ve discussed this.” (abruptly switching) “Would y’all rather it be sweet an’ Southern? We already said Ah shouldn’t do this.”
DM: Yes. Shut up, Aliarra.
Cissy: “Denelos, I’m having a lot of fun!”
DM: “Good to hear it, Cissy, good to hear it. Well, I have good news and bad news.”
Aliarra: “The good news is the city is all right, and it’s been saved, isn’t it?”
DM: “Yes, for now.”
Aliarra: “The BAD news is, the izual have been corrupted by Drek’thelar, haven’t they.”
DM: “Yes, very perceptive of you. For very meta reasons.”
Aliarra: I saw this coming a long time ago. The journal of the old guy mentioned them.
Aiden: I’m using Sense Bullshit and I’m gonna see through her lies…

Introductions all around; Pan is welcomed to Team PCs with little fanfare. Denelos doesn’t give them much time.

DM: “Anyway, the guild’s in shambles. I need to take care of it. Haste.” (pausing) “Haste is needed now.”
Aliarra: Oh, I thought you were casting it on us…

Denelos leaves! The group grouses that he failed to teleport them to the compound as they gather up and head for it. Anticipating trouble, they form a marching order.

Aliarra: I’ll be in the front, then Cissy, then Hanzo, then Aiden, then Pan, then Mrrshala.
DM: Where’s Drusila?
Aliarra: WHO CARES?!

Onwards they trudge! After some consideration, Aliarra advises Aiden to prepare the Sending spell, to send a message to Ignir.

DM: MEANWHILE: “Ugh. So bored.”
Aliarra: He can go hunt a zebra.
DM: There’s no zebra to hunt here.
Aliarra: He’s Ignir. He’ll FIND one.
Aiden: “Back to my continuous masturbation…”
DM: He’s opened a jerky stand.
Hanzo: Beef stroganoff.
Mrrshala: (whimpers)

Spot checks are called for; Aliarra makes a show of asking Drusila what she sees, only for her to roll a natural 1, to Aliarra’s bitter disgust. Hanzo and Pan spy figures punching at the air.

Hanzo: “Monks.”
Aiden: What did he say?
Aliarra: “Oh, we’re safe.”
Hanzo: Shut up.
Aiden: What?
Hanzo: Watch them school us.
Aiden: Look, I heard ‘small fetuses punching in the wind.’ What did he actually say?
DM: Figures! Figures!

The group grimly prepares for an assault as they reach the compound, and quickly prepare for a storming run on the walls as soon as this occurs. They have very few tactical resources at their disposal, despite their composition, which worries them.

Cissy: Who has a good Bluff check? Why don’t we try to lie our way in? Pretend to be drawn to the head and try to join the cult.
Aliarra and Hanzo: (chanting) “Head… head… Imhotep… Imhotep…”

Aliarra dismisses the use of Intimidate here, citing the first adventure where the many useless bandits charged the armed and armored party despite her Intimidating them into backing off.

DM: I rolled them as a group and they rolled a 20, I’m so sorry, okay? They felt strength in numbers.
Aliarra: I don’t think they outnumbered us, either…

They advance forward, hearing the sounds of martial arts ahead, but no attacks come. Instead, one lone figure awaits them on the approach. As Cissy’s bird surveys the area and reports back on 150 or so monks, the PCs, perversely, relax.

Aliarra: 150 is a pretty big tipoff we’re not supposed to fight these guys.
Cissy: Damn it, that’d be so much fun though.
Hanzo: You wouldn’t have to make up a new adventure for weeks. It’d be a month solid a combat.
DM: Cissy throws a few fireballs, Pan throws a few fireballs, and you’re done. As you get closer and closer, you notice the figure is blindfolded.
Aliarra: Fuck, he’s too powerful for us.
Aiden: Guaranteed level 11 monk.
Cissy: Hanzo, this is your deal, you go talk to him.
Aiden: Ninjas, the natural enemy of the monk.
DM: He smiles as you approach. “Greetings, travelers.”
Hanzo: “We come in seek of the –“
Aiden: No. Should he be telling him exactly what we’re looking for?
Aliarra: We have nothing to gain by lying. If we lie our way in to the head, we just have to fight out way back out.
Hanzo: “We come seeking a good summer home.”

The monk greets them, welcoming them on their quest for the head, which they hastily try to justify. The monk, in fact, identifies their race and religion by scent alone. He invites them in to drink and talk, telling them that many have come to see the head, for various purposes – and are blinded by it, as he has been, and as all the monks have been.

Aliarra: Guys, if I’m gonna get this head, I’m gonna need some Fortitude buffs, lay ‘em on me. Please tell me you can prepare Cure Blindness.
DM: Huh? I’m not gonna reveal anything.
Aiden: I rest the night. “Get your Cure Blindness here, right here, I will help you out! All you have to do is pay me the appropriate amount of gold, or a custom trade!”
Cissy: “Whatever ya think yer eyesight is worth…”
Aiden: “I’ll cure one eye, two eyes, I’ll even give ya a extra eye…”
DM: As if sensing the thoughts of the party, the monk says, “We had a priest who came up here, saw the visage of Kalroth, and went blind. He tried to cure it, but it did not work. He hypothesized that since it was the visage of the father of the divine, it would not work.”
Mrrshala: You’re screwed.
Cissy: Naw, we just keep it in a sack and don’t look at it.
Aliarra: Oh wait, I already rolled up some stats for another character…
DM: “Let us go to the pavilion.”
Cissy: (starts rolling stats for some reason)
Aliarra: You’re chaotic neutral, you are NOT going to sacrifice your eyesight to get the head.
Cissy: Frak no, I was actually going to Intimidate this dude into getting the head into a sack for us.
Aiden: Here’s what really happens. He steps into the center of the pavilion. “Let Mortal Kombat begin!”
Aliarra: You know… that would be pretty awesome, actually.
Cissy: 35 to Intimidate him!
Aliarra: I ready my action to interrupt Cissy.
Cissy: You know what, man, it might work! I don’t know what you guys keep getting pissed about.
Aliarra: We’re not going to turn the blind leader of the Monks of… Monkitude against us.
Cissy: We’ll explain to him that we need the head for our mission, and then when he says no, we’ll say, “WE NEED IT!” and he’ll get it.
Aliarra: We reach the top tier, standing at the top is a monk who immediately unveils the head at us. We all go blind, the end.
Aiden: We just need to get one level and we can all take the feat “Blindfight” and we’re good to go.

Over drinks and comfy cushions, the leader relates the history of the cult – founded ages ago with the sundering, and now just a source of wisdom and guidance replenished by those who view the head. The PCs, in turn, explain that they need the head, and that it is no longer safe here.

DM: “Unfortunately, I cannot just hand it over.”
Aliarra: “Of course not. That would be too easy.”
DM: “As tradition dictates, I must adhere to. But you are allowed to take it.”
Cissy: 33. Cissy is going to Intimidate—
Aiden: I use my readied action…

The group dissolves into whimpers and moves away from Cissy (or prepares suicide). The NPC recoils.

DM: “I more than understand your need! That’s why I told you you could take it!”

Silence.

Hanzo: You weren’t listening at that point, were you.
Cissy: No. “Then as a blind person, go so we don’t go blind ourselves! Put it in a bag for me!”
DM: “If I could touch it, I would give it to you.”
Cissy: “I didn’t say touch it, I said put it in a bag!”
DM: He grabs a pillow violently, pulls out a knife -- (makes a slashing motion) -- pulls the stuffing out, and throws it to you! “Here’s your bag!”
Cissy: “I told YOU to put it in a bag!”
Hanzo: Roll for initiative.
Aliarra: I HAVE FOUR SACKS! Four sacks on my character sheet!
Hanzo: Let’s consult the mind of Kalroth. We’ve conveniently ignored the Macguffin we carry with us…
Aliarra: I was waiting to see how this played out.
Hanzo: It played out with, “GIVE US THE HEAD!”
Aliarra: Yeah, I was letting that resolve a little. Another thing is, I didn’t want to whip another part of Kalroth out in front of this dude before we were certain where he stands.
Hanzo: He can’t see it!

The group continues to squabble literalness and semantics, all depending on the definition of “touching” the head.

Aliarra: What is the test that we have to take, then? I hope it’s not the Test of Not Pissing Off the Cult Leader…

The cult leader himself suggests that they keep their eyes open and shove a sack over the head, leading to another argument other whether the cult leader should do this for them. Hanzo takes off while they argue.

Aiden: God damn it. Why we gotta watch our own fucking allies?
Aliarra: Why are getting asked that by Mr. I’m Going To the Pussy Tail In the Banglasharan Continent?!
Aiden: You knew where I was going! I knew exactly where I was going to be.
Aliarra: We had to search for you!

The argument just continues. Aliarra discusses with the mind of Kalroth the possibility of using it as a viewscreen, but it can’t see through its own cover. They contemplate breaking its spine.

Aliarra: “Out of curiosity, Mind of Kalroth, would YOU go blind if you looked at the head?”
DM: “Dot dot dot.”
Hanzo: “Now he’s speaking my language!”

The group begins arguing over who will sacrifice themselves to get the head. Cissy proposes sacrificing her bat , then getting her bat to talk other bats into doing it.

Hanzo: Does this count as an encounter, because we’re fighting ourselves to the point of leveling up…
DM: All of you roll initiative, then you yell at the other person for six seconds and we’ll go from there.

The group takes a moment to explain the entire plot to Pan, who hasn’t even gotten the Cliff Notes yet – and then Aliarra realizes they have the EYES OF KALROTH, Aiden pops a save buff on her and she pops on the eyes, then begins experimenting with the eyes. The DM realizes he’s lost his notes and starts making them up; Aliarra puts down all the lenses at once and gets REALLY dizzy.

DM: You descend the ladder. You are burned to a cinder.
Aliarra: That’s odd. What did it?
DM: “Oh crap, I’m sorry, that was the lava lake down there! THIS was the ladder you wanted!”

The group attempts to determine if a disembodied head is generic enough for a Locate Object spell; it apparently is, and Aiden manages to cast the spell without going blind from just detecting the head through it. Aliarra discovers the entire room is covered in mirrors, swaps to a no-reflections lens.

Aliarra: And then I’m going to do the least important game-mechanically but most important thing roleplaying, I’m going to stop and say a quick prayer commending my soul to Skeldric.
Aiden: “Don’t worry! I’m praying to Denerim, it’s a better place to go to!”
Cissy: “Don’t worry, I’m praying to Kalroth!”

Aliarra discovers a covered tray, sweeps the contents into the sack, and heads back up. It is the LEAST climactic thing EVER, making the players look like idiots for arguing how to do it for the past hour.

Aliarra: “All right, guys, BEHOLD!” (miming pulling something out of a sack) “This lid was covering it!”
DM: Everybody give me a Fortitude saving throw. Through the bag, the blinding light pierces through.
Aliarra: Huh. I’ll put that back then. I thought when I knocked that over it would have turned upside down.
DM: It needs to be fully exposed.
Aliarra: So wait, if it’s partially exposed – we could just put a strip of duct tape over the eyes—
DM: Don’t get into semantics.

They double-bag it, throw in some extra sacks on top of it, scar it up with acid (not really), and toss it in Aliarra’s backpack.

Aliarra: I’m not carrying about half a dead god on my back, I’m not sure how I feel about this.
Cissy: Can we reach inside the dead god without looking and pluck the eyes back into the head?
Aliarra: We’re not reassembling him!

The only parts they lack are the body and the heart, the latter of which is in the hands of the bad guys.

Aliarra: Once we get all the parts together, the bad guys, the izual will all show up, beat us down, take all the parts away now that we’ve collected them, and we have to go fight the recombined Kalroth.
Aiden: Stop giving away the storyline!
Aliarra: I’m sorry, the DM has played EXACTLY as much Final Fantasy as I have.
Aiden: If we play our cards right, we won’t screw up like they did!
Aliarra: Izual. The izual of enchantment is going to show up, charm us all into giving us over… or the izual of illusion is going to create an illusion of Denlos saying, “Please, give me the partsh now!”
Cissy: “Hey, monk-king, do you have any idea where the body could be?”
DM: He doesn’t say anything.

The monk has no ideas. Aliarra prods her Denelos-amulet, informing them that the head is theirs. He offers to bring them back in an hour.

Aiden: That’s just enough time for me to read the important message somewhere. “Do not trust the leader of the College – NO! NO!”
Aliarra: Dude, that message is 2000 years old, I don’t think it still applies.
Aiden: You don’t think it still applies. “Now hand me the rest of the parts, I still have the heart and torso ready…”
Aliarra: We see Denelos. The heart is beating a foot from him. “Oh my god, Denelos, what’s that?!” “Oh. That shouldn’t be there…”
Cissy: Hey, as soon as Kalroth comes in, if everybody’s got to fight him, can I fight with him, since I pray to him?
DM: We’ll see if that happens.
Aliarra: That’s a yes.

Most people pass the hour in just looking around, but Hanzo elects to spar a monk! The monk master himself offers to spar him. Cissy and Aliarra argue about the prospect of just going evil in a standard game, as opposed to a specifically evil campaign.

DM: You bow to each other. And as quick as you expected, he strikes out, and then windmills it. 14 points of damage to you.
Aliarra: Hanzo’s like, “Ah, I’m switching to poison damage.”
Hanzo: Am I using weapons here?
DM: He’s doing subdual…

Hanzo and the monk brawl, teleporting behind each other and attacking each other’s kidneys. Hanzo manages to take down the monk!

Aiden: Hold on. I go over to inspect. He’s dead.
Aliarra: Welp, loot him. Please tell me we timed that RIGHT as the hour was up.
Hanzo: You get… a blindfold!

Denelos indeed transports them back at the end of the elapsed hour, then gives them a choice: reclaim the heart, or go after the last piece. Aliarra suggests they go for the body.

Cissy: If we have all the pieces, then inevitably they’re going to have to bring the heart to us. Or they’re gonna have to try to take the pieces from us, in which case we can capture one of them and torture the shit out of them to find out –
Aliarra and Aiden: No.
Cissy: Am I the only who’s not up for some good old-fashioned interrogation? Bamboo slits under the fingernails?
Aliarra: I look at Denelos and just do this: (a look of horror as he points, jaw agape, at Cissy)
DM: “Why’d you think I unloaded her on you?”
Aliarra: I look at Denelos and then do this: (flips the DM off)
Aiden: I became a cleric to try to give up the sins.

Denelos reveals that Aliarra’s family has something to do with the body, and her uncle is the lead to the part. Aliarra growls.

DM: “Anyway, the hour is late. I don’t think anything is going to happen. Want to take a room?”
Aliarra: We go up to the room. Izual.

The group begins to relax as they discuss their sleeping plans and relaxation – then abruptly remember to ask Denelos to get Ignir. Good memory there…. Aliarra still refuses to tell the rest of the group that she’s sent the gloves to sanctuary in the temple of Skeldric. The DM awards them experience and a personal apology from Denelos for the magical catastrophe – it’s a note that says ‘Sorry’. The game winds down on some lazy chatting.